Jimmy D.

Thank you. My name is Jimmy Dean. I'm. I'm an alcoholic.

I'm a nervous alcoholic.

I never get used to doing this and especially in the beginning. I'm from Dallas, TX. We're famous for the Dallas Cowboys and Johnny A.

I would like to thank our king. I would like to thank you.

No, we're a good time in our room this morning. I, I was thinking I was, this guy looked sober

and I don't want to find out who he was, so I drooled him.

I like to thank him and Kim for picking me up at the airport and so graciously feeding me. Plus they paid, you know, they're always like that one, you know,

I kept cleaning sober since June the 10th, 1982 because Alcoholics Anonymous works and because along the way I found that God loved me and I never had that information before. I'd like to start this talk off with a line, the first words I ever heard

come out of the mouth of our founder, Bill Wilson. And I was headed out to West, TX to give us talking to prison a few years ago, a lot of years ago, 7-8, nine years ago. And someone gave me a tape and it was a man named Bill W and it was from 1956 in Fort Worth, TX

and I did not know who he really was. I thought damn Bill Duggan was over a long time.

Stuck that tape in in, in my tape player,

and the first words I ever heard our founders say were these words,

he said. There's a New Hope and a new light that shines on the loneliness

in the darkness and the brokenness of an alcoholic. And it's a 12 step pioneered by Alcoholics Anonymous in 1939. And I got cold chills and I got tears in my eyes because before I found Alcoholics Anonymous, I had no hope.

I put the L in lonely.

I was afraid of the dark

and my life was broken. I lived a basically broken life until I found you,

and that little line has always had a lot of meaning to me. So without further ado, let's ask God in this meeting and I'll tell you my story.

Thank you. I want to split this up half and half. They say you got to get the AA by 830 man, are you not doing good?

They don't. Let us tell. One hour drug logs in Dallas, TX. Get it done. You know,

I'm always amazed at what it gets out of my mouth first. There's so much going on up here, but let me say this, I like to go and start at the beginning and try to end up at the end. That's kind of simple. This is a very simple program, and I came from what they're calling out there, a really basic dysfunctional family. But I don't use that word dysfunctional too much because it ain't. You don't get there enough.

Bizarre

would be another good word, but it don't reach for me so I don't really basically use it. So let me tell you about a little bit about where I came from. I'm the second of ten kids. I was raised in the state of Kentucky. I was raised by a woman that left home when she was 15 years old. She started having children when she was 16 years old.

She had me when she was 17. I'm the second child and she went on to have ten children. She had a basic flaw,

interpersonality,

and that was no guys that rang around. I'm trying to be nice.

And so I never knew who my father was, and I grew up in a little place called Clarksdale Housing Projects, and I kind of just grew up.

Let me tell you a little bit about what that was like. As a little bitty boy, I never knew what I was supposed to do around people.

And I came from an environment that was kind of tough and I found out that there are environmental aspects of alcoholism.

And so if you were a nice little old lady, I'd be the sweetest little kid you'd seen that week. You know, if you were a real gorgeous little girl, I'd be hips licking cool. And if you want to tough guys, I'd swell up. Talk about I've been kicking us all week this week because I didn't know what I come out the door. If you were a tough guy, if you were going to knock me down or put your arm around me and then every now and then I'd get around four or five of y'all at the same time. I'd down there have a nervous breakdown,

you know, and another thing about my life is I never could tell the truth when I was a kid.

I such a ugly, crazy kind of the truth was I was always lied and made it look a little better. You know, I always,

and in fact, I go tell people my father was a baseball player if they don't know who I was, you know, things like that.

Umm. The next thing I remember

that's real basic was that I was real poor

and it affected me in a in a kind of strange kind of way.

The thing I remember about my childhood was looking at pretty girls and thinking they could see all the way down through my soul and they could see that I stuck cardboard in my shoes because I had holes in my shoes.

Remember carrying a peanut butter to sandwich to school because I didn't want to take those damn lunch tickets at they gave me. I will walk through the line and they would hand me and I'll have a lunch ticket and everybody would be giving money and and stuff in front of me and I'd give them this pink lunch ticket. I think one year it was blue

and,

and it made me different.

I don't remember a whole lot about my childhood. I remember that I was basically lonely. I didn't get along with my brothers and sisters. Always wanted your mother, your dad, your brother, your sister, you know, And

so I got to be about, you know, you and I do that. We look up one day. We're 15 years old. We're 14 years old. I got to be about 13 years old. And this is going to be an awesome part of my history. I looked across the room and there she was. And I said to myself, what do I do now? the Rockets are going off. The light bulbs are flashing in my head. You know

what I do now?

And so I went home and tattooed her name on my leg.

Her name is Georgetta. I tattooed her right down here.

I had born to lose tattooed over here.

And so that's How I Met my girlfriend Georgetta.

And Georgetta got and I got between these two houses. And her father was kind of crazy. Her father worked night work. And when it got dark, we started kissing. And we just kissed for about 3 years. That's all I remember about Georgettes. We kissed for a long, long time.

But what I would do is I would go and break up with Georgetta about every three or four weeks because that's what you did. Where I came from. You let those

girls know who's running the show.

One day I went back and I the thing that was significant in this relationship was this old junk ring. And when I had it, it was cool. When she had it had about a pound of tape underneath it. You know, I tear that tape off. And one day I took the ring back and I said, here's the ring, baby. And she said these words. It's over.

I went, my God, what I do now.

One of my buddies told me you better go get Georgetta. So and so is making a run on her now. So and so had a 49 Ford and I had a 58 Schwinn.

So you and I know who won that deal, though I couldn't, I couldn't make, I couldn't make an attempt. Because you see, I'm one of those people that's always comparing and I'm usually down here and I'm not going to be able to make a make that happen.

That's not going to be good. And so the thing that I can report to you is the 1st

significant relationship that I was ever in that had any and you know, you know, hell, this ain't the Lions Club. You know, that's the only thing that matters to us is that boy, girl stuff in the beginning.

And I wish I remember, I wish one day I thought, my God, when I say, hey, baby, don't go, you know, but but I grew out of an environment where I was going to be a real man and you never real men do not ask for help. Real men do not, do not do things like that.

And I walked away from that relationship, the thing that was going to happen in my life. Because of that, and because of the pain and the agony and the abandonment, if that's the right word, I've really felt abandoned,

was that I was always going to have a backup

and all my relationships until I came to Alcoholics Anonymous 27 years later, I always had somebody waiting in the wings in case this didn't work out because I could never, ever, ever go through that pain again.

In the beginning of the book, Silkworm says you and I drink for the effect of it. I love the doctor's opinion.

You see, when I found Alcoholics Anonymous, I always thought I was a bad person. I always been taught that I was different that I've, and I'll tell you what, after you hear my story, you see where I live that out if I'm bad, OK, I'll show you what bad really is. And so I started drinking as a 12 or 13 year old kid to take away the pain. And the reason that I knew that I drank to take away the pain was because in the beginning I hold my nose a direct crap

because I damn sure didn't like the way it tasted. Especially Thunderbird wine.

Not a good choice of drinks.

I quit school when I was 15 years old. I got a job as an errand boy in a dental laboratory. I started delivering False Teeth

put me together a rock'n'roll band when I was 16. I sang in a band for about 5 years and

I met her again when I was about 17 and her name was Ethel and I was singing in a band. So I don't got to go tattoo her name on me now. You know, I mean she kind of liked me and I kind of liked her. So we got married and we got married basically to get out of these houses projects because I had moved from housing project to housing project. And now my third set, man, I want to get out of these ten places.

And

we started having children right away. I remember in the beginning we were going to have three kids. We're going to get that little house with the picket fence. And I was going to do what I saw all these other people doing. You know, I was going to be a real man. I'm going to get me a job and be a husband, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. And I'm going to do this right And,

and, and lo and behold, by the time I was 18/19/20 years old, I was a full blown alcoholic doing major amounts of drugs because I came out of an environment where we started sticking needles in it when we were teenagers. And my relationship with my wife was going downhill. And I ended up having three children. Their names are Dory PD and Melissa. And I remember that

my life was a mess.

I could not understand why I couldn't do what other people did.

Mega Long story short, I started going to prison in the late 60s and early early 70s. I went to prison the first time for. When did I go to prison? First time for

writing those hot checks. Hot checks, government checks, you know, you get them out of mailboxes. And so I, I got a three-year sentence and I went to prison and I didn't like jail. So I escaped from jail. You and I do things like that. You know, we don't ever think about what's going to happen.

If I could undo anything in my life, one of those things would be that I got to prison. And now I want to be a good husband. Now. I want to be a good father now really miss my kids. You know, I really miss my wife. And so I want to be this thing that I've never been. So I'm writing these letters and talking about how this is how I'm going to do it.

It's your House of the picket fence. Make sure all the kids go to college

and when I get out, I'm going to do this and I'm going to do this and I'm going to do. She must not have went for it because I didn't get any letters back.

I I've been in prison for about

17 months.

I had one of those things that happens to you and I that changes our lives forever and ever

call me to the chaplain's office. And the chaplain said Mr. Daniels has been a terrible tragedy in Louisville, KY. They found your wife and she's been murdered. It's an unsolved murder. You have this, you have this escape on your jacket. We're not going to let you go to the funeral. I can report to you in my 14th year sobriety that that's probably one of the greatest things ever happened to me, that they didn't let me go to that funeral.

I started having letter writing deals going on with these three little children that no longer had a mother that was talking to psychiatrists and writing these children letters about how I'm going to be a good father. I'm going to make sure you go to college. I'm going to make sure I keep all of us together when I get out of this mess, and on and on and on and on. And I meant every word of it

over 2 days.

And Tom and I were discussing this, you know, when you really, really, really bottom out. And our founder talks about it on the last page of the 12 and 12 says when you really bottom out and you have to bottom out for this deal to happen, there's something major that happens to you. And that is you begin to hear with dying years.

And I'm two days sovereign as a man touched me on this shoulder. I call them angels. And he said, hey, man, he said, you know that everything you did before you got here was the best you could do. And if you could have done it any different, you would have. And I started crying because I knew this man told me one of the most awesome truths about my life, about you and I, and that is that everything we've done before we get here is the best we can do. I got out of prison in 1972

and I went to see my little children,

but my little children were raised by my in laws

got through. You and I are also the only people that can look at somebody, tell what they're thinking.

I'm looking at these in laws and these in laws are saying back to me, had you been a real man, our sister would still be alive today

and the only thing to protect that ugly hole out of my gut was massive amounts of alcohol and drugs. Well, back to prison again for burglary. Got a two year sentence for burglary. I got out of prison after doing that stint and I and I went to prison the third time and, and I'd get out of prison and I'd go to my wifes grave and I'd ball and I'd cry and I'd talk about how I'd like to trade places with you.

And so I got out of prison the second time. I went to prison the third time for armed robbery on a bunch of drug stores. I got out of prison in 1979 after doing five years in prison. Now I got a major thing going on inside of me. I have this awesome dilemma. I keep ending up in the penitentiary and don't know how I get there.

It's kind of funny after the fact, you know? And so this is this is this is what you know,

you know, it says in the book that self knowledge avails us nothing. I always thought that I'd get something in my head didn't make things different. So this is what I decided to do. Somebody said to me one time, you need to be a real man. Quit shooting that stuff, man, and just smoke it and drink it and snort it and

hell, it sounds like a hell of a deal to me, man. This is what a real man ought to do, I guess. So that's what I did. Now one of the days in my life is I used to go and tell people that I was a dental technician and by the time they found out I wouldn't, I learned a little bit more.

And one time I got a job when I was on escape from jail and I went and told this guy in Columbus, OH, I said I'm a girl Turk Mission, you know, we said took her little chins down telling lies. It will come on work for me for a couple weeks. I went to work for he said, look, man, I don't care what you tell people you are, but we're going to pay you minimum wage. So they knew what I was. I was a phony.

I got out of prison and I went and found a job in a dental laboratory

and I told those cows a dump technician.

He said work for me couple days, I work for him for a couple days and he gave me a job making $5.00 an hour in 1979. He said sorry, you know what? He said I never, never will forget this. He said you know what,

you got potential, he says. You know what potential means. That means you ain't done it yet.

So this is what I did. You and I go on these missions. I quit shooting drugs, started drinking vodka because this old man that I work with and I, I never had a father. So I take these older people on kind of like her father stuff. I just love this guy. So he drank vodka. So I drank vodka. What do you drink? Whatever you're drinking.

And I started drinking this vodka at the end of a period of 17 months. I was drinking 2 quarts of vodka a day. I got four DWI in 22 days and I went to the penitentiary the 4th time for being a drunk. Now I was just a stick up man. Now I'm a drunk, you know. But you know what?

I was not an alcoholic. My luck was just a little bad.

2 quarts of vodka today. Not an alcoholic. Major symptom besides the alcohols denial.

Got out of prison March the 16th, 1981

got a younger brother in Dallas, TX. And the thing I know is I got to get out of Dodge. I got to get out of Louisville. I keep going to prison there. You know one of the first things I heard also too is you and I take these geographics. I went Oh my God. So I got a younger brother in Dallas, TX. Now I'm, I've been locked up four times, about 12 years, just about 12 years of my life. And I'm thinking.

I'm going to spend the rest of my life in here because my dilemma was that I did not know what was put me in prison.

So this is what I did. I got a younger brother in Dallas, TX. I'm going to go down there and you know, I think the problem is the felonies. If I quit doing the felonies, I quit going to prison. Okay so I'm going to go to Dallas TX and just do misdemeanors.

Got to Dallas TX, met a girl, she took me to a concert so we moved in together. My kind of girl,

I had $1000. So you know what I did? I bought me a leather jacket, some alligator shoes, you know, clean this outside of Buddy. That's all that matters. And when I wasn't looking good, I wasn't feeling good. When told the guy was a Dell technician,

he hired me.

Do I hired me.

He had a little lab he was putting together. He said I'm starting a new lab and I had to I was I had this yellow pad. I was taking notes. You and I do that I was taking these notes. He said can you set up teeth? You bet

we're going to make me a full upper denture. Well, what, he didn't know. I put him together a full upper denture, about 20 minutes because I was loaded with that Texas crank man. I was flying

and all this guy could see was these dollar signs, you know? Well, to make a Long story short, when a very short period of time I could tell you the difference between a felony and a misdemeanor.

And I got worse and I got worse and I got worse and I got worse.

early May 1982, I lost my job. I lost my girlfriend,

I wrecked a car. My brother gave me this SO 71 Maverick.

And my dilemma, my Garland, my cross, was that I knew I was going to prison for the rest of my life and I did not know how to stop it.

That was what was in my heart.

This is kind of a bizarre story, but it's the truth. So, you know, we have to tell this stuff. Little voices inside. So don't give up. Don't give up, man. Don't give up. She's out there. She'll save you. You see, I always thought that you women had the power to save me, could fix me. Yeah. And little boy inside said, yeah. Man United and Shining Armor still out there.

So this is what I decided to do. I decided to go run, get my body back together like it was when I got out of prison, when I lift weights and the girls were waiting on me, you know, and what I did realize is that I was a 40 year old man. And it looks like I was about a 60 year old man.

But see, you and I have this thing in us called We're survivors.

And this is a little last mission I was going to go on before I found you.

And I found this field on Greenville Ave. in Dallas, TX. I still go by there. There's a shopping center there and stuff, but I can go by there and picture what it was like the day I was there with the sun shining down into the Meadow behind it with the trees around it

had about 6 beers and it was really important that I got a headband, running shorts and some tennis shoes. I ended up with a pair of tennis shoes, ragged as a can of crowd. I don't know where I got them, but see, I was going to run. I'm on a mission on a we'll find her and she's going to save my life.

I started running around this field and I broke down on the ground and I started bawling and I started crying and I started cussing God. I said, God, of all the people to do this to, why have you chose me to do what you've done to me? And I started naming them up. I said, you never gave me a father. You made me poor. You killed my wife. You kept me locked up all my life. What do you want from me?

One of my favorite lines in our literature is this,

says. The great fact for us is we have had deep and effective spiritual experiences that have changed our whole outlook.

And I just had my first one. I crawled up off that ground and something was different. You know, there was just something different. Two days later. I'm not going on the doors. Alcoholics Anonymous at the Alpha Group,

Webb's Chapel and Northwest Highway. I remember all that piece of glass in the door and had a piece of paper stuck up in there and it said only 12 steps to go. You know what I said? I said how damn he must be holding on the route

and I walked up those steps

and my life has not been the same since the great miracle happened for me because I had reached that place where I was able to listen and the miracle came alive for me right away.

Umm, two things I'll share with you that thing that Bill Wilson talked about that if you bought them out, you get to hear with dying ears. Or years later I'm going to discover a monk named Thomas Merton when I was about three years sober. And, and one of the things I do today is I go back east and hang out in monasteries

for relaxation. I just love be around those guys.

And Thomas Merton says the word is called fire, not only because it gives light, but especially because it ignites.

And I will hear those miracles come out of your mouth like we're all God's kids. If one of us ain't, none of us are. And I say, man, I'm in on that one because I always felt like I was a step kid.

You don't got to live like that anymore.

Take it till you make it. Hell, I've been doing that all my life. I know that works

you and I know thank you till you make it work.

How to? God said one day he said, you know what? We can get a list of 10 things about the answer to our problem. We'll guess it which one it is.

I got a sponsor,

somebody said, hey man, your best thinking got you here. I realized that my best thinking had me sleeping in a 71 Maverick

at 3 miracles. Happened to me when I first drove up.

I'll tell you about why I think it was the first one is because it mattered so much. You see, Alcoholics Anonymous turned me from a tramp into a businessman in two days,

and that's kind of heavy, you know? And it did it on three little principles that I learned in the program.

The first line I heard in here was somebody said, you know, the only thing you need to do to be a businessman is to have a customer. I said, I'll be damned. They just put me in business

because there was a young dentist that saw how fast I made these dentures. He was a rookie and he wanted, he said if you ever want to do my work, come get it. So I showed up and I got his work.

I went from making $10 a denture to about $100 a denture. I thought, man, Jesse James used a gun

and I built my little dental laboratory on three principles that I learned in Alcoholics Anonymous.

Thank you. Till you make it. Repetition strengthens and confirms and I think the big daddy of all the principles here, and that is to be willing to go to any lengths to make it work.

And day by day by day by day. I built that. I can remember, John, this, this just comes to mind. My first year of business I made about $1400

and I don't know about you, but I if you live the life I've lived, see I have got in touch with the fact that I have always suffered from a welfare mentality. I think one of the greatest things you ever taught me was to be self supporting to my own contribution. It was the beginning of self esteem for me.

From June until December, I went up and I found these people and she was, she was an accountant. And I had my little step in a little brown bag, my receipts and I'm telling her, she said well, you know you're in trouble, son said you know you don't owe any taxes. I said, well, do I get anything back? And John, I said, man, that's welfare. Hell, you don't get nothing back. Government ain't supposed to take care of you,

you see. I always thought somebody's supposed to take care of me.

You know, I still got brothers and sisters that think that.

So I'm a businessman. Can you imagine what it's like to be an Alcoholic Anonymous and have lived the life I've lived? And now in two or three days, I'm a businessman. You know why? Because I got a customer, got this, you know, I'm a businessman. The next thing that happened to me

was that I got this awesome struggle going inside of me. You know,

usually when I go do this around younger people, I tell them how long I've been sober and I say, and that's the truth because you see, I didn't believe you sober as long as you said you were when I got here, thought she was lying about it because I'm comparing what's going on inside of me with you and I. There's no way possible you can live for 10 years with this animal inside of you. But I hear God say, hey man, I got eight days. I say, my God, now how'd you do that? That's the guys I hang around with in

the guys that had four days and seven days and then I'm sitting in a meeting one day and one of the great miracles happened for me and and and it's it's probably 1 of it is one of the greatest miracles of my life. Heard a guy say if you're struggling with the phenomenon of craving other my God, man, he said here's what we do.

So we get on our knees and ask God to keep us sober and we get our knees at night and thank him. This is the exact scenario in the same words. I'm, you know, I got to use them little voice over here. I'm saying little voice said, man, you going to go for some weak shit like that that fast. Another little boy said, man, you've gone for weaker shit than that. You better try that one. Two or three days sober, 4-5 days sober. These drunks,

it got me hiding in my closet,

locking myself in, filling station bathrooms

and getting on my knees and asking a God I didn't even believe in to keep me sober and then find a place at night to thank him.

Week or 10 days later I'm standing. All of a sudden I got that, Glow

said. Something's different, there's something different. And I realized that thing they call the phenomenon of Craving have been snatched all the way out of me and I didn't even know it was gone.

And when you got miracles like that going on in your life, you know the power of alcoholic synonymous. You see, I learned an alcoholic when I got here.

Other history? Cool drug addict

and I shot this stuff too, man. I robbed drug stores. I was a tough guy

and they started saying things like I heard my friend Tom say. They say, hey man, won't you look for the similarities?

And I can remember the day the great miracle happened for me,

and that's when I sat in the chair and uttered these words. My name is Jimmy Daniels, and I'm an alcoholic. And when I quit drinking alcohol, all the other stuff stopped. You see, I had a problem with it. I couldn't go. I said one time I said, you mean I can't have one beer? Everybody said no, that's right.

I had a problem with that. I'm still with three or four days and and I called my sponsor. I said I'm out of here.

I said another one of those miracles that happened. Just I thought I'm out of here. This, this program, I can't do it. I said, you know, y'all are too sweet and nice and honest. And I said, plus I can't go the rest of my life without drinking and drugging and and the girls and all that. You know, I I can't do it. He said those words that that changes our lives, that that has changed minds since the day. So he says, you know, you don't have to go the rest of your life. He said we just do this deal

one day at a time and he went Bing, Bing.

And I've never been the same. You know, it's like somebody stuck a rocket up my butt.

Now, here was one of the miracles. This is this is such a bizarre story, but usually I hear people going like back here going like this. You see, I never heard a word about a higher tire because I always had one and it wore a dress.

It wore a dress. I got two knives back here. Thank you

when I come to our office anonymous whether whether they also was it's hard to find God

when you're sleeping with her. My God

and you know when I come to Dallas, I miss this actor. I used to call people and I said hey man, I got an actress. They say, oh really she any movies? No man, she's an unemployed actor she but I couldn't get over the fact that I had an actress me, you know nobody. This girl went to college. She likes me,

you know, and she left me.

So there's a hell of a difference between the being the lefty and the left door, you know? I've left a lot of women, but you know, and that and that hole in my gut, you know, and I would have done anything. Get her back.

One of the reasons I got here wanted her back, but I ended up staying for the big reason and that is for myself.

My sponsor one day said thank God for these sponsors. My sponsor said what's going on with you?

I said, oh man, nothing man. I'm a real man. I was going nuts.

That's the third day I called him. He said, hey man, he said you may want to start sponsoring me because I ain't doing so good. I thought, man, this conversation ain't supposed to be going this way. He said what's going on with you? I said and the voices, John know the voices. Don't you tell that grown real man you love that girl. You see, another is a great miracles that I call it synonymous was that I never was able to tell anybody the truth before I got here about what was really going on,

especially the girls. I remember I got married just I got married just because I was going to prison the the third time and I knew the woman would take care of me. Hell of a good reason to get married,

I think. I fell in love to the best of my ability. I fell in love with the visits, the cigarettes, the money, the clothes, you know, And then I got to serve out, you know, and this woman had said, hey, I love you forever. We'll love forever. Turned out to be 11 months,

and she left, and I thought I was going to die. And my brother, I walked around for three years with a walking nervous breakdown. Anybody had one? She's had one. Yeah. And that is one of those things where you know if you snap, you'll never get back.

I was dying

and my sponsor said what's going on with you? And the voices said tell him I went,

I wrote this girl, man, she's got a boyfriend or dude and I'm dying. I know it's killing me, man. I think I want to. And it's the first time I've ever told the truth to another guy about women.

What he said. That's great, man. That's wonderful. Everybody gets here like that. They didn't want to get rid of somebody or get somebody back. Now here's what you do,

he said. Here's what you do, man. Pray for her. And boy, that was at my

to her. I'm dying,

I'm lonely dying. Y'all know what she's doing and I'm going to pray for hell. I need the prayers. They need to be praying for me. Couldn't do it, couldn't do it. I was thinking fast

either or I'm going to do you know, I had prayed to have a crave and snatched out of me. And the only thing I know is that that had worked and it's one day it got so bad. The other prayer that I call it synonymous, taught me was somebody said if you got something going on in your head and you won't, you want to get rid of it. Ask God to take it.

This woman loved Kenny Loggins. I hated him. She made me hate him. I didn't even know him and I hated him. One day I fell on my knees and I said, God give her Kenny Loggins.

And I got better and I got better and I got better. And all day long in my early sobriety, my prayers were very simple. God take it, God take it, God take it. God take it, God take it, God take it. Because everything going on in my head was not nice.

God give a Kenny love with God give her Kenny love is God give her Kenny love is God take it. God take it. God take it. God take it, God take it.

Two weeks later I looked up

and it was almost gone.

That thing, that ugly thing that happens between people that's not healthy, had been a race for me to where I could work, I could live out here. You know, this is the only way I know to share it with you is that I went to prison four times with those crazy kind of relationships. Three of the women I never got to see again. What's major loneliness?

And I'll come to alcohol. It's anonymous. In a week's time I'm starting to heal to where I'm going to be able to live amongst you.

They told me in prison I was incorrigible. I couldn't live out here.

Thank God we don't buy that, huh?

And so the cause of those things happen. You see, I'm not even started doing these steps yet.

Not even started doing these steps yet because those things happened. I started with my sponsor working through the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.

I got stuck in a second step.

They want me tell them that's crazy,

that's what they want. They want me tell them I'm nuts. Then I got the definition for insanity.

Doing the same thing over and over and over and expecting different results.

Applied it to going to prison over and over and over and expecting different results.

Took me about a year to walk through the 12 steps about carcinomas the first time

that's stuck on Step 4

3rd column and the y'all know the columns the column. It affects our self esteem, it affects our self esteem, it affects our self esteem, it affects our self esteem, it affects our self esteem. I'm saying what self esteem? You know you never had any self esteem. How the hell you know what it is?

I think we build self esteem. I think you know, I said earlier, you know, the great miracle of alcoholic synonymous is we found out God loves us and you started loving me.

I started getting my word from you telling me, you see, I still didn't believe it. And then I would look back and see where I had gotten better and I'd gotten better and I'd gotten better. I'd gotten better.

And in a year sober, I'm one of those people that state our relationships for a year. You know why?

Because the thing going on with me is that this program don't work for me. I'm going to prison for the rest of my life and I'd rather be dead. And so I bought that stuff about not having sex and stuff. You know, I got this thing. Hell, I never had did it unless I was drinking a drug in any way, it might not work. So, you know, I'd rather not do it than go through one of those deals, you know,

and in a year or so that I looked across the room one day and there she was.

It was a guard deal.

Beware of those God deals because it turned out to be an ungod deal and for

five years I got to know how to get along. You women you know and the way you do it is you get in there and you have one of those relationships