Line G. from Rancho Santa Fe at San Diego August 22nd 1999

Introduce our main speaker, Lynn for Rancho Santa Fe.

Good evening. My name is Lynn and I am an alcoholic and I've had something in my throat for about two days, so I hope it won't prevent us from enjoying the meeting tonight. I have some new calendars and some water, and I would like to thank Pat for inviting me

and all of you for making me feel so welcome. Many of you have heard me more than once, and I thank you for patiently listening tonight while I will be addressing the newcomers. And Jim, I think you did a marvelous job. 5 minutes is so difficult. It takes 2 minutes to warm up, one minute to exist, and you're supposed to talk about what it was like, what happened, and how it is today

and you said it all. Thank you very much.

I want to warn you that

the last minute, Marcelo, thank you. The last meeting where I spoke Saturday night,

Charles, who is here tonight, was leading the meeting

and in his closing statement he said, oh, I forgot to spend the speaker.

We will see tonight if I inspire the same sentiment.

It's child who's a willing horse who needs not be spurred on.

Oh goodness,

those of you are new, welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous. We are not the gloom lot and we love to laugh, although we are talking about a serious deadly disease.

We love to laugh and we want to love one another and we want to get close to one another. And you have no idea that you are the luckiest people in the world to be here tonight with us. And this is a pretty classy joint. I don't know where you've done your last couple of years of drinking, but I bet that this is a step up for most of you.

If you were looking for inferior companion, you have found all of us. We are here,

come with us and you may not believe that someone who looks like me tonight might possibly be an alcoholic. However, I will tell you a little story that should erase all doubts.

I was sober for a few years in my office, feeling very good about myself, looking out the window, and there is this young handsome man who passed by and blink at me. And so I went back

and as human, etc. He came back, opened the door and said, hi, do you recognize me? And I said, oh, from the gym. He said no. I said real estate. He said no Bill Wilson. He said no, Lynn, you came with me to my classes at Palomar College. Now, I don't recall ever going to Palomar College,

and he said you came with me to drink margaritas at Vaza Bel Mundo, and although it rained, we have my sunroof open because you thought it was romantic.

Oh,

he added.

You make some mean omelets.

You said, Liz, are you alone here? And I said yes, he said you slept with me. Oh,

how interesting.

What was your name again?

Now, I am not proud of the things that I did when I was drinking, but I'm grateful for them because they brought me to you in Alcoholics Anonymous. But you see, this is the way that I drank as hard as I could, as often as I could, and as fast as I could. I needed to drink and this gentleman with so much because I did not remember,

were selling me that I had had at least three days with him during the day and I had no recollection

since I was 345 years old. I was riddled with fear. I was extremely self-conscious. I knew you would not like me. I knew you would not want me. I was afraid of my father. I was afraid of my mother. I was afraid of the dark. I was afraid of being alone.

I was terrified. I had nightmares,

I could not make friends, I feel that I did not belong. I felt so different in size. And you all seem to to know what to say, to know what to do, to have fun together. And I did not know how to join the circle. I did not know how to do that and it was very painful.

And when I was about 13 years old I went to this party and I bought 6 beers the first time I think I drank and this was the answer to my problem. All my feelings, they all went away and it was warm and my gut here where I live and I could be jolly. I was with you. We held each other by their shoulders and we thank and it was wonderful and I blacked out. I went to get my 6th and last

he told me my girlfriend Susan Drake. My dear. I found Susan and I slapped her in the face.

Now this is not social drinking,

this is already how important alcohol was to me, the answer to my problem. Then I thought, well, if only I had a good education then I could be happy. So I proceeded to obtaining a license to practice law and I drink more.

I thought well I need to go to California then I could be happy I came here, didn't have to work, and had all the time to drink even more. Then I thought, if only I had a young, handsome, rich boyfriend, then I could be happy. I found him and we drank together.

Sir. My thought if only I had a cleaning lady, then I could be happy.

And I got a cleaning lady and while supervising her work, I drank.

I drank because I am an alcoholic. My outside circumstances are irrelevant.

I train because I am an alcoholic and what makes me different than a normal person is that I cannot have one or two drinks. Once I start to drink, I have to finish my drunk. It's beyond my human power to stop drinking and I don't know why this relationship with this gentleman did not workout except that I sat with his best friend

and I hope to never again see

so much pain and hurt in someone eyes because I've caused it.

I did not like his best friend. I was simply drunk enough that night

and I spent a nice in this new department and at 6:00 there was a knock on the door.

There was a knock down on the floor and I put that on and we opened the door and it was his girlfriend,

who happen to be my boyfriend's secretary.

It's amazing how quickly I can create so much havoc.

I was one of those bad things that happens to good people

very quickly.

And three or four days later I got a call from this lady that it was time for me to come and pick up my stuff which had been put in trash bag. And I put those in my car and these were all my worldly belongings.

At that point, I knew that although I had a great education, I was emotionally unemployable because of the react, and I had accepted that.

I knew that there was not a man in whom I could be possibly interested in would ever marry me because of the We Are Drake, and I had accepted that. I knew that although I wanted children, I could not have them because of the way I drank and I had accepted that not to drink was simply inconceivable.

I live for the next time I could numb those feelings. The self loading, the low self esteem, the lack of self worth does not knowing how to live, the not knowing how to be your friend. How to make a phone call and set up an appointment with a girlfriend. How to have a decent conversation? How to have friends at home without my being drawn first or have attending a party without being drunk first.

I did not know how to live and the only times when I ever felt comfortable or at peace was when I was drunk

not to drink wasn't comfortable and so our entity ruling is easy. Two-bedroom apartment.

I slept on the floor in a sleeping bag and my clothes were on the floor and I was dying.

I did not know what to do. I had given life my very best shot

and I was 27 years old and I was sleeping on the floor alone. I was estranged for my family, I had lost my friends, and I did not know what was wrong with me.

I wanted to win that men's heart bag because I did nothing. I could live without a man, without someone to keep a lid on me, make decisions for myself. And I had learned how to scrape Mexican tiles. And this is in this beautiful home where we live. We had three rooms of beautiful tiles. And I told him that we did that for him free. And so I drove my car there and I worked that first day. And that night I slept in my car

literally because it was more comfortable than my floor,

very simple. And I had my jug of vodka and I drank some of it in the morning. And I rang the bell and good morning and, and I got on my knees to scrape so style. And meanwhile they were having a party that afternoon. There was a tennis court in the backyard and so forth. And my friend were coming to the party. And those friends I had over to my house for dinner,

but I was not invited to that party. I was on my knees scrubbing and they were saying Highlands, passing me by and going to the tennis courts in the backyard.

I can tell you how I felt, but I think that, you know,

you know, when alcohol takes us

and the parties was over

and that man took me on the floor.

And this was a man who had loved me.

And while he was having sex with me, I looked up and I realized that he was trying not to touch me.

And this was a dagger through my heart,

right through my soul.

It was not so much an intellectual understanding of who I was for the feeling

of feeling that I was worse than worth less.

That afternoon I left that house because you told me to. I saw by a liquor store and I bought two small bottles which I gazelles and I drove home to drink some more

all throughout the weekend. But I could not get drunk somehow. And on Monday morning I reached for the battle of vodka and it couldn't stay down. So I had a beer to settle my nerves a little bit. And by 10:00 I called Alcoholics Anonymous and the man said, oh, you would like to stop drinking. I said Oh no, no, no, no, no. I just want to learn how to have five or six and then stop because it's after that I get into all this trouble,

he said. Well, when you're ready to stop drinking, call us back. And he hung up

and I saw myself in that dirty purple bathrobe. Would that have the beer?

And I have nowhere else to go. And there was a strong, firm voice

it might hear that said, Liam, this is it for you. There is nothing left in this for you. This is over. And by 1:00, I call back Alcoholics Anonymous. Now you see, I can never ever take credit for my sobriety because that morning on June 21st, 1982 when I called AAI told them I didn't want to stop drinking.

I never prayed for it, I never imagined it and reasoned it hopefully tried for it. I did not want to stop drinking and by 1:00 I had had my last drink.

This is a gift

and when I called back he said this lady from your area will call you back and she did and we talked a while. I have no recollection of what was said except

she said would you like to go somewhere? And I said, Oh yes, I'm a traveler. I love going places. And I thought I would be taken to the Lacosta Spa. I would send the bill to my ex who as well. So yeah, I didn't think that would be any problem. And she said pack a few clothes and my husband and I will pick you up in a few minutes.

They picked me up and they took me to Deepak downtown.

I was disappointed.

However, the miracle of Alcoholics Anonymous began. Sad day for me. The counselor gave me the 20 questions. How does the optic assist much more difficult than this will be any problem at all?

And in fact, I did give 17 right the first time.

And you said you are an alcoholic. I said I know,

he said, no kidding, you really are an alcoholic. I said I know, he said. What is so funny about this?

And I said, well finally someone tells me what is wrong with me.

I have blended myself a lot worse things than being an alcoholic. And you are telling me that there are other people like me who have done those shameful things, who have drank the weighted I did, and that they have found a way to be happy and sober. Now, to be sober is one thing, but to be happy and sober was uncomfortable to me.

And he said as long as I was willing to follow the simple suggestions like that in the Big Book of Alcoholic Anonymous, that I could be happy and sober too.

Well, this was the greatest news I had heard in a long, long time, A long time. And so I stayed in detox for 10 days. Then I went to a recovery house for Alcoholic Woman. And I'll tell you, I had a lot of problems,

all these fears since I was little and all these defects. And they told me that I had to be honest. Well, the truth will make you free, but first it will make you very miserable.

So we have to find out what were those emotional blocks which prevented me to be comfortable enough to be sober. And this big book does not promises that things will always be perfect and wonderful,

but what it tells me is that depending upon the spiritual condition, I will always be comfortable enough not to have to drink.

And as far as my concern, I'm concerned. This is my job to nurture my stability. Is my responsibility the same as the flowers that I grow? No matter how much my higher power wants for my flowers to grow, unless I wash them daily, they will go away and die. No matter how much my higher power wants for me to be sober,

unless I nurture my sobriety on a daily basis, I will wither away and die alone and I never ever want to drink again. And if you are new and you never want to drink again,

you don't have to. It says rarely have we seen the person fail. So the odds are as good as they get. And they ask Bill Wilson, why didn't you say never have we seen? And Bill said, well, we knew who we were talking to. And if we said never have we seen those in the back row, right away we say, we'll show you one. So we put rarely

for those who have thoroughly followed the path and the thoroughly that's my job.

And tonight, each and everyone of us is doing the absolutely most important thing that we can do in our lives today and it's to water our sobriety garden. So today we can be comfortable enough not to have to drink. And I will share with you that to be comfortable enough not to have to drink has been a minimum. Most days are joyful and happy.

And it's been a tremendous adventure. And if you are new, please embark upon it with us.

We have this divine Creator who's made this wonderful alcoholic roller coaster just for us. And it's solid and it's well ordered and it's well designed and it is safe and it is secure. Get on this with us.

It's just horrendous. We can live where we can be happy, we can live with our fear and it can be warm in our gut here where we live warm and comfortable with our fellow men. And the emotional block which needs to be removed, need to be removed relatively quickly. And it's not easy.

I've just been going through this period in the last few months where I've had to let go of some of my defects and it's like passing furballs.

Have you ever seen a calf passing a fur ball?

It goes like this

and I was thinking this gorgeous man and I have the weakness for bad boys,

Weakness, all bad boys. And I complained that they're not loving and compassionate.

I'm a lover. What can I say? I love her. Quickly,

deeply, briefly

and often.

The bad boys.

And so this one, this particular evening observed me having one of my tensions

and he said you're out of control. Now. No one is ever, ever confronted me with my pantries and they are my friends since I was a little girl. If I don't get my way, I throw attention and you either give it to me or you get defensive or you attack back. Then I'll have some ammunition to play with. But if someone says nothing, the pie is thrown right back into my face.

And so thank goodness I was going through Georgia, that workshop for which I am so grateful. And, and it's one of the sad thing if you live in San Diego

that you don't get to come up Anthony, there's a north county to attend to. Her step works up and she's here with us tonight. She's our little Angel. We call her. And if anyone of you really wants to get to those steps, it usually starts in January and it's on every Monday of the week

for two hours and 15 minutes. And you get through all those steps and it is an absolute blessing. And although I've been sober for 17 years, watering my garden daily for 17 years, I have learned so much. And the timing was perfect. And so I had to give up those defects and make amends for my defects. And once we pass that, of course, there is the elation period.

The books that I have read it said that God will exalt the humble and humble, the exalted. And so I was being humbled for a while and I couldn't wait for the pendulum to swing back. And now I'm feeling elated and life goes on and it's wonderful. So it's to not be so afraid about getting rid of those emotional blocks that we live in slavery to them and have to be unhappy. And what happens with me, and I believe is the same for all of us, is

when one of my defects rear its ugly heads. They all come out like warmth after the rain. See, for me to be angry means I have to be judgmental, critical, sufficient, self-centered, warning it my way. Here I am creating havoc again with a 2 minute tantrum. And to tell you the truth, I don't want to do that anymore. I'm practicing right now as loving everyone

and I'm at peace. People greet me, I feel loved and acceptance of them and therefore I can feel loved and accepted as well.

It has to start with me. So love one another. There is no time anymore for resentment and walls and distance between. A slot is too short. Let's just love one another and we have the tools to do that. Here. We are taught, we teach each other how to love one another,

and once we have these character defects removed, then we do those inventory and we look at our days constructively. This wonderful big book here. If you don't have one yet, please do not leave the meeting tonight without it. And I'll tell you a little secret, those of you who are on your own, page 86. It tells us every night when we do upon retirement, and it's very simple,

where we resentful, we're resilient, dishonest, and it takes about 5 minutes,

well, maybe 30 on the bad day.

But we look at it and we keep our place clean. And on awakening, we'll look at our day and if we have an indecision, we pause. Pause.

Are you natural, Father?

Let's go to see you wanna. Of course.

Let's get into another relationship. Sure, I'll have a day,

just not worried about anything useful of life. We are full of adventure

and this in a way helps us to be moderate a little bit. And something else that helps us be moderate is prayer and meditation. We are now there is something very disappointing in the big book about praying and it's that we cannot pray for selfish things.

However,

and that's when if you knew and you don't have a sponsor, it's time to get one because I'm a sponsor and I know secrets. And all the sponsors here tonight, they know secrets, little shortcuts.

And so this particular time I wanted a new motorcycle. As to what I did is I asked a girlfriend of mine to pray that I get the motherfucker

and I got it.

Fire is very powerful.

Last year I was at this job managing a real estate office with 14 employees and I was not suited for it and I was getting paranoid with the people being mad at me and unhappy and I did not feel loved and wanted and accepted that for sure. And on Thursday, I was at one of my meetings and I shared that with the lady and she said,

oh, in your prayers tonight as God to show you how to make these people comfortable with you. So how that's a neat idea. I did that and the next day I was terminated.

So I called her

and I said I don't like your players, but I need another one.

She said. Well, pray for the perfect job and the patience to wait for it.

That same week, that Wednesday, there was a message on my answering machine. Lynn, this is violin with legal staff and you have not been registered with us for a long time. And I know you have a good job, but I have this opportunity and I thought I'd let you know. Now Wednesday that meant nothing, but Friday I had a different attitude about it. Would you know this was last November and this is now my job and I love my job and if it had been presented to me

before I tried it, I would have turned it down. But I began working for the company and something else came up and it suits me perfectly on the legal secretary, which I've never done before, and on the floater and I am a floater. This is my life. I do it as place. I had a hard time having a Home group for more than three years because then I take a break and I go back again and I change sponsor after a few years and I change from 1:00

and then I think another a little while later and and that work is the same thing. I replaced those who are have sent on vacation and it's by being the mistress to the secretaries. Otherwise, see I never hang out long enough for them to figure out my defects. By the time I come back we have been missed.

They always nice to me because they need my favors and my services. How do we so? This is just wonderful. All that because of a phone call that came two days before I was terminated from a job where I was so uncomfortable. And this is the roller coaster and the divine order that I was referring to earlier. There are no mistakes here.

Everything happens for a reason.

And another little prayer that I've enjoyed. I love cats and I had two and ones that appeared and there were two breeds in which I was interested and I couldn't decide. And so I bought both. And on the Wednesday night after my little episode, I prayed to God and I said, oh, I hope it's OK from Bob. Too expensive cat. And that was the week I was terminated as well.

And the next morning I'm on my way to work. And the bumper sticker.

The license plate in front of me said 2 is fine.

Now, Georgia, I would say no, no, no, Lynn.

And prayer is a lot of fun.

Meditation is another ball game altogether.

It's still difficult. See, we are busy up here. This is a busy place

and the difference there for all those years and it's just waiting for me to slow down, to stop calling my sponsor, to not have commitments anymore, to slow down on my meetings, not to say my prayers anymore. It's just waiting to catch up with me

and it's my responsibility to remain vigilant and diligent and to continue to do that daily. If there is one thing that I can lose live you with tonight would be what ability is that you do with your own personal program? Do it daily.

The meetings you attended last week, the steps you will be taking next week have nothing to do with today.

Today you must maintain your society and if we do that, we get to stay sober. It is so simple and it's sad when we see our friends just slipping, slipping away. They don't hear us anymore and it's too late. There is nothing that we can see or do,

we are just leaving. So if you are new, especially that first year, they are really close to us. So you have a short leash

and I do still go astray on a regular basis, but not very far and not very long because I'm amongst you and I'm being yanked back always safely and soon enough. And this meditation helps calming my thoughts.

When I first began, of course, good little alcoholic about local meditation, I studied it and I made a little altar against the wall and I have religious images on the wall and candles and burning infants. And my father had said 20 minutes so would get some timer there. 20 minutes.

I close my eyes and my legs crossed and I sat down and then I heard the dog bark out in the street. Then I began to worry about how I would pay my rent at the end of the month, which was three weeks 10. Then I heard the humming in the refrigerator and I thought that the ice cream I would have afterwards.

Then my shoulder started to itch. But you can't move.

Then I began to rehearse what I would say to Batman, towards whom I had a horrendous resentment. And next time I saw him. And then lo and behold, my leg is going numb

and I opened my eye and it had been a minute and 1/2.

It's getting better,

but often it's still uncomfortable. And we talk about we are undisciplined

and those few simple suggestions in the big books help us becoming more disciplined. And so no matter what, I do it in the morning, I do it at night, I go to lots of meetings, I sponsor. I always have a good commitment there. There are things that I always do in the morning when I wake up. You know when your head is on the pillow and you roll it like this and you start opening an eye and I'm beginning to recite the first step prior of the 7th step prior

and the serenity prayer

to push that monkey behind me because it wakes up with me.

I don't even think it's sleep. I think it's at the end of the bed waiting for me to open my eyes. So I have to be before it. I have to be ready and tackle that day. When we talked about loving one another and loving everyone at work on the Occupy several floors and on one of them there are three secretaries who are not

liked by the other secretaries because they criticize the report. They backstabbed their root disrespectful, very very difficult.

In fact, I would go in their area and I can feel the temperature drop and now the warm water fish on sensitive and

I had decided to try something and I believe now that this was divinely inspired. At night I began praying for all three of them. Actually it was from Georgia step workshop because she told us to pick people to pray for at night and I chose those three and I asked for God to provide them with happiness,

peace and joy. And with denote 10 days into this, I was given an assignment among the perennials

for two weeks and I finished Friday. And the 3rd or 4th day into this experiment,

another secretary came to me and said, so how is your experience on the 5th floor?

I said, it is so joyful and peaceful. I'm having a wonderful time. She looked surprised and she said, why are you going to change our reputation? And I finished my two weeks feeling love and harmony with these three ladies. And the temperature was as warm as I wanted to make it. It was not about them,

although I had a lot of evidence to the contrary.

The power of prayer. I no longer want to entertain negative, mean, destructive thoughts about people. It's not that I never do it again, but I don't want to, and I don't seem to indulge in as merely as often as.

Also, I'm much more aware when someone else is indulging in negative talk about another and they no longer have my support because I am not interested

to love one another. Alcoholics like us who are so self-centered, how can we? And we're so fearful with sensitive, afraid of not being wanted and somehow we can conquer that and love one another and be open. So what if we get hurt a little bit so wet we get back up and we just do it again

prior and meditation. And of course, we try to carry the message and that's why we're here tonight.

And although going to meetings is a vital part of my program, because I look at this as though I had a kidney disease

and I have to go to the hospital three or four times a week to have my kidneys die alive for an hour or so, otherwise I will poison myself and die. So I come to these meetings to have my thoughts and my feelings die alive, otherwise I will poison myself and die. So going to meetings is absolutely vital, but it is also a very small part of my program.

It's only half of the 12 steps where we carry the message. There are 11 1/2 other steps to do. And if you see us here tonight and you do it, we seem so grateful and it seems so easy. Don't be fooled. This is like the sign on the lake, the swan who's so grateful and glides apparently without effort, and so beautiful.

If only you saw the little feet underneath the water going like this.

These are the 11 and 1/2 hour steps that we do

alone in the closet. And if I speak as though I'm the only one doing this, No, no. Otherwise you would not be here tonight either.

We're all doing our homework

and why not take a little bit of credit for this, for goodness sake, not to face it away from our higher power.

But without my willingness

to call another alcoholic, to drive all the way to San Diego to be, to get on my knees every night and write in my journal, to pray for these people and look at my day, my higher power could not provide me with contented mobility. My sobriety is a result of taking these steps

and we can do all kinds of stuff. 12 steps forward. In fact, I remember a few months ago, this is a weeknight, it's 11:30. I get a call from central office. Then we have Eileen here on the phone for you and she's drunk and she needs help.

And so I called Hylene and she said the hi. I said hi, this is Lynn, I'm calling you back. How are you?

Well, not too good. I lost my job last week and I've been at the funeral all weekend and you could hear the eyes and she was nothing too good of a shake. And I said, well, I can understand. Sometimes things in life are pretty tragic and it's difficult. And then I wanted to establish a relationship with her.

I said, so are you single or married? She said, oh, I'm single and oh, I'm single. But she said, really, what a coincidence. And then we talked a little bit more and I asked if she had Beth, and she said she had two cousins. So did I. She said, I can't believe. What a coincidence. I'm so glad I'm talking to you. And then we talked a little bit more and a few other things that we had in common. And this is going on for about 15 minutes now and it was time to get down

business. And so I said, well, since you called us, you probably have a drinking problem. Silence.

Who the hell do you think you are?

I can't believe they're letting you represent that company,

put me on hold and give me back to the man I was talking to earlier. I'm going to report you

as I'm relaxing. Reporting is a very good idea, but this is a home with a regular home phone and I cannot put you on hold, she said. Put me on hold or I'm calling my attorney.

I assume that she was in a black house and had so much fun

talking with me that she forgot who she was talking to.

So wherever you are in, I hope that you are sober and I hope that you come back to us. Or maybe you're here tonight and it was fun talking with you. We never know who we meet. What will happen. When I first got sober I thought, what am I going to do with all my time? This is going to be boring.

I'll never get another days. I'll never get a good job again. I can never be happy. How can I possibly go to a party ever again?

Well, I will tell you if you knew that we have all kinds of activities. We have conventions and we celebrate birthdays and we laugh. We go to movies after meeting. Sometimes we go for coffee. There is a full social life going on here in Alcoholics Anonymous.

And if you can take some phone numbers tonight or give you phone number away and begin to know some of us, I promise you, you never have to go through anything alone again. And although I have sympathy for the tragedies that Jim has had to go through lately in his sobriety with his mom and his brother, I've had tragedies myself.

And if it had not been for you,

I would not be sober today, Make no mistake. Because there have been sometimes when I hit the wall and I remember my 50 of society when I felt so worthless and you left and so full of fear that I did not want to go to another meeting. I did not want to do the a, a thing anymore after all my efforts every day, all those years. And I failed this week and I didn't want to do it again.

And I woke up that morning in the little ball under the blanket with a pillow over my head and I didn't want to go out there one more day.

So if I had been along with Maharaja or along with my big book, it would not have been enough. I went to meeting that morning and you were there and you put your arms around me. And I was able to go to that little job at $5.00 an hour or ten job. And I sent my resume everywhere. Nothing was coming through. My bills were not paid, not because I wasn't trying and nothing was going my way. And so after that day, I went to

the beach

to meditate and be quiet. And what I heard was

my primary purpose in this slide is to stay sober. And I have been that successfully for five years. And that my higher power was pleased with me and to carry the message to others who suffer. And I had been doing that to the best of my ability when requested. And my higher power was pleased with me. But this was after we had the little talk because I was mad at him.

And I told them,

I know that there are people who've been happy in obedience and poverty and celebrity and chastity, but I have not taken vows. I have not renounced anything. You have me confused with someone else. You have you take care of all your other little kids. How about me? I thought I had fallen to the crack,

but this was that day that I truly surrendered to my higher power.

He knows what is best for me. He knows what is best for me. But I need you when I go to this difficult, fearful, uncomfortable time to put your arms around me. And I need to hear the laughter. And I go to my callback workshop meeting on Thursday night. And those third Bureau, there are people who've been going there for 25 and 30 years. And to see the familiar faces

there gives me a sense of safety,

of security, that you're coming down that path with me. I am no longer alone, and I was so devastatingly lonely

when I went to detox downtown and I had spent a childhood lonely and teenagehood lonely and that was the state of my life until I came to you. So we need each other, and all of you are here tonight.

I am so grateful for your presence, your smile.

They are the flowers of my sobriety landscape. I think of you, you come with me. I cannot do this alone.

I am tremendously grateful to be here tonight, to be among friends. I love you. I know that you love me. Thank you, Chris. She's been a part of my life for a few years now and I'm so grateful for her. She teaches me so much and I don't think that she knows it.

If you are new, I beg of you to come back. Whether it's for the laughter, for the hugs, for the coffee because you have nowhere else to go, it doesn't matter

because if you don't come here, it's not going to happen.

Sobriety happens right here amongst us, and we will teach you about those few simple things that you need to do in order to be sober if that's what you want.

Thank you Pat again for having me and God bless you all.