Dan P. at the Glasshouse Group in Fort Worth, TX

Hi everybody, My name is Dan Pennant. I'm an alcoholic. I'm grateful to be here sober tonight.

Is it just a year? It seems like longer.

It's a pleasure to be back at the Glass House

and see some friendly faces and, and a lot of faces I don't recognize. And, and, but we're the same. We're the same folks.

I remember when I went to my very first meeting and,

and, and I looked around and, and there were people with bright eyes and they weren't drinking, they said. And I wasn't sure I believe that, but

what I found was it that we were all alike in the, in that

we all had a problem with with booze

and and you guys had a solution. You were willing to share it with me for fun and for free. And I'm really grateful for that.

I didn't set out to be an alcoholic.

I thought I was too young and too cute to be an alcoholic.

Umm, yeah.

And I I'd watch my mom die of this disease in 1975. And

God, I didn't want to be like that.

But there I was getting up every morning saying I'm not going to drink today. And by 5:00 I'd be drinking. It was off. It was off.

So I came to you guys in the miracle started happening

Eve. I hope they're happening for you. Congratulations on that 60 days. That's a really neat deal.

Umm,

I'm supposed to tell you briefly what I was like and, and what happened to me and, and,

and what I'm like today is a result of what happened to me in and I'm going to try to do that in the next little bit. Actually I'm through I'm supposed to be limited to 5 minutes on it

but I'll try to do that.

I grew up here in Fort Worth and in a, in a very normal

family, I thought. And, and there weren't any active alcoholism going on in my house. And, and there was a lot of drinking. My folks had two or three drinks before dinner every night and, and it just always seemed like a festive time. It seemed like part of living and, and, and a really good part of living.

I don't know. They had parties and there was always booze at the parties and, and, but I never, I never saw anybody getting drunk and and disorderly. It was a it was a

a normal childhood growing up.

I have two brothers, one older and one younger and,

and, and life was pretty good.

I remember moving over to the West side of town. I grew up on the South Side and I moved over here on the West Side when, when I was about nine. And, and I remember

being LED for some reason or another in this new school, in this new neighborhood. And, and I never really got over that. I wanted to be somebody else someplace else. Doing something else with somebody else

nice didn't fit in my skin

when I was about 13.

I don't remember my first drink. I remember, though, that I, that I went when I was about 14 to a movie with some older guys and, and they had some beer and, and, and I drank a little more beer than everybody else did. And I threw up and, and got, got home, went to bed and got up the next morning and thought, you know, this is, this isn't bad. This this booze deal. You know, I can drink with these older guys. I got to do something about the puking. But if I, if I can do that,

this British deal is a pretty good deal because it made me feel, it made me feel different. I felt like I fit in. Tell a few

and and I just started a pattern for me. I, I, I began drinking every time I got a chance after that, usually on the weekends

And, and I and I learned how to drink and, and not to. And

I

about that time got hooked on speed as well. We didn't call it speed in those days. It was Dexedrine and, and that made me a little nervous. I had to lace it with Milltown and I was kind of a tranquilizer and it was sort of

better living through chemistry. And I did that for, I don't know, eight or eight or nine years and, and, and, and really had a hard time getting off the street. I

and looking back of course everything I tell you is stuff I've learned from doing this first and 5th step. Looking back

and the way I got off the speed was I just simply increased my alcohol intake, nothing to it.

I

Booze was my drug attraction and I

and remain that way for a long time.

I was, I guess, a moderate to heavy drinker and, and

the book talks about the various, our, our book and, and those of you

who don't have a copy of this book, Alcoholics Anonymous, it's the owner's manual. I'd suggest that you get one and read it. If you're like us, you'll find yourselves in there.

It contains

the program of Alcoholics Anonymous and it contains some stories about

various people like us

and how they lived and what happened to him and and what they were like. After

I found myself in that book, I, I always wanted to be a big shot because I knew if I, if you thought I was a big shot,

then maybe I could feel better about me than I did.

And, and I always knew one day they'd write a book about me. And sure enough, they did.

Is this one right? Yeah. I never thought it's gonna be anonymous, but

I found me in there and and if you're like me, you'll find you in there too.

I,

I was sent off to, to a military school the last two years in high school and, and it was either at a reform school and I still don't know whether I made the right choice going out there, but I did. And, and, and I went from there and, and every chance I could get off of that campus out there where everything was regulated, then I would have, I'd find a way to find some whiskey

and, and, and drink and be with the other guys and, and things were things were pretty good.

I left there and went to

I guess after I after I got out of high school. From that point on until I found you guys, I was a daily drinker.

I drank every day. Not, I didn't get drunk every day, but I drank every day. And,

and I went from the Mexico Military Institute, where everything was regulated,

to the University of Texas, where everything was not regulated. And I spent the first six months at Schultz's beer garden before I found out they were holding classes up at the other end of the street.

And well, I thought if they didn't care whether or not I went to class, why should I? You know,

my father got to the point where he didn't care that I went to class either or not. And he said that was the end of of his financial support. So I came back up here to TCU and where I could get a job. I couldn't get a job in Austin those days. There were so many students and so few jobs.

And so I came back here and, and got a job and, and climbed a four year course into about 6 1/2 out of TCU,

drinking all the time and, and partying and having a wonderful time. And, and I, and I never was a very good student. I graduated from TCU and, and went out to the West Coast, moved out there to make my fortune that didn't work and came back here and went to law school. And for the first time in my life, I, I really got involved in something that I, that I was good at and I really liked. And,

and, and law school was the thing and,

and, and as I say, I was a daily drinker by that time. But because of the workload, the drinking was, was way down. But for the first time in my life, I used booze as a medicine. I, I would work hard during the week and, and I'd get through 9:30 or 10:00 and I couldn't go to sleep. And, and I found a couple of shooters would just smooth that thing right out. I could go to sleep

and, and it would just kind of shut the mind down a little bit. And,

and, and I did that on a regular basis every day. I, I get through this with my work, 9:00 or 9:30 and I, and I have a couple of shooters and something to eat and I go to bed.

I got out of law school and, and, and had a really good job offering, went up to Washington, DC and, and worked for the Justice Department for four years. And, and, and again, I was drinking all the time, but I mean every day, but only after work. And, and, and it was just never see. It just wasn't a problem. There's been a problem for me. It's part of life, just part of everything that was going on.

I tell you that. And and I, I also looking back can tell you that denial was was rampant even then. I look back at, at

I had my first

automobile accident drunk before I had a driver's license. I was down in Crestwood and I, I just happened to be down there the other day and I and I drove past, there was a tree in the middle of the street. And I remember going right forward that tree because it looked to me like there were two ways

and I was going to go between and I ran right. And anyway, you know, I didn't have a driver's license. It was some family member of neighbor's car. It was I was doing it without permission.

I did a lot of that. They, they used to call it stealing cars. I, I never thought of it that way exactly. It it was we borrow a car and go joyride and take it back and

they have no sense of humor about it at all. I got caught every time.

Anyhow, I got out of law school and he's working for the Justice Department. Had a wonderful time and and

by the time I got to you guys, I heard people talking about blackouts and if I could have taken a lie detector test and passed it

and tell you that I I never had a black guy. But in doing that four step and talking to somebody in the 5th step, it occurred to me that I had my first blackout

when I was 18 down the University of Texas. I went to a party and from 7:30 on I've had no memory of it, but they had pictures of me the next day. They showed me crawling around on the floor on my hands and knees, looking up the little girl's dresses, and I didn't have any memory of that.

And that happened a lot

by the time I got to you guys. It didn't happen often early. I mean it, it was later. There were a lot of blackouts, but I never thought of miss blackouts. I don't know why

I came back to Fort Worth and and opened up a practice about this time

my younger brother.

I had left home maybe 4-5 years before that and and my mother started drinking pretty heavily and,

and

by 1970 she had full blown alcoholism and

and it was really causing a problem in my family. And by that time I'm drinking 1/2 a quart a day and and it doesn't seem to me like I've got a problem. So I lead the family intervention on my mother logical choice. And I thought I knew a lot about alcoholism. I didn't

and she sobered up for a couple of years. She wouldn't go to Ana, though, 'cause you guys just weren't her kind of folks,

you know? And so she wouldn't go.

And as a result, she started drinking again. Within four years, she was dead

of this disease. And and again, I thought I knew a lot about alcoholism. I kept saying, you know, I I don't drink like she does. I can't be never even occurred to me that I was not following. All I knew is that I didn't drink like she did. And why in the hell couldn't she

control her drinking? I mean, it was just a matter of of willpower. You just needed to have a little willpower and and she didn't have any. And I thought it was a moral failing on her part.

And, and I and I watched her die of this disease. It was a terrible thing.

I got married my last year in law school and we had a couple of boys and, and, and the marriage was good and the practice was great as long as I was with the Justice Department and during the law school years. And I got out and opened up a practice here and, and all of a sudden the the the competition was different. For some reason or another,

it seemed to me that the competition was in, in order to be successful

at law practice, you had to one, make a lot of money to have a lot of toys, 3 have the, the prestige and the, and the good wishes of all of your peers. And and

and and I kept fighting for that and, and and wanting that and and, and I got real lucky and, and got that

all I wanted to that. And

what happened was that the the the most successful at that practice got the the less successful the marriage was. And all these two little kids and, and my wife went crazy and, and I went into a mental institution and, and she

stayed there for about 6 months and, and came back out and we did some family therapy and it got a little better. And, and, and then she went crazy again and was there in there for a year that time. And, and,

and I was mom and dad and lawyer and, I mean, I had a lot of hats and, and I tried to wear them all. And, and,

and I just to show you how selfish and self-centered I was,

what happened for me was I couldn't feel any real compassion for her. All I felt was anger because she wasn't holding up her end of the deal and I was having to hold up both our ends of the deal. And,

And So what happened was we went to some more family counseling and, and she could tell the counselor what was wrong with her and, and how she felt and,

and I couldn't, and she got better and I didn't. That's simple. We got a divorce and, and I left that marriage busted and, and, but I, I still had a good practice and, and so the money started flowing again pretty quick and, and I started playing and I had a wonderful time for a few years.

I did a lot of traveling and, and fun stuff and, and I, and again, I was a daily drinker and, and it just never occurred to me that booze was a problem for me

heavy drinker. And I knew I was a heavy drinker, but I could hold my booze, you know, Besides, I was just a social drinker, right? And, and somebody said, and it was, it's true for me. I was such a social drinker that every time somebody said I'll have a drink, I'd say so shall I, you know?

But it just didn't seem to be a problem. Just didn't seem to be a problem.

I was 30 years old and, and I swear I'd never get married again. And, and

well, one thing I got to say about that, that first marriage is, is during that time, I was so angry about her not holding up her end of the deal. The result of that was

that there was a bond between my kids and me that even my most active alcoholism couldn't break. And I I'm really grateful for that today. I didn't realize it then, but that,

umm, that was really a wonderful plus for me.

So I swear I never get married again. I'm single about five years and I'm playing and having a wonderful time and

doing a lot of traveling and there are a lot of relationships with women in my life, some of them

last of the Night and some of them a few nights. And, and

I didn't see that didn't seem to me to be anything strange. I mean, it just seemed to be the way, the way it was going. And, and so I swear I never get married again. And I, I'm 40 years old and I meet this 19 year old blonde, gorgeous country western singer. I can't just, I can't live another minute without her. And we get married and,

and,

and have a great time for a couple of years and,

and then I ran out of money. I had to go back to work and

and our marriage fell apart

and strange we went to counseling and she could tell the counselor but she was feeling and I couldn't did she got better and I didn't. You may notice a pattern here. I I didn't until I got to you guys.

It was a very angry and acrimonious divorce and I left that marriage busted and.

But the practice was good and so

I I started planning and carrying on some more and

I was having a really good time and. And all of a sudden, though, my

former

Midas touch just turned the other turned brown. I mean, it just, it was just

like, like it been a, a 360 degree reverse. I, I started making some really bad business decisions and, and investments and, and, and things started cratering for me and,

and I did what I, what I always had done. I, I had never tried to quit drinking, to quit drinking. I, I've always had a weight problem. And, and so once in a while I would, I would say, oh, I'm, I ballooned up too much. I need to start running and, and get back in shape and, and, and I couldn't do that and still drinking. So I quit drinking forever long. It took a month, two months, three months, six months and it just wasn't a problem.

Well, in 1986 I

things weren't going well and I decided that I needed to

get my life back in order in a normal way.

And I was getting up every morning saying I'm not going to drink today and by 5:00 I'd be drinking

unless it was the weekend, in which case it might be a little earlier. I remember thinking I I didn't drink in the morning like my mother did.

And and I remember saying that after I got to you guys and and a woman that I dated some when we were both drinking was in in one of those meetings when I was finding about that. And and after me, she said, well, didn't we drink some mimosas in the mornings on Saturday or Sunday or some, or some Bloody Marys? I said, well, yeah, but I mean, that was a weekend, you know, that didn't count.

It just never occurred to me that counted for drinking in the morning or a trip, you know? I mean, how could that? Well,

this is the only disease that I'm aware of that tells us that we don't have it. You know,

cancer doesn't tell you you don't have cancer, but alcoholism tells you they're not allowed to you. You drink like all the rest of those guys. It was true that I did. I drank like a lot of those those guys. A lot of them were in the program today.

So I,

I called a friend of mine

that he said that he wasn't drinking and two or three of the other guy said, you know, he's really not drinking.

And I've tried all the stuff the book talks about. You know, it talks about beer only flying only drinking only in the, you know,

in the afternoon, stringing out at night, taking a trip, not taking a trip, all that stuff. I tried all that stuff,

but I was still getting up every morning and and saying I don't drink today and behind 5:00 I'll be drinking.

And so I go see this guy and we have lunch and and I say, is it really true that you have had a drink in six months? And he said, yeah, yeah. I said, you get any help with that? He said, yeah, I'm going to. You want to go to a meeting?

And I thought, Oh my God, hey

Jesus, I'm just like my mother. I'm a drunk just like my mother. Got to go to A and a.

That is one of the blackest days of my life because I really didn't set out to have on my resume that I'd be an alcoholic.

I really thought that it was, that it was a moral failing. And I, I don't know where I got that idea,

but, but, but I thought, oh shit, I've got it.

And I had tried so hard and not to have it and, and,

but, but for me, it was like, it was like making love to a gorilla, you know, you just couldn't stop till the gorilla on it too.

Who's had me

and and then just one thing. I couldn't get it loose, you know.

So

I he told me that this Betty of his and mine too was also not drinking and that they were going to go to an Ana meeting that night.

Why don't I go with him? And I thought, boys, I'm, I'm really busy, but

let me check my schedule. I'll get back to you. We're really weird. We're incredible. We're, we're,

we're drowning and somebody throws us a lifeline and it lands right beside us

and we say, wait a minute, let me give her some thought.

Maybe I don't really need your lifeline.

Maybe I can swim this 30 miles back to show

we're incredible.

So anyhow, Lab shadow was I went to a meeting with these guys,

went to an 85 minutes a little less that group down here and

and

it was a Tuesday night.

And

and all I remember about that meeting was that

they were a bunch of clear eyed people there

who were happy to see me and asked me to come back

and treated me like I had the same kind of problem I did. And all they wanted to do was share the solution that they had with me for fun and for free. I've never been a place like that.

And the laughter, the laughter was great. It seemed like it was in the wrong places, but there was a lot of laughter and that was good for me because everyone anything funny going on in my life at that point,

only guys brought me a big book. They took me home.

Now I haven't had a drink before. They came by to pick me up at 7:30 for this 8:00 meeting and, and,

and that was pretty late for me not to have a drink and

but I didn't want to do any screw up their program, whatever it was, you know, so I didn't have a drink. And they got and they got me back to the house about 9:30 and they said, can we come in a minute and talk? Do you have a coke and, and talk to you about some stuff? And I said,

yeah, I guess so, because I don't have a drink in front of them, you know, and

God knows what I might do to their program. And

me, me, me. I'm Eman, you know, I mean, that's just somebody said that the, that the, that the Alcoholics theme song ought to be. I'm always on my mind, you know,

I heard one guy say I'm not much, but I'm almost all I ever think about.

So they came in and we talked for the longest hour I believe I've ever

spread in my whole life

and why you guys bought me a big recommended. They left finally and I just couldn't wait to get over and for me and big stiff drink and take it down and

and I sat down and drank 1/2 a quart of whiskey and and read the first half of the big book.

I was really a smart dude. I had two college degrees and and I could read this stuff, boy. And, and

I was so smart, in fact, that if I'd have been that much smarter, I'd have died drunk

just that much more. Thank God

the next morning I get up and I said I'm not going to drink today and I go off to work and

5:00 I'm leaving a meeting where everything is falling apart and, and nothing's going the way I want it to go. And, and, and I get back to my office and, and I and I pour a couple of stiff shooters and I go to a party and have a couple of drinks there and then and then go home, 'cause by this time, if I go to a party, I and have two or three drinks, I don't want to start slurring my words and look like my mother.

So if I feel that coming on, I'm in the car and I'm going home.

So here's Mr. Social Drinker drinking 1/2 a quart of whiskey every night by himself in his house.

I don't know how that computes to you. It seemed to me to be social drinking

I

so I went home and drank another half a quarter whiskey in and read the rest of that big book. Got the next one drink today,

5:00 that day I'm coming home from another meeting

and and it's just everything's going to hell in a handbasket and nobody's doing it the way I want them to. And

I leave that meeting and and I'm walking back to my office. And at that point I hadn't said a prayer. I bet in 30 years, maybe 40, I had no

relationship with God of any kind. I'd given up on God. I had been through a number of Protestant religions. I'd studied submission, Eastern religions. I had converted to Catholicism at one point when I was dating a Catholic girl who had what I wanted, and

she really did. It was, it was incredible. You could watch her go down the aisle to the front of the church and take communion. And when she stood up and turned around, she was a different person.

And I, and that was very attractive to me.

And I tried that. I, I tried as hard as I could to find what she had in Catholicism and I couldn't find it.

So I gave up on a church and I have any, any kind of a relationship with God at all. And I'm walking back to my office and, and I just can't wait to have a drinking and a voice or a or a thought or something said to me, I thought you weren't going to drink today. God, my heart started

pen and my palm started sweating

and I looked up and in the most skeptical way I said, Well, I guess you're going to help me out of that and walk back to my office.

And for the first time in my memory, I was out of booze at my office.

I have a booze mouth and I had two emergency phone calls from clients that I had to return. Took about an hour to return these two calls

and I didn't have to have a drink

And I went back to a meeting that little West Side group Thursday night, December the 18th, 1986 and picked up a chip

one of these guys

and

and I'm had to have a drink since then or any mind altering drug

and

and it's been a it's been a really incredible ride. It's been an incredible ride.

I thank God I didn't have to do anything to get the gifts

of the program. The first gift was that I could sit down and listen

new the answer to everything. But for the first time, I could sit down and I could listen to you guys

tell me how it was with you and what you were doing to stay sober.

You all taught me I didn't ever have to

have that loneliness or fear, that crippling loneliness and fear again.

I could just come in here and be with you and I'd be part of you,

and you love me back to hell until I could start to love myself.

And you did that for me.

I started going to meetings and and I and I just loved the meeting. I love the laughter and I loved everything about it. I got a sponsor.

I I got started in the steps.

I remember I was 90 days sobering. This woman I've been with for two years

split here. I'd sobered up, cleaned up my shit. That was all she wanted out of it and

and my sponsor said Hooray, this will give you some time to work on your program.

It's wonderful how they coddle us in it.

You all taught me to do 5 things every day. You said pick up said Get out on your knees and ask God to keep you sober in the morning

for that day.

In the day on your knees thanking God for keeping you sober.

I read something out of the big book and go to a meeting, pick up that 10,000 LB telephone and call another alcoholic every day. I've been doing those five things every day for 14 years and I am had to have a drink.

I don't know

which one of those things is keeping me sober,

but I'm afraid to give one of them up in case that's the one. So I'm in the habit of doing those things,

they said. And then your only job is don't pick up the first drink because it's the first drink to get you.

I didn't have any problem with accepting that I was powerless over alcohol, but I probably was that my life was unmanageable.

And I said, look, I'm a, I'm a,

a partner in an international law firm.

That's a big deal. And I got cars and houses and, and, and my kids are, you know,

one of the guys who was in the meeting when I said that knew me a little bit and, and knew me before I got to you guys. And, and he came up to me after the meeting. He said, listen,

your kids really are just before not speaking to you in that right? I said, well, yeah, I just found that out.

And he said you've had to fail marriages and you've had at least four failed law partnerships and God knows how many failed business ventures.

He said what would you pay some son of a bitch to manage your life the way you're running?

I thought, well, I guess I'd fire him. He said good answer, let's fire him.

So I did. I did method. My life was unmanageable by me.

And then the hard part for me was was

coming to believe that there was a power greater than myself. It could restore me to sanity. I knew I was kind of crazy, but I didn't think that there was a, a higher power that could help me. You know, I believed in a, in a, in a God that was

in charge of the tides and the seasons, maybe in the rain and, but but not anybody that would have an interest in me.

And,

and so the first thing they told me was you got to get on in your knees and, and pray to God. And, and I said, I just, that's ridiculous. I don't believe in God. And, and Ron Evans, Ronnie over at legacy told me one of the smartest guys I know. He's an eighth grade dropout under the bridge wino and he said

that he had the same problem. He

he told his first sponsor, I don't believe in God. You want me to get out on my knees and pray to this God I don't believe in? That's ridiculous. And he said his sponsor said to him, what's one more ridiculous thing in your life?

He said it to me so I could understand it in a way I could hear it.

And so he told me. He said it doesn't matter what you feel, it doesn't matter what you believe, it doesn't matter

what you think. All that matters is what you do. Get out on your knees and pray to God ask you to keep you sober. So I started doing that and I know who I was praying to and I and honestly, it was like writing a note and and tying it on a rock and throw it over the over the wall. I didn't know that there was anybody over reading it or not, you know,

And finally one day I'm on my knees and I'm 90 days sober, 120 days sober and,

and, and I realize that I'm sober

and it wasn't me. Had to be somebody else.

They told me that

this is God's con job. I think a for Alcoholics like us who just, he couldn't get to any other way.

They said, OK, Penny, you don't believe in God. Can you write down the qualities that a God would have that you could believe in if you were going to believe in God now? Nothing. We're going to make you believe in him. You don't have to believe anybody if you were going to. Are there some characteristics that such a God might have that you could write down? And I said yes. And so I started writing down.

He's hard, powerful and all knowing and all loving and all forgiving and,

and he's a little overweight and he's trying to quit smoking and he's got a pretty good sense of humor, right?

I thought I could, I could work with a guy like that maybe. And, and, and sure. And I found 120 days sobering. And I'm praying to this God that I, that you guys taught me how to design

and,

and just that little bit of willingness to do what you guys suggested that I do little chicken shit things that I knew couldn't possibly work.

And I do them and they work.

It happens over and over and over and has for me for 14 years.

So I came to believe but but trust him in this God was a hard thing.

Until one day somebody said to me, Penner, I saw you just walk across the street in front of a bus that wasn't stopped yet

and you ride on that bus driver whom you've never met, didn't know what the hell he might be smoking to stop that bus at the light so he wouldn't run over you. And yet you won't trust God, who loves you more than anything in the world.

And finally, click for me. Maybe I can trust her.

Maybe I can trust God,

he said. You trust the guy next to you in at 70 miles an hour not to move over in your lane.

Why can't you trust this guy that that loves you more than anything you can possibly imagine?

He asked me. He said Penny. He said you're you've got two boys. You really love those boys, don't you? I said, yeah, I really do,

He said. How much do you love him? I said I can't describe to you how much I love those boys,

he said. If your God is all powerful and all knowing and all loving and all forgiving, then

He must love you even more than you love those boys.

And I thought, Jesus, maybe that's right,

maybe that's right.

And I began to trust. I began to trust that God has for me in store

better stuff than I could ever imagine for myself. I just get out of the way

if I just be gentle with myself and get out of his way and let his will work in my life.

They, they told me I had to take the third step. And again, Ron, Ronnie told me that, that

when I asked him, did I, did he think that I really ought to take the third step? He said the worst thing can happen is it'll get it out of the hands of an idiot.

What that does, the first step sets me free.

All all my job is is to just do the next right thing, and I'm not responsible for the results. That's somebody else's business. All I can do is do the next right thing and let the results take care of themselves.

You taught me the process. The process is

is to pray about it, use the brain that God gave me to think about it, and then decide what is the next right thing to do and then before doing it, check it out with somebody else and Alcoholics not. That's the process that these steps teach us how to do,

and I do that today. When I don't do it, I'm usually in trouble.

One guy told me that the third step was simply

the decision. Do I like it better in here with you guys or, or

or I'll go back out there where I came from. Just that sound.

Do I like it better in here with you guys or I want to go back out there where I came from?

If I like it better than here with you guys, then

all I got to do is do the rest of the steps the best of my ability. Pick up a pencil, start riding the four step. I did that the first time I've taken a hard look at me in my life

and thank God I did that because what I found was it's me. It's not them. I thought it was those ungrateful kids, those yo-yo wives, those clients that wouldn't do what I wanted them to do

wasn't them. It was me. It was always me. It was always me

and thank God to know that

because if I know that it's me, I'm not the victim anymore.

If it's you, if it's your action that causes me pain and suffering and and and ill will. Disarmony.

If it's your action that does that to me, then I'm screwed

do because I can't change you.

But if what happens is me, I can change me. I can change my perception of what's going on out there

and I'm not a victim anymore.

So I went through 4:00 and 5:00 and and it was a wonderful thing. I went through 6:00 and 7:00.

Four and five helped me get OK with me, six and seven helped me get OK with God and 8-9 get up and get OK with my fellows.