Mickey B. from London, UK Saturday night speaker at Road to Recovery Convention, Reykjavik Iceland

So welcome, Speaker questions Mickey Pierre, Frau Wonton, LA, California.

Hi everybody. My name is Mickey Bush and I'm an alcoholic.

I'm probably an addict too. Probably an addict. I identify an Alcoholic's Anonymous as an alcoholic and probably an addict because in Alcoholics Anonymous, that's what we like to do. We like to identify one alcoholic to another alcoholic. So an Alcoholic's Anonymous.

I identify as an alcoholic and probably an addict because that's the way we like it done. Now. I'm a real alcoholic. I am a real alcoholic, a real alcoholic. I am a real alcoholic. Everything about me is alcoholic. Everything I say, do, think and feel is alcoholic. There's not just a part of me alcoholic or a big part of me that

alcoholic. I'm all alcoholic. And so being alcoholic, I have the right to be dysfunctional in as many ways as I like.

Don't. Don't tell me I'm limited. Don't tell me I just have to stick to one. I'm alcoholic. I have many dysfunctions. So consequently, I get asked to speak in Narcotics Anonymous and Cocaine Anonymous

and other anonymous programs, and when I speak in those programs, I identify as an addict

and probably an alcoholic

'cause that's the way they like it done too. And I don't have a problem with that. See, the truth of the matter is, is that if there's 12 steps attached to anything, I'm a contender for it. It don't matter what it is.

Don't matter if there's anything attached to 12 steps. I'm a contender for it. A ANACAACA over eaters, little Peters. It doesn't matter what it is,

I'm a contender if there's 12 steps attached to it. So you know, I'm a real alcoholic. I am a real alcoholic

that also did lots of other things. I always drank, always drank. I never remember not drinking, but I didn't only drink,

I also did lots of other things. Mountains of drugs, good drugs

and bad ones and bad ones. I did bad ones too, you know.

So consequently, you know, I get to apply these principles to all my affairs, you know, including my alcoholism and my addictions and my personal relationships, everything. I get to apply these principles to all my affairs because I'm a real alcoholic, see? So I know that some people

in Alcoholics Anonymous don't like hearing about drugs being talked about

in Alcoholics Anonymous because they didn't do drugs and this is Alcoholics Anonymous. But I'm a real alcoholic that did do drugs. And I gotta play these principles to all the affairs. I can't just pick out a few affairs and not pick out another few affairs. I have to apply these principles, sure, my affairs. So being a real alcoholic who did mountains of drugs,

I want you to know that I did all my drugs alcoholically

and I don't know anything from moderation. I don't know from moderation. I never did anything in moderation. Nothing. My entire life. I never did anything in moderation except the steps. The steps was the only thing ever did in moderation, you see.

So consequently, you know, if you're an alcoholic here tonight who didn't do drugs, I'm glad you're here. If you're an alcoholic that didn't do drugs, it's not a requirement, it's not an essential. If you're an alcoholic that Justin only drank alcohol, I'm really glad you're here. If you're an alcoholic, that Justin only drank alcohol, a specialist,

you know, I'm really glad you're here. But I ain't a specialist. I'm a chemical gourmet.

Yeah,

I'm a chemical connoisseur.

Or as my sponsor says, no Mick, you are a chemical kind of sewer

is what you are.

So you know Carl, Carl hit on it when he was talking and, and I, I prolong that. See I never even heard the term drug of choice till I came here. I never heard Taraga choice when I was out there drinking and drugging. Nobody ever came up to me. I can't even imagine being backstage

Rolling Stones concert, for example,

and having anybody come up and say, hey dude, what's your drug of choice?

It never happened. And I certainly Mick, bring a rig, got some books, good shit, let's go backstage, do some good drugs. Certainly not. My drug of choice is Jack Daniels.

It never happened. I never even heard the term drug of choice till I came here. I heard people say drug a choice, drug a choice for drug and I thought you get to choose or you gotta choose. Where is it? I never drug a choice. What is that?

What is a dragon choice? I don't know. I never ever had a drug of choice. I don't know what a drug of choice is. I know you do, but I don't. My drug of choice, if I got one, is yours.

Whatever you got is my drug of choice

on anything you got is my favorite,

don't matter what it is.

And that's usually followed by is it good and will you front me some? Can I get some for free?

Don't know from drug of choice. I have no idea what a drug of choice is. I'll give you a clue. I take anything, it doesn't matter what it is. I always drank, but I also take anything else. Doesn't matter. One day I was on the phone in the street trying to get a deal, trying to make a deal, trying to get something for nothing. And I was on the phone to the man dealer man and I looked down, there was a pill on the floor and oh look, shloked on this pill and picked her up and at it.

Didn't know what it was.

Didn't matter what it was. It could have been a dog worm in pill for all we know. It was a pill. It might have done something

so I don't care what it is, I just do it. I don't know from from drug of choice. Always drinking alcohol. Never remember not drinking alcohol.

And why I say this is because it seems that in Alcoholics, in certain parts of the world, certainly in the United States, where Alcoholics don't want to hear about other things other than alcohol and Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. And they get all all kind of bent out of shape. And they say things like, well, this is Alcoholics Anonymous. And in Alcoholics Anonymous, we refrain from talking about other things other than alcohol and alcoholism. And this is

Alcoholics Anonymous.

And you know what?

They're well meaning. They're good enough. I don't really mind if they're Alcoholics and they just and only drank alcohol. I'm really glad they're there. But that ain't my story. That ain't what happened to me. And you know what? What did happen to me is what I want to help protect you from, See, because I did lots of other things. I did alcohol and certainly lots of mountains of drugs. And I never heard that I shouldn't be doing them in Alcoholics Anonymous. I never heard it.

See, now I know I got a hearing problem. I don't hear things right.

I never have. I just don't seem to hear things the same as other people.

It never happened just because I got here. It happened all my life. All my life. I would be in trouble because I don't hear things right. Years before I got here, long before I got to Alcoholics Anonymous. I wasn't hearing things right when I was in London, England. I'm from London, England. I was raised in London, England. I lived in my mum's house in northwest London. She still lives there, you know, and, and you know what my mum, I mean, she's a dynamic lady. She's a great lady, my mum.

I don't know whether you got a mum like my mum, but I really did think she had eyes in her ass

because she never missed a trick. She knew everything that went on in their house.

And I would come home drunk and I would be stumbling around downstairs and she would be in her bed and she would hear me and she would like yell out down the stairs. Drunk again son.

So am I Mum,

'cause I don't hear things right,

she say. I'm not bloody drunk. I've been in bed since 8:00. What the Hell's wrong with you?

And I wouldn't get it. And I think, well, why did she say she was drunk then?

She's messing with me,

'cause I don't hear things right.

When I got to Alcoholics Anonymous, nothing changed. I got to Alcoholics Anonymous, the guy said get a job. I said what? He said, get a job, get a job, go to work what? Go to work, get a job, go to work. What?

I don't know how I'd get there. Get a bus? What?

Get a bus, go to work, get a job,

get a bus. I don't do buses. I don't know buses.

I know I'll rehearse getting a bus. I can rehearse. I'll I lived above Sunset Blvd. in West Hollywood in Los Angeles and I, I walked down the Sunset Blvd. very busy St. and and I saw buses going by full up with people. I thought I got to be able to get a bus. Buses are full up with people. I stopped at a bus stop and I stood there and the bus came along.

I got on the bus and he said, hey, get a ticket, put some money in the deal. I went, Oh yeah, sure, put the money in the deal and I stood there. Who waited for something to happen?

And the bus pulled away and I went flying and I fell right up against his chick with his big ones

and I don't hear things right.

And she said move your hands. I said sure, sure.

They threw me off the bus.

So I don't hear things right? And I get to Alcoholics Anonymous

and I January the 15th, 1983.

I don't know nothing. I don't know nothing. I think I know everything, but I don't know nothing. I'm so sick that I don't know I'm sick. Do you know how sick that is? Do you know how sick it is to be so sick that you don't know you're sick? That's really sick. And if you're as sick as I was when I got here and you come into room like this and you look around the room and you think, well, at least I'm not as sick as him.

Do you know how sick it is to be in a room like this, thinking you're not as sick as someone else that's really sick? And I don't know. So if you're wondering whether you is or whether you isn't a real alcoholic or not, I want you to know that I can relate to being as sick as you don't think you are.

That's really sick. And I never knew. I had no idea. Now I know you guys know, but I never knew. I never knew what was wrong with me. I never knew there was anything wrong with me. I never did. Like the beautiful book says, we stood at the turning point half measures. I don't even know where the point is.

Countless vain attempts to drink like other people. I never did that. Oh, why would I do that? I don't want to drink like nobody else. I want to drink like me, like the pig I am. You know, I don't want to drink like anybody else. So I don't know that. I don't know there's anything wrong with me. I'm absolutely in the toilet as far as my life is concerned, and I don't know what's wrong with me or anything. Not till I come here.

I've been lots of other places. I've been to treatment centres and detoxes and prisons and insane asylums and nut wards, but they never got through to me. They never got through to me. I didn't hear what was being said, not till I got here to Alcoholics Anonymous. And the magic that happens in Alcoholics Anonymous happened for me

January the 15th, 1983, when one alcoholic comes together with another alcoholic for the purpose of recovery. And I went to that meeting and in that meeting, I walked into that meeting, there was an English Rock'n'roll player who was leading the meeting and he came over and he hugged me and I said, what are you doing here? He said I'm leading the meeting. I said how come? He said I'm 22 months sober. Whoa,

I thought I was going to catch something.

22 months sober, you know,

and you know, and a guy got up in my face. He said you're alcoholic. I said what? He said you're alcoholic, Alcoholic. You're an alcoholic. I'm an alcoholic. You, you're an alcoholic. Alcoholic. You're an alcoholic.

I thought that was mean to say a thing like that,

you know? What do you mean? Alcohol. You're an alcoholic.

Why'd you say that? Because if it looks like a dark and walks like a dark and sounds like a dark and smells like a duck, it's a bloody duck. Just because it's been taking something and thinks it's an eagle. No, you're a duck. You're a duck. I'm a duck. Quack. Quack.

But you know, I never knew what he meant, but I understood something because that's what alcohol did for me. It changed me from a duck to an eagle. That's what made me alcoholic. I never knew that at the time, but now I do. You guys taught me what was wrong with me. What is it about me that makes me alcoholic? Wasn't what I did because I'm alcoholic. I know you guys say that, but I know different. I don't classify myself as alcoholic based on what I do.

I base myself alcoholic because what alcohol does to me, which is an allergic reaction. When I drink alcohol, it changes my perception of reality. That's what makes me alcoholic because alcohol changes my perception of reality.

Alcohol changes me from a duck to an eagle. When I feel like a duck, I drink and then I feel like an eagle and go swooping around looking for prey. See, that's what alcohol does for me. Makes because I'm alcoholic. It don't do that for my three sisters and my brother. It does it to me. I'm alcoholic. See, I call it a nerd remover.

It removes the nerdness. What? You know what a nerd is up here in Iceland?

No. You know what a nerd is? Oh, good. See, when I feel like a nerd, I drink. And I don't feel like a nerd. I feel like a nerd and I drink. And I don't care if I'm a nerd. I feel like a nerd and I drink. And you're a bloody nerd. Screw you. See, it takes away the nerdness.

I never knew that when I was growing up. It just happened and I liked it. I liked the effect produced by alcohol, as the doctor says, in doctor's opinion.

See, now I don't know that you guys seem to know that, but I never knew that. See, I don't know why I drink. I drink. Everybody I know drinks. I'm from London, England, everybody drinks. I don't know anybody who didn't drink. Well, some weird people who talked to police and stuff like that, but I didn't know any normal people. Where I come from, no one talked to police and stuff like that, and everybody drank. So consequently, there was never reason to drink and there was never a reason

not to drink. Everybody drank. We just drank. We drank if the team won, we drank if the team lost and if it was a tie, we drank till there was a result. We just drank. Everybody drank. See, we didn't drink for a reason. Now I know you guys all tell me you drank for a reason. You seem to know why you drank. You seem to know why you drank because you tell me and you share in meetings about why you drank and you say that you drank because you

stand the pain and you drank to hide behind your feelings and you drank because you couldn't stand who you was, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. Now, I don't know where that came from. Who knows where that came from. I never knew that. I mean, you guys knew that, but I can't even imagine that. I can't imagine going into a pub and saying to the bartender, oh bartender, give me a triple shot of your best booze because I can't stand who I am and I want to cover up the pain tonight. It never happened.

Oh, Mr. Dealer Man, give me an extra rock because I really feel inadequate.

You know, it never happened. I don't know why I do what I do. I just do it. And I'd been doing it and it's been doing for me what it's been doing for me. And until it stops working, I don't even consider it. Now, if you're an alcoholic here that don't know what I'm talking about when I'm doing drugs and you get an attitude because, you know, we should be talking about Alcohol and Alcoholics Anonymous. Well meaning people in Alcoholics Anonymous say things well if an alcoholic went to an Alcoholic's Anonymous meeting and.

He heard a lot of drug talk in the Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. Maybe he wouldn't relate and he would stay away and wouldn't come back.

Well, you know what? I'm 18 1/2 years sober and I work every single day. I stand on the firing line every single day. I work with newcomer Alcoholics, hundreds and thousands of them. In 18 1/2 years, I have never, ever heard somebody say that they are not coming back to Alcoholics Anonymous because they went to a meeting and they heard some drug talk there and they didn't relate. I have never heard that

we have buried literally thousands of Alcoholics who came to Alcoholics Anonymous and never heard that it had to include alcohol and all other mind altering substances. Now let me ask you this, in this room of approximately 300 people here tonight, let me ask you this, is there anybody in the room

that Justin only drank alcohol that didn't do anything else other than drink alcohol?

123456789101112131415 pretty good. 15 out of 300. It's not very many and if we all left, you'd be very lonely.

And you're going to be.

But I'm really glad you're here. See,

I got to Alcoholics Anonymous on January the 15th 1983. Broke, busted, disgusted and not to be trusted,

depleted in every department, not knowing what was wrong with me. And I never heard that it was all mind ordering substances. I heard alcohol, Alcoholics, Alcoholics, Alcoholics Anonymous.

So I never drank from the very first day. Never drank again. Still haven't. From January the 15th 1983 to today are not a drop of alcohols past my lips.

Now, January the 15th 1983 was the last time I drank. But I don't celebrate my clean and sober birthday on January the 15th, 1983 because in Alcoholics Anonymous, though I never drank again, I carried on doing all the other things I do, not hearing that I shouldn't. I never heard that I shouldn't be doing it, so I carried on doing it.

I wasn't drinking, but I carried on smoking pot because I smoke pot. Anybody here smoke a little pot?

Anybody smoke a lot? No shit.

So I carried on doing it. I wasn't drinking. I was in Alcoholics Anonymous, not drinking. I do lots of other things. I like lots of things. I smoke pot. I take speed, crystal crank. Anybody here take a little speed crystal crank? Anybody take a lot? Oh, good. Did he make your Dick disappear too?

Yeah,

Oh, yeah. I'd fire up a bunch of crystal speed crank. I could go out and talk. Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk like this. Talk to you lovely ladies. I might as well have said to you lovely ladies, you want to come home with me and we'll talk about sex. There's no chance of getting any.

It's funny how the ladies are laughing at that.

All the guys are going on me. Rock on, Tommy. Yeah, Ladies are going. Yeah,

but I do that. But I mean, Alcoholics Anonymous, not drinking. So I carry on doing it. I like cocaine. Anybody do a little cocaine? Anybody do a lot? Yeah, no shit. I like cocaine. I do anything but cocaine. Set pay for it. I don't like paying for it. I don't like paying for it. I like heroin. I shoe heroin. I love heroin. I don't care if I puke on you. I'm a puker. I don't care.

I so I mean Alcoholics Anonymous, not drinking, but doing all the rest of the stuff that I do, not knowing that I shouldn't be doing it and not hearing. I shouldn't be hearing it even if people were saying it. And for four months after get here,

I don't hear that. It's all mind ordering chemicals 'cause I'm in Alcoholics Anonymous. Well, the guy who 12 stepped me, the guy who'd introduced me to recovery record 12 Step in.

He was an English rock'n'roll singer and he'd been out on tour in United States.

And he came to that meeting that I went through, that first ever meeting that I went to, and he showed up at this meeting one day and he took one look at me and he said, Mick, what the hell happened to you? I said, what do you mean? He said, I used to call in every day and folk told me you were doing good, you were going to meetings, you were staying sober. I said I'm sober six weeks.

He said you're wet. I said, what do you mean I'm wet? He said you're off the wall.

What are you on? I said nothing, I ain't on nothing, he said. You can't be like that on nothing.

What did you do since you got up this morning? I said the same as I do every morning. What? He said. I said I woke up and I smoked a joint. He said what

I said I always smoke a doobie before I get up. We had some good indie kebab come in over the weekend. He said you can't do that. I said, what do you mean I can't do that? He said it's a mind ordering chemical. I said no it's not, it's pot,

he said. What a Dick, keep coming back for Christ sake, he said. I said screw you. It don't mean part. It's alcohol. It's alcoholic synonymous. It's not pot, it's not, it's alcohol. He won't keep coming back, he said.

I went screw you.

I like pot. I ain't got a problem with pot. Pot only does two things to me. It makes me horny and makes me hungry. Nothing wrong with that.

Well, sometimes you wake up with a sore arm and a bed full of pizza crust, but apart from there?

Oh, you. Oh, you know what I mean, huh? No.

Well, for the new folk in here tonight, I want you to know 18 years later, I've changed.

I don't eat pizza in bed anymore,

but I do, you see? And I'm doing all this other stuff, not knowing it. And I'm completely insane in Alcoholics Anonymous, not drinking, doing other things. Now you think I knew that I was insane? I never knew I was insane. You think I knew I was giving God the finger? I never knew I was giving God the finger. You think I knew anything? I never knew. I never had a clue. I thought I was doing everything right,

but I wasn't seeing it wasn't until four months later.

At the time that I was getting sober, January 15, 1983, some other of my friends and Alcoholics in Alcoholics Anonymous was starting a fellowship called Cocaine Anonymous. Now I hear that you don't have Cocaine Anonymous here in Iceland, but you know, we may start a meeting or not. We don't know yet, probably. Anyway, at that time

Johnny and a couple of others were starting Cocaine Anonymous,

and of course Johnny was rewriting the format from the Alcoholics Anonymous book using the 12 steps out of Alcoholics Anonymous. These are Alcoholics starting Cocaine Anonymous as in 1953 Alcoholics in Alcoholics Anonymous started Narcotics Anonymous. See Narcotics Anonymous in 1953 was started by Alcoholics in a meeting in North Hollywood where I'm also from

in, in Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. They started

Narcotics anonymous as per 1983 late 808283 Alcoholics in Alcoholics Anonymous started cocaine Anonymous. And at that time, Johnny was a friend of mine who who was the founder and, and later, incidentally, just a year and a half ago with 17 years of clean time, Oded and died 17. He founded and started Cocaine Anonymous. And yet because he got away from this thing, he odied and died. And I

great deal. And I'm, I'm very sad about that. This good, good man, good friend. But this disease got him, man. This disease got him. And that, that's another story. But you know, when he was riding the, the, the steps for cocaine Anonymous, he rode out the first step. We are powerless over cocaine and all other mind altering substances. In fact, Cocaine Anonymous is the only fellowship that has that in their steps. No other fellowship say that. And, and when he was writing it out, I said, Oh, no,

John, no, John, you can't write that. Cocaine and all other mind ordering substances. This is Cocaine Anonymous. It's cocaine. We are powerless over cocaine. That allies had become unmanageable. He said, no, Mick, it's cocaine and all other mind ordering chemicals. I said, no, it's not John. I'm in Alcoholics Anonymous and they don't say it. I, I go to Alcoholics Anonymous and I don't drink, but I still do all the other things. He said, yes, that's why you're crazy,

see? And that's what that was the truth and didn't know. And four months later, completely, totally insane in so much pain. I couldn't stand it in Alcoholics Anonymous not drinking with no program. And I got news for you.

If you're an alcoholic in Alcoholics Anonymous with no program, you will eventually reach a stage where you will getting so much pain that you will hurt so bad that you will have to drink again because the pain of being sober will be too intense for you. The pain, sober people, everybody who relapses does that. Stone cold sober.

Stone cold sober. We have insane thoughts followed by insane actions

and we use again. Totally, completely clean and sober. We do insane things. I've been incarcerated many, many times. I can't remember how many times they've released me from various institutions. Every single time they release me. I was as physically clean and sober as I stand before you right now. I've been physically clean and sober many, many times.

Never once did I have a spiritual fellowship, have a foundation, have a program, have a way of life so that I didn't have to go back to doing all the stuff that I'm used to doing,

didn't have a replacement for what I gave up. So I went back and did it. And here I am in Alcoholics Anonymous bringing this message to you now. Yes, it's Alcoholics Anonymous and yes, we're talking about alcohol and alcoholism, but we have to apply it to all other mind altering substances. Otherwise you will go so insane that the alcohol and the drugs will become enmeshed and you will have to drink again. And I don't know about you,

but when I did drugs,

I don't know of an alcoholic who did drugs that thinks he's less of an alcoholic because he used drugs. I don't know one, not one ever. Every alcoholic that I know that did drugs was like more of an alcoholic, not less. And it has to include all other mind ordering chemicals. Otherwise I'm giving God the finger again. And I don't know, I'm giving God the finger again. I don't know because in our beautiful book, the book tells me

our thought life will be on a much higher plane for after all, God gave us brains to use. Well, if he gave me a brain to use, he gave me a brain he wants me to have. Well, I tell you what time myself in and make a conscious contact with God If I'm giving him the finger by taking a mind altering substance. If he gave me a mind that he wants me to have and I'm taking something to change that mind and change what it does so that what I'm not accepting what he gave,

what else would you call it other than saying screw you

can't get any recovery doing that. So if you're an alcoholic here tonight, an alcoholic, listen to me alcoholic. I'm not talking about non Alcoholics. I'm talking about Alcoholics in Alcoholics Anonymous have to abstain from all mind altering chemicals that affect you from the neck up. It's a requirement in order to get the recovery. I hope you hear that. I hope you don't end up like I was

four months later. Totally and completely insane in alcoholic synonymous. And they say there's no greater pain than an alcoholic who goes out

and drinks again and has a belly full of booze and a head full of AI. But I got news for you. I'll give you pain. Worse than that. You stick around here, you get clean and sober in Alcoholics Anonymous without a head full of AA, and you will hurt. You will hurt like you don't want to hurt. Don't threaten me with Dead. Bring on Dead. Dead will be a welcome release, but I won't have the balls to kill myself. And I ain't got the guts to live

alcoholism, untreated alcoholism. But we have a way out. We have a way out that we can absolutely agree upon. I don't know that you guys had to teach me that.

I don't know nothing. You guys start talking about turn it over to God, let go and let God pray to God. I said what? Pray to God? If I pray to him, he'll know where I am.

Why would I pray to a God that was going to strike me blind for playing with the Ding a Ling?

I wasn't gonna pray no God. I mean, because my warped mind, you know, I've abandoned God and spirituality in the alcoholism addiction. I've abandoned God along the path of life years and years ago, long before I realized it. I've abandoned God and spirituality so that I end up with none. Isn't it strange? I ask folk. I say, hey, where's that God that you say you got? You're laying in the gutter drinking and drugging. Where's that God

you say you got? Your God allows that. Oh, well, I turned away from God. I turned my back on God. I'd abandoned God. I had no contact with God. I had given up on God. Wait a minute. You got a God that you can just turn away from and will allow you to act like that? What kind of a God's that you can turn away from God, Abandoned God, Disconnect from God so that you can drink?

Isn't it strange that you can turn away from God so you can drink, but you can't turn away from a disease

so that you don't drink? Isn't that strange? Wow.

Whoa. See, I never knew this. I never had a clue about this. I never knew that I was powerless over a disease that had me in the grips of an obsession and a phenomenon and a craving, a twofold disease. I don't know this. I have no clue about this. You guys had to teach me. You guys had to show me. And you did. You showed me and took me aside and taught me. And you taught me what to do and you taught me how to do it, and you taught me what was wrong with me. Today, my name is Mickey Bush.

I'm an alcoholic. I'm an Alcoholic's Anonymous meeting. I know what's wrong with me and I know what to do about it. And I never knew that when I got here on January the 15th, 1983. I know who I am, what I am, where I ought to be, what's wrong with me and what to do about it. I never knew that when I got here, I knew my name. Mickey Bush,

Mickey Bush. Think about it. Mickey Bush. Mickey Bush puts me somewhere between a mouse and a president.

And I'm really grateful my name ain't Harry.

Can you imagine going through life with a name like Harry Bush?

Maybe you didn't know that. People don't understand that, William. It's a very sick situation. Yeah,

see, but I don't know this. I don't know what's wrong with me, and I don't know what to do about it. And I don't know that I'm powerless. I don't know that along the path of life I've abandoned God and spirituality. Now I got a spiritual malady as a result of having this disease. I got a spiritual malady. People talk about a threefold disease, obsession of the mind, physical, allergy, mental, physical and spiritual. Spiritual is not part of the disease.

Spiritual is a result of the disease, not part of the disease.

It's a spiritual solution, not a spiritual problem. As a result of the disease, I've abandoned God in spirituality. So do I got none and become powerless over alcohol? I don't know that you think I know that I don't know that I'm powerless over alcohol. What does that mean? Well, I tell you,

alcohol that I'm powerless over. I'm powerless over it, but it's not powerless over me. I can't beat it, but it can and does beat me. So consequently, there's a power greater than me. Alcohol. Well, what does it mean to be powerless? Well, a result of being powerless is that alcohol makes me do what I already don't want to do. I don't want to do it, but I got a disease that does,

and that disease that does is more powerful than my desire not to. Now the only requirement for membership is a desire to quit drinking. Now it's the only requirement for membership, a desire to quit drinking. You've got to have a desire, but you can't rely on it. You've got to have a design. It's like hope. You can have hope, but you can't rely on it. You got to have a desire to quit. And then do these steps in this work so that I don't do what I,

he don't want to do. And if I don't know what these steps in this work is, all I'm not doing these steps in this work, I will do what I don't want to do because the disease I got that I'm powerless over will make me do what I don't want to do. I'll do it, but it's a disease making me do it. You think I knew that when I got here? I never knew that. Why would I know that? I don't know nothing.

I think I know everything when I'm drinking. I'll tell you anything.

I know everything. You wanna know how the space shuttle blew up? I'll tell you, 'cause I know. In fact, I only miss being on it. By that much I should have been on it.

I'll tell you anything. When I'm drinking, I know everything. I actually don't know nothing about nothing,

but I think I do. So

when I get here, I have to learn like the book says, like the program says, I learn I'm powerless. Powerless means I have no power in my life when it comes to alcohol. And if God is the source and God is the power over everything and I'm powerless, I have no God to turn things over to. I have no God to let go and let go to. I'm powerless. That's why it's so important that we understand what hitting bottoms all about. And hitting bottom ain't mentioned in the beautiful book Alcoholics Anonymous,

so consequently, a lot of people don't know what it means. But hitting bottom is the process that brings the power into our life,

because until you shall render yourself powerless by the disease, the disease renders you powerless so that you have no power. It's not until you realize that and in desperation cry out for help, which is absolutely essential, that we all do that. And if you haven't done it, maybe you ain't ready. I don't know. But we found out that people that don't consciously know what their bottom was hit bottom after bottom after bottom in Alcoholics Anonymous and continue to get sicker and sicker and sicker,

you know, year in, year out, and eventually they drink again. The biggest group of people who drink and drug again after the first year, generally speaking, the first year is what we call the newcomer period. Well, obviously more people are in that first year than any other year. So there's a bigger group there like there was tonight. Now the next biggest group of people who drink and drug again is between 7:00 and 10 years.

The next biggest group 7 to 10 years. And people start drinking at 7 to 10 years based on what they weren't doing at five years.

And what they don't do at five years is what they never truly learn at 2-3 and four years as they thought they did. They believed they did and they felt they did, but they weren't. They were on the wrong path. It's like going to all the effort of climbing to the top of the ladder and getting to the top of the ladder and discovering the ladders in the wrong place.

That's what a lot of us are doing here in Alcoholics and ours. We think we're doing right. Some of our sponsors tell us we're doing right, whereas in fact we're not the ladders in the wrong place and we're doing we're doing all this in the wrong way. Like the beautiful book says, you will be surprised how the right answers come after. We have tried this for a while.

Well, if there's right answers, it must be what wrong answers and where are the right and the wrong answers in the same place right here.

Well, we got to stick with the winners, my friend. We got to learn who the winners are. We got to become one. And, and and that's, that's the weather where the work comes into it because the people who don't do the work don't become the winners. And so we need to know about that. So hitting bottom is that stage where I asked for help and help me. And I don't know that I don't know what that's all about. And when I did do that, on January the 15th, 1983,

He sent me to you. I asked for help and he sent me to you. That's why I know that God and the power are different. We're all talking about the power and getting confused with the God issue. There's no need for it. I asked for help and he sent me to you. I asked for help and he sent because here's the power. Here's the power right here. Me plus you is a power greater than me. You plus us is a power greater than you. We ain't talked about God in the first

steps. Ask yourself, where is God mentioned in the first two steps? There's no mention of God, Jesus, Buddha, Allah, Muhammad, or who else do you call it? Odin and everybody else. Who do you call it? I don't know Nordic gods or any other kind. I don't care, you know, No, no mention of a higher powers, not even mentioned power greater than self. And here it is right here. We have a fellowship right here that we can absolutely depend upon because we know when 2 Alcoholics come together for

purpose of recovery, God comes in our midst and produces a power greater than either of us. So it's produced by us, but it's greater than us and we can absolutely depend upon it. Here it is right here right now. Now in the book Alcoholics Anonymous, I don't know on this book, but on our on our 3rd edition blue book, it says on page 93 he can choose any concept of God he likes provided it makes sense to him.

Now there is a condition my friends, there's lots of conditions in here. I know the book, it's

says our book is meant to be suggestive only. Well, it may or bloody well meant to be, but it ain't. It's got clear cut, precise instructions, directions and rules to follow conditions upon us. And one of them is that he can choose any concept of God he likes, provided it makes sense to him. And you know what?

Give it to me. Give me the sense it makes to you. Give me the understanding and perception you got of a power greater than yourself that makes sense to you. Give it to me. And you know what? Most can't,

and 95% of us are not making it. 95% of the folk who get to Alcoholics Anonymous don't stay here and stay clean and sober. 95% of us get loaded and die drunk. That's too many. 95% of us are not making a program that really works. Now that's insane. There has to be reasons for that, and one of them is that most people don't have a concept that makes sense them as they say they do,

think they do, and feel they do, but they actually don't do you. It's absolutely imperative. And you know what you'll hear people say that's all right. Don't worry about that. Well meaning people, Oh, you'll get that later on. We didn't do that. Don't worry about that. And you know what? As they stay sober, you'll get drunk. Something has to mean something, doesn't it? 95% of us are not making it. Something's got to be important

and these are the things

people don't understand this message because it's being diluted and it's being bantered around and we hear things like we heard today at the workshops, well meaning treatment centres telling you don't do the steps for two years and other things. Get a dog,