Michael M. from Evans, GA at San Diego
Hi,
my
name
is
Michael
Manning
and
I
am
a
female
alcoholic
and
I
think
it's
a
pleasure
to
be
here
tonight.
I've
had
a
I
was
really
excited
to
find
out
I
was
going
to
get
to
speak
in
San
Diego
because
almost
every
weekend
I'm
on
airplanes
flying
to
my
speaking
engagement
and
I
thought
this
would
be
great.
It's
not
too
far
and
it
took
me
as
long
to
get
here
as
it
does
my
flight
in
Minnesota,
so
I'm
a
little
bit
frustrated.
I
really
want
to
thank
the
whole
committee
for
inviting
me
and
I
just
feel
real
honored
to
be
with
the
scientists
of
speakers.
I
didn't
even
know
who
was
speaking
and
I,
several
of
the
speakers
came
up
to
me
and
I
know
a
lot
of
them,
and
it
was
real
exciting
to
see
him
and
I,
I
just
feel
overwhelmed
sometimes
when
I'm
with
some
of
these
people.
I
want
to
thank
three
of
my
sponsors
for
coming
down
here,
Carol
and
Mary
and
Susie.
One
of
the
greatest
gifts
I've
I've
received
in
Alcoholics
Anonymous
sponsorship,
you
know,
and
I
learned
so
much
more
from
these
women
then
anybody
could
possibly
imagine
and
they're
just
all
real
special
to
me.
One
of
the
special
things
about
sponsoring
is
when
I
see
them
turn
around
and
sponsor
and
I
see
them
turn
around
and
take
people
through
the
steps.
It's,
it's
just
like
a
spiritual
experience.
Anyway,
when
I
called
through
the
doors
of
Alcohol
Anonymous
over
15
years
ago,
I
had
a
formal
9th
grade
education.
I
didn't
know
how
to
work.
I
lived
on
welfare.
I
was
reduced
to
prostitution
and
I
was
a
thief.
And
all
of
that
was
before
I
took
that
first
drink
at
the
age
of
25.
And
when
I
finally,
when
I
finally
broke
down
and
took
that
drink,
I
immediately
went
downhill.
So
as
you
can
see,
there's
nothing
in
my
background
that's
prepared
me
for
speaking
except
for
the
fact
that
I
am
an
alcoholic
and
I
speak
from
the
heart.
And
I've
always
heard
that
Alcoholics
Anonymous
is
the
language
of
the
heart,
where
the
heart
speaks
and
the
heart
listens.
And
I
really
want
to
welcome
the
newcomers.
And
I
like
newcomers
to
know
that
the
absolute
highest
you
get
an
Alcoholics
Anonymous
is
sober.
It
is
not
a
speaker.
And
I
am
not
an
authority
on
a
A.
I'm
just
up
here
sharing
my
personal
experience,
strength
and
hope,
and
the
things
I
say
from
the
podium
are
the
things
that
had
a
profound
effect
on
my
personal
sobriety.
I
like
to
welcome
both
of
you
who
are
not
so
new
but
are
having
difficulty
with
this
program.
I
saw
a
sign
in
an
AA
club
that
always
gave
me
a
lot
of
hope
and
that
sign
says
if
you're
not
a
failure
unless
you
quit
trying.
And
I
believe
that's
true.
So
please,
whatever
you
do,
just
keep
coming
back.
But
I
was
told
early
on
in
this
program
that
this
program
is
not
for
spectators.
This
is
a
program
of
action
and
those
actions
are
the
12
steps
has
laid
out
in
the
big
book
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous.
You
know,
Doctor
Bob,
one
of
our
Co
founders
said
if
your
boy
was
12
steps
into
two
words,
those
two
words
would
be
love
and
service.
And
before
he
said
that,
he
said,
I
want
to
emphasize
the
simplicity
of
this
program.
Let's
not
louse
it
up
with
Freudian
concepts
that
are
interesting
to
the
scientific
mind
that
have
little
to
do
with
our
actual
AA
work.
And
I
see
a
lot
of
things
that
come
different
in
this
program
now,
and
they're
not
providing
concepts,
but
they're
just
as
useless.
And
what
they
do
is
they
just
really
complicate
this
very
simple
program.
Now
in
the
big
book
under
doctors
opinion,
it
tells
me
that
many
types
of
Alcoholics
do
not
respond
to
the
ordinary
psychological
approach.
So
I'm
here
tonight
to
tell
you
that
I'm
one
of
those
Alcoholics.
In
fact,
so
is
my
mom.
We
both
tried
to
recover
from
this
disease
with
psychiatric
effort,
different
kinds,
but
we
went
to
the
same
psychiatrist
and
of
course
the
result
was
nil.
But
the
good
news
is
that
today
that
very
same
psychiatrist
is
a
sober
member
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous.
Now,
my
mom
and
I
both
quite
recovered
from
this
disease,
their
religious
effort,
different
times
and
different
congregations,
and
the
result
was
the
same.
And
believe
it
or
not,
today
that
very
same
minister
that
counseled
me
is
a
sober
member
back
like
Anonymous.
And
I
don't
know
if
we
drove
these
two
men
to
drink
or
not.
The
truth
is,
and
this
is
the
truth,
my
mom
slept
with
the
psychiatrist,
my
slept
with
the
minister.
Now,
my
sponsor
told
me
that's
not
exactly
a
A's
idea
of
a
spiritual
experience.
One
thing
I
know
for
sure
is
that
psychiatrists
at
Minister
and
myself
are
perfect
examples
that
A
A
works
when
other
things
fail.
A
little
bit
about
my
background.
First
of
all,
I'm
Irish,
German
and
Cherokee
and
I'm
illegitimate
and
being
born
out
of
red
light
today
is
just
not
a
big
deal.
But
when
I
was
a
little
girl
growing
up
it
was
and
my
childhood
is
pretty
appalling
For
my
moms
defense.
I
want
to
tell
you
a
little
bit
about
her
childhood
because
if
that
is
mine
was
my
mom's
was
worse.
And
this
program
gave
me
the
ability
to
have
a
loving
relationship
with
my
mom,
even
though
she
couldn't
quit
drinking.
And
I
lost
my
mom
two
years
ago.
She
died
of
lung
cancer.
And
I
had
the
opportunity
to
practice
love
and
service
at
home.
My
sister
and
I
took
care
of
her.
We
had
Hospice
come
in
and
my
mom
died
at
home.
And
she
died
with
a
little
bit
of
dignity.
And
I
had
the
ability
to
get
in
bed
with
my
mom
and
just
hold
her
all
night
and
love
her
unconditionally.
And
I
had
to
watch
her
drink
on
top
of
morphine
up
until
the
day
she
could
no
longer
swallow.
And
it's
probably
one
of
the
hardest
things
that
I've
ever
done.
But
one
thing
I
learned
from
this
whole
experience
is
that
my
whole
life
growing
up,
I
was
so
focused
on
the
things
about
my
mom
that
I
hated
the
things
I
didn't
want
to
be
like
that
I
missed
all
of
her
wonderful
qualities.
My
mom
had
a
lot
of
wonderful
qualities.
She's
a
wonderful
woman
and
I
really
miss
her
a
lot
today.
But
my
mom
came
from
alike
background.
And
when
she
was
13,
her
mother
was
murdered
in
a
drunken
brawl.
A
drunk
slip
my
grandmother's
throat.
So
that
left
my
mom
out
on
the
streets
at
the
age
of
trying
to
raise
yourself.
At
the
age
of
14
she
had
her
first
baby,
which
she
gave
up
for
adoption
and
then
she
had
me
and
she
did
everything
in
her
power
to
keep
me.
She
later
met
this
man,
got
married,
had
three
boys
and
we
all
moved
out
to
California.
That
married
soon
ended
in
divorce
and
my
stepdad
moved
back
to
Colorado.
So
that
left
my
mom
out
in
California
trying
to
raise
4
little
kids
and
we
were
raised
on
welfare.
We
were
raised
in
extreme,
extreme
poverty,
always
having
lights,
gas,
telephones
turned
off,
always
being
evicted,
even
sleeping
in
cars.
And
then
I
had
to
deal
with
my
mom's
alcohol
is
mine
to
deal
with
Constitution
had
due
to
suicide
attempts.
When
I
was
12,
my
mom
got
pregnant
again.
And
this
time
she
sent
my
three
younger
brothers
to
live
with
their
real
dad
in
Colorado.
Now,
my
three
brothers
were
my
very
best
friends.
When
you're
sleeping
in
cars
and
you're
always
being
evicted,
you
don't
have
a
chance
to
make
friends.
So
my
brothers
were
my
friends.
So
I
feel
like
at
the
age
of
12,
I
already
had
all
these
feelings
that
I
later
brought
with
me
to
Alcoholics
Anonymous.
And
those
feelings
were
of
low
self
worth,
low
self
esteem,
not
equal
to
and
just
not
good
enough.
And
that
was
a
direct
result
of
all
that
poverty.
The
drunken
psychiatrist
pointed
out
to
me
that
I
had
issues
of
abandonment.
You
know,
I
never
knew
my
real
dad.
My
stepdad
went
away,
my
three
brothers
went
away.
My
mom's
always
trying
to
kill
herself.
And
because
it's
an
other
childhood
experiences,
I
would
say
I'm
a
fear
based
person.
I
have
always
been
afraid
of
people,
places
and
things.
And
the
two
very
important
things
I
learned
when
I
got
to
the
program
about
Collect
Anonymous
is
first
of
all,
I
learned
that
feelings
are
not
facts.
And
all
those
things
I
used
to
think
about
myself
were
not
the
truth.
And
best
of
all,
I
learned
how
to
walk
through
fear
and
I
learned
that
every
time
I
walk
through
there,
I'm
actually
exercising
faith.
And
the
last
2
1/2
years
I
walked
to
one
of
my
biggest
fears
and
it's
getting
on
airplanes.
It
took
me
12
1/2
years
of
sobriety
to
finally
get
on
an
airplane.
And
I
have
to
admit
that
it's
only
an
A
request
that
gets
me
on
these
planes.
I'm
not
so
well
yet
that
I
do
it
for
fun.
It
still
has
to
be
an
A
request.
But
first
of
all,
I
found
out
I'm
really
not
even
afraid
of
flying.
I'm
afraid
of
crashing,
and
my
sponsor
told
me
I
had
to
be
clear
on
what
my
fear
was
when
I
was
asking
God
to
remove
it.
And
this
is
how
it
works
for
me
today.
When
I
get
on
that
plane,
I
do
not
have
any
faith,
but
when
I
get
off,
I
do.
And
I
want
to
tell
you
about
my
first
experience,
my
first
convention
that
I
talked
at
it
was
in
Duluth,
MN.
And
I
had
this
a,
a
woman
that
was
going
to
take
me
to
the
airport,
walk
me
through
the
spear
and
boot
me
on
the
plane
because
I
just
knew
I
couldn't
get
on
that
plane.
And
something
came
up
an
emergency
or
something
and
she
couldn't
stay.
So
she
just
had
to
drop
me
off.
And
I'm
alone
at
LAX
alone
in
my
head.
And
that's
a
very
bad
place
for
me
to
be.
And
I
come
from
panic
disorders
anyway.
And
I
just
started
to
put
myself
right
into
a
panic
attack.
I
knew
I
couldn't
get
on
that
plane.
I
just
knew
it.
And
I
started
to
hyperventilate.
My
legs
started
shaking
so
bad
that
they
wouldn't
hold
me
up.
And
I
finally
just
plopped
down
in
a
in
a
chair
and
I
just
started
crying
and
and
I
finally
started
talking
to
my
higher
power
and
I
just
said,
OK,
God,
how
do
you
apply
the
principles
of
this
program
to
this
situation?
How
do
you
play
these
principles
to
this
situation?
And
just
out
of
nowhere
came
that
little
inner
voice
and
it
said,
Michael,
why
don't
you
get
out
of
yourself
and
try
and
help
somebody
else?
So
I
ran
around
the
airport
looking
for
little
old
ladies
I
could
help
with
their
baggage.
And
I
scared
a
couple
of
them.
You
know,
they're
just
too,
they're
not
used
to
you
being
helpful
at
LAX,
you
know
that.
But
that's
what
I
do
today
when
I'm
in
any
kind
of
fear
or
any
kind
of
anxiety,
I
look
for
somebody
else
I
can
help
whether
they're
in
the
program
or
out
of
the
program.
And
it
gets
me
through
these
situations
every
time.
So
anyway
when
I
was
13
my
mom
did
have
this
baby
and
I
had
to
learn
how
to
be
a
mom
and
I
didn't
even
know
how
to
be
a
kid.
I
had
full
responsibility
of
this
this
little
baby
and
my
moms
alcoholism
took
her
out
of
the
home.
She
was
never
ever
around
and
this
little
baby
is
sleeping
in
a
dresser
drawer
and
I
eventually
had
to
potty
train
her
and
bottle
break
her
and
I'm
failing
in
school
because
I
can't
get
to
school
because
of
this
responsibility.
Now
after
doing
my
inventory
I
found
out
the
truth
was
I
hated
school.
Anyway,
now
when
I
went
to
school,
I
was
an
object
of
pity
around
my
peers
and
I
was
always
teased
about
the
way
I
dress
my
teased
about
my
hair
and
so
typically
to
get
out
of
my
home
life.
At
the
age
of
15,
I
got
married
and
the
man
I
married
was
18.
He
lived
in
the
neighborhood
came
from
a
similar
background
and
I
have
such
a
colorful
past
that
I
I
like
to
brag
about
this.
I
want
everyone
to
know
when
I
got
married
at
the
age
of
15,
I
was
not
pregnant.
At
the
age
of
15,
I
had
these
high
world
and
high
values.
I
really
did.
I
had
two
TV
shows
I
used
to
watch.
They
were
my
favorite
shows
and
most
of
you
are
too
young
to
remember
these
programs,
but
it
was
Donna
Reed
and
Father
Knows
Death
and
these
are
family
programs.
And
because
of
these
shows,
I
had
these
high
morals
and
high
values
my
whole
life
growing
up.
All
I
knew
is
when
I
grew
up,
I
didn't
want
to
be
an
alcoholic
like
my
mom
and
I
didn't
want
to
prosecute
like
my
mom.
So
when
I
got
married
at
the
age
of
15,
I
had
this
wild
idea
that
I
was
missed
on
a
Reed
Mary.
Mr.
Father
knows
Best
and
unfortunately
it
didn't
trap
that
way.
And
I
believe
the
man
I
married
was
an
alcoholic
and
one
indication
his
name
was
Johnny
Walker.
I
didn't
have
a
clue
then.
I
want
to
share
a
story
with
you
about
that
sister
of
mine,
the
one
that
slept
in
the
dresser
drawer,
because
when
I
got
to
the
program
of
alcohol,
he's
synonymous.
I
used
to
blame
my
alcoholism,
my
mom's
alcoholism,
and
I
blame
the
way
I
turned
out
on
the
way
I
was
raised.
And
after
I
got
to
this
program,
I
took
a
good
look
at
that
sister
of
mine
because
she
came
from
the
very
same
background.
In
fact,
I
would
say
her
childhood
was
worse
than
mine
because
my
moms
disease
had
progressed
and
my
sister
was
literally
forced
to
move
out
of
the
house
at
the
age
of
16.
So
secrets
going
to
moved
out,
but
what
she
did
is
she
took
that
high
school
equivalency
test
and
she
had
to
take
it
three
times
until
she
finally
passed
it.
With
this
test
under
her
belt
under
special
youth
program,
she
went
to
work
for
the
city
of
Long
Beach.
At
the
age
of
26,
she
retired
from
the
city
of
Long
Beach.
She
took
her
ten
years
retirement
pay
and
she
bought
her
own
business.
She
later
married
the
head
traffic
engineer
for
the
City
of
Long
Beach
And
two
years
ago,
at
the
age
of
30,
my
sister
was
awarded
Woman
Entrepreneur
of
the
Year.
Now,
even
today,
sometimes
I
still
don't
get
it.
Same
mom,
same
background,
different
reactions.
You
know?
The
difference
is
my
sister's
not
an
alcoholic.
My
sister
is
not
bottling,
mentally
different
from
her
fellows.
My
sister
reacts
to
life
situations
differently
than
I
do.
So
today
I
get
picked
up
responsibility,
you
know,
I
can
no
longer
blame
people,
places
and
things.
Yes,
I
am
an
alcoholic
and
I
do
have
a
disease.
But
today
I
have
a
solution.
And
for
me,
part
of
my
solution
is
being
accountable
for
my
actions,
my
past
actions
and
my
present
actions.
So
anyway,
at
age
of
15,
I
got
married.
At
the
age
of
17,
I
did
have
a
baby.
At
the
age
of
18,
I
had
to
get
out
of
this
marriage
because
this
man
took
me
through
a
whole
new
phase
of
alcoholism
I
never
experienced
with
my
mom.
And
it's
called
physical
abuse.
And
he
never
abused
me
unless
he
was
drinking,
but
he
abused
me
to
of
cutting
me
up
with
a
knife
and
I
had
to
have
surgery
to
repair
the
damage.
And
so
I
got
out
of
that
marriage
at
the
age
of
18.
And
I
feel
like
that's
when
I
started
on
the
road
of
being
everything
for
I'd
never
be
doing
everything
I
toward
never
do
hadn't
even
taken
a
drink
of
alcohol
yet.
I
always
intuitively
knew
if
I
took
a
drink,
I'd
be
an
alcoholic.
But
it
started
out
with
me
being
a
single
mother
living
on
welfare
my
whole
life
growing
up
like
that.
I
swore
when
I
grew
up
I
wouldn't
live
like
that.
And
there
I
was
now
on
page
23
in
the
big
book,
it
says
the
main
problem
of
the
alcoholic
centers
in
his
mind,
in
his
body.
So
we're
talking
about
the
main
problem
in
the
mental
obsession
and
not
the
physical
allergy.
So
I
know
for
me,
I
practice
my
disease
of
alcoholism
way
before
we
took
that
first
drink
because
I've
always
had
the
mental
obsession
part
of
this
disease.
And
I
practiced
it
in
the
form
of
compulsive
overheating.
I
would
shove
food
in
my
mouth
instead
of
alcohol.
Then
I
discovered
that
wonderful
world
of
diet
pills.
Now,
that's
back
in
the
days
when
doctors
used
to
give
these
really
good
amphetamines,
you
know,
like
methadone,
Dexedrine.
So
I
went
on
this
diet
for
16
years.
When
I
finally
took
that
drink
at
the
age
of
25,
I
immediately
had
the
physical
allergy.
From
that
very
first
drink,
I
had
the
phenomena
of
craving.
From
that
very
first
drink,
I
had
a
personality
change.
Doctor
Jekyll
and
Mr.
Hyde,
you
read
about
that
in
the
big
Book,
and
the
big
book
refers
to
that
is
a
real
alcoholic.
And
I
personally
so
physically
allergic
to
alcohol
that
when
I
consume
alcohol
I
break
out
in
a
rash,
wealth
and
hives
all
over
my
body.
And
I
was
always
too
drunk
to
have
a
clue
that
that
wasn't
normal.
And
if
I'd
had
a
clue
would
have
made
a
difference.
And
from
that
very
first
drink,
I
drank
morning,
noon
and
night.
And
I
did
not
draw
a
sober
breath
on
the
age
of
25
to
the
age
of
31.
And
that
is
not
an
exaggeration.
I
had
a
huge
spiritual
experience
way
before
we
got
to
this
program.
And
this
is
equivalent
to
the
one
that
Bill
had.
Bill
Story
Now
in
the
big
book,
it
says
as
a
result
of
a
spiritual
awakening,
you'll
have
a
change
in
psyche,
a
change
in
attitude.
It
says
you'll
have
a
huge
emotional
displacement,
rearrangement.
And
this
virtual
experience
I
had
was
not
enough
for
me
to
achieve
that.
And
I
believe
it's
because
I
did
not
have
a
plan
of
action
to
go
with
it.
But
it
was
enough
for
me
to
come
to
believe
that
a
power
greater
than
myself
to
destroy
me
to
sanity.
So
what
I
did
with
this
experience
is
I
went
to
this
church,
counseled
with
this
minister,
I
told
him
all
about
my
spiritual
experience.
I
told
him
all
my
character
defects
and
all
my
shortcomings.
And
this
man
assured
me
if
I
got
really
active
in
this
church
and
I
read
all
these
inspirational
books
and
did
all
this
positive
thinking,
all
these
affirmations
that
I
could
be
everything
that
I
ever
wanted
to
be.
Next
I
got
this
program.
I
heard
a
man
named
Chuck
C
say
if
you're
alcoholic,
you
cannot
think
you're
way
into
right
actions.
He
said
if
you're
alcoholic,
you
have
to
act
your
way
into
right
thinking.
And
I
am
absolute
proof
of
that
because
I
got
real
active
in
that
church.
I
even
became
secretary
of
that
church.
And
I
struggled
reading
those
books
because
I
couldn't
read
very
well.
I
did
all
that
positive
thinking,
constant,
constant
affirmations.
And
the
only
thing
that
resulted
is
I
ended
up
having
a
torrid
affair
with
this
minister,
and
it
absolutely
infuriated
his
wife.
And
the
rest
of
the
congregation
wasn't
too
thrilled
about
it
either.
But
the
one
thing
I'm
going
to
share
with
you
now
is
the
one
thing
I
thought
I'd
take
to
the
grave
with
me
as
secretary
of
that
church.
It
was
my
job
to
handle
the
money.
And
when
I
handled
that
money,
I
sold
part
of
that
money.
Now,
at
this
point
in
my
life,
I
knew
beyond
a
shadow
of
a
shadow
of
a
doubt
that
my
only
hope
was
God
because
I
had
just
had
a
spiritual
experience.
And
I
turned
to
God
for
help.
And
I
ended
up
seducing
his
minister
and
ripping
off
his
church.
So
I
truly
know
the
feeling
of
hopelessness
that
they
talked
about
in
the
big
book.
And
I
want
to
share
two
stories
with
you.
While
I'm
on
the
subject
of
the
minister,
I
like
to
share
this
first
story
because
it's
first
time
I
was
ever
able
to
laugh
at
any
part
of
my
alcoholism.
I
always
thought
my
story
was
just
much
too
serious,
but
when
I
got
here,
I
heard
that
laughter
was
healing.
When
I
got
here,
I
used
to
hang
out
at
the
very
back
of
the
room
and
I
have
a
friend
named
Teddy
and
Teddy
calls
the
back
of
the
room
the
half
measure
section
or
the
denial
section.
Now
I
didn't
hang
out
back
there
for
either
those
reasons.
I
hung
out
back
there
because
I
couldn't
read
very
well.
And
I
was
that
they
would
ask
me
to
read
something.
I
literally
could
not
say
the
word
anonymity
for
over
six
months.
So
I'd
hide
out
of
the
back
of
the
room
and
speakers
would
get
up
and
show
their
stuff
and
everybody
would
laugh,
you
know?
And
at
first
I
was
incapable
of
laughing.
And
then
after
I
got
some
sobriety
under
my
belt,
one
day
back
there,
I
caught
myself
laughing
too.
Right
after
having
this
big
belly
lap,
I
found
myself
thinking,
well,
that
might
be
funny
for
you,
but
there's
nothing,
absolutely
nothing
in
my
background
that
I
could
ever
laugh
at.
And
then
about
three
years
ago,
I
speaking
in
Steel
Beach
and
it
was
just
my
second
time
to
ever
give
a
talk.
My
daughter
wanted
to
come
hear
me.
Now,
my
daughter
got
to
this
program
for
the
first
time
when
she
was
15
years
old.
And
before
the
meeting,
she
got
some
of
her
programmed
girlfriends
over.
We
sat
down,
we
had
coffee,
and
she
proceeded
to
tell
these
girls
my
drunk
a
log.
And
it's
just
the
first
time
I
was
ever
able
to
laugh
at
anything
for
some
reason.
Little
funnier
coming
out
of
her
mouth
and
out
of
my
head.
But
of
course,
of
course,
she's
20,
filled
all
about
the
minister,
you
know,
And
I
just
never
thought
about
how
some
of
this
stuff
looked
through
the
eyes
of
a
little
9
year
old.
And
she's
telling
these
girls
that
I
am
dragging
her
off
the
church
every
day.
She's
learning
things
like
the
10
commandments,
the
golden
rule,
I'm
constantly
preaching
all
this
religious
stuff
to
her.
She
comes
home
from
school
at
3:00
in
the
afternoon.
She
opens
the
bedroom
door
and
they're
naked
in
bed
with
her.
Mom
is
the
married
minister
of
the
church.
Now,
when
she
first
said
this,
I
just
felt
all
this
shame,
all
this
guilt
and
embarrassment,
embarrassment.
And
I
just
looked
at
her
and
I
said,
God,
honey,
that
must
have
been
a
terrible
shot.
And
she
just
looked
at
me
and
she
said,
no,
mom,
I
don't
know
what
shocked
me
the
most
in
that
minister
naked
or
seeing
his
artificial
leg
on
the
floor.
Up
until
that
time,
I
forgot
he
had
this
artificial
leg.
And
this
is
a
huge
leg.
I
don't
know
how
I
could
forget
it,
but
trust
me,
this
man
in
no
way
was
disabled.
My
face
gets
red
after
I
got
to
the
program
about
like
anonymous.
I
started
working
those
12
steps.
I
found
for
me,
the
most
important
step
was
step
9.
Now,
Step
9
is
immense
step,
the
step
where
we
make
restitution.
And
I
recommend
you
do
the
first
eight
steps
before
you
get
to
step
nine.
I
know
some
people
come
into
this
program,
they
take
a
look
at
step
nine.
It's
so
scary.
They
turn
around
and
they
leave.
And
other
people
come
in
and
start
right
in
on
Step
9
and
make
inappropriate
amends.
And
I
believe
the
steps
are
in
order
for
a
reason.
And
I
believe
this
one
in
particular
should
be
taken
with
the
advice
of
a
sponsor.
So
I
call
step
9
the
Freedom
Step.
This
is
a
step
that
truly
freed
me
from
the
bondage
of
my
past.
And
it's
just
not
a
coincidence
that
in
the
big
book,
the
promises
come
after
Step
9.
And
it
says
before
you're
halfway
through,
you're
going
to
know
a
new
freedom
and
a
new
happiness.
It
says
you
won't
regret
the
past
or
wish
to
shut
the
door
on
it
and
so
on
and
so
on.
And
I
did
not
have
to
wait
to
get
halfway
through
step
nine.
That
happened
to
me.
My
very
first
amends
that
was
going
back
to
that
church
telling
that
minister
I
used
to
steal
from
the
church
funds.
And
he
told
me
he
knew
that
and
I
set
up
a
payment
schedule
to
pay
back
the
church.
Then
I
had
to
tell
him
that
I
used
to
fill
out
his
wallet
when
he
was
in
the
shower
and
he
told
me
he
did
not
know
that.
So
I
made
the
restitution
to
him.
But
the
neat
thing
about
this
whole
experience
that
he
shared
with
me
at
that
time,
he
knew
exactly
what
I
was
doing
by
the
time
I
got
to
him.
He
had
feared
the
sobriety
in
the
program
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous
when
he
lost
his
leg
in
that
motorcycle
accident.
He
was
an
alcoholic
and
a
drug
addict
and
he
actually
died
on
the
operating
table.
He
had
one
of
those
near
death
experiences,
which
for
him
was
his
spiritual
experience.
And
that's
what
led
him
into
ministers
going
to
coming
to
minister.
And
even
he
could
not
get
sober
in
church.
And
I'm
not
putting
down
churches
and
I'm
not
putting
down
psychiatric
effort
because
the
Big
Book
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous
makes
it
real
clear
that
this
program
owes
a
lot
to
both
of
these
institutions.
And
in
the
Big
Book,
it
says
if
you
need
professional
help,
do
not
hesitate
to
seek
it.
But
I
got
to
tell
you,
for
me,
it
was
all
about
that
miracle
that
happened
when
one
drank
reaches
out
to
another
drink.
So
anyway,
I've
been
kicked
out
of
this
church.
I'm
27
years
old.
I'm
going
into
my
drinking,
live
in
an
apartment
and
being
a
vicious
on
this
is
my
normal
ammo.
I've
always
been
evicted,
slicing
gas
have
been
turned
off
for
a
very
long
time.
But
I
still
had
a
telephone
and
I
got
this
call
at
11:00
at
night
and
I
could
not
believe
the
man
on
the
other
end
of
this
phone.
It
was
my
real
dad.
Now,
I
barely
knew
this
man's
name
was
on
my
birth
certificate,
and
he
wanted
to
make
amends
for
not
being
in
my
life.
He
wanted
to
get
to
know
me.
He
wanted
to
get
to
know
my
daughter.
So
he
offered
me
an
opportunity
to
move
to
Colorado
to
get
to
know
his
old
family.
And
I
did
not
want
to
go.
I
didn't
have
any
desire
to
get
to
know
him.
But
mostly
I
didn't
want
to
move
to
the
snow.
But
at
that
point
in
my
life,
I
didn't
have
any
place
to
go
except
for
out
on
the
streets
and
deep,
deep,
deep,
deep
down
inside.
I
had
this
little
hope
if
I
did
this
geographic,
maybe
I
could
change.
So
I
made
that
move
to
Colorado
and
I
lived
there
for
three
months.
And
that
three
month
period,
this
man
and
his
family
could
not
wait
to
kick
now
the
state
of
Colorado.
And
that
three
month
period,
I
ended
up
having
affairs
with
the
bus
drivers
on
the
way
over
there,
getting
pregnant,
having
abortion,
flying
down
the
stairs
and
breaking
my
leg,
ripping
off
his
medicine
cabinet,
ripping
off
his
booth
cabinet,
ripping
off
his
money.
So
they
literally
kicked.
Now
state
of
Colorado,
I'm
going
to
tell
you
how
I
broke
that
leg.
Obviously,
I
was
drunk
and
my
neighborhood,
the
liquor
stores
closed
at
12.
And
so
I
had
to
make
my
final
liquor
run
before
the
stores
closed.
And
I
lived
in
a
second
floor
apartment.
It's
snowing
outside,
the
stairs
are
very
icy.
And
I'm
walking
down
the
stairs,
hanging
onto
the
railing
with
my
right
hand.
My
daughter's
on
the
left
side
of
me
trying
to
hold
me
up.
And
all
of
a
sudden
I
looked
up
at
another
second
floor
apartment
because
the
door
had
just
opened.
And
out
of
that
door
walked
a
priest.
Now,
I
don't
know
what
he
was
doing
there,
but
he
had
the
collar,
the
rope,
everything.
He's
definitely
a
man
of
God.
Now
I
am
very
angry
at
God.
I'm
angry
at
God
because
I
just
seduced
his
minister
and
ripped
off
his
church.
So
now
I'm
mad
at
God.
So
I
just
looked
at
that
and
I
let
go
of
the
railing
with
my
right
hand
and
I
flipped
up
my
middle
finger
and
I
said
F
you
God
and
I
immediately
fell
down
the
stairs
and
broke
my
leg.
Now
my
daughter
tells
me
that's
the
day
she
started
bleeding
in
a
punishing
God
and
today
we
both
know
it's
because
I
was
drunk.
Anyway,
my
real
dad
was
second
on
my
list
of
immense
snake
when
I
started
making
my
amends
and
I
wrote
this
man
a
letter
and
I
told
him
that
I
was
sober
in
the
program
of
Valkyrie
synonymous.
I
wanted
to
make
restitution
for
my
behavior
up
there.
And
I
sent
him
a
check
trying
to
set
up
a
payment
schedule
to
pay
him
back.
And
basically
what
he
and
the
family
did
is
they
sent
me
the
check
back
with
a
little
note
that
said
they
didn't
want
my
money
and
they
never
wanted
to
hear
from
me
again.
However,
I
stayed
sober.
But
I
really
did
want
to
make
these
amends.
On
every
Father's
Day
and
on
every
birthday,
I
would
send
him
a
card
and
I
would
tell
him
that
I
was
still
sober
in
the
program
of
Valkyrie
synonymous
and
I
still
wanted
to
make
restitution.
And
he
would
never,
ever
acknowledge
me.
And
I
did
this
for
years
and
years
and
years.
And
in
1985
or
1986,
I
finally
got
a
reply
back.
And
I
can't
tell
you
how
excited
I
was
when
I
saw
the
return
address
on
that
envelope.
I
just
ripped
open
the
envelope.
And
the
only
thing
that
it
was
a
picture
of
his
tombstone
and
the
obituary
of
the
newspaper.
He
had
just
died.
And
that
was
a
family's
way
of
telling
me
not
to
bother
trying
anymore.
And
there
are
no
words
to
express
the
pain
I
felt.
You
would
have
thought
I
knew
my
whole
life
and
I
didn't.
But
I
took
it
real,
real
hard.
And
the
people
now
like
synonymous
pointed
out
to
me,
I
don't
make
amends
for
approval.
The
big
book
tells
me
I
don't
make
amends
to
be
forgiven.
I
make
amends
to
clean
up
my
side
of
the
street.
I
make
amends
to
stay
sober.
So
all
I
can
tell
you
is
that
the
actions
I
took
worked
because
not
once,
not
even
once,
was
I
ever
tempted
to
drink
over
that
rejection.
I'm
just
so
sorry
he
didn't
get
to
know
the
person
I
am
today
because
I
know
he
would
have
been
proud.
So
anyway,
I've
been
kicked
out
of
this
church
and
now
I'm
kicked
out
of
the
state,
living
back
in
Long
Beach,
CA
across
the
street
from
Franklin
Junior
High.
Franklin
Junior
High
is
a
gang
related
school.
My
daughter
is
now
14
years
old
and
she's
running
with
a
very
dangerous
gang.
I'm
doing
awful,
humiliating,
embarrassing
things
to
my
daughter.
I'm
not
only
embarrassing
my
daughter,
I'm
embarrassing
this
entire
gang
I
was
living.
This
is
really
true
too.
I
was
living
in
another
apt.
I
was
being
evicted
from
life.
Gas
and
telephone
had
all
been
turned
off
for
a
long
time.
I'm
hiding
out
from
the
landlord
so
I
always
kept
my
grapes
closed
and
my
apartments
dark.
My
apartment
is
so
dark
that
now
I'm
seeing
evil
spirits
and
unless
you've
seen
them,
they're
hard
to
describe.
But
the
scary
thing
is,
other
people
describe
the
same
evil
spirits
and
some
scary
things.
But
anyway,
these
evil
spirits
would
do
things
to
me,
like
chase
me
around
the
house
and
then
I
would
do
things
like
crawl
out
of
the
house
on
my
hands
and
knees,
butt
naked
across
the
street
to
the
school
and
warned
my
daughter
and
her
gang
friends
not
to
come
home.
The
house
is
possessed
with
evil
spirits.
And
this
is
the
kind
of
stuff
I
did
that
makes
me
wish
to
God
I
was
a
blackout
drinker
and
I'm
not.
I
get
to
remember
all
of
it.
Anyway,
all
my
neighbors
felt
sorry
for
my
daughter.
They
would
hide
her
out.
Sometimes
they
would
feed
her,
sometimes
they
would
feed
me.
Once
we
were
both
mixed
with
the
neighbor's
house.
She
was
feeding
both
of
us.
Our
counter
had
a
bottle
of
100
proof
vodka.
Something
happened
outside,
a
car
accident
or
something.
My
neighbor
and
my
daughter
went
to
check
it
out.
Well,
I
just
wanted
to
drink
some
of
that
vodka
down
real
fast
and
not
get
caught.
So
I
just
grabbed
the
ball.
Like
they're
drinking
right
out
of
the
ball.
And
I
don't
know
how
much
I
drank
or
how
fast
I
drank
it,
but
I
do
know
it
was
enough
to
stop
my
respiratory
system
at
that
point
stopped
breathing
and
I
can
remember
the
sensation.
I
couldn't
breathe.
That's
the
last
thing
I
remember.
Don't
remember
the
paramedics,
don't
remember
being
rushed
to
the
hospital,
don't
remember
being
resuscitated.
By
the
time
I
had
any
memory,
I
woke
up
strapped
down
to
a
hospital
bed
with
a
nurse
slapping
me
in
the
face
because
I
was
screaming
out
some
of
these
at
her.
I
was
a
mean
and
vile
drunk.
The
experience
did
get
my
attention
this
time.
I
had
almost
died
under
the
influence
of
alcohol
and
it
scared
me.
I
did
not
want
to
die
out
there.
So
I
finally
started
listening
to
my
daughter
because
my
daughter
used
to
tell
me
on
a
daily
basis
she
would
say,
mom,
it's
the
alcohol,
if
you
wouldn't
drink,
you
wouldn't
do
those
things.
She
said
just
smoke
pot.
So
this
is
my
only
experience
smoking
pot,
but
I'm
trying
really
hard
not
to
drink
that
day.
Don't
have
any
friends
of
my
own.
So
I
smoke
this
pot
with
my
daughter
and
her
friends
and
afterwards
we're
walking
down
the
street.
I
have
on
these
tight,
tight
jeans
and
I
have
both
my
hands
in
my
pockets
and
I
don't
know
if
I
took
over
a
cracker
my
own
foot
by
trip
and
I
just
started
to
go
down.
Now
I
don't
know
if
any
of
you
have
ever
been
on
pot,
but
for
me
it
was
different.
First
of
all,
I
had
the
feeling
that
I
was
in
slow
motion.
I
had
the
sensation
that
the
cement
was
coming
up
at
my
face.
And
no
matter
what
I
did,
and
I
tried
really,
really
hard,
I
could
not
get
my
hands
out
of
my
pocket.
So
you
have
to
picture
a
grown
woman
laying
with
her
face,
massive
cement.
Both
of
her
hands
are
still
in
her
pocket.
Everybody
standing
around
me
was
laughing
hysterically,
just
hysterically.
And
I'm
in
a
lot
of
pain.
I
really
didn't
hurt
myself.
I'm
landing
a
lot
of
pain.
And
I
could
hear
everybody
laughing.
And
as
I
heard
that
laughter,
I
had
that
moment
of
clarity
right
then
and
there.
I
knew
beyond
a
shadow
of
a
doubt
that
pot
was
not
the
answer.
And
I
went
right
back
to
my
drinking
and
I
drank
at
the
same
pace
for
a
while
longer.
And
I
don't
even
know
what
finally
happened,
but
I
finally
reached
a
point.
You
hear
about
this
program
where
I
was
just
sick
and
tired
of
being
sick
and
tired.
And
I
woke
up
one
morning
on
my
front
room
floor
and
I
was
laying
in
a
puddle
of
fluid
and
I
didn't
know
what
the
fluid
was,
but
I
took
the
first
three
steps
and
I
didn't
even
know
what
the
first
three
steps
were.
But
I
knew
that
I
was
powerless
over
alcohol
and
that
my
life
had
never,
ever
been
manageable.
And
I
already
believed
that
a
power
grazed
myself
to
restore
me
to
sanity.
I
just
didn't
know
if
he
would
because
of
what
I've
done
to
the
church.
And
this
is
my
way
of
turning
my
will
in
my
life
over
to
the
care
of
God
as
I
just
got
on
my
knees
and
I
said,
God,
please,
I
don't
care
how
you
do
it,
but
please
just
get
me
sober.
And
I
managed
to
get
to
a
telephone.
I
called
the
prayer
line
that
was
affiliated
with
the
church
I
was
in.
And
I
asked
them
to
pray
for
me
because
in
my
mind,
I
thought
if
God
wouldn't
listen
to
my
prayers
because
of
what
I've
done
to
the
church,
maybe
he
would
listen
to
their
prayers.
And
they
pray
for
me
for
30
days.
And
within
30
days
I
was
sober.
And
how
that
happened
in
that
30
day
period,
I
kept
every
day,
I
would
try
hard
not
to
drink.
And
I
just
couldn't
not
drink.
I
just
couldn't
not
drink.
I
was
so
physically
sick
and
I
was
so
afraid
that
every
night
I'd
break,
break
down
drunk.
And
on
one
of
these
days,
I
knew
it
was
going
to
happen
again.
And
I
just
couldn't
stand
the
fear
and
the
pain.
And
so
I
went
over
to
my
mom's
house.
Why
my
mom?
I
don't
know.
My
mom's
practicing
alcoholic.
But
one
thing
I
haven't
told
you
about
yet
is
that
my
mom
tried
to
get
sober
in
the
program
about
likes
Anonymous
and
it
did
not
work
for
her.
And
the
truth
is
my
mom
did
not
work
the
program
of
alkyl
likes
non
mush.
She
would
do
that
a
A2
step,
the
first
step,
the
12th
step,
no
steps
in
between.
And
if
you
talk
to
my
mom
about
getting
a
sponsor,
she
would
challenge
you
and
she
would
say
we're
in
the
big
book.
Does
it
tell
you
to
get
a
sponsor?
So
consequently,
my
mom
never
did
get
that
much
sobriety,
but
a
series
of
coincidences
started
to
happen
and
I
call
them
God
coincidences.
There
was
this
man
who
Signal
Hill,
he
just
happened
to
be
driving
by
my
mom's
apartment.
He
just
happened
to
remember
her
from
years
ago
when
she
was
in
a
A.
He
just
happened
to
stop
and
try
and
talk
my
mom
and
to
go
into
a
meeting
and
she
wouldn't
go.
She
didn't
want
any
part
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous
so
he
started
working
on
me
and
I
didn't
want
to
go.
I
didn't
want
any
part
of
the
doc
likes
Anonymous.
I
hated
Alcoholics
Anonymous.
I
knew
this
program
did
not
work.
My
mom
proved
it.
Watched
her
go
in
and
out
for
years.
I
never
went
to
a
meeting
with
her,
but
I
watched
her
go
in
and
out
for
years.
But
the
real
reason
why
I
didn't
want
to
come
here
is
because
my
mom
ran
around
a
lot
of
they
Amen.
I
never
once
saw
my
mom
with
an
AA
woman,
only
a
a
man.
And
today
I
know
it's
called
13
stepping.
They
did
a
lot
of
13
stepping
and
I
was
very
young
and
they
used
to
do
this
13
step
right
in
front
of
me.
But
the
real
reason
why
I
didn't
want
to
come
here,
two
of
those
men
made
passes
at
me.
And
that's
what
I
thought
about
the
men
and
Alcoholics
Anonymous.
And
I
think
our
actions
out
there
are
really
important
because
we
might
be
the
only
copy
of
a
big
book
someone
comes
in
contact
with.
But
anyway,
this
man
treated
me
with
dignity
and
he
treated
me
with
respect
and
he
talked
me
to
go
into
that
meeting.
And
I
was
so
physically
sick
from
withdrawals.
There's
no
way
I
would
have
made
that
meeting
without
a
drink.
And
I
ended
up
having
2
beers
before
the
meeting.
Last
drink
I
ever
had
that
was
on
November
10th,
1979.
And
I
don't
my
birthday
till
three
months
later
because
when
I
got
here,
we
had
this
brick
line.
I
hang
out
with
the
old
timers.
The
old
timers
and
alcoxomers
are
the
ones
that
got
me
sober.
They're
the
ones
that
latched
on
to
me.
But
we
had
this
one
old
timer.
And
if
you
mention
the
word
drugs,
he
would
jump
up,
cuss
you
out,
tell
you
to
go
to
NA
and
then
he
would
split.
So
I
learned
early
on
in
my
sobriety
to
keep
my
mouth
shut
about
those
diet
pills.
But
what
that
did
is
that
allowed
me
to
take
diet
pills
for
three
more
months.
But
when
I
started
working
my,
when
I
quit
drinking,
I
started
working
my
step.
And
at
least
for
me,
working
my
steps,
God
revealed
to
me
right
away
I
was
not
sober
if
I
was
abusing
these
pills.
So
I
gave
those
up
three
months
later
and
I
celebrate
my
birthday
on
January
23rd.
Anyway,
so
I
went
into
that
first
meeting
and
I
have
two
beers
in
my
system
now.
So
now
I
got
a
little
bit
of
personality
change
going
on.
OK,
I
admit
I
am
an
alcoholic,
but
I'm
not
an
alcoholic
like
you
guys
because
you
guys
are
Alcoholics
like
my
mom.
It's
the
disease
of
perception.
But
I
believed
it.
And
the
first
person
shared
that
he'd
been
a
blackout
drinker.
I
looked
at
my
14
year
old
daughter.
I
said
I
have
never
had
a
blackout.
And
then
the
next
person
said
that
he'd
been
to
jail.
You
know,
I
looked
at
my
daughter
and
I
said,
and
I
have
never
been
to
jail.
The
truth
is
I
was
a
home
drinker
as
always,
too
drank
to
get
out
of
my
house
to
go
get
arrested.
When
I
crawled
out
on
my
hands
and
knees,
the
gang
member
took
me
back
and
put
me
to
bed.
So
but
the
third
person
that
shared
shared
that
he
had
550
twos.
Now
back
then
a
502
is
a
drunk
driving
and
sometimes
I'm
embarrassed
to
show
this,
but
you
just
had
the
picture
me,
I
was
so
defiant.
I
was
very
unapproachable.
I
just
had
my
arms
crossed
like
this
and
I
looked
at
my
daughter
and
word
for
word
I
said
that
does
it.
I
have
never
ever
had
a
502.
And
this
time
my
daughter
looked
at
me,
all
the
hate,
all
the
contempt
of
little
Alan
Arm
could
have
in
her
eyes.
And
word
for
word
she
said,
Mom,
you
don't
even
have
a
car.
But
when
she
said
that
something
clicked
for
me.
At
that
point,
I
knew
I
was
sitting
there
looking
for
the
differences.
So
if
any
of
you
are
new
or
nearly
new,
I
hope
that
you're
not
trying
to
judge
your
alcoholism
by
my
actions
or
any
other
speakers
actions.
And
I
know
I
have
a
story
that's
hard
to
identify
with,
but
maybe
you
can
identify
with
the
feelings.
Maybe
you've
had
those
feelings
of
low
self
worth,
low
self
esteem,
not
equal
to
and
just
not
goodness.
We've
had
those
feelings
of
overwhelming
fear.
And
this
is
the
kind
of
fear
that
paralyzes
you
and
it
keeps
you
from
going
back
to
school.
It
keeps
you
from
getting
a
better
job.
It
did
that
for
me,
but
it
also
kept
me.
I
couldn't
get
on
elevators,
couldn't
drive
over
bridges,
couldn't
get
on
airplanes,
couldn't
drive
on
freeways.
I
literally
could
not
leave
the
city
of
Long
Beach.
And
it
made
my
Rd.
real,
real
small.
I
used
to
have
severe
panic
attacks
behind
my
fear
in
sobriety.
Or
maybe
you're
like
that
alcoholic
in
the
big
but
grandiose
and
better
than
to
me,
it's
all
the
same
alcoholic.
It's
just
that
my
ego
is
in
reverse.
But
the
next
person
that
shared
was
my
point
of
identification.
And
I
believe
that
she
hadn't
been
in
that
meeting
that
night.
I
wouldn't
be
standing
here
tonight
because
of
my
attitude.
But
she
said
that
she
did
not
drink
later
on
in
life,
but
she
said
she
practiced
her
disease
of
alcoholism
way
before
she
ever
took
that
first
drink.
And
she
did
it
in
the
form
of
compulsive
overeating
and
amphetamine
abuse.
That's
when
that
jumped.
That
old
timer
jumped
up
and
cussed
her
out.
But
the
one
thing
she
said,
and
this
is
the
real
reason
why
I
stayed,
she
said
her
whole
life,
growing
up,
some
kids
wanted
to
be
doctors,
some
kids
wanted
to
be
lawyers.
And
all
she
ever
wanted
to
do
when
she
grew
up
was
just
not
to
be
an
alcoholic
like
her
mom.
That
I
started
to
cry
and
I
could
not
stop.
And
I
cried
throughout
the
rest
of
the
meeting.
And
that
is
absolutely
the
first
time
in
my
life
that
I
ever
felt
like
I
belonged.
And
I
went
over
and
I
latched
on
her
and
she
became
my
very
first
sponsor.
And
she
only
had
18
months
of
sobriety.
But
that
was
such
a
long
time
to
me.
If
you
told
me
you
had
30
years,
I
wouldn't
have
believed
real
alcoholic
at
that
point.
I
just
wanted
to
know
how
you
can
get
together
24
hours
because
I
could
not
get
together
24
hours.
And
I
wish
I
could
say
that
sponsorship
lasted.
It
didn't.
She
fired
me.
She
didn't
even
tell
me
she
was
fired
me.
She
just
quit
talking
to
me
and
so
I
ended
up
sponsoring
her
hairdressers
and
I
just
found
out
a
couple
years
ago
why
she
dropped
me.
They
just
happened
to
get
in
to
talk
about
Alcoxonymous.
My
name
came
up
and
she
told
this
hairdresser
that
she
dropped
me
because
I
was
too
hardcore.
I'm
a
very
sensitive
alcoholic.
She
hurt
my
feelings.
You
know,
I'm
driving
home
and
I'm
thinking
hardcore,
hard.
What
does
that
mean?
Hardcore?
And
this,
these
little
hurt
feelings
start
to
turn
into
this
huge
resentment.
And
I
started,
I
had
to
do
some
writing
on
it
and
did
this
writing.
I,
I
came
to
realize
first
of
all,
when
I
got
to
this
program,
I
was
huge.
I
was
very
obese.
I
had
this
wild,
wild
bleach
blonde
hair.
I
don't
know
if
any
of
you
have
been
drank
and
tried
to
bleach
your
hair,
but
to
do
this
thing
and
it's
called
overlapping
and
it
causes
your
hair
to
break
off
and
and
then
I
would
be
too
drunk
to
even
watch
the
bleach
off
it.
Also,
I
had
a
few
little
bald
spots
and
the
last
couple
months
before
I
got
your
program,
I
had
I
didn't
bleach
my
hair.
And
so
I
had
big
black
roots,
some
bald
spot,
broken
off
blonde
hair
that
went
all
over
Today
that
would
be
in
style.
But
back
then,
but
back
then
it
wasn't.
And
every
time
this
woman
came
to
pick
me
up
for
meeting
my
house
with
the
gang
members,
the
gang
hung
around
my
house.
And
she
did
not
come
to
my
kind
of
a
background.
She
did
not
know
what
to
do
with
somebody
of
my
stature.
And
she
knew
she
was
in
over
her
head.
And
the
whole
point
of
this
story
is
this
woman
knew
that
she
had
to
take
care
of
herself
and
she
dropped
me
and
we
both
states
over.
Anyway,
I'm
supposed
to
share
with
you
what
it
was
like?
What
happened
to
change
me
and
what
I
like
today
and
what
happened
to
change
me
were
the
12
steps
of
Alcoixonymous.
So
I
always
talked
about
the
steps,
and
I'm
going
to
tell
you
how
I
went
through
them.
I'm
not
telling
you
how
you
should
go
through
them
because
I
know
there's
lots
of
ways
of
working
these
steps.
And
I
believe
when
you're
really
ready,
God's
going
to
put
the
right
person
in
your
life
to
guide
you
through
these
steps.
But
I
had
this
woman
in
my
life
that
made
me
do
those
first
three
steps
in
a
formal
manner
out
of
the
Big
Book.
You
know,
I
tried
to
tell,
I
did
those
grocery
steps
on
my
front
room
florist's.
I
heard
them.
I
knew
I
did
them
on
my
front
room
floor.
But
she
made
me
do
them
out
of
Big
Book.
And
thank
God
I
had
people
that
were
willing
to
help
me
read.
And
we
did
those
first
three
steps
by
reading
the
preface,
the
three
forwards,
doctor's
opinion,
Bill's
story,
there
is
a
solution
more
about
alcoholism
captured
through
the
agnostic
and
how
it
works.
And
we
got
on
our
knees
and
we
said
that
third
step
prayer.
And
the
most
powerful
thing
to
me
about
that
prayer
was
the
part
that
said
take
away
my
difficulties.
It
did
not
say
difficulties
with
alcohol.
It
said
difficulty.
So
to
me
that
meant
God
could
take
away
all
my
difficulties.
She
had
me
studying
the
big
book,
page
64
to
the
end
of
the
chapter
where
it
gave
me
very
specific
directions
on
doing
my
inventory.
If
you
just
look
at
that
diagram,
it's
confusing.
You
have
to
read
all
those
pages
and
on
that
very
page
it
says
though
your
decision,
meaning
Step
3
is
a
vital
and
crucial
step,
it
could
have
little
permanent
effect
and
less
at
once
followed
by
a
strenuous
effort
to
face
and
be
rid
of
the
things
in
ourselves
that
have
been
blocking
us,
goes
on
to
say
Lucas.
But
a
symptom
we
had
to
get
down
to
causes
and
conditions
and
my
sponsor
told
me
that
at
once
met
if
you
don't
immediately
start
on
Step
4,
you
have
wasted
your
time
with
the
first
three
steps.
And
I
know
today
that
one
of
those
keywords
on
that
page
is
a
word
decision.
Step
three
is
only
a
decision.
It
is
not
an
action.
And
how
you
follow
up
on
the
decision.
The
way
you
actually
turn
your
will
in
your
life
over
to
the
care
of
God
is
you
take
the
actions
of
four
through
9
and
how
you
continue
on
a
daily
basis
turning
your
will
in
your
life
over
the
care
of
God.
If
you
live
in
1011
and
12.
Now
in
those
pages,
I
found
out
I
had
to
do
3
inventories.
I
had
to
do
an
inventory
on
resentment,
had
to
do
an
inventory
on
fear,
and
I
had
to
do
an
inventory
on
6.
And
as
you
do
those
first
three
columns,
if
they
send
a
resentment,
it
tells
you
that
you
have
to
go
back
and
look
at
it
from
an
entirely
different
angle.
Now
you
have
to
look
at
your
part
and
the
books
very
specific
about
your
part
because
your
part
selfish
design,
self
taking
frightened.
When
you
get
to
the
sex
inventory,
it
throws
in
the
word
inconsiderate.
So
she
had
me
include
that,
make
that
into
a
fourth
column,
and
include
it
on
my
inventory.
And
she
said
because
this
was
my
inventory,
I
had
to
list
everything
I
felt
guilty
about
and
she
had
me
do
it
under
resentment.
I
had
to
say
I'm
resentful
at
myself
because
I'm
a
thief.
How
does
it
affect
me
and
what
was
my
part
in
it?
And
then
I
went
on
to
Step
5,
sharing
my
inventory
with
God
and
another
human
being.
You
know,
I've
done
things
worse
since
the
district
minister
and
rip
off
the
church.
But
to
me
that
felt
the
work
because
that
was
standing
down
the
back.
I
didn't
think
I
could
ever
tell
another
person
about
that.
But
I
found
for
me,
step
five
was
not
about
embarrassment
and
it
wasn't
about
shame.
Step
five
was
all
about
humility.
And
in
the
12
and
12,
it
gives
most
perfect
definition
of
humility
that
I've
ever
heard.
It
says
humility
is
a
clear
recognition
of
who
and
what
we
are,
followed
by
sincere
attempts
to
be
all
that
we
can
be.
When
I
did
step
five,
I
did
567
and
eight
all
at
one
time.
My
sponsor
did
not
trust
me
to
go
home
and
contemplate
on
my
own
character
defect.
She
thought
it
was
her
job
to
point
him
out.
And
it's
a
good
thing
she
did
because
I
would
have
missed
this
one.
She
told
me
at
the
very
top
of
my
list,
I
had
self
pity.
Well,
I
told
him
the
most
pathetic
ways
that
I
thought
myself
pity
was
justified.
Look
at
my
childhood.
And
she
told
me
the
most
loving
way.
She
said
Michael,
Alcoholics
cannot
afford
justified
self
pity.
And
then
she
gave
me
that
old
cliche,
poor
me,
poor
me,
poor
me.
Another
drink.
We
got
on
our
knees
and
we
said
that
7th
step
prayer.
And
I
can
honestly
tell
you
today,
self
pity
has
been
removed
and
it's
been
replaced
with
overwhelming
gratitude
on
step
H,
as
you
do
in
three
columns.
First
column
with
short
term
amends
that
I
could
do
within
six
months.
Second
column
was
long-term
amends
that
eventually
took
me
12
years
because
I
had
a
lot
of
wreckage
out
there.
In
the
third
column,
we
worked
out
Ways
and
Means
of
making
restitution
to
institutions
I
couldn't
get
hold
of
or
maybe
people
that
were
deceased.
On
Step
9,
my
sponsor
assured
me
it
did
not
matter
how
long
it
took
me
to
do
Step
9:00
as
long
as
I
was
willing
doing
whatever
I
could.
But
most
importantly,
while
doing
step
nine,
I
still
had
to
live
in
1011
and
12.
I
love
Taxi.
Taxi
says
this
program
is
about
uncovering,
discovering
and
discarding.
And
to
me,
Step
9
is
the
discard
step.
And
you
know,
I
know
there's
a
lot
of
good
psychiatrists
and
a
lot
of
good
psychologists
out
there
today,
a
lot
of
them
in
12
step
programs.
But
that
was
not
my
experience.
I
went
to
a
psychologist
and
a
psychiatrist
before
I
got
here.
We
spent
a
very
long
time
in
uncovered
discover,
never
once
got
on
with
discarding.
And
what
that
did
is
that
allowed
me
to
stand
that
victim
role
for
a
very
long
time.
Now,
I
don't
even
know
how
this
stuff
works.
All
I
know
is
in
the
big
book
it
says
you
have
to
disregard
the
other
man's
faults
entirely.
So
when
I
made
amends
to
my
dad,
I
never
once
said
but
you
were
an
older
married
man,
you
got
my
teenage
mom
pregnant
and
you
abandoned
us.
I
never
once
said
that
to
him.
I
just
made
amends
to
him
for
what
I
had
done
and
for
some
reason
my
resentment
towards
him
went
away.
And
I
don't
know
how
that
works
and
I
don't
know
how.
I
don't
have
to
know
how
it
works,
I
just
have
to
know
that
it
does.
On
step
10
my
sponsor
taught
me
to
do
a
spot
check
inventory
immediately.
If
I'm
in
the
wrong,
I
do
4
through
9
on
it.
But
she
believes
all
inventories,
as
in
a
business,
should
be
done
in
writing.
So
at
the
end
of
the
evening,
before
I
go
to
bed,
my
sponsor
has
me
cast
up
a
balance
sheet
and
on
one
side
of
this,
all
my
assets
for
the
day.
On
the
other
side
of
this,
all
my
liabilities
for
the
day.
Liabilities
or
any
character
defects
I
got
into,
anything
I
might
have
to
run
past
my
sponsor,
just
all
the
negative.
And
on
the
asset
side,
I
list
everything
I
did
right
that
day.
I
always
have
more
assets
than
I
do
liabilities.
I
get
to
look
at
myself
in
a
whole
new
light.
My
sponsor
says
because
I
come
from
low
self
esteem,
it's
important
that
I'm
aware
of
the
things
that
I'm
doing
right.
Step
11.
I
do
my
form
of
prayer
meditation
in
the
morning
on
my
knees
and
I
get
on
my
knees
not
because
I
think
God
only
listens
to
it
on
your
knees.
I
believe
He
listens
to
whatever
position
you're
in.
I
get
on
my
knees
to
put
myself
in
a
position
of
humility
so
that
I'm
feeling
humble
and
I
say
the
third
step
prayer,
the
7th
step
prayer.
I
always
pray
for
God
to
direct
my
thinking.
I
pray
to
be
divorced
from
self
pity
to
not
a
self
seeking
motives.
I
pray
to
know
God's
will
and
the
power
to
carry
that
out.
And
then
I
do
a
form
of
meditation
where
I
try
to
listen
to
God,
and
not
once
in
that
meditation
has
God
ever
come
down
and
told
me
anything.
But
as
a
result
of
that
meditation,
I
intuitively
know
how
to
handle
situations
throughout
the
day
that
used
to
baffle
me
and
I
have
had
profound
spiritual
experiences
and
unexpected
times.
My
sponsor
really
did
stress
the
12
steps
and
she
broke
into
three
parts
for
me.
That
first
part,
having
had
a
spiritual
awakening
as
a
result
of
during
those
first
eleven
steps,
she
said,
did
not
necessarily
mean
a
belief
in
God.
She
said
a
lot
of
us
believe
in
God
when
we
get
here.
Some
people
come
in
here
and
they
have
to
make
the
12
steps
their
higher
power.
They
have
to
make
the
group
their
higher
power,
She
said.
Having
that
spiritual
awakening
is
where
you've
actually
had
that
huge
emotional
displacement
and
rearrangement.
You've
had
that
change
in
psyche,
you've
had
that
change
in
attitude.
Something
about
you
is
just
different.
You've
had
a
transformation
and
it
comes
from
deep
within.
And
when
it
comes
to
carrying
the
message,
if
I
have
15
days
of
spread,
I
give
my
phone
number
to
someone
who
has
seven.
And
she
said
length
of
time
was
not
the
requirement
for
sponsorship
in
this
program.
She
said
the
requirement
for
sponsorship
in
this
program
is
that
you
have
done
your
step
because
the
real
dog
of
a
sponsor
is
to
guide
you
through
the
steps
of
the
program.
I
had
two
men
in
my
life
that
were
really
instrumental
in
my
sobriety.
And
I'm
not
breaking
their
anonymity.
This
is
how
they
like
to
be
identified
anyway,
as
a
Bill
and
a
Frank
Kenny
cut.
And
Frank
used
to
always
ask
me
how
I
was
doing.
And
I
guess
I
was,
I
guess
I
was
up
to
Step
8,
wasn't
really
into
step
9.
And
I
would,
I
felt
so
squirrely.
I
think
squirrely.
I
just
feel
squirrely.
And
you
know,
I
know
a
lot
of
people
get
a
big
sense
of
relief
from
4:00
and
5:00,
but
that
just
didn't
happen
to
me.
I
didn't
get
any
relief
toys
on
Step
9.
But
anyway,
first
of
all,
my
sponsor
told
me
I
had
to
stop
using
the
word
squirrely.
And
then
I
would
tell
Frank
things
like,
well,
I
guess
I
got
to
work
on
myself
some
more.
I
got
to
do
some
more
writing.
And
he
said,
for
God's
sakes,
Michael,
don't
study
yourself.
He
said
what
you
have
to
do
is
get
out
of
yourself
and
work
with
another
alcoholic.
And
you
know,
now
I
get
to
experience
things
today
that
Frankie's
experience
with
me
because
I
sponsor
a
lot
of
women
in
this
program
and
I
got
some
women
that
I
call
whiners.
And
no,
none
of
you
in
the
front
row
are
the
liners.
I
got
some
of
these
women
that
I
call
liners
and
I
can
say
that
because
I
used
to
be
a
whiner.
So
I
know
what
a
whiner
is
and
they'll
just
call
me.
I
mean
this
wench
is
7
years
of
variety
should
call
me
all
the
time
when
you
got
everyday
stuff
that
all
this
go
through
all
due
to
her
what
Frank
used
to
do
to
me,
I'll
always
try
and
bring
them
back
to
the
steps
and
I'll
always
say
are
you
working
with
any
other
Alcoholics
and
this
is
the
normal
reply.
Nobody
ever
asked
me.
This
is
what
Frank
used
to
think
me.
Well,
first
of
all,
the
only
wine
no
one
even
knows
you've
done
your
steps
but
Frank
used
to
say
nobody
ever
asked
you.
You
just
go
to
a
meeting
and
you
watch
for
the
newcomers
that
stand
up
with
less
than
30
days.
The
newer
the
better
you
go
up
to
when
you
say
do
you
have
a
sponsor?
If
they
say
no,
you
say
I'm
it
they're
brand
new.
They
don't
know
they
have
a
choice.
So
I'm
here
tonight
to
tell
you
that
that
does
work.
And
another
thing
I
do
is
when
I
go
to
a
newcomer
and
I
give
them
my
phone
number,
I
always
get
their
phone
number
because
it's
hard
for
newcomers
to
call.
And
I'm
telling
you,
if
I'm
in
a
bad
place,
I
call
the
newcomer.
I
don't
know
if
it
helps
the
newcomer,
but
I
know
it
helps
me.
And
I
know
a
lot
of
people
today
in
sponsorship,
they
don't
believe
in
calling
the
newcomer.
They
just
believe
the
newcomer
should
call.
But
all
I
consider,
thank
God
Bill
and
Bob
didn't
feel
that
way
or
we
might
not
have
Alcoholics
Anonymous
applying
these
principles
and
all
my
affair,
that
means
I
have
to
practice
living
service
at
work.
I
have
to
practice
love
and
service
at
home.
I
can't
come
into
this
program,
walk
that
walk
and
talk
that
talk
and
then
go
out
in
the
world
and
act
like
a
jerk.
And
my
sponsor
knew
a
lot
about
Bill
W
and
she
told
me
right
from
the
start
that
Bill
did
not
like
to
the
same
word
twice,
that
character
defects
and
shortcomings
are
the
same
thing.
They're
both
exact
nature
of
your
wrongs
and
step
five
that
we
get
from
step
four,
and
that
principles
and
steps
are
the
same
thing.
So
if
I'm
applying
these
principles
and
all
my
affairs,
I'm
applying
these
steps
in
all
my
affairs.
And
she
said
if
I
willing
to
grow
along
spiritual
lions,
eventually
someday
God
would
reveal
to
me
when
it's
time
to
give
up
other
destructive
behavior.
The
big
book
says
we
have
to
get
rid
of
all
those
old
ideas.
She
told
me
it
was
not
OK
for
me
to
just
not
drink
that
to
go
ahead
and
steal
and
it's
not
okay
for
me
to
just
not
drink,
but
to
prostitute.
It's
not
okay
for
me
to
just
not
drink,
but
to
abuse
my
daughter.
And
it's
not
OK
for
me
to
just
not
drink
but
to
binge
my
brains
out
and
take
diet
pills.
She
said
if
I
was
working
the
last
part
of
the
12th
step
in
Alkyl
is
anonymous.
Those
things
were
not
OK.
But
thank
God
she
told
me
I
didn't
have
to
do
it
all
at
one
time
or
I
surely
would
have
failed.
But
all
those
things
I
just
mentioned
when
listed
on
my
step
six,
my
character
defects,
I
don't
practice
any
of
them
today
and
I
haven't
for
a
very
long
time
now.
I
have
new
character
defects.
Like
I'm
judgmental
and
opinionated,
but
I'm
working
on
it.
I'm
working
on
it
anyway.
So
I
have
six
months
of
I
am
on
my
night
step
and
this
woman
told
me
had
to
get
a
job
and
before
I
start
the
point
in
my
own
contributions
and
I
don't
know
how
to
work.
You
know,
I
went
out
there
and
I
got
my
first
job
and
that
was
so
scary
for
me.
But
that's
where
I
learned
how
to
work.
I
learned
things
like
how
to
get
there
every
day,
how
to
get
there
on
time,
how
to
not
leave
early,
how
to
only
take
a
3
minute
lunch
break.
I
did
not
know
how
to
do
those
things.
And
I
learned
him
here
now
collect
Anonymous.
I
worked
that
first
job
full
time
for
eight
years.
I
stayed
on
another
two
years
part
time
after
I
took
another
full
time
position.
So
I
was
there
for
a
total
of
10
years.
And
when
I
left
that
job,
I'd
work
myself
up
to
assistant
administrator.
And
in
that
first
eight-year
period,
I
went
back
to
high
school.
I
graduated
from
high
school
in
1985,
and
I
was
36
years
old.
And
I
graduated
with
the
calf,
a
gown,
a
real
ceremony,
and
400
and
5018
year
olds.
Thank
you.
Thank
you.
Those
kids
were
so
bad
they
were
kicked
out
of
day
school.
They
had
to
go
to
night
school.
So
I
just
fit
right
in
with
them.
I
want
to
say
I
got
into
my
character
defects
right
after
I
got
that
first
job.
First
of
all,
I
worked
my
program
according
to
the
Big
Book
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous.
When
I'm
in
the
Big
Book,
I
feel
something
spiritual.
I
feel
that
power
that
worked
through
building
those
first
Alcoholics,
and
I
do
not
get
that
feeling
when
I
read
the
12:00
and
12:00,
but
I
like
the
12:00
and
12:00.
There's
some
really
good
stuff
in
there.
Now,
in
the
big
book,
there's
only
two
paragraphs
on
step
6:00
and
7:00.
So
I
feel
like
Bill
must
have
known
I
was
coming
to
Alcoholics
Anonymous.
They
had
to
be
a
little
more
specific
on
character
defects.
So
he
wrote
step
six
in
the
12
and
12
just
for
me,
and
he
nailed
me
on
my
character
defects.
He
said
greed
to
the
point
of
being
a
thief
that
got
me
to
the
point
of
being
ruined
to
your
health,
said
God
will
not
render
you
white
as
snow
without
your
cooperation.
And
then
he
says
that
the
man
repeatedly
worked
on
his
other
defects
of
character,
grows
an
image
of
his
creator.
And
then
he
addresses
the
fact
that
some
of
these
other
defects
are
harder
to
remove
than
alcoholism.
He
says
alcoholism
is
not
a
natural
instinct,
so
when
you're
really
ready,
God
can
just
remove
it.
Some
of
these
other
defects
are
natural
instincts
gone
amok,
and
so
they're
harder
to
remove.
And
he
said
sometimes
we
just
have
to
be
patient.
We
just
have
to
be
patient
with
some
kind
of
improvement.
But
anyway,
that
led
me
to
believe
that
I
couldn't
just
sit
around
and
wait
for
God
to
remove
these
defects
of
characters,
that
I
had
to
help
him
a
little
bit.
You
know,
like
that
defect
of
stealing.
I
had
to
stop
stealing
long
enough
for
God
to
remove
the
obsession.
And
that
was
a
hard
one
for
me
because
it
was
habit
for
me
to
steal.
And
I
catch
myself
going
to
take
the
petty
cash
at
work
and
all
of
a
sudden
I'd
come
through,
I'd
take
this
hand,
pull
this
hand
back,
and
I'd
have
to
talk
to
myself.
And
I'd
say,
Michael,
you
don't
do
those
things
anymore.
You're
trying
to
work
an
honest
program.
And
I
can
honestly
tell
you,
I
have
not
stolen
anything
since
I've
been
in
the
program
about
like
Anonymous.
I've
come
close,
but
I
haven't
gone
anything.
And
today
the
obsession
has
been
removed.
I
can't
believe
I
was
over
that
person,
but
I
was.
But
the
one
defect
I
did
get
into
is
my
defective
fear.
I
was
afraid
God
couldn't
provide
me
the
money
I
needed
to
get
to
and
from
my
brand
new
job.
So
I
prostituted
myself
for
the
last
time,
an
Alcoholic
Anonymous,
and
I
was
nine
months
sober
and
I
was
on
my,
I
was
six
months
sober
and
I
was
on
my
9th
step
and
I
got
back
from
that.
And
you
ever
know
if
you
call
that
a
job
or
a
gig,
whatever
you
call
it,
whatever
it
was,
I
got
that
from
it.
And
I,
I
just
sat
down
and
I
just
had
this
real
sick,
overwhelming
feeling.
In
fact,
I
was
in
tears.
And
all
of
a
sudden
that
sick,
overwhelming
feeling
was
removed
and
it
was
replaced
with
a
spiritual
experience.
I
had
an
inner
voice
talk
to
me
and
it
was
so
loud
and
it
was
so
clear.
And
it
said,
Michael,
this
definitely
is
not
God's
will
for
you.
If
you
just
stick
with
the
program
about
hypnotist
and
you
apply
these
principles
in
all
your
affairs,
you
will
never
ever
have
to
do
this
again.
God
will
always
give
you
what
you
need
when
you
need
it.
And
that
has
been
the
case
for
me
since
that
day.
I've
not
once
had
my
life
gas
telephones
turned
off.
I've
not
once
been
evicted.
I've
not
once
been
unemployed.
In
fact,
today
I
drive
a
brand
new
car.
I
just
moved
into
a
four
bedroom
house
and
I
have
matching
furniture
and
and
that's
a
real
big
deal
for
a
drink.
They
used
to
sleep
on
the
floor.
Anyway,
what
I've
done
for
what
I
did
for
the
next
six
years
is
I
went
and
I
applied
for
this
position,
this
musical
theater
corporation,
and
it's
equity,
which
means
it's
union
and
it
deals
with
big,
big,
major
stars.
And
I
applied
for
this
position
at
the
bottom
of
the
accounting
department
and
I
was
not
qualified
for
it.
But
for
some
reason
they
were
willing
to
take
a
chance
on
me.
So
I
had
to
be
willing
to
take
a
chance
on
them.
It
was
scary
for
me
to
leave
my
other
job
because
that's
for
myself
esteem
was.
And
I
went
back
to
school
and
within
period
of
time
I
worked
myself
up
to
business
manager
of
this
multi
$1,000,000
corporation.
And
as
business
manager
I
dealt
with
millions
of
dollars.
And
when
I
got
to
this
program,
I
did
not
even
know
how
many
euros
were
in
$1,000,000.
And
I
participated
a
lot
in
union
negotiations,
and
I
still
get
invited
into
some
of
the
homes
of
some
of
the
most
famous
people
you
see
on
stage,
screen
and
TV.
Sometimes
I
see
myself
in
a
picture.
It's
a
very
famous
person.
And
I
just
get
overwhelmed.
And
I
would
think,
how
did
I
ever
get
from
the
gutters
of
Long
Beach
to
being
invited
into
some
of
these
places?
And
how
that
happened
is
I
worked
the
last
part
of
that
12th
step,
and
I
applied
these
principles.
And
all
my
fairs
want
to
tell
you
about
the
first
party
I
went
to
as
business
manager.
It
was
a
birthday
party
for
Debbie
Reynolds.
Nowadays,
everyone's
so
young,
they
don't
have
a
clue
that
Debbie
Reynolds
is.
So
when
I
was
young,
Debbie
Reynolds
was
my
very
favorite
movie
star.
I
just
idolized
her.
And
anyway,
I
went
to
this
party.
You're
sober.
I'm
business
manager
for
the
first
time
in
my
life.
Everything
is
perfect.
Everything
is
absolutely
perfect.
And
I
almost
drank.
The
big
book
says
you'll
be
placed
in
a
position
of
neutrality,
safe
and
protected
if
you're
in
such
spiritual
condition.
I
was
not
in
such
spiritual
condition
first
place.
I
hadn't
been
to
a
meeting
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous
in
two
weeks.
I'm
just
much
too
busy
growing
in
the
business
world.
I
wasn't
working
with
any
other
Alcoholics
because
I'm
much
too
busy
growing
in
the
business
world.
The
big
book
says
you
don't
even
go
spiritually
unless
you're
working
with
others.
So
I
started
to
get
into
the
stinking
thinking
and
I
started
thinking
thoughts.
Like
maybe
now
that
I
have
this
very
impressive
job
and
I
have
an
education
and
I
drive
a
brand
new
car
and
I'm
not
that
little
girl
from
the
other
side
of
the
tracks,
maybe
I'm
really
not
an
alcoholic.
And
thank
God
I
didn't
act
on
it
that
night
because
unhealthy
thing
I've
done
for
myself
is
I
do
not
have
anonymity
at
work.
Everybody
knew
I
was
sober
in
the
program
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous
and
I
did
not
want
to
embarrass
this
program
by
drinking
it
from
my
coworkers.
I
put
it
off
that
night.
I
was
going
to
try
drinking
the
next
day.
I
cannot
believe
how
cunning,
baffling
and
powerful
this
disease
is.
Anyway,
the
next
day
I
just
think
God
seems
to
intervene
with
people
like
me.
I
mean,
I
work
those
steps
so
hard.
I
think
he
just
intervened
because
the
next
day
I
was
asked
to
pay
a
12
step
call
and
make
a
burden.
This
man
hadn't
turned
up
at
work
for
two
weeks
and
he
was
held
up
in
a
motel.
The
motel
was
trying
to
get
him
out,
so
they
called
my
place
of
employment
and
my
executive
director
asked
me
to
go
see
what
I
could
do.
So
I
trudged
over
to
this
sleazy
motel
and
I
knocked
on
this
man's
door.
And
I
did
take
somebody
with
me.
I
knocked
on
this
man's
door
and
identified
myself,
Michael,
alcoholic.
And
for
some
reason,
he
answered
it.
If
that
had
been
me,
I
would
not
have
answered
the
door.
And
I
stood
there
speechless.
I
thought
I
had
the
wrong
room.
The
man
I
knew,
his
makeup
artist,
he
had
all
this
blonde
WAVY
hair,
is
really
a
doll.
And
the
man
standing
in
front
of
me
is
ball
headed.
He's
10
times
his
normal
size.
He's
profusely
sweating.
He's
bleeding
from
head
to
toe
because
he
kept
falling
into
objects.
He
smelled
of
urine,
alcohol.
He
smelled
of
vomit.
And
as
I
said,
they're
speechless.
I
had
another
spiritual
experience.
I
had
an
inner
voice
talk
to
me
and
it
said,
Michael,
this
is
you.
You're
not
like
the
people
you
were
with
last
night.
If
you
drink
again,
you're
standing
in
front
of
the
mirror.
And
that
man
doesn't
know
it,
but
he
is
the
one
that
paid
a
12
step
call
on
me
because
that
night
I
got
my
Fanny
into
a
meeting
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous,
my
recommitted
to
this
program.
I
go
to
more
meetings
than
I've
ever
gone
to.
I
work
with
more
alcoholic
than
I've
ever
worked
with
because
I
know
beyond
a
shadow
of
a
doubt
that
the
longer
I'm
sober,
the
more
I
need.
The
longer
I'm
sober,
the
easier
it
is
for
me
to
forget
where
I
came
from.
I
can't
believe
I
almost
forgot,
but
I
almost
forgot.
And
the
best
thing
about
speaking
for
me
is
I
get
up
here
and
I
remind
myself
where
I
came
from.
I
did
recently
had
a
job
change
and
the
theater
was
in
a
lot
of
trouble
and
they
had
$2,000,000
deficit.
The
board
of
directors
came
in
and
they
cleaned
everybody
out
except
for
me.
I
was
so
employed.
They
kept
me
and
they
were
trying
to
save
the
organization.
And
anyway,
all
these
new
people
that
came
in,
we're
doing
inappropriate
things
with
the
money.
I
felt
like
they
were
milking
a
dying
corporation
and
I
just
knew
I
couldn't
stay
there
working
a
12
step
program.
So
I
started
praying
to
my
higher
power
to
guide
me
to
where
he
wanted
me
to
be,
put
me
in
the
place
of
employment
where
he
wanted
me
to
be.
And
the
company
I
worked
for
for
those
first
ten
years
heard
the
theater
was
in
trouble.
They
called
me
up
at
the
theater
and
asked
me
to
meet
with
them.
And
so
I
met
with
them
and
what
they
did
is
they
offered
me
position
of
administrator
of
one
of
their
retirement
homes.
And
I
turned
them
down
and
I
got
back
to
work
the
next
day.
I
sat
down
at
my
desk
and
I
knew
I
had
just
closed
the
door
on
God's
will
for
me.
And
so
I
had
to
do
some
writing
on
it.
I
did
some
inventory
on
it.
And
I'm
ashamed
to
stand
up
here
tonight
with
15
years
of
sobriety
and
tell
you
why
I
turned
them
down.
But
I
found
out
I
turned
them
down
out
of
ego.
As
a
speaker,
it's
much
more
impressive
for
me
to
stand
up
here
and
tell
you
guys
that
I
work
with
movie
stars
than
to
tell
you
I
work
with
senior
citizens.
And
thank
God
that
company
came
back
and
made
a
better
offer.
And
and
thank
God
I
had
inventoried
it
or
I
might
not
have
accepted.
So
I
accepted
and
that's
what
I
do
today.
I'm
administrator
of
a
residential
care
facility
and
it's
hard,
hard
work.
All
my
people.
It's
not
a
nursing
home,
but
probably
the
step
before
a
nursing
home.
And
they're
very
frail
and
they're
very
elderly
and
I
just
love
them
to
pieces
that
it's
hard.
I
the
employee
problems
would
I
have
a
hard
time
dealing
with.
I
had
to
firefight
people
since
I've
been
there
and
I
I'm
not
good
at
that.
That's
not
my
makeup,
you
know,
so
but
anyway,
I
guess
that
God
has
me
grown
ways
that
I
do
feel
like
for
the
first
time
in
six
years
that
I'm
practicing
love
and
service
at
work.
Anyway,
one
last
time
I'm
going
to
close
and
until
I
came
to
terms
with
the
God
I
have
in
my
life
today.
I
told
you
that
my
daughter
was
15
years
old
when
she
got
to
this
program.
When
she
was
18
years
old,
she
had
three
years
of
sobriety.
She
and
her
girlfriend
were
leaving
in
a
dance.
They
were
in
the
parking
lot
of
the
dance.
And
getting
into
their
own
car,
a
man
came
up
to
him
with
a
gun
and
forced
them
into
the
car
at
gunpoint
and
kidnapped
them.
He
knocked
the
one
growing
conscious.
Brutally
raped
my
daughter
for
over
2
hours.
And
I
absolutely
hate
the
word
rape
because
it
sounds
like
it's
just
about
sex.
But
rape
is
about
terror
and
it's
about
violence.
And
the
whole
time
this
is
going
on
she
knew
he
was
going
to
kill
her
anyway.
She
was
so
angry
at
God
it
took
a
two
year
to
even
remember.
She
did
say
a
quiet
prayer
to
live,
and
this
man
was
drunk.
He
was
drinking
the
whole
time.
He
had
a
bottle
of
alcohol
in
his
pocket
that
he
drank
throughout
the
whole
ordeal.
And
at
the
point
where
he
was
forcing
my
daughter
into
the
trunk
of
the
car,
somehow
she
got
the
courage
to
at
least
make
some
kind
of
an
effort
to
try
and
save
her
own
life.
And
she
caught
him
off
guard.
She
slugged
him
in
the
face
as
hard
as
she
could.
He
tripped
and
fell
down.
The
gun
fell
out
of
his
hand.
She
ran
down
the
street
naked
and
she
got
away.
At
that
point
he
got
back
into
the
car
where
the
other
girl
out
into
the
street
and
took
off
with
the
car.
So
both
girls
lived.
But
the
road
of
recovery
was
real
hard
and
it
was
real
long,
and
I'm
not
sure
it's
even
over
with
yet,
but
my
daughter
and
I
felt
absolutely
betrayed.
How
could
God
let
this
happen
to
us?
We
were
both
sober
in
the
program
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous.
How
could
God
let
this
happen
to
us?
We
will
work
in
these
steps
as
hard
as
we
could.
And
this
is
a
spiritual
program.
But
the
hardest
thing
for
me
to
deal
with
is
a
sentence
in
the
big
book.
It
was
one
of
my
favorite
pages.
I
used
to
tell
people
to
read
it
all
the
time.
It's
page
449
and
it
talks
about
acceptance
and
I
love
the
part
on
acceptance,
but
there
there's
one
sentence
that
I
couldn't
deal
with.
That
sentence
is
absolutely
nothing
in
God's
world
happens
by
mistake,
Clancy
says.
Alcoholism
is
a
disease
of
perception.
On
Still
an
alcoholic,
I
still
get
into
my
disease
of
perception
because
I
perceive
that
to
mean
that
if
nothing
in
God's
world
happens
by
mistake,
that
had
to
be
an
act
of
God.
It
had
to
be
an
act
of
God.
And
I
wanted
to
leave
Alcoholics
Anonymous,
and
I
wanted
to
leave
God
because
I
knew
beyond
a
shadow
of
a
doubt
that
I
did
not
want
any
part
of
the
God
that
could
operate
like
that.
And
thank
God
for
Bill
Honeycutt,
Frank's
brother.
He
just
took
me
by
the
hand
and
he
said,
Michael,
God
is
good
and
good
is
God,
and
if
it's
not
good,
it's
not
of
God.
He
said
man
has
free
will.
That
man
was
acting
on
his
free
will
and
your
daughter
was
just
the
victim.
He
said
if
men
didn't
have
free
will,
we
would
not
be
sitting
in
a
meeting
about
twice
anonymous.
We'd
all
be
perfect
people.
And
when
he
told
me
that
I
had
a
spiritual
reason,
I
knew
he
was
telling
me
the
truth.
I
love
to
hear
my
sponsor,
Polly
share.
She
always
talks
about
finding
God
deep
within.
And
that's
what
it
says
in
the
big
book.
It
says
we
find
God
deep
within.
And
on
that
same
page,
it
says
it
may
be
obscured
by
calamity,
by
pomp,
by
worship
of
other
things.
And
when
I'm
into
fear
and
I'm
into
calamity,
I
feel
disconnected
from
my
higher
power.
And
that's
when
I
so
desperately,
desperately
need
the
People
Now
collection
because
it
does
speak
within
me
and
God's
people
than
you.
And
it's
at
these
times
that
God
will
reach
out
to
another
member
of
this
program
and
pull
me
back
into
the
sunlight
of
the
Spirit.
And
that's
what
happened
to
me
German
named
Bill
Honeycutt.
So
I
came
to
terms
with
my
God
again,
but
I
still
had
so
much
trouble
with
that
sense.
In
the
big
book,
I
could
hear
somebody
in
another
room
say
that
sentence
talking
about
something
wonderful
and
I
would
feel
absolute
rage.
And
I
sponsor
a
lot
of
women
in
this
program,
and
a
lot
of
these
women
have
had
tragedies
far
worse
than
my
daughter's,
especially
because
I
do
so
much
speaking.
I
attract
these
women,
and
one
of
these
women
whose
tragedy
was
worse
than
my
daughter's
made
the
mistake
of
telling
me
that
her
tragedy
must
be
God's
will
because
in
the
Big
Book
it
says
absolutely
nothing
in
God's
world
happens
by
mistake.
This
woman
desperately
needed
comfort
and
I
went
off
on
her
like
a
crazy
woman.
I
started
screaming
at
her
to
the
top
of
my
lungs
that
that
wasn't
written
by
the
1st
100
Alcoholics
and
it's
not
the
1st
164
pages
of
the
Big
Book.
I
took
the
Big
Book.
I
slammed
it
down
as
hard
as
I
could.
I
said
that's
not
even
in
the
first
two
editions
of
this
book.
And
I
made
this
woman
cry.
And
at
that
point
I
knew
that
I
was
the
one
that
a
problem.
I
had
this
resentment,
a
huge
resentment
without
something
in
the
big
book.
And
this
resentment
not
only
hurting
me
now,
it's
hurting
other
people.
So
I
came
to
a
place
I've
really
been
willing
to
give
it
up.
And
I
prayed
on
a
daily
basis
for
God
to
help
make
that
sentence.
And
about
two
years
ago,
I
with
my
sponsor,
Polly,
and
she
was
a
speaker
in
a
meeting
and
she
was
sharing
about
a
tape
out
by
Clancy
and
it's
called
alcoholism,
disease
of
perception.
And
right
when
she
said
the
words
disease
of
perception,
I
had
the
biggest
spiritual
encounter
that
I
have
ever
had.
And
I
couldn't
hear
another
word
Polly
said.
And
I
couldn't
see
anything
else
in
the
room.
I
had
this
inner
voice
talk
to
me
again.
And
it
was
so
loud.
It
was
so
cloud
and
it
was
not
through
the
ears.
It
was
so
loud
and
so
clear.
And
it
was
not
to
the
ears.
And
it's
really
hard
to
describe
what
it's
like
unless
you've
experienced
these
inner
voices.
But
this
inner
voice
said,
Michael,
you
know
what
happens
in
a
meeting
of
Alcoholic
Anonymous
as
part
of
God's
world?
What
happens
when
you're
working
those
12
steps
is
part
of
God's
world.
The
progression
of
all
good
is
part
of
God's
world.
What
happened
in
that
car
nine
years
ago
was
part
of
man's
world.
And
when
I
was
able
to
separate
man's
world
from
God's
world,
I
was
able
to
come
to
terms
with
that
sentence
in
the
big
book.
And
I,
too,
can
stand
up
here
tonight
and
tell
you
absolutely
nothing
in
God's
world
happens
by
mistake.
That's
how
I
got
to
the
program
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous
now,
two
weeks
after
I
had
this
spiritual
experience.
Or
a
weird
series
of
coincidences.
I
found
myself
sitting
at
a
dinner
table
having
dinner
with
Doctor
Paul,
who
wrote
that
sentence
in
the
big
Book.
And
I
was
at
such
peace
that
I
did
not
have
to
tell
this
man
all
about
my
resentment,
because
I
knew
at
that
point
it
did
not
matter
what
he
meant
when
he
wrote
it.
What
mattered
was
how
I
perceived
it.
And
sometimes
I
have
to
work
on
my
perception
so
that
perception
can
work
in
my
life.
And
that
might
not
work
for
you.
And
that's
OK,
because
I
truly
believe
that
God
works
for
each
one
of
us
at
our
own
level
of
understanding.
You
know,
I
once
heard
when
you
take
one
step
towards
God,
God
takes
10
steps
towards
you.
And
in
this
lifetime
as
we
know
it,
we
will
never,
ever
reach
God's
level
of
understanding.
And
because
we're
on
a
spiritual
path,
God
does
not
want
to
lose
one
of
us.
So
he
meets
each
one
of
us
at
our
individual
level
of
understanding.
And
that's
why
what
works
for
me
might
not
work
for
you,
and
what
works
for
you
might
not
work
for
me.
But
the
beauty
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous
is
whatever
you
believe,
it
will
work
within
the
12
steps.
And
since
that
day
that
man
heard
my
talk,
we've
had
lots
of
spiritual
talks
and
we've
talked
at
lots
of
conventions
together.
And
today
I
consider
this
man
my
spiritual
advisor.
And
he
told
me
he
did
not
mean
anything
like
that.
When
that
sentence
in
the
Big
Book,
he
was
not
thinking
of
man's
inhumanity
to
man.
He
said
my
spiritual
experience
was
the
best
explanation
he
could
think
of
as
to
why
evil
exists
in
this
world.
And
I
am
so
thankful
I
paid
attention
to
something
I
read
into
12
and
12
under
step
10.
It
said
restraint
of
pen
and
tongue
because
I
can't
tell
when
I
found
out
this
man
was
alive.
I
used
to
think
everybody
in
the
Big
Book
was
dead.
When
I
found
out,
when
I
found
out
this
man
was
alive,
I
can't
tell
you
how
many
times
I
sat
down
and
I
started
to
write
this
letter
and
tell
him
exactly
what
I
thought
about
him
and
exactly
what
I
thought
about
that
sentence.
And
if
I
had
done
that,
I
would
have
missed
out
on
the
skit.
Because
today
this
man
is
a
gift
in
my
life.
And
he
gets
lots
of
those
letters.
He
gets
lots
of
those
phone
calls.
And
what
he
does
today
is
he
gives
him
my
telephone
number.
Anyway,
I
want
to
thank
you
for
allowing
me
to
be
here.
I
know
today
I've
been
catapulted
into
what
Bill
calls
the
4th
dimension
of
existence
because
I
know
happiness
and
peace.
But
best
of
all
today,
absolutely.
Best
of
all
today,
I
know
usefulness.
Thanks.