Serenity Sam M. from Richmond, IN at Santa Barbara AA Convention Santa Barbara, CA

Good evening. I'm Sam, an alcoholic

and a member of Alcoholics Anonymous.

I hope the rest of you notice those lights doing their thing there. I don't mind it as long as everybody else sees it. Too

worried about hallucinations. My old age

also smoked a lot of non habit farming marijuana that I was addicted to.

Yeah,

maybe that was one of the dopers doing the lights there.

Cops in a meeting too.

I'd like to share with you some of my experience. Strengthen scar tissue this evening.

Get your own hope.

And as usual, the story will be a little disjointed. Tonight I have what somebody once called

Catholic Alzheimer's disease.

Forget everything but the guilt.

I went to a Catholic school for eight years

and I majored in guilt,

minor in shame.

I taught the nuns a lot of new words.

They taught me about staying every night after school.

Took Me 2 1/2 years to learn to say yes ma'am and no ma'am.

After that I went in the opposite direction. I became an altar boy, I sang in the choir and I was example to the other little urchins in this 35 person class that I spent eight years with.

Come from a family of Alcoholics.

Most of them drink. Those that don't should of course.

Promised myself I'd never end up like those idiots.

However, by the time I was 2425 years old, I had overshot the field a little.

I ran into my Aunt Bessie one day on the street and I was pretty drunk and she said to me, you are the grand finale of Son of a bitches in this family

succeeded someplace.

I, I got out of the Catholic school after eight years and went, I started the 9th grade but never finished it. And I went from there to a reform school.

And I got out of there and I was a horny little kid loose on the streets by this time 1415 years old. And I wanted to get out and dance with the ladies. And so I did. And I, I know something happened to me. I I guess I must have been searching for my mother because I I chased older women until there weren't any anymore. I mean.

So

I got put in the penitentiary when I was 18 years old because I was guilty of a few felonies that they had pictures.

And so I got out of the penitentiary and I had four years to do on parole

and I did not like it. And I started to drink and I started to use drugs

because I realized after I started that I was a fool. I should have started much earlier. I wasted all those good years when I could have been drinking and

at the time I was 2223 years old. I was hooked on everything that I tried and I was looking for more, hoping the pharmaceutical companies would come out with something that could control my drinking a little better than was. I wouldn't get arrested so much. I was just a big shit magnet for the cops. It was

I couldn't get from 1 bar to the other if they were next door to each other. I even tried the alley and that still didn't work. They managed to navigate and of course I didn't like the beatings. I kept getting hit on the head. I can still hear that noise when they hit me with that stick and

I go to jail several nights a week and they would kick me out in the morning

and after getting in on the head a few times, I decided to drink a little closer to the jail. That was my solution to that.

What do you mean quit? Deal with that. There's got to be another way here. So that's what I did.

Two weeks before I quit drinking, I had a judge tell me that I was a social irritant.

I never minded all the fights in bars and all the names that we called each other never bothered me at all. But that social irritant thing got to me. Damn I hated that

and the day after that happened I was thrown out of a bar in Santa Monica, CA as I was going in the door.

I didn't realize I had been in there before and caused a lot of trouble. The bartenders yelling at out, out, out.

What did I do then? He said. And take your grandmother with you

and dating her two years. I think so.

I don't know what your love life was like, but pretty bad.

I once heard a guy in the Venice group described it. He'd say, Oh my God, I'd wake up and there she was. And then I'd wake up a little bit more and discovered that there was somebody on the other side of her and wondering what he had done in the night, how he'd gotten there.

That's the way I lived. I did

give a damn about much of anything. My love life was forget it. By the time I was mentally ready, I was physically unable anyway. Most of the time

I drank as long as I possibly could, and then about two years longer.

And I knew about Alcoholics Anonymous because I'd heard about it in bars.

Sing the, ah, hymns. They picketed liquor stores. There was a militant wing, the bomb distilleries. I heard all this crap.

I wanted to believe it because I suspected someday I'm going to be over there.

I was a witness to a killing it back in the eastern part of the country in Kentucky, and I knew how to be an alive witness. When in doubt, cut out and get the hell out of there. So I ran home to Mama. I reeled in my umbilical cord and went home.

And Mama had been to Al Anon.

Yes, she had those little beady eyes and that smile.

She got me up against the wall and released me

and you can stay here a couple of days and you get your ass out of here because I don't want to see you drink yourself to death. And I who, me? I'm a nice guy

and a few mornings later I was puking with my brother and he said to me if our luck holds out we'll be dead by noon.

Another great day in paradise.

Pretty soon we got some wine to stay down and then he said as soon as we get off of this one, let's really go on one. That's what the bottle did for me. It changed everything, but it was also making him a disaster when hell of a disaster out of what My So-called Life was.

And since I was a witness to a killing in the East, I wanted to get the hell out of there. And I moved to Venice, CA, where I was to live for the next 30 years of my life, or most of 30 years.

I moved into the worst place in town. I asked, naturally, I went into a bar. Where else do you go to find out how to rent A room or where? And he said, there's a place up the street here that I won't even go in the daytime. I thought, that's perfect, I'll move right in. I moved in and fell in love with the girl who was a manic depressive, suicidal alcoholic dopamine.

She carried her a razor blade and three suicide notes for emergencies.

She came home from work every night, brushed her teeth, turned on the gas and went to bed.

That kind of girl,

she had a boyfriend she had to get rid of first, and her solution was to kill him. She's pulling the trigger on the gun. He'd taken the bullets out of it. Wise dude,

while she's pulling the trigger on the gun she's yelling at him. You son of a bitch. It's your fault. You've made a killer out of a nice girl like me.

Yeah. Look what he had done to her. Get rid of her. I always wanted to blame somebody else so I identified with her certainly.

Anyway,

at Christmastime that year I called my father, which was the only time he would accept a collect call from me and he suggested that I go to Alcoholics Anonymous and I said what for? He said because you're drinking yourself to death. I said I am not. He said what did you get for Christmas this year, smart ass? I said I got 2 gallons of wine and a £500 Benzedrine tablet,

which is what I had fantasied about and wanted that big sucker, you know, hit it with an ice pick and rock it to the moon.

I went there's some groups down in LA that call themselves what, the 4th dimension groups or 5th dimension groups and I wonder how they get there because they collared me one day and said something about going over there and I said don't worry about it. Hell I'm still on the launchpad with my ass on fire. I'd never make it with you guys, so forget it. Anyway,

I went to my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous because I have no idea why. I just said to my father, OK, I'll go. And he said, well, don't smoke any marijuana before you go over there because you won't hear anything. And I didn't know marijuana affected my hearing that much.

Took me all day to get there. I started out at 10:00 in the morning from Venice, went into Los Angeles. I vaguely remember being in MacArthur Park and

moping around there and drinking a little God knows what. And I finally got to a meeting that night, about 10 minutes and 10 at the 6300 Club at the corner of Wilshire and Fairfax. And when I walked in there, there was a lady sharing and she said that she had wet her pants twice and come to Alcoholics Anonymous and I was, well, where do they find out what I've done?

Anyway,

I didn't pay much attention to what happened there. Somebody gave me a book. I threw it in the trash can on the way home and to

totally ignored, as I had all of my life totally ignored, almost everything that was ever said to me. Mostly of my conversations consisted of waiting for you to shut up so I could say something important. It was just we bumped facades. I never communicated really with anybody except fights and that sort of thing. Anyway,

they didn't mention marijuana and I didn't, and they didn't mention drugs. I didn't mention that I didn't. I wasn't frightened of needles, let's put it that way.

And so at the end of 10 days of wonderful dryness, I smoked a joint.

I got thirsty, so I drank. I got drowsy. So I took some amphetamine, a natural progression for people like me. But during that time that I was loaded, it lasted about a week. I had heard about lower companions and I thought, well, that's what I am. I can't find my place here. I'm going to go to a lower companion group and at least try that. So I went back to the 6300 Club, asked a guy about lower companions. He says, I have the perfect group for you. Come on. At the corner of Pico and Alvarado was a group called The End of the Line, And

Sucker was the End of the Line.

First meeting I went to there, the leader pounds the gavel down on the thing, he said. We don't read anything here. There's no traditions here. It's every man for himself.

That's just what I wanted to hear.

They asked for announcements. A guy named Jake Sean got up and announced that he was sinking into a depression. He said I won't be at the meeting next week. I'm going to kill myself and I'd like to say goodbye to all my friends.

Element announcement,

but I finally found somebody to identify with even though he was leaving.

About 10 minutes into the meeting, through the side door came three dikes.

Two. That doesn't mean we need the slides, does it? OK,

there were the two sober ones were kind of carrying the drunken one and as they came through the door she dropped her purse and out fell a gun, a bottle and a dildo.

Standard accoutrement for a Dykes purse, I guess.

The two silver ones got to fighting over the contents of the purse. The leader kicked him out of the meeting, left the drinking one there, and she sobered up and she never took another drink the rest of her life. And she said that she was sober because that group had made her welcome.

And I firmly believe that's what it should be for Alcoholics Anonymous. What are we afraid of around here when somebody strange comes in? There's

little antsy tonight. There's a friend of mine that the last two or three times I've talked any place around this part of the country, he's shown up in a gorilla suit, comes up and hands me a note and then leaves. The note always says the same thing on it. I am a cross dressing gorilla. I've been kicked out of the Pacific group. Can you help me?

So if you see a gorilla coming through the door around here when I knock him down and grab the note quick

anyway,

why not? Come on? Is it really disturbing anything that much? Let's have a little fun around here. What? What does the thing say? It's on one of our pieces of paper here we got today. We're not a glum locked now,

but I know gun lots. There are some groups around. It's one of the things I disagree with here. When I hear people say I've never been to a bad meeting, I think, oh, welcome on.

I know two right up in the street. Jesus,

I've had better flashbacks than those damn things.

Let's not bullshit ourselves about how good we are around here and how wonderful as we all lurch along the murky Rd. A happy destiny.

I know the book says trudge for you purist, but I lurch all over the damn Rd. on some days and it's murky as all hell. I need to sing. I newcomer to get to a meeting.

Newcomers are easy to work with. No problem. Just listen to them because they, at first, they won't say anything in meetings. But why are they sure? My experience has been they'll talk to me all the time. They interrupt me when I'm saying, you know, telling them the secret of life, They'd interrupt that. And that's all right. I just kind of nod my head mostly now,

pretend to be very wise. I learned that from a guy that I went to the meeting with him and I overheard him saying that's Sam sure is wise, dude. He told me a lot of wonderful things on the way to the meeting tonight and I hadn't opened my mouth. I didn't have a chance.

So that's all you have to do, Just kind of nod your head. Sure. Uh-huh. Yeah, that's probably right.

If they call you in the middle of the night, just tell them. I think your answer is on page 38 and I have no idea what's on page 38.

They'll think, well that old wet brain fool, he told me the wrong page and they'll keep on going till they find their answer. Nothing to it

now, after I'd been around here for a while, after that little slippy poo that I had, and I came back to the lower companion groups. There was a group up on Vermont Ave. in Los Angeles called the Let's see, the Bar None was the name of that group. I went to groups like that where the only requirement for membership is breathing.

I began to wander around to other meetings and see what was going on and I listened. There's an art to listening. It'll save your life if you ever try to practice it a little bit. And that still goes for me to keep my damn mouth shut at a lot of meetings. I, I have a rule of thumb, I go to two meetings where I keep my mouth shut for everyone that I talk at and still works out. I've heard some great and wonderful things and I love to mention the names of some old timers in meetings. Some were mentioned last night, a guy named Larry Blake, who's just fascinated the hell out of me.

Ask a newcomer, oh, a young man, what time is it? And the kid would say, you know, it's 820 or something. And Blake say, you still got to watch. What are you doing here?

Tough group.

One night in Hollywood there was a guy speaking and he talked along for about 5 or 10 minutes and he says, you know, I got to be honest with you. He said when it gets tough I take a drink. I thought, what, who the hell are we at tonight? Blake was in the front row. He said you son of a bitch

and he went right up on that stage, literally grabbed this guy around the throat and he went back through the curtains and we hear this noise bang the door slamming. Blake comes back. Good evening. My name is Larry Blake. I wake up 175 lbs. I'm your speaker for the evening and launched right on like nothing had ever happened.

One of the better nights at the old motion picture group in Plumber Park, they got Bela Lugosi, the old guy that played Dracula. He came to A and a years ago and they asked him to read chapter 5. And you haven't lived till you've heard Dracula. Read Chapter 5.

He sounded just like that. He looked like that. He was a big tall dude and he dressed in black all the time. He wasn't really acting. I don't think it was.

I think about that. What if I'd stayed home watching television? I'd missed that. I

I can't afford to miss things like that to save my life.

I went to a Thorazine group some years ago and

they asked one of the inmates to read chapter 5 and it took him 3035 minutes.

When I got to the part where it says we are not Saints, he read it. We are now Saints.

Where do you get out of here and get off that medication, friend? Find out. Maybe he's going to a group. There are some groups in LA,

who knows, I think. I think they can all walk on the water. At least they pretend to. Yeah,

well, that's all right. Let him do it. I'm not here to judge anybody. I can't even do too good a job on myself. That's why I have friends that know all about me. I need to run that through somebody else's mind because mine is still cluttered on a lot of days. That's why I'm still active in meetings. I still have a coffee commitment. I had to beat up a newcomer to get it, but what the hell,

I needed it more than he did.

I want to be an active member of Alcoholics Anonymous so that I'll remain clean and sober the rest of my life. And I don't know how else to do it. And I'm not knocking anything else that might work for somebody. I've known a lot of people who've done a lot of different things and seem to clean up. But if the people I see in meetings, especially when this large and there's something here and fortunately no one person can own it, there are a few down in LA that pretend

to do that sort of thing, I'm sure

I'm afraid to say it. I'm not near an exit.

OK, here it goes. Have you read the new AA book that's out? As Clancy sees what Bill thought he saw.

Come on, we're all in this thing together. Nobody's ahead of anybody else here. It's like saying my higher power can beat the shit out of yours.

So.

I got to go with what old Doc Smith said some years ago. We hope to no glorification of the individual. We are in this together and I firmly believe that some of us have been here longer than others and that's just what that means. Nobody's any better than anybody else here. I was lucky to be raised in AA, in the Venice group. That's where I really found a home and that's where I lived for a long time and I loved that group. I mean, we had one rule there. That was if

they're loud, they get kicked out, if they're quiet, they stay. We didn't care if they were drinking or what the hell they were doing and we had a group drunk. I think every group should have one.

All he knew was keep coming back. He didn't know anything else. He's drunk every damn week and

after 1800 1/2 years he quit drinking and nobody knew why. He didn't know why. I had no idea what he had heard and what had happened, but he cleaned up and he stayed sober the rest of his life. He died a couple of years ago but he had 20 some years of clean time and who's to say what happens here? I don't know. That's why I continue to go to meetings because I want to maintain what I have found here.

I stayed clean and sober long enough so that my sobriety

had some meaning to it, and that staying sober became a very natural part of my life. Almost like breathing. I mean, I'm dead either way there.

Well, I'm too old to slip. Hell,

I'm 74 years old and

and in January this year or next year I'll be sober and clean. 45 years, which is a long time in the life of a human being. But,

and that's just what that means, you know, a long time. So you still find me in meetings. I've still got the coffee commitment. I still am active

as a member of Alcoholics Anonymous so that I in turn can be an active member of the human race because it is my specie. In spite of what I thought for a long time, I knew I was someplace else and when I was a year or so sober I got very curious about a lot of things. And there was an ad in the Los Angeles Times that said they wanted 100 self admitted Alcoholics to try and experiment. It might be a cure for alcoholism, but it was a guaranteed spiritual experience. And that was lysergic acid

at UCLA. I went up there and they they had all these forms to fill out.

It looked all right. Then they gave us another little yellow piece of paper and I looked at that one and said I agreed to be strapped down if I became violent and I thought oops, I don't think I want to hang around here. So I got the hell out of there. I was fortunate to hear right after that a lady rider that I vaguely knew, her name was Annie. They had a big panel up here and there was 3 advocates for LSD and God knows what else, including

Timothy Leary. And when it came her turn she said well I want a spiritual experience but I don't want to buy artificial insemination.

But yeah, that's exactly what I want. Want the real thing? That's something that's all fake because my whole life had been fake and totally dishonest. I had no idea what honesty was. And some days today I think, well, still not too clear about it. I better go find a newcomer and talk to him, or listen to him, as the case may be.

I was lucky to know people like John Bradley who didn't put up with any of my bullshit. He could cut through it so quickly. I used to brag about all kinds of things. I flew to Akron, OH to visit the A A Shrines. Bradley met me at the airport and I told him about all these wonderful things I'd seen and done. And he says, Oh yeah, I know anything but work the steps.

Come on here.

I'm grateful for people like that because they've saved my life.

That same thing happens, I believe, to most of us here, and we're the luckiest people in the world. You know, here we are on a Saturday night and I don't think the police were looking for any of us in here. And if they were, they didn't find us. Hopefully.

I've been in too damn many jails and too many other places that I really did not know how to get out of. But it involved quitting drinking and quitting using drugs. And so since I've done that, then I don't have to worry about a judge calling me a social irritant or any other wonderful labels that have been thrown at me by judges and who know other people. Over the years I've been knifed, I've been shot at. And

also with people that come in here and say I hear it quite a good deal. They say it gets better and it gets better and it gets better. And what has gotten better for me is the ability to accept the crap that comes along along with the ice cream because it happens. And I've gone through a series of operations that I didn't think I could go through. Every time I saw a doctor in the last few years I've just laid down and said take what you want

instead of taking parts until I don't know what the hell was going on. I got it

anyway. It's called living. And I thought since I'd been such a nice guy and sober for like a lot of years, what the hell was all this that was going on in my life? And a friend of mine, Lauren, explained it pretty well. He and I are going through some of the same things that the probe and all the other wonderful things that doctors do to you besides cutting on you. And Lauren said that doctor was saying to him, here, look at this screen, you can see right up there and

the doctor's saying it's beautiful, it's just beautiful up there and learned what the Hell's going on here. It's a hell of a thing to find out at the age of 78 that the most beautiful part of your body is 14 inches up your ass.

So that's how we old people talk about our operations and things.

I decided it wasn't going to defeat me, that I wasn't going to be that depressed about the whole damn thing. And every time I see my doctor, I try to I just have some fun out of the damn thing. You've seen these T-shirts and sweatshirts and things that say bum equipment on it. Yeah, I put a big arrow on mine.

When I see my doctor, if he's too late, I just grab a rubber glove, put it on and say, OK, Norman, your turn,

why not?

I take my program serious, but not somber or deadly. Let's have a little fun around. I learned that early on. I was at a meeting in Santa Monica, CA, some years ago, and Bill Wilson was there. You know, the cofounder dude, and

he was talking about this spiritual experience that he had, you know, the, the light and the wind blowing through him and all that sort of thing. And there's a guy there with him named Jimmy Burwell, who's responsible for, in our book, God as You Understand him, Burwell said to him. Wilson, did you ever stop to think that that light was the guy in the next hospital bedroom on his night light?

I knew then I was in the right place

because people were enjoying life and talking and laughing about things that I was afraid to even think about.

And I had one thing in my life that I was going to carry to the grave. When I took my fifth step, I did not share it. 1 little thing in two or three weeks after that, I'm in a meeting and here's a guy talking about it in front of men and women. This thing that I had been afraid of for years. So I cornered him after the meeting and talked a little bit. And after that I thought, what the hell am I afraid of here? And I began to talk about it all over the place. So what with so many things in my life that I was terribly afraid of,

my sponsor once had me make out a list of things that I

wasn't afraid of, and I couldn't find anything except fried eggs.

Oh, and I was an intellectual for a while. I never read books. I always read book reviews. I'm in a hurry.

I hung out with what I thought was a lot of spiritual people, but I realize now they just talked a lot.

They were kind of like me when I was loaded. I had an amphetamine mouth and a Demerol brain.

Get that all mixed up and

I read some wonderful things and I've heard some wonderful things around here, but it doesn't mean anything unless I use it in my life and I need to. I have AI forget. I mean, even before I got old, I was forgetting a lot of things and it's one of the reasons I continued to go to a lot of meetings. So I would continue to keep in my mind what the hell is going on here.

And

there are people in this room tonight that I love very much and that I have loved for a long time. And I believe that's the answer to it all here. So there's people in this room that, well, you're experiencing the same damn thing, the love that is present in meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous. And there is more than enough in any room for everybody. So slice off your hunk and take it home with you. It's for everybody or you never have to be alone again.

And that was one of the fears of my life. I come from a large family. They do not know that I exist. My Uncle Frank and hell, I'm 74, almost 75. This clown still asked me

when did you get out of the army?

I've never been in the Army.

Then you'll say. How long you been wearing glasses? Since I was 9,

I don't want to be around people like that any more than I absolutely have to. I prefer people that I have met in meetings that when you ask them how they are, they tell you the truth. If it ain't good, they just say well I'm totally fucked or whatever.

I said, oh, everything's fine, Everything's models.

Used to be a lady in Santa Monica. You asked her how she was and she'd say, oh, I'm in the middle of a miracle. And I said, really, I'm not sure I want one of those.

I heard it mentioned here today about the freedom from bodies story in the big Book and about how you pray for somebody in my sponsor said, you're going to have to pray for her. And I said, no, I'm not. And he said, oh, yes, you are. So I prayed for her and three days later she died.

So he got me and said we're going to have to have a talk about what kind of prayer.

So I had to admit that on the way home from the meeting, I purchased a doll and two packages of pins and then pray for it.

But the old that I know about living, I mean doing things like that and I did those crazy things.

We are so lucky, those of us that are in this room tonight, especially the ones that have been around here for a while.

I think about staying home some nights, but my God, think of the things that I would have missed if I'd stayed home. I'd missed Dracula.

I'd missed a certain little dude that I named it Lexus. He was a little gay dude that hung around Venice and he kept saying to me, Sam, give me a ride on your motorcycle. I said get away, Alexis,

good. Talk to your sponsor.

Finally, after two or three months of that, I'd had enough. And I said, all right, get on. Took him up on the freeway, 100 and 10120 miles an hour. I don't care, this little bastard. And I got back to the meeting and I said, well, how did you like that, Alexis? And he said, well, I've always wanted to be a motorcycle bitch. I'm yours,

so don't miss those meetings and don't miss those experiences that are out there.

Anyway, I'm very glad to be in this room tonight. I hope you are too glad to be at this convention where I've met people that I haven't seen for a while and the a good feeling comes over me when I see people that we've had good times together and we talk about people that we love and that we care about.

And some of the people that have taught me so damn much. Charlie Vick taught me all about hate and resentment because I had some. I kept running into people that deserved to be resented the rest of their natural life. And I thought, well, I'll oblige you bastard.

Charlie Vick used to come in to meetings. I hate my kids. I hate both of them. I don't know what I'm going to do with them. The one little son of a bitch is sniffing gas. What am I going to do Then he said. I came home the other night and he was laying in the front yard. I didn't know whether he's dead or vapor locked.

He, he wants a shell credit card for Christmas and I,

well, if I hadn't gone to the meeting that night, I'd missed that. I can't afford to miss things like that to save my life. And they're still around that most of the meetings that I go to, I have one hell of a good time because I opened my ears and I listen and get the feel of what's going on in our meetings so that I'll get mine for the I don't want somebody else's and I don't want anybody to wander off and get loaded so that I can move up another notch to what? Closer to what?

Hell. I don't want to lose a place in line of God,

so I come here so that I can maintain that.

So I continued to work the steps. Since I've been here, I haven't outgrown them yet. I keep a journal and I take that journal and I read it to somebody twice a year. Keep a house cleaning going. Some of the same names have been on it for years and some have disappeared and some have come back like that. But I'm a human being and I didn't know that's what I was for a long time. I was an alien. I was dropped on this place. What the hell am I doing here? What's it all about? And

that now I want to be as comfortable as I possibly can in my sobriety and in my life.

And the way that I maintain that is by being a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. I know I always end up sounding like a pimp for AA, but I don't know how else to word it. I mean, there are other places, and I've learned a lot of important things other places.

I went to the seminar up at Big Sur a few years ago. Big time guru, paid a bunch of money to stay the weekend. Had a hell of a good time, I thought. And at the end of it, the guru stands up and says my philosophy of living boils down to one sentence, living in the here and now and all the rest is bullshit. And I thought, $500, I paid for that.

A little experience there. Because what really griped me is I'd heard it in the Venice AE meeting two weeks before that and cost me a dollar.

Not that we have everything here, but there's a hell of a lot more here than any place else I have ever been

and so why not come on in here and use this thing so that we can all lurch along the murky Rd. A happy destiny together and what a life this can be. Instead of I've made my life an adventure I go out and experience. I still do all kinds of things. Hell, I tried to ride my motorcycle this year but my left ankle gave out and I fell into the bushes.

Too much applause by the neighbors.

But then I got my revenge. I mooned them that evening

like the two adults that I am. Then I found out they weren't home so I had to do it again the next day to make sure.

I hope I've left you with some hope this evening and some whatever.

Come on in here and enjoy this thing. And if you're having a rough day, don't deny it. If you want to do this, then do it. Get it out of your system. Don't carry it. I wasted too many years saying, oh, everything's just wonderful. I didn't want anybody to think that there was something wrong with my program.

I used to say sometimes I'm sober too long for this, what the hell is happening here? That sort of thing. And I've been depressed and I've been close to suicide and I've been all mixed up. But I don't deny it anymore. It happened and that's that. And my best solution so far in my life have been to get close to somebody that I love, hang out with them and talk it out. And sometimes I don't even have to talk it out. I just listen to what they have to say

and something seems to happen.

And so how lucky we are to be in this room tonight. I sure as hell I am

the love that I feel for some of the people in here. I wouldn't have made it because I know that love goes both ways and it's not like my family at all. And I'm not knocking my family necessarily, that's just the way they are. They don't seem to know any better and so I don't want to waste my time trying to change them or figuring out what's wrong with them. I don't give a damn. I'm too busy in here living and experiencing and doing things. I can tell you tonight that my name is Sam and I'm clean and sober, but only because I am a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. And

any other reason. That's it.