Bryan K. at Williamsport Area Convention

Chip versus hockey shit, it would lead to this.

I'm happy and I'm thankful to a lot of my friends who came up from Philly and a lot of my friends here

in Williamsport. I'm also very nervous. It's like a nerve wracking thing to be sitting there while all the other stuff is going on and you trying to like collect your thoughts. And like, for the past couple days, I just kind of like, like, wanted to stay in the room and stay away because what happens

is like, people put pressure on you that you really don't need, you know, I don't know.

Hello

you, you got me.

We gonna have for fun,

but I like thank God, man, that like, you know, last year and a lot of times I like do stuff like this always like thank people for taking a risk and I had to change that vocabulary because I don't believe that people take risks today with me. I believe that some other people believe in me.

They want to help me in my recovery. You know, I thank y'all for inviting the bum off of 26 and Dawson.

You know, because we talking about the past, the self acceptance, right? And you got to talk about the path to self destruction first.

Nowadays it ain't popular to share about where you come from, because nowadays you go to meetings and people say it ain't about the drugs no more.

Yeah, yeah, that's what I saw.

You know, I'm still coming. Narcotics Anonymous meeting because I don't wanna get high no more. And that's like the main piece,

you know, a lot of people with 12 steps, 12 editions, a conscious contact with God. Use it

because they forget that staying clean must come first.

Alright alright alright. So I'm trying. So I'm trying to talk to the person that got 24 hours or less one day, 2 days,

you know, I ain't up here to share nothing spectacular, you know, because I, you know, I got with God. I said God, look, I don't know what they want to hear. I don't know what they expect, but I'm talking to those two people. Anything anyway. So if I don't meet up to the rest of your expectations, I wasn't talking to you anyhow.

You know, I come from like

Philly

and I started using drugs at an early age because I didn't like myself. We talking about the path of self acceptance. You know, there was that point in my life where I truly didn't like who I was and drugs seemed to alter my reality and I was able to create whatever I wanted to be even for a short period of time because drugs don't last that long. But for the time that it lasted, I was able to be whatever like I wanted to be because I didn't like being me.

I didn't like being dark skinned,

you know any, any dusting people.

We some pretty motherfuckers now.

How you do that one,

you need to learn some of that shit, you know what I'm saying?

I like to have fun, right. You know, one of the things that it talked about now eleven step that part of God's will for us is the last recovery is about enjoying living life on life terms. You know, a lot of times people be so serious and and and don't think nothing funny and and all you have to do is look at your life. You laugh at yourself.

That's funny.

You don't think nothing funny, just look at you. So like we have fun in recovery. I'm saying that to the newcomers who think that they need some type of chemical to put in their body to enjoy life,

that you can come up in this camp right here, right? Just stick and stay. Don't use. Do what we do and you'll have fun too. Right now, might not nothing be funny to you?

Yeah, y'all remember 1? Nothing funny to us,

but now you know we can laugh at a lot of things and it's OK because we ain't got to laugh at shit that ain't funny no more.

How many times you said to enter the table just laughing? So you was broke,

ain't had no money, ain't had no dope, ain't had nothing like to add to the cause. And you would just laugh all day just for a small piece,

for maybe a chaser

so we can have some fun today.

I was using drugs, man. Early in life, early in my life, early in my recovery. Shit, I was fucked up.

You got that one.

There you go. I was.

Look, I ain't slept all day.

Ain't no telling what I might talk about, but whatever it is, it's going to help somebody.

So I use for a little while, man, because I didn't like who I was. I didn't like the person. I, you know, I, I just know a lot of slow stuff esteem. I mean like if you grow up where I grew up at, which was in North Philly at the time that they was gang warned and I was the type of person didn't have no heart, you know, of my own of my own nature,

you know, because drugs had like taken over and and maybe become somebody that I really always wanted to be. Man, I ain't one of them guys that be lying saying I ain't like getting high because I did, you know, getting hiding like me. You understand what I'm saying? I used to like getting on because that's what we call it getting on

every day. That's all I'm putting one boy Allen. That's all me and Al did up in Logan. We got on every day saying back there somewhere too, that's all we did was get on, man. And that was like life on life terms to me because where I come from, right, wasn't a whole lot of people like working, wasn't a whole lot of people like taking care of their families. There wasn't a whole lot of nothing Like where I come from. It was just like everybody was getting on and all you seen was insanity, chaos and confusion. And that's what I thought life was all about.

So when I got to a certain age, I wanted like to participate in that type of process. We talking about the path to self destruction first. See, I know, I know where I'm going. You know, there's some people you got to, you know, bring them up to date with what you're talking about because they don't follow you all the time.

I use a lot of stuff, man. You know, I use a lot of stuff. Now, look, I use, I don't know how much stuff y'all use, but I use a lot of stuff. And like what happened was like, you know, in the beginning it was fun for me.

I had a lot of fun when I was getting on in the beginning, but towards the end, because that's why I let it just say when at the end of the road. See, I truly believe when you reach the end of the road, you don't go back.

You know, I, you know, I don't know how you can get to the end of the road and want to go back

then if you went back, that's all right. Maybe you wasn't at the end

because there's the middle of the road too, but at the end of the road, like when your back is waxed out, you don't want to go back to that stuff. Wherever we going in the front of us, like whatever is in front of us, whatever our fears are, whatever our doubts are, it's a whole lot better than what was behind us. We talk about being on the path now. So I got high, but like, you know, I used to get high, like, you know, crack, right?

Yeah. I thank God for Christ,

one for crack. I wouldn't be. It won't have a crack. Most of us might not have been here,

you know, just thinking the word crack, Just the name crack. Yes, right.

Who was just named some shit? That crap.

That's what happened to all of us. We crack.

That's one of the basic texts. How about fractured personnel? What is a fracture? A fracture.

I use that about six months then take long.

A lot of people say I did this for like 20 years and shot this for 15 and drank. No, you can't smoke crack that long.

I don't care what nobody in this room say. You raise anything like you smoke crack 20 years, your ass will evaporate.

So

yeah, crack got me here. Thank God. Thank you God Crash.

I got here. I was in a treatment facility and one of the first brothers that I heard share was was brother Khalil. That was almost nine years ago and I was sitting in the in the chumpy and I was like sitting in the back and I was like most people are guys, are we coming with the macho image coming straight out of prison. I didn't believe nothing he was talking about. He looked too cool. He was dressed real nice and ain't nowhere in hell he could have used drugs.

And I sat back. Then I took his inventory and the other guy that was sitting beside him, Reggie, was tearing to me and I took his inventory too. And I kept taking the inventory. So I kept going to those meetings every week because it was something that kind of like interest me. I'll keep coming back. Like for the first time in my life, I was like hearing some people talk about like, not getting high. And even though I didn't believe him, I just wanted to come and check out the theory,

you know, maybe maybe it might be like a slight possibility or maybe they ain't because he they kept coming up too much.

And at first I thought they were getting paid for showing up, but they were showing up all the time. And it was taking some time out to like rap the little guys like me on the side and like, say, look, brother, like if you want, we have the offer. Just come on out here. Like, like make some meetings, man. It's going to be alright. Then. I used to like sitting out. Like there ain't no way I can't, I cannot like, like not get high

off of something,

you know, because I thought everybody got high in the whole wide world. I mean, everybody, the fucking president, the vice president, the reverend, everybody got. That's what I thought, man. I don't know about none of y'all, but I thought like everybody got high, man. But these guys was coming up there like every week.

So you're like, you ain't got to get high, man. So I would listen to them stories and like, even though I couldn't like relate to a lot of the stuff that they were talking about because most of them shot dope and I never shoot dope. Most of them was older than me and I think I was 23 when I was in the facility.

You understand me, I got clean like when I left there I was 24 years old. So it's like you young and you like 1918202122232425262728.

And think you got another run, You're in trouble.

So I kept listening to those guys, man. And I kept going to those meetings. And one of the things that like I used to hear a lot of guys say was like, you know, you should relocate up there with this, this certain facility was that which was in Norristown. And I went back home to Philly, right? I ain't got hot

since I've been back home to Philly. I believe this is what I truly believe in my heart.

If you don't want to get high, it don't matter where you at.

The same thing. If you want to get high, it don't matter where you at. You can go to. You can go to fucking Turkey and not even speak the language, but all you got to do is no denies

and you can get high.

So I kept going to meetings and when I came back to Philly, I would go to meetings and I did the same thing. I sat in the back and I need to tell y'all, man, I ain't come around here for all this good spiritual stuff. I ain't come around here for a whole lot of changing and stuff. I ain't come around here for a whole lot of steps. I ain't come around here to build no relationship with God. I ain't want to build no relationship with me. I didn't give a fuck about. I just didn't want to go back to jail.

Do you understand what I'm saying now? I'm trying to tell you something. I'm a newcomer, 128 God like. Like, we don't care what you come here for.

Yes, keep coming back. That's right. Then you keep bringing your body, your mind and follow. That's what they told me. So like, when I come up in here, I just don't want to go do no more time, that's all. And while I was doing it, it was all right. But after you get out and you experience a little bit of freedom, you don't want to go back because like the truth be told, I live better in jail than I did on the street.

And I didn't even want to come back to the street because I didn't have nothing out here, you know, I was up and near. I had my little store and my little, you know, I had my little hooker. Everybody used to come down and wrap them in and needed some stuff and I had the stuff for them and when I was a man up in there. But I knew when I come back on the streets and shit, cigarettes ain't money no more.

You know you'd be in jail. Yeah, like 20 cars of cigarettes. You're rich.

You can't go downtown and sit with 20 cars of cigarettes. They gotta get that shirt

started half nothing. I was scared when I came back out and I say that's why I kept going to meet IS even though I understand what they're talking about and even though I ain't believe what they were talking about, I just kept going anyway

until I heard my story and I heard somebody share about like me. You understand what I'm saying and you keep coming, right? Long enough you'll hear your story and check it out. When you hear your story one time, you'll start to hear it every time.

When people get honest anyway, you know, because what come from the heart reaches the heart. You can be up in here, a fake fraud in the phony for so long, but eventually the truth will come out.

Yeah, that's why I hardly get on it. You can lie about the clean time you pay.

Yeah. OK, You'll be up here. Say you got three years. We believe the only place you can't. We believe any motherfucking thing you say

fix the night.

You just want me to sing to you. Is it alright now? Is this better? Can y'all hear

I'm the one that's gone? Listen,

can y'all hear me now?

Alright, cool, 'cause this, you know, was too close to my mouth.

Ain't part of my fourth step.

Thank you. So can you hear me like way back there?

Did y'all tell me where I was at before I was doing this?

The story.

Click on the meetings, hear my stories, hearing it every time. Identify with similarities rather than differences. I started moving from the back of the meeting to the middle of the meeting. I started moving from the middle of the meeting to the front of the meeting. And my Home group back in the day used to be at 16th and Garage, So we used to sit on the floor. We sit under the table, around the table, behind the speaker, on his head, on his lap.

You understand what I'm saying? Because like that started to become a little bit more important than me,

You know, I mean it like even though, and I mean, I'm still trying to tell you, Jack, I was still on it like, like not going back to jail mode, right? So I was coming around here, I was doing a whole lot of stuff, you know, because I was doing a whole lot of stuff. I was doing a whole lot of women. I was doing a whole lot of like doing everything outside of me to make me be who I thought I wanted to be because I was scared to look at who I really was. And I thought things outside outside of me validated me as being a man.

So I went through the phase of women. I went to the phase of the cold clothes. I went to the phase of the hair. Anybody who know me know that I used to have so many fucking hairstyle at one time

that like when I just cut it all off, I was just all right.

I want to thank that for fun stuff. Maybe like that shit really be real. Like she'd be really like, you know, they she really be doing that stuff.

I had to start doing some stuff man. I was around here for like 5 years and always share with people, man. I say clean those first five years just on God's grace.

I wasn't. I wasn't really like participating in nothing.

I was speaking at a lot of meetings. I was speaking at a lot of conventions. I was speaking at a lot of speaker jams and anniversaries and, and marathons. And I got so caught up on my name, you know, just people calling and asking you to go places and you really ain't doing no work. You understand? Because like, anybody can talk to this. This ain't, this ain't, this ain't hard to do.

This is, this is real easy. Come in here and everything is a fucking cliche.

How you doing today? Just for the day I'm five to the grace of God

now. I keep coming back sick of saying all that. You know just how you doing man,

Ask you all that stuff.

So like I, I was trying to do, I took some steps.

I thought, anyway, you take some steps. You just take the generic brand, the no fields brand. You know I'm telling when you start doing some real sex stuff with stuff in your gut just don't feel right when it feel like like you're just being you're just rotten from the inside out. Even with Tom clean,

even with some nice jewelry, with some nice clothes, even a nice little hoopy, a nice little job, little bit of money in your pocket, you still feel like shit.

Even with going places and people saying they get a lot out of what you share and and you so special and you so inspirational and don't know, on a lot of nights I would go home like feeling like dirt,

listen to the same taste that everybody else was listening to and I was the only one not getting nothing from them.

Because I know half the stuff I was talking, I wasn't living.

Oh you say nothing, get honest. I say the path of self infected. I ain't as scared as I used to be. I used to be scared to tell the truth. So I was worried about being judged. Addict. What the fuck? What the fuck, addict?

Why? Why? Why? What? You understand what I'm saying? Like, you know, I don't care.

You gonna talk about a person anyway,

So I'd rather live right?

Keep your guesses. Wondering what he doing wrong? Because at one time you didn't have to get the wonder. You understand what I'm saying? People say he was a hoe. I used to get mad.

If that's us, You as a whole man,

people say he wasn't no good. He got a good message but he ain't living nothing. He got a good message but he's a no. Thank you bro,

I'm still working on a trust issue.

It just feels so good to be free.

Oh I don't know how y'all you look. You got to get to a point where you feel good about being free.

I think one of your champions was free to be who you are. Something like that.

We're talking about self acceptance, man. Yeah, I thought buckling down and I started going back over those steps again and I started looking at the first step and I started looking at the second step. I took a deeper commitment in three. Three was a mean step, Jack.

You know, sometimes my first third step was like a generic introduction to God. I had to be a little bit more specific the second time around.

I had to understand about if I made a decision, turn my will life over to him. Give it to him as you got it, whatever you do with me. That's why anybody who knows me most days, most days, I ain't saying all days or most days. I don't complain that much.

I don't complain that he got that, he got that. But being human, it prompts about. We wonder off course and sometimes even when you got faith, you still be scared.

You know, hearing all that, it was some spiritual people. Even with faith, you still be scared. But you know what you do? You get back down there, you buckle up and you try to like get more face. You know, I just 'cause I got going on 9 years, people put an expectation on where you're supposed to be. Man, this ain't like an easy trip.

We saw about a parish that got plenty of books in it. Hurdles, rocks and all that stuff usually is created in my own mind. Those are the hurdles I got to get through the stuff that I created my own head,

because God don't present no problems.

He presents this solution.

I just I just I just I look, I believe we're all born to be on a certain path. Triangle of self obsession talks about it. You know, some children seem to outgrow, but we kind of like being stuck, right? And once we got stuck, we we got lost on that path, right? Stuck into that. I want what I want when I want it. And if I can't get it, I'll go get it by any means necessary, regardless of who I gotta hurt to go get it.

I ain't the only one that been there.

So like I got off the path right there. I believe we're born to be what we are right now, doing his work, living right. But you get a lot of people saying, you know, man, look, look, this is what I was supposed to be doing all my life.

I don't think I was born an addict. I had people say that they call it kids addicts and shit. Little Petey looks like an addict.

Is that for kids? Man,

you all right?

OK,

I got off course, man, into the program of Narcotics Anonymous. I got back on it.

I like the way I'm living today because I like to give updates on today. You know, I could give you a long drug along and stuff like that, but it's like about how I'm living real good today. I'm living like the best. I'm doing some things in my life that I thought I could never do. You understand what I'm saying? Through practicing some principles and prayer and seeking through prayer, meditation to like allow God to do some stuff in my life. Man, some days is very scary and some days is very lonely

because what happens when you start trying to do the right thing? Your friends change.

That just happens, man. I just don't like hang with people who I used to hang with. I really don't want to be associated with people who ain't really trying to do the same thing I'm trying to do. But I will talk to you, but it will be brief.

You know, I'm really just trying to, like, live right, man. And through some principles and doing some things in my life and like, you know, I ain't come over to win sports. The last people who know, it's like evidence. My friends know,

they know how I'm living, man. And it's like, it's like, you know, it's a scary thing to like be doing the right thing after being so messed up most of your life and even most of your recovery. You know, I'm just used to messing up. I'm just used to things not going right. I'm not used to like things being good in my life. That's why the temp step talks about we should like nurture those good times. We're not, they're not, we're not used to those things. And like with stuff no good for me, I think it's a set up for something bad.

And then when you make enough meat and you hear people say like, you know, you times want to come and and you want a pink cloud now and you kind of like you're scared and you get nervous and you like mess it up because you think it's going to be messed up anyway.

But not this time,

see, not this time. I'm alone like God to do some things. I'm not letting letting my disease like creep in there and bother me like as much as it used to. We saw my up-to-date stuff, man. We talking about the path of self acceptance. I feel good about who I am today,

real good. And I have to come to meet as a day, like with my head up.

You don't have to come to me as a day and look around the room and say, Dad, I was with her, I was with her, I slept with her. You know all that. Any of you guys can relate to that stuff?

Lie like a mother.

You woman ain't gonna leave you Tell the truth.

That's a baby that was back in the day, baby. You know,

boy, that bra. Still funny muscle.

He's just playing, baby.

I don't know. I wasn't only dogging here.

And you can recover from that.

You know, like we got a tie to live once the attic. Always an addict

once the dog ain't always a dog. Once The Who ain't always a whore. Once a trick ain't always a trick. Once a thief ain't always a thief. Once a liar ain't. Are we going to smash all those lies? You understand what I'm saying? You can change. I'm. I'm talking about evidence

in my life, things that I'm doing and you know a woman she don't like me talk about my relationship and stuff. You know, it's because she low key

but she's a big part of why my last year has been so special. And like, if she don't find nobody in next couple hours, we'd be celebrating the year being together, you understand?

The wing on the dance is here.

Got to get my groove on.

Yeah.

And it's like just like, you know, just like like doing something different, like

I see on fear because for a lot of years I didn't think like I could be with like one person. That's that thought was scary. One person all the time,

same person. You understand what I'm saying? I know some guys out and some women can relate to.

When you start to accept yourself, man, you're able to do some things that you thought you couldn't do. And even though it's scary

because I told her this morning, I said I think, I think I'm a woman trapped in a man's body.

I said stuff like that because I'm like, the more I'm like the real, I'm like the real sin. I'm like that real sentimental, sensitive person. And she'd be like Bob. He's for real access

and like y'all see like the y'all see the mask,

you know, because a lot of days I still I'm afraid to let people like get too close to because I think you might hurt me.

So you see the mass and you see the stuff that like I want you to see. And sometimes when I look like I don't want you to come near, it's because I want you to come back. But at the same time I want you to come too. And I'm like confused about like who to allow to get close to me because it's like most of my life I've been hurt not just by women, men, family members who like you know, I'm still working on those issues, man. We talking about like the four steps, talking about the longer you stay clean issues start to surface,

right? That that's what it say, right?

Issues start to surface. So I'm starting to see through like going over things with a sponsor and talk to my sponsor, you know, periodically. But I still got issues that are surfacing and I need to still like bring those walls down. But like, you know, with her, it's like I'm like that real sensitive person. And like sometimes you say I'm too sensitive because like, I don't know, it's like, you know, when you with somebody, it's like what they say to you bother you more than like anything else.

And she don't like say nothing negative or nothing to me like that and stuff. It's like, you know, I just take everything so serious,

you know, because I'd be so scared and shit, like, you know, like I just want to try to be so perfect, you know what I mean? That I just don't want to like, you know, for real. What are you? I'm crazy, baby. I've changed,

you know what I mean? I just like one. And I just want to like do stuff like that, man, you know what I mean? And like, you know, this last year has been so helpful because like, she's taught me like patience, intolerance, like through watching her do some stuff, especially with a child, you know, like, if you want to like, learn something about patience and tolerance, that's watch a woman with the children.

And I sit back and I say, like, damn,

I would have probably killed it by now,

you know what I mean? But she just like, and that teaches me to be a little bit more patient and tolerant in my life. You know what I mean? Because sometimes I just don't have it. Sometimes even with like new people and I being meetings and sponsors and like people who just want to come and talk to me and people who call me up on if we talk about self acceptance, we talk about getting real with who you are. So that's what I'm talking about me, man, It's sometimes like I don't have it right. I'm that good. I'm the good speaker and and Sarah at the meeting and

raise my hand and drop the bomb, all that old crazy stuff, man. But like sometimes I just don't want to like like spend like that extra few minutes like talking to somebody who really needs to just somebody to listen to them. I'm just talking about being up here and being real

and like those are the things that I'm learning this year. Like, you know, sometimes I'm like answering the phone because now modern technology don't hook up caller ID and now you like screen who like you want to, you know, so and so. Oh man, I'm Oh no, I'm not going to answer this because I know you going to take me around the world and like I got to like understand it. Some people just don't know how to get to the point.

That's the truth.

And I got to remember when I was there,

when I talked about everything but what was supposed to be talked about. I want to set you up first. I want you to like like kind of like be on my side first

before I brought the dilemma on you and I got to understand like when people call me, that's the same thing that they doing and I got to like stop like being so like nasty. Sometimes we talk about selfish. I know I got an attitude problem. Y'all so much the past man to something accept this coming up here telling the truth.

You know it ain't spectacular then that's fucked up. But we talking about being real

and I'm learning those things be like being with somebody who has it in their life and just watching somebody and like getting with some good friends. If you got some good friends, keep them,

you know, like Shahid in them and and and Winnie and and and like my buddy Anthony and those guys, man, it was like, you know, I y'all make me feel good. Ever since I've been here.

I was sitting over there. I told my God say, you know, we we we like President Clinton and Hillary,

we get to sit at the main table. You know what I mean? I was out mingling with people with hit like you know the president be doing this.

How do you like the budget and shit?

This is some exciting stuff

if you knew this is something I'm trying to tell you when I can't. When I was that bum, walking through the door, standing up here was not on my mind.

You understand what I'm saying? I went to the first convention. I went to 89 at the Adams Mark Hotel, the Greater Philip and Regional Convention

and I remember standing out there man, and I was seeing them people speak and I was like back there had my little nappy hair, my best outfit on, my best outfit, my best a pair of white sweatpants and AT shirt. That was the best outfit I had and and and that and and y'all told me to come

because I had no suit and stuff. I didn't have no dress shirt, I didn't have no shoes and no pants and all that old type of stuff. And they say, you ain't got a hair saying, got no money, don't worry about it.

They say, come on up to the convention, man, make some meat. And I mean, I walked in there and like, I look, I said, Oh my God. And I'm telling you, I'm telling you that's what turned me on.

So if you knew and it's your first convention, Jack, boy, this is a turn on.

Man, I want I said, boys, and you know, I got you keep going to conventions and you say like, man, one day, boy, I want to be up there. I want to thank William for it, for giving me that shot,

because I always thought something had to be wrong with you,

you know, I mean, because you know, you have to be sick or have one leg or some shit or half an arm to like do a bank with it. Something more like opening meeting or a spiritual breakfast. You know, you couldn't. I thought you had to be had something. I thought you had to have something else wrong with you, but the disease of addiction,

you understand what I'm saying? I just come straight up in this camp, right off the streets, man, you understand. And I'm like a regular old guy. I'm cool. And y'all gave me a shot. I mean y'all say like look they call me like in June,

November,

they call me in June and say we would like you. This is so and so. Our spawn

is that Magna spawn from the Williamsport area of Narcotics Anonymous.

I mean we are considering you for like being the banquet speak at our convention. I have to ask you some questions,

Colombo. Some fucking value. Yeah. How much time you got? How much time ahead You got to sponsor? It ain't sponsor. Yeah, I got anything. You got any sponsor? Yeah. You just make any means? Yeah. You sponsor any people? Yeah. Your Home group of NA Home group? Yeah. Are you? Pass.

That's a thing.

Y'all don't know how much that light just touched my heart, You know, just to be considered to do something. And it was deep because two weeks later asked me to do the banquet at the New Jersey convention, which just happens to be tonight,

and y'all call first

and I thank God. Look, look,

trying to hold my composure,

the girl be teased because I get the crime and shit, Yeah, that's a new me. That's part when you start having self acceptance, man. You start getting in touch with some fields on the inside and you realize that you know you ain't got to be no bitch to crime. Hold on.

Well, I came up here, man, I don't know how many years ago and and my buddy Al brought me up here to do anniversary at the the stepping tradition meeting and

a Monday night grace. All right, Thank you babe.

And I came up here like, you know, y'all treated me good and I had like never been to Williamsport and never seen the mountains and and never had the hospitality man. And the people just treated me so good. They like offered you food because Alan and they may have no food in the house.

They have some water and some starts and shit in the refrigerator,

man.

But anyway, you're my boy.

They treated me good and like, you know, and then you're asking to come up and do a learning day, I think.

And then y'all had like a unity thing and then y'all actually do the first convention. Y'all did. And then y'all asked me to come up here again last year. Then y'all asked me to come up here again and and I said just meant more than me in Jersey because I'm telling you something, man. I used to get so much caught up in that ego and all that image time stuff. And I used to say like damn, like, you know, all the all my boys going to be up Jerry

sit like that and and all my friends gonna be up there and and like nobody's gonna be here for me and shit. And when I got here, man, I ain't got number love,

you know what I'm saying? And and and look in the real truth and like the real truth is y'all who got me the way I met.

Not all the people who I heard on tape, not all the other people who I spoke at conventions with and all that stuff. It was y'all sitting those little dusty rooms down. 22nd and Huntington, 16th and Gerard, 8th and Lisderm, Starlight Group, Pulaski and man, all those Avenger ride, all the meetings where it'd be so much smoking there and shit you couldn't even see who was speaking.

And I and like, you know, I had to come like back down to earth with that stuff because a lot of times you can get caught up on thinking like all them guys and I didn't even really like know them guys for real, for real. Unless I go somewhere and see them. It's y'all guys who made me who I am, the people who I see every day,

like in Philly, the people with 30 days, 60 days, 90 days that keep coming up to me and saying brown, like keep doing what you doing, I love you. I get so much from you. When I go through my stuff, they call and check up on me. When I was in the hospital last year for a couple weeks, man, they was calling me and people was coming up there. I mean like my room was stayed fooled up and I mean like I just was like so overwhelmed with like the love because like you can be around here while I still think people don't love you. That's how fucked up and tricky out disease is up here

and it'll lead us to believe like what we doing ain't worth doing and it'll tell us like look, man, you might as well like go back, man, this this recovery stuff. Are you paying off? It works How wide check it out. It tells us that

and like my head tells me stuff, man. But I was in the hospital, they was coming up there, they was bringing food. People's leaving me money for TV's. I was getting over like a mother, you know, People was like,

you need any money? Yeah, yeah. You know, I left the, I left the hospital like I had, I was working while I was in the I had a couple $100. I still act, but they was coming up and people was calling me man. And I know they got down Baltimore and said they made like a a conference call and people were they was all down there and they called my hospital room and I stopped like 20 people.