Clancy I. at Eureka, CA 1976
In
getting
the
spiritual
side
of
the
program
just
now,
and
I
don't
know,
I
think
you
have
a
very
spiritual
group
here.
Anybody
that
reads
chapter
5
and
then
has
a
raffle
is
very
church
like.
Uh,
certainly
glad
you
didn't
have
that
raffle
before
Chapter
5
or
you
couldn't
have
been
part
of
the
tape
for
the
meeting.
The
I
also
would
like
to
comment
on
the
confidence
that
the
committee
has
in
me.
It
always
gives
a
speaker
a
wonderful
feeling
when
they
take
the,
when
they
pass
the
baskets
before
he
talks,
just
in
case
they
all
get
up
in
the
middle
of
the
house.
Screw
that
son
of
a
bitch.
I'm
cutting
out.
Yeah,
I
hope
you
didn't
get
much.
I
I'm
glad
to
be
here
tonight.
I
want
to
thank
my
host,
Wally.
We've
been
very
gracious.
He
and
Hal
came
out
to
the
airport.
Hal
is
part
and
part
of
his
campaign
to
recognize
a
as
when
they
get
off
the
plane,
when
you
don't
know
who
they
are.
And
I
guess
he
recognized
me
because
I
was
the
only
one
who
didn't
look
serene
when
I
stumbled
off
the
plane.
That's
him.
That's
him.
I
want
to
thank
Wally
and
his
wife
for
picking
me
up
and
taking
me
to
their
home
and
having
a
nice
dinner
and
I
have
AI
have
a
bed
to
sleep
in
tonight
with
a
canopy
over
it.
I
feel
like
Louis
the
14th
and
my
own
bathroom.
And
I
thought,
isn't
this
touching
in
my
own
bathroom?
There
can't
be
any
cruelty
in
such
people.
But
I
just
now
I
was
coming
to
the
meeting,
I
was
going
in
there
to
rinse
out
a
few
things
and
right
on
the
counter,
Nick
in
my
bathroom
is
a
hair
dryer,
which
is
a
cruel
joke.
It's
a
cruel
joke.
Just
about
10
years
late.
With
that,
Wally.
Want
to
thanks
a
lot.
If
you're
really
doing
a
nice
job
to
fight
a
wig
like
that,
I'd
wear
it
too.
I
saw
drying
in
the
bathroom.
That's
how
I
know,
next
to
my
hair
dryer.
But
I'm
glad
to
be
here
tonight,
safe
and
sane
and
sober,
because
I
didn't
used
to
be.
And
as
I
like
to
say,
with
the
nature
of
the
illness
that
I
seem
to
have
it,
it's
possible
that
someday
in
the
future
I
will
not
be
safe
and
sane
and
sober
again.
Because
there's
an
awful
lot
of
guys
on
the
street
and
women
who
used
to
be
good,
sober
members
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous
and
who,
for
one
purpose
or
one
reason
or
one
rationalization
or
another,
little
by
little
discontinued
their
activities
until
one
day
they
were
struck
drunk.
And
some
of
them
are,
Some
of
them
were
people
who
felt
they
were
indispensable
to
their
groups
and
to
a
A.
And
it's
kind
of
a
sad
thing,
because
it's
sad
to
remember
that
if
you
or
I
get
drunk
next
week,
be
very
short
time
before
the
chair
is
filled
and
relatively
short
time
before
we're
forgotten.
That's
one
of
the
reasons
I
keep
coming
back,
just
so
the
fools
won't
forget
me.
I
I
used
to
drink
alcohol
and
I
did
not.
I
do
not.
I
am
not
in
that
school
of
thought
that
says
alcohol
was
my
enemy.
I'll
tell
you
what
I
think.
To
me,
alcohol
was
the
best
friend
I
ever
had.
It
was
the
best
friend
I
ever
had.
I
notice
in
my
lifetime
that,
for
instance,
women
came
and
went
and
wives
came
and
went
and
children
and
families
and
houses
and
jobs
and
States
and
cities,
but
a
drink
was
always
the
same.
Whether
it's
in
Vancouver
or
Miami
or
Maine
or
whoever
it
was,
a
drink
stuck
with
me.
And
to
me,
I
did
not
drink
because
I
had
a
problem
with
alcohol
and
I
did
not
drink
because
I
felt
I
had
a
problem
with
alcohol.
Just
the
opposite.
I
drank
because
alcohol
did
something
for
me
that
I
needed
to
have
done
for
me
if
I
was
going
to
go
out
in
those
streets
and
compete
with
those
people
who
had
it
all
together.
I
I
had
my
first
drink
when
I
was
15
years
old.
I
had
it
in
the
South
Pacific
and
I
was
sitting
on
top
a
load
of
torpedo
warheads
and
I
was
the
little
skinny
puke
with
pimples
all
over
his
face.
And
I
took
that
drink
and
I
it
made
me
sick
is
actually
what
happened.
But
how
I
happened
to
be
there?
I
I
grew
up
in
a
little
town
called
Eau
Claire,
WI.
None
of
you
ever
heard
of
that,
I'm
sure.
But
it's
a
little
town
up
in
northern
Wisconsin.
And
it's
the
kind
of
town
that
like
you
see
an
old
Andy
Hardy
movies.
It's
two-story
houses
and
comfortable
and
two
little
rivers
come
together
there
and
make
another
Little
River
which
winds
down
to
the
Mississippi.
And
when
we
were
kids,
we
had
little
rafts
and
we
went
out
there
and
went
on
the
river.
In
the
summertime,
it's
all
green
and
the
just
tunnels
of
trees
you
get
on
the
street,
any
St.
they're
just
trees
making
a
green
tunnel.
In
the
autumn,
all
these
leaves
turn
to
Crimson
and
gold
and
it's
beautiful
and
you
get
that
smell
of
burning
leaves
in
the
air.
There's
no
smell
quite
as
poignant
as
the
smell
of
burning
leaves
in
the
autumn
in
the
north
and
the
east.
In
the
summertime,
the
snow
falls
and
it
looks
just
like
a
picture
or
a
Christmas
card,
you
know,
beautiful
snow
and
little
buildings
and
smoke
coming
up
and
little
white
Spires
of
the
churches.
In
the
springtime,
the
snow
melts
and
the
flowers
come
back.
And
I,
I
always
equate
spring
with
the
first
smell
of
lilacs
and
just
know
that
this
year
I'm
going
to
fall
in
love
again.
And
I
just
hope
it's
with
somebody
I
like.
You
know,
when
spring
comes,
you
got
to
fall
in
love
and
it's
just
a
gentle
town
in
a
sweet
town
and
people
are
nice.
And
I
grew
up
there
and
I
just
couldn't
wait
to
get
out
of
that
God
damn
town.
I
didn't.
I
don't
know
what
there
was.
I
wanted
to
be
out
in
the
big
world
where
those
lights
were
going.
I
wanted
to
be
in
Minneapolis
or
Chicago
or
New
York
or
someplace.
Well,
I
was.
I
was
having
a
little
difficult
in
high
school
too,
actually.
And
when
I
was
15,
as
early
1943,
I
been
reading
and
I,
I
didn't
know
much
about
the
world.
I
thought
I
did.
I
was
raised
in
a
very,
very
strict
religious
ethic,
the
Norwegian
Lutheran
Church.
And
I'll
tell
you
there's
very
few
things
more
strict
than
the
Norwegian
Lutheran
Church.
I
hear
a
lot
of
times
people
in
a
a
talk
about
how
the
rigors
of
the
Catholic
Church
drove
them
to
drink.
Where
the
Catholic
Church
that
did
it
in
Eau
Claire,
WI.
If
you
could
not
make
it
as
a
Norwegian
Lutheran,
and
if
you
were
looking
for
an
easier,
softer
way,
you
could
always
become
a
Catholic.
That's
the
way
it
is
when
you're
paranoid.
You
just
have
to
No,
but
we're
sure
sober
anyway.
The
time
to
test
this
really
is
before
the
meeting,
but
I
I
don't
find
it
necessary
to
judge.
I
now
do
it
by
choice.
The
But
I
was
racing
and
somehow
or
other
I
wanted
to
be
out
in
the
world
and
what
I
knew
about
the
world
I
knew
from
all
like
movies
I
went
to
in
the
night
late
1930s.
I
learned
about
life
from
going
to
the
movies.
Some
of
you,
now
you
just
turned
it
off
again.
Jack,
you
dummy,
I
maybe
some
of
you
in
my
age
bracket
might
remember
those
late
movies.
By
the
early
1940s,
I
thought
I
knew
all
about
life.
By
watching
Warner
Brothers
movies.
I
had
learned
how
to
walk
the
last
mile
without
flinching.
I
had
learned
how
to
bang
my
cup
down
during
a
prison
revolt.
I
had
learned
how
to
duel
Basil
Rathbone
on
the
steps
of
Nottingham
Castle.
I
had
learned
how
to
die
of
cancer.
The
only
thing
I
haven't
learned
much
was
how
to
live
in
the
world.
But
I
thought
I
knew
all
about
it.
And
in
1943
but
I
little
I
knew
about
the
world
again
was
from
Life
magazine.
I
knew
there
was
a
war
on
and
looked
romantic
in
Guadalcanal
in
North
Africa
and
I
wanted
to
get
out
there
in
the
world
and
also
have
this
terrible
lust
for
life.
And
so
on
the
Easter
vacation
of
1943,
I
was
a
junior
in
high
school
and
I
was
having
some
difficulty
because
of
my
attitudes
and
I
didn't
like
this
crappy
town
in
this
crappy
restrictions.
And
so
I
told
my
mother
I
was
going
to
go
to
Superior,
WI
and
see
my
aunt.
And
instead
I
hitchhiked
to
San
Francisco.
And
I
got
to
San
Francisco
and
I
found
a
guy
who
showed
me
how
to
get
some
pony
ID
that
same
day.
And
the
next
morning
I
joined
the
National
Maritime
Union.
And
that
afternoon
I
shipped
out
on
the
Liberty
ship
called
the
S
S
Lewis
Pasteur
and
a
load
of
torpedo
DO
warheads
going
to
the
South
Pacific.
And
about
six
hours
out
of
port
I
suddenly
realized,
oh
Jesus,
this
isn't
it
either.
This
is
not
it.
And
I
told
the
captain
that
I
had
changed
my
mind
and
I
thought
I'd
like
to
go
home
and
visit
with
my
mother.
And
he
told
me
to
dummy
up.
And
that
day
I
was
in
a
that
night
I
was
in
a
focal
is
a
room
on
a
ship
where
people
sleep.
And
I
was
really
kind
of
afraid
and
scared
and
I
was
way
over
my
head.
I
thought
I
was
too
slick
for
Eau
Claire,
WI,
but
I
wasn't
slick
enough
for
this,
I'll
tell
you.
And
I
was
in
there
with
three
of
the
worst
types
of
people.
When
you're
15
and
got
pimples
on
your
face,
these
are
the
worst
type
of
people.
They're
called
men
men
and
they're
all
talking
about
things
and
easy
For
me,
they
seem
to
just
be
like
all
grown-ups
always
seem
to
be.
Remember
this
one
guy
reaching
his
sea
bag
and
he
took
out
a
bottle
of
whiskey
and
he
offered
it
to
one
of
his
friends
while
I
cowered
my
bunk?
He
said,
you
want
a
little
snark?
And
I
said,
yeah,
you
want
a
little
snort?
And
I
said
yeah.
So
how
about
you,
Junior?
Do
you
think
you're
men
enough
for
a
little
snort?
And
I
looked
up
at
him
with
my
steely
blue
eyes.
And
I
thought
to
myself,
You
big
fool,
I
don't
drink
whiskey.
Lutherans
don't
drink
whiskey.
You're
obviously
Catholics.
Lutherans
don't
do
anything
like
that.
And
if
I
did,
I
still
wouldn't
because
my
I
promised
both
my
mother
and
my
grandmother
that
I
would
not
ever
drink
whiskey.
And
besides
that,
bad
guys
drink
whiskey.
Good
guys
don't.
That's
another
thing
you
get
from
the
movies.
In
the
1930s.
Errol
Flynn
never
drank
whiskey.
I
thought
Basil
Rathbone
drinks
whiskey.
Buck
Jones
never
drank
any
whiskey.
Rustlers
named
Slade
drink
whiskey.
And
he
shoved
that
bottle
in
my
face
and
he
said,
you
think
you're
mad
enough?
And
I
looked
right
up
at
him
and
I
said
God
damn
right.
I've
always
been
a
little
weak
under
peer
pressure,
actually.
And
I
had
my
first
drink
of
whiskey
on
that
ship
and
it
went,
it
burned
my
mouth
and
it
burned
my
throat
and
it
burned
my
stomach.
And
then
it
turned
around
and
burned
my
stomach
and
burned
my
throat
and
burned
my
mouth
and
my
ears
and,
and
are
just
dreadful.
And
I
just
thought
to
myself,
God,
and
what
I
remember
most
about
I
could
still
almost
hear
it
sometimes,
is
the
sneering,
scornful
laughter
that
I
recall
of
those
guys
going
too
much
for
your
punk.
And
there
wasn't
anything.
I
wasn't
big
enough
to
do
anything
about
it.
I
thought
later
what
I
might
have
done
is
get
one
to
lean
over
and
say,
hey,
lean
over
it.
You
say,
yeah,
take
that,
you
know,
But
that
is
not
really
a
stopper.
I'm
glad
I
didn't
think
of
it,
but
all
the
way
across
the
central
Pacific
on
that
ship,
I
snuck
into
that
guy's
sea
bag
every
day
that
tried
to
hold
a
drink
down.
I
hated
it.
It
stunk.
It
was
rotten.
But
as
in
nearly
every
part
of
my
life,
when
I
come
up
against
the
conflict,
there
is
going
to
be
something
or
somebody
or
some
action
that's
going
to,
when
that
occurs,
everything
is
going
to
be
all
right
at
that
moment.
You
know,
you
go
get
older
in
life.
It's
if
I
can
have
that
woman
or
that
car
or
that
job.
But
then
for
me,
it
was
if
I
can
just
hold
a
drink
down,
they'll
think
I'm
a
man.
And
I
practiced
on
that
and
threw
up
and
practiced
the
trip
in
a
day
out
of
Pearl
Harbor.
I
took
this
drink
and
went,
yeah,
burned
my
throat
and
burned
my
stomach
and
stayed
down
and
it
just
tasted
terrible.
And
I
thought,
God,
if
I
could
only
pick
one
of
those
drinks
now
or
not
make
a
face,
they'll
think
I'm
a
man.
I
said
they'll
like
me.
And
I
kept
sitting
there
thinking
that
maybe
they'll
like
me.
And
as
that
whiskey
stayed
in
me
and
I
was
thinking
what
what
they
thought
the
1st
of
a
maybe
5000
miracles
that
alcohol
did
for
me
begin
that
moment.
My
stomach
got
warm.
My
fingers
tingled.
I
gained
about
6
inches
in
height.
My
pimples
fell
off.
I
felt
like
a
Viking
and
I
thought,
who
gives
a
God
damn
what
they
think?
And
then
I
got
sick
and
threw
up
and
it
all
went
away.
Yeah,
but
for
a
moment
in
time
and
space,
it
seemed
to
me
that
I
felt
the
way
other
people
looked.
And
I,
I
drank
from
MENA
and
I
didn't
drink
very
much.
And
I
for
a
while
I
drank
a
little.
I,
I
got
sick
a
lot,
but
I
tried
to
learn
to
drink
things
that
didn't
make
me
sick.
And
I
developed
some
degrees
of
tolerance
over
the
years.
But
I'll
tell
you
that
feeling
drinking
gave
me,
I
always
felt
was
enabled
me
to
do
whatever
I
could
do
in
my
life,
because
without
it,
I
didn't
seem
to
be
much.
And
later
in
the
war,
I
went
in
the
Navy
and
I
took
some
examinations
from
the
Armed
Forces
Institute,
the
correspondence
course,
remember
having
a
few
drinks
before
I
took
the
test.
And
that
gave
me
that
feeling
of
kind
of
omnipotence.
And
I
answered
them
all.
I
did
beautifully.
So
I
didn't
have
to
go
back
and
be
a
junior
in
high
school.
I
could
go
to
college
after
the
war.
And
I
went
to
college.
I
got
married
in
college.
I
had
a
couple
kids.
I
found
that
I
had
some
talented.
No,
I
hadn't.
I
had
excellent
coaching
over
a
period
of
time
and
I
became
National
Intercollegiate
Championship
team
without
editor
of
the
yearbook.
And
I
went
out
in
the
world
and
I
became
a
sports
writer
on
a
newspaper.
And
then
I
got
an
advertising
work
and
I
became
as
successful
as
I
wanted
to
be
and
I
had
more
kids
and
got
nice
homes
and
I
drank
all
this
time.
And
as
far
as
I
was
concerned,
drinking
is
what
made
it
possible.
Now,
don't
misunderstand
me.
I
had
problems
and
I
had
some
severe
problems,
I
felt,
but
they
were
not
problems
that
I
could
really
identify
other
people
as
having,
at
least
not
to
the
degree
I
had.
I
suppose
in
the
early
1950s
and
thereafter,
if
I
would
have
had
a
a
lie
detector
test
and
somebody
said
to
me
what
are
your
problems?
And
I
gave
them
what
I
consider
to
be
my
problems,
the
needle
wouldn't
move
them
an
inch.
If
I
would
have
said
something
like,
my
problem
seems
to
be
that
somehow
or
other
I
seem
to
be
more
sensitive
to
things
than
other
people
seem
to
be.
Another
problem
that
I
have
is
I
seem
to
be
too
easily
rejected.
I
can
sense
rejection
when
other
people
can't,
and
I
feel
rejected.
In
fact,
that's
one
of
the
great
things
drinking
did
for
me.
When
I'm
sober,
I
am
so
easily
rejected.
But
when
I
got
just
the
right
amount
of
alcohol
in
me
and
I
grew
up,
for
instance,
to
a
woman
and
say,
hey,
you
want
to
go
out
and
she
says
no,
I
feel
sorry
for
her.
Too
bad
baby,
you
missed
it.
Yes,
but
when
I'm
sober,
I
want
to
hang
myself.
There's
the
difference.
I
seem
to,
I
seem
to
sometimes,
you
know,
there's
a
feeling
there's
a
thing
in
athletics
where
they
talk
about
when
you're
under
pressure
and
you
kind
of
come
apart
under
pressure,
that's
called
choking.
Like
the
last
of
the
ninth
and
two
walking
up
to
bed
and
you
choke
and
they
call
3
strikes
on
you.
You
know,
they
talk
about
the
hand
coming
out
of
the
shirt.
And
I
had
a
little,
I
had
a
lot
of
choke
in
me
when
I
was
sober.
When
the
pressure
was
on,
I
choke
a
little
bit.
But
when
I
had
a
few
drinks,
it
eased
the
choke.
I
Another
problem
that
I
always
seem
to
have
is
I
didn't
quite
seem
to
fit
into
groups
the
way
other
people
did.
I
I
was
there
with
them,
but
I
never
seemed
to
be
able
to
sustain
that
feeling
of
fitting
in.
And
when
I
drank,
I
fit
in
and
that's
why
I
drank.
I
didn't
drink
because
I
had
a
drinking
problem.
I
drank
because
I
had
emotional
upsets
and
they
bothered
me
a
lot.
And
in
order
to
live
in
a
competitive
world
and
be
a
success,
you
got
to
have
self-confidence.
And
if
you
haven't
got
it,
take
a
few
drinks
and
by
God
you'll
have
it.
And
some
you
know
there
some
bad
things
happen
along
the
way.
Because
when
you're
sensitive
and
easily
rejected
and
intelligent,
sometimes
the
pressures
get
too
much
for
you
and
sometimes
you
misjudge
and
drink
too
much.
And
sometimes
I
got
drunk,
and
sometimes
I
had
to
get
drunk
to
unwind.
And
sometimes
I
want
to
have
some
fun
and
sometimes
I
got
to
mixed
up
with
bad
crowds
and
sometimes
I
just
had
pressures
on
and
sometimes
I
drank
too
much.
And
over
a
period
of
time,
a
lot
of
people
were
saying
things
like,
you
seem
to
have
a
drinking
problem.
And
I
thought
about
it
and
I
examined
it
and
I
stopped
drinking,
but
I
didn't
have
a
drinking
problem.
It
became,
I
became
rather
aware
of
that
my
problem
is
that
I'm
sensitive.
And
that's
something
you
can't
really
talk
about.
You
can
talk
about
it,
but
people
laugh
when
people
say,
hey,
what's
wrong
with
you?
You
can
say
I'm
too
sensitive.
You're
crazy
is
what
you
are.
I
used
to
used
to
laugh
and
think,
what
if
you
gave
answers
to
people
just
the
way
you
felt
here?
How
you
doing,
kid?
Oh,
I
have
a
secret
sense
of
inadequacy.
How
you
doing?
Oh,
I'm
afraid.
What
are
you
afraid
of?
Beat
the
shit
out
of
me.
Just
afraid.
I
don't
know
you
discover
quick
these
are
not
the
right
answers.
When
they
say
how
you
doing,
you
say
fine.
And
I
because
of
my
sensitivity
and
my
emotion
that
I
tried
to
keep
level
I,
I
went
to
analysis
for
a
while.
I
was
making
pretty
good
money.
I
got
into
analysis
and
I
discovered
a
great
many
things
that
made
me
that
way.
He
told
me
things
that
I
I
barely
remember
telling
him.
And
there's
only
one
thing
really.
I'm
not
putting
down
analysis.
It's
a
very
good
thing
for
many
people.
But
as
I
look
back,
I
spent
some
several
thousands
of
dollars
and
a
lot
of
time
with
an
analyst.
As
far
as
I
can
recall,
the
major
thrust
of
what
we
wound
up
with
is
that
life
has
its
ups
and
life
has
its
downs.
Yeah.
Wow,
That
was
good
to
know
and
I
knew
a
number
of
the
reasons
why
I
was
the
way
I
was.
According
to
him,
there's
only
one
thing
wrong
about
that
in
gaining
self
knowledge
of
what
makes
you
this
way.
It
doesn't
change
anything,
it
just
helps
you
describe
it
better.
It
keeps
on
going,
except
now
when
people
say
what
the
hell
is
wrong
with
you,
you
can
tell
them
it's
like
being
on
the
it's
like
being
on
the
deck
of
the
Titanic
and
you
hit
your
iceberg
and
everybody
else
jumps
into
a
boat
and
you
go
around
looking
to
see
exactly
what
happened.
And
by
the
time
you
find
out
you're
going
down.
You
know,
it
does
seem
to
make
you
whole
lot
of
differences
matter
how
much
you
know.
It
doesn't
help,
and
this
discouraged
me
because
I
figured
this
analyst
could
do
it.
And
then
I
got
into
some
I
start
getting
a
little
Moody
once
in
a
while
because
of
the
injustices
I
found
in
the
world.
That's
one
of
the
marks
of
the
young
dynamic
man.
You
cry
out
to
the
world.
Justice.
Give
me
justice,
Justice
for
all
mankind,
but
especially
me.
As
you
get
older
and
wiser,
you
begin
to
realize
that's
the
last
God
damn
thing
you
want.
You
know?
The
cry
becomes
mercy.
Mercy
for
God's
sakes.
Maybe
I
have
a
relative
working
there,
you
know,
But
when
you're
young
and
you
think
justice
is
going
to
make
it
and
there's
a
lot
of
injustice
in
the
world,
that
can't
be
changed.
It
can't
be
changed
when
you
want
it
to
change.
And
I
got
Moody
sometimes,
and
sometimes
I
got
Moody.
And
when
my
moodiness
and
my
upsets
and
drinking
too
much
all
came
together
at
once,
strange
things
happen
from
time
to
time.
Not
the
fall
of
the
drinking
fall
of
being
surrounded
by
idiots.
Like,
for
instance,
in
the
summer
of
1954,
I
was
working
in
a
big
advertising
agency
in
the
Midwest,
and
I
had
just
won
an
award
from
the
Junior
Chamber
of
Commerce
as
being
one
of
their
Men
of
the
Year.
And
I
had
won
a
plaque
for
my
writing.
And
I
had
a
home
and
a
couple
kids.
And
this
was
in
July
of
1954.
Unfortunately,
one
of
my
moods
was
just
overtaken
me,
plus
one
of
my
drinking
bouts,
plus
one
of
my
sensitivities,
and
by
December
of
1954
I
was
playing
piano
in
a
whore
house
in
San
Francisco.
Well
I'm
not
putting
this
down
but
I'll
tell
you
this,
it's
hard
to
work
into
your
resume
later.
That's
why
a
lot
of
people
like
me
have
big
areas
in
their
resume
that
say
self-employed
consultant.
Well,
I
wasn't
there
too
long,
couple
months
and
I
I
wanted
to
do
better.
That
was
the
other
thing
I
was
going
to
mention.
That's
always
been
one
of
the
great
problems
in
my
life.
I
was
raised
to
be
a
good
guy
and
that's
all
I've
ever
really
wanted
to
be.
If
I
could
ever
be
anything,
I'd
be
a
straight
arrow.
Just
Sam,
straight
arrow
boy.
Good
guy,
nice
guy,
easy
going,
dynamic,
but
primarily
good
because
good
is
good.
And
in
my
life
I've
noticed,
and
it
always
was.
It's
been
a
terrible
thing
for
me,
especially
in
those
years.
The
longer
I
see
when
I
stay
good,
the
longer
I
stay
good.
There's
a
growing
need
to
be
bad
and
you
work
on
it
and
the
more
you
stay
the
better
you
get
the
worse
you
want
to
be
till
one
day.
Now
that
isn't
so
bad
either
because
I've
been
some
pretty
bad
my
day
and
I
don't
mind
being
bad.
I
wasn't
trained
for
it
by
adjusted.
Well,
now
I
don't
mind
being
bad,
but
the
damnedest
thing
is
the
longer
I'm
bad,
there's
a
growing
part
of
me
that
wants
to
be
good.
So
you
and
you're
good,
you
want
to
be
bad.
And
when
you're
bad,
you
want
to
be
good.
And
there's
nothing,
there's
no
word.
There's
no
place
to
rest.
There's
a,
you
know,
I,
I
think
of
this,
no
one
puts
it
any
better
that
I
know
of
than
Chuck
C
from
Laguna
B,
who
talks
about
the
prodigal
son,
how
it
applies
to
AAS
and
Alcoholics,
about
this
man
living
with
the
husks
and
the
swine
and
he's
broken.
And
his
father,
the
Lord
says,
come
home
and
be
the
son
of
the
Lord.
And
the
man
is
sore
afraid.
But
they
bathed
him,
and
anointest
him
with
oil,
and
clothe
him
in
shining
arraignment.
We
Lutherans
know
those
phrases.
And
he
came
home
and
they
killed
the
fatted
calf,
and
he
was
still
afraid,
but
by
the
time
he
got
done
eating,
his
brothers
were
there
and
everybody
was
happy
ever
after.
Now
I
know
that
happens
because
that's
happened
to
me
several
times.
And
the
curse
of
my
life
is
not
that.
The
curse
of
my
life
is
when
we
get
done
with
a
fatted
calf,
I
hear
them
hog
saying
we
got
a
new
ship
and
husks
in,
come
on
over,
it's
just
back
in.
So
I
wanted
to
get
out
of
San
Francisco
and
I'd
stuck
my
wife
and
I
guess
then
my
wife
and
kids
were
up
on
a
farm
up
in
her
parents
farm
in
Wisconsin.
And
I,
I
ran
across
a
guide
in
the
Navy
with
and
he's
going
to
go
to
El
Paso.
And
I
have
never
been
to
El
Paso.
And
I
thought
it
would
be
a
good
time
to
get
a
start
in.
So
he
and
I
hitchhiked
El
Paso
and
a
few
days
after
I
was
there
I
got
a
job
in
the
El
Paso
Times
as
reporter
and
Sharkey.
Thereafter
I
got
a
job
in
a
local
advertising
agency
and
I
got
my
family
and
brought
him
to
town.
And
that
was
I
got
there
in
January
of
1954.
By
May
of
1956,
a
year
and
a
half
later,
I
just
hitchhiked
into
my
shirt
sleeves.
I
was
working
day
times
and
advertising
agency
at
the
night.
I
was
on
the
faculty
of
the
University
of
Texas
at
El
Paso,
and
I
was
writing
a
weekly
column
for
the
El
Paso
Times.
Now,
that
isn't
bad
for
a
guy
hitchhiking
into
town.
Unfortunately,
however,
about
this
time
one
of
my
moods
seemed
to
take
me
and
I
had
some
bad
breaks
and
there's
a
great
deal
of
pressure.
And
the
next
month
I
happen
to
be
put
into
the
Texas
Insane
Asylum
at
Big
Spring,
TX.
That's
another
resume
Buster,
baby.
I'll
tell
you.
And
I,
I
was
put
in
there,
I'm
happy
to
say,
not
as
an
alcoholic,
because
I
never
was
an
alcoholic.
I
was
put
in
there
as
a
suicidal
schizoid
depressive
because
I
tried
to
commit
suicide.
Well,
when
you're
sensitive,
you
do
these
things
and
I,
I
really
was
feeling
kind
of
punk,
except
after
I
got
there
I
was
feeling
kind
of
punk
and
I
said
you
better
not
try
to
escape
because
this
is
an
escape
proof
institution.
And
that's
all
I
need
to
hear.
I
had
a
challenge
at
last
and
it
took
me
two
weeks
to
get
out
of
that
nut
house,
to
find
a
way
to
get
through
a
door,
down
a
corridor,
through
another
door,
across
the
yard
and
over
the
fence.
And
the
fox
was
loose.
And
the
trouble
is
you
don't,
you
don't
realize
to
go
over
that
last
fence
that
what
they
say
is
true.
It's
an
escape
proof
institution.
But
you
don't
know
until
you
get
out.
I
don't
know
if
you've
ever
been
to
West,
TX,
but
you
suddenly
realize
they
can
see
you're
running
for
three
days
in
any
direction
and
you
feel
like
such
a
dummy
in
your
white
bathrobe.
Just
it's
just
a
matter
of
time
to
lose.
Field
glasses
pick
you
up
while
there
goes
that
little
Yankee
son
of
a
bitch
now.
And
they
snatched
me
back
and
they
gave
me
3
months
of
electric
shock
treatments
for
that
and
I
never
tried
to
run
anymore.
Fact
after
three
months
of
electric
shock
you
just
has
48
electric
shock
speed.
The
bridge
is
the
maximum
you
get
in
the
state
of
Texas.
Took
me
3
weeks
to
get
my
name
you
know,
and
by
Christmas
I'd
come
to
some
degree
of.
I
think
about
that
recently.
You
know,
they
had
seen
on
my
record
in
May
of
1956,
I'd
been
on
the
faculty
at
the
University
of
Texas
to
El
Paso
at
night
doing
the
dramatic
direction
and
staging
for
the
grand
opera
Mephistopoli.
That
was
my
job.
And
so
the
following
Christmas
they
allowed,
as
part
of
my
therapy,
they
allowed
me
to
direct
the
Christmas
pageant
in
that
house.
I
was
a
little
groggy
from
everything,
but
it
was
about
a
second
grade
level,
so
the
entire
student
body
could
get
each
nuance
of
the
performance.
The
director's
main
job,
as
I
recall,
was
trying
to
keep
the
three
wise
men
off
the
Virgin
Mary.
Who
got
the
curtain
open?
You
know,
I
just
want
a
worshipper
get
back.
Lamar,
Jean
and
I,
I
started
the
hospital
newspaper
in
the
spring
and
I
had
a
hell
of
a
time
getting
out
of
there
because
I,
I
was
in
there.
I
was
supposed
to
stay
in
there
till
I
got
well
and
man,
I
if
I
hadn't
found
a
way
around
that,
I
might
have
had
to
call
in
my
talk
tonight
because
there
was
number
getting
well.
And
I
I
finally
beat
my
way
out
of
there
because
they
started
an
alcoholic
ward
and
I
laid
some
story
that
I
was
thought
I
was
an
alcoholic
and
I
had
been
going
to
a
a
I
had
been
going
to
a,
a
meetings
off
and
on
for
six
years.
By
that
time,
six
or
seven
years,
because
when
people
thought
I
had
a
drinking
problem,
I
went
to
a
a
meeting
because
there's
no
sense
trying
to
explain
to
him
I
don't
have
a
drinking
problem
because
all
they
can
see
and
smell
is
what's
on
the
outside.
They
can't
see
the
inside
so
they
think
it's
a
drinking
problem.
So
I
wasn't
getting
all
the
a,
a
crap
I'd
ever
heard.
And
I
finally
got
that
nun
house
and
I
was
ready
to
reform
again.
Boy,
I'll
tell
you.
And
some
people
thought
I'd
reformed
and
really
changed
my
act
and
I
thought
I
had.
And
a
few
months
later,
I
was
in
Dallas
working
for
Tracy
Locke,
the
largest
advertising
agency
in
the
southern
United
States,
writing
ads
that
you
have
to
be
old
to
remember
them.
Young
people
won't
remember
them,
but
they
were
famous
in
their
day.
All
these
cows
talking
to
one
another
about
the
board
and
products.
There
was
Elsie
and
Elmer
and
the
Twins
and
Beaure.
Hideous
goddamn
group.
And
I
had
a
home
in
Highland
Park,
which
is
the
nice
suburb
north
of
Dallas.
And
I
drove
every
morning.
And
my
Buick
convertible
that
I
just
bought
on
time
down
to
this
down
Turtle
Creek
Park
into
Dallas.
And
I
won
an
award
after
I'd
been
there
just
three
months
and
everything
was
fine.
Had
our
fourth
child
born,
another
daughter
born,
had
four
little
girls
and
I
really
had
it
going.
Unfortunately,
however,
one
of
my
moods
combined
with
one
of
my
drinking
bouts
and
shortly
thereafter
I
woke
up
one
morning
and
I
wasn't
in
Dallas.
I
was
in
the
Phoenix
Drunk
tank,
and
the
guy
had
just
taken
his
boots
and
kicked
my
front
teeth
on
my
truck.
And
fortunately
for
me,
I'd
been
in
psychoanalysis
some
years
before
and
I
was
able
to
identify
his
problem.
Yeah,
I
thought
I
was
going
to
say,
but
I
forgot.
You're
overreacting.
And
as
I
laid
there,
I
happened
to
think
that
the
reason
I
was
there
is
because
my
wife.
I
got
fired
off
my
job.
I
got
fired
off
my
job
for
drunken
moodiness
and
abuse
of
my
employer
and
my
wife
finally
got
discouraged
after
all
these
years
and
took
four
kids
and
moved
to
a
post
office
box.
I
don't
know
how
they
got
in
there,
but
that's
what
their
address
was.
Of
course,
most
of
the
kids
were
small,
like,
you
know,
and
somewhere
between
Dallas
and
Phoenix,
I'd
lost
my
clothes
and
I
had
to
stay
out
of
Texas.
I
couldn't
go
back
and
look
because
I
was
out
on
the
nut
house
on
probation
to
my
wife
and
I
knew
she
must
have
blown
the
whistle
on
me
because
she
always
was
vicious
and
I
really
just
didn't
feel
good.
Is
about
August
in
August
in
Phoenix,
is
not
comfortable.
Is
about
115
on
the
street
and
there's
135
on
the
third
story,
the
jail
there.
And
I
didn't
know
I
was
going
to
get
out
of
jail.
I
only
knew
one
guy
in
Phoenix,
the
vice
president
in
charge
of
public
relations
for
the
Valley
National
Banks
of
Arizona,
because
he
and
I
had
spoken
together
in
a
a
convention
on
concepts
of
advertising.
And
I
just
didn't
feel
like
calling
him,
really.
They
had
no
front
teeth
and
I
had
a
T-shirt
with
vomit
on
it
and
some
pants
and
some
tennis.
I
don't
know
where
the
hell
I
got
them.
So
they
kicked
me
out
the
next
morning
and
I,
I
didn't
know
what
to
do.
I,
I
knew
if
I
stood
in
the
street
corner
I'd
get
bagged
with
you
being
arrested
for
vagrancy.
I'd
been
in
jail
32
times
by
then,
and
I
knew
how
to
go
to
jail.
I
mean
mostly
for
bizarre
sensitivity.
So
I
took
AI,
looked
up
AA
in
the
phone
book,
and
there
was
a
place
called
the
Arid
Club
on
N
3rd
St.
and
I
sashayed
over
there,
tried
to
look
like
an
eccentric
millionaire.
And
I
went
in
there
and
sat
around
and
thought
I
could
hustle
some
money
off
these
boob
Alcoholics.
And
I
hit
some
old
lady
for
a
few
bucks
and
if
you're
going
to
help
the
nice
young
man.
And
I
got
her
for
what
she
had
in
her
purse.
She
was
so
easy.
I
almost
sent
her
home
for
more.
I
almost
did.
But
I
I
thought
she'll
talk
to
somebody
will
be
my
butt.
So
I,
I
got
out
of
there.
My
next
move
now
is
going
to
go
to
Seattle.
I've
never
been
in
Seattle.
I
was
going
to
reform,
start
over,
get
back
to
the
Lutheran
Church,
shape
up,
send
money
to
my
children
if
I
could
get
it
to
them
somehow
that
my
wife
seeing
it
take
right
to
my
father
and
mother.
Wisconsin
someday,
come
back
to
Eau
Claire,
WI
to
success.
If
I
could
just
get
to
Seattle
and
I
got
as
far
as
Los
Angeles
and
I
got
screwed,
I
couldn't
get
out
of
that
stinking
town
as
the
first
time
I've
ever
been
in
that
you
can't
walk
to
the
city
limits.
You
got
to
get
a
score
to
get
to
the
city
limits.
And
I
went
out
to
the
AA
club,
said
something
called
the
6300
club,
even
though
I
wasn't
an
alcoholic
because
looking
the
way
I
did,
I
couldn't
go
to
the
Junior
Chamber
of
Commerce
and
say
I
used
to
be
man
of
the
year.
You
know,
you
can't
really
go
to
the
Masonic
Temple
and
say
here
I
am
baby,
you
can
always
go
to
an
A
A
club
because
them
boobs
think
your
problem
is
drinking.
And
I
can
talk
about
drinking,
but
what
they
didn't
have
never
understood
is
my
problem
was
much
deeper
than
drinking.
And
I
hung
around
the
A
club
for
a
while.
I
was
really
quite
desperate.
I
got
banned
out
of
the
a
A
club
sober
for
stealing
the
coffee
Kitty
money.
Well,
when
you're
sensitive,
you've
got
to
live.
And
I,
I
went
down
the
beach
and
hung
around
there
and
I
went
back
down
town
and
I
wound
up
remember
going
on
Skid
Row
and
thinking
someday
I
must
write
a
book
about
this.
This
is
an
interesting
thing.
And
one
day
I
really,
I'm
not
going
to
write
a
book.
I'm
living
in
an
all
night
theater.
I'm
peddling
handbills.
I'm
selling
blood
for
$4.00
a
pint
on
E
4th
Street.
I'm
stealing.
I'm
banned
from
the
A
a
club
even
if
I
was
an
alcoholic,
which
I'm
not,
and
all
I
have
ever
wanted
to
be
was
a
good
guy
and
I
don't
even
know
what
the
Hell's
wrong
with
me.
Maybe
that
curse
of
that
Lutheran
God
has
gotten
me.
Maybe
that's
exactly
what
happened.
Remember
1
morning
I
learned
to
sell
a
pint
of
blood
for
$4.00
and
they
took
that
drop
out
of
my
ear
and
they
decided
the
iron
content
and
my
blood
was
no
longer
high
enough
for
Skid
Row
blood
selling.
And
it
suddenly
struck
me.
I'm
dying
and
there's
not
a
damn
thing
I
can
do
about
it.
If
I
had
only
got
to
Seattle
and
that
morning
I
figured
I
knew
I
had
to
get
off
the
street
so
I
better
go
out
to
the
I
went
to
the
a
a
club
again,
even
though
I
was
banned.
That's
called
the
6300
club
because
there's
6300
W
and
I
started
500
E
and
I
walked
68
blocks.
Sick
and
desperate
and
just
crazy.
Wanted
in
one
state
to
go
to
the
nut
house.
32
arrests,
voluntary
commitment,
the
VA
after
the
war
for
my
sensitivities
and
nervousness,
just
knowing
there's
no
help
for
me.
And
I
got
up
at
a
a
club
and
the
guy
says
you
can't
come
in,
your
name's
on
the
list.
And
I
says,
for
Christ's
sake,
I'm
going
to
die
on
the
street.
And
he
says
I
can't
help,
but
you
can't
come
in.
I
said
I
guess
I
had
a
slip
and
he
said
you
can't
come
in
and
I
just
stood
there,
you
got
to
let
me
hear
but
cried.
That
weighed
108
lbs
less
than
I
weighed
and
I
went
away
to
see
no
teeth.
Dying,
Dying
and
punishes,
you
know,
he
says.
You
are
the
phoniest
little
son
of
a
bitch
I've
ever
seen.
He's
But
I
don't
want
you
hanging
around
our
door.
Go
in
the
backroom
and
shut
the
door
and
don't
let
anybody
know
I
let
you
in.
So
I
went
back
there
and
threw
up
on
their
sofa
and
thought,
if
I
can
just
get
to
Seattle,
I'll
get
us
some
one
of
these
dumb
sponsors
and
I'll
take
his
money.
Or
if
necessary
I'll
hit
somebody
over
the
head
or
I'll
stay.
I'll
hide
myself
in
this
club
and
knock
over
there
till
at
night.
I
don't
want
to
be
like
this.
I
want
to
be
a
good
man.
But
I
got
I'm
going
to
die.
And
I
lay
on
that
sofa
and
that
vomit
and
I,
I
have
no
intuition
or
no
insight
or
no
idea,
not
the
slightest
idea
that
that
would
be
my
sobriety
date.
But
it
was
much
to
my
surprise,
and
now
it's
been
something
over
17
years
since
that
morning
I
had
my
10th
birthday.
When
you
had
your
entrance
to
a
A
in
October
of
1958,
that
was
and
I
here
I
am
now.
Tonight
I've
come
here
kind
of
an
old
timer
come
here.
Tremendous
expense
and
no
little
inconvenience
to
talk
to
you.
Newer
people
can
ask
you
this
question.
Why
can't
you
accept
this
program
sincerely
the
way
we
did
in
the
old
days?
That's
a
long
time
to
go
without
a
drink.
17
years
and
some
and
I
haven't
had
any
medications,
any
pills
for
my
emotions,
some
areas
that
just
seems
terrible.
I
haven't
little
groups
of
a
round
a
A.
From
time
to
time
three
or
four
boobs
get
together.
They
say
hey
baby
Book
doesn't
mention
pot.
Haven't
had
any
of
that.
I
by
the
time
I
think
about
it,
those
guys
are
gone.
But
the
answer
to
that
book
doesn't
mention
pie.
I
guess
you
could
say
no
the
book,
but
the
book
mentions
jerks
like
you.
Why
don't
you
screw
off?
I
haven't
had
anything
stronger
in
my
body
than
an
aspirin,
except
once
briefly
other
medical
thing
on
my
teeth
since
1958.
And
the
best
psychiatrist
I
ever
had
told
me
that
sooner
or
later
I
must
always
have
some
degree
of
tranquilizing
or
sedating
drugs
because
of
the
intensities
of
my
emotions.
He
told
me
that
in
the
early
1950s,
and
I
haven't
had
anything
any
of
it
for
17
years.
And
what's
even
more
amazing,
I
have
had
no
therapy
except
that
which
is
found
in
Alcoholics
Anonymous
since
October
of
1958.
I
haven't
even
been
privileged.
I
got
an
A
A
too
early
before
I
realized
it
needed
special
help
to
stay
sober
and
I
makes
a
nice
story
and
you
can
see
now
I
don't
weigh
108
lbs.
I
have
a
wonderful
smile.
Should
be
It
cost
me
a
lot.
I
I'm
well
dressed,
I
got
a
couple
bucks
in
my
pocket
and
I
could
spend
the
rest
of
the
meeting
telling
you
how
wonderful
it's
all
been.
But,
you
know,
that's
one
of
the
sad
things
sometimes
about
a
A
is
that
we
talk
about
how
bad
it
was
and
then
we
talk
about
how
good
it
is.
And
sometimes
we
forget
to
give
one
another
the
benefit
of
our
experience,
of
how
you
get
from
one
to
the
other.
It's
easier
that
it
was
terrible.
Now
it's
wonderful
what
happened.
Don't
analyze.
Utilize.
Yeah.
And
I
think
I'd
like
to
take
a
few
minutes
tonight.
I
might
stay
here
a
long
time.
It's
cold
outside.
I'm
not
used
to
it,
but
I
take
a
few
minutes,
if
I
may,
to
tell
you
a
little
bit
of
what
happened
to
me
or
what
what
changed
my
life.
Let
me
say
this,
the
most
important
thing
that
I
told
you
tonight.
I
said
when
I
first
got
up
here
and
we
take
it
for
granted,
but
this
was
the
most
difficult
thing
for
me
to
accept
in
my
life.
When
I
said
my
name
is
Clancy
Emmisland
and
I
am
an
alcoholic
because
I
would
have
bet
my
life
and
did
that
I
was
not
really
an
alcoholic
or
if
I
was
some
kind
of
an
alcoholic,
I
was
a
special
alcoholic
with
different
emotional
problems.
As
this
book
mentions,
I
what
I
was
new
in
the
1950s,
they
used
to
say
a
lot
of
things
like,
well,
no
matter
how
things
look
to
you,
if
you
keep
bona
meetings
and
stay
sober,
how
these
things
look
to
you
will
change.
And
I
really,
you
can't
change
facts.
These
things
are,
you
can't
change
them.
These
memories,
these
sadnesses,
these
emotions.
And
I'll
tell
you
over
the
years,
it's
true.
Nothing
really
changed
in
the
past.
The
same
emotions
that
used
to
kill
me
when
I
look
at
them
differently
are
a
long
way
from
killing
me.
The
same
things
that
what
might
have
been
that
used
to
kill
me
don't
kill
me.
The
same
if
onlys
that
used
to
eat
me
up
don't
eat
me
up.
Just
about
everything
in
my
life
that
I
look
at
looks
different
to
me.
The
same
facts
look
different
to
me.
It's
a
change
of
perspective.
A
A
does
not
change
facts.
It
turns
out
it
changed
your
perspective,
so
you
see
them
realistically
or
seem
as
they
are.
There's
only
one
thing
that
I
had
trouble
with.
I
couldn't
see
how
I
was
going
to
change
the
one
great
problem,
because
in
my
heart
of
hearts,
I
really
knew
as
well
as
I
knew
anything.
But
my
problem
really
isn't
alcohol
at
the
bottom.
Alcoholics
are
people
whose
problem
is
alcohol.
I
have
other
things
that
these
people
can't
even
understand,
and
oddly
enough,
over
the
years
that
is
the
only
feeling
I
have
never
have
to
change.
In
fact,
tonight
I
am
more
convinced
that
I
was
in
1958,
that
my
problem
is
not
and
never
has
been
alcohol.
What
do
you
think
of
that?
Now
that
sounds
a
little
heretical,
doesn't
it?
But
I'll
take
it
a
step
further.
We
all,
we
are
entitled
to
speak
our
own
opinions
here.
And
since
I'm
speaking,
I'll
give
you
my
opinion.
You
can
leave
your
opinion
in
the
Hollow
tree.
I'll
read
it
tomorrow
morning.
In
my
opinion,
if
your
problem
is
alcohol,
you're
in
the
wrong
place
and
you
shouldn't
be
here
now.
How
does
that
grab
you?
Sounds
dreadful
lesson,
but
I
want
you
to.
I'll
explain
that
to
you
for
a
minute
because
my
life
was
changed
when
I
begin
to
understand
that
you'd
be
in
the
If
your
problem
is
alcohol,
you're
in
the
wrong
place
for
two
reasons.
1A
A
has
no
treatment
for
people
with
the
drinking
problem.
Two,
if
you
have
a
problem
with
alcohol,
you
don't
need
treatment.
Now
that
really
sounds
getting
weird,
but
I'll
tell
you
something.
If
your
problem
is
alcohol,
and
if
most
if
your
life
is
pretty
alright
except
when
you
drink,
and
then
drinking
causes
you
a
great
deal
of
problems,
I'm
going
to
give
you
an
answer
to
that
problem
so
you
never
have
to
go
to
another
meeting.
As
long
as
you
live,
don't
drink.
That's
all
there
is
to
it
baby.
If
you
got
a
problem,
if
your
life
is
OK
except
for
alcohol,
don't
drink
alcohol.
You
know,
if
you
loved
orange
juice
and
drank
2
glasses
every
morning
and
finally
over
a
period
of
years
it
became
toxic
to
your
sister
in
terms
of
a
glass
of
orange
juice,
your
nose
fell
off
and
you
went
to
a
doctor
and
say,
hey,
my
nose
falls
off.
He
says
it's
your
orange
juice.
Can't
be.
I've
been
drinking
every
day
for
30
years,
can't
help
but
you
can't
drink
it
anymore.
You
might
drink
one
more
glass
just
to
make
sure,
but
you
wouldn't
drink
any
more
orange
juice.
You
don't
have
to
get
a
sponsor.
You
don't
have
to
call
up
people
in
the
middle
of
the
night
and
say,
could
I
just
lick
a
skin?
You
just
don't
break
it.
If
your
problem
is
alcohol,
baby,
don't
drink
it.
Maybe
you
think
your
problem
is,
well,
real
Alcoholics
don't
get
sober.
If
I
could
just
get
sober
for
a
while,
I'd
be
all
right.
I'll
tell
you
a
funny
thing.
A
lot
of
people
think
Alcoholics
are
people
who
drink
all
the
time
and
stay
drunk
all
the
time.
I
used
to
think
that
even
after
I
was
sober,
by
the
time
I
was
sober
about
five
years,
I
was
director
of
publications
for
a
large
medical
corporation
in
Los
Angeles.
And
I
wasn't.
We
were
doing
some
work
on
cancer
but
I
stumbled
on
something
else
in
a
different
area
talking
about
alcohol
and
I
didn't
know
this
physical
fact
but
I'll
guarantee
it's
true.
No
human
body
can
stay
intoxicated
14
straight
days
and
nights.
You
can't
stay
drunk.
That's
the
worst
part
about
being
a
drinker.
You
can't
stay
drunk.
If
you
could
stay
drunk,
we'd
have
a
much
smaller
membership
on
a
A.
It
seems
to
me
you'd
have
a
different
speaker
tonight.
I
might
still
be
dancing
on
the
bar
in
Juarez
singing
Yo
Soy
El
Maestro
de
Los
Locoste.
It's
just
that
God
damn
sobering
up
in
the
Juarez
jail
all
the
time
that
you're
dressed
but
you
can't
stay
drunk.
It
isn't
that
you
don't
want
to
stay
drunk,
but
you
can't.
Your
body
won't
let
you.
Now
Isn't
that
ridiculous?
They
tell
you
your
body
wants
more
alcohol,
and
it
does
until
it
gets
to
a
danger
point
and
then
it
won't
let
you
drink
anymore.
Your
body
will
set
up
to
protect
itself.
Your
body
will
set
up
actions
to
prevent
you
from
drinking,
as
we
in
medicine
say.
When
the
body
is
sufficiently
toxified
through
the
induction
of
a
substance
such
as
alcohol,
we'll
set
up
a
series
of
involuntary
physiological
condition
reflexes
to
reduce
toxicity
by
inducing
a
procedure
called
reverse
peristalsis.
Or
in
our
circle,
we
call
that
puking.
I
bet
there
aren't
very
many
people
here
who
haven't
knelt
in
front
of
the
old
porcelain
altar
in
the
morning,
gazed
into
those
shimmering
waters,
said
your
morning
prayer.
Oh
God,
you
hardly
ever
stop
and
think
your
body's
really
helping
you
stop
reducing
toxicity.
Some
mornings
when
you're
really
sick,
your
body
will
do
something
even
more
impressive.
It
will
remove
alcohol
from
both
ends
at
once.
Now
that's
very
good
for
your
body,
but
it's
terrible
on
your
nerves
actually,
because
not
only
are
you
terribly
sick,
but
you're
called
upon
to
make
a
series
of
split
second
decisions,
and
every
answer
must
be
correct.
And
if
you
guess
wrong
just
once,
now
you
have
another
problem
by
the
time
you
get
that
sick.
Usually
if
you
have
any
loved
ones
left
or
outside
of
the
bathroom
door
encouraging
you,
saying
things
like
good
enough
fire
you
son
of
a
bitch.
But
all
the
patient
can
do
say
if
I
lived
through
this,
you
won't.
But
your
body
has
techniques.
It
makes
you
pass
out.
The
pass
out
is
so
you
cannot
add
any
more
alcohol
to
your
system.
You
sweat
it
out,
the
body
will
always
get
the
alcohol
level
in
your
blood
below
intoxication.
It'll
do
it
every
time
you
drink.
And
sometimes
people
think
the
point
of
A
is
to
get
sober.
There
isn't
a
person
in
this
room
who
hasn't
been
sober
again
and
again
and
again
and
again.
And
if
we
all
would
get
drunk
after
this
meeting
tonight,
those
of
us
that
survived
this
drunk
would
get
sober.
You
never
have
to
go
to
another
A
A
meeting,
never
have
to
hear
the
letters
A
A.
You'll
get
sober
again
and
again
and
again
and
again.
And
yet
there
still
are
people
in
a
A
who
try
to
tell
newcomers
we
are
here
to
get
sober.
If
your
problem
is
drinking,
you
don't
need
help.
Just
don't
drink,
you
won't
have
any
more
problems.
I
just
can't
understand
these
speakers.
I
hear
sometimes
you
say
it's
just
wonderful.
All
the
time
in
my
life,
except
when
I
drank.
Then
I
just
went
crazy.
But
when
I'm
sober,
everything
is
wonderful.
And
he
keeps
saying,
well
what
the
hell
you
drink
for,
you
dummy?
Christ,
if
I
had
a
wonderful,
I
wouldn't
drink.
I'm
sensitive.
I'd
love
it
the
you
got
to
be
careful.
But
there
is
something
wrong
with
us
and
a
lot
of
people
die
every
year
that
have
been
to
AA
because
they
keep
thinking
it's
alcohol.
And
occasionally
in
a
a
some
old
curmudgeon
will
tell
them
it
is
alcohol,
but
I'll
tell
you
it
isn't.
It's
something
that
sounds
like
alcohol
and
people
get
mistaken
for
alcohol,
but
it
isn't
alcohol.
It's
something
called
alcoholism,
and
the
difference
between
alcohol
and
alcoholism
is
just
the
difference
between
living
and
dying,
comfort
and
agony.
It's
just
the
difference
because
it
boils
down
to
this.
And
you,
I
hope
if
you're
new,
you
might
contemplate
this
and
remember
this
when,
if
your
problem
is
alcohol,
when
you
get
sober,
you
recover.
You
are
as
recovered
as
you
will
ever
be
for
the
ever
in
the
disease
of
alcoholism,
which
is
partially
an
alcohol
problem.
When
you
get
sober,
you
look
to
everyone
and
to
yourself
as
though
you've
recovered,
but
you
haven't
recovered
because
an
alcoholism,
the
other
side
of
it
is
what
kills
Alcoholics.
It's
because
then
you
go
underneath,
you
go
underground,
you
get
into
areas
of
emotions
that
sooner
or
later
in
the
alcoholic
force
him
to
have
to
drink
again
next
time.
Sooner
or
later
that
the
difference
between
being
sober
and
recovering
and
being
sober.
Getting
into
emotions
that
make
you
drink,
that
make
you
drink
when
it
gets
over.
That's
called
alcoholism.
That
is
what
alcoholism
is.
And
most
people
who
die
from
alcoholism
die
waving
1
flag.
But
damn
it,
I'm
not
an
alcoholic.
I've
been
sober
a
lot
or
I'm
not
an
alcoholic.
I
haven't
been
on
Skid
Row.
Hard
to
remember.
97%
of
people
who
die
from
alcoholism
never
been
on
Skid
Row.
About
50%
of
people
who
die
from
alcoholism
have
never
been
in
jail.
Because
what
they
got
doesn't
look
like
what
they
think
it
is.
And
it'd
be
kind
of
funny
if
it
weren't
so
lethal.
And
that's
kind
of
what
you
got
to
remember.
Now
the
question
is,
well,
if
you
just
straighten
out
these
emotions,
you
should
be
all
right.
Maybe
you,
you
know,
And
that's
why
most
people
like
us,
have
a
long
history
of
looking
for
answers,
whether
it's
TA
or
TM
or
Esther,
metaphysics
or
whatever
it
might
be,
anything.
Just
give
me
some
peace
for
Christ's
sake,
and
I'll
be
all
right.
Now
let
me
just
take
a
minute
to
explain
these
funny
alcoholic
emotions.
It
you
still
got
to
start
with
this
premise.
If
alcohol
doesn't
do
something
for
you,
it
will
never
do
anything
to
you.
Alcohol
has
to
do
something
for
you
before
it
can
hurt
you.
Nobody
ever
rigged
out
on
Pepsi
or
Coke
I
made.
But
alcohol
has
got
to
do
something
for
you
now.
What
do
you
mean?
What
has
it
got
to
do
for
you?
What
it's
got
to
do
for
you
is
something
that
the
patient
just
takes
for
granted.
He
doesn't
realize
that
there's
only
six
or
seven
out
of
every
hundred
drinkers
that
alcohol
does
something
for
significantly,
You
know,
I
know
what
I
drink
to.
In
the
last
analysis,
you
could
say
that
Alcoholics
drink
to
adjust
their
relationship
to
their
environment.
Now
a
lot
of
people
like
us.
I
remember
sitting
in
bars
having
martini
with
guys
from
work
and
they'd
have
1/2
of
one
and
go
home
and
I'd
have
two
or
three
and
sometimes
more.
And
what
that
proved
to
me,
they
didn't
have
the
troubles
I
had.
I
didn't
realize
martinis
didn't
do
for
them
what
it
did
for
me.
It
didn't
adjust
their
attitude
to
their
environment.
You
know,
it's,
in
fact,
it's
a
kind
of
a
funny
thing
in
a
a
you
hear
people
say
I'm
a
social
drinker.
Maybe
I'm
just
a
social
drinker.
Why
can't
I
be
a
social
drinker?
Would
you
really
want
to
be
a
social
drinker?
Really,
would
you
want
to
be
one
of
those
people
who
just
drinking
doesn't
do
it
for?
Can
you
imagine
how
terrible
it
must
be
to
be
a
social
drinker?
Have
your
back
to
the
wall,
the
hounds
of
fate
leaping
at
your
throat.
And
you
take
a
drink
and
he
goes.
And
now
you've
got
all
the
problems
you
had
before,
except
you're
getting
dizzy.
And
you
hear
those
poor
people
say,
Oh
no
more
for
me.
I'm
starting
to
feel
it,
dummies.
Is
that
what
you
want
out
of
your
life?
Can
you
imagine
that
93%
of
people
who
drink
never
experience
what
everybody
tonight
takes
for
granted?
When
you're
backs
to
the
wall
and
the
hounds
are
at
your
throat
again
and
it
doesn't
go,
it
goes
boomerangs
and
then.
Come
on
you
household
finance,
son
of
a
bitch,
I'm
ready
for
you.
That
has
changed.
No
facts,
but
it's
changed
my
perspective.
In
fact,
we
just
can't.
I
just
thought
about
a
couple
weeks
ago
talking
to
a
couple
of
my
babies
about
that.
If
you
want
to
see
really
something
sad,
see
Amateur
drunks.
Don't
see
him
if
you
want,
if
you
can.
But
the
worst
night
of
the
year
is
New
Year's
Eve.
All
them
amateurs
are
out
there
drinking,
and
they
don't
know
nothing
about
being
drunk.
And
when
they
get
drunk,
they're
a
mess.
I
bet
there
isn't
an
alcoholic
in
this
room
who
doesn't
have
at
least
10
or
15
seconds
from
experience
knowing
they're
going
to
throw
up.
You
know,
you
pardon
me
just
a
minute.
Them
dummies
don't
recognize
the
signs.
You'd
be
talking
to
one
of
them
and
you
go.
They
don't
know
when
they're
going
to
fall
down.
Everybody
here
knows
that
you
just
kind
of
give
it
a
them
fools
just
fall
down.
They
say
things
like
I'm
a
little,
I'm
a
little
under
the
weather.
You
drive
my
car
home
for
me.
They
don't
even
know
the
right
answer
is
it's
my
God
damn
car.
I'll
drive
the
God
damn
thing
if
you
don't
like
a
flock,
because
when
you're
drinking
you
can
handle
it.
Do
you
want
to
be
one
of
them
social
drinkers?
Going
alcohol
has
got
to
do
something
significant
for
you
before
it
can
hurt
you.
If
it
don't
do
nothing
for
you,
it'll
never
do
nothing
to
you.
One
all
right
now.
What's
wrong
with
that?
It's
like
alcohol
is
like
instant
therapeutics.
Sometimes.
I
had
a
couple
years
of
psychotherapy.
I
was
in
metaphysics.
I
read
a
lot
of
philosophy
I
can
describe.
I
can
discuss
Kant
and
Schopenhauer
and
Nietzsche
and
I've
never
met
any,
never
found
any
therapy
yet
that
in
two
years
can
make
you
feel
as
comfortable
as
one
double
shot.
Now
what's
wrong
with
that?
Jesus,
man
deserves
a
little
help.
There's
only
one
thing
wrong
with
that,
really,
and
that
is
it
gets
back
to
the
old
cruel
thing
about
let
me
just
say
something
two
or
three
minutes,
right?
I
may
talk
a
little
over
time,
but
Jack
can
remember
at
the
end
of
his
tape.
Let
me
Why
are
you
human
beings
have
conflicts?
Isn't
that
a
big
surprise?
I'm
not
giving
you
a
psychology
lecture
that
that's
just
true.
The
only
time
the
human
beings
ever
are
treated
as
well
as
they
wish
to
be
treated
when
they're
born,
they're
born
with
only
one
thing
going
for
men
instinct
to
to
live,
to
stay
alive.
That's
why
little
babies,
you
can
put
a
bottle
in
their
mouth
and
they'll
suck
it
before
they've
ever
been
taught
to
suck
a
bottle
because
they
got
to
do
it.
And
little
babies
are
self-centered,
total
self-centered
little
things,
and
they're
born
into
a
world
where
it's
all
given
to
them.
But
a
little
baby
is
hungry,
he
says.
I
Somebody
says
nobody
says
why
don't
you
get
the
job,
you
little
puke?
Yeah,
give
him
the
bar
when
a
baby's
wet
his
pants,
he
says.
Oh,
and
baby
pooped
his
pants.
Nobody
says,
aren't
you
ashamed?
Yeah,
and
everything
you
want
is
yours
and
you're
the
center
of
your
universe.
And
watch
little
babies
go
over
and
pull
over
the
lamp
and
give
us
a
look
how
strong
baby
is.
He
pulled
over
the
lamp.
You
know,
next
year
when
he
does
it,
you
know,
but
for
a
while
it's
great
trouble
that
happened
so
young
when
you
don't
appreciate
it
because
it's
just
my
type
of
living.
And
one
day
every
little
baby,
sooner
or
later,
little
child
goes
into
a
room
or
a
playpen
or
a
play
yard
or
the
backyard
or
a
living
room,
and
he
runs
across
some
other
little
puke
that
up
till
then
thought
he
was
the
center
of
the
universe.
And
you
hear
little
tiny
voices
saying
things
like
mine.
Mind,
mind
and
the
battle
of
life
begins,
and
it
never
gets
any
better
because
you
suddenly
begin
to
realize
that
my
Basic
Instinct
is
gratifying
my
wishes.
And
the
world,
that
selfish,
nasty
place,
is
occupied
with
other
things.
And
so
you
grow
up
and
try
to
learn
to
see
how
little
you
have
to
give
to
get
as
much
as
you
can.
That's
called
maturing
of
not
showing
your
emotions,
learning
the
techniques.
Instead
of
saying
Dad,
I
want
to
use
your
God
damn
car,
you
learn
the
hypocrisies
of
life.
Gee,
Dad,
you
look
nice
tonight.
I'm
so
proud
of
you
and
mother.
Could
I
use
the
car?
All
the
little
things.
I
love
you,
honey,
I
really
do.
I
love
you
always
good.
All
the
little
hypocrisies
of
life
to
disguise
your
basic
emotions
of
I
want
what
I
want
now.
You'd
think
by
the
time
you
grew
up,
people
wouldn't
need
anymore
help.
But
a
good
ghetto.
People
have
this
all
of
their
lives.
The
conflicts
between
what
I
can
have
and
what
I
want
now.
I'll
just
give
you
a
good
example,
right?
Which
we
came
up
when
Raleigh
and
I
and
Mary
drove
up
here
tonight,
We
up
here
about
three
blocks.
There
was
something
there
should
be
no
need
for
in
an
adult
community.
Big
men,
wealthy,
successful
men
in
Cadillacs
and
Lincolns
and
Fords
and
Chryslers
come
to
that
corner.
And
the
city
of
Eureka
has
to
say
to
them.
Now
you
wait
and
let
these
children
have
their
turn
for
a
while.
Now
it's
red
for
you
and
green
for
you.
Now
you
go
for
a
while
because
left
of
their
own
devices,
even
grown
up
successful
men,
it's
more
important
that
I
get
through
that
intersection
than
you
get
through
it.
So
they
got
to
give
me
a
light
like
the
dude
greets.
I
can't
think
of
a
single
law,
federal,
state,
city.
I
never
heard
of
a
law
of
society
or
its
legislatures
that
wasn't
to
1°
or
another
designed
to
prevent
somebody
or
something
getting
their
wishes
at
the
expense
of
somebody
or
something
else
who
was
unable
to
fight
back.
That's
all
it's
about.
Society
is
made-up
of
people
who
live
in
a
tenuous
situation
of
I
must
not
try
to
get
what
I
want
because
I
will
be
punished
or
I
will
lose
face
or
whatever
it
is.
But
that's
all
it's
about.
And
we
will
all
go
through
life
with
conflicts
because
every
it's
to
every
human
being
that
lives.
It
is
slightly
more
important
to
me
that
I
survived
and
that
you
survived.
Nothing
personal,
just
that's
the
way
it
is
now.
There's
nothing
wrong
with
that,
but
people
have
a
lot
of
conflicts.
There's
a
lot
of
conflicts
in
society
and
that's
why
there's
maybe
300,000
people
this
week
lying
on
psychiatric
couches
saying,
doctor,
why
do
I
have
these
conflicts
that
they
don't
seem
to
have?
Because
every
human
being's
at
a
disadvantage.
They
got
to
compare
their
inside
against
other
people's
outside.
And
you
always
look
roar
to
yourself
that
other
people
look
to
you.
And
that's
why
people
get
into
things
that
give
them
answers.
And
people
bowl
seven
nights
a
week
and
people
get
in
there
and
become
workaholics
and
work
10
hours
a
day,
seven
days
a
week.
Just
they
look
good
doing
it,
but
it's
another
escape,
just
escape
from
the
conflicts
people.
We
7%
of
our
hundred
drinkers
are
among
the
most
fortunate
people
in
the
history
of
the
world.
I
have
a
way
to
reduce
conflict
significantly,
socially
acceptably.
That's
what
alcohol
does.
It
reduces
conflict
in
the
alcoholic.
It
may
bring
it
tomorrow,
but
it
takes
it
away
now.
Now,
there's
nothing
wrong
with
that.
It's
like
having
a
magic
answer
except
for
one
thing.
One
thing,
and
that's
this.
If
alcohol
does
something
for
you
on
a
continuing
basis,
you
gradually
lose
the
ability
to
use
those
emotional
muscles
as
they
were,
which
allows
you
to
cope
with
the
conflicts
of
reality.
So
by
the
time
your
answer
gets
to
be
a
problem
and
you
want
to
quit
drinking,
you
are
unprepared
to
face
the
conflicts
of
reality
on
a
continuing
basis.
And
it
boils
down
to
this.
I
am
ill
adjusted
to
my
environment
emotionally
and
sooner
or
later
to
maintain
my
sanity
I
got
to
take
a
drink
or
a
pill
or
something.
Now
isn't
that
funny?
You
got
a
drink
to
keep
your
sanity
but
if
you
drink
you're
going
to
go
crazy.
You
got
no
chance.
And
that
funny
little
disease
is
called
alcoholism.
It's
composed
of
two
things.
You
have
lost
your
ability
to
control
the
alcohol
and
a
continuing
basis.
You
have
lost
your
ability
to
control
sobriety
on
a
continuing
basis.
No
matter
how
you
slice
it
or
who
you
blame
or
it
or
them
or
her
or
old
days
or
memories
or
what
ifs.
It
boils
down
to
this.
Sooner
or
later
I
must
drink.
And
when
I
drink,
mostly
I
will
be
able
to
convince
myself
I'm
not
really
an
alcoholic
because
these
emotions
happened
to
me
when
I
was
sober.
And
that's
why
this
is
a
lethal
and
fatal
and
deadly
disease.
I
see
now
that
in
1975,
alcoholism
has
been
ranked
to
the
number
2
killer
of
the
United
States.
And
I'm
sure
that
if
all
the
death
certificates
were
filled
out
correctly,
it
would
be
#1
they
still
don't
put
alcoholism
much
on
death
certificates.
You
whenever
you
read
the
paper,
somebody
died
a
heart
failure,
you
might
question
that
because
that's
what
causes
everybody
to
die,
is
heart
failure.
The
question
is
what
caused
your
heart
to
fail?
That's
a
nice
winter.
Heart
failure
is
not
a
cause
of
death.
That's
a
symptom
of
death.
But
the
reason
that's
important
to
remember
that
is
this.
If
you
think
that
somehow
you're
going
to
get
sober
and
you're
going
to
grid
a
throw
or
you're
going
to
stay
sober
if
the
conflicts
will
go
away,
you're
going
to
be
out
of
luck.
If
you
get
sober
and
think,
well,
why
do
I
still
have
this
intermittent
terrible
pain
and
sobriety?
It's
because
most
people
don't
realize
that
is
part
of
the
disease.
That's
why
we're
here.
If
there
were
no
pain
and
sobriety,
there
would
be
no
problem
with
drinking
as
we
wouldn't
drink.
This
disease
called
alcoholism
is
a
deadly
terrible
thing.
And
the
reason
I
want
to
mention
all
that,
all
those
things
I
just
mentioned
is
this.
So
you
will
never
ever
stop
and
think
that
alcohol
is
a
place
for
you
to
get
sober
in,
because
being
sober
is
not
the
goal
of
a
A
Being
sober
is
the
doorway
to
a
A.
It
is
living
in
sobriety,
progressively
less
conflict
ridden.
That
is
the
point
of
a
A
and
that
is
why
the
actions
and
the
therapies
of
AE
are
so
vital.
Now
every
once
in
a
while
you
run
across
some
old
guy
who's
been
around
for
a
long
time
and
he
says
things
like
Island
summer,
20
years,
that
I
don't
believe
in
the
God
damn
steps.
And
it's
kind
of
hard
to
debate
with
that
and
take
out
a
newcomer
with
it.
He
says,
Jesus,
he's
been
sober
20
years
and
he
don't
believe
in
the
steps.
Took
me
some
time
to
think
of
the
answer
to
that.
The
answer
is,
is
that
the
way
you
want
to
feel
when
you're
20
years
sober?
People
that
can
stay
sober
with
that
much
discomfort
aren't
as
sensitive
as
I
am.
I
need
more
comfort
than
that,
and
that's
why
it's
important
to
start
to
understand.
And
the
thing
that
saved
my
life
and
changed
my
life
was
the
idea
that
a
A,
the
things
you
do
in
a
A
are
not
some
sort
of
gratitude
you
do
to
a,
A
forgetting
you
sober.
They
are
ways
that
over
a
period
of
time,
will
adjust
your
relationship
with
your
environment
exactly
designed
to
do
the
same
thing
that
alcohol
is
designed
to
do.
Except
you're
not
liable
to
be
arrested
for
driving
while
serene
you
you've
not.
Very
many
people
get
busted
for
comfortable
and
disorderly,
but
sobriety
is
full
of
its
ups
and
downs
and
we
try
to
ease
them
off.
And
no
matter
what
anybody
tells
you
from
the
podium,
no
sane
person
is
comfortable
all
the
time.
No
sane
person.
I've
only
known
one
guy
who
was
happy
all
the
time.
And
here's
the
guy
in
the
next
bed
to
mine
at
Big
Spring,
TX.
He
Just
how
are
you
today?
Five
days,
A
fine
day.
I
used
to
envy
that
son
of
a
bitch.
How
does
he
do
it?
And
it
suddenly
struck
me,
as
long
as
he
keeps
me
in
that
happy,
he's
never
going
to
get
out.
That
indicates
he's
out
of
touch.
Nobody's
ever
that
happy
what
you
try
to
do
here.
The
purpose
of
these
things
is
for
this
so
little
by
little,
sobriety
becomes
tenable,
and
then
a
little
more
bearable
and
then
a
little
more
bearable.
Then
you
have
some
bad
days
where
the
bottom
drops
out,
but
you've
got
to
stay
sober.
That
through
them.
Until
you
get
to
start
getting
a
flash
of
comfort
now
and
then.
At
first
it's
like
right
reading
Shakespeare
by
Lightning
Flash,
you
know.
But
little
by
little,
the
purpose
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous
is
to
enable
Alcoholics
whose
psychiatrically
and
physically
cannot
withstand
unsedated
sobriety
and
help
them
to
find
a
way
to
live
progressively
more
comfortably
in
unsedated
sobriety.
That's
all
it's
about.
Do
not
be
deluded
by
these
people
who
say,
hey,
we'll
take
care
of
your
sobriety.
Then
you
got
to
go
to
the
brand
next
for
your
emotions.
A
A
has
got
nothing
to
do
with
your
sobriety.
A
A
deals
only
with
your
emotions
in
sobriety.
That's
all
it
deals
with.
And
the
one
thing
to
remember
is
this,
alcohol
still
does
something
for
you.
So
if
at
any
time
you
drink,
the
short
circuit
is
back
and
then
you
got
to
go
back
and
start
over
again.
So
you
never
get
well
enough
to
drink
because
that's
got
nothing
to
do
with
the
physical
side
of
it.
Alcohol
still
is
the
physical
mixer,
so
you
can't
drink
and
you
can't
stay
sober.
Nothing
has
ever
been
found
to
this
day
that
it'll
enable
you
to
drink.
There
was
briefly
up
this
hospital
up
in
Seattle
three
or
four
years
ago.
They
had
a
program
where
they
could
return
Alcoholics
to
drinking,
social
drinking.
And
their
executive
director
was
an
alcoholic
who
returned
to
social
drinking
and
stood
on
the
platform
and
said,
despite
what
people
tell
you,
you
can
return
to
soft
drink.
I
am
an
alcoholic
and
I
was
an
AA,
and
now
I've
returned
to
social
drinking
and
you
take
a
drink.
Jesus
Christ.
I
wanted
to
get
his
address.
Not
really,
but
they
had
to
discontinue
that
program
because
they
unfortunately,
one
of
this
man's
moods
eventually
overtook
him.
They
had
to
put
him
away.
One
of
the
great
cures
I
ever
heard
about
an
alcoholism
is
down
at
Loma
Linda
University
outside
of
San
Bernardino.
About
five
years
ago.
They
got
a
lot
of
national
publicity.
They
found
a
way
to
stop
Alcoholics
from
drinking
when
drinking
was
available.
They
put
a
bar
in
their
hospital
in
this
ward
and
they'd
offer
guys
drinks.
Is
there
one
little
drink?
The
guy
said
yeah,
one
other
little
drink.
Yeah,
only
that
time
they
give
him
a
shot.
Little
less
ice
than
the
next
one,
if
you
don't
mind.
And
eventually,
day
yesterday,
they'd
give
these
guys
drinks
and
sometimes
they'd
give
them
shocks
and
sometimes
they
wouldn't.
The
guys
got
just
like
fawns
and
forest
fires,
you
know?
Appreciate
the
guide.
Come
into
the
bar
in
the
morning,
one
little
drink.
No,
I
don't
believe
so.
They
had
100%
cures.
Christ,
they
had
juice
all
over.
The
only
trouble
was
with
their
program
that
they
discovered
sometime
later
that
most
of
their
cures
didn't
last
beyond
the
first
bar
where
there
are
no
wires
on
the
glasses.
Because
making
you
sick
of
alcohol
doesn't
stop
it
very
long.
Because
eventually
your
emotions
will
overweigh
your
memories
of
what
alcohol
did
to
you.
That's
what
a
A
is
about.
That's
why,
if
you
are
new
and
are
yet
uncolored,
you
might
stop
and
think.
That's
why
it
might
not
be
such
a
bad
idea
to
contemplate
the
steps
of
a
A,
because
the
steps
of
a
A
/
a
period
of
time
when
assiduously
applied
little
by
little,
by
weak,
fallible
pupils
such
as
you
and
I,
altered
the
relationship
of
the
patient
to
the
environment
and
enables
him
to
live
progressively
more
so
more
comfortably,
more
adjusted.
Now
every
day
is
not
a
perfect
day,
but
by
God,
I'm
a
long
way
from
that
animal.
I
used
to
be,
but
I
was
at
the
top.
Now
I,
you
know,
things
are
fine.
Now
I
live
in
a
home
by
the
ocean.
I
when
I
was
five
years
sober,
the
same
wife
and
four
kids
moved
to
California
and
we've
lived
together
ever
since
throughout.
Most
of
them
are
grown
up
and
gone.
Now
we
have
a
little
boy,
11.
Incidentally,
this
may
be
my
farewell
talk
in
a
A
because
tomorrow
afternoon,
3:00,
I
have
to
take
him
out
and
give
him
his
Boy
Scout
proficiency
test
and
a
rowboat
on
the
ocean.
I
can.
Don't
drown
me,
kid.
I'm
your
daddy.
I'm
sorry
I
spanked
you
when
I
was
five
years
of
birth,
his
medical
corporation
and
a
seven-year
sober.
I
was
in
Hollywood
and
radio
and
television
got
some
more
plaques
and
awards.
That
was
10
years
sober
as
director
of
public
relations
for
large
oil
company.
I
was
15
years
sober.
I
was
director
of
marketing
for
a
big
publishing
firm
in
Beverly
Hills.
I
got
a
home
and
a
family
and
a
job
and
kids,
and
there's
only
one
thing.
I
had
all
these
things
the
day
I
committed
suicide
in
El
Paso,
and
I
was
just
as
sober
as
I
am
now
tonight.
Not
as
long,
but
just
as
physically
sober.
And
the
reason
I
committed
suicide
in
El
Paso
is
because
both
the
university
and
the
advertising
agency
felt
my
drinking
and
got
out
of
hand.
And
they
give
me
an
ultimatum.
One
more
drink
and
you're
done.
So
I
went
on
the
wagon,
and
I
stayed
on
the
wagon
so
long
that
I
couldn't
fight
it
off
anymore.
And
one
morning
it
was
easier
to
commit
suicide
than
to
live
sober.
And
I
was
sober
that
day.
I
was.
I
had
all
these
things
the
day
I
hitchhiked
out
of
Chicago
in
the
middle
of
a
Blizzard
because
I
had
just
caused
my
best
friend
to
commit
suicide.
I
felt
over
one
of
my
terrible
behavior
patterns.
I
had
all
of
these
things
the
day
that
my
father
came
to
me
and
my
jail
cell
in
1950
and
said,
did
you
have
a
good
time
last
night,
son?
And
I
said,
not
really,
dad,
but
I'm
going
to
straighten
out.
He
says,
I
hope
you
had
a
good
time
because
while
you
rob
drunk,
your
little
son
died
in
his
crib
and
I
never
want
to
talk
to
you
again.
And
these
are
memories
you
can't
live
with.
And
The
funny
thing
is
that
with
the
change
of
perspective,
you
can
live
with
them
and
understand
them.
And
I
no
longer
feel
a
terrible
sense
of
guilt
for
those
kind
of
things.
I
can
look
back
as
though
I'm
looking
at
somebody
else
and
see
a
poor,
sick
emotion
rack
guy
doing
the
best
he
can
with
no
alternative.
He
just
got
to
stumble
from
crisis
to
crisis
to
crisis,
shaking
his
fists
against
the
heavens.
Let
me
suggest
to
you
this,
there
are
ways
to
not
drink.
There
are
various
centers.
Now
I'm
not
putting
these
down
because
it's
different
strokes
for
different
folks.
Before
you
go
to
get
off
alcohol
and
they
give
you
pills
instead
that
make
you
crazy
only
you
don't
smell
anymore.
It
don't
seem
to
make
much
difference
for
people
like
us.
Whatever
gets
me
away
gets
me
away.
Alcohol,
they
can
say,
well,
Valium
is
not
addictive.
I'll
tell
you
something,
alcohol
isn't
addictive
either.
To
those
93
of
100,
Librium
is
not
addictive
to
93
of
100.
But
anything
that
will
transform
our
relationship
to
our
environment
is
death
to
us
because
we
will
gradually
atrophy
in
those
emotions
that
we
need
to
build
up.
That's
why
it's
a
conceivable
you
and
I
might
think
about
this.
The
purpose
of
a
A
is
that.
So
tonight,
in
a
few
minutes
after
I
have
a
cup
of
coffee,
I
can
walk
out
that
door
and
I
don't
even
have
to
look
at
the
street
sign.
I
don't
care
if
it
says
Eureka,
CA
out
there,
or
if
it
says
O'farrell
St.
in
San
Francisco,
or
if
it
says
Irve
St.
that's
Dallas,
or
if
it
says
Biscayne
Blvd.
And
it's
Miami,
or
if
it
says
Clark
St.
in
Chicago
or
52nd
Street
in
New
York
or
Burrard
St.
in
Seattle,
or
or
Vancouver
or
Barstow
St.
No,
Claire,
Wisconsin
don't
make
a
hell
of
a
lot
of
difference.
I
got
to
walk
out
there
into
an
environment
where
I
must
reasonably
expect
to
feel
comfortable
and
be
able
to
cope
with
the
problems
I
find
out
there
and
most
importantly,
come
to
understand
what
causes
the
problem
so
I
can
change
the
'cause
that
brings
about
those
deadly
effects,
not
only
just
in
drinking,
but
in
my
emotional
behavior.
I
one
thing
I
had
difficulty
with,
and
a
lot
of
people
do,
is
coming
to
return
to
God.
Because
I
had
such
a
strict
religious
training,
I
was
pleased
to
discover
a
period
of
time,
as
my
sponsor
said
to
me,
he
says,
kid,
there's
never
any
place
in
this
book
that
says
you
return
to
God,
that
you
never
return
to
a
higher
power.
It
says
something
much
more
important.
You
come
to
believe
that
a
power
greater
than
yourself
exists.
And
my
first
higher
power
because
of
my
strict
religious
training,
I
could.
I
couldn't
face
the
concept
of
God
because
if
God
existed,
I
was
screwed.
And
I
came
to
believe
in
my
sponsors,
a
higher
power.
And
as
a
result
of
trying
to
please
that
old
fool,
I
got
secure
enough
to
come
to
believe
in
a
A
and
I
came
to
believe
in
a
lot
of
things
I
didn't
think
I
could.
And
much
to
my
surprise,
over
a
period
of
time,
I
came
to
believe
in
God.
And
I
have
prayed
to
him.
And
I
go
home
to
Eau
Claire,
WI
now.
I'll
be
there
again
in
a
couple
weeks.
I'm
there
much
more
often
than
when
I
lived
on
the
other
side
of
town.
My
parents
and
I
are
very
close.
They
cry
when
I
leave
town
now
instead
of
when
I
come
in,
which
is
a
switch.
Kind
of
fun
to
see
the
tears
freeze
to
their
old
cheeks.
But
don't
be
so
concerned
about
quote
the
spiritual
side.
Because
first
of
all,
you
have
to
come
to
believe
that
the
power
here
can
help
you.
And
if
you
can
live
in
this
world,
you
come
to
believe
in
what
you
can
come
to
believe
it.
I
I've
only
had
one
moment
in
which
I
have
reached
spiritual
perfection,
and
that
was
in
1970.
I'll
tell
you
about
that
briefly,
didn't.
I'll
sit
down.
I
was
privileged
1970
to
be
asked
to
speak
at
the
International
Convention
in
Miami
Beach,
and
I
guess
ordinary
would
have
been
a
big
ego
trip
for
me.
But
it
wasn't
for
me
because
I'd
been
a
slipper
around
a
for
nine
years
now.
I'd
been
sober
12
years
and
it
kind
of
was
a
tap
that
we
accept
you
in
our
dumbbell.
And
I
spoke
on
July
4th
and
the
morning
speaker
early
in
the
morning
was
the
guy
that
took
me
to
my
first
a
a
meeting
in
Eau
Claire,
WI
1949.
Long
before
I
had
needed
it.
I
thought
my
last,
the
last
speaker
that
night
was
my
current
sponsor
in
Los
Angeles
and
I
was
the
noon
speaker
on
Independence
Day.
And
it
just
touched
me
and
I
just
was
imbued
with
Jesus.
How
lucky
I
am
to
have
found
this.
And
I
had
a
spiritual
breakthrough
like
you
never
saw.
And
I
came
home
determined.
I'm
never
going
to
be
cross
again.
I'm
not
going
to
let
my
emotions
run
away
with
me
anymore.
I'm
going
to
put
this
program
to
work
without
any
more
of
this
hanky
pank.
And
I
just
was.
I
just
exuded
love
for
all.
And
on
Monday
morning,
I
was
going
down
to
work
and
I
got
on
that
Santa
Monica
Freeway
and
I
just,
I
had
my
rearview
mirror
so
I
could
see
the
road
and
me
both,
because
I've
never
seen
myself
with
this
aura.
My
dimple
really
danced
and
I
went
under
the
San
Diego
Freeway
and
a
little
old
lady
in
a
Toyota
came
off
that
freeway
on
the
on
ramp
and
about
70
miles
an
hour
just
missed
me
by
an
inch.
Just
A
and
the
new
spiritual
leader
of
the
West
Coast
without
even
blinking
an
eye
lowered
the
window
and
said,
you
crazy
old
bitch,
and
I've
got
that
you
can
do
then
is
drive
another
mile
and
stick
your
head
back
out
there.
God
love
you
no
longer
the
marketing
director
of
this
publishing
firm.
I
do
now
for
a
living.
For
Christ's
sake,
I
run
the
Midnight
Mission
on
Skid
Row
in
Los
Angeles
and
it's
I
wasn't
even
going
to
take
the
job,
but
they
guaranteed
me
such
a
significant
decrease
in
salary,
I
couldn't
turn
it
down.
It's
not
a,
it's
not
an
alcoholic
treatment
center.
It
is
not
an
alcoholic
rehabilitation
place
because
I'm
not
smart
enough
to
be
an
alcoholic
counselor
yet.
I
may
be
in
20
years,
but
I'm
not
now.
All
we
do
is
we
run
this
big
mission
on
Skid
Row.
It's
the
only
mission
on
Skid
Row,
I
think,
in
the
world
where
there's
no
religious
services,
there's
no
required
meetings,
there's
no
required
anything.
We
feed
about
140,000
meals
a
year
and
we
bed
down
50,000
guys
and
and
it
must
be
the
only
agency
of
its
kind
in
the
world
that
gets
no
will
not
accept
any
federal
funds
or
state
funds
or
county
funds
or
city
funds
or
church
funds.
Just
It
exists
on
public
donations
and
has
for
60
years.
And
I
go
home
at
night.
I
feel
maybe
I've
done
something.
And
you
think,
well,
Jesus,
that's
nice
to
help
all
those
Alcoholics,
but
it
isn't
helping
Alcoholics.
It's
helping
broken
men
'cause
there's
a
great
many
men
on
Skid
Row.
A
lot
of
people
don't
know
this
who
don't
drink
at
all,
who
are
broken.
Another
wheels.
But
it's
kind
of
an
interesting
thing
to
me.
It
so
changed
my
perspective.
I
would
have
bet
my
life
again
that
I'd
never
be
interested.
I
spent
15
years
getting
off
that
God
damn
Skid
Row.
What
am
I
doing
down
there?
Going
voluntarily
every
morning,
driving
through
Beverly
Hills
to
get
the
Skid
Row,
and
I
wouldn't
even
do
it
except
it
keeps
me
comfortable
and
that's
what
it's
about.
I
wouldn't
suggest
you
run
a
mission
because
I
don't
know
that's
what
should
be
done.
But
I
don't
mind
running
a
mission
as
long
as
when
I'm
running
that
mission,
I'm
not
an
AA.
When
I
go
home,
I'm
an
A
A
and
I
go
to
my
meetings
and,
and
I
don't
try
to
convert
anybody
down
there.
We
have
3A
a
meetings
a
week
at
night,
but
I
don't
stay
for
them.
I
I
go
home
'cause
I'm
not
there
as
an
A,
A,
a
A
enables
me
to
be
there
to
help
people
of
all
kinds,
not
Alcoholics.
But
the
point
of
the
whole
exercise
is
this.
You
got
to
remember
one
thing,
the
basic
bottom
line
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous,
why
you
should
do
things,
for
instance,
like
get
a
Home
group,
no
matter
how
many
meetings
you
go
to,
have
one
meeting
you
go
to
every
week
so
you
can
start
to
belong,
so
you
feel
a
part
of
things.
Everybody
in
this
organization
is
basically
a
loner.
We
got
to
do
everything
we
can
to
feel
like
we're
a
part
of
things.
That's
why
you
maybe
you
want
to
get
a
sponsor
and
maybe
do
what
he
says
even
though
you
think
you're
smarter
than
he
is.
And
maybe
you
might
even
want
to
work
these
steps
over
a
period
of
time
and
gradually
make
that
emotional
surrender
so
you
don't
have
to
be
pretend
to
be
so
God
damn
strong
you
can
exhibit
your
weakness
once
and
for
all.
And
on
the
result
of
that,
start
to
get
strong.
That's
what
it's
about.
I
you
may
get
the
idea
that
I'm
an
advocate
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous
and
I
am.
It's
the
only
thing
that
I've
helped.
And
sometimes
people
say
to
me,
you
don't
know
what
it
like
to
be
sick
like
I
am
emotionally
God
damn
it.
I
know
what
it's
like
to
be
as
sick
enough
to
kill
yourself
and
be
putting
the
insane
asylum.
I'm
just
telling
you
that
when
all
else
fails,
after
you
know
all
about
a
A,
you
might
try
doing
it.
There's
no
cliche.
They
don't
say
much
anymore.
You
said
years
ago.
It's
what
you
learn
after
you
know
it
all
that
counts.
And
what
you
learn
after
you
know
it
all
is
how
to
little
by
little,
use
it
in
your
real
life.
You'll
never
become
perfect.
You'll
never
become
wonderful.
And
people
who
tell
you
they
become
wonderful,
in
my
opinion,
are
so
insecure
they're
afraid
to
tell
you
that
they're
not
wonderful.
What
it
does
for
you,
it
enables
you,
God
damn
it,
to
walk
outdoors
into
any
St.
in
the
world
with
your
shoulders
back
and
your
eyes
open
and
clear
and
inside
and
knowing
that
I
can
make
it
and
knowing
you.
You
have
to
start
in
by
getting
comfortable
in
here
through
painful
times,
and
then
get
comfortable
out
there
through
painful
times.
And
pretty
soon
you're
comfortable
in
here
and
out
there
and
live
through
painful
times.
And
once
you
could
do
that,
it's
worth
everything
it
ever
took
to
get
there.
Thank
you.