Adele D at Bethel, Maine July 30th 1995

My name is Adele and I'm an alcoholic. Can everybody hear me? All right,

first of all, I want to really and truly, from the bottom of my heart, I know what it is to be on committees

and I want to really and truly thank the committee for inviting me a drunk here to share with you this morning.

You know, I think of the committee sitting there and I remember you have three or four. Everybody introduces different ones and and then there's a process of elimination. And and then it comes down to one and they say, yeah, that's the one. And it doesn't matter what meeting it is at. But I know that this group that has put on disappear this this today

has worked real hard, you know, and I'm going to say this right now

and I don't want to hear anything more about it.

And if you had any gripes, get on the committee,

you said, because right now I can't find any grapes. You know, I'm living high off the hog today. I'll tell you, wow, I got an air conditioned bedroom.

Yeah, this room is air conditioned. I remember, you know what, it was a reason for us to move and and I like to bring this in because there's a lot of people say, why do we know? You know, I don't like changes.

Well, I'm going to tell you something. I'm getting a little older and I don't like changes either,

but I'll tell you this spring and not OK make this change to make it comfortable for Adele Donovan. The drunk I came up, stayed overnight

and I said, hey, I kind of like this place now. I don't care where I am. And you wouldn't have made any difference if we'd have gone back to Farmington and you know as well as I do. Me being me, I'd be right there because the whole reason for this get together is the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I think sometimes some of us forget that.

Well, I had to park my car four blocks away.

I remember when I walked four blocks for something.

Not just bulls, either.

I should have said that this is Sunday morning, right? But sometimes Sunday morning, I didn't even know where I was, you know, And I doubt that you did either.

Because you see, we're sitting here and we're all a bunch of drunks and we're all alike. Some were on white carpets. Oh, I think that's wonderful. And I was on everybody's carpet with the,

you know, and anybody's bruised.

But I wanna, I really want to express this and I want to thank this committee for inviting me here. And I want to thank them for the little basket that was in my room. And I went in that room Friday night and there was a little basket of fruit and, and I said

some and some cheese and I somebody's been in here.

Well, you know, I wanted to look at if there was a man in my closet, I might have liked that. But,

and they also said, you know, there was 2 red bands on my slip when I came in and they said somebody is going to be in the room with you and they said but we have no name. And I said OK, you know, this is okay.

But I I said yes, it, it might be another girl that's in on the convention and they'll give you the name later. Well, we'll find out if there's a demand. Keep your mouth shut

now. I'm not dying for a man, you know.

No way. I ain't taking care of nobody.

I love my pillow back for many years.

You guys are like a pad. Go look somewhere else.

I suppose it's God's will,

you know, that will be done.

This is a privilege to be here. And you know when when Paul calls me and I don't even know whether I said it or not. Maybe I didn't, maybe I did. And I don't remember too good on many things. There's one thing I do remember is how I got drunk and how I got into this program, and I'm going to share that with you one more time comes.

But you know, when he called me, I almost said, or I think I said, I'm not sure. He'd have to verify that. And he don't know anything, so he wouldn't be able to say anything anyway because he keeps telling us he don't know anything.

I almost said, you know, I've done this before.

And then I, I believe, I don't think I did say it because, you know, when the telephone rings, as far as I'm concerned, it's God calling.

And whatever is on the other side of that line and whatever is the message on the other side of that line, I better accept it. I didn't come into this program say no.

You know, I didn't know how to say no when I come into this program. It was. Oh yeah, yeah, surely.

Oh, I'll be glad to do that for you.

Hate the son of a gun for doing it, but I'll do it for you, you know. So when I come into this program, I don't believe I did say it, that I had it right.

I've spoken at the roundup before then. I didn't say anything

because I'll tell you how that happens. I was at the Portland Group and there was a meeting and someone asked me to speak. The chairperson said, Gal, would you like to say a few words? And I said yeah, how long have we got? And

I spoke and then the following week we had a new chairperson. And the chairperson said to me a gel, I'd like to have you say a few words for me. And I said, well, I spoke last week on Sunday night on my Home group at that time. And he said, yeah, but I wasn't here.

You know, you think about that. You think about that. That was his choice. They told us that we have choices in this program, and it was his choice. So I said, I'm sorry. Yes, I will say a few words. And I remembered that. So I try not to refuse because maybe somebody else hasn't heard me. And we have a lot of people in here that are newcomers. And I mustn't forget that. I'm going to talk to you today.

I'm going to share myself with you for the newcomers.

The old timers coup, but the newcomers,

I don't know how deep to get into my story. You know, I'm a, I'm a step girl and I, I'm working now in the big book and I think it's absolutely wonderful. God put me in Skowhegan. I moved from Portland. I lived in Portland for 47 years and I moved a year in a year ago, last May to Skowhegan with my own. My choice of move sold my business, my ceramics and I chose to move to Skowhegan to be on my son's land.

I bought a new mobile home and I am very comfortable and I love it there. But I am by myself, I do my own thing and I don't live in with family and I love them dearly. This is a miracle.

What I'm doing today is a miracle, not only with my sobriety, but it's a miracle that I'm with my son.

And

this change has been a big, big change with me. As a matter of fact, I joined, I joined a meeting and it was a meeting. And who made it into a group? Because I was floundering. I, I didn't have a group and I was always used to being in a group. A Portland group was my group. I hated them sometimes, you know, they wouldn't do what I wanted them to do. And I walked and I didn't like them and I was going to quit them.

I'm quitting

and so for two months I quit them.

I wanted my way and they weren't going to give it to me.

And those old timers, I'm telling you there, there were really something. And we heard some stories last year about old last night about old timers. And you know, the program, I'm gonna have to say it. I don't like to. But it was different.

You did as you were told. It didn't fool around. I would go to the meeting and I'd be having my heart was up in here and I wanted to cry. And I'd say don't cry. Well, you know when somebody tells you not to cry and it's up here, you want to really cry. You know, they told me to sit down and shut up. Now, they didn't get up here at the microphone and tell me. Yes, they did. But they

yes, they did. But, you know, it was like on a like,

I could hear what they were saying and I was very dense and I was a very sick girl.

But they would say sit down and shut up and maybe I can get some of this program.

You know, I was sitting right there.

They put me down front. I was out by my throat and it was only about 7 to 14 people there and they were all men. Now, I wasn't afraid of men. No way. I was not afraid of men. I was not afraid of women either. I was just afraid of Adele

when I come into this program.

Broken,

sad, full of resentment,

full of anger.

You know, we forget. We like to complain about this and that. The other thing that we forget, we came in here. Many, many, many. I didn't come in here broke. I was lucky. I had a husband. I didn't lose my house. I didn't lose my car. I lost my dignity. I lost my face. I lost hope. But you see, we forget,

and I'm up here to remind you that you're not to forget.

This is Alcoholics Anonymous and you have been given a chance to live.

Why complain?

I came into this program, I had no choices. I knew nothing about a program being formed. I knew nothing of that.

I knew nothing of people being together around a table that was staying sober. I didn't know what Alcoholics Anonymous meant. It's a better fact. I didn't really know what an alcoholic was. Now, I like to call myself a drunk because nine times out of 10, you all know you got drunk

but you didn't get alcoholic,

you know? And I couldn't understand that my head was so thick. You know,

I was told once I had scrambled eggs between my ears. And I didn't like that person. No way. They don't know what they're talking to.

But I was so sick. I didn't know I was that sick. I should have been hospitalized. And I was too frightened to go to Milestone where they had offered me to go. And they would have had a doctor take care of me. And as soon as they said doctor, I said no,

no way. I'm scared

and we all came in here that way. I don't care if you were pushed in by your doctor. Oh who you were pushed in here by

the feelings that are deep down inside are what pushed you in here.

You were alone. We were frightened, we were sick, and we didn't even know it.

I didn't know that. I didn't know

such a statement.

I knew something was wrong.

I wanted to stop drinking and I couldn't.

The beautiful phrase I'm going to stop tomorrow.

I'm not going to drink tomorrow.

Jack wants me to go to the First National and I ain't going to drink.

You know, Jack was always telling me what to do. That was my husband, by the way.

I hated it with a passion. I'd have killed him, but I might have had gone to jail. It was his fault.

Now if I could get rid of him, I'd be alright. How many of us have said that?

I'm glad to see you putting your hands up.

You know, I, I closed up the girl. I'm going to go off it a little bit. I'm going to 12th at the girl a long time ago.

Been in here a long time. I've been awful busy

and, you know, they called me up and I was always on that line service and I was everywhere. And they called me up and they said I'm not gonna, I would just say go to a drive. I don't remember a name. God bless her. I don't know where she is even. But they said she's in jail. Had really they said you they asked if you would come down to see her. You're her sponsor, as I am.

Well, I had been playing around and working around with her, you know, and I went down and. But before she went to jail. Now, before she went to jail,

I can't stay sober because my husband drinks, He does. I said. So it's mine. We're not staying sober.

Well, if I didn't have him, you know, I'd be all right.

And many of my girls have heard this story before, but they're gonna hear it again

because I went down to Junior. You know, her husband died. Her husband really died about a year. I didn't know that. So I went down to the jail and I saw her, and I said, how are you doing? She said, you know, Jim died. No kidding. He did. Yeah. I said, what the hell are you in Nephro? She says, because I've been drinking. I said you call me. If he died, you'd stop drinking.

See you later.

Not that I can do. I'm gonna die Power. No way. I'm too busy. 12 stepping all over the city of Portland.

When you get out of here, call me up and we'll go the meetings. Yeah, but you see, she said if he died, could stop drinking. I said the same thing.

If you get out of my life, I'd stop drinking. I couldn't stop drinking. I'm an alcoholic and I have a disease. Oh, I gotta, I gotta disease called alcoholism. Isn't that great? I'm a drunk and if I pick up a drink, I'm gonna get drunk. And I believe everything that's said in the big book and I go along with it and I've listened to it for many, many years. And but I do know

that I'm the drunk and I must remember that I can't even pick up a symbol full of whiskey because it will send me off.

And who knows when I would ever come back?

You don't know. I don't know. The God of my understanding would know. I may never get a chance to be sober

and to enjoy this life that I'm living.

I came into this program in 1970 in the dead of winter, January 28th,

cold snow. There was number women. I thought it was the only woman in the city of Portland that was a drunk and I knew better because I had drank with many of them. I was a waitress for 23 years

and I knew some of them were at the bar and of course, naturally when I was 6-7 months sober, I was going to go to the bar and get them. You know how we are. Oh,

she's I got to get my friend and I got to get this one. In that one,

I came in here like a puppy dog with my tail between my legs. I had no place to go.

I didn't know anything about staying sober. And that happens to be the God vanished truth. Every day I snapped that can of beer open and I put the whiskey in it and I had whiskey on the side. And every day I'm not going to drink tomorrow and I'm not going to stand here and tell you it was 35 day years and 22 days and 18 hours. I

and I turn a note to be an alcoholic. All I know is I drank and I loved it. I love the flavor. Wow,

I love what it did to me.

Have made me happy and I was a potty girl.

We're partying tonight, boy. Come on, Jack, put your best on. Let's go. And if you said he didn't want, I'd go out and get the potty and bring it home.

Waking up at 2:00 in the morning after I'd been to the bar after working and bringing a gang of 14 or 15 people home. Booze, booze. He get up there. What are you doing? We're having a party, okay?

And he sat and drank right with us.

He and I drank together a good many years. And Jack never stopped drinking. And that was his prerogative, right?

You know, but I stayed sober.

I said people, places and things do not make us a drink.

I heard a gentleman up here last night. I don't know where he is, but it may be, I don't know. But he said he drank because he drank.

My mother had nothing to do with it.

And my father, Of course I blamed him.

Why not?

Had to blame somebody, But when I get into this program, they said go, you're the one that kicked your elbow. Oh, I had a good time.

Did he? Did he? Did he? And you know, if you open your refrigerator door, they said, and you pour a glass of juice or a glass of water and sit in the top of your refrigerator because your elbow has been so used to going up and down,

you gotta have something to help with. Go. So I would open the refrigerator door, did exactly as I was told. I don't know what the hell I was doing this law. I could have put it on the counter. No, no, no. I had it in the refrigerator, 'cause they said, 'cause you open the refrigerator, get the beer. I said, oh, yeah, that's right. So you open the refrigerator. There was my glass. I take a drink, put it back, shut the refrigerator, do it, get my elbow movement. I said, we, we don't care what you drink. Just don't drink liquor.

Don't drink any beer instead of hell away from the wine. If I don't like wine, I said, well, stay away from it anyway.

And you don't drink Echo Velva, you know, you don't drink all of these things. And with that, Nyquil.

I always had a clue,

you know, My eyes were so bloodshot, I never saw where would it read on it. Do you think I was going to read boxers? Not me. They said this was good for me,

you know, and this is what was happening with me.

I come in here well beaten.

I drank for a good many years and I was 45 years old when I come into this program

and God was with me. You know, He is with the drunks. Whether you believe in a higher power or you don't believe that, I believe because I see, I see him in your eyes. I don't care if you sober one day, two days, 3 days, four days, five days. I don't care. It's just that I see that in your eyes,

God is with us.

I had been drinking for a good many years

and I was 45 years old when I come into the program

and I was covered with sores. My whole mouth was covered with sores

and my eyes were slit.

I couldn't see, I couldn't walk well

and I couldn't talk.

I couldn't talk, I couldn't make a sentence

and

I couldn't eat

and I slept. But of course I'm talking to another drunk now. I was passed out.

I didn't sleep

spiritually. I was broken.

Broken with nothing.

Mentally I was confused

with all the negative steel

and physically I was a wreck

and you guys invited me back.

I can't. That blows my mind.

You said come back

and I was so ashamed of all of the sores on my face. And the sores I'm gonna tell you is because I drank straight whiskey

and it burnt my gullet. I got a deep voice now, but when I come into the program sounded just like a man.

My God, I didn't know.

And of course, the first thing I said to you was

I have cold sores and they're awful sore. You said, yeah, we know,

you know, it was still alive and I couldn't smile. And you know, when you have a cold in the winter time and you've got a slur and you go to smile and it cracks and you're, aw, you put some size on it just to keep it. I was putting size on it. Keep it smooth, you know,

You knew

I wasn't fooling the drunk that was standing in front of me. So if you think you're going to fool me,

I've been there.

That's a drunk talking to another drunk. And they said we no doubt you keep coming back and you live that forever. Pat on the shoulder.

You are doing a good job. What the hell is I doing? I look like this.

I'm doing a good job, yeah.

Should have been hospitalized.

My sponsor whose name was Cookie and he's dead today and a lot of the people way back there are dead today took me to my first meeting. He came and saw me on a Friday morning and he says I'm going to take you to your first meeting Sunday night. Do you think you cannot drink until Sunday night?

And I said, I'll do anything

later. I'll come and pick you up and I'll take you to your meeting. There's a meeting at Cape Elizabeth tonight, but I don't want to take you there because the first meeting that you go to, you'll get an impression of that meeting and you feel like you want to be there. And he says you're a member. You'll be a member of the Portland group because you live in Portland. Nice. It's OK with me. He said, do you think you can go to meetings? I said, yeah,

I understand. How many am I going to go to?

I have questions but not those kind. Now I gotta remember I'm the one that asked for help.

He didn't come there on his own. He didn't even know I existed.

Got the telephone call that a girl by the name of the Dell Donovan on Park Ave. was sick as a dog. Needed some help

so he came back Friday noon and I was like this.

And, you know, if you haven't been like this, you, I'm going to invite you to drink and you will be, you know,

said, oh, that didn't happen to me. Oh yeah,

drinking it. Well,

my promises. I'll write them all down.

They're not in the big book either.

So you took me to my first meeting and there was about eight men. There

was about 1/2 as big as this hall. Damn big hall. They were all sitting up there

and they put me down here

and I'm all alone. I'm in the 3rd row, the fourth seat in all by myself.

And Cookie goes over and gets me a cup of coffee and he filled it half full

and he knew I was a drink. Oh, first of all, he, he came on Friday noon. He said, did you drink? And I said, no, you told me not to. And I'm going like this. And he said, you know, I got a Valium. And I said, what's that? And he said, well, he said it'll kind of quiet your nerves. But he says, you know, you can't get addicted. Oh shit, I don't want that.

I got enough, he said. I got a drink in the car if I got a drink in the house.

But you see, I'm going to tell you 25 years ago, you know, before you get the drunk to the to the 24 hour club we're talking about, he gave him a drink and I can understand that today, but I used to say why did they give him a drink? They give him a drink to get him there.

I did that. You want a drink, honey? Yeah. OK. You have a drink. You really mean I can have a drink and I'm going to Crossroads? Oh, yeah. Because once you get to Crossroads, don't anymore.

I knew that. They don't know that, but I knew that. And he offered me a drink. It's oh God, I got a drink right here in the house. I want to drink,

he said. I forgot to bring you the literature, see. I found out later though. But see, I didn't know that. Found out later. He didn't give me the literature because he come back to check on me.

That's what you call.

He didn't forget little Adele up there on Buck Ave.

Come back and he gave me some papers and he said I'm going to pick you up. Now remember, I'm going to pick you up Sunday night. I'm going to take you to the meeting. And he did.

And I was a member of that that group until I left there a year ago,

whether I liked him or not,

one girl says. You don't like the group? No.

So what is it about the group you don't like? I sound like the people in it,

which I said, what are they doing to you? Like they're bothering me.

Well, what? What if there was no people there? What would you do? I can't be alone, she said. Do you want to be alone? I said no, You better go back to the group.

She was right.

She was right.

I was now taking everybody's inventory, having a ball with it.

So I took them to my first meeting. Now be forever grateful for that. And that man drank after 16 years of sobriety. I don't know how many years he had when I came in, but well, anyway, three years later, I think it was three years later, my 12th kept my sponsor.

He said, how the hell did you get here? I walked into his room. His mother I had met his mother was beautiful, Mother-in-law was beautiful. And she said he's in there. So I didn't mean

OK, what the hell you're doing.

What the hell let you in here? I don't know, but I'm here. You want to go to a meeting? No. Well, and I talked to him the same way he talked to me

and mandied Soba. He was on his way to a meeting going from the 24 hour club up to Congress St. and he died on the sidewalk. What a way to go

right in God's hands.

So beautiful.

That's really precious to me.

Stay in the program. You see a lot of stuff.

So I went to these meetings and

I listened. I couldn't read. And one of the gentlemen kept saying if you don't read the big book, you'll never stay sober. I'm going to tell you something, kids, if you don't read, don't worry about it because here's, I'm going to say illiterate. I know how to read. I couldn't read. Who the hell can read when my eyes were crossed and bloodshot? And I said, if I don't read that big book, I'm going to die because he said that. And I believe everything everybody said that got up here,

I heard their stories so well, I could tell you each one of them stories.

And they said when you get tired of hitting somebody's story, get up and tell your own.

I said, Oh no, I don't want to get up there. I said, well, then shut up.

I say, oh, is that him again going to say that there was only about eight guys. I mean, you know, got to speak a meeting we're going to do. They told me I had to keep shut up, keep my mouth quiet for 30,

for 90 days, three months.

Pretty soon Henry Leiden, he's passed away. He come up to me and he said tell you want to speak. She's almost all out of the chair, said no.

Oh, I was about a month and a half sober

and I said they said three months. I whispered to it, did you know they said three months?

And he said, John, I know that

says you want to know something. A Johnny came right down close to me and he said there's a lot of firsts in this program.

First you had to make a decision to come to the program, then you had to make a decision to come each week to each meeting, and now you've got to make a decision whether you're going to speak and share or not. And he walked away and left them.

Gee, got my coffee and here I am. I start to shake all over again

and I said these guys have been so good to me. I really shouldn't say no.

These guys have really been good to me.

So pretty soon Jimmy goes by

Jimmy.

What is it? I said. I'll say a few words, but like that, he said.

Wonderful, wonderful boxer.

I got up and I said my name is Adele and I'm an alcoholic and I'm a very nervous and I drank for so long and I don't know how. I don't know. I guess I better sit down.

I did it.

They were sorry for that.

There's nothing of drunk likes to do but share,

so you want to say a few words? How many?

And you know, there's a woman that was in this program that came in, they came in during the 11th March, I think February, I think everybody got cleaned out of snow. And I was going to, I was going to the meetings in a truck and didn't have any. Well, I was. I was also a contractor, you know, you guys, I was a contract drove truck and I felt snow.

Isn't that funny? I could have killed him for teaching me to do that.

I'm old gardens, mowed lawns and did all of these things. You know, I almost put a truck up for sale, but I didn't do. But I'll tell you one thing I did do. I put I put snow blower for sale for three years

drunk. This could be I plowed snow. I I with a snow blower up in the Western Promenade. I said. This one began to get a chivalrum sick and tired of doing it, 'cause I was drunk. I was sitting, I had men working for me.

I was sitting in the bank and I was drunk, drank the night before. You know, it doesn't go off here. So I took the lawn mowers in the summertime and I remote for sale, told Text. I want to sell those lawn mowers in this summer time. You can't do that.

And the jaw or the jaw is great. They put a, he put a, he put a on the tire there where you put on the winter tank. Jane put a chain on it.

Well, because it wasn't. I had to work it so hard to put a chain on it. Won't work pretty good. Put them up and sold them. He come home. That's sold everything. She sold everything. You crazy or something? Yeah. I ain't working no more like that.

But

I forgot where. It doesn't matter. I listened in this program and I wanted this program. And he drank. And this girl, Mary, that's what I was going to say. Mary Kay. She is 44 years of sobriety. Today

she picked me up as sponsoring and I knew nothing of a sponsor. And she said to me, she says I want you to go to the retreat. And I said,

what's a retreat?

And she said, well, don't you worry yourself about it. She said, if you get $25, I said, yeah, I'm going to come and pick you up. And we're going to go to retreating desktop now, don't you worry a bit about it. And we're going to have a nice time and we're going to go learn about about God

while I was duping, thinking, you know, I was due and they had the banner, but for the grace of God in front of me. And the first thing I said is, oh shit, you know, I got to go to confession. They're going to put me in the middle of the room and they're going to say you. And they don't know they didn't do that, but I was waiting for it. So I went home and I said to Jack, I said, I'm going to a retreat. He said. What's a retreat?

I don't know

because you don't know. I said no. I said all I know is I gotta have $25, give me $25. I'm going to retreat. So where you going? I don't know,

she had said Agape. I couldn't remember.

I was sick, you know? I want you to know that.

And so

she comes and picks me up and takes me to the retreat. I go to the retreat and it's first time I may have heard that I went to a retreat in April, April 16th. I'll never forget it.

And I learned that God loved me

unconditionally and I'm here this morning. This is a spiritual program and I'm here this morning to tell you that God loves you unconditionally. He doesn't care what you did and he doesn't care who you did it to. He doesn't care what you said. He doesn't care what you who you said it to. He just loves us so much,

you know

that not Fathom aren't Father Martin. Fathom Martin, you know, hasn't had a wonderful film. I think I saw about five times

and he said, and he said the statistics to Alcoholics Anonymous are

one out of security 6 the chosen.

Can you imagine that you are one out of 36 each one of you? And you know that puts such a thing on me. And I said God chose me for what? To stay sober and help other Alcoholics to achieve sobriety.

And you know, that meant a lot to me.

And he taught me about the Lord's Prayer.

And on that same weekend, they, they took the serenity prayer, put it, took it apart and put it back together. And I didn't understand these things. You know, I had to write down the serenity, but I couldn't remember. I'd seen it now other people's homes and I isn't that beautiful.

I never knowing that one day I was gonna live by that serenity prayer. And they took the Lord's Prayer and he took it apart. He stretched it and pulled it and tucked it and then they put it all back together and they made it delta on of them. Understand what the Lords Prayer is about

and there's so much meat in there, there's more, so much spirituality that enters into you. You know, we say the vine is the power.

You know, God gives us so much power. Just go up and think how much power he gave you to be here this morning.

You just look at yourself.

I was up in that room and I was thinking, wow.

And one of the chosen and he gave me the power to be dressed and to be clean and to be happy and to look in the mirror and say, Adele, I love you.

I can do that today

in the glory gives me the glory, the joy and the peace and the happiness that we were all looking for. What I was talking about a few minutes ago, Sadness,

the hate, we didn't know the difference. So I sat at these meetings and I went to these retreats. I went to retreats for eight years, and I went to 16 retreats because when I started one,

I went to 16 retreats twice a year. I went so that I could learn what the 12 suggested steps had to do with God and me and you.

And it was the best thing I ever did for myself

because I remember that there was a gentleman, he's passed away today, and he used to get up here and he said, well, if we talk too much about God, we're going to send them the drunk away.

How can you say that serenity prayer without saying God? You know why You tell me about it afterward. I'll talk with you after. I don't know how to do that

higher power. It takes a long time for us to keep coming back to meetings and they keep saying keep coming back, keep coming back and they want us to learn and they want us to learn. And you know, Eddie G got up here last night and it it was so cute because I just love Eddie GI. Don't. I don't know if ETA this morning, but I love Eddie G and he gave me my white chip and he reminds me every time you see me. I gave you a white chip, you know. All right,

I know

it says sign your name right here. He says, what's your name? And I what's your middle name? And I said brilliant. He said, well, you can put Blanche right here because this isn't an anonymous program. I don't know what the hell that word was to make no difference to me. I said, wow, everybody in Portland knows I'm a drunk, so I will Adele, Blanche, Chase Donovan right across the book.

And he gave me my right ship and I'll be so ever grateful. And he told me that if I drank, I had to break it. Oh, God, don't tell a drunk he's got to break something, you know. And I, I didn't have a pocket like you guys do, but it was on my counter. And he said if you break, if you have a drink, you break it and you bring it back. Can you imagine bringing a broken chip back to the group? No way.

I needed a drink, but I'm going to drink because I got to break the chip and dummy me and dummy yen. I brought my white chick back. It didn't tell me to keep it. I gave it back to him and he gave me the red one and he did that all the way through.

So I never did get my chat.

The silver one, you know, I kept that one and the gold one

and my year chair.

But in learning about God, I found that here in this program. And you were going to explain that very, very, very slowly to me. And I want to thank the Portland group and I want to thank all of drunks and all the Alcoholics that were around at that time for waiting for me.

They had to wait a long time for me to get that.

And you know, I was, I was two years sober or three years, so I don't remember, maybe six years sober, I don't know. But started the detox centers where we had detox, but they started the other ones there where you go rehab. And I had never been in a rehab, but you know, these people were coming out. My God, it was mad. Oh my God, they knew all about the big books and they knew all about the 12:00 and 12:00. And I said, Jesus, I never learned that till I was two years sober,

you know? Well, our plumber's sick of another. So I used to say, well, I'm sicker than they are 'cause I never heard what they're talking about, you know?

So I got right into the program in that area

because all the people were telling me was to stay sober. And you know, Ernie Thompson was just a little guy about this big and God, he used to make me mad. And I had in for a sponsor at the group