Larry T. from Montrose, CA speaking in San Diego

Speaker Larry Key from Montrose,

Everybody, my name is Larry Thomas and I'm an alcoholic. And I'd like to thank Dede and and Pete for asking me to come down here and be with you and to let you know that I'm happy to be sober today. And if you're new and Alcoholic Anonymous, if you're anything like me, those two words never belong in the same room at the same time.

I've never been happy about being sober. It never brought me a warm, warm glow. You know, I mean, it always frightened me. And, and I'm especially glad to be here today because my head didn't win. My head didn't win. And my heads used to win him. My head loves doing it, insists on winning, you know, and, and one more time, my head didn't talk me out of going to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. And it's nice to come to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous and see some friends and some friends that I haven't seen

a long time. And I'm very, very proud to be an active member of my Home group. And if you're new, I hope you will soon be an active member of your Home group. Because there's a saying that goes around and Alcoholics Anonymous that the road gets narrower. I don't know about that, but it gets less crowded, that's for damn sure. You know, So we, we need I I'm no big deal in Alcoholics Anonymous. I am believe me, I am no big deal in AAI am a coffee maker and a cookie lady and

and

and I like that I my sponsor tells me that I'm living proof that a man can face over for over 12 years and not amount to a damn thing.

So there you have it and I'm not much, but I'm all I think about, you know, so and,

and, and I, I guess the hearing impaired, I guess he's going to make $40.00 an hour tonight. I guess that's the deal. And we're going to make him earn his money. I guarantee you that tonight. You know, and there were some guys that over here at Lemon Grove that I met tonight and that they wanted me to, they mentioned the story that they heard me tell

and I didn't remember the damn thing, but they certainly did. And

just to let you know that being sober, you know, does not mean that everything is going to be wonderful all the time. I did not rock it to any type of serenity or peace. I mean, the book says we're going to know Peace

doesn't say you're going to have the damn thing. But I said you're going to know it, you know, and what you're going to find out is you're going to know you don't have it most the damn time, you know? So

that's what you're going to know. You know, you're going to find that you're going to have three phases of your There's three phases of alcoholism. One is the active phase when you're out there drinking

and the other two, one is what they used to call. They don't talk about it much more anymore, but it's called a dry drunk.

And the other one is when you're sober and working the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. Most the time

you'll be in between the latter 2, and most of the time you're thinking that you should be in the latter one always,

you know, But most the time we're trying to deal with now that we're sober, what are you going to do with me? You know, we know how to stop drinking. We've done it hundreds of times, you know. But now that I'm sober, what are you going to do with me? And that's what Alcoholics Anonymous is all about. It ain't about getting silver here. You're sober when you come to us. And now we're going to show you how to live. Now that you're sober, we're going to show you what to do now that you're not drinking.

And you're going to think that most of the time it's not enough because Alcoholics Anonymous, it will give you the same effects almost as alcohol, but slower.

You know, it doesn't, it does, it doesn't affect me like alcohol used to, but it's the second best it it's a damn good second, you know, and just to give you an idea what kind of goof you have up here, which I think you're going to get a clue what you already have pretty sure right now. But I was about to this happened about a year and a half ago and I had I've had a hell of a time

holding on to jobs since I've been sober in a a I mean, I come to AAI have no skills whatsoever. And I prove that, you know, and,

you know, I mean, I can get those jobs, but I can sure leave them just as quick as I get them, you know, and hanging on to them seems to be in a problem. And last year I had a simple little job. All I had to do is pick up and deliver medical equipment, OK. And, you know, not a big scholastic deal, you know, one, one that I thought I could surely handle, you know, and all you got to do is pick this stuff up. And when they're done or they die, you pick it up, you know, and you take it back, you know? And so I was a week on the job and

feeling confident

and already feeling underpaid. You know how we are and

damn them. You know, and, and

I had to go to, I had to go to the Long Beach Memorial Hospital and pick up a wheelchair. So I go up to the 4th or 5th floor and, and I opened up this room and there's this little elderly lady, elderly elderly lady. And she's in my chair

and

she's knocked out. I mean, she's knocked out cold and she's got her little shawl, her little moo moo on and her little, you know, and she's just knocked out. And hell, I got a job to do, you know?

Yeah. And I'm a productive worker. Let's get this thing going, lady, you know, and,

and meters running, damn it. And, and so I said, OK, how am I going to get this lady out of my chair, you know, and

there's, there's this patient hoist right next to her. Bear with me now, you know, And I figure, you know, she's got the little sling around her and I'm going hell, how hard can it be? You know,

you know, our Falcons, boy, we can sum up a thing like that, you know, and make the worst out of a bad situation, man. And so, so I, you know, I, I go, OK, or just hook her up there, you know, and,

and, and let's get her up in the air and we'll move her over to the hospital bed here, you know, My God, let's go, let's get going. So I, I hook her up there, you know, and I start cranking, you know, and hell, she starts rising

and all right, everything is going pretty good, you know, and, and she's up there. I get her up there pretty high, you know, and she's kind of just, she's hanging there. And I said, OK, now we got to get her over there and let's make it in about two or three motions. We'll get some momentum here, you know, and she's up there, you know the one, you know, 2,

you know, and three. And I go to push her around and I swing her around and her leg hits the rail of the bed and her damn leg falls off like, Oh my God, you know, and I, I see this damn leg, you know, and I'm not sure if it's real or false, you know, and, you know, and I, I thought I cracked her in half, you know. And so, you know, I, there's the hinges on there and I try to hook that thing up there, you know, and

I want to look up her dress, but she's so damn old, you know, I, you know, I, but,

but, you know, but my girlfriend was rude to me and I said, what the hell, you know, I get under there like a photographer, you know, and, and I can't hook that damn thing up there, you know, and, and I don't know what to do. So I just, so I get out of there, you know, and I just leave it on her lap, you know, And I, I grabbed my chair and I get ready to make my damn move out of there, you know, and I'm running out the damn door, you know, And the doors open up and there's a doctor and a nurse and he says, what the hell happened here, you know?

And like any good Alki, I said, hell, I don't know.

I have no idea,

you know, Leave it to the alky to deny everything, you know, even if they got pictures. Not I don't know. I don't know, I said. But you may want to look at her leg, you know,

not it too far. After that is about two or three weeks after that and Gloria gets a call from central office and she says there's a guy down at central office. He's down and he's at the LA County Hospital and he wants to talk to you about A A. So I go down to the LA County Hospital a couple weeks later and I go to the 5th or 6th floor, you know, and open up this room and sure enough, there's a guy in the bed

and he's got his leg on the night stand. He's got one leg, you know, And I go in there, you know, and he's been in and out of a A before. And he says, well, what kind of stories you got to tell A1 legged guy? And I said, hell, I can think of one right now. You know,

You know, you need to be moved around anywhere, you know?

So, you know, if you're new and you're waiting for your story to be found in the book, don't you know, don't sweat it. You know, find your story in meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous

if you want to identify with anything in this damn book. Let's try the doctor's opinion. Try more about alcoholism. Quit waiting to find your unique little story in the back of the book or at your little special interest meeting. Come to meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous and find a little bit of your story in somebody and find out what that dude doing, how to stay sober.

Quit trying to find your complete dialogue in your story and one little guy taught. Try to find something about how that guy's living and trying to find out how he's still doing it and then watch him. God's given you a very lovely gift and what people in a a people talk and they talk about AA, but I want to see how you're living. I'm watching you like a hawk. I'm tired of people telling me what to do and then you go home and you see how they live and it's totally against what they just got done talking about. I want to see you, pal. I want to see you

meetings. I want to see you doing the exact same thing. You're up there telling me what to do. And you know what? I've been gifted by people in a who do that, They do that. They're like you people. They're taking care of their Home group. They're picking up chairs, they're making coffee. And these are the people I need to be around. I don't need to be around the goof are good for a year and they blow out. What about the people of nine and 10 years who are still here doing the deal?

That's what I want to see because it's up to a A to keep a A alive. It's up to the members of Alcoholics Anonymous to keep a A alive. And that's why I'm glad you see a room packed with a A members old, new and middle. That's a good sign.

There's something going on here. And it ain't like this everywhere you go. You guys got a good deal here, man. And I, I feel privileged to be in a meeting like this. And you know, my mom and dad, they're not the reason why I didn't, you know why I started drinking. I had a great mom and dad. You know, I didn't have a, a terrified childhood that just drove me into drinking. You know, I, I had a goofy mom. She was a little Scandinavian lady and she loves speed.

Love those diet pills, man, who's eating those Dexies. All grand, right? You know, And she'd be out mowing the damn yard around 3:00 in the morning, you know, or,

or you can see her, you know, hear her rake in the neighbor's yard around 5:00 in the morning, you know, raking everybody's damn long, you know, and always busy, always busy doing stuff around the house and doing it fast, you know, and

she was always out in the garage. She always liked to fart around in the garage, you know, and, and she, she, you know, I caught on at an early age. If I ever wanted any love or affection, I could find mom out in the garage around four in the damn morning, you know, I were to find love and affection and, and she'd be out there, you know, taking my dad's bolts and screws and nuts and put them in little Gerber baby jars, you know, and then, then she put the lid on a piece of round wood so he can twirl the damn thing around and find it, you know, it just

had his little hobby shop all made-up, you know. And the old man was hep to that. He didn't spend a day out there, you know, I did not see him out there one day, you know. And so she was out there and

he's a wild lady, man. She loved the needlepoint, you know, she I could hear her clicking and clacking all damn night, you know? And

everything in that house had a cover for it, you know? Everything, you know, my dad golf clubs had covers for it, you know, toilet paper had little covers for it. You know, my sister used to have cats and she admit them this, you know,

just wild, you know, and packing those lunches all night long with that old cut right wax paper, you know, and you'd get up and mom would be up all day. I'm not here, you know, and you take that, OK? You know,

And to this day, every time my mom sees me, she demands that. She says, you look hungry,

some ham. I don't want no ham. You look like you need some ham. I don't want no damn ham, you know, you look hungry, you know, and she's always trying to feed me. She's starving to death, you know, and, and she thinks that I, I need something to eat. And she would always burn stuff, burn toast and burn. She'd bring me this burnt toast and she'd go ahead and eat it. It's good for your gum, you know?

Mom ain't got a tooth in her damn head, you know? And good for my gums, all right,

but I love my mother and I still do. I love my mom and

and she was great to be and to tell the diet was working. She was down to a stick,

blonde hair and eyes just like that.

And he could get lost in the bathroom man, just doing shit, you know, and and my dad, my dad was a refinery worker and my dad loved to drink. Dad made drink and look real good. He did. He was a happy drunk, you know, scary man when he was sober, but a happy, a happy thing in the Blues drunk man always coming home with two or three guys who were his best friends did not know their first name, you know. And

always, and my dad was a window climber. He was always sneaking out of his own damn house, you know. And you know, as a kid, you wonder what the hell is going on you. It's hard to have respect for your dad when he doesn't have keys to his own home, you know, you know, what the hell is going on there, you know, and sneaking in and out of his damn windows. And it was my bedroom window that I could feel that greasy refinery boot as he's coming in or out of that bedroom window, you know, and and he snuck in there one night, you know, I felt that he snuck in there one I said, my God, dad, why don't you have mom make you some keys? Shit, you know

hell, she's up anyway, you know,

you know, I I think I hear the lawnmower going now, you know, and she she probably need the keys with her teeth. You know, just rang me out of set, you know, and

Nithya key ring to go with it. I'm sure you know,

but get the hell out of my window, you know? And so I moved out of that bedroom and and then I started sleeping with my grandfather,

who was a piece of work. He Grants was a Scandinavian and he he always told me that I look better in both of my sisters. That'll make you feel like a champ, you know, and

and you're going to go to sleep with Grandpa. I don't think so. You know, don't be no York and Bork in the night, Grandpa, you know,

over there looking at the hell he's going to do tonight, You know, and, and just like clockwork, every night around midnight, old Grandpa would be doing his rosary.

And you figure every night this guy's doing the rosary, what the hell he doing every day, you know, And he'd be when you hear the juggle of the beads and then jiggle some more, and then there'd be silence. And then old Grapple would walk over to a sock drawer, open up that sock drawer and you hear this

are open that exactly houses know what that sound is. OK, all the Eleanor's in the room go. You know,

I please know what that sound is, man. We can hear a captive seal in LA right now, man, you know? And yeah, and I heard that my eye went open like that, you know? I heard this.

Both eyes are open like that, and Gramps tilt that old Peach Brandy down, which is another sound we love, you know? And he come back to bed, you know, and he'd be quiet, you know, And then you hear this

and I'd look over there and their grandpa standing his bunions down, OK, I'm about to choke the son of a bitch because I can't get any sleep anywhere, you know, moms up all night mowing the damn neighborhood, Dad stuck in the window with one of his best friends. And Grandpa was over here rubbing himself raw, you know, and I

and I'm wondering where the hell a kid can get some sleep. You know, I, you know, to this day, I want a full night's sleep. You know, I got a lively head. My head kept me up all night long talking to me. My head wants it's 1:00 in the morning. My head wants to chat. What the hell you want to talk about, man? You know. Oh, we're going to talk about your past.

My God, we just talked about that the other night. We're going to go over. Yes, we are, you know, and my head goes on and on. And then, you know, I've always wanted a good night sleep, you know, and sure enough, you know, so there's no Grant standing himself raw. And that's when I started sleeping out on a couch, man, watching those old movies, Cisco Kid and Sky King and stuff like that and getting curious about what's in my old man's thermos and stuff like that. And, and never felt me. Same thing was in my permit and was in there every year. Some of that old port wine,

tawny port wines in that thermos, man, I remember the smell of that and I remember the taste of it, man. And, and I just a normal goofy kid. I haven't been terrorized into alcoholism. I, I have a, you know, I've been real simple. I, I like, I like tree forts and dirty magazines. You know, just give me a good tree for this day. That sounds pretty good.

And I like this van, you know, And I mean, at this time my dad used to play that old Drifter song up on the roof and boy, and there I was up on that damn tree Fort, man and man, away from everything man, and looking down around. And I love being in that tree Fort.

And the reading was good and and you know, and I'm doing everything that all these other goofy kids in the neighborhood are doing. I'm playing the sports, I'm going to school. But they seem to be happy with that. They seem to be content with that quote normal living. I'm doing the same thing. And I'm sorry there's got to be a little more than this. You know, I've always, you know, it seems like I've always been born looking for an answer. I've always been curious and and wanting to be discovered.

Always want that kicker desire. One day you're going to be discovered. Little did I know that it'd be on the streets of LA stolen drunk. But I was discovered nonetheless, you know, and I've always wanted to to be something because I'm sure that what I am ain't enough, you know? And around 1010 years old, my dad came into that bedroom of mine and he told me that that I was going to have a baby brother. Man, that alky imagination just I started planning for that kid brother, start saving up my baseball cards and oiling up my gloves and thinking about how me and that kid brother are going to go to

the drag races and stuff like that. Nine months later, my dad come into that same bedroom and he told me that my baby brother died.

I did not have any compassion for my mom. I don't remember. Thank God. Dad, is there anything I can do? How's she feeling?

I did something that was going to follow me to this day. You know, we go through temper tantrum in our age, in a New York second boom. When I went after my old man, for the first time in my life, this young man has physical contact with his father. And it's not a handshake. The first time you make or approach your old man and you go to hit him or something like that. And I remember how I felt. I remember what he did too. You know, he, you know, he beat the hell out of me. What the hell are you doing? And I remember yelling at him. You promised me. You promised me dad. And from that point on, that was this,

because I've been slowly building up a wall between me and that old man and me and that family. And that was going to be it. That was the last frickin of all. And from now on, whatever family says, Larry, don't trust it. If that's what family is, you can have it, man. And I already got my little resentment going on, man. And around 10-11 years old, there was four of us across the street in a garage. And I took a shot of four rows whiskey. And for the first time in my life, man, I felt like I should have been feeling all along, man. That book described God the same way that I felt that day.

It did for me what I couldn't do for myself and was going to continue doing for me what I couldn't do in any given situation every time. And it just loosened up those shoulders and warmed up yourself and you just took you out there and you go, yes, man, this is it. This is how you're supposed to be feeling. Screw getting a home run,

you know. And no longer was I, it was at ever necessary for me to ever have any goals or aspirations from that point on, from the moment of that first dream, it was no longer necessary for Larry to wonder what he's going to do when he grows up. What's he going to do after high school? Is he going to be a Navy man? If you go on, you know, what's he going to do?

What are you going to do? None of that. All my questions were answered. They were no longer even thought about. But more important, more important, just as important as how that first drink affected me was more, just as equally as important was what happened the next day. And if you're new, an Alcoholic Anonymous, I hope you identify with this, was that sobriety was never going to look the same. It never looked the same and it never was going to be enough.

I would always remember how that drink made me feel

and at any given moment I could know that I could pick up a drink and have that feeling there and I would not have to think or worry or do anything, man. It was always right there and it worked every time, man. And I didn't head off the Skid Row that next day. But I never thought anymore about what I'm going to be or what should I do about life. The questions of life were answered, man. And come time to get into high school, I didn't have any peer group and I didn't know what the hell was I going to do. And when I got into high school, I found a group,

people that made me feel more part of life than the people didn't. Alcoholics Anonymous. And it was the low riders. Summer after my freshman year, I found the lowriders and all we had with big hair, You know, I had a hair. It looked like a damn tumbleweed, man. It was so big like that. And I, I drink, you know, drink that gin and eat those Reds. And we'd bounce around all day listening to The Four Tops and the Temptations and the o'jays. And God, I loved it, man. I had a little. Yeah. It wasn't about a couple weeks ago at work. I'm driving around in my plumbing truck and I heard The Four Tops. I started thinking in my damn truck, man, you know,

I loved it. I had a little Mexican girlfriend named Luffy and she's the curler hair up real big, you know. And she'd get these soup cans and sometimes that old soup was still in them, you know. And she'd curl up her, she'd curl up her hair real big, you know, and paint her eyebrows real big and get on these sweaters and put them on backwards where the buttons are. And I get my hair real big and wear these white town craft shirts with these black khaki pants and these 6 inch pointed shoes. And you can see my hair before I did when I were around a damn corner, man. And we drive around, up and down the damn streets all night long

to The Four Tops in the o'jays, that Vibrasonic going, you know, and just bouncing all damn night. And everything I wanted was in that car. Everything I ever needed in life was in that car, man. And I knew that I was going to go through life in that car. I found what I've been looking for in that car, man. And I love the way I felt, man. I remember time. It was time to get into drivers education

and they usually have the biggest coach in the world driving with you, you know, and it was my turn to drive and he said, Thomas, get in the car. So I get my hair into the car like that, you know, and we're driving around and he had me parallel parts. So I parallel park and he thinks I'm doing pretty good. And he said, you know what's kind of hot out? He says, why don't you go to the jack-in-the-box, pull in there and I want to buy everybody some Pepsi. I know it's a pretty good idea. What I forgot was 15 minutes before class, I took four with his end call, 2:00 and all these babies are great. These are like

a picture of martinis in a capsule, man. You know, I've been a good guy. I just been drinking and using heroin up to that point. I've been bothering anybody. And man, I took four of those things. And you know, you take them all. The guy gave me 4. I took 4, you know, because what if one don't work? You know, you take them all, you know? You don't want to be caught with anything. You take them all, you know?

So 10 minutes go by and I said yeah, he ripped me off. I knew it. I'm glad I took them all, you know.

So we go to pull into this Jackson box. I forgotten all about that bunk dope I got, you know, And we pull in there, you know, and all of a sudden, boom, those things nail me, man. My ears are ringing and I start sweating, you know, And I go to ask the coach, you know, what we should get. I think, you know, did you want me to get Pepsi or something like that? And I certainly remember. I go,

my God, I lost my voice. My vision is gone and I'm starting to feel hitting. My eyes are in the back of my head like that, you know, and

I can't see a damn thing, man. I'm trying to open up my eyes and oh, man. And my voice is gone, you know, I'm thinking I can talk, all right, but I'm, you know, and, and he says, pull up to the damn puppet and order some Pepsi, you know, Hell, I can't see the damn puppet, man, you know, all I can hear is that. Can I have your order, please? You know, So you start honing in for that, you know, and

then I have your order, please, and you're going around it and I finally see the menu, you know, So you go for that. And I ran over the damn puppet and bam, like that.

I see that old puppets head hanging over like that, you know, and philosophies, don't you just you want to talk? Yeah, I want to. I want to ask the puppet to come out and drive for me. I think, you know, be my designated driver for the day, you know? And the cops come and they arrest us, you know, and they throw me on the hood of the car and they shatter my hair all over the damn parking lot,

you know? And they arrest me and, you know, and I don't drive till I'm 30. Big deal, man, Big deal. Now I'm riding shotgun. And if there's two things made for alkies, one of them was alcohol and the other one hasn't been the mirror. There's something about an alky and a mirror, man. I mean, we, we just, we see that mirror. I mean, Oh, my God, there he is, you know, And it's yourself, you know? Look at you, my God, you know, And the more you drink, the better looking you get, you know,

because I didn't. Bigger and beefier and my God, you get your eyes get bluer and your hair gets bigger and you're just wonderful, you know? And there I was. I was riding shotgun, man. I'm riding shotgun, you know? And I'm drinking that old gin and I'm looking out that damn. And I see myself in that mirror and I go, oh, man, you're going to get them tonight, you know, we're going to score tonight, man. You're taking a shot off that mirror. Yeah, man, you just, you're 110 lbs. You can't lick a stamp, you know,

but you're going to go get them tonight, you know, My God, you know, and I love to dance, man. Once I started drinking, I love to dance, man. I'll be dancing all night with these little cha Chas, you know, and,

and I remember this one night, you know, we're dancing, you know, and then somebody told me that somebody sold a a jar of red from my best buddy pooch. And then they threw me in the back seat and we were going out the Whittier to Pico Revere. We were going to get this guy. And so I'm in the back seat and we're driving around, you know, and I got this little piece of pipe in this magazine

drive out there, man, and we're drinking and stuff like that. And we're listening to Smokey. And I thought, yeah, yeah, we pull up into that damn hamburger standing those guys with Larry. There you are. He's in the back. He's in the back of the stand back there in a parking lot. And I see this guy back there. And I said, all right, man, let's go get him. You know, And I, I don't know about you, but when bad things happen to me, they take forever. Yeah. I mean, you know, it's like the film stops and it goes quick and it just goes real slow, fast things happen like that, you know? I mean, you know, when you ever had a good week, it goes like that, you know? But when you're having a bad week, it just

like a month, you know, and I knew something was going on is when they said, all right, Larry, go get him. And I'm going out the car by myself, OK. And I see this guy in the back of the Dang parking lot and he's about 6 foot six, about 280 lbs.

His feet are this sick, you know, and and I'm going after him with that damn magazine with that pipe in it, you know, And all of a sudden I knew something was wrong because quick, slow motion and I see myself running after this guy going to hit him and the pipe fall out of the magazine.

That old boy kicked my ass for two days, it seemed like, you know, but the algae that I am, I'm thinking, you know, when this guy's done, I'm going to kick his ass, you know, and all like they see was his boot, you know, just like that, you know, and I'm and I'm thinking, you know, what does this guy think happening to him? This little white man coming after him with a Life magazine, you know, what am I going to get out of here? Get on back to Pico Rivera taking his stuff like that, you know, what did they think I was going to do with that magazine, you know,

just crazy, you know? But I love my life, man. I, I, I, I knew that me and Putin Loopy were going to bounce off into the sunset forever, man. I knew it. And come in 1969, everybody's going places. A lot of my buddies are going to Vietnam. A lot of my buddies are going to Chino and Tehachapi. And I see a lot of them are turning hippie and going up to to Big Sur and Colorado and all that nonsense. And yeah, I wonder what the hell I'm going to be, you know? So I decided, well, I'll go back to Detroit, so I'll head back east. So I wind up in Phoenix.

There I am on Phoenix and Phoenix got real Cowboys and Indians. I'm over there on North Central and Buckeye Rd. at the Apache Motel. The blonde low rider in Phoenix, you know, and

and my drinking starting to take on some weird characteristics that I'm starting to notice. My whole personality is getting very weird now is it's like whoever I'm around, I start acting like in a matter of minutes and I'm I'm I go to the wagon wheel bar where else, you know, under the old tactics in and I'll be sitting there and I'll have a couple Boilermakers, you know, Ernie will come up next to me and go hi, how are you? I'll take a shot and I go I'm doing fine. How are you, you know,

What the hell did that come from? You know,

I'll go down to this little Japanese bar in Gardena and I'll be sipping some some whiskey and some guy goes, hi, how are you? And I'm I'm doing fine. How are you? You know, I don't know who the hell I am, you know, and, and I'm just, you know, whoever comes around me, I think I said acting like them, you know, and and I'm just weird because I'm getting like that sober. I'm getting really weird sober. And I start writing, I start drinking that Old Crow whiskey and I start writing prescriptions is what I start doing.

And I start writing prescriptions down there for second all and Nebutol and two and all and Obitol and you name it all. I wrote it all, you know,

and tried to take it all, you know, and, and I ran those things for a while. We had a good deal, but we were running them wild. And they caught up with me. And I spent two years down there in an institution in southern Arizona. And I come out of that institution at the age of 21 in 1972, bound and determined that what happened to me was because I was a teenager. Chalk it off to being a kid and hanging around a gang. But something else is happening to me in my life, which is why I'm in this room right now.

And if you're new an Alcoholic's Anonymous, you hear it said a couple different ways.

And one of them is that people used to have a life, they started drinking, it got bad, and they come to a A. And then there's another group of people who say they had a life, they started drinking, it got bad, and then it stopped working. And then they come to a A and in 1972, at the age of 21, it stopped working. I did not come to AA. That was not my first thought. Oh, there come to a, it ain't working. For the first time in my life, my drinking's got my attention. That thing that used to work like that, it ain't working no more. That magic that I used to get with just 1/2 pint? I can't. That happy spot that I could just slowly get to,

I can't get to. And I start frantically trying combinations of things just to find a brief moment of relief. Because now I'm feeling the same when I'm sober as I am when I'm drunk. And there is there's physical drunkenness, but there is no mental drunkenness. It still feels the same. And I don't know what the hell to do. I ain't getting no relief.

All I'm getting is boom, a phenomenon of craving, and I'm off and running. I'm blacking out and I'm waking up two or three days later. What the hell happened?

I was almost there.

Now I got to take a drink to get these shakes off and that's all I'm going to have is a couple cans of Old English and I'll be all right. And I go to have a couple cans and boom, I'm gone again.

I don't know nothing about a phenomenon of cravings. I don't know nothing about that

and I don't know what to do because I can't find that spot. And the only thought that I have is that it worked once, it's got to work again.

And the reason that I tell you that story about being a Lowrider is because that was the only memory that I had that if I could get it to work like it did in 1965 in the back of that Chevy, I know I can get it to work again. And I know the next time will be like that. I know it. I'll catch everything in on that next drink.

Whatever good I've built up, whatever thing that I'm trying to overcome, I will cash it in on that next drink every time because I know the next time it's going to bring me relief, like in 65. And every time I cash it in and every time it's not that thing, you know, one more 10th and one more failure, Countless vain attempts. I love it when our book of Alcoholics Anonymous talks about the things that we do prior to getting here. Add Infinitum.

Scott's The Brandy, Different kinds of Wine, different kinds of books. Self help books Senate. But this isn't happening in a matter of two weeks.

They're talking about a part of an alcoholic's life, which is the most desperate part of our life when we're trying to get that thing to work. And we know that we can, we know that something else, it has to be something else, that it ain't our drinking. That's one of the most desperate kind of an alcoholic life is when they start naming that stuff that we're trying to do. They're talking about some desperate parts of our life, you know, and, and I don't know what to do. And in 1974, my probation officer, I'm back here in LA,

he sends me out the Camarillo and he's tried an abuse and I'm drinking on that and he's tried therapy and I'm just goofy on that. And he sends me the Camarillo to be observed. And they like what they seen because they kept me there for 13 months. And I come out of Camarillo found and determined that what was happening to me,

the bounding, determines that what was happening to me would never be a cure for and that I was to be like everybody else that leaves that place. And like they told us, we will not operate out in society without some type of mood altering chemical, IE Thorazine.

We're going to need something to round off the edges because just being sober ain't enough.

I drank because of the way that I felt when I was sober. I couldn't stand the way that I felt when I was sober.

I couldn't stand the way that I felt when I was sober. I never felt enough and I was always afraid and it never got better. And people would tell me to shape up and sober up and stop drinking and you'll be all right. People have all walked the life. And every time you're talking to him, you're saying, man, I've been there, I've done that. Don't you understand that? That's why I drink is a way that I feel I'm sober. It drives me to drink every time again, man.

And I'm left out there for two months and I'm arrested in downtown Los Angeles for being publicly intoxicated to violation, appropriation of public nuisance.