Mac F. from Las Vegas, NV at Houston, TX

Hi, I'm Mac and I'm an alcoholic. This is crooked, but then so am I.

I want to thank Chris very much and the committee for having me here.

It's been a great time. It really has. I want to thank Tammy for my spiritual experience yesterday.

When you're at the top of that skyscraper, it's like, oh God, please don't kill me. Please don't kill me. We had a great time. Front row of everything. And that's how I like to live life today. In the front row, not back in the half measures row. Nothing personal. You guys back there, I know, you know, this is like five times as many people as I expected to be awake this morning. I got on the elevator with three guys stumbling in and I said, how you doing? They didn't have name tags on and they said not so good.

And I told what's the matter? And they said right along a hard night, hard night. And I'm like, oh, yeah, your head hurts 'cause you didn't use it last night, you know? And they're like, I have a knot on my head where I fell into the coffee table and and I'm looking at these guys and I'm thinking, I'm glad that I don't feel like you feel right now. Every time I see someone with a hangover, I have this

irresistible desire to torture them.

This could get really nasty really quick.

Oh, DJ and Mickey, you don't know what fun you can have up here with this thing.

Maybe you do. I don't know. You are from California. I mean, you know

it, It is really good to be here. I look at a room full of Alcoholics and I feel the most wonderful connection today. And I just love it, you know, because like Shane and Mickey, I was not connected as a child.

I didn't belong anywhere. I was pretty certain that my parents had taken home the wrong baby. I knew they did. You know, I hear a lot of people in Alcoholics Anonymous talk about their dysfunctional family. Well, I come from the Beaver Cleaver family. They're not dysfunctional. I am the dysfunction in my family. They're fine. They're normal middle class Americans. My father was a banker. My mother was a teacher. My sister was a cheerleader.

Yeah,

You know, my brother went to the Naval Academy. I mean, they're picture perfect, this bunch. And then there was me.

God, you know what happened? I can't blame my family. I'm kind of grateful now that I can't because I hear people in Alcoholics Anonymous saying, well, I'm alcoholic because this and I'm alcoholic because my whole family is alcoholic and all this sort of stuff. I'm alcoholic because

because I drank too much too long, too often. Don't process it like other people and my thinking is a mess.

It has been since I was a little tiny kid. I don't know about you guys, but I thought alcoholically long before I ever drink. I just, I loved what Mickey was talking about. Not processing information the way that it comes in. Okay. I hear things and I see things and I process them and they don't have anything to do with reality. You know, somebody was it was it you came here somebody yesterday morning. So they had a real problem with reality when they got here. I still have a real problem with reality. It in turns on my fantasy on a daily basis.

OK, I I don't like reality. It's just not as nice as my fantasy. You know, in my fantasy,

I had several billion dollars, legions of fans and an entourage and a limo and a castle and, and all this stuff, you know, and, and I'm, and I'm six feet tall and I have huge, enormous, you know, things and, and long blonde hair and blue eyes and just about everything that I did not have in my fantasy. OK. And I get up in the morning and I look in the mirror and I go, it's not there yet.

It's not there yet. The thing is that Alcoholics Anonymous has made it all right for what is there

this morning. You know, it's OK to be who I am today. I have a goal every day and it's why I go to AA. I'm sure everyone has their own reasons for going to AA, OK. When I first came here, my reasons for going to AA were A, my sponsor made me B, There were some cute guys, lots of them as a matter of fact. And CI didn't want to go to the bars. So I went to a A, which to me was really a gruesome alternative. You know, I got sober in Denver, Co. They have a club there called York Street, and York Street is

exactly the same hours that the bars are. So when I was newly sober, I went over and camped out at York Street.

You know, I just stayed there because I was literally too afraid to leave the building while the bars were still open. I started drinking same time you did, Shane, when I was 12. I also smoked my first pot when I was 12. I, I remember the first drink because I blacked out. I don't remember the first joint. I mean, I remember smoking it, but I remember thinking, so what's the big deal?

And pot never did much for me that I smoked huge quantities of it over the next 10 years. And I, I didn't even get horny. I got hungry. That was it. That was it hungry. Which is good because if you're a cocaine addict, you don't eat. Okay. So every three or four days, I would assume that I needed to eat and I would smoke a joint and eat. And that's how I lived when I first started drinking. I was a little kid and I didn't have any money.

So we would have to go steal our booth either from our parents who had good boots IE

label like Jim Beam or something, or we will steal it from the liquor store in which case we would steal really good foods like Mad Dog

and Boom Farm. I don't even know if they make Boone Farm anymore. For those of you who never had Boone Farm, terribly sorry, but you didn't miss much. I know Mad Dog is still around, I see it in the stars and oh God I used to love Mad Dog. Me and my girlfriend sneak off to the park and we drink a whole bottle of Mad Dog and puke all afternoon. Just think that is the greatest, most adult thing we could do, you know? It was wonderful because from the time I was a little kid I never felt like anybody liked me. As a matter of fact, I knew they didn't.

I knew my family didn't even like me, that they just put up with me because they had to.

It was a birth thing and they were responsible for me. But I know they didn't like me because they certainly did not treat me anywhere near as well as they did my siblings. I knew that, you know, they got everything, I got nothing. They were perfect. I was a screw up, you know, funny thing about being a Sunday morning speaker, I will try not to say fuck as much as I ordinarily would because it's supposed to be spiritual on Sunday morning so. But it slips out occasionally. I'm sorry about that. But

I just, I can remember from the earliest memories of drinking, that after I had a few drinks

and that warmth, but it spread across my belly that all of a sudden you looked like you liked me.

I felt like you liked me. I felt cuter, I felt funnier, I felt sexier. I felt like I had more going for me. And I and I continued that road all the way through school. I did manage to get out of high school, but only because my mother did the work for me in correspondence classes and stuff. As a matter of fact, she still has my high school diploma because she thinks she earned it. And she's right. You know, I got a note in the mail a couple of days ago about my high school reunion. And I'm not going to tell you how many years

and they said, are you coming? And I'm thinking, I did not even go there when I was there.

Why would I go there now? That makes no sense. I hated all those idiots back then. You know, these people that put on the reunion are all the cheerleaders and stuff. Because now this, I hope this doesn't insult anybody, but it might. I don't know and I don't care, but

the people in high school that put on reunions have no life, OK? They had a life in high school because they were the popular ones. You know, they were playing football and cheerleading and all this stuff, but they grew up to be very old football players and cheerleaders

who are working very dull 95 jobs with 40 million children. And I am not impressed. And then there's my life. And it's like, OK, now I have had a life, you know, and I'm really kind of proud of that. It, it took me a tough road to get here, but the places I've been able to go and the things that I've been able to see and the things I've been able to do since I got sober are just unbelievable. Everything. Everything I have as a result of Alcoholics Anonymous. All the people in my life, without exception,

My job, my, my home,

everything is resolved of Alcoholics Anonymous. And when I came to you, I looked just a little tiny bit different than I do now

Hwy. 92 lbs. My liver was hanging out like this, like a little pregnancy to the side. My hair was coming out in handful. I rode with a a bike. Well, they call them motorcycle clubs. Okay, it it, it, it's a nice way of saying, you know, gang of real sick bucks. OK,

but they knew how to party like I did. OK, We used to sit around you to see how thing while we're chugging, you know, Jack Daniels and eating acid and anything else we could get our hands on them. I'm a human garbage disposal.

I don't introduce myself as an alcoholic addict 'cause I think it's a little redundant, All right? Besides, I only have an hour and if I list all my additions, it's gone. So we're not going to do that. But these people would would eat anything and I never cared what it was I was taking. I don't know about you guys. I think Mickey was talking about this the other night. I never cared to research exactly what it was I was putting in my mouth. OK. I did own APDR Physicians Desk Reference and I would eat the pill and then go home and look it up

so that I would know whether I would to expect to go up, down or sideways, you know,

can actually anything. And I would, I would, I think they would give it to me to see if I would go up, down or sideways before they would take it. I was just a human garbage disposal. If it altered my perception reality, I wanted it. The problem I have is that anything that does that for me, I want a little more and a little more and a little more and then I run into my level problems. I know you've all had this level problems. We're all looking for the level, the perfect high. We had it maybe once, you know, when we were thirteen or something, the perfect high.

And if I do just the right amount of cocaine and just the right amount of tequila, I'll be there,

OK? The problem is it takes what, 5 minutes for the tequila to kick in? By then I've already done 3 lines.

So then I shoot by the line and I'm up here like this. So start drinking tequila so I can settle down a little bit and then I'm settled way down, you know, and I have to do some more code to get. And I was like this the whole time, you know, I could never find the middle. And I got to the point at the end of my drinking where every day it took a quarter better of vodka

and five or 6 grams of coke just to maintain, just to sustain daily living. And for those of you that have ever done cocaine, and I'm sure there's maybe one or two people in here who did,

it's an expensive habit and I had to do things that I would not do to get it. Okay. I always used to laugh when I first came to Alcoholics Anonymous and I would, they used to throw me in the hooker tank when I got busted for drunken disorderly. They didn't have a separate drunk tank, so they put me in with these women

and I would sit in there with this attitude. How dare you put me in here with these

horse. OK these prostitutes. Now I've got puke in my hair,

puke on my clothes, probably some tequila or something else spilled on me, my underwear on backwards. And I have an attitude about these women because you see, I never sold my body for money.

However, if you had a gram of cocaine or a bottle of tequila, I'm yours. I'm yours. I sold my body for any and everything that I needed to feel better. My body was a tool to be used to get what I wanted. I had no self respect, I had no self esteem, I had no morals, I had no values. Simply do what you have to do to get what you need.

And it's a hell of a way to live. Because when you go home after three days of this crap

and you wake up the next morning and you can't even hold down a spoonful of Jello, I can remember trying to eat a spoonful of Jell-o and puking it up.

That was when I had pitiful, incomprehensible demoralization. It was not when I was drunk. I don't know about you guys, but I never tried to kill myself. Drunk over a dozen times sober. OK, Never drunk. When I'm drunk, I'm not even there. I don't know. I'm miserable. You know, identify with Mickey. I used to go get on planes drunk. We'd go to the airport to watch people. Just. I like to do that. And we drank and we drank. The next thing you know, I'm walking down a plain concourse That does not look familiar.

Well, I'm not going to ask somebody where I am. That's khaki. Excuse me. What city am I in? So I would look for a newspaper rack and it would say Atlanta

Journal or whatever, Atlanta Constitution. I would think, OK, we're in Atlanta now we have to get home because I had this problem with blackouts. How many people in here blackout drinkers?

So you'll understand. The first one I had was really interesting. I was sitting in a bar and it was AI was working in this bar. You have to work in a bar if you're drunk eventually because that's your supply line. And they had live music and I looked at my watch and said 8:30 or something, and I'm listening, you know? And I looked at my watch and said 11:45.

It seemed like only a few minutes, you know? And I was like, that's kind of weird, you know? So I asked somebody, what time is it 11450?

Wow, I don't think I'll drink tequila anymore.

I'm going to vodka and that's alcoholic thinking. And the blackouts went from that 3 hours to a lot more hours to a lot more days. And I didn't mind blackouts. I really didn't. The only bad part of blackouts is I have you ever noticed how people that do not drink like we drink, they have this, this desire to let you know the next day, everything that you did. Why did they did you know, if I wanted to know, God would not have given me a blackout. All right,

I believe God is is giving me a blackout to protect me from my own behavior. I really do. But you've always got some gink, All right, who comes up to you the next day and said, do you know what you did last night? And I'm like, no, but I'm pretty sure you're going to tell me, aren't you? You know, and I did some interesting things in blackouts,

really interesting things in blackouts. That's how my underwear got on backwards. And that was when my underwear was still on, which was the first, you know, when you get out of bed after blackout, the first thing, if you're a woman, especially, you check the clothes. All right, Do I have my clothes? Are they on front words? Am I in my own bed or someone elses? And you roll over and you look and you're like, Oh my God, you've heard of the coyote love affair. You know, to your arm off before you awake this creature up, you know, to get out of bed and get away. And

as a matter of fact, one time I came out of a blackout in a clinch, you know, with some guy on the couch. To this day I have no idea who this person was,

but we're going at it hot and heavy on the couch in his living room and I come out of a blackout. Yeah, imagine if you this poor sucker, right? Gone to a bar to pick up some broad get one. Comes home going at it and she flies back and says who the hell are you and what am I doing here?

He's like

I said, Get Me Out of here, take me back to my car. And he, he couldn't Get Me Out of there fast enough. To this day, I do not know who he was, where I was, you know, what I was doing. I kind of like to hope that someday in an Alcoholic's Anonymous meeting, some guy will be sitting there going, holy shit, it was her.

It could happen, you know, just things like that do happen. I love it. But that, that's kind of what my life was like when I, when I was ready to come here. Only I didn't know I was ready to come here. I, I had been in the nut house several times because my parents were where something was a little off, you know,

just a little. And they, they being good parents and, and loving parents, they wanted to do something to help me. So they sent me to this shrink guy, you know, and I went in there and I lied to him. You don't tell shrinks the truth, whatever you do, because they'll gas you or something. And, and I lied to the guy and he put me in the nut house that day, which is kind of scary. I wonder what he had done to me. If I'd have told him the truth, I'd probably still be locked up, you know, permanent lock up. But they put me in the nut house. And you know, the nut house was the first place in my life that I ever really

like. I belonged. I loved it. They give you Dalmain, they give you Quaaludes.

They did a lot of love and attention. You sit there and group and they agree that it's your mother's problem. They agree that your father did this to you. They hug you all the time, tell you how neat you are, and you get to build all sorts of little clay things, you know, ashtrays and stuff. And it's cool. I really liked the nut house. I, I seriously liked the night, like the nut house so much. When they would try and discharge me, I would do something dramatic like slash my wrist or something so that I could stay in the middle. I don't want to do reality. Don't make me go out there and do life. I can't. I just can't.

I cannot go out there with these people and do that thing. I'm not capable, OK? I'm absolutely incapable of doing life. I can't work. I can't. I don't want to work. I don't want to be around those people that are so-called normal. I just leave me in here with the nuts. You know, we had one lady played tennis in the hallway, no net, no ball, no racket. But she's out there playing weird, ducking right?

I loved it. I didn't want to leave. And after about 3 months they checked me out of there and I lasted about three more months and I got him to check me back in because I really, I wanted to stay there. It was a safe place for me.

They did a bad, you know, they fed you three times a day and you got to do all this neat stuff. Thorazine is a real hoot. For those of you that haven't had Thorazine, it's like a a giant mixture of all the best Downers you ever took. It just slaps you right into

great drug, great drug. And I took Thorazine for a long time trying to get antipsychotics.

I like that. But I, I, I went in there again and then I came out and then I went back.

I just, I didn't want to not be in the nuthouse. But nut houses won't keep you forever, especially when your insurance is getting a little thin. And I and I had to be set out free again. And I was in college at the time, and we were talking about this this morning. As president of our Friday afternoon club, you had to do this enormous double bong to even join, you know,

And it was in my dorm room every Friday afternoon. And the whole point of this exercise was to get as many passed out bodies in the hallway as possible. And there was, I mean, you had to step over them after our Friday afternoon club meeting. College was great. I didn't learn anything. Yeah, I did kick it back, Learn how to make trash can punch, you know, where everybody comes and dumps in whatever. And then you fill it with punch and you drink it ever clear. I don't even know if they still let you buy that stuff anymore. But Everclear is a wonderful thing because it makes everything

that tastes good work all right. Most alcohol tastes terrible to me. I don't like the taste of boost. I really don't I know that some Alcoholics do it and some Alcoholics don't I'm one that didn't I just detested the taste of booth. That's why I drank tequila. He's a shooter, right? Just get it past your taste buds as quickly as possible. And vodka doesn't taste. But that ever clear boy, dump that in a in a bucket of Duffy's punch and you're in there. You know you're in there. And the thing about that is it works perfectly for someone like me because

doing an experienced drinker, I kind of like the surprise of when it would hit me. You could drink a whole gallon of that stuff and not feel anything in 1/2. An hour later you are face down

with your underwear on backwards.

Same shit, different day. You know,

I was in college and I was trying to fit in there and didn't separate the party crowd and I decided college wasn't gonna work for me.

Just wasn't a real healthy place for me to be. I don't remember thinking that it's just I quit, you know, and I I went to work in a bar. Great bar, boy, this bar was great. It's two stories, had three bands, 9 bars, which is perfect if you're me, because if they cut you off at one you just the next one. You can really load it with 9 bars cut you off, you know, and I was in there and I was it was all Sex drugs in Rockville that was my life.

How much could I snort? How much could I drink? How often could I get laid? And would I live through it? That was it.

And I remember thinking at that time that that life as I knew it stinks. It's a big, dark, black, ugly, nasty hole and I don't want to be here anymore and I want to check out. And so I do the old slash to rest or take the pills or jump in front of trucks or any of the other things. I didn't really want to die, obviously, or I have gone, bought a gun and blow my head off. But it was the drama thing more than anything. I think, you know, it's very dramatic. I slash my wrist once I went to the hospital

and I'm I mean I'm it's a mess. I can see bone and everything. And I went in there and the lady goes

here, fill out this form and I feel like I need to see a doctor right now. And she goes, well, all these other people are waiting and you'll have to wait too. And I took my wrist and went right on her desk over papers and blood and shit flying everywhere. It was so dramatic. And she's like, and she rushed me right in there. And that's, you know, as long as you do what I want you to do immediately, we're going to get along just fine.

Just fine. You know, I called my parents one night after another blackout and another problem. I've been ripped off in a drug deal, which is of course, I have to. That's what you have to do to get as much coke as you want to do. You have to deal with. It's the only way. And I got ripped off and I was upset and I was angry and I threw a shot glass at the wall in the bar and it shattered. And my boss said when she'd take the rest of the night off. And I'm sure he was thinking, why don't you take the rest of my life off? But

I called my parents yet again at 2:30 in the morning and said I need help.

I said I think I'm an alcoholic and a drug addict, which is so bizarre because these words did not occur in my vocabulary before I called that night. You got to understand this is pre Betty Ford, pre care unit, pre all that crap. There was no Alcoholics Anonymous stuff on TV, none of that the word alcoholic if I ever use it, which I don't think I did.

Just specifically met those bums downtown that you used to go out and tease and throw money at to watch them beat each other up and stuff, you know, cheap entertainment. And I told my dad I thought I was an alcoholic and a drug addict. And he said, OK, and we'll, we'll get you some help. And they called the same shrink and he said we're going to put you in mint area psychiatric center far out in that house. I mean, I can do this. This was the goal, the nut house. So they came and got me and I remember kind of walking down the hall in the nuthouse, check in. You got to check in and I sat down and the 1st

this nurse asked me is what have you ingested today in the, in the way of alcohol and drugs? And I was like, it's a very strange question in the nuthouse. So I told her, I said, why don't you make a list of every available drug and I'll just cross off the one or two that I haven't taken today. It'll be quicker because I had done it was one of those nights where you're just everything, you know, some magic mushrooms, some cocaine, some pot, some coilers, a lot of boots. You think you know

everything. Give it to me. And

if you wanted a list and I didn't understand her question and then she took me into my room and said this is going to be a room. And I said why aren't you going to give me like a sleeping pill or something? I knew the drill and that house and she says no, you will not be getting any drugs in here.

At that point I tried to run. They nailed me before I ever got to the door. I had been tricked. He put me in an alcohol treatment unit. Now, I did not know this until a week later

because I, I went in, I went into bed and I had convulsions and all sorts of fun stuff, you know, and, and shaking and sweating and sweating and shaking and puking and shitting and sweating and shaking and puking and sitting for four days. You just sit on a toilet with a blanket around you and a wastebasket in front of you because you cannot get up and down fast enough.

You don't know whether to sit on it or kneel in front of it. You cannot move that quickly. So you just sit with a trash can in front of you, you know? And after about four days of that, I went back to bed and, and someone took the covers down and I took them back up and she took it back down and I looked up and here was the space, right? It's like,

oh, you know, don't do that to me. I said what's up, Do you want? She said you're going to get out of bed. I said I don't want to get out of bed. She said I don't recall asking if you wanted to get out of bed. Get your ass up. Well, now I'm a fighter, I'm a biker. So I fly out of bed and I'm ready, right? All 92 lbs of people. I'm going to let her have it. And she said cut the tough shit, honey, it isn't going to work in here. Put on your little paper slippers and let's go. So I put on my backward gown and my forward down and my little paper slippers,

and I followed her and we went down the basement of this building. We went in this room and there was all these people that look like you

and I walked in and I'm like, oh, you know what? This is different. And so I sat down in some yoyo at the top there and said hi, I'm so and so and I'm an alcoholic and I was like,

sure you are, dude, you know, And that's all I remember for a while. And then I do remember them passing the basket and I'm thinking, Gee, I haven't got any money, I don't have any pockets, hahaha. And then they said something about a big book. And that's when it clicked. I've seen those guys in the airport and you with big books. Take these bald guys. It's wrong. Take this book, give me a dollar. So I was like, it's a damn, it's a cult, man. They're gonna, you know, they're gonna make me go to the airport, shave my head and do the big book thing, you know, give the book thing. I know I'm on to them, you know. And and so as I'm leaving the room,

like talk to you because I'm sorry to use network, but those are only two words I knew when I came here and I'm leaving the room and they said keep coming back. And I said talk to you and they said keep coming back.

Now this is really a different reaction than I'm used to it. I'm used to get out of here, don't ever come back. And they say keep coming back even after I said fuck you. So I said it again and they said it again

and I walked with the same lady back upstairs and I said that is the weirdest bunch of people I have ever seen in my life. And she said, I imagined you entertained them too.

A couple of days later, she came up and she made me go back. I did not hear a thing. I really don't remember hearing anything in my first UAA meeting. I, you know, I zeroed in on the book thing. I zeroed in on the basket thing. I zeroed in on them stupid smiles these people had. I did not hear a sting. And I started to get into the treatment thing. You know, we got to watch Father Martin. He's cool, eat Graham crackers, group therapy, which I was very good at.

And, and I was hanging in treatment, digging it, you know, and this lady, her name was Charlie.

And that it was very bizarre, Charlie, because she had blonde hair, green eyes, a boy's nickname. And she'd ridden with a motorcycle gang, happened to be a rival gang of the one I rode with. And I got to talking to her and she was like this really happy person. It was bizarre. I was not used to being around happy people.

And she's just smart. I can remember when I think about Charlie, I remember that stupid smile on her face. I don't think I ever saw her not smile. It was revolting, OK. And she started talking to me about perhaps it would interest me to read this book.

And so she dugout this big old nasty blue stained book with writing all in it and said here, start reading this. I was telling Mickey before the meeting I couldn't, you know, I had this huge IQ of 3.7, great average in college. Now here's a book that's written in 3rd grade language. Okay, I'm reading a sentence,

reading a sentence, reading a sentence. I'm like, what is wrong with me? I could not read a paragraph and retain it over and over and over. And I finally, she said, never mind, just go to the back. So I went to the back and there were some cool stories in there, including one which is not in our president edition called The Blonde Bombshell. And it's about this woman who drank, falls off bar stools, kicks cops and so forth, and thinking, yeah, OK, I identified with her. And I didn't realize at the time that identifying was the point

because I am really sick. You guys got to understand when I came here, there were no connections going on up here at all. I'd fried them cross wires. And, and, and I, I had trouble some days remembering my name and I had trouble some days remembering which way to put on my little paper slippers. And I had trouble some days just remembering why it was that I was where I was. And they, they, they still let you out after 21 days. So I went traipsing off all treatment centered, you know,

grouped and fixed and patched up and better. And I went and got my very own apartment

with somebody else's money, which was my ammo. And I sat there and Charlie would call and say you're going to go to a meeting. Well, no, I'm busy. OK, So she can't say you're gonna go to a meeting. No, I'm busy. She says I'll come get you. I say I won't be here. She says I'll come get you. And I would leave. I wouldn't be there. And this went on for about 3 months. I think I went to one meeting

maybe I don't remember. And after about 3 months I had this little person. Actually, there's several people that live in my head,

lots of them, but I have one that's very loud and very obnoxious, and this little person starts whispering. You're not really alcoholic.

First of all, you're too young. Secondly, you're a woman. Thirdly, you have a watch and a car. You're, you're just simply, I mean, you don't meet the criteria of Alcoholics. You just partied a tiny bit too hard with the wrong people. Stop taking cocaine and just, you know, have two drinks like normal people. So I set it up with a couple of friends of mine. We were going to go out and just have two drinks like normal people. And I went to this bar in Evergreen.

I didn't realize you'd ever been there, but I went in there with $4.00 to have two drinks and I was going to have two drinks and go home like a normal person. And it was a really good plan, except I blacked out on the 1st drink. I went to the bar in order to double kamikaze,

fired it up and that was it. Next thing I remember, I wake up the next morning and it's all over again. I got puked in my hair. I'm checking for my underwear. The inside of me feels like a hole this big.

They had told me this was progressive in treatment. They had told me this would get worse whether I drank or not. Now this makes no sense to the logical mind. Think about how can something get worse? You're not doing OK. But I have never blacked out on the 1st drink before

and I crawled down the hall to my friends house and I said I I think I'm an alcoholic. It was the saddest moment in my life,

the day I realized deep down, all the way in my guts that I was Alcoholics. Like Shane was saying last night, my life is over, okay, The parties over. I got to go sit in the rooms with all them old farts to say brilliant things like Henny I still more booze than you ever drank. I did hear a good comeback for that. Next time someone says that to you, just smiled very sweetly and say dear, if you'd have spilled less and drank more, you might have got here a little sooner.

It works.

I called back to A A and Charlie and I asked her to be my sponsor and I began to try and read the book.

I still yeah, I got an assimilation problem. I'm retarded or something and I and I can't seem to understand what numbers mean or anything else. And so I'm looking at these steps and it says step one admitted you're powerless over alcohol. OK, no problem. Your life is a manageable most obviously. Okay, step two, yes, I know I'm insane power greater than myself. They're talking about God and I'm not doing that. So I went to step three while has a God thing. So we're not doing that

step because God did this to me after all. I mean, didn't he do it to you? He gave other people nice things and he shit on me and that's how I looked at God. OK, poo on him. I don't want anything to do with God. God did this to me. I'm being punished. I'm a bad person. Don't even talk to me about God. I'm not interested in hearing this God crap. So then we go to step four while a moral inventory, please. I have no morals, so I don't have to do that.

Five, tell the other person you're moral inventory not necessary if you don't do force. Six shortcomings don't have any Seven don't have to worry about it.

Eight made a list amends or I could definitely do some amends. So I said about to do step 9 like two weeks sober. OK. And I do I go out there and I had a similar situation. What happened to Shane? I went to a ladies house and I knocked on the door and she opened it and I said hi, I'm Mac and I'm an alcoholic and I have to make amends. And I slept with your husband

last spring while you were out of town. And she, she hit me really hard and

really hard and continued to hit me. And I finally got away from her and I went crawling to Charlie. And I'm crying. I'm like, I try to do the right thing maybe. And Charlie's laughing and like, why are you laughing? And she's like, you're such an asshole.

She said the steps have numbers in front of them. Ron comes before two. Who comes before 3 comes before four. They are in order for a reason. People with greater minds than yours figured this all out a long time ago and maybe, just maybe you should try them in order.

What a concept in order. So I started over. One, no problem. Two, I told her, I said, Charlie, I can't do this God thing. I can't do this God thing. Every time I even think of God, I get sick. Every time someone mentioned it in a meeting, I left. I don't want to hear about God, okay? Do not talk to me about God. And Charlie in her loving way would say, you're such an asshole. You know, I love the terminology today. You hear people come in and they talk about dysfunction,

inner child and issues. And when I got sober, it was like you're a drunken asshole, you know, you need to do something about that. And they didn't tell you at issues, you know, or an inner child who gives that crap. You're an asshole. And

she used to say things like that to me all the time. You're an asshole. I'm like, why do you call me that? And she said because you are. And and I would say I don't want to do this. And she'd say, I didn't ask you if you wanted to do this, you know, and she knew how to manipulate me because she was like me. She would say things to me like, whatever you do,

do not write down anything for Step 4. Not do not take a pencil to paper. You are not ready. It's gonna be months before you're ready to do the four step. Well, you know, if you're anything like me, I have to do it now, OK? Because you don't tell me not to do something. So I start writing

and she's like, good. She read it. She said, this is garbage, ripped it up and threw it away. Whoa, now you've pissed me off. OK, She says. I suggest, just suggest that you look in the book where it has a little chart with Mrs. Brown and Mr. Green and all these people, and you try and do the four step just that way. Well, I don't know how to do anything just that way. So she drew the lower columns for me and she said, write down the person you have the biggest resentment towards, the biggest resentment in the world. And I couldn't come up with it because there were so many,

she said, who do you have more resentment against on this planet than anybody else? And I said to me, she said, write it down.

OK, So I wrote Mac. She said, why do you resent Mac? Oh well, the list is endless. I'm a piece of shit, I'm a slut, I'm a drunk, I ruined my family, my father won't talk to me. I I've screwed up every relationship I've ever done. The list is endless. And I'm writing all this stuff down. She goes, OK, she goes and what does this affect? And I and I wrote it down and everything. And she said, are you ever going to be able to forgive yourself? And I said, I don't think so. She said that's OK because God will.