Matt J. from Santa Barbara at Helena, Montana March 20th 1999

Hi, my name is Matt Johnson and I'm an alcoholic, and I'd like to thank Rich and Carlene for asking me to come out. It's an honor to participate in an AA meeting and to be involved in something as enthusiastic as this, especially your skit. It was, it was pretty fantastic.

I didn't know if I was going to be able to wipe the smile off my face when I got up here long enough. And, and Jimmy's been great.

He gave me a lot of confidence when I got here,

he said. He came in from Whitefish and couldn't remember how to get to the airport, so he bought a map and,

and, and I thought, well, that's great, you know? And so when he got on the freeway heading back to Great Falls,

I, I, I, I got a little bit worried, but I thought he knows where he's going. You know, I mean, I thought it was. And then, you know, we thought we saw the sign that said, you know, he goes, oh, darn it. He goes, I guess we're going to see the valley.

I got I was a little so he took matters into his own hands and became a came an unauthorized an unauthorized vehicle and hung a U-turn right there on the freeway and came back.

So what should have been I guess a 3 minute trip turned out to be about 1/2 an hour, but we had a good time. We we found out we were both

golf challenge and

no, you know, it's all clicking. So I I'm really, but I am really happy to be here. I'm happy to be here with my father and my mother are here, my stepmother, and

it's really nice because I I come from a normal family. Both my parents are Alcoholics

that was raised in the Los Angeles area. It was a real sickly child. I had asthma and hay fever real bad. And

you know, I never, I got, I got shots of adrenaline till it was old enough to swallow a pill. And then they put him on a stuff called Tedrol, which is would open up my lungs and it, it would make me feel kind of like how I feel right now where I would my heart, it make my heart pound and my palm sweaty, but I'd be stuck in one place for about 45 minutes. And I'll try and I mean, I never felt like doing anything.

And so it's usually stuck to a Naugahyde chair and

and I would just watch TV and and really that's all I did.

Also, you guys all know Joel. He warned me to you know, that he was sitting right there. And they keep he's my he's my talk meter. I'll know if I'm not doing well if he starts snoring. They said so. Thought I'd give you a little juice for that Joel,

but but I was, I was just sick. I never, I would go to school,

not fit in, have an asthma attack and go home. And I mean, that was really

basically what I did. The teachers all like me, you know, that have me sit up front and and I was all, you know, potentialized all through school. You know,

that's got potential, but he doesn't apply himself, you know, that kind of thing. And,

and so I, I went through school like that until we moved to Torrance and in the 5th grade, I went to a new elementary school, started off fresh and, and I started going and I became obsessed with recess is what happened. Really. I, I never got into academic there either, but I really got into sports and, and enjoyed myself and did that. But I knew at that time that that

I never fit in. I, I would,

I couldn't read or write really. And so I would hold mine up. I'd always sit down. I swear they'd always seat me next to the, you know, the academic giant in the class or, you know, the, the girl that could write forwards and backwards and upside down she goes, oh, here, watch this, you know, and she, she could send the whole sentence in backwards, you know, and I couldn't even, you know, I couldn't even print and,

you know, so it would be like, and look at that. And so I never turned anything in and,

and I just didn't belong. I mean, I it was the way I wasted a chair there basically. And but in the 7th grade, with the with the help of a friend, I wrote a pornographic essay and got expelled from school.

My big highlight and and it, and that was kind of like the start of things. I got expelled by folks rallied together and took me to the I got expelled. I ran away from home. You know, what do you do? I ran away from home. I got caught right away,

taken right back to my folks. My folks rallied together and took me the chief of police at Torrance, who told me what my problem was. He said what you're going through is puberty and pretty soon you'll be growing hair on your arms and on your legs and everything will be OK kind of thing. And at least that's what I heard him say.

So

now, do you see any hair on those arms yet? It's like he didn't know I was going to be a late bloomer, you know, kind of thing. So I sat and waited for the, you know, I mean, forever for hair to grow. I mean, it just it never, I thought it was never.

In fact, it started coming out before it even came on my chest. I got more and I will get this, but I got more hair on my back now than I got on my head, you know? So what's the deal there? I don't, you know,

but

so,

you know, so that happened. And then they took me to a psychologist at the same time, which and she was a dream analyzer and I like that so much. It would make up dreams for her to analyze, you know, and what's funny, you know, it's like nothing's changed in 40 years really. You know, I was either inferior or superior, inferior, superior, you know, there was always, there was always one of the other. I was never just, you know, down the line there. And so I,

you know, that made me different because I got out of school during the day to go see her. And you know, I'm seeing a shrink in the in the 60s and which I, you know, became AI guess a pretty big deal, but

and for the older crowd, but you know, not when you're on 5th or 7th grade. So so I did that. I felt different. In other words, I felt different all my life. You know, I mean, cut right to the chase. You know, I always felt different. I never learned anything in school other than how to play football and baseball. And, and by the time I got to high school, I was totally unprepared for high school. I couldn't, I didn't fit in there.

I didn't do anything. I and they pushed me through.

I graduated in 1969, you know, I mean without, you know, without doing anything. And I, you know, I mean, but, but through this time, I, I, I think I had my first drink. There's always alcohol around the house. I knew what a martini and a Rob Roy and a vodka gimmel and I knew what all of them tasted like. Back in the old days, my, my folks would have parties or they would mix drinks and I knew that, that my father would even buy a little 7 oz cans of corps beer for me at times or he'd buy them for, I don't know who he'd buy them for. I don't think for him, but

I get there. I always guess they were for me and

I drank him so

I'm right-handed. So I'm just going to put that there. Don't get it too far.

I'll spill it on my tie. So I, so I, you know, I always drank. I knew what everything tasted like. I always drank and but I didn't really even start drinking seriously until I was about 15. And when I was 15, I was,

I think I had my first real drunk around at Christmas time when I was 15 and, and started drinking periodically and

from then from there until I was 16 and, and then started drinking whenever I could. And, and, but, and when I, when I turned 16, I got a job on the Redondo Beach pier as a busboy at a restaurant and which was a great job. It was you dressed up in a nice little coat and white shirt and you would, you know, just help the waitresses out. And if you hooked on with a nice one you got, you know, you could really rack the, the tips in and, and, and

3 bucks an hour or whatever it was. And, and plus the tips. Well, in the kitchen, it was where all the drug addicts and Alcoholics were. And the, the, the guy who was the, was the cook, you know, he always had a, yeah, he had like a Camel cigarette, you know, it's like that. And he'd be flipping stuff and, you know, and he goes, he goes, hey, there's a dishwasher job open, you know, why don't you take it? And I thought great, you know, I mean, that was like 275 an hour and no tips. And

but you were there with all the beer, you know, I mean, so it, it made sense to me. And you had to stay late, you know, and I mean, and you ended up, you were soaking wet from washing dishes, you know, you're holding on to this thing and like milking a cow and, and it, you know, I mean, and I think, oh crap, there'd be, you know, it's like I'd be ready to go at 11 and another tray would come in. And I think, oh man, I had to, and I had to wait for that was done. And, but, you know, I just, like I said, all the, you know, everything was there,

uh, that ever wanted. And so I just, you know, stayed, we would drink every night and, and do all that. And then they had their Christmas party that year and it started at 9. And by 830, I'd, I'd passed out, you know, sitting on the only men's head in there, you know, in the place. And I locked the door and went in. I didn't really pass out because I could hear him knocking, you know, and,

and they were doing this, you know, Hey, get out of there.

And, and I finally just said, you got to come in and get me

because I could. And I thought that I didn't want to get up, but you know how you just can't? You know, my, my pants were down and I just, and I was leaning against the wall and I just couldn't get up. And somebody came in and pulled my pants up and

took me out and they just drove me home. And, and at that time my folks were divorced and I was living with my mother in Torrance. And they drove me home to my mother. And my mother was about 5 foot two and she saw me and she grabbed me and yanked me into the house and threw me in my room and threw my wing tips at me and called my father and said come and pick up your son. He's just like you. And

and which was a real put, you know, that it was a real put down, you know,

now it looks pretty good. But

at that time, you know, I mean, it was like

my father was a, you know, a regular, your basic 5th a day vodka drinker and

type of guy who, you know, it's like

I would say we, we never talked when he was sober. And if we bumped into each other, we just kind of apologized. But then what? The once he started drinking, you know, he was a different guy. You know, all he wanted to do was put his arm around me and tell me how much he loved me. And and I don't know what the deal was, but he was, you know, he'd say you were planned. And

now I never got that one at at that time,

but until I got married, had a couple of kids and I planned them in the last stroke myself. So I think you know,

kind of deal,

but you know, but he would tell me that and and you know, he goes. You were a love child and he

and he was like I said, he was drinking and it was more like 2 quarts, you know, but he and he was sneezing, you know, he was one of the eats spaghetti and sneeze. You know, he had the over pepper. It made to start sneezing and sneezing and and you know, and drooling and and it was like and I used to think I'll never drink vodka. I'll never drink vodka

and I'll kind of make it and I almost never did, you know,

I could help, but I drink anything else. But

but the thing about it is he lived in Hermosa Beach. He lived from about here, from the lobby, from the sand and, and I moved in with him and I had that, you know, I was hungover and he handed me like some grape juice or something in the morning. He says, here, drink this. It'll make it, you know, feel better and, or at least it'll wipe that taste out of your mouth. And, and I drank that and, and, and we, we made eye contact and, you know, and for the last 35 years have clicked,

uh, you know, kind of thing. And, and we, we had a great agreement down there. I handled all the cleaning and he handled the cooking. You know, we had those frozen steaks and they throw them in a frying pan and cook them up. And then, you know, we throw them on paper plates and I throw them those in the trash and

we were done. But I, but I learned to serve, you know, I mean, it was the 60s. I learned to surf down there and, and Hermosa Beach and, and I learned how, you know, the important things in life down there. I learned how to stake out the liquor store to get, you know, to get wine,

uh, you know, at 16, at that time, it was kind of funny at, at 1967, it was easier for me to buy a kilo of pot than it was to get a bottle of wine down there. You know, I mean, I could call up my buddy. I call Barry up and say, you know, what do you got? And he'd say, I got to, you know, a kilo of Mexican bee weed. I go great, you know, that kind of stuff. And but I would go stand at the, I'd go stand over at the,

you know, the liquor store and wait for something to look like Jimmy to walk up and,

and say I want a bottle of red ripple. And, and then, and then he always run the risk, you know, because I hated they, they had this Pagan pink And I don't, I don't, I don't know what the deal is with that, But I, I had a, a bad experience with that and some barbecued potato chips one time and I couldn't drink that pink, you know, the Pagan pink stuff. And, you know, it's like I, I stuck on a wall. What you know, how you do, you know, where you just

so I wanted ripple red or ripple white or Akadama, you know, I gave him a choice. I said, you know, and,

and, but it also depended on finances because the small bottle of Ripple only cost $0.32. The the bigger one costed $0.67 and Okodama cost like a buck and 1/4. And you know, so it was usually the 67 cent bottle of Ripple is what I usually got or unless I was in a beer mood and then I would drink, I drank Bush beer because everybody knows that's the, you know, same as Bud. And it was $0.03 cheaper,

a 16 oz can. My father taught me these things, you know, it's like,

so, you know, it's all the same effect after you're drinking it, you know, I mean, three cents, it's three cents. I guess I don't know what you know that way, but you know, so I would drink that and then I, you know, I also believed in better living through chemistry at that time too. So I I liked, and I like amphetamines. I've always liked amphetamines and, and anything related to amphetamines or that would give you any of that kind of a boost, you know, because I always felt like a born Valium, you know, I mean, I never,

I never wanted to get out of where I was, you know, I mean, when I was, you know, when I was sitting there, I would never leave. I never wanted to do anything. But you take amphetamines and, and it made me spontaneous, you know, I mean, it made me want to do things. And, you know, I mean, I had the the whole thing all fixed figured out. You know, I would take amphetamines for the motivation and to get up and get going and kind of just, you know, crack your back kind of thing, you know, and, and,

and I'd start grinding my teeth and then I'd, I'd drink a little alcohol, you know, drink that wine with

loosen my jaws and give me a little spit and, and then I'd smoke pot to appreciate the arts, you know, and that's, and, and that's all I ever wanted to do. That's all I ever wanted to do was just to have that perfect mixture where I was go, go going and I was drinking my wine and, you know, smoking

joint and and just enjoying life and and we and and I don't know. And then I always wanted to go somewhere, you know, I go, let's go to Hollywood. You know, we drive to Hollywood, you know, and everybody go, Oh man, I don't want to go to Hollywood to get but we would go to Hollywood wouldn't be so loaded that we did. And we'd find we'd do stuff like go to movies,

you know, in Hollywood and and he'd go to like to AB movie and and he'd be so loaded that you just I would just walk up and and fortunately they always had good hearted girls working there, I guess, you know, but you'd walk up to the to the to the window and you just go like this.

And they just look at you and go one

and I, you know, I nod and they take the money and they give me the change. And then you, you know, you walk to the candy stand and you just go

and, and they go Coke, you know, then you get something so chewy that you couldn't stand it. And you think, oh man, I've been chewing this all night and

and stuff and you go into this movie and laugh your head off until somebody was behind you would go, hey, shut up. You know, it's like, and then I couldn't, you know, and I couldn't look up the rest of the night, you know, I mean, like that kind of a deal. But but that's all I ever wanted to do. That's all I ever if there was anything, if I could still do that right now, I would do that. I think, you know, I mean,

I love that. And then we, you know, and then we drive home and, and, and back to Hermosa and, and I did that every weekend and then I, you know, when there was cruising and then, you know, and every day during the summer. And around this time, my my mother moved back in with us and my mother was a blackout drinker. She was kind of, she was really that violent, but she was kind of the profane one in the family, you know? I mean,

she'd have a couple of drinks.

Actually, she'd have a couple of drinks and she turned into Linda Blair. You know, where she go,

her head would twist and she goes, oh, but those socks there, you know, I mean, she just goes,

she would just go nuts and she she'd come like she was going to slap me and stuff and and I don't know. But, you know, be one of those things where we had a we had a side door like that. And you know, there'd be things. There was always something that I go, I thought there was a lamp here and and we would just look outside. Oh, OK.

You know, I mean, she just gone nuts and or stuff like that, or my father had the he had the habit. He had a bad problem of playing, playing a song over and over and over again. And if he liked one little riff, he would play that over. You go, oh, listen to this, listen this. And then they play that one little riff, you know, a little piano, you know, deal or, you know, or something. And and we go, yeah, that's great. And you go, Oh, no, no, no, no, listen.

And he played. And then he asked my mother to, you know, he'd make the fatal mistake. He'd say, what did you think of that song, honey? And she go, I'll show you. And she'd walk over. She'd walk over the rugger player and just go and just start popping records and,

and she, you know, I mean, she'd just go crazy and just and break off all the records and, and, and it would be like a, it would always be one of those times when I wasn't there when, when she would break everything in a green jacket.

You know, kind of stuff. And it'd be the night that I'd come home ready to listen to a little Jethro Tull and and I think, you know, there just be a jacket. I thought, what do I do with that? You know, I mean, it's like, you know, one of those things and then we look outside, there just be a pile of records out in the back and I threw them down there. But now what what the great thing about that is, is we were talking about this tonight. CDs have come out now, right? No one even knows what records are but CDs. You can hit auto, you know, or not auto, but you know, you can push that button, it'll make it rewind.

So I've got my kids in the car and I go here, kids listen to this and I just

I put it in a Godda Davida or something, you know, and I make him listen to it. I go listen, Oh no, listen to this. And I play that riff over and over and over again. And I, you know, I mean, I kind of think I'm like passing something down to him now, you know, it's like my father did it for us and for me and I can do it to my kids now. And you know, so and they even do it now. They want to do it. You know, they like they got their own socks. But I, you know, it's funny. I load it up. I got one of those six disc changer type of things. I loaded a Frank Sinatra in there

and it's there. It was their favorite for this one year. It was their favorite. We always had to play, you know, had to play that. And when my old man came out that visited, I said, he'll hear, let me turn this on. They know all the words, so all the songs. It's really great, you know, In fact, it's a great album. Maybe Keith got it back there. He's got a bunch of CDs.

Song for Swinging lovers by Frank Sinatra. I swear it's the greatest. But my kid, my daughter, I got married here recently and my daughter lip synced it or did a karaoke thing on it. Knew all the, you know, one of the songs all the way make me feel so young,

so big deal, right?

So, so I'm living in Hermosa. My mother's flipped. My father is drinking, you know, he's drunk. I and So what I would do is, is my father would come home drunk or come home and then get drunk and then my mother would snap and I'd freak and I would go out. I'd disable my father's car so he couldn't drive

and I would get in my mother's car and I would cruise around and I could drive and and you know, I would just, you know, I'd go and snake out the liquor store, get my wine, drive around and I would drink my wine and then and drink. And at that time I was only drinking to go to sleep, you know, kind of thing. And or enough where I would sleep in the car and I would park in the alley.

My mother would also, she would black out is what she would do. She never knew, you know, she never, she would never admit it in the morning. She remember what she did. And and so she would black out, but she would, she was one of those. She'd be in bed at dark then, you know, I mean, she was in bed saw on logs and and stuff. And so I would just park the car in the alley. Then she would get up at the crack of dawn and be off to work. So I parked the car. I always kept a army blanket in the in the back seat. I'd cover up with that.

She'd wake up at 5:00 or four, I don't know what time, but she'd come out

door open my head would, you know, fall, I'd startle awake, I'd go inside and, and get a couple more hours of sleep and then my old man would take me to school. And, and that's how I went through my junior and senior years and, and, and on. I mean, it wasn't every night, you know, I mean, that kind of stuff didn't happen every night, but it, you know, but that's the way I remember it. And that's what, you know, it went on and, and finally in 69, I graduated high school. And like I said, I, you know, I graduated from high school.

I didn't learn how to read or write

basically, you know, and I and I thought I was sitting next to this guy and, and graduation, we're in a little caps and gowns and I went, I never read a book. And he goes this year and I go, no, the whole school life, you know, I mean, I never all 12 years, I never read a book. And, and so he, you know, he just looked at me and I thought, God, I fooled him, you know, and it took me till I got to a A to realize, you know, when you do that stuff, you're the one that pays the tab, you know, I mean, I never, you know, I never knew that. And,

and so I, you know, I mean, I graduated from high school and I had nothing going on, you know, and I tried dealing dope and doing that kind of stuff. And my mother, my mother at that time tried, she was also in the suicide and

not that bad, but she, but, but one time I came home from, from a surf trip. I came home and there's a pile of clothes on the floor. And I look at it and I thought, you know, and I thought, Hey, we're moving or something, you know, that the clothes are fine. And I looked a little closer and all the sleeves have been cut off all the shirts and all the pant legs off all the pants. And I guess what you've done is she'd she'd cut up all the pants and, and shirts and put them around the windows,

turned on the gas and went to bed. And then my old man came home after that, I guess, and smelled the gas, turned it off and went to bed. And then I came home and saw the pilot closed. And like I said, I just thought we were moving and, and stuff. And so, I mean, it was like this big thing and, you know, the big suicide attempt and, and then, you know, and then she woke up, wanted to know what the pant legs were doing around the windows, you know. So I mean, it was like the gift that was the the clue.

And so they went and saw the psychologist I'd seen

eight years or, you know, the dream therapist and and she recommended a Doctor Who recommended a a form and they got sober. And and that you

year and 69, actually, my father, my father got sober in 69. My mother got sober

January 1st of 70, whole decade apart. They were three days and

but they got sober and and things change, you know, like all of a sudden everything changed And and I was always, you know, I'd been into all this excite, you know, this negative excitement that was going on. We'd have all these big, you know, exciting things, you know,

you know, head twisting and stuff. And,

and then all of a sudden it was like we're going to a meeting and, and I think so, you know, I mean, I just, I didn't know what they were doing and they just went off and I, you know, I just went off and, and myself and started, you know, really hammering it. And my folks moved out of that place and left it to me. And I was there and through the, you know, through that year and, and then I took a, a friend of mine, we were at a party and he said, Hey, let's go surf the Gulf Coast. And I thought, great, we went there. And

so we drove the Corpus Christi, TX to find out they don't have any waves in the Gulf Coast. You know, again, only when it's hurricane season and,

and I, you know, and it wasn't, you know, at that time. So we got down there and they didn't have any, They had this stuff called Everclear, which was, you know, which was nice because you just buy a small bottle and it, you know, and I always wore, I had to like the suede coats that I always wore a little corduroy coats. And I just would keep a bottle with me. And, and,

you know, we're down there and this guy's mother asked him, they asked me if it was necessary that I drink in the mornings in the house, you know, and I thought, you know, I mean, I had long hair in Texas in the 60s and it seemed like even the women wanted to kick my ass down there. And I thought, you bet it's necessary that I drink while I'm here. And, and so this guy's mother hurt my feelings. And basically, so we came back home and we came home and, and, but I had big plans. You know, it's like I've always had, I'd always have plans and then they'd get derailed because of that kind of stuff.

And so I came home and then I moved back in with my folks and they started the ultimatums, you know, you know, get a job, get a haircut or get out type of thing. And, and I was dealing dope out of the garage when my my father found it all and, and, and freaked out, called a sponsor and, and a sponsor said I think it, I think a sponsor used something like get rid of the little bastard.

I think it was his way of putting it. And,

and so he did. He sent me, he gave me a ticket to Hawaii and I went to Hawaii, which was which was really a bummer, huh?

But I, you know, I took a surfboard over there that looked great but didn't float me and I never realized he had to paddle a mile and, you know, to get out. And, you know, I got over there and I just,

you know, I just,

you know, I turn into a vegetable there. I just took a lot of drugs and drank. And the great thing about Hawaii is they had, and I don't even know if it's that good a beer, but they call it Primo beer. You know, I mean, it just sounds great. But you know, everybody, some people I was talking to think it's just ordinary beer. Well, it's got a great name. And so we just drank Primo beer. And I went on the ganja diet when I was there. And, and that's where you buy you. I worked, I buy 50 bucks worth of food. I get paid 100 bucks. I got I buy 50 bucks for the food and 50 bucks worth of ganja

for you who don't know which is really great pot. And then I've come home. We'd smoke the ganja on Friday night, eat everything in the refrigerator. And then the rest of the week I just drank beer and ate oatmeal and lots about 20 lbs in three months. You know, I mean, it just fell off me and, and, but I was, but I was trying to read while I was over there. I realized that I better start reading and everybody's talking about The Hobbit. And

so I was trying to read The Hobbit and I was taking these little orange barrels while I was there

and and this guy turned into a Hobbit right in front of my eyes

and and I thought I got to get out of here.

So I called up Hank. I said, can I come home? And he said, what happened to the, you know, the round tip ticket part of that thing? And I said I sold it when I got there. And he reluctantly brought me home

and started me on the circuit. You know, the you know, why don't you come and hear this speaker, you know, tonight with me, you know, why don't you come in or why don't you talk to Byron? You know, you know, I started talking to all of his buddies, you know, and they would give me the haircut job. You know, I would never hire anybody that that I knew took dope, you know, kind of thing and and stuff. And you know, and I just, you know, I would turn on the AHA machine

and and get that thousand mile stare and, you know, not pay attention and then, you know, and that that uncanny ability to turn, you know, to come back right when he was finishing and I shake his hand, I'd split and

but you know, my dad would take me to me. I I heard Norm Alby and Clancy and Johnny Ackerland and back, you know, you got to hear the speaker. I hear him. I think, you know, it was great, but it none of that applied to me. You know, I was 18 years old, nineteen years old. And so

I, I went right out and got a job working in Sears in the tire department, which is a great job. I love that job. It was 350 an hour and all Aglio can sniff.

They lost money on me there, I'll tell you that.

I'd break, you know, I'd, I'd break open a new can of glue when I got there and I handled all the tire repairs and, and I just, you know, and I, and I, I, and I knew it was killing Brandon. I think. I wonder how many brain cells this is killing. And I would just sniff that stuff until I started myself. I started to melt and

I thought who cares? And, but around that time I was like around, I, I worked there from about 70 to 72.

And you guys all probably remember the drought of 72 when they sprayed everything with paraquat and, you know, changed everything from lids, the, the stems or sticks. I forgot, you know, Thai sticks. And, you know, and I just, at that time, I just put down on everything and just started drinking exclusively. And I was doing, you know, I've been taking so much amphetamines and stuff like that, that somebody would do that next to me, you know, and I was like always seeing things over here. And so I just put down on everything and just drank exclusively

and, and I was going to those great bars, which are like $0.50 pitcher bars, you know, kind of thing where you order a pitcher and the glass is optional and, you know, and you drink those and think, you don't think when I finish this, I'm going to ask her to dance, you know, kind of deal. And the only problem with those is they got to lip on them, you know, kind of an, you know, an inverted lip and, and you would get to that last section and it hit that lip and go, oh man, it fall down the front of me. I think, oh, just give me another picture and

I just drink pictures until I was drunk and then go home. And I did that,

you know, all through my little paycheck, you know, and, and would drink and drink and, and do that. And, and finally one night I had a car, I had an alcoholic car that the brakes were going. So I was stopping it with the emergency brake. You know, I pumped the brakes and I'd stop, you know, you know, that kind of thing.

And, and it, but there's a big, there's a big interchange in Santa Monica. You come down to 10 freeway from LA and it's then they take it 405 interchange towards Long Beach and it's a big bank turn. And that car always wanted me to go off it. It always, you know, whenever I be on that turn, I always thought I'm just today I'm going to let him go and, and just launch. But I was, I was always afraid. My mom could never pull it off and I thought I'd, I'd just injure myself badly and,

you know, kind of thing that I wouldn't work and, and you know, but but every time I took that, it was always the thought, you know, I thought I could,

I just couldn't stand where I was and what it was going on and what, you know, where my life was and you know, all that, that stuff. And, and around this time, my father took me to a Tuesday night Ohio St. meeting and I met a man there named Art Cole who changed my life. And he I'd been, you know, I've been lectured all my life by well meaning principals and counselors and teachers and, and everything. And what's funny, I, I listen to Art Cole and he said, if you,

your actions, your attitude will change. And for some reason I heard that or whatever and, and I said, well, how do I do that? And he said he, he's a lefty. He, he said, he wrote down his name and his number. He said, call me tomorrow and I'll give you an action. And, and so I called him the next day and he gave me action. I don't know if it was comb your hair or, you know, brush your teeth or make your bed or go to work or whatever it was, but I did it and I started taking these actions and I didn't get sober right away. I was still having a

about with rum and coke in the morning and and stuff like that and getting drunk, but I went for a couple of weeks calling him and he hooked me that way. And finally one night I stopped to have one and I ended up drunk in this bar and I had a date that night and never made it to the date. And I called up art and I said, I don't know what happened. I just, you know, I just stopped for one, you know, kind of thing. And and he said it sounds like you have a problem with living in math. And he said what I suggest you do is try going to 30 a a meetings

and if you decide to go be considered the Alcoholics and don't drink or take any drugs. You think you can do that? I said, yeah, I think I can give it a torpedo a try. And I did. I, I came, I was,

I started going, I was like Mr. enthusiastic. I would sit in the front row and, and leave the applause, you know, kind of thing. And, and then at the end of the meeting, when, you know, when the meeting was over and the old timers are just in their belt and I would have a row of chairs put away. And, you know, I mean, it was like just into it. And I got this A, A is great. And

then it was like about 38 days. I realized it was only 21. And what am I doing here? You know? I mean, you look around the, the group, there wasn't much, you know, I mean, they were all bald and wore glasses, you know, or stuff like that. We wear contacts I guess.

You know, I mean it just you know, I mean, I thought, what am I doing here? I just I didn't belong and you know, so I went out and had a three, you know, I did. I had a three day drunk really. So I did, I had a slip and I went out and, and, and I had a beer. I I just started. I thought, I'll just have a beer. And next thing I knew it was Sunday and I was sitting in a chair and my body, you know, like, you know, my body was drunk, but my mind wouldn't turn off and I'd been drinking for the three days and I thought, what am I doing? This isn't the answer either. And I called apart and I said I got to come back. And he said he then and he said, fine, come on back.

And he said, you know, he gave me another bunch of stuff to do. He said what he goes, what I want you to do, he goes, I want you to go to three new people you don't know, stick out your hand and say hi, my name is Matt. What is your name? And then make small talk. And I said, that's great art. But by that time I'd reduce my small talk down to have you scored anything lately? And I'm hungry and you know what I mean. That was about it. And and he said, I'll tell you what he said, I'll teach you the key to conversation. He said what you do is you go up to an old timer and you ask him a question about themselves.