Steps 10, 11 and 12 at the Road to Recovery Convention 2002 in Reykjavik, Iceland September 13th

My name is Mary and I'm an alcoholic.

I was thinking, I've prepared for speaking in in many ways, but I've never prepared for speaking by going to the Blue Lagoon, which is where I went this morning. So I'm feeling very spiritual this afternoon and very clean. And I dip my fingernails in the whole time thinking maybe my nails are going to get stronger in the mineral water. But anyway,

I'm here to talk about steps 10:11 and 12:00.

Continue to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it. I liked to continue to take personal inventory, but I hated to admit when I was wrong.

I am the kind of person who loves to write down little inventories. Many times, my poor sponsor, when we would arrive at the Wednesday night meeting, I would write these little inventories. You know, write out all these things and then put them in an envelope.

Put him on his chair, marked urgent

for your eyes only. You know, I mean, I just leave them on his chair. I'm not sure he ever read them, but I I felt better having written them. I,

I was really, really hesitant about this step. This step was very, very difficult for me, I think because of my Catholic background, because whenever I was a child and I did something wrong and I went to confession, I was always, you know, I received a, a judgment. You know, it was usually prayers like 10 our fathers and 10 Hail Marys, you know what they are. But anyway, that's what we received. If you if you did something wrong,

you always received a judgment for it and it was a sin and then and, and you knew it and there was mortal sin and there was venial sin. So this step was very, very difficult for me because I thought that I was going to be judged and I knew the judge was me and I know how tough I am on myself. So to look at myself to continue to take any kind of personal

inventory was very difficult. The other thing is that I, I have and had

a tremendous amount of character defects and things that I didn't know I had when I drank because I, when I was drinking, I would cover them up, you know, I drank. So I didn't express a lot of these things. I also, before I came to sobriety, I spent a lot of time in therapy. And the way I like to go to therapy is I like to take Dexedrine and then go to therapy so that I could talk a lot,

but I didn't have to feel anything. And that was the difference. I didn't have to feel anything. And I have a picture of me that I, that I keep at home. It was, it was, it was always my favorite picture. And because in it I show no expression whatsoever. But if you really look closely, my eyes are dilated about like that, you know? So I'm completely loaded, but the picture looks as if

there's nothing in the world that could get to me.

And the truth is that a lot gets to me because I'm really sensitive and so and so are you.

And so when I was trying to look at myself, you know, I had to look at things like patience, which I don't feel I had very much of. But the thing I really, really had a hard time with was anger. When I was new, I had such a tremendous time with anger because I, what, what happened to me, the time I and I really had a hard time. This why I had a hard time this stop is

if you, if I felt I was threatened, if I really felt threatened, I would I never lashed out in anger unless I felt really threatened. And when I felt really threatened, I would just lash out in anger. And it took me a long time, you know, from looking at this step and working this step to realize that,

you know, restraint of tongue and pen talks about it in this step, restraint of tongue and pen. If you remember nothing else from this, it was one of the things that helped me the most. But the way I learned it wasn't easy. When I was about five years sober and I was pregnant, I was about six months pregnant. There was a man in my office who was he was kind of towering. He was about 6 foot six. And I didn't like him. And, and one day he was particularly mean to me. I mean, just really mean to me. And

I am 5 foot two or three. I don't know if I'd so often about how how tall I am, but I'm I'm sure. And anyway, and I, he was really mean and I reached out and, and whacked him and I was pregnant, you know, and,

and I went in and called,

call my sponsor and he told me I had to apologize right away. And, and he said that the way you, what happens is if you work the 10 step and if you, if you clean up your business and if you apologize right away, That's what it was so humiliating to go into this man. Now, I, I wasn't humiliating about hitting him. I was really humiliated about having to apologize to him for hitting him. That I when I did it right away I realized that oh,

I don't want to take that action because I don't want to have to have that result. I don't want to have to apologize right away. So

but I still had a hard time. I I felt like at the end of the day, to do this would just be really a bad thing, especially if I had a day where I didn't act very well. You know, I just didn't, I didn't want to look at myself that I mean, that's the bottom line. I did not want to look at myself.

I did not want to accept who I really was. I'm in. Clancy was talking about that earlier. It's,

it was so very hard for me to accept who I was. But of course, as I've learned, as I've stayed sober a very long time, is that to accept who I am, where I am at this moment with all my frailties, weaknesses and strength is the only way to live. It really is. It's the only way to live. So, so I started to do this, but but also I found that,

you know, there are many ways to do the 10 step, you know, and it talks about it really does talk about the ten step

spot check inventory. Sometimes the spot check inventory for me is to do something like

go into the bathroom at work and just get quiet for a minute or take a walk around the block. It doesn't necessarily mean writing out every single thing. It just means taking a step backward just for a minute to see, whoa, you know what's going on here. Do you know, do I need to lead with my emotions or can I work the program? You know, I honest to God, if you're new, when I was new, I never,

ever,

ever thought that I could work Alcoholics Anonymous. I mean, I never thought that I could be the kind of person who would have patience, tolerance, kindness, love of another human being, thought of another human being, not say what I really felt about you. Be kind to more than the one person I wanted to be kind to, you know, be of service. I mean, I

to me, these were the most difficult things

because when I was new and before I came to Alcoholics Anonymous, it's just all about me.

And it wasn't about you. And I never thought I could have the kind of life I have today where

I do lead the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. But it is just it is not been easy for me to work the 10th step

promptly admitting as I said when I am wrong.

I've had a situation with my brother. I I have a brother who's many years older than I am,

and when I was new, I wrote an inventory and I and I made amends to him. Basically, I made amends to him because he left home when I was two and I never forgave him. I didn't know I didn't forgive him. I had no idea that I didn't forgive him. I had no idea that part of my real problems in all my relationships with men had to do with my brother. I no clue about it until I wrote my inventory

and I wrote him, I wrote him and I made an amend to him. But

when I was getting married, I remember my sponsor said that he wanted me to pick up the phone and call my brother and ask him if he would give me away at my wedding. I so did not want to do this. I mean, I didn't like this man very much and I certainly knew he didn't like me very much. But I called him and I asked him would he give me away at my wedding and he said yes.

He came out, he didn't stay very long. He wasn't even that nice,

but he gave me away at my wedding and and I thought that that was it. And I send Christmas presents every Christmas and I've seen him when I thought that was it. And it turns out that as my mother's been sick,

I,

I've had to do a lot more writing and, and trying to do this kind of 10th step with my brother. My mother had a quadruple bypass and then my brother took over everything, all the finances. That was fine. I was the, you know, I'm so much younger. And then suddenly my brother had a heart attack and he had a quadruple bypass and then I had to take over everything. And from that day to this, my brother is just resented me. He has the worst resentments toward me

and I have had to, I have had to call him, I have had to write to him. And every time I say that's it, I've done it. I'm not doing anymore. And I don't care if I ever speak to this man as long as I live for the rest of my life,

I find myself writing one more little note saying, umm, I've made these arrangements for mom and I hope you agree with them. And he might write back a note saying, well, just do what you want to do. You know, you always do. Whatever it is, it doesn't matter. I just keep,

I keep doing this because the thing about the 10th, 11th and 12th step is that

in a sense, when I was listening to Clancy talk and, and we're talking about the,

you know, and when we got sober and we do these things, these are the steps we have to do now.

And that now just if you're new now, if you're old really is when you have to do when I was new, trust me. Do you think I could read the 12:00 and 12:00? I couldn't read a paragraph in a newspaper. I mean, I once when I was new, ran out of a restaurant sobbing because I couldn't read the first paragraph of a, of a story because my mind could not, I couldn't get around a whole paragraph. I don't know what happened in my mind, but it certainly went and I couldn't read and I couldn't think and everything was a jumble.

So anyway,

sometimes I take the 10th step just on my knees, you know, I just get on my knees at night and then try to think through the day. And usually I come up with all the positive things I've done. I like to do that better than the negative, but I try to take care of the negative when it happens. That's that's what I've learned, because to let it go, to carry resentment, you know, to strike out at somebody. I mean, I cannot tell you how many times I've had to in a store if I've been impatient, you know,

say to the clerk, you know, I I really apologize for snapping at you and I can't do any clerks have said you do. Nobody ever apologizes. I thought, well, you just might not not have any many a, A people in your store because we're always apologizing

anyway. So that's kind of step 10. But step 10 is not just about, you know, writing down the good and bad of the day. What it really is. It's like preventative medicine.

It's saying this is how you should act, patience, love, restraint, all these things. And this is the cure. If you don't, this is the easy step. You know, in the United States we, we have a lot now

of these intensive, intensive workshops about steps. I mean, I can't tell you how many people I know who sit at home every Saturday and Sunday writing out every sentence of the big book and analyzing every word of it and analyzing every step. I mean, I, I just, I would just put a gun in my head. Truly, I would. Somebody said, well, why don't you do that? And I said, well, I actually have a job.

You know, I was thinking, you know, I work and, you know, but

but you know, there everybody finds their own way in Alcoholics. And that that's one of the greatest things about Alcoholics Anonymous, according in my mind.

I mean, if you were an anthropologist studying this program, you would just marvel. You would, you know, if you discovered this, if you were discovering an ancient society, you know, people would just be flocking. Like to see the seventh wonder, the world to see this because it's so tailored to the alcoholic personality. We all have to do it, but we all do it in our own way.

Step 11 saw through prayer, meditation

to improve our conscious contact with God. You know, praying for the knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry it out.

Well, the knowledge of His will for us is, of course, the most novel concept for any alcoholic because we just want it our way, our will

and His will.

Hi, sweetheart. I think that's a little. I think that's the little boy who learned English, he said. I am a big boy. He told me last night,

OK, you can go to daycare now anyway.

I don't know. Oh, yeah. OK. This sounds. So I knew how to pray because I prayed a lot when I was young and I I went to church all the time. And when I was in college I went to church every day with the nuns and

and at every retreat I ever went to. Oh well, this won't make any sense, but I'll say anyway.

You had to ask questions of the priest and I would always write Is it a mortal sin to French kiss?

And they always said yes. So, you know,

my idea of getting close to God was was,

you know, is that I was a bad person, that I was, that it was, I always believed I was a good person, but I just kept sort of slipping off and being a bad person at the same time.

But I had a really twisted, twisted idea of what a bad person was. And I remember once when I was new,

I talked to Chuck See who was Clancy's sponsor and the sponsor many, many, many people and Alcoholics Anonymous and wrote this wonderful book called A New Pair of Glasses. And he was seemed to me to be very spiritual person. And I asked him about God and he said that we had to throw away all of our old ideas about God, all of our old ideas about God, in order to come into Alcoholics Anonymous and,

and, and live this sober way of life. And I feel that for me, this God that I've come to understand is so much more loving and gentle and generous,

even in the 10th step, you know, it, it, you know, they're not taking on a whip and beating you, you know, you just try to do better the next day. And that's, that's seems to me to be a, a much kindlier way to live in a path to God than I, than I ever, ever could have imagined,

because I always was seeking God. I truly was. But I just got thrown off by my own drinking and, and, and other things. But I feel that Alcoholics Anonymous, if you knew, you don't have to listen to this part because when I was new, I was not seeking God. I mean, I didn't even know it was a spiritual program.

In fact, a lot of the stuff I just blocked out about God. But now, of course, I'm sober longer and I have seen the most incredible miracles

people brought into my life, things taken out of my life, my life moved around that I, you know, and just this, I, I know there's, I know there's a God and I've seen it in everybody's life. But prayer I knew how to do, but I had to learn how to redo it in a, a, through the 11 step, you know, and I love this. I, I do love the Saint Francis prayer. I mean it, it's the goal we we seek

was so it's so hard to do it though. It's so hard

to comfort rather than be comforted, you know, to bring harmony, to bring peace, to bring love. Those, those are the things that are so difficult to do, you know, for Alcoholics. I, I honest to God think people in Al Anon have an easier time, but there are those who would disagree with me. But I, I do, I have learned from both programs really a lot about,

about being more loving and being more kind and patient and thoughtful and not thinking about myself so much and trying to be loving to another human being. And I've sought that in my, in my prayer meditation.

And I think the same Francis prayer has been really helpful for me. But meditation for me

is my sponsor says, and I really believe in type A personalities, have a very difficult time with meditation, which is somebody like me who can hardly sit still. You know, I have a hard time with meditation now. In the Blue Lagoon today I was meditating. I was lying in this water with the steam rolling over me. I felt like I was, you know, on Mars or definitely in another planet. I didn't know where I was, but it was

in the future or on another planet somewhere. I was able to meditate and come up with a serenity prayer, which is about the best meditation I can do.

I can meditate. Sometimes I can actually meditate after I do exercise. I can meditate while I'm exercising, while I'm swimming. I swim every day. It's it's almost my best way to meditate. Or if sometimes I've taken yoga classes and after, after I get all that energy out of my body, that's the problem. I got all this energy, my minds going, my body's going once I can get that calmed down.

I can, can have peaceful moments and I've often,

you know, really had some of the best ideas I've ever had, despite, you know, leaving my office and taking a break. That's what I said. I just, if I take a break, there are lots of people in a a who are heavily, heavily into meditation and, and meditate sometimes an hour a day, an hour in the morning, an hour in the in the evening. And, and I know a lot of those people and they love it and they swear by it. And but it's, I can't, I just am not

capable of that kind of meditation. But I'll tell you one thing. I have spent an enormous amount of time in sobriety in bed, as I mentioned last night, because I was sick and I've been really stopped. I mean stopped dead, unable to get up, unable to go to meetings, unable to take actions you know that other people were taking. And

I'll tell you you, when you are in that situation,

you're either going to find God or you're not. I mean, to me that's it sounds bizarre. It's as spiritual as it ever gets for me because when everything that I want in life has been stopped from me and I cannot even get out of bed,

I have learned to accept and to be peaceful and, and, and quiet when I'm not crying and I'm really sad about being in bed and, you know, have a lot of pain. I mean, I'm not a truly, I am not a role model.

I am really an alcoholic. I've really alcoholic emotions. I mean, truly alcohol. There are some alcohol I sponsor some people who,

I mean, I'm thinking, are you really an alcoholic? I mean, I really do think that, you know, they go through some crisis and they say, oh, yeah, I just figured it out and it was just fine. And I'm thinking what? That's not what I do. I just go into it. I get all emotional about it. And then I reach the a serene part. And then I learned from it. I mean, I'm the kind of person that learned some pain. But I've decided this year, this is the year I've given up pain. I'm praying, you know, I decided that one of my character defects

in sobriety was to think that I had to suffer

over things since I've given it up this year. And

I mean, I've had a really good year, you know, I've and I'm getting, it's getting better. So, so I know that that's true.

I don't involve other people in my meditation because it's short, but I do. I did take my children to church and I made sure that my children had a religious upbringing because I thought it was important. They can accept or reject God, but I didn't want them to have a life in which they weren't introduced to God.

So I felt that that was part of it.

Step 12, I mean, twelve. Well, the easy part of Step 12 is

working. I mean, that's not the easy part, but that's the simplistic explanation. You know, working with others, but having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps. And that's the most important thing

that some people come into a, A and there are weeks over months over your sober, two years sober and they, they found God and they're elevated, but of course they haven't worked the steps. And, and, and I mean, this really is, this is the sum

of working the steps. You have to work the 12 steps and continue to work the 12 steps to get to the point where you're at step 12, all of step 12, because step 12, you know, has to do with having a spiritual awakening. I do believe I've had a spiritual awakening.

I didn't have it when I was new. I had it when I was in bed with my bat when I felt like I wanted to kill myself, when I thought there's no reason to go on living because I can't stand to live in this kind of pain. And I've had, I had a spiritual awakening because of it. I, I realized that, you know, I, I'm not sure why I'm on this earth, but I'm, God put me here and, and so every time I can stand up or get on a plane or whatever, I feel grateful.

I've had so much gratitude. That's, that's, I think what God wanted me to have in my life that it was missing. I've had tremendous amount of gratitude

since I've been up and able to function and live in the world as you do. I always worked, but I was at a very minimal in terms of joy.

So also Step 12 means, you know, practicing these principles in all of our affairs, not just in Alcoholics Anonymous. You know, you have to take it home with you, which isn't always easy. It is not always easy if you have kids.

I mean, it's really hard if you have kids and sometimes it's not always easy if you have a husband that can, that can be really difficult. You know, I mean, just really, if you're the only person in the house who's practicing these principles and all our affairs, it's not easy sometimes. But

at work, trying to be honest, which was which was kind of hard for me, especially hard about expense accounts. That has really been a hard thing for me because everybody in my office, everyone in my office cheats on their expense account. Everyone does. My boss.

I mean, also it's going, oh, well, let's all go out to lunch. Oh, yeah, we'll say we took somebody to lunch. I mean, it's really hard not to cheat on my expensive account because everybody in my office does. But one day at a time. I don't cheat in my expense account,

but that doesn't mean I didn't. And that doesn't mean I, you know, it wasn't mad about, you know, not cheating on it. But I was thinking about, I was thinking about this trip I just took to Hawaii. If I ordered breakfast up to my room, it was $19.00 just to get yogurt and cottage cheese. But I went to a local store and got yogurt and cottage cheese and there was coffee in my room. So I ended up charging my company nothing for breakfast.

I know that doesn't make me a good person, probably makes me stupid, but anyway, I felt like it was

a better thing to do. This is the little thing to do.

But what I think has been the real benefit of practicing these principles and all our affairs is in my human relationships with other people, in my relationships with people I love, in my relationships with my children and my friends, the people I work with. I'm really able to just tell the truth. I'm able to

have really good human relations. About two weeks ago, I had a weekend with my friends who I love dearly, and these are all my friends that I had when I got sober, all these women who were my friends when I got sober. When I woke up in sobriety and it took me a while, I realized that none of them drank. And they've been my

friends for many 40 years, most of them. And, and I love them

and I've been able to have really good relationships with them because I'm sober and because I do practice these principles in all my affairs. And then I guess the last thing is, you know, sponsorship and working with others. And

I've had some, I mean, I, I love to sponsor people and I, I have wonderful babies, but I have really had situations where I just, I did not know how to handle these situations. And I learned so much from them. I guess the two of them I can think of the most is one I sponsored this girl

who used to be a man. And so I didn't. And no one knew, you know, whether she was a woman or a man. And frankly she didn't either. And, and,

and she was huge. She used to be a, she used to be a gunny Sergeant in Vietnam. OK, so anyway,

Jesus, huge, I mean, just talking person and she's to work, wear all these little Lacy things. And so I, I sponsored her and, and I remember the first time she ever called my house and my son came running through the house and he said, mom, mom, there's a man on the phone and she's crying. But she he said there's a man on the phone and he's crying. But he said his name is Lisa

and I sponsored her for five years

and for five years I talked to this woman about AA and I treated her with a kind of dignity that I, that a lot of people frankly didn't. But especially when she'd walk in the ladies room and start talking, all the women like leap out of the stalls because they didn't know if there was a man in there or was a woman. I mean, it was really difficult. This woman was okay. This was, you know, I said that the least of our brethren. That's what we're talking about. It's really

my sponsors taught me this lesson. Boy, I'll tell you, you know, it's easy to sponsor people who sort of look good and have great jobs or whatever, but the least of our brethren, that's who we're really tested. And,

and the other person I sponsored who taught me one of the great lessons in my life, it was a woman named Christmas. And so in our group, they always make fun of you, you know. So anyway, this woman was a blind epileptic who kept having seizures all the time. And somehow she'd had 100 sponsors, but somehow she latched onto me. So when we'd walk into the room, people would go, oh, Merry Christmas, you know?

And this girl, I'm never sure she was, she was really an alcoholic, but she lived in a board and care in, in in Los Angeles. And

she called me every single day, usually five times a day at the office.

I had to keep telling the my secretary, you know, when this woman says she wants to kill herself, just don't pay any attention because, you know, you always have to tell your secretaries that if they say they want to kill themselves, just if I'm out here, just tell him to scrub the floor and I'll call back, you know, or something like that because you just don't know what to say. But anyway, she had one dramatic problem after, I mean, truly dramatic problems.

And I just, I just didn't know what to do. And then she'd call me and say, you know, my son hung himself.

He's a cadet at West Point. He hung himself last night. And I'd just be so upset. And then I'd call West Point. Of course, I never heard of the guy. And so finally I talked to Clancy and I said, I, I, I don't, I don't know what to do. I don't know how to sponsor. So he gave me some advice. So anyway, the next day Christmas called me and she said that she was really, really upset because she'd been walking across the street and five men had it come up to her, thrown her down and raped her, you know, while she was crossing

my I knew this was a cane about two miles long, and I knew this was impossible. But anyway, I thought, Oh my God, I can't say what Clancy told me to say, but I anyway said it anyway. So I said to her, well, Christmas, that was yesterday and this is today.

And, you know, I mean, I got it. You know, she was a drama queen, but so was I.

And

Christmas taught me how not to be a drama queen. She taught me to love the unlovable. Again, That's what happens. Taught me to love the unlovable.

I think probably sponsorship is the most rewarding aspect of my own daily personal life because I, I just love it. I I there's something about you get no rewards for it whatsoever

in the world. There are no rewards. You know you don't have to pay money. Well, some people do, but I that's another story that's I'll tell you about that later anyway. But there you know there's nothing about it that would signify a rewarding life. In fact, my boss many times and recently said OK, you have to cut back on those phone calls. But

the truth is, there's something about

watching a young girl,

you know, in my case, watching a young girl, you know, come in here broken, unable to function, unable to think, talk, live,

drive anything, be able to suddenly watch that person grow in a, A and get a job and get an apartment and get married or get pregnant. I mean, there, there's almost nothing more beautiful, you know? And there are times I, I do forget. We all forget, you know, then watching this happen and there are no rewards for it, except the rewards are that your heart just gets bigger and bigger

and you feel more love. And you can give more love and you can share what happens is your own very demons that you don't want to tell anybody about. You tell them because you're sharing their experience with them. And they say, oh, you felt that way too. Oh, you did. You did that too. Yeah. Or yeah. And that's what happens. And you start, you can give it back. And then what happens is the very things you hate yourself for,

or you hated yourself for, you're the most. The weaknesses then you give to other people and then they become your strengths.

But it's not something that happens up here in your head. It's, it's something that happens by talking one alcoholic to another. So,

so I love that, you know, I, I really do. And I and I, I've just learned from the people ahead of me. You know, I've learned from the people ahead of me. I mean,

how to do it and how to stay in the game, because that's what we have to do, is sustain the game on a daily basis.

Well, I don't know how long I've talked, but I also said that

you have to ask questions. Clancy was polite. But I'm, I'm not doing it because I you have to ask questions, OK? Even if you don't want to and you're nervous or you're shy or something, please ask some questions because I think it, it certainly will help me, but it, it helps you too, OK?

Hi Mary, thank you for your speech. It was great. I wanted to ask you regarding your sponsorship,

when is there any advice you can give people on when they're ready to sponsor and any signs any?

Well, not in your first week, although

I started sponsoring pretty early, you know, when I was about six months sober.

But I had very little to give. It was just kind of like trooping along together.

I think that

I think some people just deigned to be sponsors. I mean everybody, you know, sponsors, but some people are just naturally good at it from the get go. I, I was not,

but

I don't think there's any time. I don't think you can say there's six months or a year. Do you plants you think there's any time limit for when you should be a sponsor

when they ask you, I guess that's right. And when they ask you,

yeah. But the one thing I the one thing I do know is I know that when they ask you, you say yes,

that's a deal whether you want to or not IQ that I shouldn't even be in general population. I should. It's amazing. I hope spit in my mouth.

And so she went and had a talk with Mr. Well, and she said that that she didn't want to have that in my record. So they actually, she brought a man in to test me, to test my IQ. And what I want you to know is that I don't have an IQ of 83. I have an IQ somewhere like in the low 130's. OK. I'm kind of highly native intelligent,

but as Andre and Mickey can attest, I do not know how to spell. Even to this day, most, most communications that I send out to campus, I send to them so that they can edit them because you know, the words that I write in spell check says no suggestion.

But that doesn't mean that I'm stupid. It just means the girl can't spell.

You know, when he was testing me, this this man was testing me. He gave me all of there's lots of different things that they test you and that they give you pictures

and and you put puzzles together with pictures and I like off the scale, really intelligent over there. But then he asked me about the Vatican. And now I want you to know, being a good Hispanic, I was baptized in years, pierced at six months. I'm a Catholic, but I did not know the Vatican was where the Pope lived,

he says. Do you know what the Vatican is?

I thought, wow, Vatican.

I thought and I said, well, you know, there's a lot of wineries around here and I, you know, these those big rubber things that carry wine. I'm thinking, well, you know, it's like a VAT. Maybe they line it with cans VAT a can

got a Vatican. Yeah. Well, I guess you had to be there at any rate.

At any rate, when I want you,

you to know is that that little girl that was told all these things is who walked through the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous. And when I got to you, I believe that I couldn't read or write. I had a lot of hostility, a lot of hate and a lot of shame. So it's taken a lot of work with people like Louise and other people. I've had great mentors. So I have great, great love for the for the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. And the truth of the matter is they tell you that when you get here, that Alcoholics Anonymous, that they'll love you and tell you they can love yourself.

And you know, you don't really understand that while you're here. When you first get here, you don't really understand the distinction of that. You don't understand what that really means. But what I can tell you is that I was taught when I was new, you know, my, my Home group was the primary purpose and the primary purpose put on this Spring Fling for the first five years until we turned it over to the greater Sacramento. I was on the the Spring Fling committee for the first eight years of my recovery. And when I became a member of primary purpose, so only the primary purpose people, it was, were a lot of them. I think we pretty much

dominated control the committee, but we have surrendered that pretty much. But you know, I wasn't a long enough sober. I wasn't long enough sober to hold any position. So why he created a position? I was the very first historian for the spring flood and they said they said, well, we'll just create this position if she doesn't fall friends. But I had, you know, I got these mannequins.

I got these mannequins and I put, they used to have the Spring Fling used to have the hostesses of where these little

unbelievable dresses, right. I got a mannequin that had it. You remember that? Yeah, it was just, I had all this stuff. I don't know what happened to it. We put it in a box and somebody has it. I wish I would have held on to it, but I was able to to be a part of the Spring Fling for the first eight years of my recovery. And I absolutely believe that immensely contributed to me learning how to be in the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. So if you're new and the people that identified themselves, what I recommend is that you get involved in a a that you become part of the fellowship. I'm going to read something

to you because it's my favorite page. And when I was publicity chair, I had actually put it in the program

because I could,

because I was publicity.

And it I just love this part. And I'm going to read it because, you know, in the time that we have, I don't have a whole lot of time. So I'm going to read this. The last 15 years of my life have been rich and meaningful. I've had my share of problems, heartaches and disappointments because that is life. But also I have known a great deal of joy and a piece that is handmaiden of an inner freedom. I have a wealth of friends and with my a friends and unusual quality of fellowship. For to these people I am truly related. 1st through mutual pain and despair, and later through mutual objectives and newfound faith and hope. And as the years go,

working together, sharing our experiences with one another and also sharing I'm not obligations, we acquire relationships that are unique and priceless. There is no more aloneness with that awful lake so deep in the heart of every alcoholic that nothing before could ever reach. God, I just love this bitch. The ache is gone and never need return again. Now there's a sense of belonging, of being wanted,

needed and loved. In return for the bottle and a hangover, we've been given the keys of the Kingdom,

and that has been what's been given to me in Alcoholics Anonymous. You know, when I was three years sober, I was self-employed.

That's because I was hanging out at Group Three with a lot of potential and noon meetings.

I was just, I had a lot of potential and it was, I don't know, at least you remember all of you that got together and, and filled out that application for that state job. Do you remember that? I could you know, I mean, they put together this, this, this resume

for me resume. I mean, they like set me down and you know, how old numbers in a they, they, they, they talk and take notes and they put this thing together. And I got this, you know, the application and they helped me fill it out and I sent it off to the state of California. And they, they sent me back a letter saying I had a test date to be a inspector, a project inspector for the state architects office. And, and I, and I don't remember who it was. I think it was Patricia and somebody else. Patricia. See that took me down and let me off at the at the Community Center