Chris R. from Ingram, TX at Primary Purpose Group's 14th anniversary

My name is Chris Raymer. I'm an alcoholic.

Yes,

it's over. November 13th, 87. I'm blown away by this group. I, I did, I spoke. First time I spoke here was, I guess

this looks like something I would build,

I guess the 9th anniversary. And we didn't, I don't even remember what room we did it in, but it was like this table's worth of people right here. And it's like every year this thing just keeps getting bigger and bigger and bigger. And it's, it's an awesome thing to watch.

I am blown away. I know so many of you in this room, and I'm honored that you came out in this stupid weather to visit with us and help us celebrate this, this group's anniversary. 14 years is a It's a pretty cool thing.

I

want to talk about a few things tonight. And as always, I think I need to get into this thing, kind of ease into it. I don't want to. I don't want to make anybody cranky. I'm going to, but I don't want to.

I, I spent,

I spent the better part of the last couple years traveling, speaking. I, I, I was captain building my little date planner a while back. And I spent about 40 weekends out of the year last year traveling, doing little talks here and there, some local, some some out of country. And there's certain parts of the country that asked me back quite often. There are certain parts of the country I can't go back to.

And it always blows me away, you know, And I think there's some, some in here that have not heard me speak before. And, and I welcome I, I, I, I have some wonderful, some my best friends in the world are in this room right now. I got to tell you that I know some people in here that I would die for, literally. And, and some of you people that I'm going to meet tonight will be a part of that group. And some of you people will smile very cordially after I finish speaking and shake my hand. Thank you for sharing your experience, strength and hope that you'll walk out the doors of the little

and then you'll take my inventory all the way to Denny's and all the way to the coffee shop and then tomorrow all over Dallas, Fort Worth area and the meeting. Well, I heard this little asshole and primary purpose group last night telling us what we could share in meetings, why we couldn't share in meetings. I'm going to tell you right now, the most controversial thing I'm going to say from the podium. I'm going to say right now and get it out of the way. I'm just going to say it. We're going to talk about it. I'm going to talk about primary purpose tonight. I'm not not the necessary group, but our primary purpose, our fifth tradition and we'll talk a little bit about this. I'm going to tell you point blank right now,

and I'll take exception with anybody that wants to play this game with me. It is not your right to share anything you want in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous.

I can't, I can't tell you. I just I had this effect on mics. I don't know what it is. Is it

looks like my thing sometimes.

Come on, baby work. I know. Really,

holy moly. I having said that, we'll get it out of the way and just get on down the road. See, I'm, I need to tell you where I'm coming from. And as always, anytime I speak or any of my tapes, a lot of you guys have never heard me speak, but you've heard my roads of Texas are littered with my tapes.

And now they're littered with my CDs And CDs are out there everywhere now too, you know, and you can see them, you know, if you, if you're, if you're working the program and you're active in the fellowship, you, you love this stuff. You listen to them before you go into meetings and, and then go in there and shoot people and stuff. And it's just, it's great. It's great. But if you're not working the program, you find them very, very offensive. And let me, let me tell you what I'm doing. This is my nickel up here. You all asked me to come up here and speak and participate in your, in your and that's, and that's what I'm going to do and anything I'm going to share from this podium, guys

can take it or leave it. I mean, I'm down with that. But I, I just, I'm a chronic relapser and I've talked about this 1000 times. It was interesting when Cliff said, how many of you guys have more than one sobriety date? It's like, it's like all his hands went up. We looked like we were doing the wave out here. You know, it's like, it's like, but you know, but, but, but that is inherently what the problem is, you see, because this program was designed so that you can come in here, hear the solution and not ever drink again.

But you see, when I first came to this fellowship in 1980

up in North Texas, 81, I guess in North Texas, I didn't hear the solution. There's two things going on here when you hear me talk a lot about it. There's the fellowship, that's this room. And then there's the program. You're with us. The program is, is a thing called the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. It's the 164 pages that primary purpose studies when they meet on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturday nights. This is this is what they study. It's the literature. But you see, in 1980 or 81, whenever it was I, I've missed

decade here, guys, I don't know, I mean, not this drinking almost killed me. And I, when I went to these meetings, what I heard was not the program. What I heard was the fellowship. And there was nothing wrong with the fellowship. There were people in that room that loved me and cared whether I got sober and they were happy. Some of them, you know, but the message that was going to change my life was not shared with me. And that's, that's the only place that I'm coming from. I do clerical work at a treatment center and folks and I and I am on the firing line of, of, of

disease on a daily basis. I'm not a counselor or a therapist. I won't license because the minute I do, it will color the way I can talk to a drunk. And the day that I can't get in front of a drunk and say you're the most selfish, self-centered son of a bitch on earth is the day I need to go someplace else. You'll follow what I'm saying. No, we got to get straight here guys, because that's the root of our problem. It says on page 62, the root of my problems is that I'm so selfish. I think I'm the only one that's right in the place. You know, I understand you nice people need to work the steps, but you know, my case is a little different.

But you see, but that's what nearly killed me. That's what nearly killed me. Because until I do the things necessary to get connected to God, I'm not going to have this thing called a necessary spiritual experience. And if I don't have the spiritual experience, folks, I'm not going to get sober.

I'm going to mention this right now, folks. And I know that there's a lot of you in here that are duly diagnosed. And we're here in an A, a meeting. We're going to talk about alcohol. We're not going to talk about those others. Glendale would say those other issues. But I'm going to tell you folks, if you happen to be addicted to one of those other issues and you are in these fellowships messing around with it, you're going to die. You're going to die. And there's a lot of laughter in this room. There's a lot of fun in this program. But underneath is the absolute certainty that you are going to continue. If the desire to drink or do those other things stays with me,

I'm going to do it. This idea, folks, please, this idea that we here in treatment that you can somehow magically keep yourself sober is so is so ludicrous. It's hard for me even to because the book is quite why. Perhaps let's just go to that textbook.

Here's one of the reasons that I couldn't stay sober. Now, some of you cats, you all heard me read some of this before. And so I'm going to, I'm going to touch it real quickly on a, on a page or two that I find quite useful.

This is too good on page 155 and there's a little chapter called A vision for you. OK,

pretty cool. You know, it's a it's one of the best chapters in the in the thing. Some of you got your books, you can read it. It's it's where Bill Wilson is talking about making his first approach is he was doing a 12 step call on this cat named doctor Bob, right, co-founder of Alcoholics Anonymous, proctologist extraordinaire. So I understand. So

the sentence says he y'all got I mean y'all got to see the humor in this. I mean this is where we got our roots buddy. And out of work stockbroker and a butt doctor. I mean,

I've said it, but I mean, I love it. This. We're God's laughing big, I tell you. Here's what it says on page 155. It says he had a desperate desire. Let me check my time real quick. Make sure I don't want to run over. He had a desperate desire to stop. He's talking about Doctor Bob, but saw no way out, for he had earnestly tried many avenues of escape. Painfully aware of being somehow abnormal.

Duh. The man did not fully realize what it meant to be alcoholic. Now I'm going to submit something to you that most of you not can't say in this group, but a lot of people that I do talks in front of aren't fully aware of what it is to be alcoholic. They're quite aware of what it is to be a problem drinker.

They got a pretty good idea what it feels like to have their butt on fire and knowing that if it doesn't get put out pretty quick, they're going to jail. You know what I'm saying? They're going to get divorced. They're going to lose their babies. They they understand what what the pain of this disease has caused them around them,

but they don't fully understand what it is to be an alcoholic. And this is the tragedy in our fellowship is that we don't have enough, enough people in our fellowships trying to convey that message because we're too busy talking about

don't do it. I'm I'm no, no, I'm not no,

no, no. I got people come to the hospital and say, well, Chris, we'd like to hear one of your tapes, but we don't want any with a cussing on it. And I just kind of look at them like,

can you edit it? I don't know what to tell you. I sometimes we're too busy talking about everybody else's issues. And This is why this gets so controversial. We got a fellowship of men and women who have squeaked under the door by coming and using a, a as a therapy group. And they've managed to put some sobriety together. So they assume that the poor schmuck behind them should be able to do it.

We don't even know if they're real alcoholic. So do we.

The traditions that we read in front of every meeting, everybody reads them and they go, yes, this is a great group. We adhere to the traditions. We read the traditions. We're such a great group. We're such a great group. And then they open the open discussion meeting, and then the first thing out of their stupid mouths is, well, who's got the problem?

Jeez, didn't we just read a tradition that says that we were here to talk about one thing and one thing only, and that's your problem with alcohol, and now we're going to open it up so we can talk about anything under the sun.

And then we wonder,

while people don't stay in our fellowship,

why should they? They came here to recover from alcoholism and all they did was hear you talk about your stupid divorce one more time.

And this is, I mean, I'm going to read this to you, but I mean, This is why this is so controversial when I speak from the podium. I just did an anniversary talk SA town here not long ago and we talked about this same stuff. And I'm going to tell you something folks, there was no laughter in that room. When I'm talking like this, there's dead silence. And they are not happy with what I've got to say because, because if you look at the schedule, it's nothing but

open discussion meetings that it's a format to come talk about your, your stupid problems. And then what happens is

after the meeting, everybody comes up with the stuff that we just talk about a nice little girl at this. Well, I just, I just love what you had to say. And I'm watching her is just

except for one or two points.

And I didn't say I'm just looking because she's going to tell me. I don't have to ask her. She's going to explain to me what points she didn't like about the talk.

Well, this, this piece about not being able to share your, your problems of the day. I mean, I realize that we just, we just have these problems and we just need a place to come, come share that. And I, I just, you know, I mean, this is so ingrained in our fellowship. It's just like heresy when you say that it is not OK to come in and belly. I mean, you, you stand up here, look at look at you right now. Some of you are catching flies. Like how come this little skinny guy stand up there and say that it's not OK to talk about my problems in meetings. It's real easy.

I'll say it again, it's not OK to talk about your problems in meeting.

Unbelievable unpaste. I I jotted this down on page 25, bottom of the page on page 25. We're going to go real quick here guys don't worry about this. We're going to turn this into a step setting. It's it's one of my favorite lines and it says talks about no middle of the road solution. But it says it says

if we have passed into this region.

Let me read the whole pair. We were in a position where life was becoming impossible. And if underline it, if you got your book, if we had passed into the region, which there was no return to human aid and that and Bill Wilson, give us some choice here. If you can get sober on a non spiritual basis, then go do it. If what you need is some good therapy and a pat on a butt and go back to the gym and change your diet and eat another antidepressant, then just go do that. And then just don't drink anymore.

But and if you can do that, Hallelujah. But you're not an alcoholic,

because the book Real Clear here on page 25 says Real Clear. If there's no return through human aid, we have two alternatives. One was to go on the bitter end, lotting out the consciousness of our intolerable situation. That means keep drinking or as best we could. Or the other was to accept spiritual help you with us.

One of the most powerful one of the most powerful lines in the book is this one right here and I'll quit reading for a minute so you guys don't have your bookle wake up again. For those who are unable to drink moderately, the question is how to stop altogether. We're on page 34. We're assuming, of course, that the reader desires to stop. Now there's a bunch of you in this room that are Alcoholics and addicts in this room. You're in and out of a 1000 times. The bottom line is you don't want to stop. You want people to you want people to get off your your butt. You want the pain to go away, but you've got you're not going to quit taking them drugs. You're not going to stop drinking.

Have a nice life.

And Bill Wilson understands that. He's saying point blank, guys, if you if you want to. OK, here it is. Whether such a person can quit up on a non spiritual basis depends upon the extent to which he's already lost the power to choose whether he's going to do this or not.

Power choice. Didn't say a dead gum thing about whether or not my wife was going to come back or not. Didn't say anything about whether I got the kids or whether the adoption came through or though I got the money or I saw my little childhood of origin issues. It said point blank this, that if you're an alcoholic and an addict, there's only one way to get sober, and that's through a means of thing called a spiritual experience. Now our job as a group

is a fellowship,

is to help you find your truth.

Are you one of us or not?

Guy comes into my treatment center and he says, he says he goes through a 30 day deal, he leaves, he gets drunk, comes back, goes through a 30 day deal, leaves, goes, he's drunk, comes back. Third time in there he's saying the same thing. Well, you know, I know I'm an alcoholic.

You're a liar. You're a liar if you know you're an alcoholic, folks, if deep down inside you, you know you're an alcoholic. There's a line in the book that says there can be no lurking notion. And listen, folks, I'm going to tell you something. We got a fellowship full of people that still have a lurking notion. Can't you just see this little guy? What a lurking notion. Looks like

those bastards got horns. I can tell you that

because I had a lurking notion for 18 years. I knew at 20 years old that I was an alcoholic and an addict because I knew that my butt was on fire. I was drinking just like my dad and it was jeopardizing my job, my career. I was in the food business. I was a professional chef. It was jeopardizing my health. It was certainly jeopardizing my love life, guys. I mean,

and we laugh about it all the time. My brother, one time, he finally just said, Chris, you need to stop bringing your girlfriends over the house. They're scaring the kids.

I haven't had a tendency to.

It wasn't that I went out looking for ugly women. It wasn't like that at all. It was just, it was just that when you're so unwholesome, I mean, you know you, that's what you attract is beasts. I don't know,

but in the back of my mind, you see, in the back of my mind, there's this lurking notion that my case is different. There's a lurking notion is that is, is that we've all done this, guys. How many of y'all done this? As soon as I can get the debts paid off, I'll quit. As soon as I can get the real job, I'll quit. As soon as I graduate, I'll quit. As soon as we can sell the business, I'll quit. As soon as we can have children, I'll quit. And we just go. There's a lurking notion here, folks. There's a lurking notion that you're different. The truth is, guys, I had alcoholism and and we knew what the solution was back then,

but I never could get the solution, never could get that transmitted to me. Everybody wants to say when you got here in 82, Chris, surely you must have heard the message someplace. I've never heard the message. I never heard the message. We didn't carry big books to work to to the meetings with us. We didn't care. We didn't go to big book studies. We went to open discussion meetings where we talked about the issue de jour.

We we talk nonstop, non-stop. What is Let me let me get this real quick.

What is an alcoholic

Manic.

If I went to the hospital where I work right now, there's 90 people on campus right now. And if I went to every single one of them and ask them, do you know what an alcoholic is? Every single one of them say you're damn right it's me, I'm an alcoholic. Same story, second verse. Now explain to me what an alcoholic is. Well, I've had 60 Wis.

I'd suggest some driving courses. I don't know,

learn how to drive better. I don't know. I mean, sixty. Well, I've been divorced. I've been this, I've been this, I've been at you and tell me all of the drama that takes place after you pick up a drink. But that is not what an alcoholic is. The book is quite clear in the first pages. We spend the 1st 60 pages talking about what it is to be an alcoholic in order to discover whether or not we need to be here or not. You see, we've got this idea that this is some kind of social deal. That's back to the fellowship. Come join our fellowship. Let me, let me, let me put this a little clearer for you.

Come join our fellowship if you need to be here. If you don't go away,

if you're not a member of Al Anon or you're you're not an alcoholic who's suffering from this disease, go away because all you're doing is killing people with your stupid opinions and you got nothing to share anyway because you can't identify with a dad gum thing that's going on in these rooms. Makes sense.

We've got 200 other 12 step groups out there to go to coincide with any problem you've got, you know, and if you don't happen to have a problem with alcohol, beat it. I listen, I'll tell you straight, I know there's a lot more sobriety in AA. It's a great, it's a great fellowship. The women are are drop dead gorgeous and the fellowship you can't be, that's a fact. But I'm telling you point blank, we don't want you here. If you don't need to be here,

come with me afterwards. Let's go to Denny's and be buddies if you happen to be good looking. My divorce was final two weeks ago.

Let's go,

Let's go visit.

I'm a little rusty, but I ain't dead. So let's go. Let's get this in. But I'm but I'm but, but, but I don't need you in my meetings. I don't need you in my meetings talking, talking crap. I don't need you in the meetings talking about where you're at today. I don't. Nor does the fellowship care where you're at today. You understand this. Alcoholics Anonymous is not a process group where you're going to share where you're at.

Where you're at is selfish and self-centered to the core. What we care about is where that other person is at. And he's drinking today and he's hurting and he needs a solution. Are you willing to pick up a book and come carry the message of hope to him? If you are, stick with us. If you're not,

go away.

With all the love I can muster for you, with all the love and kindness, I can just go away.

We got troubles in Alcoholics Anonymous, folks. We got big troubles in Alcoholics Anonymous. My sponsor says it better. We've got killing things going on in Alcoholics Anonymous. We got too many people coming into this fellowship believing and they can share anything they want and they do. Only problem is that the stuff that they're sharing has got absolutely, absolutely no basis in reality with what this book tried to tell us 67 years ago. We're not going to talk about the truth. We're going to talk about somebody stupid ass opinions about what you need to do about your drinking or your relationships or your family or whatever. And folks were killing people,

thousands out there by letting it happen.

Why am I such a big proponent and fan of primary purpose? Because they got one primary purpose. If any of you all haven't noticed this little banner that stands back in the back of this room, it's got a little tree and right in the center there's primary purpose. And then it's got all the little branches and all the little leaves of where, where, where this message is being carried back to the other treatment centers and halfway houses in the area. And folks, that's what. Can you imagine if every Alcoholics Anonymous group in Dallas, TX would do that?

Can you imagine the number of people that we can reach with a very clear message of hope, but we're too busy trying to help you have a better day so you can stay sober?

Let me ask you folks, because I'd be remiss if I did it, because I do it on every talk I've ever done in my entire life. Let me ask you cats in this room that are real Alcoholics. You, you, you do the disco drunk. She don't have to play with us if you don't want to,

but but you real Alcoholics, you can play with me here. How many of you catch, drank and drug when everything was going great in your life?

Pick me. How many you were drinking and Duggan when everything was going crappy in your life? When you had a lot of money, No money, big car, just leave them up

and that's what we do like every day you do it. It's like, it's like if you if you're drinking when

there's a story in the book about Jim the Carswell's when he says he came to work on Tuesday morning is the dead giveaway Tuesday. What's the

what's what's significant about Tuesday morning?

It's like it's just another day of mourning. So it's nothing significant about Tuesday morning. When did you need an excuse to drink?

Drinking is not causal, folks. If, if something out there you're bad, marriage, the health, the trauma in your life is that if that's what's caused you to drink, then you need a good therapist and you need to go away. You need to go get well and go away. But if you want to, folks, look at your truth based on your experience having things been going great in your life and you still found an excuse to go drink and things are crappy in your life and you still got an excuse. The last thing you needed to do, friends, was go drink. But you did it anyway, didn't you?

That's the disease. That's alcoholism. The big book says if you can control the crap once you put it in your body, if you can guarantee me how much you're going to drink every time, you're not one of us. Ask yourself right now, point blank, were there times that you still have to drink a couple of beers and ended up drinking

half at Houston? I know. Really I know. No, no. Wasn't there times that you set up to drink 2 beers and ended up having 4 beers? Yeah,

you need to really look at what we're talking about here because that's one of the main symptoms, this lack of control. There's a line in the book that says it's a great obsession of every abnormal user to be able to control. So y'all can quote it comma and enjoy your drinking. How many of you guys have ever been asked to control it?

You got a wife sitting next to you kicking your head right now? Yeah, I told you. Yeah. And did you enjoy it

My remember so you remember my first wife was here in Denton when I first got sober. We tried to get sober. She was long gone by the time I got sober. But when she she used to, she went to a therapist and counselor said the reason Chris gets drunk is because he,

he drinks too fast.

I would do it. I would do it and I because that's the truth. And your body will metabolize alcohol at a certain rate. And so if you could slow your drinking down and like drink, she had it figured out. Christian, you can have one drink an hour and your body will metabolize it and you won't get squashed. You follow me. Honest to God, this is and she had a little little timer, a little stopwatch and we go to a party. She was a hairdresser. She's the sweetest can be. And she we go to a party and and it was and she would go OK. And I

beard, I look at it like that and she would go,

click,

you don't think I'm good? And you're on that line. I'm sitting there drinking a minute and all I can hear is this click, click, click, click, click. You do. It's like, it's like Captain Hook deal, you know, it's like tick tock, tick tock. And I just, I can hear it all over the room because I know and I'm watching the clock and I can't get out of and I'm gradually irritable, restless and discontent. You know, I'm so pissed and everybody else is drinking and everybody else,

we have to leave there.

They're doing cocaine in the backroom. We have to get out of here before we get arrested. Now come on, guys. If I was let, I'd be back there with them.

But because I can't drink and drug like I want to, because I'm timing it now I'm irritable, restless and discontent. Great obsession of every abnormal user to be able to control and enjoy his drinking. I can't. I can control it and everybody in this room is controlled at certain times. Haven't you? And this is what you always go back to. Well, I remember back in 1972 I said no, that's a bit of a stretch, don't you think? When you can go back and remember the one time you set out to drink one beer and did it.

The second piece that starts talking about guys on page 24 and it says this is the most controversial stuff I talk about from the podium. It says one thing and one thing only. It says that we are without defense against the first drink.

Can you choose to stop and make it stick?

What's your truth based on your experience? God, I wish somebody in 1981 had sat down with me and asked me these questions. They didn't. They asked me how many DW is I'd had, how many times I've been arrested. Did I black out? Did I piss my pants? What are you nuts? Of course not.

That's why. That's why I don't subscribe to this stuff that we, we hear people in our meetings talking about the stupid yet.

Oh, but those things haven't happened to you yet. And I'm sitting there, you know, thinking, you know, buddy, I'd commit suicide before those things would happen to me. They'll never happen to me because I'm not like you.

Instead, we could have gone back to the literature and said, Crystal, buddy, were there time she drank more than you intended? Yeah. Were there times that you said that you'd stop and didn't pull it off? Yeah. You're suffering from a disease called alcoholism, about 15% of this country suffering from it. And he's going to kill you if you don't get well now, buddy, that's a first step experience that'll bring you full circle.

Forget the stupid drama. We got people killing people all over this town, talking their stupid war stories from the podium, talking their stupid war stories. You know what? You know where you need to tell your war story? Anybody want to jump out there and guess?

Book tells you

12 step call.

You're making a 12 step call. Go armed with your stories so you can help that person identify. If you're sitting in an A meeting, shut up.

How dare you tell a war story in a meeting?

Let me put it another way.

Who the hell do you think you are

telling that war story in that meeting?

Do you know everybody in that, in that meeting,

do you know what they've been through?

You're just going to take a chance that somebody can identify with what you're saying. We've got the solution, exactly what alcoholism is and how to recover from it,

but we're not going to get around to that because you're going to tell your stupid,

stupid,

weak, weak war story one more time

as I bore you with the time that I crawled into a dumpster to get my dinner in 1976.

The nice professional woman on the front row will get up, get her purse and leave

because she can't relate to that.

And I talk about how many times I've been arrested.

The young adults will all start giggling, get up, go get coffee because I've lost them.

You know folks, my intentions were good. What I was trying to do was help you identify. But you see the book doesn't say in the in the 1st 60 pages if you want to help an alcoholic tell them your stupid stories. It says on a 12 step call. If you're trying to get somebody that knows nothing about the fellowship and want to get them interested, share a few stories about yourself. Get them pumped up about this thing, let them identify a little bit, then bring them to a meeting and share the solution.

We're too busy over and over and over trying to scare the newcomers.

Recovery. That's why it's not working. How do we know it's not working?

Absolutely. Look at the statistics. We just ask you one more time, how many of you cats in here have relapsed? Raise your hand most of the room. That's why it's not working. I've got a hospital that's full of people. There's about five of those people in the hospital right now that I did the stats on on Friday. Five of those people, five of those people are brand new in the fellowship, have never been to a A before. The rest of them, they've been to a A before. Why haven't they been able to stay sober?

Bullshit. Because they're not hearing the solution in the meetings. What they're hearing is more war stories. Friends, please. We know how to get drunk. We know how to make fools of ourselves. We know how to do stupid things. We know what the pain is like. Can you tell me? Can you do me what the chapter I just read out pull me with a vision of how cool life's going to be in sobriety? Can you give me some hope so I don't walk out of this room and commit suicide?

Folks, Alcoholics and addicts drink because we have a thing inside called a spiritual sickness

and it talks about it quite clearly in the book on three or four pages, on page 52, one of them, and on page 64 it says another one. It says real clearly that when the spiritual maladies overcome, we straighten out physically and mentally. But until the spiritual malady is overcome, we're not going to get well. And no human can fix the spiritual malady. God fixes the spiritual malady. That's the only reason we work the steps folks, is to get connected to God. You think this is some kind of stupid self help program? It is not.

It's a spiritual program of action where men and women

help each other stay on the spiritual path by working the steps. If you were in this room and you are not actively working the steps, you are not in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. You're in the fellowship. And you wonder why your life is so unsatisfactory. You wonder why you continue to have troubles, why you can't stay sober, why you, why you're constant odds with everybody around you.

Because you're not working the steps

in 1987 after a suicide attempt. Folks, I'm in and out of the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous.

I have picked up I don't know how many desired chips.

The depression is killing me. I'm taking dozen antidepressants. I don't know how many pills. At one time I was taking 8 pills a day antidepressant. I was working for my twin brother in a in a, in a binary they've got there. He was letting me work back in out in the warehouse. If it hadn't been for him, I'd have been on the street because I couldn't hold down a job anymore.

Alcohol was kicking my butt. Beer, beer

couldn't stop, could stop short periods of time. And then the internal condition would become so uncomfortable. My mind would say, Chris, you got to, you got to drink or die here, buddy. And I'd start drinking again. Physical allergy would kick in again and I couldn't control how much and I'd be drunk again. And that's that was that was that was the route and I just couldn't keep doing it. And in 1987, I went home. I'll never forget that night, whole November night. And I went home.

I remember I tried to call Myers to tell him I was leaving.

No furniture,

no personal belongings. I've got a little place to live. Thank God for that.

And I went to that apartment, colder than hell in there, didn't even bother to turn the heat on. I went straight to the medicine cabinet and got all those pills out and drank me a bottle of Black Label and those pills because I was going to go bye bye. Halfway through that process, I heard this little voice. I've said it 1000 times, I have no idea what I heard. I heard God say somebody say the next door neighbor say who knows, don't do it,

go back to Alcoholics Anonymous.

And I remember verbally saying that night Alcoholics Anonymous, those losers. I if I never sit in another meeting and listen to a bunch of people sitting around whining about their problems again, it'll be too soon for me. And I heard the voice again go back to Alcoholics Anonymous. The next night I walked into a group up in Lewisville, TX. Cold November night. I told the story 1000 times. I walked in the back door, folks.

They were all carrying big books and they were all talking about God in the steps.

I've had some people in those meetings say, Chris, that's not the way it came down. That's exactly how I remembered it. Jim was there later on weeks. Within a few weeks, I met Jim, some of the other cats that are in this room, Mike Barnes and Man to Man conference that first year. I'm going to tell you something folks. The people in this room absolutely changed my life.

Those steps saved my life.

Those people got around me that night and they said, Chris, you're going to recover from alcoholism and drug addiction if you will try to do the work. And I said, you can't recover. You're always going to be recovering

and he said Chris, old buddy, it's time that we got something real clear.

Bill Fields was a guy.

Up to this point. You've played in this program. We're going to tell you now how this thing works. The book says that you're going to recover. Millions of us have recovered. You can, too. Even as arrogant as you are, you can too. You're less than 24 hours away from a suicide attempt, and you want to come in here and tell us what this book says. But on your own admission, you've never worked the steps. You've never done the work.

You're right, you're right, you're right. Will you be willing to work the steps rapidly and let's have a spiritual experience and your life will change? Will you be willing to do that?

Yes, yes. There was a little 19 year old girl that was sitting in there and through the whole meeting she sat right here and right here next to me and rubbed my little knee,

cleaned up. Mom spilled coffee and would not let me move. That's why I don't agree with segregating means into young adult meetings,

professional means, men's meetings and women's meetings.

That girl hadn't been there that night. I wouldn't stay. There's nothing sexual about it, folks. She loved me.

She knew that she was doing her job as a responsible member of our Politics Anonymous by sitting next to this very unwholesome man, not letting him leave. That was her job. She didn't preach. She didn't talk about the book. She sat there and smelled good.

It's pretty cool stuff. I mean, you need to tell you she's still sober today.

Two weeks later, I'm working the steps and I'm in my 4th step, my 4th column of my 4th step, where I get to look at my stuff.

I sit in the meeting and I look at my sponsor, a guy named Don. And I look at him and I said, you know something, buddy, something's changing in my life. And he says, no kidding. Look at look yourself in the mirror. He had me get up and go to the bathroom and look at myself in the mirror. And I was blown away with what I was seeing for the first time. And I can't tell you how long I was laughing. I was feeling good about myself. You follow me. Thank God. No old coot

said anything about a pink cloud.

The people in that room knew that it was God's grace and if I didn't get some hope and some passion pretty quick, I'd die. I went home that night. I told the story a million times. I went home in November night cold like well nothing's as cold as it is out there right now. I can tell you when I go speak in Edmonton, Canada, it's not that cold. I got to tell you this is freezing out. There was a cold November night up in North Texas though and I and I got out of my truck and I went out and it was old white truck. Some of y'all remember seeing it and sitting leaning on one side of the shot called busted on it and