Keith L. from Wilmington, NC at 23rd annual San Diego spring roundup

Thank you, Catherine. My name is Keith Lewis. I'm an alcoholic. I bring your greetings from the Midtown group of Alcoholics Anonymous. We meet on Monday and Thursday evenings at 7:00 in Wilmington, NC. If you were ever there, come by. I promise you that you'll be made to feel welcome, just as I have here. And I, I really want to thank the committee for not only asking me, but staying with me.

They asked me for last year and because of some physical problems, I wasn't able to make it. But but they were kind enough to invite me back this year. I guess they already had paid for the plane ticket. So I thought that, you know,

and, and I'd like to thank my lovely wife Julia for coming with me. And I want to thank the committee for including her because many weekends I have to leave and go off by myself. And you can just take one look at her and know how difficult that must be. I, I want to thank Catherine and Jack and and Shirley and, and just everybody who's been so kind,

my, my friend Cliff and Pat, who have hosted us. They drove clear to the desert Wednesday and picked us up and brought us back to

and let us stay in their lovely home and and they've just been wonderful. I Cliff had called me earlier and said that there had been a drawing and they lost.

I want to thank, I especially want to talk, you know, being a member of Alcoholics Anonymous, there are moments that are just thrill filled. I mean, I, I don't know another way to say it. And one of those moments happened for me Wednesday when Pat and Cliff picked us up and they drove over the mountains and Pat was driving and, and Pat was doing 1015 at times 20 miles over the speed limit. And and she had this tremendous ability to

drive through these mountain roads while pointing out points of interest

and looking at me in the back seat. It was an amazing thing to hold up,

Tremendous

and I really want to thank John for this beautiful club that that he gave me. He told me it's a it's an honest program and he said that that the worst golfer was going to get that club and I was surprised to see him give it to me. I really was. He was putting with it. He was on my team and I think that's what went wrong.

You know, I want to thank the other speakers too. I, my, my cup is already running over my, my friend Vince. Last night was, was just fantastic. And the family thing this morning was just wonderful. I I don't know when I've enjoyed anything as much. And, and my friend Craig, I played golf with Craig and Craig is really the kindest man on the golf course, the most gracious man I've ever played golf with. And I really mean enemy. Whatever you did, even no matter how wrong it was, he'd say something nice. And

I was Al was over on the ninth tee and it was a it was a par three and and I walked A6 iron over in this ditch and Craig watched it and, you know, 40 yards, of course in a ditch. And he said it was the right distance.

And I said, but it's in a ditch. Craig,

I, you're in for a treat tomorrow morning with Marcy. She's from from Georgia and, and I've had occasion to be with her and, and, and I hope she'll tell you about her lovely sponsor. She has a sponsor named Maggie, who is probably single handedly responsible for more sober members of Alcoholics Anonymous than anybody I personally know. And, and I was privileged to lead a retreat

in Cullman, AL for, for Maggie. And,

and I got to thank her. I had a dear friend named Bob Brown who passed away a couple years ago. And, and Bob was just a wonderful man. And, and I, I was privileged to be with him at the end. And when he passed away and we talked and his only friends, Ken and, and he said that one of his regrets was that he never had the opportunity to think. Maggie. Maggie ran the Biscayne Room, which was a place in in Georgia before they allowed us Alcoholics, before they discovered insurance and allowed us Alcoholics and hosp.

Maggie would take people off the street and detoxify them in a Biscayne room. And she saved my friend Bob Brown's life. And before he died, just an hour or so before he died, he said one of the things he regretted was that he never got to think Maggie and, and I got to thank her for my friend Bob. You know, Alcoholics Anonymous is an amazing organization and I've been with you. Well, next, next month it'll be 27 years and

you never cease to amaze me

who and what you are and what you have made me as a result of who and what you are. I'll be profoundly grateful for as long as I live. Someone said to me one time, do you ever get tired of getting on airplanes and doing those things and this and that? And frankly, the answer is yes. I'd, I'd love to stay home and practice my golf game and John, but I like that too. And, and, and everything else. But you see, I can't because

I'm hopelessly in debt to you.

I owe you everything and, and I'm so deeply in debt that I can't even pay the interest on the principal. And if I spend the rest of my life thanking you, it'll never be enough. I've been in California for a while now. I was up in Fresno a couple weeks ago and I went down the desert and spent some time with my brother and, and got over to Paramount Speakers last week. And, and I'm just thrilled to be here.

If you're kind of new here,

and I know we met him, I met a one man named Dominic who came over from Arizona and delighted he's here. He's got about five months, which we would all agree as an awful lot of not drinking five months. And, but if you're kind of new here, what I'll try to do tonight, at least to the best of my ability, is, is to tell you a little bit about what it was like, what happened and, and what I'm like today. And, and I'll try to do that. And and if I fail, it doesn't matter because Monday morning I'm on an airplane either way.

But

you may want to talk to the committee.

I was born in a small town in Ohio and a place called Martins Ferry. If you hadn't been there, I wouldn't bother. But

I'm the second child, the eldest son, and there were, I had nine brothers and sisters, and I'm Irish. I won't tell you what church I went to. It's gotten a lot of play this weekend, I'll tell you that. And I will give you a hint. It's got something to do with bingo, but I'm not going to say any more than that.

And, and as I think back on it now, I, I think that one of the things that characterized my childhood was the fact that I was scared. I think I was born scared. I I,

I also had the idea that I couldn't talk about it and now nobody ever said that to me. I came up with all of this myself. I, I've been sober, came into a a too long ago to have learned about the child within.

And I don't want to be critical of that. I really don't. But when I came in, they didn't tell me anything about healing the child with and they told me I had to discipline the little child within and that's what the problem was. But but, but I didn't know that I was seeing life differently than other people. Of course I didn't because I never talked about it. But most of all, what I was, was afraid.

And every nights I'd lay in bed, think of thinking about what it was I was going to be, I was afraid of. And, and I would come up with all these things like, you know, five years old and, and I thought about everybody, all the men seem to get married, which meant one day I'd have to get married. And I didn't even like girls all that much. And, and, and who would marry me? I mean, my ears stuck out, you know, I look like a taxi cab with the rear door open. And

and I was a skinny little kid and I had something lived under my bed and, and it and,

and it was, it was only there when it was dark and, and I could press my little ear against the mattress and I didn't move here and moving around down there. And, and I knew what it was there for. I mean, I intuitively knew that it was waiting for me to dangle my little legs over the side of the bed and I was hitting gone. I knew that. And and I couldn't talk about any of these things. And I just imagined one day the family be at breakfast and they'd say, where's Keith?

And they say, Oh no, this thing under the bed got him. And,

and there's an awful way to live. And I had a speech impediment and, and, and only the people who who love me understood me and, and, and they treated me like I was normal. And I am grateful for that. But but I just a screwed up kid and, and, and I was always looking for solutions for life. And, and I came up with some great solutions. The problem was it didn't fit the problem, but it was a great solution. I, I'm reminded of the, the ladies were playing golf and they sliced

shot over in the next fairway and a woman shouted 4 but it was too late. And there were, there were four men over there and a one man fell to the ground and he was rolling around. He had his hands between his legs and he was just withering in agony. And, and she went running over there and she said, Sir, I'm so sorry. We couldn't even talk to her. He's just grown and heck with his hands between his legs. And, and she said, I'm a physical therapist. I believe I can help you. And she she unbuckled his pants and, and, and, and then unzipped his pants and she reached down and began to massage.

She said, there, Sir, doesn't that feel better? He said. He said, yes, it does, he said, but my thumb still hurts like hell. And

you know, it's a it's a wonderful solution. It just didn't fit the problem. And

friend Marty told me that he lives out in the desert and

it's just amazing. I mean, and that's the way my life seemed to go And. And, and I remember I my first drinking experience. Yeah, I, I think you have to drink at least once if you want to be a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. Now, I bumped into some people I have a few doubts about, but that's another topic. And, and when I first time I drank, I drank at home. I was five years old and I didn't go out a lot when I was 5 and,

and my mother was out, She was either to bingo or having a baby or something. And,

and my father was watching us and he was watching me. And I had a brother, dumb Denny, Denny's a year younger than me. And, and, and we're playing bug or something at the kitchen table and, and I guess Dad thought it would be funny and he got us each a beer, you know. Well, nothing happened to me. Danny, on the other hand, was having a spiritual awakening.

He slid out of the chair and he's rolling around under the table and he was singing Mary Had a Little Lamb another drinking songs and

and my dad panicked, you know, and he wrestled him to the ground. He got put his jammies on you the kind of feet in the trap door and and he took him upstairs and he put him in bed and he said to me, get get ready for bed, son. I said, OK, dad and and I got ready and got into bed and and he said, don't tell your mother about this and I'll take you to the movies. And I thought, well, you know, they don't negotiate much with you when you're 5. So I was game, but Denny wasn't hearing it. He was having the best time and

I never forget this as long as I live. Little dumb Denny stood up in his crib

and he urinated on the floor.

And I remember watching that thinking, you know, there's a kid who's powerless over alcohol and whose life has become my medicine.

And, you know, it's as strange as seeing you just never made it. You know, we're, we're not proud of this. But Danny just never really, you know, got ahold of it. He did some strange things. I'll give you some examples. Then he went to one college.

It gets worse, gets worse.

He had one major

he graduated in four years. I never heard of such a thing.

What the one Graduate School

graduated top in his class had a number of job offers. He picked one.

He just retired a couple years ago as a vice president in a large international corporation. A strangest thing of all was he married one woman.

Here's a guy at the world in the palm of his hands when he's four years old. He let it slip through his fingers. You know,

I had to work at this thing I was 21 years old for. I urinated on the bedroom floor for the first time.

I It'd be my great privilege to introduce to you my sister-in-law, Jan and my brother, Dumb Denny. Would you stand up, please?

You know, I,

I, I tried like crazy as a kid to do it right and it never seemed to go real well for me. I was an OK student, but I was never particularly a brilliant one. And I was an OK baseball player, but I was never particularly, you know, outstanding. Denny was a superb athlete. And, and, and So what I discovered I could do well in high school was to be bad.

I wasn't that good at being bad. I couldn't get into much trouble. But I was what they call mischievous and, and I was in a lot of trouble in high school, a lot of disciplinary action. And, and

if we'd have been wealthy, I think I'd have been diagnosed as an acting out adolescent.

We were poor. So I was just a punk and,

and we used to, we used to have to serve detention. And and if you serve detention in our high school, you went to the library and served it with Sister Victoria. Remember Sister Victoria, she has this wonderful little nun who used to round run around saying really absurd things like every boy is a Prince and every girl is a Princess because we have a father who's a king. How disgusting.

And we'd say call each other Prince Keith and Princess Mary and and all that stuff. And, and, and when you served attention in a library with Sister Victoria had to make rosary beads,

OK. And those are things that Catholics prey on. And rosary beads have 10 beads in each decade, and they're five decades in a rosary. And, and so she'd give you pliers and wire and these beads and things and, and you'd make rosary beads. And then they give them to the missions. They send them to the missions. And I spent a lot of time with Sister Victoria. And she used to put me behind a magazine rack. She said I was a Prince, but I was contagious. So

sit behind a magazine rack making rosary beads and I got really good at it. And and my rosaries were different than other people's rosary. I made them with 11 beads in each decade.

And you know, after four years, I had hundreds and hundreds of mutant rosary beads all over the world and

and she never caught on. And you know, just you can't not tell him. You know, I mean, you got to tell him. And and so I just before I graduated, I went to see her and I said, sister, you know what I've been doing in the last four years? She said, yes, you slide little Prince. She said, you've been putting extra beads in all the rosary. And she said, and I know why you've been doing it. And I remember thinking, I hope she tells me because I have no foggiest idea. Why do this?

And she said people all over the world are going to pray extra prayers and God's going to give you all a credit.

Don't you just hate people like that? You

and then she did something that terrified me. She took she had this beautiful smile. I have a yearbook and I frequently open a picture and and open a book and just look at her. And she took both of my hands in her hands and she said, you know, you're a very special little Prince. She said God loves you very much. And she said, when I first met you, I knew you were special. And she put a medal of Saint Jude on her beads. And she said, whenever I get to this Meadow, I say a special prayer for you. Now Saint Jude's a patron St. of lost causes, incidentally,

and she said one day you're going to go all around the world telling God's children just how very much he loves them. And so if, if I've missed you, I just want you to know in honor of sister Victoria, God loves you very much. I, I graduated from high school, much to everybody surprise, and I'd like to talk about my graduation. It it was different. We had a principal who called me into his office and said it wasn't absolutely essential for me to show up for graduation

and father will mask you with his name. And I said, well, I said I, I have to father. He said, I said, if I didn't, it would just break my mother's heart. And he said I was afraid you'd take that position. And, and, and he said, we don't want any trouble. Well, you know, we found out today that that if you're Catholic, you get lined up by alphabet, which wouldn't be bad because then I'd be in the middle of the pack. At our school, we did it by size, and I was the smallest one. And there were two people who hated that. The smallest guy in the tallest girl hated that system,

but so I was the first one. So we had to go up these bleachers, right, which meant I was at the far end and everybody on that road very gradually and imperceptible shifted over and shifted over. And somewhere in the middle of the bishops really moving taught, I ran out of Bleacher and, and I was hanging on the backdrop

and I looked over and Father Wolmowski had his face in his hands and, and I don't think he was crying. But,

and, and then when you went up to get your diploma,

I, I almost never wore a dress or anything like that. And so we had these, we had these robes on and you're supposed to genuflect and you kissed the bishops ring. And then you, you, you know, you stand up and you leave. And but if you step on the front of your gown, when you stand up, you're going to Bishop's lap, which is what happened to me.

And I looked over and sure enough, Father Wilmowski was praying. And,

and then, you know, I had a terrible dilemma. I, I had no earthly idea what I was going to do with my life. I had no idea what I was going to do with my life. And, and, and, and so I took one of my very first inventories. I, I, I should remember, I stood in front of the mirror, I took my shirt off and, and I flexed my muscles and, and, and I turned sideways and I stuck my chest out and, you know, and, and I was 5 feet one inches tall and I weighed 113 lbs. And whatever else I was, I was a born killer. So.

So I went over to Wheeling, WV and joined the Marine Corps. And

the problem with that was that I wasn't yet 18 years of age. So I had to get my parents consent. And I failed to tell my parents just slipped my mind and and a recruiter showed up at our house and my poor mother almost died. And and I remembered as long as I lived, the poor thing, she cried all night and she kept saying Scott, they'll kill him. And my dad kept saying don't worry Pat, they won't take him. So.

Would that vote of confidence? The next morning we got a taxi cabin, went over to the bus terminal in Wheeling, WV, West Virginia, and they put me on a bus

and I went to Pittsburgh. Was a second longest trip I'd ever made. It was 60 miles and went to Cleveland once and and I knew nothing about anything, you know, I mean, it's just nothing about anything. It's just the dumbest kid, whoever lived and and I didn't know that I couldn't ask.

Craig talked about that so well this afternoon. I didn't know and I didn't know. I couldn't ask. And I thought I had to ask. I had to act like I knew. So what I do is I got very good at watching you and I was I would do what you did just a split second behind you. I almost looked like a shadow. I would do it so, so close to you. Did a bit. I had no idea what to do. And,

and it was a it was a very bad year in the Marine Corps. They took if you had a pulse. And so that afternoon I was sworn in the United States Marine Corps. And, and that evening, three guys from Pittsburgh were also sworn in. We had to catch a train at midnight. And, and so they turned, they said, hey, kid, we're going to go over to a bar and get a sandwich and a couple beers. And I said, you know, that's just what I was thinking. So I went with him and and we went to this bar and I'll never forget as long as I live now, you know, I'd maybe had a drink of this

drink of that at home or something, but but I never drank

prior to this time. I never drank. And I follow these guys into this bar. And a bar was filled with real men, you know the kind, you know, they had tattoos, you know, they spit on the floor. You know, they they knew words. I couldn't even imagine doing those things. And and in real men have real women with them. OK, Real women hang around real men. Guys like me used to get what was left and and I follow them over there. And the bartender came over and he said, what do you want? And I thought, Oh my God, a quiz.

I thought the way life worked was when you least expected it. Someone was going to say, take out a blank sheet of paper,

put your name in the upper left hand corner and they were going to ask a bunch of questions. Now I had a lot of answers because I studied all the time. The problem was I never studied the right stuff and I didn't know how to answer this question. And so I watched the other guys and they said we'll have a beer. And I said me too. And

and then he came back. He asked the same question. And then he came back a third time. And I knew the answer. I answered first,

and something happened to me between the second and third drink. And it you're here, it probably happened to you too. And and that is I had what would pass for a profound spiritual awakening. I stood up. I didn't mean to stand up. I just couldn't help just stood up. The floor was 6 feet 4 inches below me, and my right shoulder was out there and my left shoulder was. The muscles are rippling through my body. And in that mind, it had been filled with so much fear. You know, the only thing I knew about the Marine Corps was they took a certain number of men to South Carolina and drowned them in

everyone. That's all I knew. And and all of a sudden that mind was boom is crystal clear. And I remember thinking, but of course, it's so simple. Why didn't I see it before? And for the first time in my life, I saw the big picture. The first time in my life I really felt like I was somebody. It had happened occasionally. Danny and I played on a Little League baseball team. I won a championship three out of four years. And the night that they gave us the trophy, I was somebody. But as soon as we left, I didn't know who I was again. And and but this moment I knew

I was somebody and and and and I looked around the room and my heart broke because it was still with a bunch of pathetic, sniveling little men. All of them had women with them are looking at me with her hungry eyes. You know how they do it. And,

and I was in 7th Ave. It was wonderful. And, and I went from table to table just answering questions. It's amazing. I mean, I answered questions they didn't even have. And, and it's it was wonderful. They kept buying me beer and it got more and more wonderful. And Pittsburgh is the greatest place I've ever been in. And, and, and, and just before midnight, they said we better go. And, and it seems to me that the people in this bar said, please don't go. We've just discovered you.

And I said no, I have to go and make the world safe for democracy. And,

and we went through the train and, and I got on a train. Now, I assume I got on a train OK because

I woke up on a train and that's reasonable. And I was laying on the floor of the Pullman coach the Marine Corps had kindly provided me with. And someone had wet the floor I was lying on. And whoever it was, they had wet me too. And,

and I was in Washington, DC, which is three times as far from home as I've ever been in. Again. I was 5 feet one. He's just torn away 113 pounds. I was terrified. And, and I changed my clothes and I got off the train and the guys are waiting on the platform and they said we're going to go over and have a few beers for breakfast. What do you want to do? I said, that's just what I was thinking. And, and we went over and had a few beers and, and, and we drank all the way to South Carolina. And, and that evening I fell off a train in a place called Yamasi, South Carolina. If you haven't been there, I wouldn't recommend

either. And someone moved a bottom step. I don't know exactly what happened but I fell across the next set of railroad tracks. It was a very rude man there the day it sent to greet us and

he was hurling obscenities at myself and the other men who went down there to die for their country. And

and I remember trying to explain to this Cretan that he'd probably get along a lot better if he treat us with a little respect and and very limited man. He never seemed to grasp exactly what it was I was trying to convey to him. I think he was just shouting so much they really couldn't hear. And

and they say you can learn from every experience. And what I learned from that experience is you can do a lot of push-ups drunk. That's what I learned medically

and I know we just had a wonderful meal and I don't want to be in delicate, but I'll tell you something else. You can do push ups and throw up at the same time. And I wouldn't recommend it, but it can be done. And and the next morning we went on to this place called Parris Island and and I was welcomed into the United States Marine Corps and I must tell you I loved it. I loved everything about it. Now, if you didn't think I belonged here before that statement, you know I belong here now. But but I did, and I often wondered why I loved a Marine Corps so much. And it's truthfully,

I think I just figured it out a few years ago. I, my whole life, I guessed at life. I never actually knew what my job description was. I never knew what was expected of me. But the Marine Corps has a very clear idea of what it is they want you to do, and they aren't a bit shy about sharing it with you.

And I discovered, and I'm a doer. If I know what to do, I'll do it. And that's what I did in the Marine Corps. And I took to it like a duct of water and I grew a few inches and I packed on some muscle and, and I graduated from Parris Island

Dress Blues Award, Outstanding Man's award. Every promotion I ever got in the Marine Corps was a meritorious promotion. I loved it. I was the youngest NCO in the Marine Corps one time and, and, and I worked hard and, and I was offered a Commission and I would have been the youngest officer in the Marine Corps. There was only one problem. And the problem was I had this little thing called alcoholism. And, and I'll tell you what alcoholism is for me, OK. I, I, I think, I think of it in two ways #1 pre alcoholic condition is a condition

that will allow me to be surrounded by love as I was my whole life. My parents, you know, my father would play ball with me or checkers with me every day that I let him. Every day that I was in her house, my mother hugged me and kissed me and told me that she loved me. And I would have told you I wasn't loved. It's an amazing phenomenon, the inability to feel love. I have a friend, but my friend Bob Brown used to say I was never loved the way I thought I needed to be loved.

And I had the ability just to see what was wrong. I would see how that we were poor. I would see what we didn't have. We didn't have a car and we didn't have that. I didn't see the fact that I had brothers and sisters that I loved so much and, and a grandmother and on and on and on. Just wonderful, wonderful people in my life. That's condition #1 condition #2 is that condition that I will fall. Craig talked this afternoon about enthusiasm and, and enthusiasm is something I find it's sort of endemic in alcoholic's and

certainly obvious among sober Alcoholics, but it's also obvious among drinking Alcoholics. And, and I would become tremendously enthusiastic about whatever the way of life was that I had wandered into. And then I would quickly or not so quickly begin to violate every principle associated with that way of life. And then I'd have to blame them for what happened to me. And that's what I did in the Marine Corps. I ended up in Santa Domingo in 1965

leading a patrol. Took a group of men on a patrol

into a Fire Zone in a blackout. I don't remember going and I don't remember coming back. What I remember was waking up. I was fully closed. I had a 45 with a round in the chamber and a hammer back and three rounds were missing. I rarely slept that way. And and I woke up and, and they woke me up and asked me to make a report on what happened the night before. And I don't even remember going into the city. And I couldn't report. And so I sidestepped it adroitly and I turned down that Commission and I got out. And then I blamed the Marine Corps for

happened to me. And that's my story that that's my drunk a log. That's it, pure and simple. I would become very enthusiastic about a way of life and then I'd end up violating every principle associated with that way of life. And I got married and that's what I did as a married man. I violated every principle associated with being married. I became a man. I became emotionally, physically and spiritually abusive to the woman I was married to. We had two beautiful children and our second daughter Kimberly was born and, and she was almost three months premature and she she

very serious case of HYLA membrane disease. And she was born in a hospital which I was working, Georgetown University Hospital. And, and in three days before she was born, they had bought an experimental machine. And so it was there the day she was born. And, and the day she was born, I was passed out on a living room floor in my underwear. And my wife had tried to wake me and couldn't. So she threw water on me and, and then she called the neighbors. And so when I opened my eyes, I was laying on the floor,

this apartment

in my underwear, soaking wet with my neighbors looking at me the way they look at us, you know, with that disgust. And but you couldn't know more disgust or more incomprehensible demoralization than I felt. And, and I remember I got up and I ran in and I got dressed and my wife was crying and, and I got her in a car and we rushed across Washington, DC to to the emergency room at Georgetown University. And then I began to demand that they take care of my wife because I work here. And that's just an absolute embarrassment. I was drunk. I was a mess.

And I turned around. I went home and and just as I laid down, the phone rang. And she said, she said, Kimberly has highly membrane disease. They don't expect her to live. Would you please come in? And I remember how angry I was and helpless and hopeless. And I went in and for the next two days, I sat in an office with the door slightly adjourned, a lighthouse, watching this little girl struggle for every breath she could take. And I knew what to do. I mean, I watched my father. My father knew how to be a father and he knew how to be a a husband.

And I knew what he had done. He'd have gone in and has put his arm around his wife and he just said Pat will do this. And there was nothing left inside of me. And I cowered in a dark room and watched my wife go in and baptize a little girl because they didn't think she lived through the night. And, and I had long since given up on God. And, and, and I in a desperate move, I, I ran down to the Chapel and I got on my knees in front of the Tabernacle. And I was a little kid who loved a Tabernacle, and I'd never go by the church that I didn't go in and say hi to Jesus.

And I got on my knees in front of the Tabernacle when I begged, glad to let my little girl live. I never want to forget this as long as I live. I told God if he'd let her live, I'd do anything. I said if you'll let her live, I won't drink. And I was drunk in 12 hours.

I drank when I thought drinking would kill my little girl.

You know, Blaise Pascal, the great French philosopher and theologian, said that God created man in his own image. And unfortunately, man returned to favor and, and I was so spiritually ill by this time that I created a God who would kill a little girl because her dad was sick

and that's not the way God is. And, and she, she lived and they said she'd be retarded and, and

last week she had my second granddaughter and she's an honor graduate from Auburn University. I always tell her, I think you can be retarded and be an honor graduate from Auburn University. But

but she and her husband graduated from Auburn and he's a dentist and she's a school teacher and, and it's just wonderful. And yet, you know I couldn't not drink for 24 hours

thinking that drinking would kill her. And I never want to forget that. I never want to forget how powerless over alcohol this human being was when you found them,

you know? And I went to where a guy like me has to go and that's a Skid Row section of Washington, DC. And I lost everything.

And one morning, May the 13th, 1973, I got up what passed for a went into what passed for a bathroom and a dive in which I was living. And I had a bunch of pills and, and I just didn't see any other way out. And to this day, I don't know if I began to take them or not. What I do remember was saying something to the effect of your 29 years old and it'll be over. Now. I really want to stress here. There were hundreds and hundreds of people in my life who loved me enough to do whatever it took and I didn't know it

When they say that alcoholism is selfishness and self centeredness, It really is. And I was about to perform the most self-centered act a human being can perform, that is to take his own life thinking it wouldn't matter to anybody else.

And I heard a voice, It was a woman's voice, which surprised me. And, and, and, and in fact told me that when you're 29, it's not supposed to be over. It's supposed to be starting. And, and it Jarred, Jarred me and, and, and I immediately remembered it. My strange wife had give me a couple of telephone numbers and one was to Alcoholics Anonymous and one was to a treatment center. And I could only find one number. And I, I called it and it happened to be the treatment center. And I spoke to a woman who knew what to say to me because she was a recovering alcoholic.

And I spent the next three days not drinking, trying to come up with enough money to get into a treatment center. And it was only $350.00. And I went to the bank to try to borrow some money on this old car I had. And, and part of what went on with me those three days was auditory hallucinations. And it was funny. I put a nickel in the parking meter and the London Pharmonic Symphony would be playing Beethoven's Fifth Symphony. Beautiful thing. And I'd be standing by the parking meter thinking what a great deal of, you know, I mean, a nickel. You get to park and you

listen to music. None as in a banker's. I'm sitting there talking to a banker and I'm here in Beethoven's Fifth Symphony. And, and I realized there wasn't Muzak. I was the only guy who was enjoying this music. And, and then the next day, the stuff out of the corner of the eyes. Remember those? You know, there's things that dart around. And then I started, my skin started moving around on me and, and three days later, I somehow knew it was time. And I got in a car and I drove from Washington, DC out to this little treatment center

and, and it took me 5 hours to drive 30 miles. How about we used to call the run in fits and, and I, I could go so far and then I'd be sick and, and I'd throw up and then I'd wet my pants and,

and I and I'd be sick and I changed my clothes and I was changing my clothes outside of this broken down car on Route 29 outside of Washington, DC at my 5 Thea Kappa key fell out of my pocket and I wondered what had happened. They always told me that I had so much potential and I was saving it for a rainy day and and then there was nothing there. And I went to this place finally. And that night they put me on a bus and they sent me to a place called Alcoholics Anonymous. And I never knew Alcoholics Anonymous existed. I worked in one of the finest medical centers

in the United States, and I didn't know that Alcoholics Anonymous existed. And I'll never forget that day as long as I live. I didn't know it did, but it was to be the beginning of the rest of my life. And I got off this bus and I walked up and there was an old man at the door, really an obnoxious kind of guy, you know, looking in the eye, you know the kind, you know. And

I was a shoe guy. I like to look at shoes and.

And he shook my hand and he said, you're new. And I thought, Oh, my God, he's psychic. And

and he said to me, put his arm around me. And he said, you know, Sonny said, if you keep coming here, you never have to drink again. And I just wanted to scream at him. You don't know me. I'm a guy who drinks when he thinks drinking will kill his little girl. But he did know me because he was an alcoholic and he was a member of Alcoholics Anonymous.

And what I couldn't do on my knees begging God, I did in the presence of perfect strangers. From that day to this, you've kept your promise. I've not had to take a drink. And he took me inside and introduced me. An old woman is 10 days older than dirt, the oldest human being I ever saw in my life. She got me a half a cup of coffee and it sat next to me and patted me and. And halfway through the meeting, she looked over and the old face exploded into a smile. And she said, if you stay with us, honey, you

be alone again. And I began to cry. I didn't know that what I had been was alone, so desperately alone. That's what I love about 12 Step work. I love about prisons and many of the places of privilege to go,