Don C. from Colorado Springs, CO at River Roundup, Laughlin, NV

Colorado Springs.

Well, good morning, everyone. My name is Don Koyas and I'm an alcoholic

and I am a member of the Mohican Nation. I was born into the Turtle clan on my mother's side. I was born for the Coyote clan on my father's side and my Indian name is Tantanka Wambli that were given to me in 1994.

And I'd like to say I'm just really honored to be here. And I thank the committee and it's really good to be on the sacred land of the Mojave Nation in the lepayout people in in our way. We always acknowledge the sacredness of a of the land, of the, you know, of the people and and thank them for allowing me to come here. Also

our elders,

which we in our culture, we have a great respect for. They always tell us that before

anything starts that we always take the time to connect with each other. That's how we're taught. The first thing you do is you take the time to connect.

And what I mean by connecting is, is this. If I were to switch and to start speaking in my own native language, what I was going to say next would be a lot easier. Because there's certain things that we can say in our language that it's difficult in saying English because our language, when it was formed, they was formed by watching nature.

And so it's a language of relationships, how everything connects to each other,

that everything is of equal worth. And it's also a feeling language. So when we talk about interconnectedness, the word that we would use is called Natasha. And you can recognize that. I think This is why in our in our sacred steps of AAS is we, we do everything. No one does it alone, but it's we

and Natashi, how what that feeling is, It's like, it's like when you look someone in the eye, then there's a second leader. There's a feeling goes across when that spirit connects. That's Natasha. Then it says we're ready. I don't know if you've ever been married to somebody or worked for somebody, but they're looking right at you with their little corporate eye. And as you're speaking to them, you can tell that connectedness isn't there.

You know how you can tell that? And then you say you're not listening to me. Oh yes, I am.

What would I say then? They can't remember what you said. So the others, they tell us before you start to take that time to interconnect everything. And so with your permission, I will do that. And how that's done is, is like a opening, they call it.

And the first thing that we do is we put down these four colors, cloth, red, yellow, black and white.

And what those represents the four directions, E, Southwest and N that's the complete cycle from sunrise to sunset, all the seasons. But it also represents the people in the way that the elders told to us. They said when creation was made, the creator only made one race, and that's the human. That's just one. And they represent just like you have flowers, different color flowers, you have birds, different colored birds,

trees, different colored trees.

What they said is what this is that you are looking at in each human being. When we are born, we are born with the earth suit. This is just a suit by which I walk around the earth on in each human being is given that suit.

And we know that that alcohol

is not an EEO disease. It's not prejudice. It'll take who it can get. It doesn't matter what your earth suit is. It comes after us. And so we put that here for us to remember. When we look around these rooms, we see all different kinds of earth suits, but we are just a group of human beings trying to help one another stay sober and grow and come back to that, you know, to that good way. And so we put those clothes down there.

Then it helps us to have the Natasha, the connectedness.

And then what I'll do is I'll light some sage. It's a plant. We believe that every plant has a medicine, has a purpose.

Sometimes we as human beings, we sometimes discredit how the Creator made things. We see certain plants, we don't like them. We say, oh, those darn weeds, like they don't belong here. Or we see certain animals, those pests,

but they have a reason for being here. And that's what we learn in here is to respect all things. Everything has a right to be here.

And so our sage, what we do is we light that in this. How the medicine gets out of the plant is when you you light it, then the medicine that comes out and what medicine is for purification. It's like removing negative. It helps that connectedness to take place really strong. It's a medicine that that we use. And so I'll light some of this sage,

and then what I will use to spread it around is this fan.

It's for my Eagles wing. And this was given to us shortly after The White Buffalo Calf was born in Janesville, WI, a few years ago.

And the elders, they said that you share this fan. It was made when all the earth suits come together, the red, the yellow, the black and the white. When the human being comes and sets down, they said, then you bring out the fan because it's the people's fan. And So what I'll do is to light a little bit of this sage. Then it turns into smoke

and that's how the medicine comes out. And then the medicine, it traps on the bottom of the wing. So as it comes in the smoke, it traps on there. And then you have the ability then to throw it. So it goes a great distance. And what it does is it helps with the interconnectedness of of all things.

And now thank you for allowing me because it is a part of my recovery

was for me to come back to the culture.

And I'm going to leave this fan out here

in our culture where we're taught that when you hold the eagle feather or you

are in the presence of an eagle feather, they say you can't lie. So I'm going to leave it there because I am an alcoholic, see?

So I'll just leave it there.

And then the other thing is I'm going to offer Mr. Ed this tobacco

in our culture, when you are in, when you have elders there, what you need to do is ask them permission to speak. And so I Ioffer this tobacco and ask for permission, you know, to speak. But that's the way we're taught to do it, you know, at home. And so I'll I'll do that.

And you taught me that

whenever I do this, I'm just to share my experience, strength and hope.

And if I stick to that, I don't need to be afraid

that if I do that,

then that's how I get through this.

And so I will do that. I'll, I'll share my experience, strength and hope. And I'll share what you taught me.

Seems like most anything that I know that has of any value I got from you. Anything that works, I've got from you.

But maybe to talk what happened was I can maybe do that best by

sharing a story in this a story I heard in these rooms,

because when I came into AA,

the first meeting, I, I found out where it was in

boy, I didn't want to go in there. And so I, I located the building where it was and I was at night Monday night. I drove down there about the time the meeting started and

there was a slot for a car right in front of that meeting. All the other ones are they were full up. And so I sent my driver on the block one time my that slot is open and I'll go to that a a meeting. So I drove around there and there were people coming and going. Sure enough, that darn slot was still there. It's a slow drill down. So I said, you know, I'm going to go around one more time

around at me and if that and I drove really slow as my red car would go, you know,

slow. I drove her on there and darn it, that place wasn't still there.

And so

I said, OK, one more, just one more. So I went around and sure enough, it was. So I went in there and that was my first meeting

and I walked in there

and what I first noticed was there was all white people.

And I went, Oh no, all the white people. And I was pretty prejudice in those days.

And so I went in there and I just sat there and I judged everything. I just wanted to get out of there. But there was something I noticed when I left there, I didn't remember anything that was said. I don't even remember how it felt.

There was just something even in my own mind. I didn't like it. I didn't like how you were telling on yourselves. I never told nobody nothing. When none of their business, you sit there and share, you know, I thought, God, what? What's the matter with them talking open like that?

And the second thing I didn't like was your laughter. Just laugh like hell, you know? And there was life wasn't funny for me. There was nothing funny, you know, about that,

but there was this feeling that I experienced there.

And even though after that first meeting I went to, I went, I drank again, I never forgot that feeling that was going on in that meeting. And probably the best way I could describe what happened was to tell a story. And I heard it in these rooms and I heard a man tell her story. And I really connected to it. I really understood the meaning behind this story. And he

he was talking about in this one post city, there was this arena and in the city there was a boxing ring.

And he was in that boxing ring in one corner and in the other corner was the other boxer. That was alcohol. And a lot of people were in that arena. They were, they come here to watch.

So I connected to that right away. And you know when you're at a special event like that, they put a little ribbon on the front row and they allow your family to come sit right in the front row so that they have a good view. That's always a special place that they get to set and that's what happened. My family come and they say right in that front row

by that boxing match

and there was a lot of noise and popcorn and all that was being sold and I felt pretty good. So as we got near the time to start it, that referee come out and it explained the rules to alcohol and explained the rules to me and we both shook our heads. We agreed that we would know what these rules are. And so they rung the bell and we come out and first couple rounds it was it was all right. We just boxing around and ducking and punching a little bit, but it was no big deal

and everybody seemed to be pretty excited to look forward to what was going on there.

But then maybe around three or four, we're out there and all of a sudden alcohol, it just seemed to get a lucky punch. And it kind of surprised me.

And I looked at the alcohol and the alcohol saw that was just a lucky punch. He said you can whip me. And inside I knew it was true. I knew I was strong. I knew I was going to. I could whip him if I wanted to. And so the bell would ring. We go sit down and then get out there. And pretty soon alcohol started hitting some more.

And as that run went on, you started to notice a lot of people. I started to leave

because it was apparently kind of boring what was going on there. And each time the alcohol would punch, you'd say, hey, that was just a lucky punch. And I noticed a couple of times it seemed from my point of view in that situation, the alcohol started to hit some low blows. In the rules, it says you can't do that, but the referee never said anything.

And so as we got back on a couple more rounds and pretty soon the alcohol is just, it's really punching almost at will. It's really beating me up.

And I looked around out at that arena during that break and I noticed everybody had gone except my family. My family sat right there on that front row. They were watching what was going on. Went out there for another round and the alcohol started just to really punch, really hurt.

The bell would ring. I could barely make it back there and I sit down there on that little chair, my son come up to me and he said

he said Dad, his mumps his

let's go. She says get out of that arena.

And I look back at that 8 year old boy and I said

you tell your Mama just one more round. I says you going to watch? I'm going to do it. She's you just tell her to watch. I'll make her proud. So that bell rang and we come out there again. This time alcohol was really fighting dirty, kicking, hitting, and I was right down on my knees saved by that bell one more time. And I call back over in that corner

and I'm sitting there trying to figure this thing out. Then pretty soon my daughter

she come. She tugged at my arm

and I looked at her and she says dad. She says Mom says that if you don't go now, we're going to leave,

We're not going to watch this anymore. I said you just tell her one more round, just watch because I'm going to do it. The bell rang and I went out there, and

I don't think I'm really sure. When they left,

I wasn't watching for them.

And by this time, the alcohol, it had me write down on my stomach, on my hands and knees. I could just see alcohol's tenor shoes kick in. And Ptolemy, you can beat me. And I was saying I know I can. I know I can. It was a lucky punch. Then it hit me. Awesome. Nice. You know something that all calls lying?

I said. I'll call his line. So I

don't even remember the bell or anything else. I know as I crawled out that arena on my stomach and I crawled out of that arena

and I got off by myself and I started to heal and I was thinking about things,

you know, as I was out there for a while, then all of a sudden I was thinking about this, you know, something I know a move that alcohol don't know about.

I didn't show him my real stuff. So I thought about that and I said, you know, what's up? I'm going to go back there.

And I walked in that arena and the light was on and the alcohol was standing in a corner with his arms were on his ropes. And I looked at the alcohol and I said alcohol, I'm back. And the alcohol said, I knew you would be because you know, some stuff you're going to whip me.

Yes. So I said that's what I'm going to do. So I jump back in that arena and it was a matter of seconds. Alcohol put me right down on my stomach again.

And so I realized that what I knew, it didn't work. So I crawled out of my stomach again, all bruised from alcohol. And I I got out there and I got thinking again about another move that I thought the alcohol wouldn't know about. So back in the arena I went again and I said, alcohol, I'm back. And I said, I know,

I know you would be back. I've been waiting for you.

And the same thing happened a step quicker this time.

And so I called out that arena. The last time I looked at that alcohol tenor shoes, I was able, as that big book says, to concede to my innermost self,

to my insides that I have this disease, alcoholism. And that was August 10th, 1978, that I left out arena and never have found it necessary to go back into that arena.

So what I did one more time is I come back to you people. And this time when I come back, I didn't come back to keep my family. They were gone. I didn't come back to keep my job because it was gone. I come back to you. I was thousands of dollars in debt. I was bankrupt, my family was gone. It was all gone

when I came back. This time I didn't look at it as a white men's program

that had gone to alcohol. It was about alcohol. And I knew that you knew that, and I knew you knew some things that I didn't know.

To die would have been easy.

But you know, it doesn't necessarily let you die. It keeps you alive, barely alive. And so when I came back into the program that last time, I didn't have any resistance. It was gone. I was absolutely willing to do what I needed to do, what you told me to do. And one of those things you told me to do was to get a sponsor.

And I was kind of watching this old man. I was up in Denver by then. They call him Big Frank.

You know, he's an attorney. He was sober a long time.

He's all he's a real alcoholic, Frank is, and he knows that big book quite well.

And so when I asked him if he would be my sponsor and he says, well, let's sit down and we'll talk about that. And so we sit down there and

he's kind of a sarcastic kind of a man. From my point of view at that time, he's a great big man's bus 6-7. He's big, all scarred up,

and he just sat there. He's sizing me up, you know? He had this way of looking at you as his squint eyes and nodding his head, his lips sticking out, you know, like.

And he said, you know, I've been here, he said about 17 years. He's I watch you Indians come in. You're all the time You hang out, he says. You sit way in the back. You don't say nothing.

He said. All of a sudden you just disappear. He said, I don't know what there is about this program and you guys, but he said most of you guys don't get it. He said, I don't think you got what it takes. And he was getting more sarcastic, you know, And you know, you ever have, like when you're a kid, have a little puppy and you don't know, but you teased that puppy. You rub it in the face and then you rub it a little bit more and then personally you get it growling, you know, that's the way I felt he was doing to me. He says, rubbing it in my face and rubbing it in my face. Remember.

And I remember, I said to her, and I just looked at him with my glaring eyes and I thought, you know, you watch you white son of a bitch. I'll show you. I saw I'll make it.

But I found out later on in his wisdom about the only thing that he had to work with that I had a lot of was anger and it was hate. I didn't have compassion, love, caring. I didn't didn't even feel anymore. By the time I come in, I was numb, paralyzed, kind of that way. And so that was kind of how it started. And he told me, he said

there's a couple of things. He said I'll guarantee you one. He says I'll guarantee you my friendship

and he says it doesn't matter whether you like me or not. He's, you know something. I just now decided I'd be your friend for life and that's the way it is.

You got nothing to do with it.

And he says the second thing he says I'll give you. He says I'll give you some guidance. He says there is a book here and he says no, you don't know anything about it, he said. But I know about that big book

and he said the other thing I can give you is some hope, he said, because I'm sober 17 years and he says you little brown son of a bitch, you can't get 30 days. So as I know something that you don't

and he went on to say so there are some things I am not, he said. I am not your taxicab. Don't be asked me for rides. I ain't your banker. Don't ask me for money. I am not your hotel. You know, he said. You did all that stuff you got to the bars and stuff. So to him be calling me for that,

but he said I will

share with you

how this program works.

And so then he showed me this big book of AA. He wouldn't let me use the 12 and 12. He had some opinions about 12:00 and 12:00. He had a lot of opinions but lots of things. But he said that it's that book and he showed me how 664 pages were and he held it up like that. He said the rest are stories. But he said this 1st 164 pages is if you do exactly what it says in there,

he said you'll never have to drink again. This isn't about slipping. This program's not about slipping. It's about never happened to drink again,

you know, and if if you haven't been able to quit that way and you've gone through all that terror, that's a big deal to hear somebody say if you do this, you'll never have to drink again.

And so

he showed me those 164 pages in that book and he said, that's what we're going to do. We'll start on those, on this book. Then he took a schedule and he said

these are the meetings here in Denver, Co and he circles 6 meetings I was to attend Sunday night I could go to any meeting I wanted to but Monday through Saturday I was directed

which meetings I was to go to.

Then he said when you go to this meeting he said when it comes your turn you say my name is Don, I'm an alcoholic. And then he says you don't say nothing after that because you don't know nothing. He says you have nothing to share. So he says you just sit there and listen.

And so that's the way I did it. I went there and I just my name is Don. I'm a colic. And I didn't say anything, but I must have been sober about six months. And I was sitting there one night in this, this Indian woman walked in this meeting.

Well, she was looking good to me, you know, laughter,

and she was kind of looking at me with those snagging eyes. We call it back home, right? Get that certain look. I could tell something was going on, that connectedness,

It was there pretty strong. And I thought to myself, you know, I'm not going to make any points with this Indian woman unless she hears me quote the book or something. I've got to do something, you know, sooner am I my turn come. And I said my name is Don, I'm alcoholic. And I started quoting that big book. I just whipping those passages on and I could tell she was even more interested once I could quote that big book.

So anyway, we did that and we went for coffee that night and I went home and I went home. 10 seconds seemed like the phone rang

and I was such a good mood. Hello,

son of a bitch. Why were you doing talking tonight? You know somebody

sponsors are like their original Internet. You know they know everything. They're just camped up.

So anyway,

I got caught.

But when we went to that big book, the first thing he did is he turned to those 12 proposals. There's 12 steps and he said, I want you to look at each of these 12 steps. And he said,

I want you to answer two questions. He used to call it the step before the steps. And he said these are the two questions you're to answer for each one of those 12 steps. He said one is he said, are you willing to go to any length? So you got to read step one and see you willing to go to any length. Don't worry about how to do it, but you willing Then Step 2, are you willing to go to any length? And step three, I was to consider that possibility for all each of those 12 steps, not just a Yup,

but was I willing to go the distance?

The second question you asked me says do you want to do it?

Do you want to work these 12 steps? Is this your, your Rd.

Because he said not everybody in the program works those 12 steps. He said from his point of view, half a a they don't work. No 12 steps. He stays stay sober. They go to the meetings. And as he is telling me that there's over at his house and he was making us a snack, you know, and he was telling me about this program of AA. He says it's like a banquet. He said there's like steak on this end and you're further down, you know, there's like meatloaf and

further down there's like cheeseburger a A and, and he, he knew that I liked peanut butter, you know, and so he was making this peanut butter sandwich. I was eating the sandwich, you know, and then he finally, I just took a muffler, that peanut butter sandwich and he said there's even, he said peanut butter a A

and I'm sitting her, my mouth is full. And he says, but the problem with peanut butter, he said it sticks to the roof of your mouth and you go. So I guess I see him in a meeting every once in a while. You know, he said in a meeting how his sponsors give me that look. They try to connect you and you look the other way. We sat in meetings like that and he'd be looking at me. Finally, I'd look over across the table at him and he'd go

sauce but rubbing my face, you know.

But he said one of the reasons you have to have that step before the step, he said, is because when you go through those steps, he said when you worked him, he said you're going to hit a wall.

And he said if you hit that wall, it comes up

and you hit it, you will turn around and quit. But he said, if you make that commitment,

I want to do this, I'm willing to go to any length. That commitment will take you through those rough times because that's what you said you wanted to do. So he said, don't come whining to me that you don't want to do it. Because he said you told me you wanted to do this. You said you was willing to go to any length. So I'm back. When I told him I was, and that's true, I was. I didn't know what it was going to be, but I wanted to go through that work. He called it the work.

That's all he referred to. He still does to this day.

So we went back there and

when I got that step before the step, then he showed me where the instructions were for step one. You know, I had read that big book lots of times. That was the most boring book I ever read my whole life, that big book, and I could never find instructions. I didn't understand what that was. Instructions.

So then you told me the 1st 43 pages is to do a step one.

And I was to consider and he said if that, if you're a real alcoholic, he said when you read that book you'll understand this book. He said if you're just a normal person, you won't understand that book very well. But if you're a real Nelki, you'll be able to say that's me, that's me, that's me, That's the way it was. I went through and I read that and I knew that book was written about me. It was easy to see it. Some words I didn't know, you know, paradoxically and all that stuff, you know, I still don't know what it means,

but I know that book is written by me because they were telling my story right in that book. I understood that

the day will come when you have no mental defense against that first drink. I know about that. I can tell you stories about that where I make vows and I still would drink or somebody come up and say you keep this up, you're going to lose your family.

Most important thing I ever had my whole life and I lost it. It went because of the alcohol. I knew about that.

Then we come to the second part of step one and he showed me on page 52 was called manageability paragraph. And in there, there were nine areas I was to look at in terms of unmanageability. That part where he says we're having trouble with our personal relationships. We couldn't control our emotional nature. And there were nine areas in there. And he had me take those nine areas and flip it into a question. And I was to look at, in my relationships,

it's not what were they doing, but how was I managing them?

So I was to list people I was in relationships with and I was to look at my behavior in that. How was I managing that? Was I stuffing it? Was I getting angry? Did I run? Did I gossip? Did I? And I was to look at my part of relationships, how I was managing them. And with all nine of those areas, he made me look at each one of those areas. I had to give him a lot of examples of what that was. So I went through and I did that

and I came back to him and then we talked some, I added some things to it, but I for the first time I was able to see

what unmanageability was. I didn't know what it was. I thought that was normal. I thought when some, when you got pissed at somebody, don't talk to him

for weeks, you have to share nothing. It's an ended way or whatever, you know, whatever that stuff was. He always told me, he says being Indian, I'll get you drunk. He used to tell me. I used to. His name was always in my resentment inventory when he said that,

but he took a while before I knew what he was saying.

And so then we took those nine areas, and he always explained to me that the steps are interconnected. They're not separate 12 things, but they're interconnected with each way. Then I took those nine areas and I bought this to Step 2. And what I was to do there is to create a vision in nine areas. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. So I had to look at sanity and personal relationships, emotional nature, making a living full of fear,

and all nine of those areas.

And so I made that vision in Step 2. And he told me that vision that you're right in Step 2 will be your spiritual awakening in Step 12.

What you said in step two, he said if you want to know, having had a spiritual awakening, what it is, he said look at your vision work that you do in Step 2. And so I wrote that part in there

and he said, don't ask how is this going to happen or when, but he's the most step to his written out way beyond your belief system, out in the land of impossibility, out in the land of the extraordinary. And so I made that vision and then I went over to his place and we started to work on step three. And he always believed that every sentence in the big book was instruction.

So when I told him I was ready for step three, he would open up that big book and he'd read every line and then he'd ask me for experience

on that line. So when he says that our lives are running self propulsion, he said give me some experience, that this is true for you. And so I had to go to each one of those.

When asked a question, I had to answer the question. He didn't let nothing go. We had to go all the way through there. And like a lot of people, when you come into the program, I struggle with that. Step 3, Some experience that this is true for you and some of the brothers here, you know, they have mission schools that are different churches coming under reservations, you know,

and they always had clothes and food. That's kind of why we went to them, you know, for the food and the clothes, except they always made you do their thing first.

So the Catholics would come in and you, you had to learn to do all of this, you know, and then pretty soon they run out of funding or whatever. And then the Pentecostals would come up and then you, you had to learn to do this. And so we, we had to do a lot of different things on a reservation like that. But what was always puzzling is like, you know, the Catholics would leave in, the Pentecostals would come in and say, the Catholics are going to hell. And you go, whoa, am I glad that Pentecostals are here?

Then they would leave and a Baptist will come and they say, no, they're both going to hell. You know, we're the one. And, you know, you're a little kid. You get this idea. You want to get to heaven or wherever this place is. And it's like you weren't sure for sure which one was it, you know? So I had some pretty tainted views of God. I didn't know about the Creator until I came here to you. That's where I really learned about it, because I mean,

I'd like to have a story last night when Speaker you know, he talked about

mission school, you know, like when you were a little Indian kid, a nun is really. I mean, they got this

robe on and they got this and they carried their arms and they had little sticks and

they were like spiritual terrorists on their reservations. They scared a crap out of you

and you know, they would be trying to get you to find God and they'd say, you know, like you ever been burned with a cigarette and say, Oh yeah. And they say one hell, your whole body is going to burn and you get blisters. You, you have these visions of a,

you know, it scares the heck out, you know, they say you ever been thirsty? There ain't no water in hell. Your body is going to blister and you're going to never have water. Nor do you want to see God, and you bet I do. But it was always like you had the flames of hell licking your ass, you know,

going there for the wrong reason.

But you know, today I know better because that's all part of my prejudice to religion, that you had to help me take a look at it. But that's how it seemed to me. It wasn't until I came to you that I started to find it. So I had some of these

in my mind. I had some of these things about turning your life over to the, you know, Are you sure you want to do this? But then one day I was in a meeting

and I was on that third step because the way Frank told me, he said when you go to a meeting, he said the only problem you got in your whole life is a step you're on. If you're in step one, I don't care what meeting you go to, you listen to it from point of view, step one. If you're in step 11, you sit there from point of view with step one. So wherever I, as I went through the steps, that's how I had to do it. So I was on Step 3. So I listened from the point of view of Step 3

and it was in there that I, I heard

a version, a story that really helped me a lot. And this guy was the nurse talking about step three. And he said, you know, I said there's four frogs sitting on a log in a pond. And he said one of those frogs make a decision to jump in the water. So how many frogs are left on that log? I said three used to know four see used to that frog was sitting there with the other frogs, but just decided

when he makes that decision, he said in the way this step works is when you make that decision to turn your life and your will over to the care of the God.

He said, and God makes you into an orange frog. He said in AA, you hear this? Well, I took my will and I'd give it back and I took it back and I'd give it away and I took it and he said that's not how it works. He says it's a one time deal. He said when you turn your life over to the care of God like that frog, He said it makes the orange frog in this orange frog forever. He said, so say you make that decision on Friday and then Saturday you get all upset and you get really angry. He said you're just a pissed off orange frog,

That's all

this is. Suppose Mandy,

you go get drunk, he said. Then you were drunk. Orange frog. That's the way that is, and it works that way. And where my head was, I used to. That's it. I want to be orange frog. So of course I went over to Frank. I didn't say, hey, Frank, I'm ready to be an orange frog because Frank was not quite that way.

But anyway, we went over there and we went through that line by line of all instructions in the third step. And when that was done, he said, Are you ready?

It's a mean that old man. We got on our knees and each opened up that big book and held on hands. And he read that third step prayer. And then I read that third step prayer.

And so when I was finished, I, I said, well, Frank, now what?

And so I'm glad you asked. And he reached behind his charity, pulled out a legal tablet with a pencil.

He says, let's see what that book says. This is next. We launched on the course of Vigorous action

and so before I was writing there, I knew how to write resentment inventory, 5 column, resentment inventory, 4 column, 4 inventory and a 13 column 6 inventory. The way that we did it, because you know, on the section inventories, the scores, I jealous caused suspicion. Each one had to be a column, he said. So you can see the pattern separated out. You can see it, especially the first inventory.

And so that's the way I did. I wrote that inventory

and I remember I was writing inventory for a couple of months

and this thing came up around my sexual abuse.

I was sexually abused when I was

nine in 10 by an uncle and I never told anybody anything.

And when its surface

I was sick.

And when I saw all that stuff that come up with that, I stuffed that for a long, long, long time

and I went like nuts and I drove my car. I don't remember driving over to Frank's place. I didn't go in the front door. I was just pawning on a glass window. Even when he opened up the door, I was still pounding.

And I think that was the only time in the first three years I knew him. He was ever kind to me. He invited me in,

but you could see something was going on. So he let me stay there for that weekend, and I wrote inventory down there in his basement.

And so when an inventory was finished, I knew it was good. He told me about the dark crannies. He said no secrets, Everything has to be told. You cannot have any secrets. That's what that dark cranny is. So if you have those, he says, you'll get drunk. And so when the inventory was done, I knew it was done.