Ruston LA March 20th 1999

Mr. Dave H from Joplin,

You know you're in trouble when she was more impressed with the Southern University baseball team than the guy she was going to introduce.

I always take this off. It's not because I'm going to watch. It just makes Harlan feel a little better.

My name is Dave Holman, I'm an alcoholic. Real grateful to be here today. And she found out more about me and I meant last night than she did the 45 minutes we had breakfast this morning, I'll guarantee. But she found more about honest about me this morning with my wife there. You know, it's kind of hard to lie when they're there. And some of you know how what I'm talking about when I say that. Before I forget, I want to thank Jack, who I've not met yet, for calling me and inviting me to be here this weekend.

I understand you get real nervous. You better get real nervous when you find out the guy invited him. He's not here today

and

I'm real. I pray for Jack. I understand he had some surgery and he's going to try to make it tonight. But I want to thank Joe and and the rest of the committee for, for your hospitality. The beautiful fruit basket that was in my room. I, I don't eat fruit. I'm a meat and tater man. But yeah, it's pretty good to throw at your wife when you want to get her attention. So there's been plenty of that going on this weekend.

Yeah,

it's kind of hard to fight the father,

a jet fighter pilot, you know, I identify, you know, when he was talking about that 360, I did that one night off the top of a barstool when my wife came to get me.

So

and that's about he lost me after that, you know,

and until they started talking that drunks, drunk, drunk talk. And you know, I talked that real well. I come to you this morning. I'm scarred by education and I'm sure I don't need to tell you that now because you've already figured that out. And

my Home group is the newcomer group in Joplin, MO. I don't found necessary to take a drink since June 13, 1984. And there's not anybody ever knew him. He's not grateful for that.

It's it's really a privilege and an honor to be asked to do anything in the, in the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. You know, this committee's done all the work. Now we get to play and, and that's what we do here is we just come here and we gather as a fellowship and, and we enjoy the time we're we're here together and we take what we learn and go home and, and put it to use. You know, it's, it's real easy for me to stay sober and Alcoholics Anonymous just when I go out outside the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous out there where we live,

the one the other 24 hours that I have to live with me. And you know, what this program has taught me is, you know, the practice these principles on a daily basis is what I have here is a daily reprieve. And that's all I have. And this continues what I do in this program. And, and what you're going to hear today is a lot of what I've done in Alcoholics. And I mean, we do a lot of stupid things when we're out there drinking alcohol, but I carried some of those

character, character defects right inside the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. And a lot of things I've done here I'm not proud of. But it's my story. And I'm here to share that I, I came from a good home and, you know, there was no alcoholicism in my family.

My dad, he worked real hard. And I have an older sister and a younger brother. And, you know, they don't, they don't drink very seldom. You know, my sister's one of those two drinks and I'm starting to fill it and quit. My brother, you know, when he drinks, he he likes to get drunk because he thinks that's what they make alcohol for. But when he gets drunk and he gets sick and he don't want to drink for two or three months. And yeah, I never didn't understand that kind of drinking. And, you know, when I got drunk and got sick, I wanted to get drunk again and get over being sick. And

they never understood that I was raised in that home. And I never felt a part of because I, you know, I just felt that I was different than what I came to find out in the program about folks. And honest reason I felt that was because I was different. You know, I wasn't doing the things they was doing and I didn't feel the way they felt. And, and I had nothing to do with them. Nothing, absolutely nothing to do with them. I, I felt that way because things I was doing when when I was growing up, I, yeah, I started running with the kids that we, we like to find things

before they was officially lost, you know, and we would just do anything we could to just run the streets. And we called it fun, you know, and it was it, you got conferred what we did then and what they're doing today. It was fun. No, we didn't have no drive by shootings today. On the other day, I was talking to a guy. He said he was standing at a payphone. He said he heard this noise going off. He looked all around and these guys drove by and was shooting paint guns at him. And I thought, man, I've never tried that. That sounds like fun to me. I could do that kind of drive by shooting

and

yeah, that's the kind of things we was doing growing up and I got to high school no fault of my own. You know, it's you just keep going school one day at a time. And I think Bud said it. You know, it's real interesting to follow someone like Bud. You come up here and he stands up here for 5 minutes, gets everybody pissed off and then gives you the mic.

But

it wasn't smart guys I was running with. You know, we were just, we was a little terrorist, you know, we just terrorized the neighborhood. And,

yeah, we got to be 15 years old. And that's what you'll do if you don't, don't die. If you live one day at a time, you'll grow up to be 15. Or we started borrowing the guy's car, friend of mine's dad's car that left town every weekend. And we'd go over to Kansas and we discovered alcohol. And, you know,

I'm not a social drinker. You know, the first time I drink alcohol, I got drunk, I blacked out and I passed out. And the last time I drank alcohol, I got drunk, I blacked out and I passed out. And I'd like to tell you that's what happened from the time I started drinking till the time I got the alcoholic synonyms. Truth is, is when you live in blackouts, you don't know what happened

a lot of that time. And I don't like the way they described it to me. You know, I think they exaggerated some. I don't remember doing some of the things that they said I did. And it was awful bursting when they was talking about them. So, you know, I don't repeat a lot of the stories. Well, I want to tell you I, I got out of high school and got that diploma. They'll give you diploma in Missouri if you can, can do AD minus and that's what I did. I got through high school on D minuses and you don't learn a lot that way, but you get a diploma and that's all I needed. You know, my dad told me

last time I had to have a diploma and he didn't tell me I had to have an education. So I got the diploma and left home and I

got out there and started drinking. Like we drank, you know, I get drunk and I'd wreck cars and I'd go to jail. And I didn't like jail. You know, a lot of people, I guess, like jail, they go to jail for a long time. You know, I talked to a guy one time. He'd been in jail 27 times. Oh, man, I'd like to went to that jail. You didn't want to go to jail. I went to 27 times,

but it wasn't my deal. So, you know, I made a promise myself that if I was going to drink alcohol, is going to drink alcoholic successfully and stay out of jail. And I did. When I come through the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous, my best friend was the prosecutor attorney. And if you have best friends who are prosecuting attorneys, you don't have to go to jail a lot. You get real paranoid, but you don't go to jail a lot. But I, I got married when I was 19 years old because my friends were getting married and they were settling down and they wasn't wrecking cars and they wasn't getting in trouble. So I got married

Aaron Judgment, you know, bad mistakes should never got married.

I supposed to go to work, supposed to come home, supposed to come home with a paycheck rules that was never explained to me when I got married. And I can't tell you a lot about that marriage. As you know, I I left my hometown about six months after we got married because not only do I have my folks talking to me about my drinking, you know, I've got a wife talking to me about my drinking. I got in laws talking to me about my drinking and I don't like to talk about drinking. I like to drink and

I just never thought it was amusing. Sit around, talk about drinking. Let's, you know, let's see you do it. Let's don't do it. And they would say no, do it times. And I was wanting to do it. So, you know, I got out of there and we moved to Kansas City and I went to start a career in the grocery business. And you know, that's what you do when you're uneducated. You know, you got to go to work and

you don't get a position, you get a job. And I've never liked the work, but I started working because I was told to go to work and I get to grow, to get a paycheck and I was supposed to bring it home, but I usually stop somewhere and forget to take the check home. And she didn't understand that. And we had a, we had a little girl in that marriage. And I don't remember a lot. And I do remember one day I was coming to in the back bedroom

of a mobile home we was living in. And I,

I woke up or came to that morning, I was full of fear. And I'm sure you understand that. I'm sure some of you been there. And I didn't know what I did the night before, but I knew it wasn't good. And I tried to listen because I heard him talking out there and I heard a lady self tell my wife said, if you love that baby, you know you'll, you'll leave. You'll take that baby and leave before he really hurts someone. And I couldn't figure out why I did. But when I got enough nerve to get up to go out there, it came to me tonight,

in a drunken rage, I had threw a brick to a storm door. Missed that baby by inches.

I didn't feel good that morning. I didn't feel good. And I'll tell you why I didn't feel good. I didn't feel good because I wasn't raised to do those things. I had never seen that. I had never had to watch that. That's not the way my folks raised me. And I didn't feel good about that. And I made a promise that morning that I had every intention in the world to keep and I promised her that if I couldn't cut down on my drinking, I would quit drinking because I didn't want to put her in that baby through that. But see, I'm an alcoholic and I

How to quit drinking. Yeah, I can quit. You know, Scott was eight weeks. God, Can you imagine going without help, man, your fingernails had to be that long to go without a drink for eight weeks. You know, I could do eight days maybe. And that's just how much heat was on. But I would get so miserable. I'd make them miserable and they'd say go drink. And that's all I was waiting for is that go drink. And I'd go drink and

that marriage ended. And it wasn't long after that marriage ended. You know, I, I got married again and I married a, a high school sweetheart. And I had dated this girl in high school and

yeah, her, she came from an alcoholic family. And and I say that because her dad committed suicide through this disease. And it wasn't, it wasn't pretty. It was it was pretty ugly to watch. And but her dad was when I was young and we was dating, he was always my hero. He was the guy that comes sliding in the driveway sideways. And he'd jump out of that car and whoever was in that car with him would wait until he'd go in the house and he'd go in the house, start a fight and they'd all leave. And then when they'd all leave him, that person's in that car going to house. And the man, what a life,

what a life, you know, this is the best of two worlds. Instantly he became my hero. And you know, I want that guy drink. And then he became a real violent drunk. And you know, I, I swore I would never be like that. I would never be like that because I, I didn't want to be like that. We got married and you know, I, I thought, you know, I took on a spot check inventories. It's talked about in the 12 by 12, you know, she had a little girl and I had a little girl. So I thought, well, it's taken care of. We don't need no little girls. And

three months later she gets pregnant. We have a little girl. And now we got her little girl, my little girl, our little girl. And it's just a lot of those girls running around there. And, you know, they think it's a good idea. I go to work on a regular basis and bring home paychecks. And, you know, I don't do those two things while I can do one of the other, but not both. You know, if I go to work, then I think that money ought to be drinking money. And that's what I do. And I start calling my father to wire me money the day after I get paid. And, you know, they're not Alcoholics. You stay asked the

My dad used to say, you know, son, how did you lose your car? He said, that ain't worth £3000, boy. Now how do you lose a car? Yeah, I said, dad, you know, if I knew where I lost her, how I lost that car when I lost, it's pretty obvious. And yeah, it's not the answer he wanted. You know, I can almost get you killed. And he would say, yo, son, you got paid last night, you know, where's your money?

Well, it's obvious it's not here, Dad, because it was here that my wife would have it. And I just need money.

They never understood. I never knew what they wanted me to say. You know, I used to tell my dad the truth and it was the God's truth. And he never knew that I'd say, I don't know. And I I didn't have a clue. I didn't have a clue why I was living the life I was living. I just all I knew is when I did not drink alcohol, I was irritable, restless and discontent. I couldn't stand to live with me When them women said we cannot

live with you no longer. I understood that.

I knew exactly what they would say because I could never live with me. I could never get up and look in the mirror and be OK. I would get up there. I'd look in that mirror and I'd say why? Why you live this way? What's wrong with you? Why can't you be like your deaf? Why can't you just go to work, come home, be happy with what you got? What can't you be like your sister? She's a good person. She loves her family.

She takes care of her kids.

Her kids don't have to see what my kids see. I think why can't you be like your brother? You know that kid got caught with alcohol when he was thirteen years old. He went to jail. Dad went and got him. He said all promise you Dad, I'll never touch another drop of alcohol till I'm 21. He didn't, he didn't. I said, what's wrong with you, boy? How can you do those things? I mean, I, I told dad a lot of things in my life, but I never kept those those promises I've made. I made him promise after

promise after promise. And I couldn't understand why I could not feel like those people, why I couldn't be like that.

And I'd be so irritable, restless. I didn't like the fact that I was writing bad checks. I didn't like the fact that I had bill collectors looking for. And I thought, man, I just the only thing would take those feelings away with alcohol. Once I started drinking, I didn't have to feel that way anymore. It was OK. It was OK. So I, I made another errand judgement. You know, I've been married about three years and, you know, my drinking was progressed and

we had to move girls. And that first little girl was living with my first wife. We had the two little girls in our house and yeah, I went home one day and I'd been drinking and my wife started on me like she did so many times before, and I set her down. I said, you know what, you don't, What you need to do is you just need to have a few drinks. You know, if I had to sit around what you drink all the time, I'd be irritated too.

What you need to do is you just need to have a few drinks.

I said if you just drink a little bit, you won't worry about how much I'm drink. You won't count how much I'm drinking. You know, you'll just have a few drinks and you'll be OK. What I didn't know was is when she started drinking, she was going to drink like I drink

now. Believe me, I was used to coming out of blackouts and looking around and seeing what I'd tore up and who I'd beat up.

Now I'm coming out of the black house and the house is tore up and she's beating me up.

Was an order. I can't go through with it. Yeah.

And I can't tell you how many times that happened. And, you know, we sit here and we laugh about that this morning. But you know, there was little girls that watched that going on in that household when they would get up the next morning and see that house tore up and one of us beat up.

I can remember going home from work and hearing them little girls saying Daddy's home. And they'd run to that bedroom and they would shut that door. I don't know about you, but when that happens to me, I have to drink. I have to take those feelings away. So I would go get me a drink. Once I had two or three drinks, I knew it was safe to come out for a while and they would come out and they never knew how long they was going to be able to stay out before I had to go back.

And that's the way it was. I'm not proud of those things,

but that's what it was. When I drink alcohol,

I didn't go out and rob no banks. I didn't kill nobody that I know of. Yeah, I didn't do all those things. When I drink, I just drink alcohol. And when I drink alcohol, I drink alcohol because I didn't like the way I was feeling

in November. Well, in 1982, my dad,

I hated my dad. I hated that man with a passion and I hated him 'cause I didn't felt like I could never be what he wanted me to be. And I hated God because all he wanted to talk about was God. I used to think if there was a God, you know, I wouldn't be living this way. The last nine months of my dad's life, my dad was paralyzed with cancer from the waist down. And I didn't go see my dad much because all my dad wanted to talk about was my drinking and God.

And I used to go and see him and and he would sit there or lay there, flattened her bed and

and he would tell me about God and and I would sit there and thank God. If there's a God, there's a God. Why is it that I'm living the life I'm living? And you're living the life you're living. Yeah. You've been a good man. I know you've been a good man. I know if you've tried hard your whole life, why would a God do this to someone? Try. I can understand maybe what God's after me. But if there's really a God, why are you living the life you're living? And so I didn't go see much. My dad died, you know, And I got to be with my dad the last 48 of hours of his life because my sister

and took me and she said we're gonna go stay with dad till he dies.

And my dad's last words to me was, you know, one more promise, you know, promise me you'll quit drinking, Promise you'll take care of your mom. And I made that promise 'cause that man was dying. And I left that hospital and went straight to the liquor store because I knew one more time I had told that man something I could never live.

And I drank

in November 1983, my, my ex-wife at that time, we had been divorced for about 6 months. But it got to the point. Yeah, some of you will identify with this. You know, you can't live together, but you can't live apart, you know, too sick. He's just can't do it. And I was back in one time and she went to another Talcox Anonymous to get me sober. And as you can see this morning, it worked.

Not that quick, but it worked.

The sad thing about that is she's not here today when she comes to Alcoholics Anonymous today, she she stays sober, but she don't find it necessary to come here on a regular basis. And most of us know what happens to people that don't come here on a regular basis. They continue to drink again. And I pray on a daily basis that maybe she can get back and give me what gets so freely what she gave to me. And I'll be over for grateful for that woman for bringing me here. But I came in on.

I didn't quit drinking there, you know, as she brought home a big book of Alcoholics and I, she brought home a lot of literature and, you know,

said I'm on score of education, there's no pictures and all that stuff. And so, yeah, I knew it wasn't for me. I'd pick up that book. There wasn't any pictures. So I laid it back down. And, you know, that literature, you know, I would think, you know, this is good for her. And I thought that because she wasn't beating me up no more, you know, and but I'm not so sure I I need this bill yet. But. And on November or January 2nd, 1984, yeah, I came in from a New Year's Eve drunk.

And that's how I drank. You know, when I go out on a New Year's Eve drunk, I'd get home about two days later and I came in and when I came in, she met me at the door

and she said you can either go Calcox or go to AA or, or you can go. And I didn't know a lot what she was talking about. You know, I just knew that morning I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. And she could have said you can go damn way or go. And I, we've been in Amway that night because I didn't care. You know, I was just sick and tired of being sick and tired. I have a friend that talks to about, you know, when the gig was up, and I really believe that I knew.

I knew that day the gig was up. I knew

that no longer I had a fight

and I was willing to go anywhere and I went through the 1st a, a meeting I'd ever went to in my life that night and knew instantly I was an alcoholic. And if you're here this morning and you you're a comparison instead of identifying, you're not through yet. I can promise you that because that's what I did to that first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous and had no intentions of identifying with those people. I went in compared

all those people had been the treatment for alcoholism and I had never been to treatment. I'm not a product this morning of any treatment center out there. I'm a product of the Alcoholics Anonymous. The old timers are coming, getting you, taking your meeting and let you sit there and shake and hope you don't die. You know, that's the way it was when I got here. But I went to that meeting. They talked a lot about treatment. They talked about

God. They was in the basement of a church.

They said some real smart stuff. There's a bunch of it was all old people. You know, that's Harlan's age or older. Somewhere in there. Yeah.

I really like Scott laughs now. Scott taught me. I never knew you could abuse your sponsor from the podium of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Thanks God, Appreciate that.

But a bunch of old geezer sitting around there and they was talking about God and talking about not drinking, you know, and, and they said we need you. And I turn around and look because I want to make sure they was talking to me

and looked over and there's about 14 stairs. And I looked back over and I said, I bet you do. I bet you I'm going to have to carry everyone of you out of here tonight probably. So they said you keep coming back. They told me some smart stuff like I probably had some brain damage. And that was no big news because I had report cards from the Carthage school system that showed I had brain damage long before I took a drink of alcohol.

Now, So Needless to say, I didn't identify very much of that meeting that day. But

but I had nowhere else to go, nowhere else to go. And then I came back to two or three, four or five, I don't know. I came back to some more meetings and the only thing I realized is, you know, they said if you don't drink, you won't get drunk. And I bought that. And I walked out of a meeting one night and I took a turn to my ex-wife and I said, you know, we don't need to go to those meetings no more. I got this deal somewhere down at 9. They're going to want money and we don't got it. So I says we just won't drink one day at a time. We won't get drunk. We don't need to go to meetings. Do that.

Do it by ourselves. And she did, and I didn't. And yeah, I, I don't know how long I'll last and five hours back out one more time. And you know, when I went out this time, I got arrested one night and I went to jail and this officer wrote up a bunch of tickets. And I don't know what I'd done, but I evidently he didn't like it because he wrote for about an hour and he handed me all these tickets and told me to sign them. Well, you don't hand anything to a drunk and tell him to sign. He tears it up and gives it back to you and you get pissed off

on. But yeah, one more time. I was, yeah. I had people who knew me that could keep me out of trouble. And, you know, I, they told. So I've called my prosecuting buddy and he wasn't in town that week. And I thought I was in big trouble with this. Jailer had called someone to come get me and took me home. And I started drinking alone. And I'm not a loner, you know, when I drink, I like to be out where the action is. I like the neons and the nylons, you know, let's. I'm not sitting home drinking by myself, but that's what I'm doing now.

I go to work each day. I get up, I go home and I drink and I drink until I black out to I'll pass out and I look at them four walls and I know this is it. I know it's it because there's nothing else. There's nothing else. I'm too paranoid to go out there. My prosecuting buddy got me out of trouble. He he went to the chief of police and told him, you know, if you arrest him one more time, I won't prosecute him. So he didn't lie that night when he

living in his car, he was living in his car. You know, I mean, when they asked you for an address, you tell him an ad. If you're living in your car, you're living in your car. And that's where I was living at that time. And you know it, it gave me a free ride one more time. You know, I, I've got brave enough to go out once in a while and I would go down the Main Street of a town of 5000. I'd throw my beer cans out tops for whiskey bottles, whatever, just let them know it was me. And

knowing that they couldn't really do anything about it because he was going to keep me out of trouble. But what happens when you do that? You get real paranoid because these stories come back to you about you're not going to live

on the river, you're going to live under the river, you know, and

got where I wouldn't go out at night because I thought the cops was after me when I got sober and came down. Quite synonymous as a little girl named Millie and Joplin. And Millie said, Dave, paranoias when you think you're out to get you, believe me, those people who's out to get you? So, yeah, I'm sitting there just drinking and and doing my deal. And, you know, I get up and I go to work each morning. And some days you get up and the car's there and someday it's not, you know. And if it's not there, you walk to work. If you're still not through, you know, and you have a job, make sure you live close to that

For some days you'll drive, some days you'll walk. And if you got to walk, you know, you don't have far to walk. So I live close to work and I'd walk to work one morning on June the 13th of 1984. Yeah, I, I went to the Elks Club because that's where I went when I didn't work and I was a bartender there and I went down to Else Club and I got the bar raid open and we had a swimming pool out there. We took care of it. I started drinking that morning or early afternoon and sometime that evening

out and later on I passed out. And I woke up the next morning one more time without my car.

And, you know, Scott talked about pukers view Pukers. I love the puke. It's dry heaves that. Damn, you're killed me. Yeah. It's when there's nothing else to puke and you're still there and there's no feeling like it. If you've not had that, you know I feel for you. You know,

you'll have a spiritual awakening, I'll guarantee you. And because you don't know where you're coming or going and your eyeballs you think are going to pop out and there you are, and there's nothing else to do but stay. And man, you do some deep meditation that day. And I did that that day. And I got up and I walked to work because my car wasn't there that day.

And I got to work and and I'm a high bottom drunk. When I came down called synonymous, I had a job, I had a car and I had a place to live. And I had had a car because my dad had died in 1982 and my mother didn't drive. She gave me that car and I had a place to live because my sister was paying rent on an apartment for me

so I didn't have to live in my car and on the streets.

And I had a job because I work for my brother-in-law and my sister wouldn't let him fire me

high bottom drunk. Yeah, She said, we're paying these rent now, You know, imagine what we'll have to give him drinking money if he don't work. So I went to work that day and I I worked in a grocery store. And I went back in the cooler and I got me one more drink because I had to drink to get rid of shakes so I could do any work

and went out there and tried to work. And a man came in and he seen me start talking to me, started talking to me about him.

And he talked to me about a program called Alcoholics Anonymous. And he wouldn't know if I'd ever been.

I said, yeah, I've been there. I've been there. Yeah. And some good people put good program for people who don't want to drink. But I'm not an alcoholic. My problems are far, far deeper from Alcoholics. And I said, somebody have a few problems now, but they'll go away, and I don't want to not drink forever.

And this guy just told me about his life and about what happened. He didn't have to do this one day at a time. And by one day at a time, he had had a year sober, not quite synonymous how much better his life was. And he laughed when he left. He didn't tell me I need to go day or I ought to go day or he'd take me day. He laughed

and some time went by and another guy come in. He told me the same story

he told me about his life

and what happened in his life and he hadn't had to take a drink in six months

because he went to a on a regular basis and how much better his life had got. And this guy laughed and he never tell me that I need to go there or I could go there or he would take me there. He just laughed.

Yeah, I'll always be grateful for those guys because, you know, I've never, I've never sat in a meeting about colleagues and items. So these are one of them guys. I don't know whether they're sober or drunk today, I have no idea. I've never seen them again

and I say I've never seen them again. That's not quite true. I did see them for maybe two or three times after that because they were salesman and they came in that store on a regular basis. And right after that one of them had moved to Dallas and the other one that you know, I he lived in Northern Missouri. I've just never run across them again.

But I didn't tell them and I had no intentions of going calculations. I I didn't intend

leave that job that day and go to a meeting with A and a Yeah, because I knew it wasn't for me. I knew, you know, Scott talked about, you know, the simple minded people. You know, that's that's who I thought it was for those you know. Yeah. You have a you get drunk and have a wreck or something. You know, you run a straight in your life.

I'm under finance. That's my problem. Yeah, I'm just under finance. If I could just get my finances in order,

I'd be our I've got bill collectors looking for me. I got ex wife's looking for me, wanting child support. I've got bad checks all over town. You know, that's my problem. If I could just get that in order, alcohol wouldn't be the problem. You know, I'll be all right,

But I, I left that job that day at 4:00

and I walked down, got my car and I went to the post office. And that's somewhere you never went if you live the life I live. Because you're not getting no love letters. Mom's not right until you see how you're doing.

You know, there's a whole bunch of threat mail there and it's what we're going to do if you don't do. And you know, I'm used to that and went down there and run into a Catholic priest.

It's ironic, you know, get to hear one ex Catholic priest tomorrow morning. That's his story. But y'all, this guy, I didn't like him the first time I met him and I liked him even less this time. And he just took one look at me. He just took one look at me and said

you rate come back for it

and I don't know anymore today than I knew that day, but I said yes. I said yes,

and I didn't know that I was never going to have to take a drink of alcohol again from that day to this. I didn't know that 'cause I didn't want to come back here. I knew that I would never stay here, that this wasn't it for me. But I said yes, and he told me. He said you go home today and you don't drink tonight and tomorrow night I'll pick you up, take you to a meeting.

And I went home that day and I didn't drink.

I shook a lot. I didn't drink and I didn't drink the next day. And he come by the next night and I went to a meeting about calling some islands. And that's basically what I'm here to talk about today

is when I came back,

it was the last place on Earth I wanted to be, but yet it was only people on the face hurts and wouldn't have anything to do with me. And I'll always be grateful for that. It seems like the more you don't want to be here, the more they love you, you know, and they tell you all kinds of stuff. You know, I went back to that group and I don't knock Alcohols Anonymous, but those people in that group, they didn't believe in sponsorship. They didn't believe in big books of Alcoholics Anonymous. There's some still people in that group that's running that group that's been sober a lot of years. It's never done a four step.

And I'm glad that works for them, I really am. But I couldn't relate to anything they said. They kept saying if you don't drink, you'll feel better. And yeah, I felt better, but not the way they was talking about. And they told me my life was going to get better. My life didn't get better. I continued to write bad checks. I didn't pay their bills. I didn't try to pay that child support. Yeah, I just didn't drink. And you know, if you don't drink for about 90 days, that ex-wife will come back, start talking to you. You know, about that time she decided to move back to Southwest Missouri. So I thought I

change in life. And, you know, I'd been in the grocery business for about 17 years working in a grocery store. So I went to work in a dynamite factory. Yeah, don't do that. Don't do that. You don't want to work there sober. Yeah. If you work in a dynamite factor, you need to drink.

You'll go to work some days and you'll realize you're only sober one in that building. Now that's insanity.

Best job ever had. It was the best job ever had. Paid a lot of money, worth a lot of hours.

Yeah, I got down there. Decide when I got down there, you know, I'd move in with Mom. You know, I didn't think she'd done a very good job raising me the first time, so I thought I'd give her a second shot at it.

So I moved in with mother and went to work in a dynamite factor. And I thought, well, I, I don't need a just a bunch of old guys sitting in basements of churches breathing out of a blue book talking about God, talking about not drinking. Not like not my kind of life. You know, I, I can stay sober, but I don't need to go to egg. Stayed sober 2 weeks and I'm nuts

net. So I went to a meeting. Give me a little blue card, a meeting schedule, and a bunch of old men in the basement of a church reading out of the blue book talking about God not drinking one day's time again if y'all are just not going to work. I made it two more weeks and I'm climbing off the walls. And so I got that card out and I said here's an open meeting. I'll go over here to this open meeting.

I know what open means. Order means like this. Got a guy up there talk for an hour. You don't know what he says. He don't know what he says. He bores you half to death. You think he's never gonna sit down and shut up? Nobody bothers you. So I'll go over there. So I went over to that meeting and walked in and it was around table in the hospital cafeteria

and there was seven people sitting there. And I got there at 5 minutes until, you know, just like I played in 5 minutes until 5 minutes when the meetings over get out of there so you don't talk. So I get there 5 minutes till there's seven people at that table. Three of them jump up and from the door to meet me. One of them was an old man named Dan. The other one was a little lady named Millie.