Lila R. from Santa Monica at Santa Barbara September 14th 1997
My
name
is
Lila
and
I'm
an
alcoholic.
It
always
takes
a
few
moments
for
my
dad
to
show
up.
I've
gotten
used
to
it.
Silence
doesn't
bother
me
anymore,
so
I
hope
it
doesn't
bother
you.
Thanks
Jan.
Once
I
understand
10,000,010
being
so
kind
and
I
talked
to
him
on
the
phone,
I
really
didn't
want
to
put
another
convention
on
my
calendar.
I'm
sure
you
didn't.
Santa
Barbara.
No.
Very,
very
kind
and
quiet
way
this
weekend
while
I've
been
here.
Yeah.
My
son
was
gracious
enough
to
call
not
too
long
ago.
And
there
was
my
opportunity
again,
in
the
midst
of
a
lot
of
problems
in
my
life,
to
say
no,
I
just
didn't
have
the
strength.
But
for
some
reason
I
didn't
say
that.
So
if
all
else
fails,
why,
I'll
just
drive
down
on
Sunday
morning
and
I
don't
actually
bother
with
the
whole
weekend
because
you
see,
a
lot
of
times
I'm
going
to
leave
and
that's
life.
And
that's
just
the
bride
he
is.
That's
about
life.
Sometimes
it's
like
the
ocean,
you
know
the
way
the
bigger
than
usual.
Just
recently,
yeah,
my
love
Jane
said
to
me
the
book
she
was
reading
about
these
random
ways,
and
they
called
them
crazy
spontaneous
ways.
It
just
comes
from
all
directions.
And
she
said
they're
so
big
in
the
ocean
that
that
they
they
can
take
the
portal
or
seal
windows
right
off
on.
I'm
afraid
of
water
as
it
is,
you
know,
but
this
is
it.
I
know
that
it
was
parallel
in
my
life
and
if
you
want
to
tell
me
that
the
most
dangerous
job
in
the
world.
We
talked
about
this
this
morning
with
commercial
fishing.
Imagine,
I
thought,
those
guys
are
just
out
there
getting
a
tan
and
getting
more
core
unfortunate
fish
and
swapping
around
in
ice
buckets
and
delivering
them
as
fresh
and
every
restaurant
in
Santa
Barbara.
But
apparently
not.
And
the
light
is
everywhere.
I
came
here
on
Sunday.
I
mean,
last
Friday,
and
I
didn't
really
have
a
good
attitude,
really
telling
the
truth.
I
came
because
I
was
desperate
to
get
away.
I
needed
to
rest.
I
was
not
physically
doing
very
well.
Since
happened
for
Sunday
to
Sunday.
And
I
know
it's
a
few
negative
things.
You
know
when
you're
tired
and
you're
not
going
down
and
what
happens
to
you,
What
happens
to
me
is
I
do
not
see.
And
what
I
sometimes
see
is
unprotected
and
it's
fearful.
Things
began
to
happen
and
I
have
come
to
believe
when
I
need
glasses,
I
mean
why
we're
a
loss,
that
masses
are
also
to
become
in
the
hand.
I
thought
I
was
humble
enough
to
be
over
that
bullshit
on
the
same
time.
So
don't
worry
Tim,
I
now
know
what
time
it
is.
I'll
end
in
an
hour.
But
the
little
miracle
began
to
happen
that
restored
me.
You
see,
I
believe
in
miracles.
I
believe
in
miracles
for
the
last
27
past
years
of
my
civilian
and
I
expect
them.
And
I
believe
that
I
show
up.
If
I
show
up,
if
I
just
do
the
next
indicator
thing,
then
that's
what's
going
to
happen
to
me.
That
I
will
be
healed,
that
I
will
be
healed.
And
no
matter
how
much
is
going
on
in
my
life,
and
believe
me
I
was
surprised
myself,
no
matter
how
much
is
going
on,
I
will
be
healed
and
the
healing
will
begin
and
the
most
settling
kind
and
outside
ways
until
I
too
then
to
the
use
of
people
and
to
the
events
of
miracles
will
begin
to
open
me
up
inside.
And
that
great
reality
will
again
fill
me
up
and
I
will
be
able
to
breathe
my
God,
Breathe
my
God,
breathe
my
God.
When
I
get
fearful
and
too
much
happens
and
I
don't
sleep
and
the
pain
comes
back
in
my
heart,
then
I
can
assure
you
that
I
do
not
breathe
my
songs
when
I
forget
and
I
forget.
I
don't
care
how
long
they
sold
them.
There
are
days
when
you
may
forget.
But
the
great
thing
about
the
consistency
and
the
habit
of
sobriety,
the
habit
of
sobriety.
I
mean,
I
hope
your
habit
of
sobriety
is
as
dedicated
as
the
habit
of
drinking
because
you'll
be
safe
then.
And
the
habit
of
my
to
die
is
he
is
that
if
I
can
just
stay
going,
if
I
can
keep
going,
everything
will
be
all
right.
And
as
we
pulled
into
the
parking
places
and
Tim
had
arranged
the
room
that
we
had
requested
and
it
was
really
nice
because
I
have
come
to
the
Miramar
to
heal
myself
before
and
I
was
insane
and
same
place
and,
and
that
we
live
in
environment
at
home,
you
know,
which
is
really
like
a
resource
and
we
can
hear
the
water
and
everything
that's
not
like
it's
in
there.
I
mean,
it
sounds
on
that
church
and
it
just
washes
your
soul
and
your,
you
know,
I
don't
know
what
happens
to
you
when
you
hear
that
wall
from
pounds.
But
for
me,
it's
a
cleansing
and
and
about
all
of
the
economy.
We're
taking
the
things
into
the
room
and
one
of
the
little
vehicles,
you
know,
with
the
guy
and
baskets
combined
as
a
young
woman
and
her
name
is
Dana.
You
know,
the
young
tongue
heroes
at
these
conventions
and
all
these
baskets.
And
I
heard
you
say
that,
you
know,
that
goes
to
bathroom
and
just
for
Ryan
and
I
smiled
myself
and
I
was
in
one
of
those
moons,
you
know,
where
he
didn't
want
to
talk
any
model.
I'm
trying
to
haven't
even
closed
the
car
door
and
found
me
to
be
on,
you
know,
and
I
sort
of
stood
against
the
car
for
moments
and
I
looked
at
her
and
I
have
a
habit.
I
have
a
habit
of
sobriety
within
me
like
reason.
I
couldn't
help
myself.
My
daughter
took
over
my
hand
extended
itself
and
I
said,
hello,
my
name
is
Lila.
And
she
said
my
name
is
Dana
and
da
da,
da,
da,
da.
And
she
was
delightful.
She
was
delightful
and
she
had
that
sparkle
in
her
eyes
and
and
I
thought,
Oh
my
God,
and
she
gave
me
enough
strength
to
get
up
the
stairs
and
to
be
grateful
to
be
there
and
then
in
this
basket.
You
know,
I've
done
this
contentions.
And
I
must
tell
you
that
you
did
all
kinds
of
interesting
things.
A
lot
of
it's
just
never
using
a
full
license.
You
know,
the
kind
of
stuff
you
find
in
the
park
and
the
people
that
are
about
102
and
different
things
and
and
why
I
look
at
the
basket
and
it
was
very
interesting
and
it
had
political
paper
and
little,
you
know,
little
Stringer
thing.
And
I
thought,
geez,
and
a
lovely
little
car
in
a
tiny
envelope
seashells
and
the
reactor
and
how
kind
and
how
much
because
no
matter
how
many
people
are
made-up
in
the
world
and
they
and
there
are
those
people
here
right
in
this
room
today
born
negative.
I
saw
them
some
of
them
this
weekend.
And
you
know,
but
there's
more
people
that
are
not,
you
know,
they
mean
there's
more
people
that
are
not.
And
it's
my
choice
as
to
where
I
look
and
it
is
my
will
that
will
allow
me
to
submit
that
decision
as
long
as
I
use
that
real
commit
room
to
garbage
season
seashells,
seashells.
And
I'll
see
the
cars.
And
I
don't
know
what
it
is
written
as
lost.
And
then
I
looked
again
when
Koppen
in
the
cop,
there
were
the
pencils
and
a
little
bit.
But
you
know,
something
that
I
should
write
with.
And
it
was
wonderful.
And
in
fact,
I
did
take
that
with
Vulcan.
I
wrote
down
some
of
the
good
things
that
this
young
girl
had
mentioned
to
her.
Did
you
do
all
these
bastards
and
relation
agreement?
You
know,
yes,
let
me
tell
you
what
you
have
in
here.
It
was
wonderful
in
my
basket.
Now
I
don't
know
about
the
other
people
fastest,
but
I'm
just
assuming
mine
is
special.
This
little
tiny
big
book
keeps
falling.
Do
you
think
that
means
anything?
I'm
sure
it's
the
secret.
After
all,
I
should
have
figured
back
I
have
to
wait
the
whole
weekend.
The
only
good
thing
is
I
didn't
get
one
of
those
flags
so
nobody
knew
it
was
me
and
I
was
delighted.
OK,
I
have
a
big
yellow
rubber
waft
in
my
bathroom.
I
mean
one
of
those
things
like
8
feet
long
and
you
can
slow
it
off
and
float
around
in
the
water.
It
was
out
so
lutely
delightful.
It
was
delightful
and
trail
mix
and,
and
some
wonderful
coffee,
you
know,
ground
coffee
and
a
back
scratcher
and
these
little
million
little
shells
and
actually
a
tiny
little
of
starfish
and,
and
the
little
note
paper
and
1000
other
little
things
and
a
little
soap
in
the
shape
of
the
sun.
And
I
thought
how
gracious,
how
loving,
how
kind,
how
considerate
she
was
to
think
of
each
and
every
one
of
these
things,
all
of
which
put
together
a
welcome
that
really
heals
me.
And
I
forgot
the
most
important
thing
at
all.
Useless.
You're
so
tiny.
Earplugs.
Earplugs.
It
was
marvelous.
Marvel,
Marvel,
you
know,
not
that
you
need
in
here
because
because
of
this
young
girl's
tiny
healing,
every
time
that
train
came
by,
why
I
rushed
to
the
door,
flung
it
open
to
see
it,
You
know,
she
was
able
to
restore
me,
to
be
able
to
have
a
little
bit
of
fun,
to
become
a
child
again.
It
was
wonderful.
He
was
absolutely
wonderful.
Going
her
own
way.
I
don't
know
how
long
Dana
is
so,
but
she
exhibited
more
sobriety
and
strength
and
hope
than
I
have
that
day.
The
next
day,
well,
I
wanted
to
play
tennis.
You
know,
I
have
the
rackets
and
all
that
and
they
feel
good
on
my
shoulder.
I
like
wearing
the
tennis
shorts
and,
and
I
said
well,
I
may
not
say
well,
but
I
look
really
good.
And
you
know,
in
fact,
she
won
one
of
them
and
I
went
out
with
the
attempt
to
play
tennis,
but
I
really,
I
was
unable
to
and
I
didn't
really
feel
like
dealing
with
impatience
with
some
of
the
other
players.
So
I
thought,
no,
you
know
something,
I'm
not
really
don't
have
the
strength
for
this
tennis.
But
it
was
wonderful
to
spend
5
or
so
minutes
talking
with
Mark
and
to
find
out
that
he's
in
his
first
year
and
here
he
is
volunteering
as
a
sports
chairman
of
the
event.
And
later
on,
Jane
said,
oh,
he
was
great.
He
came
out
smoking
a
cigarette
just
to
make
sure
everybody
playing
tennis
is
doing
all
right.
We'd
have
to
see
this
guy
in
20
years
while
he's
out
there,
you
know,
being
the
referee
with
us
or
whatever.
But.
And
I
wanted
off
to
the
Aleran
luncheon.
And
again,
I
really
didn't
want
to
go
and
I
didn't
feel
up
to
it.
But
I
had
the
habit,
the
habit
of
sobriety,
and
I
needed
to
go.
And
I
used
to
be
around
people,
even
if
I
didn't
know
any
of
them,
really.
When
I
walked
into
the
room,
I
ran
into
Renee
King's
life.
And
I
said,
may
I
see
that
you
take
it?
And
then
she
took
course
and
she
told
me.
And
then
I
was
led
by
what
is
referred
to
in
the
12:00
and
12:00
as
the
mature
as.
And
it's
got
nothing
to
do
with
age
and
time
on
society,
but
it's
a
sense
of
serenity
inside
and
sense
of
peace
and
with
the
lady
across
the
table
that
her
name
is
Theresa.
And
we
talked
about
Ruth
in
the
International
Convention
or
you
just
spoke
there
and
we
shared
some
of
our
experiences
at
the
International
Convention
and
it's
restored
me
and
it's
brought
me
back
to
the
one
during
the
magic
and
the
blessing
that
I
felt
there
had
the
opportunity
to
participate
in
that
convention.
And
it
was
such
an
honor.
It
was
one
of
the
honors
of
my
life.
And
and
outside
of
there,
I
have
as
many
successes,
fantastic
one
of
the
business
of
them
all
under
and
we
talked
about
that
and
she's
sending
me
a
teeth.
I
believe
you
have
her
here
last
year,
and
perhaps
you
heard
the
part
that
you've
gone
out
in
the
International
Convention
and
such
a
distressing
thing.
And
Theresa
healed
me
by
her
kindness
and
her
gentleness
and
God.
I
ran
into
two
more
times
on
performing
and
again
yesterday.
And
she
will
not
know
how
the
language
of
the
heart
is
not
spoken
in
words
that
comes
through
the
eye,
comes
through
the
heart.
The
opportunity
to
have
on
my
rise
a
woman
in
Eve.
And
as
I
saw
the
woman
before,
have
no
idea
about
her,
how
long
she
sold
her,
anything
about
her,
she
will
not
know
how
much
she
feels.
She
heals
me
because
she's
gentle
inside
and
I
could
see
it
in
her
eyes.
It
was
so
that
that
next
evening
when
I
listened
outside
to
the
judgment
speaking
last
night,
No
mistake.
If
she
came
and
she
sat
beside
me,
I
needed
her.
I
needed
her
beside
me
more
than
I
needed
to
anyone
else.
She
was
the
perfect
person
to
sit
beside
me.
She
healed
me.
She
spoke
the
language
in
the
heart.
We
did
not
talk.
She
has
no
idea
what
is
going
on
in
my
life.
She
looked
in
my
eyes.
She
understood.
I
did
not
have
to
explain
that
to
her.
I
am
gracious
to
share
my
life
with
member
of
Alcoholics
Anonymously
Standing
who
knows
me.
He
loves
me
to
wait
for
me,
who
understands
this
is
a
difficult
time.
It
is
a
change
in
my
life,
a
very
big
change.
A
lot
has
happened.
Just
felt
that
sickness
does
that.
Holding
a
whole
thing
goes
does
that
I
don't
be
turning
the
last
week
to
close
my
mother's
house
after
36
years
before
living
there.
And
I
walked
into
the
bedroom
when
my
brother
died
from
our
disease
at
21
years
of
age.
And
I
have
to
say
goodbye
to
that
room
because
I
would
never
be
back.
And
he
brought
it
all
back,
brought
it
all
back.
I
looked
at
the
feebleness
of
my
mother
as
she's
moving
into
my
building.
And
I
had
to
put
aside
the
horror.
Have
had
a
new
mother
two
inches
from
you.
And
I
thought,
Oh
my
God,
she
goes
and
she
sees
well
and
she
needs
me
now.
And
I
have
this
thing
from
Sunday
to
Sunday
that
this
can
happen
in
your
life
from
Sunday
to
Sunday.
That's
just
the
beginning.
We
won't
even
talk
about
the
unrecovered
sober
person,
my
sister,
who
is
not
untreated
recovery,
sobriety
without
the
habits
of
how
to
learn
stark
raving
man
at
any
given
moment.
Go
to
check
for
$470,000
and
there's
$2.00
from
me.
Get
it
in
a
weekend.
Why
visit
it
at
home?
Our
sober
environment,
our
our
environments
shared
by
God
and
all
of
the
angels
and
all
the
love
and
all
the
people
played
on
our
couch.
And
we
healed
her
after
her
operation
for
surgery
in
the
hospital.
And
we
fed
her
and
we
lit
the
fire
and
we
did
all
the
things
that
we
would
do
for
anybody
and
that
we
do
for
ourselves.
Because
you
learn
to
nurture
yourself
in
the
program's
alcoholic
synonymous,
You
don't.
And
you
have
manufactured
the
misery
that
it
says
in
the
book
you
did
not
do.
Because
healing
can
come
from
love
and
graciousness
and
kindness
and
nurturing
to
yourself
just
as
well
as
pain.
TER
on
our
college.
And
we
took
care
of
her
and
she
felt
that
peace
and
she
felt
that
love
and
she
felt
that
feeling
that
is
natural
for
us
and
she
thought
she
could
buy
it.
My
brother
went
in
on
Thursday
for
surgery
anytime
it
could
have
been
last
second
and
it
is
no
longer
life
setting
on
fire
and
the
brother
went
in
next
income
to
help
you
out.
I
don't
think
so.
We
don't
know
when
if
you
passed
away
from
counsel
after
six
months.
He's
27
years
of
age.
So
my
other
brother
had
another
baby
boy
and
he
was
born
and
that's
why.
And
it
all
happened
from
Sunday
to
Sunday.
So
it's
time
really
it's
for
us
to
measure.
But
I
think
in
the
new
spiritual
universe,
it
is
not
measured
at
all.
And
All
in
all,
from
Friday
afternoon
to
Sunday
morning,
am
I
better?
No
Am
I
better
than
I
was?
Absolutely.
Have
I
had
a
little
fun
news
that
I
have.
Have
I
had
some
good
laugh?
Yes.
Have
I
felt
that
kindness
and
the
love
of
my
friends?
Still
Blender.
She
goes
up
and
translator
this
morning,
Phil,
he
called
my
mother
yesterday
to
find
out
she
was
doing
all
right.
How
do
you
get
these
people
in
your
life?
April
and
SKP
drove
over
here
this
morning,
Judy.
So
I've
shared
rooms
of
meetings
with
the
20
something
years.
Do
we
talk?
Do
we
really
know
about
it?
That
applies
to
the
and
I
not
at
all.
I'm
not
sure
I
know
what
she
does
really
prior
to
my
choosing
to
take
some
time
and
they're
trying
closing
that
business.
I'm
not
sure
she
knew
what
the
hell
is.
Has
it
ever
affected
us?
I
love
to
one
another.
It's
a
wonder
of
seeing
her
this
morning.
Can
I
tell
you
it
healed
me?
So
I
don't
know
if
you'll
get
anything
at
all
this
morning.
Not
really
my
business
results,
but
I'll
tell
you
I
have
had
more
than
I
can
measure.
And
here's
the
great
part.
I
expect
even
more.
You
see,
I'm
an
alcoholic.
Just
because
I
have
self
drinking
doesn't
mean
that
I
don't
want
it
all.
I
still
want
it
all.
I'm
sold
enough
I
can
have
it.
I
intend
to
feel
as
much
as
I
possibly
can,
and
I
do
not
intend
to
wait
for
a
golden
lies
in
a
magnificent
experience
to
be
follow
me
on
my
deathbed.
I
want
it
now,
I
want
it
today,
I
want
it
this
minute,
I
want
it
in
size,
I
want
it
now.
And
I
can
have
it
and
I
only
have
to
do
2
things.
Too
many
stake
over
they
still
remains
not
drink
For
me
it
means
you
nothing
else
and
mid
room
for
loss.
Well,
that's
all
I
have
to
do.
80
every
ounce
of
energy
that
I
have,
not
to
say
so
if
I
make
room
for
God
and
I'm
busy
about
that,
I'm
silver.
If
I
make
room
for
love
and
my
spiritual
condition
is
found,
I'm
not
going
to
drift
when
I
turn
the
hole
on
the
ground
in
Huntington
Park
until
the
1st
1969
to
60s.
You
know
your
convention
is
the
60s.
I
thought
great.
I
have
not
a
clue
what
they
were
like.
I
mean,
I
can't
tell
you
that
I
was
conscious
in
the
60s
at
all,
not
at
all.
And
when
I
October
1969,
when
I
did
become
sober
to
leave
me
out
of
it,
not
conscious.
I
was
sober,
but
I
was
not
conscious.
I
was
absolutely
frozen
in
my
body,
terrified
of
the
thing
called
sobriety,
hating
the
sensation
of
it.
He
imagined
the
emotion
of
it.
Never
mind
stop
the
same
spiritual
balance.
How
about
breathing?
I
mean,
I
could
not
turn
my
head.
I
came
in
with
Alcoholics
poisoning,
my
leg
was
already
beginning
to
drag
and
I
was
22
years
big.
I
could
not
lose
my
hair.
I
was
dying.
Did
it
matter
to
me?
Absolutely
not.
Can
you
show
me
all
the
pictures
of
cirrhosis
and
livers
and
everything?
OK,
Because
you
see,
I
have
come
to
understand
that
Alcoholics,
alcoholism
is
more
socially
acceptable
from
the
suicide
we
have
in
our
country
and
in
our
world
today.
We
just
do
it
one
day
at
a
time
and
that's
what
I
will
do
it.
I
did
not
have
the
courage
to
kill
myself,
but
I
had
the
courage
to
do
it
slowly,
gradually
and
in
the
face
if
anyone
was
lost
in
it.
And
did
I
care
that
I
would
kill
you
by
drilling
my
automobile?
You
are
irrelevant
to
me.
You
are
my
problem.
You
got
in
the
way.
It
didn't
matter
to
me.
Didn't
matter
to
me
because
the
light
was
out.
Practice,
practice.
I'm
so
tired
on
the
wall
of
the
hole
in
the
ground.
And
it
said
think,
think,
think.
And
I
thought,
I'm
not
saying
an
organization
that
requires
me
to
sing
because
it
is
a
result
of
his
mind
that
I
am
as
desperate
as
I
am.
His
mind
that
had
about
18
people
talking
to
me
while
I
was
there
and
not
me
all
talking.
Being
alcoholic,
you're
not
an
alcoholic
talking
to
be
like
these
people.
You
don't
even
look
up
and
they
got
hair
under
their
arms,
out
of
their
chin,
big
belt.
How
could
you
positive
about
these
people
who
don't
look
like
they
found
out
that
you
dress
well
aggressive
immediately.
You
couldn't
possibly
be
an
alcoholic.
You
are
an
alcoholic.
I
mean,
who
cares
if
you
guys
I'd
like
to
get
out
anyway.
I
just
want
to
get
out.
You
got
to
stay
because
there's
something
here,
although
there's.
What
are
they
saying?
I
look
at
these
lips
moving
at
the
podium,
you
know,
at
a
table
there
and
these
guys
would
sit
up
there
and
do
things,
those
guys
and
their
listed
moving
and
mumble
on
the
what
the
hell
are
they
talking
about?
What
the
hell
are
they
saying?
I
try
to
listen,
you
know,
I
try
to
listen
and
every
now
and
something
would
slip
in
there
like
listed
for
the
similarities
and
maniac,
except
they're
talking.
Maybe
by
the
time
I
got
through
the
judgment,
you
know,
the
guy
was
completely
finished
his
talk
and
I
let
me
go
on
in
the
hotel
talk
to
this
other
one
similarities.
And
you
know,
and
I
just
couldn't
get
it
and
couldn't
get
it,
couldn't
get
it.
And
then
trying
to
listen,
trying
to
listen,
you
know,
finally
cut
the
conversation
and
try
to
listen.
And
I
felt
something.
I
felt
like
one,
you
know,
here
he
was
off
death
row
and
out
of
the
latest
prison
and
looked
like
he
came
out
like
criminal
peace
and
started
speaking
up
and
swear
to
God,
he
was
blowing
me
there
and
Jesus.
So,
you
know,
showering
now
because
I
was
sober
and
my
full
time
into
the
dry
finger
now
and
you
know,
my
car
along
the
rattles
and
stuff
like
that.
So
my
life
is
becoming
very
manageable
quickly.
And
what
the
hell
is
this
man?
I
can
say
I
gotta
get
out
of
here.
And
he
just
looked
up
and
I
looked
at
him
and
I
don't
know
what
happened,
but
you
know
what?
I
knew
he
was
an
alcoholic,
there's
no
doubt
about
it.
And
I
knew
I
was
an
alcoholic.
And
I
told
you,
maybe
I
can't
get
out
of
here
as
fast
as
I
thought
because
you
see,
I
was
leaving
in
a
couple
of
weeks.
I
was
just
going
to
stay
an
alcoholic
synonymous
until
I
got
my
scents
back,
until
I
could
get
back
in
the
saddle.
Because
you
see,
I
was
on
his
alcohol.
In
the
end
the
disease
is
potential
and
I
had
shown
me
I
was
dying
and
almost
killing
myself
one
day
and
the
next
time
in
a
thinking
I
got
to
get
out
of
here.
Because
as
soon
as
I
pull
myself
back
together,
I
mean
I'll
be
better
than
before
and
I'll
know
what
to
do.
I
don't
know
what
not
to
do.
I'm
learning
a
lot
of
tricks
here
and
God
I
never
knew
about
this
one.
She
was
saying
this
candy
bar
and
all.
Wow,
that
really
got
the
headache.
Oh
boy,
big
Jelly
Donuts.
But
they
would
work
now
I
could
see
how
it
was
3:00
in
the
afternoon
instead
of
a
bottle
of
Vicks
cock
syrup.
I
could
probably
have
a
jolly
done,
right?
And
because
you
see,
I
had
a
life
that
was
run
by
alcohol.
I
had
an
alcoholic
life.
I
had
a
whole
series
of
events
that
didn't
have
people,
places
and
things
in
them
unless
they
related
to
alcohol,
didn't
have
friends
that
didn't
drink.
They
didn't
have
an
apartment
that
was
conducive
to
living
and
in
the
compartment
that
was
conducive
to
drinking
in
an
alcoholic
apartment
complex.
I
mean,
you
know,
they're
all
over
the
place
and
you
can
find
them.
And
I
don't
know,
now
these
people
seem
to
come
in,
you
know,
alright,
many,
many
years
ago,
I
mean,
we
came
in,
there
was
very,
very
few
places
to
go
and
we
couldn't
just
talk
yourself
in
and
out
of
the
hospital.
You
came
in,
you
shook
it
out.
You
shook
it
out
and,
and
you
listen.
His
alcoholic
apartment
buildings,
they
were
dying
and
it
didn't
matter.
And
one
person
went
out
walking
the
pool.
Dude,
shit,
the
guy
said.
Didn't
look
any
different
then
we'll
handle
it.
I
don't
never
say
to
the
guy
upstairs
clip.
I
said
she's
like
that.
The
guys
did.
I
mean,
somebody's
done
something
to
drink.
We'll
figure
out
what
to
do
now.
That's
the
kind
of
alcoholic
that
I
want,
you
know,
the
kind
of
alcoholic
with
that
tremendous
Irish
prize,
you
know,
where
I
was
pride
to
myself.
I
can
get
home,
I
can
get
home,
I
can
get
home.
And
then,
you
know,
one
day
I
lost
the
car
and
I
couldn't
get
this
is
something
worth
it
all.
And
then
I
would
get
the
car.
I
would
get
as
far
as
the
the
garage,
you
know,
and
I
parked
the
car
progression
of
the
disease,
the
progression
of
the
thinking,
the
progression
of
the
disease
and
and
then
I
would
get
to
the
before
the
poll
on
our
path
out
here
by
the
step.
What
happened
to
that
guy?
She
never
adopted
it.
So
he
set
parts.
He
like
stepped
into
the
pool
and
none
of
us
heard
him.
It
could
be
too
drunk
and
he
was
drunk
and
he
made
that
happen.
Didn't
know.
And
I
was
like,
OK,
'cause
we're
dead.
And
so
I'm
gonna
do
the
dead
inside.
The
only
time
I
saw
any
energy,
excitement
and
love
and
could
fantasize
and
dream
was
when
I
had
a
bottle
of
Scotch
without
that
sauce
that
is
dead
inside.
And
it's
reactivated
me.
And
they
become
alive
and,
and
you
know,
then
I
would
get
to
the
pool
and,
and
then
one
night
I
went
one
morning
like
6:00
in
the
morning
since
the
sun
came
out,
and
I
would
wake
up
on
the
doorstep
and
then
I
would
wake
up
half
in
the
night.
And
I'll
tell
you
that's
what
it
was
like.
That's
what
is
lunch.
And
then
I
thought
from
him,
so
that's
OK,
because
it
was
somebody
else's
fault.
There's
always
somebody
else's
fault.
And
that
was
the
progression
of
my
disease.
So
when
I
got
here,
I
was
the
kind
of
alcoholic
that
drank
anything
that
was
brown
but
would
be
brown.
I
drink
anything
with
a
squash
presenting
with
swipe
or
drink
anything
at
all.
It
really
did
not
matter.
Drugs
did
not
match
chores.
I
did
smoke
some
marijuana
and
stuff.
I
got
completely
terminal
and
I
cried
like
crazy.
I
did
a
hair
needs
it.
I
was
right
back.
My
name
is
Jesus.
It
was
a
horrible
paranoid
producing
situation.
So
I
have
no
idea
what
all
that
drug
thing
is
about.
Don't
have
any
understanding,
don't
really
care
one
many
or
the
other.
If
you
haven't
had
enough
of
alcohol,
then
you
did
not
know
what
the
effect
is
after
either.
You
and
I
have
something
to
talk
about.
I
can
talk
about
that.
I
can
address
that
unpredictability.
I
can
address
everything
that
comes
with
that
package.
That's
all
I
know.
That's
all
I
know
about
so
here
I
know
how
to
join
alcoholic
synonymous
pouring
this
glide
and
also
I've
never
had
a
boss.
I
dragged
my
Scotch
in
a
warm
glass
and
it's
normal
glass.
I've
never
had
a
glass
of
smell
anything.
Is
it
cherry
and
toothpaste
and
olive?
Stuff
like
that
in
the
glasses,
taking
up
the
space
of
screws
off
the
whole
I
never
had
a
cold.
Take
a
chance
that
my
sister
is
my
20th
year
that
I
stopped
holding
glass,
my
little
finger
underneath.
You
know
that
alcoholic
cream
and
I
could
move
around
and
jump
over
a
vehicle
that
never
steal
a
drop
of
ice.
I
know
it's
just
not
too
long
6-8
years
ago
that
I
was
no
longer
using
that
finger
and
I
thought,
Oh
my,
how
about
that
normal
person?
I
don't
drink
it
like
I
have
to
drink
the
whole
ground.
Normal
thing
about
my
drinking.
And
I'm
sure
that
you
can
all
relate
if
you're
sitting
in
this
room
today
and
that
is
Stephen,
I
poured
that
drink.
No,
you're
not
even
done
before
I
pour
the
drink.
When
I
began
to
think
about
having
the
drink,
it
began
to
work
for
me.
You
see,
I
understand
the
disease
of
his
mind.
So
it
goes
out
and
suddenly
a
big
problem
stops.
Jumped
out
of
the
sky
into
their
arms,
flies
down
their
throats.
That
does
not
happen.
That's
nonsense.
What
happens?
You're
going
to
sit
here
in
this
meeting
and
you're
going
to
think
you'll
arrive
out
the
door
way
before
you
ever
have
a
drink.
You
will
become
drunk
and
then
you
look
at
alcohol
to
that
mind
and
you'll
be
gone
and
you're
lucky.
You'll
get
back
and
maybe
you
will
and
maybe
you
won't.
You
won't
go
back.
When
I
was
over
the
holy
ground,
they
said
to
me
essentially
the
four
things
you
have
to
do,
please
tell
me
this
in
the
1st
24
hours.
Now
I
can
tell
you
in
the
1st
24
hours.
The
fact
that
I
could
hear
was
amazing,
but
they
were
patient
and
they
waited
and
they
told
me
in
simple
statements
and
they
told
me
and
they
waited
for
me
to
like
finish.
Because
you
see,
when
I
got
here,
I
was
shaking
and
I
was
conspiring
and
I
couldn't
hold
the
cup
of
coffee.
Somebody
was
gracious
enough
to
be
tiny.
Want
to
understand
them?
The
sick,
suffering
alcoholic.
They
never
reported
this
whole
cup
of
coffee.
First
of
all,
they
never
let
us
pour
our
own
coffee
because
the
coffee
would
go
all
over
the
floor.
So
they
poured
it
for
us
and
they
poured
it
a
little
tiny
amount
so
that
when
we
shook
like
that
when
you
could
hold
on.
I
mean,
I
don't
care
how
good
you
are
when
you're
drinking
holding
that
glass,
the
minute
you
get
sober
it's
gone.
What
happened
to
them
in
fairy
you
can
just
barely
make
poor.
There's
a
tiny
drop
of
coffee,
but
I
don't
know
if
they
making
a
coffee
these
days
now.
But
as
a
result
of
the
beginning
of
my
surprise,
they
had
to
stop
fricking
coffee
for
a
number
of
years.
Actually
ripped
my
stomach
rise
out
of
my
body.
That
was
so
sick.
You
know,
if
my
mother
would
say
about
her
cup
of
tea,
you
could
stand
a
spoon
in
it
and
and
they
would
say,
I'll
drink
this
coffee.
And
it
was
never
too
hot.
It's
never
too
hot.
And
they
try
not
to
put
milk
in
it
when
we
first
got
over
because,
you
know,
we
were
sensitive
and
we
could
get
sick
easily
and
they
did
not
appreciate
it.
And
throwing
up
on
their
shoes
all
the
time.
For
the
reporters,
anything,
it's
like
coffee.
And
then
they
would
say,
now
eat
these
Jelly
Donuts.
Come
as
many
as
you
can
possibly
eat
at
1:13.
I
go
to
meetings
now,
William
Hill,
Virgin
callus
sticks
and
all
crap.
And
I
think
to
myself,
where
is
the
drunk
going
to
get
the
sugar
needed
to
survive
the
first
week
of
sobriety?
You
know,
I
don't
know
how
that
works
now,
but
I
don't
require
people
are
still
coming
to
a
a.
If
they
come
to
my
house
and
they're
drunk,
they're
getting
a
Jelly
donut.
So
I'll
have
my
Jelly
going
on
and
I
will
start
to
shake
a
little
less.
And
they
told
me
these
candy
bars
and
all
that
kind
of
stuff
that
you
have
to
do
at
the
beginning
and
all
the
newcomers
and
myself
in
this
couple
years,
if
I
survive,
he
was
running
around
going
to
doctors
with
severe
hypothye
to
kill
us.
It
didn't
kill
us.
And
they
also
told
us
we
wouldn't
die
from
lack
of
sleep.
And
and
suddenly,
before
I
knew
it,
I
was
swept
up
and
I
was
no
longer
leaving
in
two
weeks.
So
if
you're
sitting
out
there
and
you
think
it's
just
a
matter
of
time,
be
careful.
I
mean,
almost
28
years
in
a
couple
weeks.
And
you
know,
that
can
happen
to
you.
And
I
hope
it's
gone
and
hope
it
does.
They
always
say
no,
don't
fit
before
you're
a
miracle.
Not
our
miracle.
We've
had
it.
It's
your
miracle.
You
know,
clean
your
own
seats
and
after
the
things,
I
mean,
I
sat
in
the
same
chair,
you
know,
all
the
time
and
a
long
time
somebody
sat
in
my
chair.
I'll
kill
them.
I'm
going
to
go
out
there.
And
I
said
to
do
who
the
hell
is
in
my
chair?
He
said,
maybe
it's
a
newcomer.
Better
be
more
than
they
are.
They're
out
of
that
chair.
So,
you
know,
you
claim
your
place
in
Alcoholics
Anonymous,
rise
away.
And
it's
vocabulary
supplies
at
the
beginning
that
holds
you
in
good
step
for
the
rest
of
your
sobriety.
Because
I
have
gone
over
all
over
the
world
and
said
today
he
thinks
that
I
can
tell
you
there's
only
a
chair
for
me
because
I
know
how
to
claim
my
chair.
Alcoholics
Anonymous.
I'm
not
afraid
to
awkward
as
you
say,
not
afraid.
The
hell
is
begin
right
away.
The
first
thing
they
told
me
is
make
sure
that
you
put
the
cap
on
your
toothpaste.
Long
distance
and
intellect
suck
Its
mind
that
I
have
to
be
sitting
here
listening
to
these
people
telling
me
to
put
that
cap
on
my
toothpaste
and
I
couldn't
figure
it
out.
And
then
he
said,
you
know,
no.
Have
you
ever
known
a
drunk
that
did
put
the
cap
on
this?
No,
probably
not.
And
that.
And
that
was
the
beginning.
That
was
the
beginning
of
a
habit,
a
habit
of
the
bride
is
the
simplest
thing
to
go
home
as
you
know,
to
this
day,
every
single
solitary
day.
I
put
the
cap
on
the
toothache
and
it
was
in
New
York
City.
I
was
in,
I
don't
know,
somewhere
in
the
mid
teens
of
my
society
and
doing
well.
And
you
know,
on
the
car
pick
up
at
the
hotel
and
we
all
pounding
and
I
don't
know
what
it's
like
in
New
York
City
in
the
morning.
It's
not
like
you
can
just
drop
it
down
the
street
at
all
one
way
or
something.
And
I
got
into
the
back
of
the
car
and
I
sat
there
and
Oh
my
God,
it
happened
to
me.
I
realized
I
had
not
put
that
cap
on
the
Tuesday.
Can
you
imagine?
I
was
slipped
out.
I'm
the
chairman
of
a
company
and
I'm
left
out
in
the
back
seat
of
the
car.
I
said
this
guy
and
you
know,
I've
got
people
with
me
in
the
car,
you
know,
just
count
on
me.
And
I
said
turn
the
car.
Iraq.
I
don't
care
how
much
they
pay
them.
The
guy
turns
on
to
take
lady,
are
you
crazy?
You
can't,
I
said.
I
don't
care
what
the
hell
you
have
to
do.
Turns
this
car
around.
Well,
you
know,
20
minutes
later,
they
turned
it
around
and
we
went
back
and
I
jumped
out
of
that
car
and
I
flew
up
to
that
hotel
room
and
sure
enough,
I
had
left
that
cap
off
the
toothpaste.
Now,
do
you
think
I
would
have
gotten
drunk
that
day?
Absolutely
not.
But
I'll
tell
you
this,
I
would
have
broken
a
habit
of
sobriety.
I
would
have
broken
a
habit
that
developed
into
me
being
one
of
the
most
consistent
people
you're
going
to
meet.
I
am
consistent.
I
am
neat.
I
am
ordinary.
My
house
is
an
orders.
I
will
not
under
any
circumstances
and
for
any
reason
ever
not
put
the
cap
on
my
toothpaste.
It
is
a
habit
that
has
helped
me
in
good
stead.
I
will
not
throw
it
away
now.
I
will
not
throw
away
the
things
that
they
told
me
at
the
beginning.
I
will
not
throw
away
the
things
that
they
told
me
such
as
always
remember
living
lessons
EasyJet
for
the
things
first,
but
for
the
grace
of
God
there's
a
lie.
Think,
think,
think
through
that
dream.
If
you
just
want
to
stay
for
two
minutes,
maybe
you'll
make
a
phone
call
that
will
save
your
life.
1000
slogans
right
there
in
the
book.
Interestingly
enough,
I
think
they're
after
the
chance
of
the
family
afterwards
where
you're
seeing
came
from.
Live
and
let's
live,
probably
the
greatest
compassion
to
that
I
have
seen
evidenced
in
Alcoholics
Anonymous
or
has
grown
up.
We're
asking
the
growth
in
the
band,
even
in
the
times
compassion
is
in
the
houses
and
none
of
us,
none
of
us
has
called
me
to
leave
alcohol.
Phenomenal.
It's
got
an
incredible
thing
and
enjoyed
incredible
things.
I
have
learned
to
become
excited
on
the
program
of
alcohol
and
going
to
believe
in
that.
All
from
habits.
Habits.
The
habit.
Traveling
to
another
country.
And
before
I
go.
You
see,
when
I
drank,
I
knew
where
my
bottle
of
sons
was.
You
still
had
them
in
the
car
and
the
death
store.
I
hadn't
been
to
it.
So
now
when
I
go
somewhere,
if
you
think
I
don't
know
what
is
a
meeting.
I
have
a
habit
of
drunkenness.
I
have
an
equal
habit
of
surprise.
Yeah,
I
know
where
this
needs
is
all
over
the
place.
I
find
out
before
I
go.
Maybe
I'll
go.
Maybe
I
won't
go.
That's
it
to
me.
But
I
know
where
to
go.
Crashing
in
and
I
have
it
more
than
I
thought
I
could
dance.
I
was
able
to
talk.
I
don't
know
what
it's
like
for,
you
know,
you're
healthier
than
I
am,
but
it
took
me
27
years
to
cry
like
that.
It's
a
series
of
difficult.
The
ones
where
you
first
believe
if
you
cry,
you
will
in
fact
stop.
You
will
not
process.
You
can
just
cry
for
the
time
you
can
call
the
habit
of
knowing
that
is
going
to
be
around
and
learning
the
alcohol
is
known.
I
learned
here
and
doesn't
mean
you
don't
have
never,
ever
and
nothing.
Thanks
for
what?
I
haven't
talked
people
that
came
before
and
as
with
Dana,
the
people
that
come
after
me
when
I
went
into
the
room,
they
said
there's
four
things
now
I
don't
1st
24
hours
of
my
I
mean
I've
had
actually
too
heavy
with
the
guard
some
blah,
blah,
blah,
blah,
blah.
You
know,
the
little
blue
Congress
might
scare
them.
I
don't
give
a
damn.
You
see
my
job
here
and
believe
me,
over
the
years
I've
not
always
done
it
this
way.
But
my
job
at
this
podium
is
to
share
my
experience,
mine,
not
what
you
think
it
should
be,
what
it
is
for
me.
I'm
not
really
interested
in
it.
In
fact,
please
don't
debate
anything
with
me
after
the
meeting.
I
don't
care.
That's
why
you
have
sponsors.
So
that's
what
I
will
do.
It
says
in
the
big
book
that
we
do
not,
you
know,
we
do
not
apologize
for
our
call.
I
don't
apologize
for
my
God,
nor
do
I
apologize
for
myself,
who
I
am,
my
life.
I
was
listening
to
Jack
McAllen
speak
at
the
Thursday
practice
meeting
just
a
couple
of
weeks
ago.
And
he
says
for
the
1st
40
years
over
and
he
said
for
the
1st
20
something
years
of
his
sobriety,
he
said
who
am
I
and
where
am
I
going?
And
he
let
you
and
the
world
determined
that
for
him.
And
now
he
says,
I
know
who
I
am
and
I
know
where
I'm
going.
And
I
can
add
to
that
when
I
don't
know
that
I
know
where
to
go
and
find
out.
I
can
call
my
friend.
I
can
call
the
people
and
they
can
talk
to
me
in
the
language
of
the
heart
and
they
will
remind
me,
yes,
Lila,
this
is
who
you
are
and
this
is
where
you're
going.
And
I
will
say,
oh,
yes,
thank
you
for
bringing
me
back
to
this
great
reality
people
did
put.
The
great
reality
for
me
is
it
has
taken
me
a
long
time
and
if
I'm
really
lucky
it
will
take
me
the
rest
of
my
life.
But
I
am
falling
in
love
with
me.
The
more
I
love
me,
the
more
I'm
inclined
to
want
to
love
you.
Some
of
you,
I
could
not
do
that
right
now.
You're
still
nothing
or
not
interactive.
I
will
save
your
life,
but
I
don't
have
to
like
you,
I
have
been
trained
to
save
your
life
is
a
habit.
I
don't
know
how
not
to
do
it,
but
if
you're
going
to
hurt
me,
get
out
of
my
way.
An
interesting
thing,
Can
you
determine
the
difference
between
sophisticated
and
given
All
through
our
book
that
talks
about
deceiving,
deceiving,
deceiving,
receiving,
and
yet
I
hear
so
many
people
at
the
podium
talk
about
giving
and
giving
and
giving
and
giving.
And
yet
do
they
talk
about
God?
Do
they
talk
about
the
steps?
They
talk
about
how
to
do
that?
No.
And
when
I
was
20
something
years
sober,
I
thought,
what
are
you
doing?
You're
telling
me
stories
that
everybody
wants
to
hear.
For
Christ's
sake,
they
drank
their
beer.
Do
they
want
to
be
to
hear
that?
Maybe
they
like
to
hear
about
how
you
found
your
God.
Do
I
care
what
kind
of
dog
you
have?
Absolutely
no
interest.
Why?
My
experience
has
been
that
I've
gone
through
a
ton
of
them
since
I've
been
sober.
My
God
still
is
so
vast.
It's
so
big
now
must
redefine
itself.
Does
it
matter
to
me
that
you
have
a
Christian
God
or
not
Christian
God?
I
don't
care.
What
matters
is
that
we
pray.
What
matters
is
that
we
share
the
journey.
What
matters
is
that
you
respect
my
position
and
I
respect
yours.
If
I
have,
one
thing
that's
begun
to
bother
me
is
that
we
say
the
Lord's
Prayer.
Now,
why
should
that
bother
me?
Because
it's
got
nothing
to
do
with
Alcoholics
Anonymous.
For
one,
because
the
prayer
is
a
sovereignty
prayer.
For
two,
because
we
are
now
in
174
countries
and
there's
a
whole
world
out
there
called
the
Middle
East
that
needs
us
badly.
And
it
says
on
the
page
that
you
got
this,
that
we
are
a
non
denominational
and
I
am
afraid
of
any
limitations,
be
it
even
Christian.
So
when
you
say
the
serenity
prayer,
I
mean
the
North
prayer.
I
am
beginning
to
say
it
is
a
wonderful
and
beautiful
habit
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous
to
do
so.
But
I
will
say
the
Serenity
Prayer
because
nowhere
in
the
literature
has
or
have
I
read
anything
upon
the
Lord's
Prayer.
But
I
respect
the
kindness
and
the
gentleness
and
passion
of
the
people
that
didn't
know
how
to
end
their
meetings
when
there
were
no
way
to
have
a
meeting
in
no
format.
And
also
that's
what
we
will
do.
But
you
see,
we're
a
big
organization
now.
We're
all
over
the
world.
There
are
lots
of
God.
There
are
lots
of
God.
When
I
got
up
here
today
morning
is
it
early?
And
when
we
came
back
to
the
coffee,
I
saw
two
women
take
a
blanket
on
the
beach
and
put
off
all
these
things,
talking
more,
and
we
were
looking
at
them.
And
then
we
saw
the
ice
bucket
on
friends.
They
toasted
each
other
with
this
toast.
And
I'm
saying,
you
know,
I
don't
think
that's
illustrious.
And
sure
enough,
80
o'clock
in
the
morning.
Now,
a
couple
of
hours
later,
they
polished
off
that
bottle
and
I
knew
that
it
was
alcohol.
And
somebody
call
it,
you
can
tell
what
experience
it
is.
And
I
thought,
I
wonder
if
they
have
any
idea
that
3
or
400
members
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous
that
I
walked
in.
This
is
really
important
and
when
I
got
up
this
morning
I
felt
a
little
not
too
strong
again
and
and
then
lots
of
things
were
happening
and
I
did
what
I
do,
the
habit
I
have.
You
see,
when
I
have
a
physical
problem
and
an
emotional
problem,
I
know
that
if
I
address
my
spiritual
problem,
they
will
be
taken
care
of.
Ruth
has
said
he
was
king
of
fifty
1000
times.
Those
are
the
same
agents
for
all
those
years.
She
said
to
me,
there
are
no
problems.
Like
every
problem
is
a
spiritual
problem.
Thus
every
solution
is
a
spiritual
solution.
Ah,
specifically
why?
So
I
did
what
I
do
and
I've
been
doing
it
all
weekend.
I
opened
up
that
little
12:00
and
12:00
and
I
opened
Mississippi.
Before
you
have
the
physical
strength,
if
you
get
there,
you
can
stand
up.
It
would
be
alright.
I
thought
I
have
nothing
to
give.
All
the
times
I
have
spoken,
I
thought,
oh,
I
have
nothing
to
give.
But
today
I
felt
empty.
I
mean,
I
completely
felt
empty.
I
was
like,
what
can
I
possibly
share
and
I
heard
it
who
you
are
like
your
experience,
even
though
normal
format
number
of
years
you
got
off
you're
capable
of
crying,
you're
capable
of
laughing,
you
are
charming
Irish
woman.
You're
a
powerful
soul
or
person.
Share
that
there's
a
lot
from
someone
that
was
wrapped
around
a
toilet
seat
27
pumps
years
ago
unable
to
pray
Hayden
Golf
clearly
that
sink
and
reaching
up
and
coming
onto
the
blackout
saying
God
help
me
and
enraged
that
I
would
have
prayed
enraged
that
I
would
have
prayed
this
God.
But
you
see
it
doesn't
matter
because
in
a
state
of
semi
unconsciousness.
My
prayers
were
answered
and
we're
going
to
really
remarkable
story
with
a
delicate
time
but
a
remarkable
way
I
am
wrong.
It's
a
hole
in
the
ground
in
Huntington
Park
where
they
told
me
these
four
things
that
I
still
have
not
told
you.
In
case
you
want
them
what
they
want
and
they
told
me
within
the
1st
24
hours,
I
suggest
to
save
because
I
have
never
needed
anything
else
they
said
#1
You
cannot
drink
again
for
the
rest
of
your
life.
How
can
you
say
such
a
thing
to
be
wimbling,
trembling
as
a
newcomer?
I
mean
all
they
can
do
is
a
day
at
a
time.
How
you
do
it
is
a
day
at
a
time.
However,
you
cannot
drink
again
for
the
rest
of
your
life.
If
you
do
not
have
that
in
your
mind
and
you
do
not
understand
that
and
believe
that
about
yourself,
then
you
have
a
reservation
and
you
cannot
have
any
reservations
whatsoever
or
don't
even
bother
to
talk
about
or
work
this
program.
And
that's
what
it
means,
wherever
the
steps
are,
that
you
are
powerless
over
alcohol,
for
you
will
never
have
that
power
back.
I
don't
care
who
dies
this
or
what
devastation
shall
be
followed.
You
can
never
drink
again
for
the
rest
of
your
life.
If
you're
an
alcoholic
now,
maybe
you'll
stop
going
to
meetings
and
convince
yourself
you're
not.
But
if
you're
here,
that's
the
truth.
That
is
my
experience.
They
told
me
that
in
my
mind
was
saying
that's
very
nice,
I'm
out
of
here
in
10
days.
The
number
two
thing
is
that
I
have
to
go
Canadian
for
the
rest
of
my
life.
I
thought.
I
kind
of
believe
they
are
saying
that
to
him.
I
am
only
in
this
meeting
now
because
I'm
afraid
I'm
going
to
drink.
I
may
not
even
be
an
alcoholic.
I'll
sure
also
think
it's
Sunday
8th.
State
all
your
meetings
so
they're
afraid
they
might
drink.
You
know,
show
up
at
8:00
every
night,
do
all
the
stuff
they're
supposed
to
do
because
they're
afraid
they
might
have
done
for
the
rest
of
my
life.
I
said,
why
would
I
do
that?
Don't
you
get
it?
I
mean,
kind
of
like
graduating,
said,
Oh
no,
he
said.
Until
you
have
the
24
hour
memo.
I
understood
that
because
you
don't
forget
of
alcohol,
the
spirit
of
that
disease,
the
spirit
of
the
mind
of
the
alcoholic,
The
language
of
the
booms
is
so
powerful
that
it
will
begin
to
talk
to
you.
And
unless
you're
in
front
of
us,
we
will
hear
what
you
see
if
you
go
to
meetings
for
the
rest
of
your
life.
In
front
of
that
voice
will
be
the
love
and
the
care
and
the
language
of
the
host
and
alcohol
salon.
And
you
won't
hear
that
calling.
So
I
cannot
drink
again
for
the
rest
of
my
life,
even
that
eternal
disease.
And
I
have
to
go
to
meetings
again
for
the
rest
of
my
life
and
what
I
lost.
I
know
they
said
now
you
have
to
clean
house.
I'd
already
cleaned
my
house
with
a
toothbrush
and
they
claimed
inside
and
explained
all
the
ramifications
of
that.
And
if
you
knew,
don't
worry
about
that
now.
Get
yourself
a
function
and
they
will
tell
you
what
that
means
and
you
will
begin.
Sweep
away
the
pain
and
secrets
and
the
isolation
and
the
desperation
from
loneliness
and
the
sadness
and
this
won't
go
away
forever.
Fires
will
come
in
layers
and
will
tell
a
little,
will
go
deeper
and
you
can
have
from
Sunday
to
Sunday
and
by
the
time
you
have
your
Sunday
to
Sunday,
you'll
have
to
leave
in
there
and
you
will
know
hopefully
never
diminish
and
they
will
be
somebody
there
to
carry
you
from
someday.
And
they
said
you
have
to
clean
house
for
the
rest
of
your
life.
Little
did
I
know
that
I
would
welcome
that,
that
whenever
I
am
troubled
and
whenever
a
long
happens,
as
it
says,
I
must
put
all
of
that
and
shortly
and
look
at
where
am
I,
what
do
I
have
to
do?
I
said
to
general
such
a
cardiac
experience.
I'm
closing
the
door
of
my
life
and
I
knew
then
that
is
a
huge
spiritual
experience.
And
her
Celtic
Irish
humor.
She
sent
me
online.
He
is
not
a
spiritual
experience.
This
is
a
nightmare.
What
you
see
when
you're
sober
and
you
know
how
to
play
in
the
sandbox
of
AA,
you
just
hide
in
the
corner.
The
nightmares
pass.
You
know
somebody,
I
need
to
get
angry
with
them.
I'll
take
a
little
edge
off,
somebody
will
be
nice.
And
I
love
the
clean
house.
Now
I
love
to
look
at
my
part
of
it
because
my
job
is
to
do
the
fourth
thing.
So
the
first
thing
is
that
I
cannot
drink
for
the
rest
of
my
life.
The
2nd
is
that
I
must
attend
meetings
of
our
colleagues
in
office
for
the
rest
of
my
life.
The
third
is
that
I
must
clean
house
for
the
rest
of
my
life
as
depth,
of
course,
tell
me
how
to
do
that.
And
the
fourth
thing
is
that
I
must
make
room
for
God.
I
must
find
God
and
I
must
make
room
for
God
for
the
rest
of
my
life.
This
girl
did
I
know
that
it
would
be
come
the
peace
of
my
life,
my
search,
my
quest,
my
question
about
smuggle.
This
is
it.
I
know
that
I
would
spend
all
of
my
sobriety
and
God
willing,
all
of
my
remaining
sober
years
because
you
see,
I
do
not
intend
to
drink
for
the
rest
of
my
life.
How
can
I
make
such
a
statement?
Because
I
intend
to
go
to
meetings
for
the
rest
of
my
life.
Because
my
spiritual
condition
is
the
first
thing
I
address
in
the
morning
and
the
last
thing
I
address
at
night
and
between
there
just
in
case
I
have
a
problem.
Why?
I
have
the
habits
of
sobriety.
I
have
those
phone
numbers
and
I
know
where
to
sit
and
I
have
my
teeth
and
I
know
those
newcomers
and
I
can
read
that
book
and
I
can
be
here.
I
am
protected.
I
am
favor
within
the
spirit
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous.
I
get
more
power
to
Anonymous
and
the
God
that
protects
me
in
order
to
be
here
than
I
ever
did
in
the
spirit
of
Scott.
It
took
me
a
long
time
before
the
Spirit
of
God
and
the
Spirit
stop
match
each
other.
But
if
you
want
to
face
over
and
have
a
peaceful,
serene
life
and
have
a
God
and
understand
that
greatest
reality
deep
within,
then
you
will
someday
have
a
God
is
bigger
than
the
booze
you
drank,
and
you
will
not
be
afraid
again.
And
you
will
believe
in
miracles
and
you
will
expect
them.
Why
shouldn't
you?
It
was
many
years
before
I
knew
and
worked
the
steps
with
broken
Alcoholics
Anonymous
and
the
order
that
they
were
released
1212.
There
was
nothing
wrong
with
all
my
efforts
and
my
exercises
before
all
that
business
made
me
ready.
Make
me
ready.
Have
the
experience
of
practicing
my
program
Mind
Alcoholics
Anonymous.
Is
it
true?
How
are
you
today?
If
something
goes
wrong
with
me,
I
will
say
that
I
am
powerless
on
the
whatever
you
Sometimes
it's
big,
sometimes
it's
as
small
as
envy,
sometimes
it's
little,
sometimes
it's
late,
sometimes
it's
a
true
day,
sometimes
it's
an
elephant.
Whatever
it
is
when
I
found
out
that
I
could
be
powerless
over
the
smallest
insignificant
thing
I'm
part
of
over
everything.
I
spent
maybe
15/18/18
actually
years
of
my
sobriety
without
being
policy
and
I
created
all
the
things
you
need
in
life
to
make
yourself
safe.
But
I
have
both
things.
Hazel
Singh
Habulton
You
don't
have
to
be
a
missionary
in
China
to
research
or
believe.
And
I
wondered
why
I
was
dark.
I
need
to
do
that
to
find
out
it
wasn't
enough.
It
wasn't
it
off.
Thank
God
I
stayed
so
over
long
enough
to
find
out
it's
long
enough
and
that
I
had
not
been
making
room
for
God.
I
had
been
making
room
for
Lionel.
So
I
used
God
along
the
way
because
the
sensor,
great
Band-Aid
for
all
of
us
aren't
going
on
now.
I'm
tired
of
everything
and
then
the
question
is
wrong.
Nothing.
I
created
answers
for
all
those
you
good
at.
It
terrifies
me
now
that
I
might
have
an
answer.
In
fact,
if
I
give
you
an
answer,
I
can
guarantee
you
my
life
is
unmanageable
at
that
precise
moment
that
I'm
giving.
We
admitted
we
were
powerless
over
alcohol
and
that
our
lives
had
become
unmanageable
throughout
the
literature,
throughout
the
big
broken
throughout
the
12
and
12
and
stopped
talking
about
the
disease
of
alcoholism
rise
away.
It
talks
about
living
how's
it
live,
How's
it
live.
But
if
God
could
relieve
you
of
the
disease
of
algorithm
could
take
away
this
obsession
that
drove
you
for
all
those
years
and
perhaps
it's
working
with
the
problems
in
your
life
so
have
to
coach.
Perhaps
it
will.
My
experience
is
it
does
if
you
may
bloom.
It
says
clearly
clearly
in
the
sixth
step
in
the
12
and
12
you
have
to
cooperate
with
gone
now.
I
think
you're
giving
a
reprieve
in
the
first
few
years.
I
think
it
gets
you
anything
you
bloody
Wellness
to
you
can
do
anything
you
want
longer
somebody
and
they'll
tell
you
what
to
do.
You
do
exactly
what
they
tell
you.
You
know
you
have
a
question
because
they're
going
to
start
giving
you
the
love
that
they
were
given
and
it
doesn't
really
matter.
And
they'll
tell
you
what's
doing
a
lot
of
tell
you
what
to
do
so
you
won't
have
a
problem
finding
somebody.
There's
no
reason
for.
There's
a
college
on
belief.
They'll
tell
you
what
to
do.
And
that's
a
great
and
greatest
thing,
that
there
are
people
such
as
that
because
I
am
not
one
of
them.
But
I
was
leading
because
there's
nasty
people
and
I
was
one
of
those.
All
the
stuff
I
would
never
have
done,
I
have
told
people
to
do.
But
I
try
to
grow
all
of
that
now.
But
there's
a
lot
of
people
there
that
said,
we'll
tell
you
what
to
do.
And
you
have
to
do
it
because
they
will
keep
you
sober
until
you
can
find
through
the
steps
The
Walking
tree
buzzing
into
somebody
you're
working
with
and
they
haven't
mentioned
the
steps.
Go
find
somebody
else.
But
there's
somebody
that
you're
working
with
and
they
haven't
talked
about,
please
find
somebody
else.
Doesn't
matter.
It'll
all
work
out
anyway.
But
you
might
save
yourself
a
little
bit
of
time.
God,
God,
God,
God.
You
don't
tell
me
about
God
to
miss
a
very
basic
bottom
line
of
the
entire
program,
which
is
this
is
a
spiritual
program.
I
know
a
ton
of
people,
by
the
way,
that
don't
talk
about
God
and
they
have
all
their
opinions
about
going
to
read
the
black
stuff.
I
don't
understand
that
crap
about
the
black
stuff.
I
read
this
and
it
means
whatever.
I
mean,
me
just
need
that
day.
That
is
my
experience
Tuesday.
Based
on
where
I
am
today,
how
I
look
at
the
set
today,
I
can
assure
you
it's
different
than
last
week,
a
year
ago,
and
certainly
in
my
first
two
years.
So
in
the
first
year,
I
think
you
should
do
whatever
somebody
tells
you
to
do.
They'll
tell
you
the
right
thing.
They
cannot
make
a
mistake.
You
are
covered
under
the
grave
of
the
gods
of
the
Horse,
anonymous,
and
that
great
God
will
protect
you
in
your
fortune
years.
Don't
worry
about
it.
All
you
have
to
do
is
not
drink.
Go
to
meeting,
make
some
effort
to
do
what
they
tell
you
to
do
and
know
that
you're
a
woman
for
a
dog
is
bigger
than
your
Scotch.
That's
it,
you'll
be
all
alive.
I
understand
the
pin
making
people
play
golf
on
top.
That
was
so
intelligent
of
him.
My
God,
I
thought
that
is
great.
You
know,
maybe
I
could
get
him
out
in
the
tennis
court
at
least.
I'd
get
something
out
of
the
thing
too,
you
know,
you
learn
from
somebody
every
day,
every
day,
in
all
periods.
I
now
say,
I
admit
that
I
am
powerless
over
alcohol.
I
am
powerless
over
any
event
in
my
life
that
I
feel
that
I
am
not
doing
in
conjunction
with
God.
If
I
am
alone
in
that
adventure,
I
have
forgotten
my
God.
I
can
assure
you
I
will
be
rendered
close.
My
life
will
be
unmanageable.
You
know
you
get
sophisticated
along
your
shoulders.
You
don't
look
like
you
have
unmanageable
lives.
It
just
grabs
your
heart,
makes
you
feel
like
you
have
a
hard
fashion.
Nothing
invisible.
VD
you
know
your
leg
won't
move,
but
that's
OK.
Sophisticated
trouble
or
manageability?
You
pay
your
bills
all
but
you
worry
about
the
Hurricanes
going
to
wipe
your
beach
house
right
off.
The
bloody
sand
hasn't
even
come.
That's
a
manageability.
Anything
out
of
the
moment,
any
judgment
or
any
worry
for
me
is
unarmed
ability
and
I
am
powerless
over
us
all
when
it
can
happen
in
a
minute.
You
know
how
many
times
even
this
weekend,
I
have
looked
at
a
couple
of
people
and
I
thought
I
just
like
to
look
in
their
eyes.
There's
a
hostility
there.
I
am
powerless
over
that.
For
two
seconds
I
was
unmanageable.
I
was
about
to
say
something
to
them
or
give
them
a
very
look.
I
don't
even
know
who
the
hell
we
are.
They
were
distracted
with
their
own
crap.
How
do
I
know?
Oh,
like
the
way
they
looked
at
me.
I'm
20
something
years
over.
Good
thing
I'm
human.
Good
thing
I
had
the
habit
of
sobriety.
Good
thing
I
know
that
I'm
tireless
over
all
of
it.
Good
thing
I
know
that
on
the
days
when
my
fears
be,
when
so
much
has
happened
to
me
that
I'm
out
of
balance
and
a
little
bit
tired,
that
I
don't
have
to
react
with
its
eye
and
power.
Now,
you
know,
it's
no
surprise
that
the
first
step
is
the
step
of
honesty.
They
say
that
the
principle
that
exhibits
itself
from
the
first
step
is
the
step
of
honesty.
It
takes
a
very
honest
human
being,
humanitarian
alcohol,
and
that
they
can
offer
it
again
for
the
rest
of
their
life.
It
takes
a
very
honest
human
being
to
say
of
myself,
I
am
not,
but
if
I
have
my
God
together
we
can
do
it.
It
is
a
misconception
if
you
think
for
one
minute
only
in
this
grace
period
of
the
beginning
of
your
sobriety,
but
as
soon
as
you
hit
that
success,
you
better
start
cooperating.
And
I
really
big
West,
they
talk
about
God's
will
and
you're
willing,
just
willing,
just
willing.
Don't
do
anything
and
blah
blah
blah,
fine,
in
your
new
grade
period,
do
whatever
you
want,
just
don't
drink.
However,
the
day
will
come
when
you
will
realize
that
your
own
will
don't
keep
you
sober.
You
will
realize
that
is
your
will
that
brings
you
into
the
meeting.
You
will
realize
it
is
your
will
that
has
come
to
believe
and
helps
you
come
to
believe
that
apart
greater
than
yourself
will
enjoy
your
family.
You
realize
it
is
your
will
to
sit
you
in
that
chair
is
your
will
that
makes
you
want
to
be
a
volunteer.
It
is
your
will
to
put
the
coffee
out.
It
is
your
will
to
put
out
your
hand.
It
is
not
thought
coming
out
of
the
science
thing.
Sleep
out
your
hand.
It
is
your
training
habitual
will
of
sobriety.
It's
the
most
powerful
God-given
gifts
we
have
been
given
back
when
we
get
the
risk.
Represent
where
I
can
look
back
and
see
myself,
see
myself
on
the
bouncing
floor
and
see
myself
today
and
save
all
my
Lord,
myself.
I
am
nothing.
You
carried
me
until
I
could
find
the
God
that
was
comfortable
for
me.
And
when
I
discarded
those
gods
over
the
years
of
Michael
Bryant
and
you
carried
me
again.
And
when
I
argued
about
those
gods,
you
carried
me.
And
when
I
said
look
at
all
these
words
in
the
book
and
I
got
over
that
bullshit,
you
carried
me
then
too.
And
what
I
wanted
to
change
everything
you
said.
I'll
find
their
life
ahead.
You
know,
nothing
changes
in
alcohol.
It's
anonymous.
It
hasn't
changed
in
60
something
years.
It's
not
going
to
change
in
my
lifetime.
Have
a
good
time
at
the
meetings
because
nothing's
really
going
to
change.
There's
all
these
people
to
think
they
can
affect
change
and
their
Eagles
perceive
them.
But
let
me
tell
you,
ultimately,
I
don't
care
what
your
own
group
is,
who
your
sponsor
is,
or
who
they
are
at
3:00
in
the
morning,
you
will
need
a
dog.
I'm
calling
someone
an
alcoholic,
synonymous
that
will
lead
you
there,
that
will
carry
you
while
you're
looking
for
that
dog.
So
when
you
discard
your
God
and
don't
have
one,
they
will
say,
I
will
take
care
of
you
and
I
will
tell
you
what
to
do
until
you
find
that
God.
This
is
how
you
find
that
God.
You
get
everything
out
of
the
way.
How
do
I
do
that?
When
you
admit
that
you
are
powerless
over
this,
this,
this,
this
this
person.
Hey,
same
power,
money,
property,
prestige
one
by
one
that
has
to
be
powerless
over
all
of
them.
But
it
happened
in
a
suite.
No,
it
happened
over
a
27
year
plus
period
of
time.
And
it
will
happen
for
God
living
another
authority
on
them,
because
it's
going
to
be
always
ongoing.
There
were
six
huge
events
from
Sunday
to
Sunday.
I
needed
help.
It
made
me
unmanageable.
I
could
not
take
it.
I
have
come
to
believe
that
I
will
be
restored
to
lost,
to
balance,
but
eventually
I
will
get
enough
sleep
and
I
rested
this
weekend,
but
eventually
I
will
be
able
to
eat
food
again,
comfortably
alive.
That
I
will
become
physically
well,
that
I
will
get
an
emotional
basket
of
serenity
and
that
I
will
be
seriously
back
in
a
great
reality
will
come
through
me
and
I
will
feel
the
language
of
the
spirit
of
the
universe.
The
words
in
the
book
that
have
so
comforted
me
and
is
creative
intelligence
will
speak
through
you
to
me,
through
Dana,
through
a
smile,
through
Judy
walking
in
to
Phil
and
Melinda,
to
SK
and
April.
To
all
of
these
people,
Denise
and
the
gentleman
of
the
smile,
the
timeless
of
the
man
I
to
a
baby
kicking
around
on
the
floor
during
one
of
the
meetings
with
the
love
and
energy
of
the
Angel.
What
are
healed
by
that
baby?
I
was
directly
in
the
light
of
God.
How
could
I
not
have
been
here?
Said
baby
had
not
taken
it
will
yet
and
terrified
itself
it
will.
Pretty
alcoholic
family
there.
We
might
see
that,
but
there's
a
very
good
chance
we
won't.
I
have
come
to
believe
that
coming
to
meetings,
reaching
out,
making
the
phone
call,
getting
over
myself,
putting
God
first,
making
room
for
God,
that
I
will
be
sore
to.
A
sense
of
sound
is
all
I
care
about
now.
If
I'm
out
of
balance,
I
can
very
easily
go
insane.
I
have
two
choices
after
the
second
step.
It
is
no
surprise
that
it's
needed
a
second
home
to
step
up
home.
You
have
got
to
always
have
that
hopefuls.
Without
that
hope,
you
will
not
stay
sober.
You
were
given
doses
of
that
hope
in
the
first
two
years.
You
lived
on
hope.
You
lived
on
nothing
else
but
hope.
Christ
almost
died
in
the
coffee
and
the
cigarettes
in
the
doughnuts,
because
they're
on
the
old.
And
we
lived
on
the
whole,
didn't
have
hope.
You
ran
into
another
newcomer.
And
that's
what
we
give
each
other.
We
give
each
other
home.
And
then
you
come
to
believe
that
you
can
have
it
too.
And
then
you
comfortably
to
know
that
you
have
it,
and
then
you
give
it
away.
You
give
it
away.
And
that
can
happen
within
24
hours
as
you're
given
a
big
choice.
Unless
you've
got
to
understand
these
steps,
you
see
there's
a
responsibility,
then
you
can
no
longer
walk
away
and
blame
anybody
else.
Because
if
you
want
to
stay
in
that
position
of
sanity,
if
you
want
to
stay
balanced,
you
have
to
make
a
decision.
You
can
make
a
decision,
not
make
a
decision
of
start
raising
math
and
eventually
get
back
to
it.
If
you
don't
drink
or
you
can
make
a
decision
right
in
May
wait
you
go
to
the
third
step
step
of
faith
and
you
can
make
a
decision
to
turn
your
well
in
your
life
over
to
Karen
golf
as
you
understand
that
God
doesn't
matter
if
you
don't
have
one
you
somebody
else
for
fear.
I
is
huge
age
a
giant
flakes
and
you
need
to
raise
your
wings.
The
Roman
Catholics
my
own
danger
of
romantic
schools
work
for
me.
I
mean,
I
wasn't
telling
everybody
you
had
a
6th
Angel
stay
awake
for
me.
But
when
I
tell
you
I
have
one,
you
know,
a
few
years
later
I
had
to,
you
know,
dismiss
a
lot
of
the
I
still
keep
saying,
Anthony,
I
do
things
every
now
and
then
is
anybody
I
need
to
and
now
it's
my
God.
It's
God,
as
I
understand
this,
God,
all
of
it,
Jesus,
Mary,
Joseph,
Mohammed,
all
of
us,
everybody.
My
brother,
my
nephew
just
went
away.
All
of
those
people
are
there
for
me.
That's
a
very
big
amount
of
information,
all
of
them.
That's
a
lot
to
turn
your
care
over
to.
I
am
safe
then,
and
it
doesn't
require
that
I
do
anything
else
in
the
third
step,
just
make
the
decision
to
turn
it
over.
Turn
it
over.
You
know,
at
the
beginning
we
need
to
walk
on
turning
over
major
things,
minor
things,
all
kinds
of
turnovers.
Never
knew
what
the
hell
'cause
we
turned
it
over.
Turned
over
great
beliefs,
great
faith.
Only
when
I
was
about
five
or
six
years
over
does
that
begin
to
quench
your
mouth.
Then
I
spent
the
next
10
years
questioning
what
worked,
questioning
my
own
face.
Fine,
no
problem.
Led
me
to
a
great
valley
of
hope.
But
that's
life
and
then
the
great
step
of
courage
and
the
4th
step
admitted
to
God.
I
mean
of
God
made
the
same
thing
as
fear
of
moral
inventory.
Oh
my
God,
the
books,
the
ways,
the
things
take
a
yellow
town
or
write
it
down.
You're
sick
as
your
secrets.
Your
first
inventory
will
be
your
grave.
You
won't
remember
a
word.
That's
when
you're
20
years
old.
But
you
do
you
have
shouldn't
stuff
in
the
past
to
take
that
pad
and
white
blood
mask
get
it
all
out
doesn't
matter
does
it
matter
It's
an
effort.
It's
an
honest
open
willingness
to
try.
That's
all
we
care
about.
Believe
me,
over
the
years
you
if
you
stay
sober
and
have
any
time
at
all
on
a
you
will
be
presented
with
so
many
character
details
solid
stop
seeking
Twitter
us
and
dishonesty
and
examples
of
that.
You
know
who
would
think
of
dishonesty
is
to
steal
someone's
time
who
would
think
of
in
consideration
being
disrespectful
and
turning
you
back.
I
mean
you
will
go
from
the
big
huge
giant
defensive
character
into
what
the
book
calls
is
these
little
minor
things
that
are
the
offshoot
Senator
then
people
get
drunk
over.
So
yes,
you
will
have
plenty
of
time
with
the
right
people
to
work
through
this
step.
Take
your
time.
So
beginning
as
soon
as
you
can
write
out
those
secrets,
write
out
those
things.
Get
it
out
of
your
way.
Make
room
for
God,
make
room
for
God
in
the
smallest
way
and
God
will
meet
you
3000
fold.
That's
what
happened.
That's
what
happened.
And
you
take
this
little
piece
of
paper
and
you
find
somebody
and
you
break
down
the
wall
of
isolation,
the
great,
great,
great
killer
of
Alcoholics.
A
lot
of
an
isolation,
a
killer
of
alcoholic
towards
sober.
Don't
just
welcome
the
newcomer,
welcome
off,
welcome
the
old
timers.
Because
you
see,
we
die
sober
sometimes
and
we're
in
pain.
Look
at
your
hand
to
the
guy
that
says
a
long
time
still
showing
up,
taking
their
seat.
I'm
glad
there's
newcomers.
Let
me
know
why
this
is
life.
They'll
always
be
newcomers.
They're
better.
The
old
timers.
I'm
in
pink
trouble.
I
have
to
know
someones
in
front
of
me.
I
have
to
call
Chris
on
the
phone.
And
do
we
talk
about
the
problems?
No,
we
talk
about
God.
We
talk
about
our
grace,
where
we
are
to
feel.
We
talk
about
our
soul.
We
talk
about
how
it
feels
because
we
have
made
room
for
that
kind
of
conversation.
So
I
am
powerless
and
I
get
the
power
back
in
the
second
step
and
I
make
the
decision
to
ask
my
God
for
help.
And
my
God
says
fine,
I
will
help
you
make
room
for
me.
And
I
make
room
in
the
fourth
step.
And
then
so
that
when
I
can
go
back
to
my
God
and
not
to
go
with
16
volumes
of
nonsense,
I
talked
to
another
member.
They
said
this
is
precisely
your
problem.
And
I
go
to
God
and
I
say
this
is
precisely
my
problem.
I
am
entirely
ready.
How
do
I
know
now
as
my
experience
that
I
am
entirely
ready?
Because
I
accept
myself
as
a
lot
of
you
do
this
again,
this
is
who
you
are.
OK,
I
have
come
to
understand.
I
accept
myself.
The
minute
I
have
accepted
myself,
the
humility
of
the
7th
step
comes
rushing
in
like
a
razing
water.
I
cannot
tell
you.
And
immediately
I
feel
the
power
of
God.
And
immediately
I
know
because
while
I
have
opened
the
door
to
that
God
by
accepting
myself,
I
accepted
that
I
was
an
alcoholic
and
a
drunken
unconscious
stage.
Why
do
I
have
such
a
hard
time
accepting
myself
when
I'm
just
as
giant
asshole?
It's
all
so
hard
to
me
to
reconcile
them.
So
what?
I
can
do
that.
And
those
defects
have
been,
and
I
say,
yes,
they're
still
there.
I
accepted
it.
OK,
help
me.
Help
me
to
do
what?
Well,
you
know,
over
the
years
I've
had
a
year,
right?
They
helped
me
to
not
be
afraid.
Help
me
to
feel
that
I
may
not.
This
year
I
have
chosen
to
say,
help
me
to
pause
and
believe
that
I
will
be
protected.
Be
careful
what
you
ask
for
because
you
will
be
given
the
experience
that
will
solidify
every
organ
in
your
body
and
to
your
given
that
gift
of
prayer.
The
meditation
is
the
answer
to
prayers
questions.
So
this
is
exactly
what
I
did
wrong.
I
talked
to
these
people
and
this
is
will
you
help
me
and
then
God
suggests
course.
I
would
like
and
I
feel
the
peace.
However,
was
there
anybody
in
the
way
while
you're
acting
insane
out
there
and
8:00
and
9:00
come
into
view
where
I
have
to
make
an
amendment
and
address
myself.
Sometimes
it's
just
amending
my
own
thinking.
Sometimes
I
have
to
talk
to
somebody,
sometimes
I
don't.
I
say
was
there
anybody
in
the
way
while
I
today
in
my
soul
and
life
let's
havoc
in
such
case,
I
recommend
that
and
then
I'm
back
to
the
staying
sober
one
day
at
a
time
step
on
back
to
10.
I
continue
to
take
personal
inventory
and
stop
myself
because
I'm
well
enough
to
do
that
now
you
see
I
was
powerless
over
the
incidents
I've
been
given
back
the
power
and
two
I
made
a
decision
to
hold
on
to
that
power.
I
cleared
the
way
I
work
with
an
alcohol
to
sure
I
was
being
honest
with
myself.
I
said
God,
this
is
what
I
have
done.
Will
you
help
me.
I
have
cleared
the
path
and
apologizes
amended
my
behavior
and
now
I
am
back
to
10.
Here
I
am
today.
Will
you
help
me
today?
And
God,
of
course,
my
God.
Take
a
breath
Lila,
and
you
will
know
I
am
there.
It
is
not
a
true
Well,
again,
you
can
breathe
and
when
you
breathe,
I
am
your
breath.
And
I
can
pray
and
I
can
meditate.
And
how
do
I
pray?
So
I
get
up
in
the
morning
and
I'm
just
grateful
to
be
alive.
And
I
say
something
and
during
the
day
I
catch
myself
and
I
just
address
it.
That
is
nice.
The
greatest
night
when
the
spiritual
universe
is
at
its
busiest,
I
think,
and
I
go
to
sleep.
I
write,
Dear
Great
Spirit,
it
is
September,
whatever
it
is,
12/19/97
These
are
my
questions.
What
do
I
do
about
my
mother?
What
do
I
do
about
the
redirected
pain
of
my
brother?
What
do
I
do
about
during
surgery?
What
do
I
do
about
market
cancer?
What
do
I
do
about
Tony's
death?
What
do
I
do
about
this?
What
do
I
do
about
that?
How
do
I
handle
this?
What
do
I
do
about
the
fact
that
I
left
a
dresser
online?
Do
I
talk
to
them?
Should
I
don't
spend
where,
how,
and
why?
Thank
you
for
my
sobriety.
Help
me
to
maintain
it.
I
need
and
love
you,
Lila.
I
take
that
piece
of
paper
and
I'm
Polish
in
the
trash
and
I
sleep
like
a
baby
most
of
the
time.
Sometimes
around
4:00
in
the
morning
I
take
it
also,
but
that's
OK.
I
have
the
habit
of
recovery
and
the
habit
of
the
I
can
write
it
all
and
do
it
again.
And
you
know,
many
times
through
you,
through
the
newspaper,
through
a
person,
through
a
phone
call,
through
life
to
breathing
it
now
to
showing
up
and
doing
the
next
indicated
thing.
Because
I
am
a
solo
person
that
is
in
the
habit
of
doing
such.
I
will
get
the
answer.
Somebody
will
come
right
away
and
say,
Oh
yes,
Jerry's
back
is
fine.
Matthew,
whatever.
Your
mother
now
on
past.
The
house
will
be
different
when
you
see
it
the
next
time.
All
the
answers
will
be
present.
Dating
will
give
me
a
basket
of
delights.
Me,
do
you
understand?
I
have
asked
and
I
receive.
I
have
made
room
for
God.
Little
did
I
know
in
making
room
for
God
that
I
would
receive
so
much.
And
then
it
says
that
having
had
a
spiritual
awakening
as
a
result
of
watch
of
the
process,
The
process
of
admitting
that
I
am
powerless,
that
has
made
me
unmanageable.
That
I
want
that
power
back.
That
I
would
like
to
be
restored
to
balance.
Making
a
decision
that
that
is
more
important
to
me
than
anything
else.
Getting
rid
of
focus
in
the
way
and
looking
at
that,
asking
another
person
if
I
have
been
as
honest
as
I
possibly
can
be
so
involved.
This
is
one
I
have
found
out.
Will
you
help
me?
My
bumper
can
help
me
on
7.
Honey,
it's
got
to
be
gone.
Who's
in
the
way?
Have
I
heard
them?
I'm
back
to
The
Walking
around
step.
I'm
kind.
What
do
I
need
to
do
now?
What
questions
do
I
have
left
about
what
disturbs
my
day?
My
day
make
room
to
the
answer.
I
have
had
a
spiritual
awakening.
I
don't
know
about
you,
but
I
can
do
this
death
in
about
2
1/2
seconds
anytime
I
want
to
during
the
day
I
can
activate
this
spiritual
awakening
I
did
before
I
got
up
to
this
podium
I
was
proud
of.
So
for
all
of
you
100
minds
myself
attached,
I
asked
for
that
power.
I
had
to
make
a
decision
that
whatever
is
wrong
by
the
channel
forgotten.
This
is
my
job.
This
is
my
job
because
I
made
a
commitment
to
have
it
a
sobriety
that
I
would
do
this.
I
could
look
at
my
own
little
crap.
There
was
no
way
that
I
wouldn't
give
a
hospital
talk
capable
of
it.
I
have
some
good
friends
that
I
was
able
to
talk
to
so
they
could
keep
me
comforted
until
I
got
up
here.
I
accepted
myself
within
a
short
order
of
thing
up
here
as
being
so
different
and
so
much
more
than
when
I
was
on
the
bathroom
floor.
And
the
minute
I
did
that,
I
could
feel
it.
I
could
feel
that
energy
come
in
me.
I
could
reach
out
and
practically
sense
the
tangibility
of
who's
around
you.
I
don't
know
if
you
can
see
them,
but
they're
there.
I
am
surrounded
by
God.
I
am
surrounded
by
those
that
have
gone
on.
I
am
surrounded
by
my
brother
and
my
nephew
and
all
of
them.
Why
I
even
have
James
grandmother
show
up
every
now
and
then.
I
need
all
the
Irish
people
I
can
get.
Is
that
your
belief?
Doesn't
matter.
Will
it
be
my
belief
on
Monday
morning?
Don't
know.
I
haven't
lived
today
yet.
It's
only
halfway
through.
Is
that
a
spiritual
awakening?
To
be
aware
that
you
have
a
whole
day?
I
can
do
a
lifetime
from
Sunday
to
Sunday.
I
can
sure
do
a
Sunday
afternoon.
That
is
a
surgeon
awakening
that
you
are
sitting
here
as
an
A,
a
convention.
You
ended
up
in
the
stuff
in
the
60s
as
you
were
last
night.
I'm
up
to
say
if
I
were
to
give
prizes,
the
men
would
win
hands
down.
They
were
great.
They
were
great
with
the
fest
and
the
whole
thing
and
fantastic.
I
found
out
there
enjoyed
everybody,
everyone
that
is
a
spiritual
awareness.
Being
able
to
breathe
is
a
spiritual
awakening.
Being
able
to
take
the
book
and
say
heal
me
to
the
spiritual
awakening,
having
Dana
give
me
a
back
run
the
rest
spiritual
awakening,
being
alive,
being
breathing,
spiritual
awakening.
Sitting
in
your
chair
this
morning
is
a
promote
profound
miracle.
You're
going
to
have
a
whole
lot
and
you
haven't
even
finished
today.
Can
you
imagine?
Can
you
imagine
what
the
store
for
you?
If
you
want
to
share
your
experience,
strength
and
hope,
then
you
will
be
given
experience,
strength
and
hope
to
share
in
the
programs
Alcoholics
Anonymous.
And
in
that
experience
you
will
be
giving
everything
that
life
has
to
offer.
And
if
you
don't
drink
and
you
go
to
meeting
and
you
clean
house
and
you
make
room
for
God,
you
will
never
be
given
more
than
you
can
handle.
The
greatest
God
will
never
take
you
and
the
grace
of
God
will
not
keep
you.
It
is
a
promise.
So
it
is
my
dawn
to
carry
this
message
to
alcohol.
What
message
is
Sam?
My
message,
My
message
that
I'm
still
here,
that
I'm
still
trying,
that
I'm
still
looking.
Said
I
still
expect
more.
So
I'm
grateful
to
be
alive.
That
I
could
cry.
That
I
could
be
so
grateful
that
I
can't
even
imagine
how
long
my
life
is.
That
I'm
less
afraid
now
than
I
was
when
I
saw
this
my
message.
But
the
only
way
I
know
to
live
now
to
the
steps
of
the
program
Downhall
Tsunami.
But
for
the
years
that
I
had
these
habits
of
sobriety
where
I
had
my
teeth
and
I
went
to
meetings
through
this
regularly
and
I
read
the
book
and
I
reached
out
and
I
talked
to
people
on
the
phone.
I
was
all
those
things,
all
those
things
I
now
and
have
practiced,
practice
in
the
membership.
I
don't
know
what
that's
how
you
work
with
them.
I
practice
them.
I
practice
and
I
practice
them
all
the
time.
I'll
be
practicing
then
for
the
rest
of
my
life.
That
is
my
message.
My
message
is
if
you
find
yourself
a
sponsor
and
someone
to
talk
to
and
another
somebody
along
the
way,
discuss
within
a
reasonable
period
of
time
of
your
sobriety
so
you
can
struggle
through
this
together.
Start
working
on
those
things.
Start
working
on
it
right
now.
There's
no
way
to
do
them
wrong.
Can't
do
them
wrong.
It's
absolutely
impossible.
So
it
doesn't
really
matter.
Don't
look
saw
now
call
us
on
to
help
you
through
the
chances
already
to
self
access.
Come
for
a
regular
hard
working
guy,
Look
for
a
woman,
look
for
someone
who's
going
to
meetings,
look
for
the
regular
Joe
sitting
next
to
you.
I
can
tell
you
right
now
that
if
you
reach
your
hand
to
the
person
next
to
you,
they
can
take
you
through
the
steps.
It
is
not
a
big,
huge
intellectual
experience.
It
is
a
willingness
to
admit
that
your
power,
a
hope
that
God
will
come
in
and
give
you
more
and
decision
to
work
with
that
God.
A
willingness
to
take
an
inventory,
work
it
out
with
somebody
else.
Accept
who
you
are,
and
stop
living
in
the
misery
of
your
life
and
in
the
love
and
the
care
and
the
gentleness
that
Alcoholics
Anonymous
teaches.
Keep
up
this
misery.
Crown
right
after
his
pain
at
the
touchstone
of
all
humility
later
on.
It
says
you
do
not
have
to
be
in
pain
in
order
to
have
a
full
life.
You
do
not
have
to
have
these
miserable
things.
You
can
only
stay
as
long
as
you
want
to.
The
staff
will
take
you
out
of
your
pain,
will
take
you
into
compassion,
will
take
you
out
of
your
hurt,
and
will
take
you
into
gratitude.
Thank
you
for
not
having
God
leads
you
directly
into
the
arms
of
God.
It
will
take
your
feeling
alone.
And
if
you
feel
like
you
have
one
other
person
and
now
one
other
person
in
Alcoholics
Anonymous
will
become
two
other
people,
three
other
people,
and
you'll
never
be
alone
again.
Thank
you.