Giuseppe D. from Montebello, CA at San Diego September 26th 1999

Dear Heavenly Father, bite you into my heart, my soul, my mind. I invite you to this meeting. I ask you, let me help somebody in this room. Even if it's only one person. Please take away. Am I looking good? Racket in Jesus name, Amen. My name is Zephan. I'm an alcoholic.

I'd like to thank Patrick for inviting me to come down and share with you tonight a bunch of Alcoholics in church on Sunday. I like that. Last time I spoke here was in a union hall, you know? Now I can't even cuss.

Anyway, I know supposed to live one day at a time, but how many people here sponsor people?

How many know that sometimes babies are better than TV?

I can't wait for tomorrow because tomorrow's Monday and I got this kid that I sponsored and two weeks ago he

he came to the meeting at a great big black eye. So I don't know what happened. He goes, I don't want to talk about it. I just know what happened, He says. I'm in church and I'm minding my own business

in a Catholic Church. Now you know the priest, he tells us to get up, sit down. He tells us to kneel. So we're all kneeling in church and they're all my brothers and sisters. Notice there's a girl in front of me. She got a little problem, her skirts kind of in the crack of her behind. So I pulled it out and she whacked me.

I told him, don't do that again. He goes, you know what? Never. I learned my lesson. So that was two weeks ago. Last Monday, he comes to the meeting. He's got a black eye on the other side. I says, what happened? He says, I don't want to talk about it. I go spill the beans, what happened? He goes, I'm in church

and I'm minding my own business. Now. The preacher, he tells us to get up, sit down. He tells us to kneel. Sure enough, the same girls right in front of me and she has the same problem. I didn't do anything. The guy next to me, he pulled it out. I knew she was going to get pissed, so I got it and put it right back where it was.

True enough. You guys making me nervous. Come on,

if I didn't have fun and Alcoholics Anonymous, I wouldn't be here anyway. I'm here to share my spring strength and hope. I'm not an authority on Alcoholics Anonymous alcoholism. All I know is that I just stopped here on the way to the graveyard and I've been here ever since. A matter of fact, when I got here, I wasn't even really an alcoholic. I might have done some recreational drug abuse, but alcoholic? No way. And I started thinking about it after the fog started clearing. And I did have a 3012

and at 6502's but that was bad luck

And my last, my last drunk driving was on Halloween night 1986 and I knew I was in trouble so I figured I better get creative. So it's Halloween night and this cop pulls me over and he says where the hell do you think you're going? I says a Halloween party,

he says what the hell are you supposed to be? I said drunk driver,

he says. You're doing great,

he says. Matter of fact, I ain't even really a cop. I'm going to the same party. Why don't you ride with me?

I don't think that's funny,

the things we do to get the Alcoholics Anonymous

anyway.

You know, I'm grateful for Alcohol Astronomers because Alcoholics Anonymous has changed my life

without what you guys are the difference in my life and I'll be forever grateful. You know, and I don't know why I was chosen and I don't know why you were chosen. But everybody, my belief, everybody in this room, especially me, has been given a second chance at life, a second chance at life, you know, to not only get right with ourselves, but to have, you know, hopefully our families restored. And you know, it's, it's the neatest deal because it's, you know, it's for fun and for free.

I'm not going to really talk about alcohol because you know what? I don't have a problem with alcohol.

I don't have a problem with drugs. I have a problem 3 inches behind my belly button where I live. I have a problem with self and see when I drink and use I don't have to be me, I could be somebody else. When I drink and use, I could shut off and I could tell you this. If there was never anything invented that can Take Me Out of reality and put me into the atmosphere, I would have found something else. There was no alcohol, there was no drugs. I would have found something else to plug into so I didn't have to be with me.

You know, whether it would be women gambling something because I can't be with me. I didn't have a problem with alcohol all the way to the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous. Alcohol was a solution because I got to check out. I didn't have to be with me. The only time alcohol really became a problem in my life is after I crossed into these rooms and and and

program. My God, 12 steps offer me a different way of living. So, you know, I really don't have, I'm grateful for alcohol and drugs because without it, I would have killed myself or somebody a long time ago. Anyway,

you know, I've done, I've done a lot of, you know, 10 steps, four steps to find out what happened. You know, I didn't do that in the beginning because you know what, I was an idiot. You know, I like to play the game, you know, and I started searching back, searching back and searching back, trying to find out what happened

and, you know, a full blooded Italian, you know, it matter of fact, when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous in 1987, I was wearing a gangster hat and a trench coat and driving a Cadillac that was dying of alcoholism, you know, and I didn't need Alcoholics Anonymous, you know, I just was going to jail because I was a drug dealer, which I'm not going to talk about. All that said, I was a drug dealer and I didn't work for 15 years. Everything I did was illegal. You give a kid a name like Giuseppe, let him watch The Godfather, you know, 256 times. I found a higher power, isn't it

name was Don Corleone. And uh, what happened was I got busted for possession of cocaine for sale and I had three months before I had to go to court. So I figured I'd come to Alcoholics Anonymous. I had two friends that were already here and I figured that I come to alcohol, it's Anonymous. And for the first three months convince you guys that I change my life and that by the time I had to go to court, you'd write a letter for me or have a parade saying Giuseppe was alcoholic other month. Please don't put him in jail. We need him

look on the reason I came here. See, I need an AACA and NA so I could stay in LA and I have to worry about the VA.

So, you know, but God, God had other plans. God had other plans and I didn't know that. And I've been here ever since, you know, ever since. Well, I came in on July 20th, 1987 and a kind of a kind of a weird thing, you know, you walk into this participation meeting in the, you know, the rooms about this big and you got 100 people in there and they're laughing and joking and scratching on each other and stuff. And I, you know, then the baskets came out. So I figured it was a religious program and I was just kind of confused.

So after the after the meeting, you know, I went and talked to my last spiritual advisor and that was this cocktail waitress and sugars I was going out with. And she says she goes, listen, bud, she goes, you're going to be going to jail for a long time. It goes, looks like this is your only chance. And I says, yeah, you're probably right. And I came back the next next day, made a deal with God that he kept me. He kept me out of jail. I pay sober for a year. You know what? Learn how to sell drugs and not do them.

And if I made enough money, I buy Alcoholics Anonymous, New Illinois Club. And,

and that was my thinking, you know, and there's nothing wrong with the gangster hat in a trench coat. But it was the middle of July and I wasn't cold. You know what I found out an alcoholic synonymous was whether that I was scared to death. I was scared to death. And I grew up in the streets of East LA and Montebello. And you know what? Tough guys don't cry,

you know, and in tough guys and tough guys hold their mug. And you know, you don't show feelings, you don't show emotions. But you know, I was already blessed, you know, as soon as Ron got up here and took his cake, 11 years in jail. And, you know, we come from, and I think we come from the same place, I'm assuming, you know, we don't, we don't cry, we don't show feelings. But you know,

my whole life I was looking through your eyes, not mine. What did you want me to be? What did the guys want me to be? How crazy could I be? See, my whole life was an illusion because, you know, I wasn't living. I was living for you. I just wanted you guys to like me, you know, And now I could come up to a meeting, you know, with all these people. And I can show feelings and emotions because you know what? God gave me those feelings and emotions. And I know that feelings ain't right and feelings ain't wrong. They're just feelings. And if I want to come up here and

to share some tears, that's a real man to me and that's real recovery to me. And you know, I'm already blessed. I can go home right now because I've already seen the miracle of Alcoholics Anonymous one more time. Because it will change your life. It will. It will take tough, die criminals, gangsters like me,

you know it, and turn this into mama's boys, you know, in the mama's boy. And you know what? I'll tell you something else I'm going to get a little ahead of ahead of myself. I'm happy to be one of the girls today.

Takes a real man to say that shit, I'll tell you,

see, because I don't want to live my life to your eyes anymore. And I believe in the big, big book too, you know. And if God took a rib from Adam and made Eve, that means us tough guy men who watch too many John Wayne Rambo movies

and we're taught not to cry, had feelings and emotions, but we were taught to stuff them or, you know, and I want to be me. I just want, I want, I don't want to. I almost died trying to be somebody. Now I'm happy just to be someone, you know, And I owe that to Alcoholics Anonymous, you know, and I'm going to start, you know, in the beginning of, you know, of my life, You know, like I said, I'm full blooded Italian. My mom was on vacation in Italy in 1957. She met my dad. They fell in love, came to America, had me

and after their problem started and you know, my mom was this kind, gentle, giving lady that, you know, it was probably codependent and but she was a typical Italian wife. Whatever my dad said, she snapped and rolled over and played dead. And, you know, my dad was this good looking, rugged Italian that was so scary that when he walked down the street, flowers are turned the other way,

you know, and I grew up with double messages because I always thought it was like my dad because I kind of look like him. And I found out an alcoholic's nonness. I'm just like my mom, a momma's boy,

you know, thank God for moms because, you know, she prayed and she prayed and she prayed and, you know, she talked my dad, you know, without a bailing me out of jail. I mean, I put my parents through hell. My dad had to had to bail me out of 7th grade because I got thrown and almost got thrown in jail for making a bomb electronics class. You know what? And, and

they bailed me out of jail all the way from Huntington Beach to Tucson, AZ, where I really got into trouble, you know, and thank God for moms and, you know, and I grew up during the 60s, you know, I grew up, I grew up during that peace, love marijuana. On one side, Brady Bunch Partridge family fathers knows best on the other side, you know, and, and my dad, my dad was really a good guy, but I didn't know that, you know, my dad was an American. My dad was born someplace else. He wasn't, he was, he didn't know what baseball was. You know, he didn't, he didn't know what,

you know, walking in the house saying, Gee, June, I'm home, what's for dinner? Can I help you with the dishes? You know, and I grew up in a neighborhood that had 147 different kids and I think 47 houses. I counted it one day. And, and you know, with my left right across the street for me was all American quarterback and his brother and their dad out there playing catch with them and and showing them how to hit, hit the ball. And my dad wasn't there, not because he was an alcoholic, not because he was a bad dad, because, you know, he grew up in Italy during the war

and he had the chance to come to America and provide for his family. But I didn't understand that as a kid, you know, So my dad's not there. I'm watching everything else in this neighborhood that I can't relate to. You know what? I'm the short, fat, cross eyed kid. Everybody sticking on. I was so cross sighted that when I cried, tears would roll down my back and

and they're making fun of me. And you know what, I needed to drink just about then, I guess. And then so so I started getting, you know, zoned into that TV. I don't know if anybody could relate. You know, I used to get like 2 inches in front of the TV, you know, and I used to watch Father Knows Best and Andy Griffith and Leave it to Beaver. And I wanted to be Giuseppe Brady and and I still wanted to take out Marshall Brady too. I don't care. I was sick all the way back then

and, and, and and I started fantasizing about being that. And I started, I started at an early age

blaming my dad, blaming my dad, blaming my dad, blaming my dad. You know what? And I blame my dad, you know, two years into Alcoholics Anonymous, because, you know, I'd rather look in the mirror at you than the magnifying glass at me. And I'll keep on looking, you know, in the mirror at you, you know, if I don't, if I don't take a good look at me through these steps. And

no, my dad wasn't there because he was working. And you know what, I was really angry and I started taking it out of my mom because there was no way to stand up to my dad. You know, there was just no way to stand up till not even to talk back to him when he came home. You know, I got whipped all the time because I was a bad boy, you know, You know, and I took it out of my mom and, you know, I physically pushed my mom around. I verbally abused the hell out of her. I took it out of my brother and I took it out of my sister. And I took it out on my cousin who came to live with us because both her parents,

you know, passed away and she was an orphan. And I didn't realize any of this stuff. You know, I was just the poor unfortunate kid that had an Italian dad who wasn't American and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I mean, and that's OK when you're young, but, you know, when you're 27 years old in the bar crying because your dad wasn't there, I mean, that's pretty sad, huh? But, you know, and, and we all have different stories. We all, you know, a lot of us blame it on this or blame it on that or blame it on her blame, you know,

my whole life was my problem and I was a creator of my own mess and I didn't want to take a look at that. And that's why it took me so long.

And I'll call Extonomist, you know, to even work any of these steps. You know, I came here because I was going to jail. And Long story short, so I don't want to get into it. The charges were dropped miracle because I should just be getting out of jail right now. And I made a deal with God that I stay sober for a year and and I was going to stay sober for a year. In the meantime, You know when you're stuck someplace and you sit around long enough, you know, you start hearing things or worse than that, you see people come in with less time than you and start getting busy.

In the format and the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, I started watching people come. I'm sitting there with six months and I see people come in. You know what? And, and with two months, they already finished their 4th step and you could already see that change. If you've been around here long enough, you know when somebody starts working the steps, you know when they start finding out what happened. You know, when they start realizing that alcohol ain't their problem, that it probably started way back here.

And you know what? I got sober with the mucky mucks in Orange County. You know, it's a really powerful group. And I mean, they were judging their own a happy destiny. And I felt like I was in the Rose Parade

because they are trudging the road and doing all the work. I just hopped on their coattails. And as they scooted through Alcoholics not on us, I was. Hi. Yeah. I look good, don't I? You know, the question about the first step, Ask him. I'm busy, you know, And see, after after doing that for a while, see what happens is this. And this is just my opinion and this is just what I think. But, you know, I, I watch so many people come and go out of Alcoholics Anonymous and not ones that just just

ones that are, you know, that have some time, you know, up in my area, we lost somebody was 17 years, 10 years, 13 years. And there was this gentleman who had 25 years, 25 years. Every time he walked into the meeting, he got called on sponsoring a bunch of people speaking all over the place. On Friday night, he shows up to the meeting, you know, Mr. Everything. On Saturday the following week, he comes and he stands up as a newcomer.

And you know what? And when he stood up as a newcomer, the whole room was shocked. And somebody went to him after the after the meeting and says,

my God, you had 25 years, 25 years of staying sober one day at a time. What happened? You know what he said? I'll never forget it. He looked at me, said, you know what, I had too many years and not enough days. Alcoholics Anonymous is like riding a bike. If you stop peddling, you're going to fall. Whether you got 25 years in the bank or 25 days, the disease never quit. The disease never stops. I heard somebody share that I might be entered in a meeting getting spiritual, but my disease is out in the parking lot doing

getting strong, waiting for me to have us to have a crack in the armor. And, you know, so, so my first year, what I did was I did all the meetings, you know, the big meetings, you know, the spiritual meetings, the heavy hitters, you know, and we say around there, you know, we should, we should do 90 meetings in 90 days. Why? I think that's great. But I think we ought to be on Step 3 by the second month because, you know, if we, if we push the steps, I mean, I'm going to say something that's going to sound ridiculous and people might not agree with me, but

for me, there's absolutely no recovery for me in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous.

I hear your experience, I hear your strength and I walk out Going to work that program like you did, I could recover too. I find comfort in meetings. I find sickness. I find my friend and I'm friends and I made a family. But you know what? I'm not going to recover from alcoholism going to meetings because I'm hearing you share your recovery. Whether I do 90 meetings in 90 days or I do 2000 meetings a year, I'm going to walk out

hearing, but I'm, I'm not going to walk out feeling because I ain't doing the recovery part of the program.

And I could even explain it a little bit easier, you know, say that. OK, we meet at Lucky John's Bar every Sunday night at 7:00 for, to get drunk, you know, and we all, we all show up there and we, everybody's all dressed nice or whatever. You know what? And, and we, and we have, you know, all the alcohol in the wall. Like we have the Stetson of traditions behind us and we just sit there and we talk about getting drunk. Yeah, well, when I, when I pick up that that bottle and put it to my lips, I'm going to, we can go to

bars in 90 days. I'm not going to get drunk unless I do what I take the steps necessary to acquire the effect I'm looking for. And in this case at Lucky Johns on Sunday night, we're trying to get drunk, you know, and I can't get drunk because I ain't drinking. But I'm talking about drinking. But I can't. And it's my, it's a Barkenders fault, like it was my sponsors fault, you know,

And it's the same thing. And as stupid as that sounds, it's the same thing in Alcoholics Anonymous. So many people, I mean

wholeheartedly and good intentions come to Alcoholics Anonymous and maybe doing 12 meetings a week, but they ain't doing those steps or, or I'm doing 12 meetings a week, but I'm doing the speaker meetings,

the participation meetings of sober dancers, a poker, you know,

and I wonder why. And then after a while, you know what? I'm drunk because, you know, I ain't getting well. So, so my point is that's what I did. So, you know, after the, after my first year in Alcoholics and honors, after I got that one year chip, you know, I was off, you know, and I started doing things my way. I started, you know, I got to speak and I got to sponsor people. I wasn't doing what I was supposed to, but you know, you could pull people around here if you really try hard.

And I know I got into a relationship, a good relationship with my friend's wife. And

no, I don't want, I don't want to tell you that stuff. But you know what? I'm here to be real tonight because you know, I don't want to entertain you. Hopefully I can help somebody whose programs in neutral like mine was. And you know, there was a secret and it was a secret for a long time. And you know what? Guess what? They found out. And when they put and when they found out, you know, it all hell broke loose

and you know, and I'm an idiot and I kept on going to those meetings and everybody would be talking behind my back. But you know, I come from the streets. I'm not going to run. I'm not going to cry for them. You know, I go to those same meetings, those same people that I know are talking to me, talking about me. And I go up and just give him a great big a, a hug. God, I love you when I know just 5 minutes ago, you know, I'm an idiot. I was wrong. You know what? No matter what was going on in that marriage to justify it. And I was justifying it at the time because what was going on in that marriage, I had no business because she was a married woman.

And so you know what? I had to fire my sponsor because you know what? He wouldn't cosign it. So I went from Orange County up to Covina, and I got another sponsor. And you know what? He wouldn't cosign it either. So I fired him. And you know what I did? I started sponsoring myself.

I love sponsoring myself.

How many people here tonight are sponsoring themselves? Raise their hand. You see that? That's recovery right there because it takes a lot of nerve to raise your hand and say, you know what, I'm sponsoring myself. But that's what I was doing. I was sponsoring myself, and I was sponsoring her because I'm a good sponsor,

you know, and I'm getting sick real slow, one day at a time in recovery. And

you know what happened out of nowhere, out of nowhere, You know this great relationship. You know, out of nowhere,

you know what happened? My higher power left, just got up and left. And her name was Sherry. And

that left me with me and see, 'cause I couldn't look at her, see, because, you know, I always get the damsels in distress so I could fix them. And if I fix them, they tell me how great I am, that I'm well. And I keep on controlling them because I don't want to take a look at me. And so when she left, you know what? I was speaking at all these babies, and I just couldn't. And I was falling apart. I was not ready to go drink

and had too much false prize. Raise my hand and say, hey, my name is Giuseppe and I'm full of crap.

So what I, what I did was I figured that I'd have to find another higher power.

So I started, I started reading the book to share better, read the book, read the book, which worked the steps. No, I got to share better, you know, And then all of a sudden I'm the kind of guy I know there's none of you down here in San Diego, but I'm the kind of guy that every single meeting I raised my hand, every single meeting I share for 45 minutes, usually about the same thing,

you know? And I start taking control of Alcoholics and honors. I become the a police, you know,

pull over. Let me see your sobriety, Chip. Who's your sponsor?

And I and I want to control everything. I want to have steering committees and I want to drive, you know what? And when I'm trying, what I'm trying to do is because I lost her one more time, you know, I'm back out there in reality. And I got to try to get two people to like me. And what's a real problem is if if I just learned to like me, then I stop wasting my time trying to get you to like me,

you know, and I'm and I'm when I'm spinning my wheels and that's not working. You know what? So I figure I'm going to Joe and Charlie seminar and I bought the tanks and I listened to him for, you know, a week straight and I had all the answers, right. I was so into alcohol on this. So in the book not working any of the steps, just having the knowledge that I used to fly her on the room like sponsor man.

Excuse me, you need to read page 31.

Hell, are you? Who am I? I'm sponsor man. That's right. And you get your newest, your newest baby to become tradition boy. That's right, sponsor man. Looking for personalities?

And you're looking for a righteous woman, right?

More faster than a bottle of tequila. More spiritual than six sets of acid. That's right, it's me. Sponsor, man.

Excuse me, I heard you shared last weekend if you're having problem with your four step. Yeah, that's right. Well, hey, I had some time last night. Here. I wrote it for you.

I have some time now you can read it back to me and share and tell everybody how much I helped you because I wanted to like me. Don't you know?

And you know what sponsor men like me. A lot of us, you know, crash right into the wall or crash right through the bar, you know, and to the grace of God, I started. I don't want to tell you this stuff. Come on. I want you to like me. You know what? I remember when I helped Bill write the book, Come on, that was my last life. I died with 27 years the first time God sent me to help you guys send me back, you know,

So that wasn't working either. So you know what I did?

I started praying for a sponsor because I was ready to go drink. You know, I have 4 1/2 years, 3 1/2 years of sponsoring myself. You know my first four step was on a matchbook cover. Just said F you here.

I started praying for a sponsor and through the grace of God, after 30 days of praying,

I got AI got a sponsor. I met him over a telephone call and I talked to him for like about 30 minutes and he says, you know, I want you to come down to my house. And that was the longest drive of my life, was about a 30 minute drive.

And I knocked on the door and he opened it up and I just said, beat me, I just don't want to drink. I never met this man before, never except that phone call. An hour later, I was at his house. And I'll tell you, I'm sicker than most. Not only did I get a sponsor that night, but I got to him and I got to her because his wife came along in the deal. And I called him mom and pop

and they had a little a family for, you know, you know, we all go to meetings and get together and everything. But we'd have meetings at the house where, you know, issues you can't talk about and alcohol looks anonymous or you're not, it's not safe to talk about. And I became a newcomer and Alcoholics Anonymous with 4 1/2 years of sobriety. I just didn't have a drink, you know, had all the same rules as I was when I was new. No relationships for the first year.

You call every night at 6:30, not 629, not six, 31630. There any responsibility. You come down here every Tuesday with your writing and we're going to walk through these steps,

you know, and the first, the thing that dominates my life the most automatically becomes my higher power. And I got to get rid. I got to get what's what's wrong in my life, the predominant thing first before I can go on. And what I had to do is write about my higher power leaving,

you know what? And after I got done with that, then he says, well, before we go on, I want you to do a relation because I have trouble with relationships. I don't know why

I had to do, I had to do an inventory in all my long term relationships, like six months or better. And no, that's not funny. If you're in six months, then you're knee deep. If you're like me, come on.

And you know what? I found a pattern. Every single one of my long term relationships was always exactly the same kind of girl. Different names, different features, but was always a damsel in distress looking for me to rescue him and fix them so I can run and control their life. So they could tell me how wonderful I am. So I can think I'm OK,

all of them. I don't know why they're not to do that, you know, and that was like, wow. And after we did that, then then I had to do an inventory. And you know, I already, you know, I did an alcoholic synonymous inventory. And you know, and you know what, you know, on the 5th column, you know, what part does it affect myself esteem myself esteem. I had to do an inventory on self esteem, you know, and after I got done with that, I had to do an event. My life story, you know, from my first inventory was from one to five years old,

from 5:00 to 10:00. And you know what, I had writers cramps. And you know what I found out with my 4 1/2 years sobriety? The reason why I couldn't work a four step before because the 4th step is not the hardest step to work here. It's the third step. The reason I couldn't do a fourth and 5th or go on with the rest of the steps is because I wasn't working the third step. You know what? So what I did was, you know, if I because if I make a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand them, then I

do that stuff alone. And a lot of that stuff I did, I could still go to jail for. So, I mean, and a lot of that stuff I didn't want to take a look at. That's why I drank the way I drank because I was an animal. That's why I drank the way I drank because I did things to people that it was inhuman. You know, I was, I was, I grew up in the streets

not. And So what I did was, was step 1-2 and three when I reworked him again and I found out that steps 1-2 and three are specifically designed to help me find a power greater than myself. When I find that power, then I make a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of that God.

See, I'm just going to I'm just going to talk out of school here of see Alcoholics Anonymous works just fine. But you know, there's sick people like me who like to make up rules. See, you gave me a guy. I said you have to find a God of your own understanding. I found a mile understanding. You know, I'm having sex with this girl in the back of her the car. This is the same one my higher power. And she goes, don't you think God's going to be mad at us? And I says, Oh, no, we're doing this sober.

And I really believe that that was OK, you know, And then I also used to use those two get out slogans like, why did you do that? Oh, it's an alcoholic thinking, you know, it's a disease. It's not neither one of those. It's my unwillingness to change one more time and to find something else to blame it on all the time. Oh, that's my alcoholism. That's why I did that anyway. Alcoholism. I wasn't drinking. Not going to be my alcoholism.

So I made a decision. Do you know how to do this third step? And, you know, and I had to get rid of that old higher power and then I found a new one, you know, and

that that higher power had rules, you know, and my higher power today is Jesus Christ. And I know this is a religious, this isn't religious program. This is spiritual. But, and I'm just going to leave it at that. I don't want to offend anybody by the J word, but I really rather offend you than him. And that's all I have to say about that, Like Forrest Gump. So I found a higher power, right?

And what I did was I got busy on my four step and when I did was I got in my room and I got a chair for me and I got a chair for God. And I got on my knees and I says, dear God, you know, I invite you into this room. I invite you into this chair. Please help me get this caster out because I'm ready to drink. I got to get it out and I'm I'm I'm scared, you know, and God showed up

because I asked them to. So I started doing this sports if I became the doctor and I became the patient, I had to open myself take that cancer out, which has been running and controlling my whole life. Even before I was drinking, put it on paper. I sweat in the middle of July and I said I didn't want to read. He goes, really, what's up? And I says, you know what? I don't know how to read.

And he looked at me and he goes, you don't know how to read. And I says no. He says, did you go to school? And I said, yeah, I graduated from high school, can't even spell high school. I know how to sell drugs in high school and be a tough guy. He says, well, we're going to send you to college. You have too many court cases right now anyway. You can't get a job. I said I'm going to school. I suggest you are. I said, I don't know how to go to school. He says, yes, you do. And I says, how? He says go get in the car.

So I'm sitting in college with the gangster at the trench coat

because I'm really scared now.

And I had seen something on TV about dyslexia. So I told the teacher, you know, dyslexia is when you when you turn things around or you skip a couple of paragraphs or you lose your spot. And I told her she goes, well, I'll have to take you down to go get tested. So I took this great big three hour test and she goes, come back the next day and she goes, I come back the next day, she goes, I have some good news and some bad news. I said, what's the good news? She goes, you're a very, very, very intelligent person. I said and tell those Alcoholics synonyms people that please

and I go, what's the bad news? She goes, will you have a severe case of dyslexia coupled with learning disability? I just what does that mean? She goes, well, your brain's different,

I said. You were talking to my sponsor, huh?

I don't think that's funny.

So anyway, so she I go, what do you mean my brain is different. She goes people that don't have dyslexia and coupled with the learning disability, they see something, they hear something that goes to little storage spot and back to the brain with these wires. So when you want to remember what the letter A sounds like you want and it comes out of that like a computer and she goes your wires are loose.

And so anyway, she sent me to a special class to learn how to read. So I graduated from college with a 4.0 grade average.

I only took one class, but I got a a work. I said 4.0. They had to go get a job, man. I had to make some money, you know? But I learned how to read. And finding out that day in that class that I was not stupid my whole life like I thought I was, was the best news I ever got Besides. But I'm an alcoholic of an incurable disease

and 12 steps, a higher power program and people like you, I don't have to drink one day at a time for the rest of my life.

I learned how to read and we'll take it back to my four step. I'm doing my 4th step and I'm coming the doctor and the patient, you know, and I'm taking the stuff out that I don't remember and I'm starting to feel. And

I, I told you I found out exactly when I became an alcoholic to the day, you know, when I went to kindergarten, it was great. New games, new toys, new friends loved it. First grade. What do they introduce in first grade? Reading, writing, arithmetic. Here's a little Joey in class. Six years old, first grade.

They don't know he has dyslexia. They don't know he hasn't learning disability. What is he the problem child, right? The class clown, you know, I mean the slow reading class. People are making fun of me, you know. So after the first couple of months of school, you know, I told my mom I'm the short fat kid there produced to pick on my daddy's not around all this emotional stuff.

My mom, I'm not going to school no more. She goes, why not honey? I says because they make fun of me and I can't do it. And she goes ask the teacher for help. That's what she's there for. So this little 6 year old takes this wonderful advice because he wants to be just like everybody else. He doesn't want to make fun of them. He doesn't want to be in this stupid reading class.

So and I and I totally blocked this out. See, This is why I drank to keep that stuff down there. And now, you know, I become the doctor and the patient and it's this cancer is coming up stuff that's been controlling my life. And so I take this advice for my mom. I go to school the next day. I raise my hand because I don't understand him in the front row teacher comes up, she goes, OK, do this, this, this and this. She leaves. I got a wire loose. I got dyslexia. I don't get it. I want to participate, raise my hand again because I want to be like you guys. She comes

over to this, this, this and this. Long story short, after three or four times of raising my hand, she thinks I'm being a smart ass. She runs over to my desk. She Yanks the book out of my hand. She whacks me on the head and says get the hell out of my classroom. This is a six year old following moms advice. This is a six year old that that that wants to be a part of. This is a six year old with a bump on the head. 30 kids laughing at him and he's outside the door batter on looking in at them. Guess what?