Wayne B. at Rocky Point Roundup Oct. 16 1999

She likes me.

I

incoming

Wayne Butler. I'm an alcoholic.

Want to thank the committee, Nikki and Lori and all those

associated with the committee for inviting me to come and spend this weekend with you folks. I've had a grand time and it's not going to stop tonight. I'm going to enjoy the entire weekend and and

I've been spoiled. I just can't hardly stand it. But Don't Stop

had a fruit basket in my room, had flowers given me by the hotel. And I've just been a grand time. I've been taken out to eat and and I've been well taken care of. And Eric, the newcomer over here, he brought me a box of Imodium D to take care of the coffee I had, and

it isn't working just yet,

but I've had a grand time.

I'm really distracted right now by these lights are just shining right in the side of my face.

Not your problem, but I'll get over as soon as I quit pouting about it.

Steve gave a good talk last night. Uh,

Carol, my surrogate mother,

my mom and dad's both passed on and, and I'm an horseman.

Thank you.

And Carol has become special in my life, as has my sponsors wife Charlotte,

Always Anonymous. The best deal in town. If you're new, if you're new, I want to welcome you to Alcoholics Anonymous. I know we got two newcomers over here standing good and standing guard on the passers by. I think one has 15 days and the other has 14 days. And and it's I got to ride down here with him and it was just a pleasure to see the neuroses.

We didn't even need to stop and get gas.

Just Eric talked and we flew

and I met my alter ego. Sean called my God,

and tomorrow morning, I hope you don't bail out on a Sunday morning speaker because you're going to miss not only a real treat, but a fine example of Alcoholics Anonymous. I know because she's in my Home group and I know she walks like she talks because I watch and I hope you watch. If you're new in this room and, and the things I share tonight, I feel free to check it out in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous and then your own experience. And, and if you don't identify with me, make sure you go to another meeting and listen to another speaker. And, and please don't judge a a by my

tonight because it's only my experience. And if you don't identify with that HC, leave a just because you think it doesn't work for you through me. Make sure you make another meeting. Make a lot of meetings. This is probably I've been sober almost 22 years. My sobriety days have been great. 1977 I had a drink pill of Potter potion or lotion from the neck up since that day.

I'm 49 years old. I'll be 50 next month.

Hey did good.

I love Alcoholics Anonymous.

If you're new in this gathering tonight, I want you to know that the most important message I probably have to share is that I love A A. I'm going to take me off and say it,

but it's the most important thing I got to say. I love a A, and if you're new in this room and you don't understand what that means, you, well, I know many of you are here for your first week, and I've had the pleasure of talking to a number of men and women Alcoholics. Now this is their first round up. I truly hope it's not your last.

I'm going to tell you about my first round up in a little bit, but I got to become an alcoholic first. It's kind of hard to get all thrilled about a roundup if you ain't an alcoholic or got some other kind of ISM affliction

I mentioned. I love. A

reason I make that such a big deal is at the age of 18 I was diagnosed by a panel of seven psychiatrists and irreversible psychopath. They told me I exhibited no form of conscious remorse, guilt or shame. They said it did not have the capacity to extend nor feel loved and that I never would. That was right after I tried to kill my entire family and influence a bottle of tequila. And so I don't drink tequila no more.

And they told me I would never feel that emotion. I hope you hear that because later on in my story, you're going to know that something betrayed that belief. Something happened to me, an Alcoholics Anonymous. The power of Alcoholics Anonymous, the power is contained in the rooms and gatherings like this with people like you all around the world. And I think it's important to mention that we're approaching our fast approaching our 65th anniversary of Alcoholics Anonymous. Do you realize there's over 5000 years of recorded history where they had absolutely no solution for those of you who suffer from the spiritual

alcoholism? And so I'm going to do my very best. And I tell you I love A. A means I honor the traditions of the best of my ability,

which means when I say I love A, it means I'm going to show up. When I say I'm going to show up, I'm going to do it. I say I'm going to do not because of the threat of my sponsor, but because I respect and love Alcoholics Anonymous. That's why. And so when I'm asked to do something like this, I dress up. I dress up because my first sponsor taught me that. He says, we don't want to see how really sick you are. Put a suit on, pal.

Newcomer ain't going to hear a word you're saying, but they'll see how you look. Give it a chance.

And then I I tried to challenge them. They I went around everywhere I could go and look for Bill and Bob's picture in something other than a suit when they were speaking in Alcoholics Anonymous. I have not been able to find it. My first sponsor told me when I can find a picture of Bill talking in AT shirt so can I

Hasn't happened yet

and I know I look good tonight.

Thank you. It was alive, but that made me feel good.

I don't know they it helps to drink to be an alcoholic. Did you know that

some people don't know that I drink? I love to drink, I love Budweiser.

Some people say that if all you drank was beer, you can't be an alcoholic.

Oops,

I drank Budweiser. I'm gonna tell you how much I love Budweiser. When I see the Clydesdales in a parade, I weep.

I understand Louis the Lizard.

I get that weasel too.

Now I'm gonna tell you how much I miss Budweiser.

I was at a convention in Saint Louis a few months back and as we were flying over Saint Louis I swear I could see Anheuser Busch below and I asked the pilot to slow down so we could have a moment of silence.

I love Budweiser and I also like fine wine like Ripple,

Boone's Farm, Strawberry Hill.

Now I don't know about you, but you know why I like Booze Farm Library Hill? Because when I'm when I puke, it looks like I'm bleeding internally.

People feel sorry for me. Buy me a drink

that add on Little Mad Dog 2020. Great.

Yeah, Dante. What? That won't do what Budweiser will do,

and I won't do it. Budweiser will do, but it will give you a condition that's terminal. You ever hear of that condition called ATD Alcoholic Terminal diarrhea?

I swear to God I had diarrhea for six years.

When you've had diarrhea that long, you got to have good decision making skills

and you got to develop split second timing.

Emma Puerto

And I've got false teeth because I stood up a lot when I should have shut up a lot. Now I'm gonna taste them. I'm so good at puking. I could hit this front row right here and not even touch my shoe tonight.

And if my denture falls out, Mickey, just catch it and give it back. It'll be all right. I remember I'd be at home. You know, my wife would never come into the bathroom with me. That was my throne of contempt. Whenever I come home, my wife would not follow me into the bathroom because she just never knew what might take place in there. One night I came home drunk and I went into the bathroom and I was in there, Ralph, and for everything I'm working. All of a sudden, my denture blew right out into the stool. I do know pitiful and comprehensible demoralization

because, see, I knew in a split second of time that if those teeth went down that hole, they were gone for good. And I can't afford another pair. So it's a race between me and the hole at the bottom.

So I catch them just before they go down the shooter and I think, well what the hell. I rinse them off and put right back in.

I sure miss drinking

now. I never intended for that to happen to me.

That's not how I started drinking. That's how I ended up. I couldn't believe it. I could not believe where I'd ended up drinking. I did not know what was going to happen to me. I had no idea what was wrong with me. I've sat in meetings like this asking myself what in God's name is wrong with me? I've been sitting in meeting with sober Alcoholics, wondering what is wrong with me. I wish I was like you. I wish I had your problems. I wish I was an alcoholic not knowing what's wrong. See, just because I sit in a place like this does not indicate that I have alcoholism.

Just because I said this place is not even indicate that I'm an alcoholic. It just means I'm a massive unrealized potential,

but something's real wrong with me and I don't know what it is. I suppose I could blame my family if I look barn up, but I don't want to do that because as long as I blame my family, I never get to recover because I never get done looking at them to look at myself. Now I'm going to tell you about my family a little bit, but not a lot. I'm not going to come up here and tell you bad things. What my dad did to me, my mom did to me, my brother did to me, my sister did to me, my uncle did to me. And I'm going to tell you why they might want to come into a A and recover too someday. And I don't want them to be judged by you and I before they get here.

They should have the same opportunity to stumble and fumble and bumble their way into a A and say hi, I'm Larry, I'm an alcoholic. And have you have no prior information about them whatsoever should be a free right for them to get in here. I will tell you this about my family.

Watch Jerry Springer for about a week.

It's like a Butler family reunion. My dad was an alcoholic. My mother was God. I just love my mother. My mother was a professional wrestler.

Now you're going to hear Sharon talk in the morning. She's from my area. She understands. My mother was about 5 foot nothing. She weighed about 200 lbs with no fat. She had four arms twice the size of mine. She had a flying eagle tattooed on each one.

She had other tattoos but I'm not at liberty to disclose them. My mom was cool. She loved to beat up men. She loved to thump on my. I used to think my dad abused my mother, but I now know it was him screaming.

She wasn't even an alcoholic, she was just trying to practice her alumnism

untreated.

My dad died from untreated alcoholism. My mother died from untreated aleronautism.

My brother is sober 18 years now. College Anonymous goes one year, one meeting a year, whether needs it or not,

and I'm the only one in alcohol. He's anonymous in my entire family that's involved in the capacity of alcohol, autonomous that I'm involved in. I don't know that I'm the sanest one in my family, but I'll do till they change it. I love a A because a A is giving me an opportunity to come out of the despair that I was in, the hopelessness and the futility of life as I knew it, that I had come to uncover and discover in my life as a way of life. All because drinking did something for me that it wasn't supposed to do.

And a big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, Doctor Silkworth Talks, gives a description of a person like me. And if you're alcoholic of my type, I presume, like you, he talks about people like me. Abnormal drinkers drink essentially because I like the effect produced by alcohol

and that the phenomenon in craving engages. This allows me to stop when I want to, or when a good enough reason calls for it. I can't stop.

That all sounds good, but I didn't really understand what that meant. And then I was predisposed to a condition on his alcoholism. Now I need to share this with you. I have a thing called alcoholism that ISM is a fascinating thing because that's what allows me to be in here with you tonight. Because when I have the ISM and I combine alcohol, something magnificent takes place in my mind that it's not supposed to.

And the Big Book of Alcohol is anonymous. There's a description of the ISM, the ISM. It goes like this internal spiritual maladjustment. You see, I have a spiritual disease. It's not limited to just a disease. What I have is a spiritual disease,

and I have to know it's a spiritual disease. Otherwise why would I render myself subject to a resolution called the 12 Steps of alcohol synonymous because they're spiritual in nature? Why would I submit myself to the power of a sponsor and a Home group and the service that we all commit ourselves to if I don't believe it's spiritual in nature?

And then the big book, it says I have an internal spiritual maladjustment. Now I'm going to help you out because I know you don't believe me. Check it out. On page 53 it says God is everything or he's nothing. God either is or he isn't. What's my decision to be? And then on page 55, it says deep down inside, every man, woman and child is a fundamental idea of God. Now, if you're new and you don't like the idea of God, I'm going to borrow you three of mine. Take whichever one you like or take them all.

God, group of drunks,

See, when I'm with you, I'm not with me.

You hear me? Because when I'm not with you, I'm left with me, and I'm not alone.

There should be a neighborhood water sign right there,

not to keep anything from getting in,

but in case anything might leak out.

Then there is another one in the big book. It says what we have here is a design for a living. My sponsor said it's a good, orderly design, God. And then the other one is God, Good orderly direction. In the 12 and 12, it says until I am ready to accept advice and take direction from someone skilled in this experience, I am left with sobriety that remains precarious. And so I have subjected myself to the ability to take direction from someone in my life who knows more about me than I do through his own

experience. That's called my sponsor. So deep down inside, every man, woman, jobs fundamental idea of God. Then on page Roman numeral 24, we get the hook. It says quote, I am maladjusted to life in full flight from reality

and outright metal detective.

Therein lies my hope for the future.

Now, you might wonder how this maladjustment affects my, my, my, myself as a child of God.

According to Doctor Shilpworth and I might add collectively, Father Ed Darling, Reverend Sam Shoemaker, and Dr. Harry Tebow, they have a collection of symptoms that causes me to have the ISM that precipitates me to becoming an alcoholic. And I think it's important for me to share that. I know that because it allows me to sit in these rooms after 21 years and 11 months, when I tell you I'm an alcoholic, according to these fine men, here's what I'm really suggesting. I realize I look to you right now

like I'm a full grown adult

mature

man.

In reality, I remain childish, grandiose and gravely emotionally immature

as a goal human concern. My natural state is what I'm growing, anxiety, depression and fear coupled with an intense desire for excitement.

A condition to me which renders me

obsessive, compulsive imposed, obsessive, controlling, demanding need for attention,

acceptance and unqualified approval.

A condition of being which renders me restless, veritable and discontent with life. Now you might wonder how that discontentment shows up in my spiritual nature. Mentally, emotionally, mentally. My thought life is governed by 100 forms of fear, self delusions, self seeking himself, pity, all of which drive me to live my life. According to selfie designer self singing and considered resembled frightened motives in life,

motives which left unattended and me aroused and engaged, dangerous and life threatening, and I said life threatening

levels of lust.

Try not to make eye contact right there

by anger Indy green sloth Gladly I turn into a big I want it all.

That renders me emotionally a bit sensitive,

which means I have a strong density toward taking everything I see or hear.

Personal.

I don't like criticism.

Strange as it seems, I can't stand praise neither I I don't believe you.

When it comes to sovereignty, mostly I don't like to suffer emotionally. I don't suffer well and I don't suffer alone.

Socially, I'm a banker of the idealist and rooting perfectionist who lived defensively and guarded in Faribine. Found out

as such, I tend to rationalize minimize Justin binding I all my actions while casting blame upon innocent people and a vigorous attempt to avoid detection.

Regarding my fellow man and woman, I demand, and I said demand, the absolute possession and control of everybody

and every circumstance that enters my arena life. Therefore, when I respond to you, I am quick to anger,

to virtue, and I get a distinct, succinct delight and twisted pleasure out of judging and criticizing everybody I see.

Mom standing characteristic is defiance

and rebellion. Dogs my every step. Now, as a child of God,

that's a catalogue of my finer qualities.

Anybody wanna date?

I'm looking for work

now let me tell you something. That's the greatest description of my personality I ever saw, and I want to tell you what makes it alcoholism. You see, given those symptoms, that ISM that

if you're new in this room, I want to suggest something to you. At every meeting you go to, you're going to hear those exact same sentence symptoms. And I'm going to go out on a limb. If you're an old timer and you've been around for a long time, I'm going to submit you. And I believe you've heard him at every meeting you've been to. However, here's how you're going to hear him.

I don't fit in.

I don't belong,

I'm not a part of what's wrong with me. I must be different.

This how all that comes out. Not a big psychological breakthrough, but it's real. Now I'm gonna tell you how it affects me. You see, my sponsor that I have today, Clancy tells me I have what's called a disease of perception. Now it's going to help you to understand what I mean by that. Or this is dialogue is going to become a mutant point here pretty quick. When I was new I was about 3 minutes sober and my sponsor took me to a meeting in Chicago because the police were looking for me in Moline.

We went to this anniversary, this group called the Mustard Seed group. Not been around day eight for quite a while by this time so I was pretty sure I knew how a a worked. I just couldn't stay sober.

She takes me to this meeting and it's seated just like this. There's about 300 people in the room and my sponsors in the front row with all the old cronies. They put out sick ones in the 2nd row in my opinion, so they have to look at the disease.

And there's a speaker up here you don't speaking just like I am, lying just like some of you going to think I am before I'm done. And I'm talking to my best friend Jimmy. I've known him 3 minutes. He's sitting right next to me. I found it necessary to critique the speaker, just like I've seen some of you doing already.

So he starts talking on and and I heard that speaker say something that I know is a bald faced lie. I looked at Jimmy and I said, I mean, I'm talking out loud. I said, Jimmy, how could New York send him to talk at this anniversary? He's a liar.

Then he talked on and I couldn't stand them going crazy because I'm trying to be spiritual. I'm so over 3 1/2 weeks. I said, Jimmy, he couldn't have done that. He'd be in prison for the rest of his natural life. And Jimmy goes.

And then he talked on and I could Jimmy, he's a liar. He couldn't have drank like that. I know his guts and fall out and Jimmy go.

And then he talked on and said, oh Jimmy, I can't stand it. He couldn't have done that. He'd be locked up in the psych ward. I know. I've been there 17 times.

I guess my sponsor got sick and tired of hearing me. He looked, turned around and looked me right in the eye in front of 300 people. Here's what I heard him say. Shut up, you God damn loser.

You ain't got a thing to say. We want to hear. And if we ever think you do, we'll come out to that abandoned car we pulled you out of behind Harvey's restaurant. Well still your little horn and invite you in to share.

Now, until then, sit there, keep your big mouth shut, or leave. That's what I heard him say. Come to find out, here's what it really said.

So I hear funny.

So here I am an 8 or nine years old. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm already plagued with these feelings I don't understand. And somewhere between 8:00 and 9:00 years old, I'm at home and I look in the mirror and I think to myself, Butler,

Stu, Betzel, it's going to be a long life and it's going to be locally because you are but ugly, pal,

I have no God-given idea where that thought came in. My mother never sat me down and said, Oh you, oh you poor little son of A,

you are so ugly.

Just out of mercy alone, I put you back in my good.

That's not what my mother said, but that's what I heard when she said Rain, I love you,

you hear me?

I also felt retarded.

Now I will tell you something about people like me and I presume people like you. I lack the power to act better than I feel, unlike earth people out there

why God urged people can control their feelings, not me. I follow them. Even if it's going to kill me, I want to make sure by doing it.

And I felt retarded. So apparently in an effort to not be insane, I acted how I felt and I started acting retarded. You know what will happen if you act retarded? They'll diagnose you.

I got diagnosed severely emotionally retarded in 9th grade and they put me in a retarded class. Not special Ed, not the remedials, the retarded class.

My nickname was Retardo. I loved it

and I'm gonna tell you somebody into my 9th grade. I didn't prove so much. They kept me there.

I never left the retarded class. I graduated high school with the retarded class. I was on a short bus for a long time.

9-17 years old now. There's a guy named Tom who takes us retarded kids on field trips because he gets extra merit badges for Boy Scouts or something like that,

and he liked me. He said I was the brightest of the bunch.

I was pretty pleased about that. I remember I told my sponsor one time that Tom said I was the brightest of the punch and he said it dummy.

Do you know a light bulb burns brightest just before it burns out?

You gotta love your sponsor.

So Tom takes us on field trips and we came to the senior dance. I'm 17 years old, I'm 6 foot three, I weigh 120 lbs and I swear to God, in four years of high school I never spoke 10 sentences. The caption under my name in a real yearbook reads Silent Butler. I never said a word that nobody.

I was cunning, baffling. I thought powerful.

Tom takes me to the senior dance. I go to that senior dance. Biggest thing on my body is an infected pimple. I just feel terrible

and I'm standing up against the wall with my 13 1/2 inch gunboat feet and I swear to God if you say one word about my feet, I'll kill your family. That's how I felt. And I'm watching boys and girls do what boys and girls do, but I don't know what they do. So I'm just watching them do what they did. And Tom brings you over this long brown bottle with a red, white and blue label

called Budweiser. I swear to God, if I know what was going to do, I saluted it.

He brings me over that bottle, but he says here, Wayne, drink, it'll make you feel better. I drank it and I said, Tom, that tastes terrible. I want a Pepsi Cola, Tom said. That's OK, kid. You'll get used to it

now. That isn't what he meant. What he meant was, like anybody else that drinks for the first time, you're going to be a snot in those little kids. You're probably going to drink too much, pee in your dresser drawer, have to do your laundry, but you'll be OK.

Daddy, what happened to me? And that is what happens to the alcoholic. An abnormal reaction in my mind took place so forth calls it an illusion. What that means is the Earth people don't see it, but I will defend it to the death.

It's an illusion.

Somewhere between 4:00 and 5:00 Budweiser. I got some good looking. I couldn't stand it.

I looked down the dance floor. I I eyeballed me. A blue eyed blonde dancing with some loser

and I watched right up during after the dance and she said yes.

I found out later that night section meant two people

I didn't know that I'm in a retarded class. What do I know?

Came through the next morning, couldn't remember what all took place. Tom Tillman had a great time. Went back to retarded class.

Few weeks later my dad calls me and said pal we got a problem. I said what's that? He said you know I grew. He's with at that party. I said yesterday said you know she's 16. I said what do I know? He said she's pregnant. I said, what's that mean?

You know, there's a law in Illinois where a boy 14 or older has sex with a girl 17 or younger is called statutory rate. I said, what's that mean, Dad? He says 20 years to life. I said even if you're retarded.

So we did some research and we found out if you marry him, you don't go to jail. So I fell in love.

We got married. You got a picture of this? We drive down to Fort Myer, Missouri

in separate cars

on the way back as my mom and dad driving me and my new wife Bonnie with Lil Wayne in the tummy, and it occurs to me I'm about to graduate to retarded class in high school. I'm married, going to have a baby and I've drank one time.

I'm done

now, Silkworth says. That people like me who drink like I do and feel the way I do, we get geographical. What that means is when it's displeasant over here, we move over there. Now my brother was in a place called Vietnam.

I didn't know where that was, but his mail was marked airmail free, so I knew that was a long way from where I was. So I remember asking my dad if I could join the Navy. My dad looked me right in the eye and he said son, I don't know if they'll take a retarded kid, but let's go see.

And on the way to recruiting offices. Now, don't tell them what class you're in. Just tell them you're a senior. I'll sign the papers. Don't tell them you're retarded. You'll be fine. So he coached me into the Navy. I joined the Naval Reserve. And everything was happening joyous and free. I graduated high school. And just before I turned 18, I went to a party. Now, you see, in the book Alcohol is Anonymous, Doctor Silkworth tells me that I'm going to experience strange mental.

Prior to a lapse in the drinking. Well, I went to that party and I noticed Budweiser and I made a constant decision not to drink Budweiser because I don't want no more babies.

But I saw this big bottle of clear liquid called tequila. Now I never had that before, so I drank the whole bottle. Tom said you got to watch out, that ain't like Budweiser. That'll catch up to you. I didn't know what he meant by that. I do now. It means I'm going to talk to God

in person.

I had a conversation with God that night and I told God all the things I thought was done to me by my family growing up. I wanted to get even. I heard God tell me go home and kill my family,

and as a result of that ended up in the psychiatric system, unexamined by doctors. I take the MNPI to Cal State Poll and they tell me I'm crazy as hell and they want to confine me. They can't release me because if they release me and I do bodily harm to my family, they'll be sued, they'll be liable. They can't do that. And my mother looked right at that doctor and said, but you can't keep him. He's in the Navy, he'll be AWOL.

You gotta love your mother

because one of them psychiatrists was the Lieutenant the United States Naval Reserve when he found out I was in the Naval Reserve. This was in May of 1968,

by July 1968, he said. Mrs. Butler, we know a good place to your son. We can serve his country and do his thing. And I found myself in Vietnam before he could blink. They didn't think I'd come back.

I've been in 17 psychiatry institutions and I love it there.

I really do. It's warm and fuzzy.

See if you drink like I drank. I'm going to tell you how to do this in case you slip.

Have you drank like I drank and you act like I acted on the streets? I couldn't get a date to save my life but you put me in a psych ward and I got a 5050 shot.

Some of them institutions even tie them down. I don't want to tell you.

Now I've had enough Thorazine put in my system slow me down to I'm 210

now. Thorazine doesn't do a damn thing to slow down your thinking or desire, but it will keep you away for a long time. You'll never get there.

You can think whatever you want, but you're never going to arrive.

Well, I know if it does it to me, it's got to do it to you girls too. So they bring the Med cart right out onto the floor of the psych ward. I just pick out which one I want to date

and watch her take her Thorazine. Then I'd time it 'cause I know what about 1/2 hour? I'm gonna have a date.

That does not make me crazy. It just means there's something wrong. We don't know what that is. It looks like I'm nuts. It looks like I have some psychosocial disorder that needs to be treated. Very little did they know about alcoholism, or they could have called it alcoholism 25 years ago, 30 years ago, but they called it many other things out of the DSM 3.

That's why Alcoholic Anonymous is so important. People, we have to keep Alcoholics Anonymous pure so that when some sick and suffering Alcoholics that's confused stumbles in these rooms, he's going to be filled with experts all around him, you and I, sharing our personal experience one with another. You can say, yeah, I felt like that. Yeah, I did that. Yeah, I've been there. Yeah. That's me. I drank like you. My God, what can I do? And then I promise you, me or someone like me will sit down and show you what we did. That's alcohol. It's not,

but at that time they didn't have this there

and I was sent into the system, but for the grace of God, I drank again. Now you think I wouldn't drink after that second experience, I ended up in Vietnam. I was gone three years. I don't want to take a lot of time. I never drank the entire time I was gone in Vietnam, never did a drug, never done nothing. Just went start grieving and saying came back from there three years later

as captain's driver, been decorated. My career was set. I was playing baseball for the 7th Fleet. My life was set, folks. I'm 21 years old and it looks good. I haven't drank since that second time. And you got to admit, after the first two times I drank, you might want to think about it.

Trump played baseball, having a good time, and then the captain asked me about babies. I my captain respects me just like my sponsor does and I don't want to do anything to usurp that respect.

When my captain asked me to babysit his children so he could go to an officers ball, I of course said yes. Immediately I checked out the ships company car and on the way to pick up his kids the thought occurred to me from nowhere. Wayne, let's start and get a six pack of bullet. What the hell? What can it hurt?

We ain't drank for three years and prior to that we only drained twice and nothing really bad happened.

I don't know if you think like that, but I stopped and bought that six pack and drank it and then I put his precious little children into that car to go get another six pack and that's all I remember. I blacked out. I came out and blacked out with my captain 2 inch from my face screaming where's my kids?

I didn't know.

He really wanted to know.

We had to do some research to find them. That got me discharged from the Navy because I refused to go to treatment. You see, he had me see a doctor in the Navy by his name about a purse who said that I was an alcoholic. And I said I'm not an alcoholic. I've only drank three times in my life. By then it was four. I said I'm not no alcoholic. I got problems. You wouldn't have taken me if I didn't have problems, remember? And so they solved their problem. They discharged me from the Navy. And to make a Long story short, from that day to the day I took my last drink, I was drinking for the same exact reason,

to recreate the original effect producer. I was 17 and that that effect produces very simple. If you're new, I want you to hear this. It's in the 12:00 and 12:00.

Doctor Tebow through Father Ed Dolly and wrote this for Bill Wilson. He said that reason we loved alcohol all too much is because it did let us act extemporaneously and then Bacchus boomeranged on us. You know, Bacchus in the old days is called the God of wine. He's talking about the effect produces God, like,

you know what that means? Extemporaneous. It's just a big word which means I can walk amongst you in a natural state of condition. In other words, when I drink alcohol, I don't feel skinny, I don't feel afraid. I don't care if I got pimples. I can talk to girls, I can be amongst men, I can be a man amongst men, free of my fears. Only I don't know. It is an illusion. And that's why alcohol is coming. Baffling and powerful. Because when I ingest ethyl hydroxide into my system, when I drink Budweiser, something happens to me at a level beneath my consciousness that is so cunning

and so badly did lead me to believe that I can keep drinking and I will one day again feel normal. And I submit to you, that day will never come again. I have to find a sufficient substitute for the effect produced by alcohol. If I am not defined that substitute, I am condemned and committed to drink again and again and again and again and again. And I have that proof.

Thank God for the people of alcoholism. Reach out to people like you and I

Winter in 1972 it was too cold to stay rise. Now living. You see my wife kicked me out. I couldn't stay there no more. My second wife I was kicked out had nowhere to go. Even my friends wouldn't talk to me. I couldn't even stay in the bar. Larry's Oasis. He allowed me to sleep in the in the duplex Outback. He had side by side dumpsters.

I'm going to tell you something. Wow, here, obstacious slip. Let me tell you this, and you're in the Midwest. It gets cold there, but if you Burrow down into about 3 feet of decomposing, freezing garbage, it gives off a strange kind of a heat that will keep you from getting frostbite.

And if you're hungry, what the hell?

Remember, I sleep in that dunker 'cause it was so cold out I couldn't get out and I heard a knock on the lid of my dumpster. I told

open the door.

You know who was looking down in there at me? My father. He looked at me and he says you want to come home? My mind says no.

Looks like I'm enjoying life. Does it, Dad? I'd invite you in if I had room. After all, Dad, I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you and what you do. That's what my mind said. You know what my mouth said? No thanks, Dad. I'm I'm doing fine.

He didn't need Al Anon close the lid left did not try to coerce me. He released me with love

and I'm so glad he did. If he had taken me home, I would be dead right now. I believe that it got too cold to stay in that dunker, so I went to this restaurant called Harveys Restaurant. And you know, I got, I got this ability to make old women feel sorry for me. I don't know where that comes from, but I just got it

and I was, you know, I talked as waitress on the 3rd shift and giving me a hot cup of water and that would mix to Heinz tomato ketchup up in it to get myself a hot cup of soup. And then she would hide saltines in the garbage can Outback so I could find him so she wouldn't get fired for helping a bomb. Unbeknownst to me, the owner of that restaurant is a guy named Harvey. He'd been watching me. He allowed me to cut a deal with her to mop and wax the dining room force for two sausage sandwiches on whole wheat toast. I thought that wasn't a whole lot, but you can't really argue when you're sleeping Outback in the car

One night, Harvey comes in. He's got this brass coin on one side, he's got two as on another side, he's got this stupid prayer. God, grant me something. I don't know what it is, but he says here now, here's what he actually said. He said, I want you to take this coin to 416 16th St., Moline.

Go and see those people. They're friends of mine. Tell them Harvey sent you. They're going to help you now. That's what he said. Here's what I heard.

If you go down there, these friends of mine are gonna give you some free food to eat 'cause you know you're hungry. They're gonna give you some pocket dough 'cause we know you're broke and they're gonna give you 3 or 4 packs of pillow mill tailor made cigarettes.