Muscatine, Iowa

Good evening. My name is Joe. I'm an alcoholic.

They always forget when they're introducing me that that that I get to do next.

I'd like to thank the committee for inviting me,

increasing honor and privilege,

especially being invited back to the same place when we moved.

Those normally know the Latin America in my life.

I'm not talking drunk either.

At my very best. Not my best behavior Sober 14 years. It's amazing sometimes when I get invited back to the same person every month. I mean,

it's also amazing that I have friends here that I've had for a long period of time. That's not the way it was watching music.

It's amazing that there will be somebody here that calls me his sponsor and he sponsors people and he's acted in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous and has a desire to get free.

I brought a lot of people in the age of prayer and inventory in a lot of different ways,

sometimes not people away and sometimes uncomfortable ways.

Obviously five years ago at your first,

I was going to say Melan head round up.

I told Rick. I told Rick I wouldn't say that

in the Cloud City area

five, five years ago. We were in a a really beautiful room. And

actually, for those who weren't here, it was a tenth down by the river.

One thing sticks in my consciousness from that morning, from that weekend. And not only meeting Rick, but Rick made the mistake of he, he was my host And

umm, that certainly wasn't a mistake. But at lunch that we had, I think on Saturday afternoon, Rick made the mistake of asking me, could he ask me a question? And I come from a group in Santa Monica, CA, where we've been asking each other questions for about 10 years as part of our format. And I sit in my living room with Alcoholics on a regular basis who asked a lot of questions and

he made the mistake of asking me for the asking me a question. And I said, can I give you an answer?

He said yes in about 45 minutes later, he wasn't sure if he was in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous and exactly what was going on and asking to be response. And

I was told from the very beginning to look for the miracles in my life.

And I have found over the years there's a great way to miss the miracles,

as I believe there are miracles and I believe there are incidences and I believe there are accomplishing

in all an alcoholic like Dean has to do. Mr. Miracles is taking credit

and umm,

there's times when my ego tries to do that. And there are times when I absolutely realize something is happening here beyond my control, all my choices or what I think is best. And I realize the new Sometimes I realize just sitting quietly in a chair or on the floor. Sometimes I realize that just the next exhale

is an amazing note. Just the next breath.

And sometimes I'm fortunate enough to give it, to be given an experience where I realized something that's even closer than there,

even closer than minus, where even closer than my next thought, closer than my next emotion,

closer than anyone I've ever had in my life.

And sometimes I'm given the awareness to realize I also have an ego that's well enough to separate me from the closest thing to me and convince me it's probably the closest anyway.

And that's what I'm understanding and I'm just. My sobriety date is August 17th 1982 and I have a serious problem.

14 years some.

And my serious problem is that I can't keep myself SO

and I haven't always been aware of it.

And there are times where I'm taking the credit and I'm in the form of denial that a lot of people don't want to talk about. And I know that I'm no more different, especially better than any other alcoholic in this room. And I have some friends, thank God, who are willing to talk about this time tonight.

And it's when I'm taking the credit for a gift and undeserved.

It's a very subtle form of denial, and it's stronger than the denial I came here with, the denial that we do talk about Iran.

You know the only disease that tells you you don't have them?

The denial of a disease of alcoholism.

I got past most of that a long time ago,

saw that I really do have this thing.

It's different having an idea that you're alcoholic from stuff you learned in 10 treatment centers,

and having a full concession to your innermost self of what it means to say you're alcoholic and do one.

I'm not sure if that's a very pleasant thing to find out.

And I've met people and Alcoholics Anonymous, myself included, who have taken long periods of time saying that they're alcoholic and having not a flu, what it means to admit that to their animal self. Because there are two experiences that are like night and day.

And at 7 years, the first time I woke up to this kind of denial. And at 9 years when I saw it again, in 11 years when I saw it again, in 15 years when I saw it again. And

quite subtle form. Sometimes it's not so subtle and

it was shocking to me, a guy who thinks that he's pretty awake most of the time, find out just how asleep that I can be.

And that denial is. You've all heard it before. Somebody will get up and share a birthday. I don't know what they do here on birthdays, but in Southern California, you'll get up to take a take and somebody in the back of the room will say, and it's real subtle. Someone will say

how'd you do it?

And your ego will go, excuse me?

And they'll go, how did you do it? And you'll say, well, my name is Joe and I'm an alcoholic, and that means I'm powerless over alcohol

and my life is unmanageable. And then you'll spend about 10 or 15 minutes telling them how you keep yourself sober and manage your life.

And I'm in the absolute denial of diversity,

taking the credit for three undeserved gifts. And I missed the merger

because it's just one more accomplishment in a long line of accomplishments that Joe Hawkins pulled off

because I didn't miss the most important thing anymore.

Sometimes I think, well, something that happened last week was just a coincidence.

But an alcoholic like me says it was a coincidence and God wants to remain anonymous. He doesn't mean God wants to remain anonymous. He means if he wants to take the president.

I don't believe God wants to remain anonymous.

I believe my third step decision and my third step prayer on a daily basis is about bearing witness to what He has done with His power and His love and the way of life that I've been dealing with.

But I have an ego that wants to write it off as old, you know, my, my little buddy HP group

me out a little here and a little there and forgetting.

I think it's kind of funny an alcoholic like me would sit around wondering whether he should turn his will in his life over to that which gave him both in the first place

and after the kind of life that I've had to actually sit around with guys like this and debate. Now let me see here

am I really polished over alcohol

and let me let me think about this now is my life.

You mean like it's really unmentioned. I have this, 20 years of devastation and I'm going to sit around wondering only an alcoholic like me to do something.

I don't have a tie on tonight.

Five years ago I wore one because Dick Martin scared and

out of respect, I want one

now. It's five years later and he's not here

one time. I wore one tonight. This is the night I learned the difference between humiliation and humility. I wore one and I went in the bathroom to get rid of skirts and I got down on my knees and I said a prayer and I woke up in my tithe and resting in the urinal. And

I learned the difference between humiliation and humility. And I think humility was when I got down and humiliation was when I got up.

I never won one since.

Based practices on Alcoholics in Denver and a place called Raleigh Road and they said you really ought to go there because they they teach you to not drink by shooting. And I said no, that was just a big part of my drinking. I don't think that was any good.

I'm also well aware you can't get from where I was 14 years ago on your own college.

Matter of fact, I'm well aware you can't get the more I was 48 hours ago. See here on your own house.

So I have to tell you a little bit about where I was 48 hours ago. Where I was working years ago. I used to take my grandpa log. Wasn't very important

and it wasn't for me to find that. Why not at home? Because the drama of where my drinking, cooking does not join me for most of you. And isn't it interesting And isn't it typical that my ego was using the things that separate me from you to join me through you? Because my ego doesn't want me to join you, doesn't want me to join you. So it was using everything that I can use to eat separate from you,

with a strong desire in my heart to be connected to. That's all I ever really informed. All I've ever really had wanted is to be connected

to myself, my fuselage,

to God, and to you. That's all I've ever won and that's all I still want

and I'm no longer interested in the things that separate me.

But I did find out not too long ago. It's important for me to share the miracle of my life and how I see that miracle of where I was and where I am and the fact that I can't get myself and where I was where I am. And it's important to me to share some of that with you. But it has nothing to do with why I'm alcoholic. I can tell you why an alcoholic. I'm alcoholic because when I start drinking alcohol, I can't control alcohol and I get a physical craving for more alcohol.

And every alcoholic that's in this room has been.

And I also have a mind that takes me back to alcohol over and over and over and over. And I could talk to you for a week about how that is true in my drinking,

and that's not so fair. It's so scary to look back at if there's something I can do about it now to keep myself in that first drink.

But it's because of people like you.

Cindy, I'm very glad to see you

rock. Ed and Rick and Joe, the people here that I know that remind me on a regular basis to look back at my experience and realize

I can't keep myself when you push them. And once in a while, here and there, you find a friend that will also remind you that.

Once in a while you'll find some people in this program that will try to convince you that they can keep you from the first thing, and that's why

you should want that. They have,

and I'm glad to have songs through all these years who's well aware of that. He keeps turning, turning me back to

something that's already working on it.

Isn't it amazing? And Alcoholics like me, all it has to be brought to on a regular basis is the realization of something that's already there. And

thank God that that's something that's already there, doesn't care whether I give it credit or realize that it's there to work

is if I was dealing with a God that needed to be given the credit, I would have been drunk a long time ago because I started taking credit just past 30 days.

In 30 days I knew I could do.

I had done 30 days several times, but I had never made it 31 days

in 18 years

in 10 treatment centers in the Michigan State Penitentiary and several other jails. As a therapist in the treatment center, I drink. I drink. That's what I do. I

for the guy not too long ago where I got sober in Denver, Co and he said that in a very calm and peaceful way. He said 35 years sober, he does not care what anybody in the world thinks about what he does. He's been looking alcoholism and he said, you know why? He says they're not the ones that are doing it. And

I also have prompt you a big chunk of stuff in the last couple years where I absolutely do not know what anybody in Alcoholics Anonymous needs to do.

Any of you that have no emails. We've got some big shift for me, just for a long time, I actually thought I knew what people and Alcoholics and I should do or nothing. I don't even know what the people would ask me for help should be

because I don't believe it's anything done what I have. So how can I show them what to do? I can only show my experience with the process that is taking me to the realization there's nothing I've done if

I'm at a point in my life and just.

That's just the way it is right now at this time and and really beneficial.

I'm very close to my sponsor and a couple guys and

I've heard one of these all. The interesting thing about that is that one of the most interesting things I've ever read in the stories in the back of the book written by a woman, I think the title of her story is even times any resolution. She called her story promote,

but being called a chronic alcohol was a for her

at the end of her story she says One of the most things I've ever heard in any of this offices.

You might check that out.

Another woman I heard not too long ago said that on a regular basis she's been taken to a place and Alcoholics Anonymous, just a very fortunate place. And that very fortunate place is when he realizes there's absolutely nothing you can do about this and she's going to turn to seeking a legal relationship with that, which already isn't something.

And I get reminded and I get well packed and I get moved from knee being the solution.

What I'm going to do

have this terrible problem that keeps me always focused on it

to realizing there's nothing I can do. And then I'm shifted to seeking that which can. And I go from being solution to the one with a very serious problem

is as long as there's anything I can do

in that unfortunate place where they think there's something they can do about it

screwed up on their own.

And I think that's what a lot of this has been was a, an illuminating,

the next option is made from what I always was

as I look for it in this and it brought me to this and I look for it in this and brought me to this.

And then I started spending a long period of time Alcoholics Anonymous eliminating everything that's between me and this thing. So just what they wants me to be close to it

and I would try this stuff and try a little bit. It would be her and then it would be this money and slowly

options. All those alternatives bring me back to that. There's really

alcoholic death,

which isn't pretty and it usually isn't quick

live on a spiritual basis, and those are not easy alternatives to face. We'll still have some others

pays for me when I

oh, I'll be good one.

I'm a failure guy in alcoholic death.

I feel that those are successful at 9. Alcoholic deaths aren't here tonight.

Those of us here tonight are the ones that have tailed ass

girls success.

I was supposed to have myself with that.

About 5 people who would be worshiping me

see this.

Some of you aware of those? I think it's in the chapter to the Wise. They describe poor Alcoholics. Type #1, type #2, type #3, type #4. Now type #1.

He's got this left and this left, little this and type #2

showing up here.

He's starting to show up at places.

Type #4.

Isn't it interesting that they say in our book that type #4 has a better chance of this program than type #1?

Now why is this?

The logical mind

person who doesn't suffer from lack of power would probably say

thank God it doesn't make any sense.

Right.

Those people that can have a drink

and half

and 350 feet away from the restaurant way down there, it's not the drink that loves.

If that guy left way

it bothers me.

I can't relate to him leaving him

like my mom. She says things like I said,

and they think, thank God, our spiritual principles don't make any sense.

I don't understand.

It's great to be in a relationship with an unhealthy Alina for a little while, for a little while,

two, 2 1/2 years,

because at least you both love the same.

Sometimes you both love the same person.

I think part of this story should be told because she's not here and she can't tell.

But I was in love with a lady.

God's bill #3

Nanette, who came to our group 9 1/2 years,

she was a little off and she wasn't real connected and she didn't have that feeling that you and I have, like, you know, I'm home. She didn't have that,

and she had never sponsored anybody

by the grocery blog.

She loved being around, she loved his house. She

she loved me

and I loved her.

She sat down with a woman in our group

that has what she wants

for the wrong reason. They started going through the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, and about four weeks later she comes back to this woman's house and she says I need to tell you something.

That increases from our end.

Somebody wanting to be around me, I can't comprehend it.

And she goes through the steps and she finds her program.

She has a strong Al Anon sponsor, Bernard,

she feels.

Brian has only been in our group since day six and Brian doesn't know anymore. He just doesn't know anymore. He doesn't have any old ideas about who you think he is. Man doesn't care about Sweden. He has no reputation to these things and Brian just asked anybody anything. He doesn't care.

He really did

got nothing to lose. It has absolutely nothing to lose. That's just a really big ego.

So he says, let me ask you a question. He says I don't understand this physical crazy for an alcoholic. She says you don't need to, it's not your problem. I don't understand yours either,

she said. I don't need to understand your physical trading. It's not my problem, he says. Well then let me ask you, why do so many of you

end up in alcohol synonyms? And she looks at him with this look like you big dummy. And she says, what would you do to stay in the hall with a free town?

I don't understand it, but I got it,

she said. You didn't do the work with me individuals and have them legal and hang out with the guys and

she got to get free, she got to get help

and the program she belongs.

She doesn't need that anymore

from Alcoholics.

She found it from something much stronger.

A really tough Allen on sponsor. No, not really. That's like a joke about the Al Anon Vulcan

tomorrow. The story is you have to be careful for what you friends want because you also have to be careful for what they care.

This is probably dangerous because bogus. So I'll I'll be careful with this. Alan on golfer out on the course drives the ball in the woods. She goes to look for it. I'll come behind the tree pops up enough of him I can't do the voice, but he comes out from behind the tree and he says today's your lucky day. You get 3 wishes. She says great. She says, look, there's one little pet. He says, what's that? He says, well, your husband's going to get 10 times whatever you.

She gets that little Alan on gleam in her eyes and she says no problem.

He says, what's your first wish? She says every shot I ever make on every golf course be great. He says granted of your husband's going to be 10 times better. He says no problem.

He says what's the next verse? She says $1,000,000 cash. He says granted, but you know your husband's gonna get 10 million. She says no problem. He says what's your next wish? She says, well, I'd like him to have just a little teeny heart of him.

Well, I'd like to have just a little.

I've been listening to a guy lately

have to do with that story about the

and how type #4 who's out of hope has more of a chance,

some options and simple for them, that other kind of hope. And he's been talking to me about two kinds of hope. He's been talking to me about that kind of hope that works for those people out there that you and I don't understand, that don't have lack of power. Those people that have power, there are people with power. They don't sell 300 million self help books a year because self help doesn't work. It just doesn't work for us.

You know, those people that can hear an inspirational message or read an idea and self help book and go home and say, honey, I realized that This is why I do this. And if I just start doing this, I'll be able to be like this. And all I have to do is hear an inspirational message grounded in something they can do about problem XY or Z. And they just with that great awareness that they've never heard before, they just start doing XY and Z about AB and C

and that's kind of an inspirational message looks for him, he said. Why do you think that kind of an inspirational message? You know the messages that are drowning in something you can do on your own.

Nothing like making amends to someone in a a that doesn't know what it means to be alcoholic. And you make amends. And they say when you ask them what you could do in the future, they say don't ever lie again.

Yeah, right.

I'll never lie again. Ever.

And you just broke the announce. You just lied again.

And he said he did a great inspirational message. You know, one of those things, you hear some guy get you all pumped up about what you're going to do about this problem, and you go home and you're all pumped up with this false hope, that false hope that works for those people out there. And then five to six weeks later, you find yourself back in the start of 18. And it says it always goes from Pope to fear, from hope to fear.

So I think that's the whole

so you need. Hope comes from no hope.

As long as there's any hope of anything I can do, why would I turn to something else more powerful than me? If I have the power to take care of anyone, why would I turn to something more powerful than me? Why would I turn to a solution if I am listening to you?

It would just be a nice virtuous thing to maybe do in some

I really need.

Let me tell you what I'm going to go do.

That's like the story my sponsor told me about sponsorship. That story I've ever heard on sponsorship.

A guy and his sponsor are walking down the road. In our group we don't use the word just

new people like me and I came in just won't need to be the means just anymore.

Don never referred to me as either of those things.

He referred to me as a friend

when you would introduce

This is my friend Joe.

That was amazing because I had lost my last score

in May 1982.

Last one I had left in the world

movie since I was seven years old. Left me on street corner in Denver, Co and said I don't even want to see you.

You ruined my life. I was engaged to a girl that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I told you you could come here from Key West, FL and you just couldn't drink.

Because of you, I've lost her. I don't ever want to see you in this.

First time down ever. Called me a friend.

I was three years old and we were driving from Denver to the International Montreal in 1985

in a in a Winnebago with him and his wife and his kids and me and my fiance. God's will #1.

And about 350 miles down the road, Don asked me to drive.

For some of you, that wouldn't be a big deal, and it didn't seem like a big deal to me. I just got behind the wheel and I started driving. About 50 miles later, I realized this man Truth School.

And you know, it's relative to where you come from

and if people were trusting you with their families when you were drinking and giving you the other day in Sydney, Australia. That's what I meant. You can't get from where I was two days ago. I was, I was invited to go to Sydney, Australia, 2 weeks

Speaking of all snacks and my question, getting on the plane from not not in LA to Saint Louis, but that one from Saint Louis to Moline. My question was you can't get from where I was two days to go to where I am on your own power. The next question was if you had any power, why would you go to anyway?

And then I was reminded why, Because I told those people in Sydney, Australia on Tuesday morning when they were putting me on the plane that if it wasn't Rick Carter had some really good friends, I'd be calling and telling them and my friend Cindy is going to fill in on Friday night because I'm staying and I'm staying in Australia for another month.

I couldn't do that because I live a certain way today

has to do with saying what you're gonna do and then doing what you say you're gonna do. The best definition of honesty I've ever heard for an alcoholic like me, 'cause I used to say what I was gonna do or not say what I was gonna do, and then I did something totally different. Because I suffer from lack of power.

I didn't want to break my mother's heart over and over and over. I didn't want to drink and show up grumpy today at my dad's funeral. And I said to my mother, the person I love more than anybody in the world, I won't show up from my father's funeral. And I did. And I continue to break her heart.

When you forget, sometimes it's relative to where you come from.

Guy in our group, if he got up tonight, you read how it works, 90% of you would think, what's the big deal? Jaime's reading how it works. Some of you who would know where he came from would know that behind me. That is a really big deal.

Honey can't read or write.

It's an interesting little story. Jaime was born on the Exodus,

both that went from Poland to Israel. They wouldn't let him in. Hammy was going to die because his mother couldn't feed him and they were going to flush him down the toilet.

Lady Saban kept him alive until they got him into Israel. And at nine years old he was boxed in New York and just let go on the streets of New York. And he went from a millionaire three times over. He owned restaurants and grocery stores and this and that. Big time drug dealer. I knew of Honey before I ever knew Honey from a Boston, Louisiana that I heard about. I didn't know it was in until later when I met him.

He came to sponsor,

I mean went from all that, never being able to read or write to Under the Bridge is right in deep.

Unable to make it home for three years with a kid and a wife down the street.

Just couldn't get home four or five blocks.

Alcoholics Anonymous. That's not about not wanting to get home. That's about lack of power

and homies would say it was hard and it was harder to not make it home sober in those intervals when it was when he was when he was drunk, he'd really watching you would almost monkey is almost an empowered there from the news to get there anymore.

But when he didn't have a drink, he didn't even move, didn't even get close to anything.

He made it home three years later, his wife said. Now it's my turn. She sat down in a beanbag chair. And right

for several years. They get sober. They move to Los Angeles,

they hear the message of Alcoholics Anonymous, they start doing the work in the Big Book, and they have a little Indian woman sewing bags in their kitchen.

For a year or so, Shelley had the wife down in the Garment District where they rent a wall to sell these bags. Now, four years later, as a result of Alcoholics Anonymous and the Power of God, and the result of the work in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous,

Chinese in his horse Factory hasn't been down in that corner for several years. He's making tons of money,

huge payroll employees, ours, fax machines.

Honey. Still can't read or write.

I heard a story about its relative to where you come from, about a guy standing down at the coffee pot and two women are watching from over here. And one woman knows him from the streets of New York and one woman knows him from Alcoholics Anonymous. And the woman that knows him from the streets of New York knows that 25 years ago, a man walked up to this kid, not hiding, but a guy walked up to this kid that they're looking at and said blah, blah, blah about his father. And his kid just killed him, just killed him.

Now 25 years later, he's been in prison, he's come to Alcoholics Anonymous. He's five years sober. And these two women are watching him. One knows him for money, was drinking. One knows him from a A. And they watch a man walk up to him at the coffee pot and say blah, blah, blah about his father. And this kid raises his voice a little bit and gives the guy a little push. And the lady that knows him from Alcoholics Anonymous says to the other lady, how could that kid treat somebody like that? He raised his voice and he pushed him there. How could somebody do that in a A

The other lady that Moses and Pomoni was drinking goes, He's come a long way.

Sometimes I forget that from my own story, let alone yours. And where I come from is finding alcohol at an early age. And it did something for me I couldn't do for myself in a real practical manner. I can explain what that first time I drank did for me because there was a girl at that dance that I wanted to dance with and I couldn't muster up what it took to ask, let alone dance with him. And these guys said, let's go outside for a minute. There's some stuff that you can drink,

make you feel better. You'll be able to go in that dance and you'll be able to ask that little girl. And I thought, yeah, sure. Just like when I heard you people say that, God will.

And I went outside with those guys and I took a few drinks and I walked back in that gym and I had some power.

I had something doing for me what I couldn't do for myself. I walked up to that little girl and asked her to dance and it worked.

Dance, and I chase that stuff around for a long time.

By the time I was 19 years old, I was in the Michigan State Penitentiary from a family where that shouldn't have.

My grandfather was vice president of Post Cereal and then imposed toasties, lived in Battle Creek, MI. I was given everything I ever won, and I came here and I didn't have somebody seriously that some of you have. I heard people say they were alcoholic because mommy and daddy were. I heard some of you say you're alcoholic because you were deprived or depraved or because you were a different color, came from a bad neighborhood.

And this little story started to form in my mind. We hear a lot about the yes, but we don't hear much about the if onlys. And I can't be the only one that had a little if only story going on

and my story went like this. Well, if only Daddy wouldn't have been 57,

and if only see if you're alcoholic because your parents were. My parents weren't. I don't live on. The story was maybe if one of them would have been alcoholic, I wouldn't learn my lesson and I wouldn't have turned out a little bit.

Maybe if I hadn't been given everything I ever wanted, I wouldn't have turned up.

And if I would have had to work to move this hard, maybe if I hadn't gone to school with those guys does. My ego loves to see the problem on here.

My ego also loves to keep the solution out here too.

So I don't have to take any responsibility and I'm sitting in the media in my first 90 days and I heard a guy come on. So he turned off just to stick about it and the lie got smashed.

This is drama was the opposite of my drama and I found out the drama isn't what brings me to you So joins me to you is that at an early age I had a spiritual emptiness, whatever you want to call it.

See, I don't have a two fold disease body in mind. Those are just my symptoms. I have a much deeper part of my disease. Nobody in century and I couldn't hear,

so I salt and then myself for six months and new meetings. I'm sure you were talking about it. I'm sure I read the book. I'm sure I saw where it says they not only oddly and mentally ill for spiritually sick and I knew why I was bodily and mentally ill. I used to give lectures on THIQ and neurotransmitters and chemical enzyme reactions, stuff that I don't even want to remember anymore,

those big long words. So it keeps it up here and it never gets close to anything down here that makes you uncomfortable because they tell you if it feels bad, it's bad, and if it feels good, it's good. And I bring that philosophy into Alcoholics Anonymous and I stay away from anything that makes me uncomfortable. And as long as I do, I won't drink because what feels bad is bad and what feels good is good. Until somebody says to me, didn't you do some stuff for about 18 years?

It felt really good than your children

and haven't you done some stuff and Alcoholics Anonymous? It doesn't always feel good and save your life. And there's even a place beyond there that I've been taking once in a while before I lose my own my, my judgment about my own emotions, whether they're good or bad, because I don't know the difference.

Our seven step prayer even mentions. I come out of the 5th step thinking this stuff I thought I was doing that was really great was damn near killing stuff I thought was really bad saved my life. And the first? That's all of them

Good.

There are times for uncertain place where my own emotions aren't bad.

Really good. I used to

think I.

All of a sudden I started to see alcohol doesn't care how I'm feeling or how I'm doing circumstantially or emotionally as to whether I drink. We have all some of you that have been around a lot longer than I have. I've seen people that's feeling really great doing really good.

He's feeling really bad, not feeling well at all,

people not feeling much at all.

I just don't feel much at all and that's what that's.

So I realized these ones that I think are so bad are what bring me to my knees over and over and over back to them. And the ones that are really good sometimes distract me from that which I want to be close to. So I say

I had six years of kid stuff,

alcohol, work. I had a blast from about 12 to 18.

Woodstock private school, Boston, NY, Manhattan all over. I was thrown out of the Americana Hotel in Manhattan before I could even drink legally

on stuff.

Then I had six years of trouble. Michigan State Penitentiary sudden more treatment centers.

Some of you go on vacation once a year with a Great American Express Power or a Visa card. Well, I go to treatment on a regular basis because I have a great Blue Cross Blue Shield card.

That's what I do. And when treatment hasn't answered that question as far as being a patient, you all know that question. You know that question. I don't even have to say that question. Going to treatment didn't answer that question. So when going to treatment as a patient doesn't answer that question. What's the next logical thing for an alcoholic to do? Get a degree in psychology and work in a treatment center as a therapist for the same reason. You were there as a patient and only other Alcoholics would understand that.

I'm either a patient in one or I'm a therapist in one, drinking with the director of the program that I was working for. So find out the answer to a question that had been there before I ever took a drink. And that question is what's wrong with me? What's wrong with me?

And I started asking that question about two years before I ever took a drink, sitting in my parents backyard dreaming that a spaceship was gonna land and a little Green Man was gonna get out and he was gonna say you weren't born here on this planet. We brought you here as a teeny baby and this has just been a test.

And he was going to say, and you failed,