Sara A. in Youth and Recovery meeting

Welcome to the meeting of NA. Welcome to the NA Young people in NA meeting and for first speaker. Sarah is going to share experience with folks. She's from the Small wonder area.

These microphones are really intimidating. They're just like,

well, I guess I'm an addict and my name is Sarah and I'm really nervous to be up there. I guess everybody can tell that I shared that one time in a meeting and some guy told me that

there there's like the scale of fears for people and public speaking was number one and death is number 10. So I didn't feel so bad. I figure everybody's pretty nervous.

I haven't really thought about what I wanted to share. I guess the topic is using recovery. And I figure I know something about that because I'm young and I'm in recovery. It's something I've had experience with and I just wanted to share my experience with it, you know, and, and how I feel being in recovery and not Even so much how I feel being my age and recovery. Because the biggest thing for me when I came into recovery was I'm too young. I shouldn't be here. I'm not allowed to be here. Everybody's older than I am,

and I picked out all the differences between me and everybody else in the room, and I decided that it wasn't for me.

And so I don't want to concentrate today on on my age or on youngness because that's not why we're here. You know, like, I don't think we're in this meeting just because everybody's young. You know, I'm glad to see that there are people that are not 20 under here because, you know, there's no reason that recovery needs to be segregated. You know, everybody's the same. And that's something I feel real strongly about. We're all just addicts, and we all earned our seat. You know, we all did what we had to do to get here.

My big thing was now I've had people come up to me and say, we're really glad you're here before you had to get any pain, you know, and I've had people say that to me. And it's just like, I wouldn't be here if I didn't have any pain, you know, I wouldn't. Like, I didn't put using because drugs were fun for me. I didn't quit using because I liked active addiction. You know, I quit it because it hurt and,

and I guess I'll, I'll start out, you know, I'd like to be able to cram my whole life in 20 minutes and tell you guys everything that happened to me, but I can't. And I figure the addiction part of my life is pretty much the same as everybody. You know, I use and I don't want to get into a whole bunch of drug stories and a whole bunch of using stories because that's something that I can do real well. I can sit and talk about all the things that I did and I could take up hours just doing that. But

I don't know. I figure I was an addict when I was born, you know? I mean, like, I didn't use as soon as I was born.

But you know, even the things I did before I started using when I was little, you know, when I was a baby, they weren't what other people that our addicts did, you know, they weren't attitudes that other people had. They weren't acceptable. You know, I was really young when I started realizing that I was different from people. You know, I wasn't the real popular kid in school. I wasn't the real popular kid in nursery school. You know, I was kids that everybody picked up. I was a kid that whined a lot. I was a kid that had to have what I wanted.

Umm, well, I found a way to get what I wanted, you know? And it was never working for what I wanted. It was never talking to people for what I wanted. It was always demanding what I wanted, manipulating for what I wanted.

I was a real selfish little kid, you know, I was, I was just real maladjusted to light, you know, and, and I think that was real clear before I started using. And, you know, I don't know what a functional family is. I used to say I come from a dysfunctional family, but I don't really know anybody that has a functional family. I think everybody has something. I think everybody has problems with their home life, you know, and, and I can't say that mine was,

you know, that good or that bad. I have, I have now, I was born into basically middle class families

and I was abused as a child. You know, we had a lot of problems with our relationships and my house wasn't a house where you could come and say, you come home from school and say, I had a really bad day. Somebody hurt my feelings, you know, where my house was in the house for you to say, I don't know what's going on here. Let's sit down and talk about it. And my house, we learned to hit, you know, we learned to yell, we learned to hide. I I thought I was thinking about my childhood, but I realized that I learned to push people out really early.

I used to go into my room when I was pissed off and literally push all my furniture up against my door. You know, so nobody could get in.

And that's an extreme case of not wanting anybody to know who I was, not wanting anybody to be around me.

And I grew up like that, you know,

so I got older, you know, and, and I, I closed up. No, I lived with having my feelings inside myself. I didn't know what my feelings were because we never expressed them at home, you know, And I used to say that I started using because I was abused, because I didn't go out with my family, because I couldn't do what I want, because I had, I wasn't free at home. You know, I used to give all these reasons for why I started using

and I started using because I wanted to, you know,

and I used to say I, when I, I went into rehab, I was forced to go and they told me there they said, you know, you started using because you wanted to sit in. And I said, no, that's so classic textbooks, you know, like she needs to start using because they don't fit in,

you know, and, and that's kind of true, you know, I looked to where people were accepted and I looked at the people that were using and I saw them being accepted, you know, and I wanted that. And as far as a really early age, but I just wanted to use, you know, before I started using,

I wanted that way of life. And

I don't know, I think that, you know, I started using because I wanted to use, you know, and there was nothing you could tell me that wasn't going to make me. The more people told me that I was doing things that were wrong, the more I wanted to do them because I liked them.

I don't know. I lost track of what I was saying.

I know, I know that I always wanted to be something different than what I was. You know, my mom always used to get around with me. Like you were 21 since the day you were born. You know, like when you reach this age, you'll be your prime age because you've always wanted to be that. I always wanted to be prettier than I was.

I just wanted to be older than I was. That was a big thing. I spent most of my addiction trying to book hold. I spent most of my addiction trying to be able to get into bars. You know, I sent most of my addiction trying to beat men that were like 10 years older than me. Because I wanted to be older. Because I wanted the freedom that came along with being older. Because I was 13 or 14 and I needed to be 18 to do what I wanted to do. Because my parents went away in my addiction, because school wasn't the way of my addiction, because my job was in the way of my addiction. I I didn't want to do anything

used and everything that I was supposed to be doing was just in the way of that, you know, so I gave up life that people wanted me to leave, you know, like I was in high school and I just decided that high school wasn't to me. I needed to use Fox school, you know, and, and, and people kept telling me like school is your job right now. You need to go to school. It didn't make any sense to me because school didn't have any any place in my future.

I didn't want to do anything that that that involved education. You know, it's kind of ironic now.

Umm. I wanted to use my dream was to be the coolest grandma and teach my grandkids how to party, right? You know how to do it up. I wanted to go live on an island somewhere with all the drugs in the world and no one else. May I? I hope people are laughing because they think that too.

Everyone feel like, yeah, right, whatever,

you know, and those are my dreams. Those are the those are the dreams that I have when I was using, you know,

I don't know, I don't want to go through my whole story. You know, I tell my story. Sounds like it's sitting here in my story now. It's like I only have one, you know, and I used to have these hospitals and teachers commitment and I would go in every week and share my story. And after a while, I got to do the same old shit. You know, it's just like,

I, I don't know, I was a minor when I got clean. I just turned into a major. So I'm not like, I'm not really, you know, but I like saying that if you feel better. But the point is that somebody could look at my life and say, your life is unmanageable, so we're going to manage it for you.

My parents lied to me and took me to a hospital, you know, And I was just about that for a very long time. You know, it's like you don't tell me you're taking me somewhere and then taking somewhere else. But that's the only way they could get me there. And they knew, you know, my parents didn't know what I was into. They didn't know who I was with. They didn't know the danger I was getting into. They didn't know the drugs that I was using and how sick I was. But they knew that there was something wrong with me. They knew that I used. They knew that I didn't go to school.

They knew that I was hurting, you know, and they knew I needed help.

And so they put me in a hospital and it took me off because they called a psychiatric hospital and I spent a long time fighting about that. No, it's a rehab, you know, I'm not in a nut hood and that doesn't really matter to me anymore, I guess. But I wouldn't see them for a month.

On the way out the door I said fuck you, I don't want to see you ever again. I hate you

and, and that must have hurt, you know, a lot that must, it must have taken a lot for them to take me there and leave me there.

And I was real hard asked for about a month and a half, you know, and, and, and nobody could tell me anything.

Everybody, the world was wrong and Sarah was right. There was nothing anybody could tell me that was going to make me stop. You know, when I got out, I was going to use again. And they brought Narcotics anonymous meetings into that institution. And, and, and I, I did like people to brought them. I, I looked at them and I was like, they're assholes. They go home and they read this, this book that they bring and, and they go to meetings every day and that's all they do. And they're just like

they're boring. I couldn't I couldn't see living my life like that and I couldn't see what they had for me.

And, and just one thing that the sky said one time really hit me. And he said, you know, there are three places that addicts end up jails, institutions and deaths. And he said, and you're in one of them.

And that really hit me. Like I never really realized it before that I read an institution because I was using because I couldn't handle life on my own. I always thought I had it real under control. I always thought I I had freedom because I could do whatever I wanted to do. And nobody could tell me differently because I made my own room, you know, and and yeah, there's a there's a pamphlet. What about what addiction is not? You know, it says right on top addiction is not freedom.

I got out of I get out of rehab and I wanted to use, you know, I didn't. I wasn't sure when I got out of rehab,

Umm, I wanted to use, you know, and for a long time I didn't know whether I wanted to stay clean or not. And I don't know why, but I came to meeting.

I came to my first meeting and I looked around and I decided that I didn't sit in,

but I was. I don't try to, but I'm too young, you know, I don't belong here. These people can't relate to me. They look down on me. I haven't done enough to be here. I haven't had enough pain to be here. I need to go out and eat some more so I can come back and then it'll be OK.

And people told me, people that I was afraid of, people that I didn't want to know, didn't want them to know me. They told me keep coming back. If you go back out, you'll die.

And I didn't believe him for a long time.

And, you know, I came in, I, I had a real problem, still a real problem with self esteem. You know, I used to base myself esteem on how I looked all the time. I still have a real problem meeting and and and making friends with women in the program.

I judge myself according to everybody else and I'm really intimidated by people. And I came into the room and I hid in a corner, literally. And I sat there and I didn't say anything during the meeting

and

umm, I don't know, after about I did that for like 18 months, you know, I, I would, I would say, I would stay in a meeting and I would say, I would say my name is Sarah. I'm Max. And I would share about the things that happened in my day. And I wouldn't say anything else. I wouldn't say I had any feelings. I wouldn't say how I felt about things going on in my day. I wouldn't say. I just said what happened, you know, and, and that helped me share, you know, that helped me get a feeling for what it was like to share with other people.

But I didn't trust the people in the rooms, you know, I didn't trust that they respected me.

Umm, I felt soon because I didn't feel like I could go in and share anything of value because I went back to high school after I got cleaned. I respect anyone that can start high school clean. It's a hard thing to do.

It's very hard. You know, I'm back to the same school that I, I went to when I used. And it was how, you know, it was really difficult to see the people that I used with to. I spent a long time building up a bad reputation for myself because that's what I wanted. And I went back to school and I couldn't get rid of it. You know, I was like,

and I didn't want it then, but I couldn't just be like, OK, I'm back. So again, all the things I did and now I'm different, you know, it just wasn't that way and I wasn't different when I came back, you know, I didn't work when I first got in recovery. I didn't work any steps. I didn't have any feelings. I didn't have any trust. I I didn't have any open mindedness. I didn't have any willingness. I didn't have much honesty. I didn't have a sponsor, you know, I had a Home group. I was like, I have a Home group and I share and that's what I do, you know,

And it took me a long time.

I had 18 months clean and I thought I had it together. And I thought, you know, I was doing things like I was working the first step in my life because I would read the steps and I would look down to one and then everything below one was awesome. It's because they said God and I worked at one of my life, I thought, and I fell apart at about 18 months. And I, I like, I'm crying in the meeting and I went up to some friends of mine. I told him I needed the name of some people so I could call somebody and ask for a sponsor. And that was a real big humble experience for me

now. And so I called this person up and and I said response from you don't know me, but what you sponsor me? She's like, okay,

so, so my sponsor ever since, you know, and the one thing I remember is I called up and I said, by the way, I'm only 16, will you sponsor me? That was a big thing because I needed, I needed that reassurance somebody was going to think I was OK in recovery because I was young, you know, because I just didn't have it. And she said, I don't think it matters what age you are as long as you want recovery now. And that really hit me

and I started working the steps and, and I would go around to meetings for a long time and I would care in meetings like I'm OK, I'm OK. I earned my seat here. I'm OK because I'm young. I had my teen. I would share about my pain. I would qualify myself every time I went into a meeting. And I used to think it was because I was letting other people know that I belonged here. But I was letting myself know, you know, I was reassuring myself that I was OK.

And with that came a lot of acceptance with myself.

I gained a lot of self esteem. You know, I don't have to worry about what I look like every time I go out of house. I don't have to worry if I look 25 or 21. Today, I probably don't even look like I'm 18. I looked in the mirror. I was like, I'm wearing a costume for this meeting. It's like Osh gosh, the Goshen.

But you know, I don't have to worry about how old I look. I don't have to worry about how old I sound. I don't have to worry about what I do anymore because I'm OK, you know, and I'm in recovery and I know that I work my program

someday and, uh, like I'm an empty person, you know, and it's OK to be in recovery and you know, you know it. And I used to think that it was unfair because I didn't, I didn't get to do enough things, you know, because I came in and I was like, somebody else has to do so much more shit. Like I was really pissed off because I didn't get screwed up. Like, that's sick, you know, That's really sick. But I felt that way.

I don't have to do that, you know.

And when I started thinking about all the fun I have and I start thinking about God, I'd really like to go back and use because I did this and this and this and this. I'd like to think about if I want to get beat up all the time, you know, if I want to be abused, if I want to be just like, do I want to live in hell? You know, because I want to have these huge deal. Few feelings, few feelings that I think drugs can give me and they can't, you know, And I know I belong here today,

you know, if I take any long time,

umm, I don't know, I, I, I had a real awakening last weekend because I have this, I have this thing I always thought I'd have this magic number of, of years or months or whatever that would make me cured. And I haven't gotten to it yet. You know, I, I don't know when it's going to come. I suppose it probably never will, but I tend to get in this, in this frame of mind where I think I'm okay, where I think I don't have to do anything because I have this much, you know, this much together.

I went away for weekends on my first professional convention. I expected to see like an A convention. It wasn't. Nobody hugged anybody

Suits. I was like,

no. And I got there and I was in a room full 800 people and I ran out crying because I didn't, I didn't know how important NA was in my life. I really take it for granted. I live near meetings, I can get to meetings. My friends are there all the time. And I never think about how important it is to me. And I didn't have it there and I didn't know where it was. So I ran out and called the hotline and called the clubhouse and got somebody to pick me up for a meeting. And it was just real humbling for me to realize that I was a newcomer there, that I had to go in and say I'm a newcomer, I need help, I'm hurting.

And I realized I have to do that all the time. You know, I have to do that all the time, even with my Home group now. And like most of my Home group is here now. It's just really cool. I have a lot of friends supporting me and my sponsors here and couple other friends and

I'm, you know, that's, that's cool. People drive, you know, to be with me, you know, and hang out with me and be at this convention and, you know, and, and just being young doesn't change it. I have a lot of friends that are not 18. You know, I have a lot of friends that are not 20. I have a lot of friends that are 30 and 40 that I hang out with,

old ones.

But you know, and I guess, I guess I've learned that like I never wanted to be a respectable member of society. When I got clean,

I I realized that that at some point I was probably going to lead a life like people that I didn't want to all people in school that I pushed away and I'm like depressed. They're, you know, whatever they are, I didn't want to be like them. They were respectable. They did what they were supposed to do. They looked like assholes to me. You know, that that was a bottom line,

No. And I didn't think there was going to be any excitement in recovery. My biggest thing was what am I going to do in the summer, You know, and it's like Friday nights out here at the Thursday night. Summer's not here for December. You know, if I take it one day at a time, things are going to get better by Friday night. I just use somebody's line big time. He's like,

you know, and, and and like

summer's great. You know, I've had the most exciting time since I've been in recovery. We go Cliff diving,

we go mountain climbing. I got certified in scuba diving and none of these things. I could have many things I ever wanted to do when I was using, I wanted to use

and you know, I graduated from high school, made it to College in my second year of school now, and I love it. You know, I love the things that I saw I always needed and I'm respectful in our society. I think some of these, you know, and I don't mind saying that I take pride in that. I think pride in my accomplishments. I think pride in the fact that of who I am, you know, and I see pride in the fact that I'm my age, you know, I think I think it can be a big asset in coverage. You know, I've had people come up and tell me that they're jealous.

And I don't think there's anything to be jealous about in me or anybody in this room because I don't think there's anything to be jealous about how I got here. I wouldn't wish it on anybody, but I didn't have to go through it any longer than I did. Well, I couldn't made it, you know, I just couldn't have made it. I belong here. When I came here, I I said it was ironic about how I hated school because I'm an education major now to be a teacher. So it's like

I had this thing about helping people. It's kind of my caretaker at if you don't want to please everybody, I guess that's why I'm in that profession.

I don't know. I'm really glad to be here. You know, I'm really glad everybody else is here. I don't know if I said anything profound. I always do profound in meetings that I go to, right? And and my friend Eric, he's like, he's like, you have to see profound just for me. So I probably haven't said anything profound. My sponsor told me that you have to go up there and share for you. And that's a little hard when there's these big microphones down in the face. But

I guess I did, you know, my experience

is that I belong here. You know, I earned my fee here. I worked to be where I am today. Recovery is not easy. It's not easy at all. It's a real bitch some days. But I haven't picked up, you know, I haven't thought about picking up today. I don't have the obsession to use like I used to. And that's a gift. You know, they say NA offers freedom from activation. That's all it offers. It doesn't offer these houses, it doesn't offer you schools, it doesn't offer you a job. It offers you freedom from active addiction. And all the other shit comes later,

you know, and I didn't believe that and I didn't believe in miracles, but I do. I believe miracles because I think I'm one. And I have a lot of people that aren't in the program that say what you've done is really amazing. And, and I don't think it's amazing for anybody. I think it's what we have to do to survive or to live, you know, they can be surviving for a while. And I think if we have to do the live, you know, and

I don't know, I'm just glad to be here. I guess It's a privilege to share up here.

It's real fucking scary though, and like all these people,

but I know I think my friends are supporting me stuff and everybody else in the room too. Everybody looks attentive, so I guess that's like a good sign,

but I don't know. I guess I'm out of time and I'm kind of out of words, so that's all I have.