Tom B. Jr. from Charlotte, NC at Huntinburg Indianapolis

I don't know if this things high enough or not. Can you hear

my name is Tom Brady Junior. I'm an alcoholic and I haven't had a drink since July 20th, 1965.

That will be good,

and the least you could have done was get somebody to introduce me besides him.

The gym frightens me. Jim is one of those deep and profound thinkers. Did you know that? You know that he has brain damage.

It doesn't have but two neurons left up here and every once in a while they bump together and he has a big brain fart

and that's the extent of his deep thinking.

I don't know if you y'all know it, but Jim used to be a wino out in Los Angeles. And him and another one, I woke up one morning and Jim punched the guys that I had the best dream I ever had in my life last night. And the other guy said, what do you dream? He said, I dream. Mama called me home, gave me $25, told me go spend the whole day at Disneyland. The other one said, you go. He said, yeah, I had a good time. So Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck and Goofy and rode all the rides. And the other Lionel said that ain't nothing. I had a better dream than that

and Jim said well what do you dream? He said I dreamed I had a luxury apt. 2 cases of Jack Daniels came a knock on the door and the two most beautiful women he ever saw came in and started taking their clothes off

and Jim was all caught up in this story. He said why didn't you call me

otherwise? I said I did. Your Mama told me he's at Disneyland.

I want to apologize to the afternoon speakers for not being here to hear you. I'm sure he did a good job. I have emphysema and sometimes what I want to do and what I have to do conflict. And I just had to stop for a while this afternoon. And so that's the reason I wasn't here. And I want to thank you all for having me back up in Indiana. Good, good people up here.

And it's amazing and, and very humbling, truly all of the people who have thanked me today

for the help that I've apparently given him over the years. And I still don't know how to respond to that other than to thank God for, you know, using me because I'm not a special person. I'm a, I'm a garden variety drunk. And I have to keep that in mind. And it's amazing what God can do with a bunch of drunks in it. It's amazing. And I'm here for two reasons.

One of them is alcohol and the other one's God.

And alcohol beat me down to a point where there was nothing left. There was number fight left in me.

I will stand it right at death's door. And I knew it,

and God picked me up and stood me on my feet

and brought me into this bunch of people and has transformed me into an entirely new person.

And I bless alcohol. I'm grateful to alcohol

and I'm grateful to God.

It's a simple program to say, hey stuff you know.

It's not a program based on thought.

In my experience, when I start thinking, that just produces more thinking and that produces more thinking and that produces more thinking. And one great spiritual teacher said upon one occasion, which of you, by taking thought, could add 1 cubit to his statue?

And this program is not based on feelings or emotions.

It's a spiritual program and it means it's based on one thing and it's action.

And it's like so many of your sponsors have told you. And my sponsor told me, no matter what you think, no matter how you feel, there are certain things you've got to do if you want to stay sober.

Now, there are a lot of people in the world still trying to figure out what's wrong with people like you and me, you know?

Yeah. I don't know if you've noticed up in Indiana and North Carolina, all over the country. Victimhood is a growth industry. If you notice that

God is more victims than where you turn, there's one you know,

and I know there are victims in this world, God bless them. But I know that from what this program has taught me that they're going to remain victims until they can bring themselves to forgive those who victimize them. It's their choice,

and there's no board of North Carolina's common egghead type. And I heard him not long ago say that Alcoholics are victims too.

We're victims of narcissistic wounding

and what we need is self esteem.

And I thought to myself, well shit,

Now I don't know if anyone ever wounded my Narcissus. I don't know that.

I don't know if I got one, you know,

but I know I didn't come in there to get self esteem.

I came here to survive

and what y'all told me is one of the keys to your survival is you got to stop being a victim, Tom.

You gotta take responsibility for your life and accountability of your behavior. This is a spiritual program. Responsibility, accountability, all those things that I avoided for so many years. You know, I don't know about you. I'm kind of tired of victimhood. I wonder what's coming next, Basset hounditis, I guess, or something like that.

But you know, one of my favorite bands is the Eagles, and on their new album Hell Freezes Over, they got a song about victims, and I kind of like it. So to turn on the tube, what do I see? A whole lot of people crying. Don't blame me.

They wave their crooked little fingers with everybody else. Men all the time feeling sorry for themselves. Victim of this, victim of that. Your mom was too thin, your dad is too fat. Get over it.

All this whining and crying and pitching a pit. Get over it. It's like going to confession every time I hear you speak. You're making the most You're losing streak. Some call it sick, but I call it weak because you drag it around like a ball and chain. You wall into guilt, you wall into pain. You wear it, wave it like a flag, wear it like a crown. Got your mind in the gutter bringing everybody down?

Bitch about the present and blame it on the past. I'd like to find your inner child and kick his little ass. Get over

You know, intellectuals don't understand this program.

I just know, you know.

When the book Alcohol Anonymous was published in 1939, it was reviewed by an intellectual for the Journal of the American Medical Association

and he found, and I quote absolutely nothing of redeeming value in the book Alcoholics Knowledge Endequo.

The other day I was up in the Intergroup office in Charlotte and the secretary handed me this flower from JSO. And it seems like more than 15,000,000 copies of the Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous have been sold,

is now translated in 30 languages, sign language, Braille tape, and more people read the Big Book on a daily basis than any other book in the world aside from the Bible and the Koran.

I would submit that it has some kind of redeeming value.

But intellectuals just can't bring themselves to understand this thing, you know? It's too simple, you know.

Can you imagine me trying to explain my recovery to an intellectual?

Well, he said, now you've been sober a long time, he must be a very strong person. And I said, no, Sir,

pretty weak. And what I accepted my weakness, I started getting well. And he would say to me, that makes no sense.

And I'd say I know it didn't.

So what do you do? Well, I go to meetings. You sell group therapy, but those are just a bunch of drunks. We get together and talk lie a lot too,

and he says that makes no sense. I know it doesn't,

he said. What else you do? I got a sponsor. Psychotherapist.

No, Sir, he's a plumber

and he says that makes no sense.

What else do you do? We have this program. Oh, now the great psychologist and meta physicians and theologians got together, laid you out a path, and no, Sir, was put together by a bunch of drunks. That makes no sense. I know it doesn't.

Well, who founded this outfit?

Although it's founded by a bankrupt stockbroker and a proctologist who had lost his ass,

he says that makes no sense. And I said I know it. Really.

Oh my God,

it's just too damn simple.

He says, well how does it work? I said. Worked real good so far.

I like to laugh.

I believe laughter and tears are God's way to clean out our hearts and

and clean out our souls. I remember for years I I couldn't cry

and when it came in AA first six months I was here all day was crap. All you had to do is say hello to master crime.

And I didn't laugh unless it was cynical laugh. If you fell down, hurt yourself, I'd just break up.

And one nicest things in the world is to be able to laugh and cry, you know, to be human.

God, that's a trip, isn't it? Being human,

it's a simple program, you know, we're all philosophers. We sit around meetings and try to wow everybody with our profundity and air condition

and sponsor. A boy at home said what does it mean? What does it mean? I said go look it up. He carries a dictionary with him to me

and we just mouth off, you know, about profound things. And we discussed the first three steps. For instance, how about I've been in 10,000 discussion beating on 1st 3 steps. Good stuff man. But it's simplicity itself. You know,

when I was a little child,

I knew when I was beyond my limit. Y'all did too

and when I was beyond my limits it was second nature to me to get somebody bigger to help me

and seemed like when I do that the situation would get handled

OK. I remember this kid I grew up with, his name was Ronnie. He's the filthiest kid I ever saw in my life. He could smell him coming two blocks away.

Ronnie picked boogers out his nose, put him in his hair.

Ronnie is a good baseball player. We put him on shortstop and say play deep Ronnie, play real deep.

His mom and daddy were St. drunks. He and everybody take care of my life. Ronnie a lot. I scared of him. It's always scared of him. But I take him home with me sometimes, mother, and meet us on the porch with two tubs, one for his clothes and one for him, before he'd ever go in the house.

And he'd stay with us sometime a week. And he loved my mom and dad. I could beat Ronnie at two things. I could beat him shooting marbles and I I could outrun him, which was good because I scared of him.

And marbles are simple. We shoot marbles. If you win, you get all the marbles. Those are the rules. And I win and Ronnie take my marble

every time. I scared of Ronnie so I go get my daddy.

I said daddy Ron I got my marbles. He said you win son. I said yes Sir. He said it's not right let's go get him and we go over to Ronnie and I think Ronnie stole tomorrow. We'll just get see my daddy because if they son you got Thomas marbles yes Sir, you win. No Sir, that's not right. Give them back. Okay,

now let's examine the first three steps.

First step says I've lost my marbles

and I can't get them back.

Second step says but I know if I get somebody bigger I have a chance of getting them back.

And third steps is you turn it over to the bigger one and you got your marbles back.

There's nothing really profound about that, isn't it?

Yeah. And sometimes I and others of us, you know, get all screwed around on what this deal is all about.

We got the best textbook on the face of God, Dirt

says. In the beginning of that book, we have Alcoholics numbers of more than 100 who have recovered

from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. The purpose of this book? To explain precisely how we recovered precisely.

And they go on to do so.

And I'm one of those who believes that the program of Alcoholics Anonymous is a system.

And if I fulfill the conditions of that system,

than the things that happened to the ones who wrote that book shall happen to me. That's what they promised,

and if I don't fulfill the conditions of that system, there's no way these things can happen to me.

And I was always one of those people. The system applied to you, not me. I always wanted to beat the system or go around the system somehow and it just doesn't work that way.

You all never get bored with Alcoholics

Here. We get bored. We're doing the same thing over and over and over and over again.

I did,

but redundancy is the way that we learn. Redundancy is the way characters changed.

Friend of mine says you saw a thought, you reap an act. So an act. You reap a habit. You saw a habit. You reap a character.

The truth,

I can't change one thing about me by thinking,

but through action, over and over and over and over again, certain things become second nature to me.

Sometimes I wish they didn't. I used to get hold of depression for weeks, man. I get depressed by the tale. I let it drag the ground. I want you to damn well know I'm depressed.

So you'd ask me are you depressed so I could tell you ain't none of your damn business?

You know, I can't maintain a depression anymore

because I know better. It's uncomfortable, and there are certain things I do which have saved my life through the years.

These redundant, boring kinds of God, Do I have to go to that meeting again with those people? I don't like them anyway. Yeah, you got to go.

And AA has become to me not a bunch of people. It's become my family.

That's the greatest family on the face of God there.

And I love being with my brothers and I love being with my sisters

and 1st place on earth. This is the truth that I ever really felt that I truly belonged,

you know, that I truly matched what was going on.

Now I'm an alcoholic, and what I mean by that is I've always believed that anything that feels good should be done to excess.

It feels good overdoing.

So I've had problems with love. Thanks. Sometimes I eat too much, you know, I eat a big meal and you say, oh boy, that's good. And then you're dying for the next three days.

Sometimes I overdo doing nothing.

I've had trouble. I've had trouble with sex, and you don't have trouble with sex.

Remember when I found out it felt good.

Not by myself, just like all the other.

And

in spite of some dire warnings from my mother, a certain part of my anatomy would go right off

and I was going to go blind.

I figured it felt so good I'd keep on until it was nearsighted

and I succeeded in that effort.

I say I'm an alcoholic. I mean, it's I

like the Tasmanian devil sometimes. You all ever get that way? You like a ping pong ball? You got to do everything one time. Do it all perfectly.

You ever tried to pee and comb your hair at the same time?

Got a messy ain't it?

I've always been a great starter and a poor finisher.

I've had two basic speeds, Fast forward and stop.

Doesn't seem like a big problem does it? Man, when I was hurting because of alcohol, Fast forward I won't help. I want it now. Help me help me help me help me now start feeling better. And I put it on stop and go right back and did what made me hurt in the first place.

You see people coming the doors of our program and they're dying and they're wanting help and they really are. And in 10 days they disappear. Why

companies got good? If I had a worse enemy in my life than things going bad, it was things going good

because I had this knack of when things were going good, pulling the whole thing down around my head. Like the Big Book says,

when things get good, that can be bad. That's what complacency sets in. That's when the little monkey jumps on my shoulder against you don't need to go to that meeting tonight. No, you don't need to call your sponsor. No, you don't need to read Big Book. You're doing okay, boy. And first thing you know, I'm in bad shape

now. I'm alcoholic. I've always been in a hurry and I wanted a quick fix. I've always believed in magic and the reason for that is I'm lazy.

And I talked to Alcoholics and and I said I'm not lazy. I worked 80 hours this week. He talking about that. How many meetings you go to? Oh, I didn't have time. How much you read in the big book? Oh, well, Did you talk to your sponsor? No. Then you lazy. It's amazing how hard I work to be an alcoholic. There's no harder job. And I expected sobriety to be a slide. Give it to me and give it to me. Now fix me God with your magic wand

as soon as my ass warms the seat and the air. I want 10 years to bribe you and I want it right now.

Effortlessly got news for you? Ain't no magic.

Magic by definition is illusion. It don't last,

all these things. I didn't say I was this way. I am this way. I've always seen things in either or terms, you know, I'm the best or I'm the worst. Either it's up or down, you know, and all of life is somewhere in the middle. I remember going to an alamine meeting one night and some of these ladies know me, you know, and it said, Tom, would you talk to us about balance? I said I'd be glad to if you tell me what it is.

I said it must be that point that I pass on the way from 1 extreme to the other.

Balance ain't even my dictionary. Moderation never was in my dictionary. I went whole hog at everything

and I'm an alcoholic and that quite simply means this. I live in a body that won't handle alcohol. It never would.

Every time I put alcohol in this body, this body sent me a message and the message was quite clear and quite demanding.

Get some more of that stuff and get it right now. That's what my body said to me.

Now science tells me that this is because I have a biochemical genetic disorder having to do with the hypothalamic information Control Center in my brain.

Y'all. I'm saying that I don't either. Reason. I'm grateful for Alcoholics Anonymous. They say you allergic to alcohol.

You know, I have a problem with my mind, and the scientists tell me it's because I have this narcissistic, egocentric core dominated by feelings of omnipotence,

intent at all cost on maintaining its own inner integrity. Alcoholics normal, says you strangely insane.

Take your pick.

And then we come to the point that differentiates Alcoholics Anonymous from all other attempts to help an alcoholic.

The big book says we've been mentally and physically I'll, but we've been spiritually sick also. And then it says an astounding thing, y'all. Once the spiritual malady is overcome, then we straighten out immensely and physically

spirituality, the world is that.

You know, in my mind I have always been an idealist and a perfectionist, hypersensitive romantic dreamer, and I never was satisfied with life or me or you like it was. I always wanted more,

and in order to have things my way, it scared me to death if I didn't have things going my way. I manipulated you and I conned you and I used you and I lied to you. And when you do that to other people, they want to gain some control also. When a wall came up between me and my brothers and my sisters, and when I got a wall between me and my brothers and my sisters, I'm convinced there's a wall also between me and my God.

And I became separated and isolated and disconnected from man and God

because of my efforts to control.

And when you're disconnected and you all know what I'm talking about, you know, loneliness like you ain't ever imagined loneliness being.

And the program of Alcoholics Anonymous at these drunks gave us says quite simply, if you quit trying to control people, you know,

and take a look at that wall that you've built

and, and take out the stones in it that separate you from your brothers and your sisters and your God and walk through and join up with them and repair the damage you've done in the past, God will restore your sanity. And if God restores your sanity, you won't drink again. And if you don't drink again, your body cannot send you that message

as Father Simplicity, because he is. Strange insanity, the program of Alcoholics Anonymous talks about, is not mental illness in the normal sense of that word.

It has very little to do with my neurons. What strange insanity means to me is I've become separated from that which I must not be separated from. That lack of power is my dilemma

and I must reconnect. And if I reconnect, I will be restored to sanity.

And that's been the case with me.

And I'm a fearful person. I've been afraid as far back as I can remember in my life. I wouldn't admit it to you, but I'm scared to death. That's where my need to control came from, Charlie. I had to have it my way or it scared me to death. And and people talk about fear of this and fear of that. I've come to believe there's just one fear. But it's got a lot of legs, like a big octopus, you know? And that's the way a A approaches. It

has one piece, you know. How do we deal with fear?

We are growing, huh?

We don't work on it, live through it. We outgrow it by taking certain actions. Again, the word action. I have a lot to be afraid about. I was the ugliest baby you ever saw.

People ask me how I know that. Nice. My Mama told me that. That's how I know. She said, son, I never saw an ugly paper till he was born and I wouldn't take you out of the house. First six weeks use on earth. I didn't want nobody to see you. And I told the psychiatrist at one time and he said who? That must have been traumatic for you,

I said. No, Sir, wasn't traumatic. I've seen my baby pictures. Mama's right. I was ugly. As I grew up, things didn't get much better.

And skinny little boys, you know. If I turn sideways, I look like a tricycle ready to ride off. My shoulder blades protruded out so far and I try to compensate by bringing my shoulders around. And then my chest would disappear

and Mama made me wear knickers. Any of you fellows have to wear knickers? My leg was this big and a knicker hole was this big and it's always fallen down and I hated those knickers. Somebody said to me not long ago, knickers are coming back. I said no, my ass ain't

and I love freckles on other people. Then I didn't like them on me. I had them all over my body but the top of my head to the soles of my feet. I had freckles where people have never reported having freckles before and I didn't like it. And I like being skinny, no? And ugly

on top of that. I always want to be a macho man, big and strong, tough.

And my mother had four Big Brothers, and they were all my children. And the most macho in the bunch was my Uncle Durwood. They called it a dud, Uncle Doug. And Uncle Doug was a motorcycle cop back in the days when they wore riding riches and leather spats up to their knees. And they had a harness across here with silver bullets in it, you know, and a Pearl handle. 38, sitting high on his hip. He smelled like gunpowder and shaving lotion, and he squeaked when he walked. And that's macho.

And you know what all my macho uncles call me? I had this great shock of Snow White hair and they all called me Pudding here

now. It's hard to be macho when people call you Pudding Head.

And my uncle does, you know, is 87 years old now. He's still the most macho man I've ever known in the world.

You know, I remember back when I was riding behind Uncle Doug on that Harley-Davidson police motorcycle with my arms around him,

I wasn't afraid.

The long time, I wasn't afraid. You know, even then. You see, I needed a higher power. Uncle Doug was and is one of my heroes. And we need heroes in this program. We do not need idols in this program. There is a difference. Idols or poor men and women, you know, because they've got a gift for speaking or something else. We put them up on a pedestal and watch them and demand perfection of them. And the first little mistake that they make, we destroy them,

which is the reason you build animals anyway.

Now, heroes of people get out there and do it, man. And they make mistakes, and they have success in whichever they have. It's OK, They keep on doing it. They get up when they make a mistake, they wipe the bruises, they wipe the blood off themselves, and they go and do it again. So I made a mistake. God, there weren't for you. I do it all the time. He rose with those who accept themselves precisely the way that they are.

And I wouldn't be alive tonight worth, not for my heroes in this program. And I will tell you most of them are dead, but they ain't. You understand what I mean? As long as I walk the face of this earth. Bobby alive and Chucks alive and Harry's alive, you know,

because they are me. You understand that

they've given me me,

and marijuana was perfect.

Not one of them, and neither am I. And, you know, it's a great relief

when I can look at myself and I can say, you know, Tom, there's a lot of light in you, but there's a lot of dark, too. That's OK,

I was telling Charlie this afternoon, somebody said to me not long ago, So some people think you're a St. and some people think you're a son of a bitch. Which one are you? I said. I'm both of them

on both of them and the way I put it is it's OK to be a dip shit if you can accept the fact that you're a dip shit.

I hated my mother for years.

My mother was a very dominant woman. My mother would have breathed for me if she could

remember. I had a bad automobile accident up in West Virginia back in 1964. I did one of those wonderful alcoholic things in the blackout. I drove under a tractor trailer.

I was interaction up there in the hospital for over three months. I was unconscious for three weeks

and when I came to after three weeks, my mother was standing beside the bed and she said the following words. Son, how could you do this to me?

OK, now that gives you reason to blame and hate that.

And I hated my mother for years. You see, she tried to relive her life through me.

Now I could get into the blame game and stay in it forever.

I was my momma's victim. Even psychiatrist told me that about a Mama like yours. That drink too.

Use them. I've learned some different things. Mom and I got to get along pretty good. You know, Mom was a black belt Southern Baptist. You understand what I mean? There's one way to do everything, Mama. Get up 4:30 in the morning. Give God His directions for the day,

She called it praying. But I knew better than that. You know,

read 10 chapters in the Bible because Billy Graham said to do it that way. You know, you slept past 6:00 in the morning. You were Sinner in my house. Let me tell you something. Mom didn't know how to overtly express her love. The last five years of her life. She had Alzheimer's and she hugged and kissed me constantly,

but she never knew but one way to love me and that was to bail me out.

Yeah, let me tell you something. Mother's dead. Now. If I ask my mother to come to this place tonight and die for me, my mother would be there. Y'all hear what I'm saying?

People don't all know how to show love

in any other way. And we assume that they don't like us or they don't love us. And he can almost feel them struggling inside, you know, to reach out and do it. But they've been so indoctrinated in another way, they can't do it.

And I Revere my mother. I Revere her memory. She's running heaven now. God don't have a chance, I'll tell you that right now.

You know, he ain't got a chance when Mama got there.

And God, what a woman and how powerfully she influenced my life for the good. But, you know, for a long time, when I look back at my childhood, I couldn't see that. All I could ever see with this alcoholic mind of mine, you know, was what Mom and Daddy didn't do. Okay. I could see where you fell short. I could pick out the shortcomings. And everybody here tonight, if you're an alcoholic, you can do that. It won't take but a few seconds.

I can go look in a mirror and do the same thing. By the way,

does it work two ways?

My childhood wasn't that bad. I was born a little textile Middletown down in North Carolina. Everybody on the workers side of the street, you know, was family to me. The people that were management lived on the other side of the streets, you know, a two and three story houses and we all had houses just alike, but we were family.

I don't mean we have the same names, but I mean I ate at your house, I slept at your house by misbehaved at your house. So I got punished at your house and punishment was swift and sure there was no abuse to it. What they told us in this little mill village was boy, if you do that, I'll whip your ass. That's the way they put it. I'm sorry. And when you did it, guess what they did and there was no appeal. And that's when I first started hearing Mama talk. You all remember Mama talk. What your Mama says to you don't make no sense. Mama be switching my legs and saying, son, remember this hurts me worse than it hurts. You

never have understood that. Always wanted to say to her, Mama give me that stick, you know, let me use it on you. I don't want you hurting Mama.

And and I loved everybody on that block. The lady next door was was the best cook on the block and her name was Lena. And she's the best eater on the block too. Lena was a heavy woman. You know, I just love to hug Lena. When you hug Lena, you had a breast in both ears. And she rubbed me on the head and said, I love you pudding. And I just go.

And there wasn't anything sexual about it. You know what I mean? It was like being enveloped with warm, fleshy love. I mean, it was one of them. She's here tonight again

and her son, Bill Junior won him. Little boys programmed for self destruction. You know he never saw him unless something was broken or stitched or cut or, you know, if he's within 10 yards of your car, you didn't shut the door. His hand would be handed,

and when Bill was taking a bath, if his Mama turned her back, he'd escape

and she'd come out on the front porch. They put and he's loose again. They're going to build, making ass down the street. It's my job to catch it, you know?

And then there was John Q. And there was Martha, the first little girl ever played Doctor with. I'd never forgotten her.

Y'all remember playing Doctor? Don't tell me you know it's honest program.

Tell you where we did it and how we did it. Right now,

no, man. Lucas used to come by the house with his own wheelbarrow. You know, wooden wheelbarrow with the wire wheel in front of it. He'd be going down to slap the hogs.

He called me. And I jump in that wheelbarrow we ride down to hug people, you know? And I go wading in the Creek and I catch him crawl dancing, drink with some cold water out the Creek, you know? And life was good when I was a kid.

And sometimes I walk home along that road and I think, man, this is good.

Isn't it pretty? Isn't it all beautiful? When I was a child, I was in awe of things. If this was a wonderful place

and I go home and lay down the grass sometimes look up at the sky, y'all remember doing that

and say God, it's pretty one who made it? Y'all remember

that's a nice cloud. Wonder who? Wonder where it came from, Wonder where it's going. And I get up and go about my business.

And you know, it's a funny thing in this program. The things I believed as a little boy, I believe now,

and the things I rejected as a little boy, I still reject. It's almost like coming full circle again through the program.

OK. I used to go to the movie every Saturday. It costed nine cents. The man next door ran the theater and and popcorn was a nickel a box. Some of y'all old enough to to remember this. You won't admit it, I know, but you're old enough. Have you run out of popcorn? Stick your box back out there. I spent the whole day at the movies. You know what I see for nine cents? I see two westerns, OK, And two good cereals like Flash Gordon and Buck Rogers. Those were the original Spacemen, you know,

and some good cartoons. I mean, Bugs Bunny and Porky Pig, not just monster stuff you see on TV now. I could see Wiley Cowdy, who's one of my role models,

and I'd sit in that movie and Cowboys were my heroes, man.

You know,

You remember Hopalong Cassidy and the Durango Kid and and Sunset Carson and Rocky Lane and Charles Starett and and while Bill Elliott any all remember while Bill Elliott wore 26 guns silver, six guns turned backwards, you draw down a wild bill, he'd spend him all six guns and shoot the guns out of your hands. The Cowboys was polite in those days.

They didn't have to blow your guts all over the screen, you know what I mean? He's fending guns back in there and walk off looking all macho. You're not loving. And my favorite cowboy was a dude named Lash LaRue

and they called him last because the new young is going to have to watch TBS some morning. About 4:00 you might see last

and and last carried a bullwhip and when you drew down on last, he whooped the gun out of your hand. I mean, life was cool

watching last one. Then he stand up on the roof of the saloon, you know, and he'd run all the bad guys out of town. He'd stand there looking macho, you know? And he popped his whip and whistled. And his horse come running back, popped that whip again. And he leapt into the saddle and rolled off. And the sunset popping that whip. And tears come to my eyes. I said, God, that's wonderful. Look at last. And I watched it again and again and again. And he was my hero. And you got to emulate your heroes.

John went home, got my piece of rope, went up on the garage

and look one next door had a pony named Beauty. I said, John you go sound love Beauty and he did. I said now Walker pass the garage

and I popped my rope and I whistled and I left into the saddle and when I hit it you could heard me screaming. Myrtle Beach, SC

Now, I don't know if that was a spiritual experience, but I've never forgotten it. I'll take that. You know, 30 minutes later, when I got my breath back, I began to wonder about Lance LaRue. OK.

And I used to think in my special place like most of you did,

you know Miles and Chatterbury truth. We call the Cheney ball trees where I was,

and I sit up there and do my deep thinking now, deep thinking as a little boiler, just kind of watching my thoughts go through my head

and I think about my daddy. My dad is the finest man ever walked place the earth. He's the sweetest, gentlest, kindest, goodest man I've ever known.

And I adore him to this day. And he's my number one deeper ever want to be like anybody is like my dad. And I think about my dad and I think about my mother and my sister and all my friends and how fortunate I was, really. I didn't like me, but they were nice, you know? And I think to myself, something's missing. I don't know what to do,

but I know if I ever find it, everything's going to be OK.

It was like having a big empty place inside of me, you know? That needed filling. Carl Jung had a beautiful way of describing it, he said. The secret unrest that gnaws at the roots of your being,

you know, and the hand is even as a little boy, I was longing for something. I didn't know what I was longing for. And I know today that it was a longing which is very human, to reconnect with that which created me. I know that. And to me, that's the essence of spirituality, allowing to connect with the One who created me.

Now, I'll tell you this. Now, you don't usually tell it, but I'll talk tonight,

Sunday mornings around my house where the black belt Southern Baptist mother or a real son. When you Baptist, you go to church all the time, you know what I mean? And Sunday morning Mama put on her war clothes. That's what I call them. She always wore a dark blue or a black dress, which made me believe that God liked dark colors, you know. And Mama go in the bedroom and Mama put on a corset.

I'm talking about a girl. I'm talking about a corset, one of the things you string you up in the back. And Mama grew and I can hear letting all her breath out and stringing up that courses when she had a Brazil with hormones and she'd strain that thing on, put on that black dress, come out of that room, could not breathe, could move them to the head. Look like a buzzer sitting on a fence, you know,

and said what you did. You're a good looking woman. Would you do that for me? Here's Mama talk because it's Sunday.