Lanny T. from Oceanside, CA at San Diego, CA January 22nd 2000

I'm glad I'm an alcoholic.

It's good to be here tonight. Most of all, it's good to be sober.

Probably the only thing you're gonna hear out of me that I really know for sure tonight is that this program works, and it works good. The reason I know that it works good is because I'm standing up here tonight and tonight, without a doubt in my mind, I know who I should be. You know, I should be drunk. I should be loaded. Or at least I should be on some jail bus, headed back to a penitentiary someplace,

strapped down to a net house Gurney. Or did it? That's where I ought to be. But because of rooms like this, people like you, my life has gotten good beyond my wildest drunken dreams.

Yeah, I'd like to say so far I'm totally related with everybody that's been at this podium tonight.

I really related with the lady that read Chapter 5.

I recognize that attitude right away.

Then the guy that got his one year cake, we talked about those

correctional facilities

and totally identified with that.

And then the five minute, the five minute speaker,

That's what I love about the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. You know, I, I have found miracles in here. I'm one of those guys that I see the miracles and Alcoholics and animals and I'm one that has to see them and I have to see them in years. So I know that they're still happening for me. I'm a very self-centered person. I've been given the gift of sobriety and I'm the type of guy that I want to be rewarded for taking the gift.

When you told me here that I had a disease called alcoholism, when I got here,

I wanted a paycheck for staying sober.

I thought, you know, I always thought somebody owed me something all my life.

And I really thought somebody owed me something when I showed up here. And it took some years around here in this fellowship to and, and good sponsorship and old timers that made me become accountable for my actions. And I was the one that was responsible, you know, for what I did and, and my feelings and what was going on with me. I want to welcome the newcomers and welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous.

And I hope you find your what I found here.

And I hope you can find one of them old timers like I had when I first showed up there. And I cared a lot more about my life. And he did my feelings because I had one of those sponsors that hurt my feelings a lot. And he didn't give a damn about how I felt, but he cared a lot about what I did. And I have one of those same kind of sponsors today. He doesn't really care about too much how I feel, but he's still concerned about what I do.

And tonight I thought I was going to get a free pass down here and and I knew I was going to be able to lie a little bit because I didn't bring anybody with me and my sponsor wasn't going to be here. And

I'll be damned if he didn't show up at the break.

Now here I am. I'm stuck.

I had my first drink of alcohol at the age of 13 years old and the party was on. You know what an alcohol did magic things for me. You know it, it just did. From my very first drink. I love the effects of alcohol. I loved how it made me feel. I loved how it you know what? I could do things that I couldn't normally do and alcohol did that for me. For the very first time I picked it up. It was like for the first time in my life, I was OK.

And you know what? I didn't forget that feeling

and I drank every chance I got from then on. And the party, like I said, it was on in the time I was 13 years old till I crawled through the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous at the age of 37. And I drank as much as I could, as hard as I could, as often as I could. And I used a lot of other things in between there and that,

just for as long as I could.

I say, you know, I heard that word surrender around here a lot.

And I don't know if I've ever surrendered to anything in my entire life. You know, I think I have pushed it till I just wear out, you know, and then when I'm totally worn out, I guess you can call that surrender if you want to. But that's what it took for me. I had to take it to the very bottom. And I know today that there had been one person left in my life that would have picked me off and fixed me one more time. If there would have been anybody that would have done that for me, I would have died.

You know, I had to run them all up. By the time I got to this fellowship, there was nobody that gave a damn about, not even the people I owed a hell of a lot of money to.

They knew I was going to drink myself to death or I was going to get shot. Or, you know, they didn't have to. They didn't have to fool with me because they knew the young for me was coming soon.

And I'm going to tell you what, if you would have told me that was I crawled into this program this last time, March the 26th, 1983. And if you would have told me then that I would have been able to have stayed clean and sober up until this very night, I would have told you you were nuts because I didn't come here to stay clean. I didn't come here to stay sober because I knew I was one of those guys that had taken over that line. And we talked about an invisible lining here. But my line is a lot different than that one

that I had in place. Been done things that you don't get to come back from

and when I heard you talking about God in here I knew I was screwed.

I'm also recovering Southern Baptists

now let's screwed at the age of 13 years old

because what they said in there, if you haven't done it, if you just bought it even

like God was keeping score. And by the time I was 13, if I hadn't done it, I certainly had thought it. So you know what? And I and I carried that concept of God throughout the rest of those years. And it took me and Alcohol is Anonymous, a long time to undo those old ideas about God.

And I don't have that where I even got in my life today. You know, I have a very kind, loving, forgiving, and I have a God that has a sense of humor

also. I think my guy doesn't, you know, he knows me. He knows me real good and I, I, he knows my heart and thank God he knows my heart 'cause I don't know if I'm ever gonna get good around here. I didn't come here to get good. You know, I came here a very, very sick person. And little by little and inch by inch, I started to get different and I started to heal and things started to change in my life. And for me, it happened very slowly. It didn't happen overnight.

You know, when I drank my, when I drank alcohol for the first time,

I set out on this path and I hadn't, I did not have a clue where alcohol and drugs eventually were going to take me and what they were going to do in my life. You know, they were a good thing as far as I could tell. And I love them. And you know what? I'm also a product of the 60s and 70s. And I don't know if there's a lot of people here from the 60s or not, but I can tell you this. If you can remember them, you weren't there.

And that's how I live. You know,

I love that timing. They, you know, I love it, Absolutely loved it. I could do things and that I could do things in that time that, you know, people were getting jobs. And, you know, I dropped out of high school at six weeks before I was to graduating my senior year because alcohol and drugs became a lot more important to me than anything that school had to offer. And I had been offered several scholarships to go play baseball.

And you know what? I turned all of that down for the right to drink.

And that's how much of a hole in me at that age at alcohol had a hold of my life.

And people were trying to tell me then that I had big problems, that I had drinking problems and I had drug problems. But you couldn't have told me that. I didn't believe it. They were all me, you know, that was my answer to everything, to every feeling I've ever had. That's how I that's how I covered him. That's how I buried him. I buried him and alcohol and drugs.

Life was too painful for me and I was having a lot of fun. I was making a hell of a lot of money and I was living that dream.

You know, I had a lot more money than my father, who worked hard every day. I came from a good family. I had a hard working mother, a hard working father, and I had a good home. I was raising it, you know, with everything that you think the kids would need to turn out OK.

And I don't know why. I had a sister that was perfectly fine, you know, And we were raised with the same stuff. We heard the same thing, kind of. And she was one of those that could always, you know, she was always good. And I hated her

because I never could be like that. She was one of those. I did everything perfect, you know,

but I came out of this home and when I I just, I just was a rebel from the gate. And by the time I was, I had dropped out of high school. I had my hair was down in my ass and I was running drugs out of Mexico and I was hooked up. I was making a hell of a lot of money or the party was on. And like I said, it was the 60s and I was just enjoying life.

Only thing is that you know what, when you're doing all that stuff, every once in a while it gets interrupted.

They called it intervention around here today. But that's what I come to know jails and institutions at. He couldn't have told me that at the time, you know. Nor could you have told me the reason I was locked up. It was because of drugs, drugs and alcohol. If you would have told me why I asked me why, why are you locked up, I would have told you it was a shitty lawyer

and nothing to do with what I was doing,

you know? And you know what I was? I was a violent, violent person.

And because of that, I was going in and out of institutions a lot, you know, and I discovered something. And Alcoholics Anonymous, when you act like an animal and you live like an animal, they put you in a cage like an animal. And you know what? With me, they had the right guy. And there's nothing worse in this world to be standing in front of a judge knowing they have the right guy and knowing there ain't no way around.

And it's really bad when you get to know you on a first name basis.

But out there my life went and that's where alcohol and the drugs that took me down this path. And by the time I was 2223 years old, I had been hanging out of institutions quite a number of years. And I was getting tired of that lifestyle.

So when I got out the last time, I looked around and looks like all my friends were married and, you know, they were buying homes and raising families and, and I'm pretty smart guy. I figured, you know what, that's what I gotta do. I gotta find her.

I'll get the house, we'll have the family, and I can be just like them.

So that's what I did. I looked around my neighborhood and I found me the sickest one I could find to marry me at the time,

and I promised her the world.

And then I took her on the life of a reprowing addict and alcoholic for the next seven years

and continue with my using didn't stop, my drinking didn't stop. And you know, it's a progressive, it's a progressive illness. And I got worse

and not have periods of time that I would be OK, I could keep it together and kind of, you know, I'd be doing all right. But the longer

the times became shorter in between the times when I was down, you know, and I couldn't keep it together,

she finally got tired of my stuff

and she got a divorce. And we're on that way. And I immediately went back because she kind of kept things calm for me. You know, she would have healed me up and patched me up when I would come home banged up and stand up and, and kind of keep things covered. And you know what? When she left, I went back to the streets real strongly again and started doing what I know how to do best.

And almost immediately I got busted and I went back to jail.

And by this time, I learned how to talk

to judges, district attorneys and all of that. Tonight, I talked my way in and they didn't send me back to the penitentiary this time. They sent me to a year in the county. And what I'm doing that year in the county jail, I'm thinking to myself, you know, I haven't been locked up in almost seven years. And it was her. They kept that from happening. So I know right away I better find her real quick again.

And that's what I did. I found a number, you know, number two came rolling into my life.

I mean, she was a hell of a lot smarter than the first one.

She stayed one year

that was into that relationship, that was forever.

And this time, you know what? I went back out and I started doing things. And I had a friend

that I had known a number of years

and her husband and I used to get loaded together. We used to shoot dope together and drink together and party together. And we were both just party people. And we had a hell of a good time. And this lady might have become, you know, we had some friends and Dennis and their daughter had been killed in a motorcycle accident.

And Barbara and I had kept in contact through the years. I was checking, stopping and see how they were doing from time to time. And then when Happy Saint Patrick's Day, I was doing what I do. I was on the big party. And I happened to run into Barbara. She was bartending at the White House in Laguna Beach

and I walked in and there she was and we were happy to see each other. Like I said, we were friends and I got drunk and she got drunk and she took me home to her house and I wish I I stayed there for the next 18 years

and she had three kids and I had just one child that I had I had sent to his grandparents in Missouri because

I couldn't take care of them.

I left out one life in between. Barbara. I just remembered that when they had the child with,

she drank and we used together and she drank like I drank and she used like I used.

And they had a kid born in his life and it was too bad for him because he had a father that could not and wouldn't I take care of him and I couldn't. We were both strung out and we were both real sick. And I shipped him to grandparents in Missouri, and thank God he had good grandparents and they raised that kid and he stayed there for the next nine years of his life while I was out there doing what I do.

Doesn't matter for storage, denies that I'm proud of. That is how it was for me

anyways. Barbara and I ended up hooking up

and I brought that kid back after a little while from his grandparents. I brought him back with me and and, and Barbara had these three kids. And so I have 4 kids now running around this house.

And I tried to I thought, you know what, I'm gonna get a job and I'm gonna go to work and I'm gonna stop doing the drugs and I'm gonna start living in that way. And I did for a little while.

I got bored with that lifestyle real quick. I don't like to work. I hate that

and I don't like it today

by doing, you know, I learned that in Alcoholics and animals how to do that. But anyways, I started doing what I was doing with raising these four kids and and I'll tell you how it was around my house. I'm not going to stay at spend a lot of time in this drunk thing. I don't think if you came to my house, it wasn't easy to come in the front door because it was always off the hinges where I kicked it off.

When you walked in, it would be me in six or seven of my friends sitting around a kicking table with a punchable full of cocaine,

refrigerator full of booths. And these four kids that lived in that house, they would get up in the morning and they would eat their they would eat their breakfast in the living room because me and my friends were at the kitchen table. And then they would trot off the school and they couldn't bring any of their friends home after school because me and my friends were sitting in there doing what we do.

Then they would eat their dinner in the living room that night because me and my friends were still sitting there.

They never wake up in the morning and they would eat their breakfast in the living room because me and my friends were still sitting at the table.

And then they go to school, and then they would come home, and then they would eat their dinner in the living room because me and my friends were still there,

unable to wake up in the morning

when they would eat their breakfast in the living room.

And then they go to school. And then they came home and they eat the dinner in the living room because me and their friends were still there. And I'm going to tell you something, after about six or seven days in a row of that, things start getting weird.

So me and my friends all dressed the same way. You know what? We all carry guns. We were all violent. We were all nuts

and the next thing you know, the punch bowl is getting down there

and I'm a pig.

I don't like to share. When things start getting low, I'll share with you for a little while. But when it starts getting down there, I ain't sharing no more. And I'm trying to get these guys out of my house and they're not wanting to go. You know how we are because they're like I and they're still shitting the punch bowl.

And then the next thing you know, you know what things are really getting weird and there's guns going off in my house. I got four children sleeping in the next room, and I'm going to tell you what, there's guns going off in my house. And I finally get these guys rounded up and out of my house and gone.

And then I stay up for a couple of more days

to like patrol my neighborhood.

I was like my, I was my own neighborhood watch before they had neighborhood watches.

And you know, after days and days of being doing that and drinking and using the way I use,

I had this big pine tree across the street from my house. And that's where they always were.

And I don't know who they were, but I know they were always over there behind that damn tree. And they had these three big palm trees on my front lawn. I used to crawl out there and my lady hang those palm trees with this 44 Magnum

and that street would be moving across the street and I knew they were there in about four, 34430 in the morning I finally see who they are and I'm shooting.

Now what that does for you,

it gets the police to your house real fast.

44 magnums at 4:00 in the morning are noisy.

So here comes the car and by this time they know me, like I said on a first name basis. And they come driving up

and they're telling me let me put the gun down.

They got their bow hands on. The lights are going and the neighbors are up because of their gunshots. And

and the Contra is telling me, put your gun down, put your grains down. I said no, no, they're over there, right over there behind that tree. I got them. And they said, yeah, we got it. We got it. And I said, no, they're over there this time. They're really over there. Go over there. I'll back you up.

They don't. They don't want your backup and give us very night. I don't know why, they just didn't blow me away. I don't know why,

but they're talking me long enough to finally get me to put the gun down. And then here they come and you know what happens next. They want to arrest me

and I don't want to be arrested.

So we have a ruckus in my front lawn. Neighbors are all up by this time. They're out there and the big shows on, and they finally get me arrested, the handcuffs on me, and off to jail I go. And then the next day, Barbara would come down and write a hot check for the bail bondsman, bail me out, and then we go home when we get to start the whole mess over again. And I just thought that was normal living. I thought everybody was doing, all my friends were doing that.

And you know what? One night we had one of our little main events on a Saturday night on the front lawn.

The cops came again on the.

So The funny thing that happened is that they took her ass off because I was bleeding worse than she was.

But the next day my woke up and my telephone was ringing and there was a sister-in-law calling me on the phone asking me, do you know what you did this time? I knew I'm going to be a nice story because the house was a mess. And she told me what had gone on. And she said, why don't you guys get away from each other before somebody gets killed? And I thought, yeah, that's a good idea. And by this time, I had sometimes gone back to his grandparents in Missouri, and he's been back there for probably a year and a half.

And I hadn't seen him

and doctor him. So I had this good idea. I'll just unload all this mess. I'll pack my stuff. I'll go to Missouri, I'll visit with my son. I'll see my grandma, my mother and my father. I'll rest up and then I'll be OK.

You know what? That's what I did. I packed up. I made this little trip to Missouri first. I took some stuff with me to Missouri, and I'd like to tell you tonight that when I got there, I went to see that kid and went to visit my parents. But that's not what I do. I hit that little town in Springfield, MO, and I go to the part of town where I'm comfortable in and I find people that drink like I drink and use like I use and the party's on,

you know what I mean? The next thing you know, I'm gathering up a lot of money over there and they, 'cause you know what, Everybody knows if those drugs are in Southern California and then flying back out here to to crop and playing them back. And then the next 30 days I was on a run that was just unbelievable. It was unbelievable.

And I ran out of money, I ran out of drugs, I ran out of everything all at the same time. And I had one friend in this whole world left that lived in Springfield, MO. I had met him on my vacation when I was back there to visit one year, and we had stayed framed and he was a good guy and he was still my friend because he wasn't around me very much.

And I showed up on a Sunday morning on the car. Eddie had just bought this house and he just planted this nice new lawn. You know how they are. They're all nice about this high. They're really flush and green. And, and when he walked out of his house Sunday morning, there I was with my old alcoholic truck, buried all four tires right in the middle of his lawn by his front door, drunker than you know. And he came out and he dragged me out of my truck and took me to his house. He got his wife up and made coffee and he started to talk to me

and he said, Ronnie, you know what? I watched it for the last 13,

whatever it is,

drinking and using the way that you do. And if you don't do something about your drinking, you're going to die. And by this time, you know what? I didn't care and I really didn't care. Dining was easy, living it was hard. I already accepted the fact that you know what, I was going to leave this world in some lousy, violent way. Did I get in the shootout with a cop or with a connection from taking your shit? And I was going to die that way. And you know what? I got into the point that that was OK with me. I couldn't take that gun sticking in my mouth and blow my

I didn't have that much guide. But I knew the other way that was going to happen. And it was had become totally OK with me.

Anyway, this guy says, you know what, if I can get you into a detox, would you go? And it's like, yeah, I'll go. I didn't have any money. I didn't have any insurance. I didn't have any of that stuff. I know nobody's taking me. And this guy called around this town in Springfield, MO, and he founded a place that had just opened, only been open a couple of months. And it was a treatment facility very similar to scripting McDonald's.

And they agreed to interview me down there. Well, you know what? I had saved us 1 1/2 gram rock of cocaine and extracted in this truck. So I on my way to the hospital. We got right to the hospital, to Mary's house and that thing was falling to me. I couldn't go in there without it. I thought I was going to leave it there in case they did take me to have something to get well with when I got out.

But I couldn't leave it, you know, So I told her to take me back to my truck. What was going on? He took me back to my truck.

I got that deal. I went to the liquor store, we got some booze, and then I sat outside that hospital and smoked that last for that shit

and drink that bruise. And then we went in for the interview

and you know what? The director for some reason decided to let me in that place.

They took me down to the, you know, to get the medical stuff done, did my blood work,

my liver and don't count were so unbelievable. They sent me back to do another one. That's impossible. He would be dead when they sent me back to do the other, when it came back higher than the first one and they were like being shot. A year after I was cleaning sober, I went back to that facility and to see the director and asked him why did you let me in here, 'cause they never charged me a dime. They never, they never charged me that one dime.

And Jen looked at me and he said, Lang, we never had experience anybody like you in this little part of the country before. We wanted to see what the hell was going to happen.

You know, what happened was

they finally got me knocked out with the phenobarbital after about three or four days that they were trying to put me down. I couldn't sleep. I mean, I was harmed and I was and I was up and they were today. He couldn't believe I wouldn't go down

and every time that little nurse would give me another shot of that shit, she said this one's going to do it, honey. And I said OK

and we played that for like 3 days or however long. It was a long time. Finally I did go to sleep and when I went to sleep what they did is they put me in this little room

and when I came to and I realized what was going on, I woke up and I and I'm thinking this is not a good idea and I wanted to leave. Only problem is the room they had room didn't have a doorknob on my side

and I started raising hell and I raised him, nothing else. I finally these male nurses came down the hallway and you know, I was beating on the door and they finally opened the door just enough for me to get my hands in and boom, out I came. And then we had a hell of a ruckus out in the hallway and he finally got Michelle back into that room and the door shut. And there was this nurse called Mama Dee came down the hallway

and she she got them to open the door to let her in that room. They didn't want to let her in. She don't go in there. That guy is a Nazi. It will hurt you. And she didn't care what they said. She made him open the door and she came and she walked right up to me and put her arms around me and held me like a baby.

And she said, honey, it's going to be all right.

And I don't know what, I don't know what happened to me,

but you know, it's something in the way that she did that in her voice or just that big hug that she gave me. She was a big woman.

She said no. You know what? You get your ass up there on that dead and behave.

And I looked at this lady. I thought, lady, you know who you're talking to

and she obviously knew she was talking to because what I did was get my ass up on the bed and behave.

that Lady stayed with me all night long. And so she ship was over in the morning and she said, Lion, I'll be back at 3:00 this afternoon. I won't. I don't leave, don't leave. She begged me to stay and you know what? I don't know why I stayed, but I stayed and I did her, you know, their little 28 day program

and they reintroduced me one more time to Alcoholics Anonymous. So I'd been here before in 1979

and you know what, Hey, we'll screw up your drinking and your using. In case you don't know that if you're new in here, if you're new in here and you really don't want to get clean and sober, get out because they screw up your drinking and they screw up your using 'cause you know what? In 1979 the only thing I remember about the A meetings that I went to is these old timings would tell tell me. This

will not guarantee you've had your last drink, but we guarantee you'll never enjoy another one.

19791983 That's what happened to me. I don't care what bathroom I was in. I don't care what bottle I was in. I don't care where I was and what I was doing. They had that 8:00 in your head and you know what things start to get bad. You know, there's a place,

and I knew that that's what AA did for me. They street it all up for me. But anyways, I left that treatment facility. I came back to Southern California, Barbara Mystery living together again, and I started, I didn't go to any meetings for a couple of weeks when I was here.

And I got crazy. I got crazy. And the next thing you know, you know why I got my gun in my boot again. I got a knife and the other boot and 'cause when I left here, I, I left only a hell of a lot of money and I left only money to people you don't write letters to and send a dollar a week.

And that beer started to come back anyways. I meant to spend them on the Laguna Beach. That introduced me to this guy's name, Cliff from Oceanside, this little school teacher

and that clouds live and thrifting to my house and pick me up on my first meeting in Oceanside

and he's a little ball headed school teacher.

And like I said, I'm totally nuts. I got this gun in my boot and I'm not happy about anything

and we came to pick me up. I started to get in the front of his car to go to the meeting. He says what are you doing? I said I'm getting in the car. He said. Now you said in the back you're too stupid to write in the front.

You know what I'm going to tell you? I don't know. Probably some of you people know clip art from Oceanside,

and I guarantee you the only reason he's still alive and well is because that night I was so screwed up. I didn't know where to shoot him or stab him.

After that A and a meeting we went and you know what? Something happened to me in that meeting that I didn't have to kill Cliff on the way home.

A nice stage. You know what?

I wasn't that happy. I was the most angry, angriest person you have ever met in your life. My sponsor didn't tell me to shake hands in these greetings when I got here. He told me to keep your hands in your pocket, put your ass in the chair and sit down and shut up and listen.

And I, I hated it. I hated it. The last place in the world I ever wanted to be was sitting in one of these places. And here, I said. And in case you don't know it, if you're new out there, a A is the bottom. There ain't nowhere else to go after this where you're gonna go.

That's why I stayed. I didn't have anywhere else to go.

You know what? Little by little and inch by inch. And now I stuck around and, and, and

I was hopeful of hate and anger and rage and I kept going to meetings but nothing was happening for him.

So you know what I had to knock the edge on? And I couldn't stand the feelings anymore and I wouldn't share them and I didn't know anything. And I started smoking a little social dope to knock their job.

And then I did that for about 6 months. But I still came to meetings.

And I know this is an A meaning the drugs are part of my story. That's just the way it is. And one, one time, six months later, after I started smoking this dope, I ended up with a needle in my arm one more time. And I'm going to tell you there would have been a bottle set on the table where I was at night. I would have been a bottle that wouldn't have made a damn bit of difference because I had to change how I feel felt, and I had to change it right now. And that's what I did is I shot some dope and the minute I fired that off, I had enough

a A in me from this time. And whatever little contact I had with any kind of a God, it was broken the minute that I fired that shit off. And I knew if it hit me right between the eyes, like I was like, but it hit me with a 2 by 4 and I knew it. I could feel it.

And the next night I came back to our college and now I'm just raised my hands again as a newcomer and I started to going through some men's stag meetings and I heard the funniest things in these men stagger meetings. And then we're talking about being afraid,

and we're talking about being scared and we're talking about these feelings that were going on inside of them. And and I haven't seen this guy cry and I was embarrassed for him.

But you know what? I kept going to those meetings and you know what? I found out the guy that was had broke down that night and cried. I envied

because he could do that and I envy him today. And the guys that were talking about fear taught me how to fear about fear and being afraid. And I discovered in here that all my life, you know what, all my life, I was a terrified and I always said I was an angry little boys. I grew up to be an angry man. What happened is I was an angry little boy that grew up to be an angry little boy. And you know, all my life I lived in terror there. And the places where I lived my life, you didn't talk about being afraid that you'd be somebody's wife real quick.

And you live the way that you had to live, and you did what you had to do to survive.

You know what? And I started hearing these guys do that. And you know what? All of a sudden, I could start doing that. And then all of a sudden, things started to change for me. And I got this as a sponsor. And you know what?

I was still, I had I think 90 days again. And I was on my way to this guy's house. I picked him up to go to a meeting in Long Beach at this big book meeting I used to meet me go to on Monday nights. And I was still carrying my gun and we were on our way back from this meeting. I was like, not delighted that night. And this guy was messing around on the freeway with me

and my sponsor was sitting on the other side of me. And I told him, hey, roll that window down.

And he rose a window down and I come lean back

and he looked at me, but he leaned back and I pulled my gun out and I shot this guy's back window out of his car.

And my sponsor didn't even uncross his arm. She just

He looked so rude and shook his head like that. And then we get to his house. He tells me,

you know what? On Saturday you bring me up all your weapons.

We have no business with them.

So you know what, Saturday I brought him up my on my weapon. And

so I mean this garage and you're putting these things away and I figure we're all done putting my guns away. And he says, Lane, go get the one you're going to keep.

And it's like, how did he know that? You know,

And then I explained to him, though, I have to have these because, you know, I stole this money to these people, blah, blah, blah. And he says, no, what you're going to do this afternoon is you're going to go see the people you owe that money to, and you're going to tell him you're a sober member of Alcoholic Anonymous

and that there's no way you can repay that kind of money. And you do with you whatever they're going to do with you, leave you hell alone. And you know what? That didn't seem like a good idea to me.

And then he told me no weapons. I went with no guns, nothing. And I knew I wasn't going to walk out of there. But I had come to trust this guy and I did what he told me to do. And I went to see the guy that owed the money to. And it wasn't about the money, trust me. They treated me like family, these people,

and I told them my little story and the old man looked down at me and said I'm not going to kill you. And I don't know why, he said, but you better keep your ass over there in that AMA because I'm going to be watching. And you know what? It's been like 17 years later and I know he's still watching.