John A. from Dallas Texas at Jonesboro, Arkansas November 21st 1997

Everybody all right?

Who's not OK?

Good. We got a few honest people.

My name is John Allred and I am an alcoholic and I'm glad. I really want to thank everybody in the in the committee and the whole conference has just been wonderful and, and, well, I tell you, the speakers have been great, haven't they? I mean, I'm ready.

I'm ready to go home right now. You know, my, my, my cup's full. And I'm always amazed.

It amazes me when they people invite me to come, come to a roundup and share, you know, because I don't do this very good and I don't do Alcoholics Anonymous very good. You know, I want to put, you know, a disclosure. They always read, a lot of times they'll read the disclosure and it says we can't reconcile what the guy says just with the big book, just disregard it. And my, I got a little disclosure. I want everybody to make sure see I don't do as I said, I don't do a a very good

and I don't know anybody that does.

That's incredible thing about it. You know, you know, in the meeting after the meeting, when you're after having constantly, you're trying to help another alcoholic who's usually not there, you know,

and you're just talking about them a little bit, you know,

and somebody would never really say what you said, you know? Oh yeah, he, he talks the talk, but he can't walk the walk, right?

Who are we kidding? And a none of us can walk the walk. I mean, if I could walk the walk, I wouldn't need to come to a a you know, I come here because I can't walk the walk. I think that's what the book says, doesn't it? Then they when they read how it works, you get through reading how it works. What does the bug say? Says

wow, what an order. Can't go through with it, you know,

don't be discouraged. No one. See, they don't exclude anybody. They don't exclude Bill Wilson. They don't exclude Doctor Bob. They certainly don't exclude John Allred. No one among us has been able to maintain anything like, you know, you know what that means? Maintain anything like we haven't even come close, OK?

Perfect adherence to these principles. Nobody can do this deal, you know? And yet those of us that can't like talk about those of you that can't,

well, I don't do it better than he doesn't do it.

I really enjoyed the

this, this deal really is that, uh,

disease of perception and all the speakers have talked about that distorted perception of reality that we got, you know, and it's really amazing how, how distorting. Yeah, I'm sitting out there in a convention in new in California And right next is big convention, thousands of people. And right next to that, where they're having a convention, there's this mall attached to it, right. So I'm acting on Saturday afternoon. I'm just eating some frozen yogurt. People watching, you know, it's a lot of fun. And I see these, this punk,

OK, you got punk rockers down here in Arkansas, OK, No, you haven't got it here. You've seen them on TV, All right

anyway, and they're they're in they're in the convention, right? They got their name batches on their Alcoholics. They got the name badges on their girl and boy walking just really punked out, man. The guys got a peak spike going out this way and he's got a a green spike going straight up in there and he's got a purple spike going out this way and and they're locked along just in love holding hands

dress. I don't know, Kind of like the way you stress when lived under the bridge, you know?

And they're walking along there. I'm sitting there watching them. And right next to me is this is this Sunglass boutique, all they sell in their sunglasses, right? Guy goes over, puts on these sunglasses. His girlfriend says take those off. They make you look stupid.

Just distorted perception of reality. Yeah, well, I thought it was that. Got that, you know, normally got it right next right next to Sunglass boutiques, this earring joint, all they got accessories and earrings and stuff. They got a big, big sign up in the window,

says ears pierced while you wait.

I mean, what's the alternative to that, You know,

distorted perception of reality. We got that in Dallas. We got it in that they got a big deal down there going we're doctor, we can talk about this. They got a new new little shops,

these little condom boutiques. OK, we got one down there called Condoms to Go.

You, you can't use them there,

come get you. You know, it's just distorted perception of reality.

I'm sitting there in a meeting my Home group and, and they haven't, this is a year ago and they have some discussion. I don't know what they're talking about. This little lady, Sharon, she's talking about how grateful she is to Betty Ford because Betty Ford had come out and and as this was year ago, she had set up that that joint out there in California for treatment. And what a great benefit that was. I mean, it's the first lady could come out and be alcoholic. Maybe that helped a lot of people thinking maybe I'm alcoholic. I'm sitting there listening

start the last OK because at dawned on me. You know, if it's true what they say that the Al Anon's are as sick if not thicker than the Alcoholics.

No wonder our country got so screwed up.

I mean, we had an untreated out on running the thing.

Unbelievable that could happen, you know, and it was a typical alcoholic al Anon relationship, wasn't it? You know,

Betty does all the drinking, Jerry does all the falling down,

unbelievable distorted perception. What's going on in this world? You know, I got that problem. I got that problem. It's not my fault, OK? I I'm an adult child of non Alcoholics.

That's a bummer man. I got nobody to blame. You know, I did all the drinking. I did all the drinking. In my opinion, nobody drank in my family. My mom doesn't drink rather than drink. Dad doesn't drink, sister don't drink. I didn't drink growing up.

I grew up in a very normal environment, you know, didn't, I mean, it was a great childhood growing up. You know, we never, you know, we never moved in the middle of the night. You know,

dad never beat mom. You know, we just grew up in a very normal

middle income American environment, really kind of kind of a boring deal for a guy like me. You know, I went to college just like you're supposed to go to college. Got out of got married my senior year in college, like you're supposed to get married. You know, when an insurance business, Salt Lake City,

Never grind, never Smoke,

started in the church business, things are pretty good. I was scared. I scared death. You know, I'd come in the office in the morning, be a stack of messages. My secretary give me these phone messages. I say, what are these

those? Those are phone messages.

Who from?

I don't know. What do you think they want?

I guess they want to buy some insurance.

I think for me, you know, scary deal. Phones are scary. Phones scary.

Who is it? You know? I knew it was

them, you know,

rat ran into buddy. My name's Stuart Stewart drink, so I started hanging out in the bar with Stewart. I'm not going to spend a lot of time on my drunk lot guys, but I love them. I was a bar drinker. I really was. I'd hang out the bar Stewart and I'd drink water for a long time. Never drank, but I love the bar love everything about the bar. You know, I'm a bar drink. I like to I like to take my act on the road. Sure, but it wasn't an ass. I can be just love that kind of thing. I always get dressed up. I go out and drink when I just start to get all get dressed up, go out drinking in the bar, you know, and Sandy, that wasn't my

pointed out. I was always getting dressed up to go to jail, you know,

crazy. Well, I get, I love bars. You know, I like everything about bars. I just really do drink very little at home. I drink in the bar like I like all bar. I like dark bars, you know, most dark, stinky born. I love those bars. You know, I like Fern bars. You know, those New York Fern bars are bright and got ferns and I like those. I like cowboy bars. I really like sawdust on the floor and all that.

I like biker bars, you know, they're a lot of fun. They're a lot of fun. Like I just, I never been in a bar I didn't like, you know? It's just like, you know, that experience you hear a lot of people talking about coming to A and their home, you know? That's why I feel when I walk in a bar. Oh, thank God I'm here. You know

wonderful. I like and never drank in the bar. Finally, when my

second child was born, I had my first drunk. Stewart called me up, congratulated me and he said, we're going out drinking tonight. And I said great. I said, I I'll celebrate the life, you know, in the hospital with this newborn. And I got my other son at grandma's house. So I got all that. We'll go out. So I got had my first drunk and God, it was a great drunk. It was a great drunk. You got to be a member of a private club in Utah to do any drinking. So that was private club called the winery. It's right across the salt paths. We walked down these steps, walked in

flashing. They got a live band going on in there. They got women in there and I had my first drunk. It was a great drunk. You know, I don't know what I drank. I just drank. What are they putting from me? They bring a drink over drink drinks dark, dark drink got got a cherry in it, Just drink it down. Next drink they bring light, light colored drink. Got a twist around it. Just drink it down. Just drink, what are they put there and have great drunk danced all night.

Dance, dance with two lesbians.

Well, you know, they're out there dancing together.

And I thought probably want me to join him.

I go out there then. Then they left together, you know, and there I was alone, you know, You know what? I learned something though. You're drunk. There's no rejection. You're just drunk. Walk back over the table, sat down, had the next drink sitting in front of me really pretty good and got it. The next morning, no hangover, really felt pretty good. I call up Stuart and I says Stuart, I had a ball,

had a great night. He said, yeah, you did. You did. I said sure. Do you think maybe you think you may go have a drink tonight?

He's I don't know. I hadn't thought about it. I probably probably stopped by have one. I said what time he's like I worked till 3:00 Saturday. I said, well, I want to meet you about 3:30.

Yeah, I mean at 3:30. And I never drank socially. I never, I never drank social. I never got the cocktail or the glass of wine or the champagne and walked around the the deal and social. I just, I like to drink to get drunk. That's what I do. I just like to drink to get drunk. And I'm getting in all kinds of trouble immediately. I mean, I got a lot of problems going on immediately

and that really ticked me off. I'd only been drinking six months. I got my first DWI,

you know, and that really was a bummer because I, I had read at that time, you know, the, the, the mothers were just organizing themselves against drunk drivers and they were really mad at us. And they were publishing a lot of stuff and coming down on the lawn. I'd read them. They had an article in the newspaper I'd read where they said only one in 2000

drunk drivers ever get picked up.

And I thought

I can drink years, I get drunk every night, I can go 5-6 years where I need to worry about getting picked up. Six months I get busted for drunk driving.

And then I thought, well, I guess that's good because now I've got like 15 years for my next ticket, you know, So it won't, it won't be the problem. You know, I'm getting in trouble, meaning people starting to tell me that I, I'm an alcoholic.

I mean, I haven't been drinking a year and they're, and they're starting to tell me that I, I'm drinking alcoholic. And I say, well, what's an alcoholic? How do you know you're an alcoholic? What is that? They say they give you all that stuff done. It's a disease and everything. And I read that's okay. Then if it's a disease, let's go to the doctor,

you know, let's prove it. You know that can you want to take physical? Well, I'm not that won't do any good. Well then how do you know you're an alcoholic? What's an alcoholic? You want to take some blood? You know, you got to be able to do some blood analysis or into a blood analysis machine, come out and say, yeah, we got the results of your test back and

you're you're alcoholic. No, we, we can't do that. Well, how do you know you're an alcoholic? What's an alcoholic? How do you know that you want to do an MRI or a CAT scan or something? Got to be some way to verify this. No. Oh, here's the deal. Y'all want me to quit drinking? What happens 20 years from now? I find out I'm not alcoholic,

I've grown. 20 years I could have been drinking.

I'm not willing to take that risk

and they say so they say what did they give you that test? You know, they give that funky little test, a little 20 question on it take I want you know, I can take that test and pass it non alcoholic. OK, because I did it three times, you know, because I like to like, you know, I'm so good at lying. I don't know. I'm lying. That perception of reality,

they say, well, John, you, you know, you drink too much.

And as soon as they told me I drank too much, I knew I want an alcoholic, OK? Because I never drank too much in my life, ever. There's not an alcoholic in this room. If you're an alcoholic that ever drank too much, you know, it's impossible for an alcoholic to drink too much. You can't do it.

See, I am an alcoholic not because I drank too much. I'm an alcoholic because I couldn't drink enough.

And if you can't drink enough,

impossible. Drink too much. Never happened. You ever drink enough in your life? I mean, I can see somebody from this room. You go into the bar, sit down and have a couple cocktails. Bartender says you.

I think I've had enough. I

I got a big day tomorrow. Don't want to mess up. I I've had enough. Never had enough. You know, Kendra, I mean, I go to the bar, get drunk, black out, get in a wreck, go to jail. What happens when you get out of jail?

Make you thirsty, being locked up like that? Yeah, just happen. I go to Barbara Stewart at noon, go to the bar with Stewart. We start drinking at noon. It's midnight, OK? We've been drinking 12 hours in this place and we're drunk and we know we're drunk and we're talking about it.

Dirt. I am so drunk,

he says. Me too.

Buy another drink.

That not enough?

Well, if you can't drink enough, it's impossible to drink too much. See, normal drinkers couldn't drink enough.

So occasionally, but not very often, they might drink too much. But if you're an alcoholic, like I'm an alcoholic, and you can't drink enough, you'll never drink too much. And when they tell me you drink too much, then I know I'm not an alcoholic, you know, 'cause I can't drink enough. That's my problem. In fact, when I drink, it's incredible what happens when I drink.

When I drink, I'm OK.

When I drink every time,

then I feel comfortable. In fact, I feel happy, joyous and free

when I'm sober and I'm not drinking. I'm restless, irritable and discontent, and you want to take that away from me when the only time I'm really feeling good and I'm really happy, Joyce and free is when I'm drinking

and when I'm not. I'm scared to death, you know? In fact, when I drink, it's just a magical deal that happens every time, never fails. It's like, it's like those promises, you know, at the end of step 9, what I'm drinking, those promises come true in my life.

Every one of them works in my life when I'm drinking. I don't know about you, but I'd go to the bar and after that first drink,

I don't know, I would kind of begin to

sense a new freedom and a new happiness,

you know? And then after about that third drink,

I know about you, but that all that fear of financial insecurity just kind of slipped away

and I was all right

after about 5-6 drinks.

I don't know. I just kind of

intuitively used to know how to handle situations that were back on me, you know?

It always works in my You want to take those promises away from me? Come on,

that's what works. You know, that's what works for me. Now I want to tell you something.

If I don't find a way to have those promises come true in my life today without drinking alcohol,

I will drink alcohol today.

I will drink it today, no problem, because I have to have those. See, I gotta have that.

And alcohol, after about 12 drinks, started to do for me what I couldn't do for myself.

You know, it was an incredible deal. You want to take all that away from me now? I got a lot of problems, alcohol one. One of them just flat. Wasn't one of them, you know, had problems at work, had problems at home, had all that stuff. Finally I figured out my real problem.

So Utah. Utah's at a high altitude.

It's up in the mountains. It really is. It's right up there in the mountains. Scientific fact, people who live at high altitudes for prolonged periods of time

have thinner black than people that live at low altitudes. OK, well I've been living in Utah my whole life. I got to have thin blood. You party hard on thin blood, you have a problem.

What I really need to do is get to sea level, sticking in my blood a little bit. I'd be OK, you know? So I call a buddy of mine lived in Seattle. I'm talking to him in Seattle,

he says. Man, why don't you take a year off, come up here and stay with me in Galen Town. Just put your life back together.

Actually, I don't want to really impose on you and GAIL and, you know, your five kids,

He said no imposition. I said I'll be there Tuesday, you know. So I moved to Seattle and I'm living up in Seattle. I'm not doing anything up there. I'm just doing a little drinking, working on sticking with my blood.

And when you're in that kind of situation, you're not working, the next logical thing you're going to want to do, how you're going to want to gamble. You know, best time to gamble is when you're unemployed. And so they had poker parlors up there, there to go for playing poker. And and then if you're a hot shot and a high flyer like me, you want to be where the real action is. So I started rundown in Nevada playing the casinos. Finally I thought I'm not with my kid and I might just move to Nevada.

So I moved down to Nevada, bounced around Nevada, ended up in Reno, NV and I wasn't doing anything in Reno. I'm just doing a drink and plant a little poker, working on picking up my blood and an old drinking buddy might call from Salt Lake invited me to come over. Salt Lake shouldn't have gone. Doing real good in Reno. I go over to Salt Lake and meet them. We went out to a place called the One More Time Club and I found her. She was sitting in the bar waiting. You know, I knew she'd be there. Fell in love.

Want to take her out Saturday. She couldn't go out Saturday. Couldn't go out soon. I had to stay till Monday. Supposed to go home Sunday. Should have gone home Sunday. OK, stay till Monday

and we go out that Monday by the way was October 6, 1981 and we got on this day is a bad deal. It's a real bad deal. You know, you know, you got a bad deal when you invite him to go to dinner and and then they really want to eat

the bad deal. So she's eating and I'm drinking. OK, well, I'm a gentleman. So every time order me a whiskey or her glass of wine, well, the woman ain't keeping up starting to stack up on her, you know, now to keep from being embarrassed, got to drink my whiskey and drink her wine, you know, and it was just a bad deal. She got three She's I want to go home. So took her home and went down and knocked on prices door. I was staying with price that night. Friend of mine, he opens the doors 1030. He said, I thought you had a date and I said that damn woman, I went in there and I had a gallon of wine I drank that night. I said now tomorrow night

we're going to get after it. You know, I'm going to hit this town one more time then I got to get out of here. This high after drinking is going to get me in trouble. And

so we go out Tuesday, October 7th, 1981. And we started at noon and then we went oversee the fast show at the Hilton. And then after the show, I remember the show and then I blacked out, blacked out a lot. I blacked out an awful lot and came out of my blackout and the cops had found me one more time.

They wanted their, they wanted my driver's license. I, I, I didn't have a driver's license, you know, they'd taken that 3D Wis earlier, you know, so I didn't have a driver's license. And I'm just trying to explain to that cop. Listen, I just leave my car parked here. I'm glad you stopped. I'm glad to stop.

I'll leave it parked. I'm just going right over here. I'm just going to walk right over there. I'll pick it up in the morning. No problem. Let's lock it up. And he kept insisting. Finally ran my license plate, found out who it was, arrested me, you know, and I'm in jail

and and this time they're they're pissed, OK, because I can't even post bond. I can't post bond to get out. They said no, no, no, see, I knew the system, I knew the deal. You get arrested, you plead not guilty, right? No matter what you arrested for, you just plead not guilty. And then you go to the OR lady. And if it was just drunk stuff back then you get out on your ORI. Think the biggest bond I ever posted was $50.00. And then you get you an attorney. They set a court date, you get your attorney and then you start that

process, right? And you postpone and you postpone and you postpone until you can no longer postpone. And then when you got to go to court and you're going to go to court tomorrow and the attorney says no, can't postpone anymore, we go to court tomorrow. Then you want to be sure and the day before you go to court, move.

That's what I did. You know, I never went to court. I just moved. And so I had a lot of failure to appears and they said, no, we're not letting you out. You don't come back

Vienna.

So I'm in jail and I don't like jail. I don't like lock up. I don't like lock up. I want out can't get out. Finally a buddy of mine comes down sees me named Stan stands not now clock been only about AA. He comes down and and he says I've talked to some friends and we think we can get you out. But he says the only way I'll do that is if you promised me you'll go to treatment because you're sick and you need help.

And I said, oh, Stan,

bless you.

You are so right.

I don't know what it is, man. It's just this overwhelming compulsion comes over me and then I get drags me down in there and I get drunk and I get in all kinds of trouble and I don't want, I guess I'm alcoholic stand. I need help, but I I can't get in in here,

he says. He says we'll we'll get you out. So I get out of you now. I had no intention of not drinking,

OK. I didn't want to quit. I wasn't going to quit. I'm just getting out of jail and I'll do or say anything to get out of jail, right? So I had to stay with Stan and I got the next morning he threw me the Yellow Pages. So you going to where you want to go to treatment, but you got to go to treatment. And so I'm looking the Yellow Pages and they got a lot, They got a few of these treatment centers in there and I find this treatment. So I call them on the phone and I said I need to,

I don't need to come in for real treatment

and the the gases. Well, do you have any insurance? No, go ahead and work for 3 1/2 years. You know, I don't, I don't have any insurance. She says lots $12,000.

Hell, I don't want to stay all year, you know, I'm not that sick to stay all year, you know, I just need a little treatment. It's very confusing, very frustrating. Man. I caught US1 place, they wanted $18,000.

I couldn't believe I was so frustrated. Honey listen, if I had $18,000 I wouldn't need your goddamn treatment.

Really true. Solve any problem I had

5 covers one place and I said I need to come in for no treatment so gas is OK and I said well now listen you need to know something. I don't have any insurance. She says oh OK. And I said well how much is it? She's a salesperson. So she says well let me check in here. You get you get room, you get bored and you get therapy both individual and group therapy mind you. And it was

$9 a day.

And then when you check in here, you apply for food stamps and we credit that food stamps to the bill. And then if you work on here, we pay you about 50 a day. So that's have to be about 5 bucks a day, something like that.

I couldn't believe it. I said how long is your waiting list? So there's other places had 1218 thousand to get in. They had 30 to 60 day waiting lists. So I asked, I said how long is your waiting list? She said, well we have a bed for you tonight.

I don't really need to come tonight.

She's I think you need to come tonight. Now I got a problem with this place. Think about it guys. I mean, they got bargain rates, right? 9 bucks a day,

room, board and therapy. They can't feel their beds all right now. They're high pressure me, get me to come in down there

and I'm the consumer. I'm right.

So I said, honey, listen, you make my reservation for Saturday or just forget the whole damn deal. So he made it and I didn't drink. I don't know. I didn't drink, just didn't drink. Saturday came, drove down there, sat in the park, and I sat in that parking lot for hours watching him, you know, watching him go in and out. I wanted to see, you know, what kind of person goes to a $9 a day jitter joint, OK,

I'm watching going in and out of there all they want. And you know what? They were Alcoholics, everybody.

No wonder they're going in there. Look at them. They look like Alcoholics, you know, didn't look like y'all look, y'all don't look like Alcoholics. They they look like Alcoholics. And I want an alcoholic. OK, but I fit my budget so checked in. I was on Saturday, just fill out a bunch of paper and nothing happened. Sunday I had my first exposure to Alcoholics. 2 guys from outside came in. We sat along tables like this and we're sitting back. I'm sitting back there being very quiet. That's the way I do it. You know

You're real quiet. Sit in the back, try to figure out what how we're supposed to act

single item. Thank you, how we're supposed to do this. Then I can go do a, a I'm a real chameleon. We've talked about that other speakers doctor, real chameleon, you know, got to figure out what we're doing and I'll just blend, you know, so I'm being real quiet watching what we do. These two guys from outside talk for a long time and then they, I didn't hear a damn thing they said because I'm watching what everybody else does,

you know? Then they start down in rows. Discussion means. So the first guy introduced him. S said my name is Joe B, I'm an alcoholic and I'll pass.

That guy said my name is Jim Ass, I'm alcoholic and I'll pass.

What Hell, I caught on real quick. OK, what they do in a a see you give your first name, last initial admit to the group you're alcoholic and and then you pass. You know something magical about that. If you can just admit to the group that you're an alcoholic is is you just take that burden of alcoholism off your shoulders. So they had it on the wall. That's got to be it. You know, admitted you're a palace over alcohol,

So I thought that's what you do here. So I came to me. I did it right. My name is John A. I'm an alcoholic and I'll pass.

Nothing happened.

Not a damn thing happened. I thought, well I guess, I guess a is for the simple minded people, you know, nobody that's been to college and with any brains around here. Just for simple, uneducated hardcore Alcoholics. Not for guys like me that may have may or may not have a touch

allowing knowledge

now as distorted a perception of that is of Alcoholics Anonymous. That was my perception of Alcoholics novice Monday came got me my counselor Dallas, lovely lady where she's interviewing me. We're going through all this stuff and and she wanted me to stay two months,

I said. Dale Dale, Dale, Dale.

I have been here all weekend, OK?

They've told me. I've talked to these people, they're Alcoholics. They've told me they're Alcoholics. I got no reason to doubt it. They look like they probably are Alcoholics. I said I don't know what I'm alcoholic or not. I think I have a touch of alcoholism. But they told me how that first month you could spend first month, man, breaking me down, you know, getting me to be open and honest.

Let me save a month right there. All right.

I've always been open and honest in everything that I do and I and I've got a great mind. I mean, I read real fast and did great in schools. I got a memory you wouldn't photographic memory, I guess. Scary as hell. Remember everything I read and and I did real on and I'm too busy to stay that long. She said you're too busy. I said, Oh yeah, I'm too busy. She said, where are you working?

Well, I'm not working, but I'm too busy. You know, in that true about us. Aren't we busy people? I want to Alcoholics, the most busy unemployed people you ever want to meet in your life. I don't know what we do, but we're busy doing it. You know, you watch them go to your group tomorrow, go to your Home group tomorrow. Right now it's Monday, OK, the guy's unemployed. He's got nothing to do all day long, but get to a meeting and he's like,

he's like, where you been? Hell, I've been busy.

I don't know what we do, but we're busy doing it, you know? We really are.

And I said so I'll tell. I'll give you 2 weeks, OK, I'll give you 2 weeks because then I gotta get back to Renox, see, because I'm not really going to quit drinking. That's not my deal. I'm just doing this to get out of jail. And I figure treatment time is better than jail time. You know, I figure 2 weeks will fulfill my commitment to stand and then I get back to renew and get on with my life.

OK, so I said yeah, I'll give you 2 weeks. So you give me whatever material you're going to study during that, you know, that two-month period. I'll read ahead.

You can give me some pot quizzes if you want, because two weeks I'm I'm out of here. She listened to all that stuff. We'd better hurry with you.

That might you better hurry

was on Monday Tuesday got to go to group group therapy. Gotta love groups. Anybody been to group bunch of love group. I love group man. Just sit around a circle right facing each other talk about their family. I love that kind of stuff. I love and and and you can interrupt you cross talking permitted. Yeah. Oh come on man, get on it.

You know that group lingo well. Ah man, you're in denial. Love that kind of shit, you know, Can't see much good come from it, but it's fun to do, you know? Good way to spend an hour when you're in treatment.

I was on Tuesday. Wednesday alcoholic education seminar

showing us a movie about alcohol and I I'm bored with movies about alcoholism and drug addiction. I don't even watch I even the day I'm bored with them I don't watch em. So I'm sitting there prepared to not like this movie, and the name of the movie was awkward tomorrow and I'm sitting there and all my ego and all my content prepared not like this movie.

Man, the movie tore me apart.

It tore me apart.

I related to everything that went on in that movie. I related to it all. I mean, I did everything that guy did. I talked the way he talked.

I thought the way he thought

I acted, the way he acted, I drank the way he drank.

I did everything that guy did, you know, I related to the whole thing. That was my moment of clarity when I knew the gig was up.

You know, I knew the gig was up. I related to it all. What happened to me that night is I quit looking for that definition. What's an alcoholic? How do you know you're an alcoholic? What is an alcoholic? Quit looking for that definition. See, I later found out, Malcox Anonymous, we don't have a definition of an alcoholic.

We don't have one. I couldn't define an alcoholic for you this morning. I don't know how to define that.

Well, we have an Alcoholics Anonymous is a description. So you can't argue with the description. You can argue with the definition. That's why Webster's got 10 definitions for every word, right? But you can't argue with the description. The most powerful tool God has given outside Anonymous is our description of the alcoholic.

Because of that description, that seems to have the power to literally strip everything that separates the alcoholic from himself. And I could see me that day like I'd never seen me. I could see me that day like my mom saw me.

I could see me that day like my ex-wife saw me.

Difference was I could see me

as I related to it and I knew the gig was up as my moment of clarity. It's the most powerful tool seek how important our description of the alcoholic is. I mean, 2/3 of our book,

2/3 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous is descriptions of Alcoholics

in the stories. I mean, why they put all those stories in there

just to make a big book?

No, it's that important. And if you're reading the 1st 164 pages, you ain't reading the book, you know, because there's that description of the alcoholic that seems to have that power to literally strip everything that separates the alcoholic from himself. And I could see me that night like I've never seen me. And I wasn't happy about it. It wasn't a relief. And oh thank God, I know what's wrong with me. I was petrified,

I was totally scared to death and now what do I do?

I know I'm an alcoholic. How on earth am I going to function

without drinking?

I mean, I got to go get a job

because I can't continue to run my little deals.

I mean that I, you know, how am I gonna date? How am I gonna dance and how am I gonna go to a go out to dinner and not drink? I, I can't live 'cause I knew the gig was up and stayed in that place six weeks, couldn't stay two months, too busy to stay two months. But I got out of there the 1st December and they told me when I was getting out of there, they said now, John, you need aftercare. You need aftercare. Well, you're living in Reno, we're in Salt Lake. That's too far to go for aftercare.

Twice a week or three times a week. So your aftercare is you go to AA, that'll be your aftercare program, You go to AA. So I drove back to the NL and I knew two things. When I got back to Reno, OK, I knew I was an alcoholic and I don't want to drink. And I also knew AA had enough to offer. OK, make a lot. Go there. You give your first name last initial, admit you're an alcoholic and then pass. OK, I already knew that I didn't do that,

you know, but I didn't want to drink. So first I'm back in town. I call out autonomous. I told the guy said my name is

John A and I'm an alcoholic. And the guy says, well, I'm Bruce, I'm alcoholic. There's an inner group. And I said, well, Bruce, I said, listen, I, I just got out of treatment over here in Salt Lake and live here in Reno. And I wanted to, you know, call and report in.

I think they had me on computer. You know, if you don't show up, they put out a warrant on your deal.

He says, well, yes, I'm glad you're here. He said, did you want to go to meeting tonight? I said, yeah, I go to meeting tonight. You know, you'll, you'll probably want to meet me. And he said, I'm not going tonight. But there's a meeting that starts at 8:30 at the third floor of the Riverside Casino,

Sierra Room down there. So 3rd, 4th on the Sierra Room of the Riverside Casino. And that's, that's where the meeting is, men's stag meeting.

I said, OK, I'll be there so that we can meet. So I'm not going. I said, well, then you know, call them and let them know that that I'm coming. He said they'll be there. So I show up. 8:15 first resentment, I thought anonymous. I mean, I called, told them I I'm coming.

No, nobody knew I was coming. OK, No reception. Nobody said, oh, you must be the John A just out of treatment of site. Here's your seat. Here's your coffee. No, there's some guy smoking cigarettes. Drink coffee, waiting for a meeting. I got my coffee, sat down. Pretty soon an old guy named Red Star show the meeting. Red looked like an alcoholic. He really did. And he he talked for a while, and then they started down these ropes. There's a discussion. This man's stagnant.

These guys talked

and I don't know what they were talking about, OK, Nothing we talked about in treatment at all and they didn't do it. They didn't even do that right. OK, I'm sitting there in that meeting and some of these guys, when they introduced themselves, did not give their last initial.

My name is John. I'm alcoholic,

OK? Guy didn't even know to give his last the news.