Bea M. from Brea, CA at Sioux City, Iowa, February 29th 1992

Good evening everyone. My name is C and I'm an alcoholic. I don't have any notes.

I want to thank Ron for inviting me and for the mission of hospitality that was extended to me since I've been here since 2:00 this afternoon. I, I just feel like I want to stay, but I'm only going to be staying on till 5:00 tomorrow morning. So I hope you're comfortable in those chairs because

I have long story.

I'm I'm really impressed with what is happening here. Until I get to a place, I'm not really sure exactly what I'm supposed to do. Am I supposed to speak it around up or is an anniversary or what? And this just feels so right and so wonderful. And I was especially impressed with the staff of the hospital. And when you mentioned, Doug, about the the way we get as recovering people to touch the larger community,

it was so impressive to me. I believe that that is our life work and that seems to be fully alive here in the city. And I'm awfully delighted to to see that. Well, what I wanted to tell you was that if my God were to appear to me at this moment, and I don't know why she doesn't, and

I am

I, She represented me. B. Is there anything else you'd like to be rather than here? And I would say no thank you. I have to say. I say no thank you, Father,

but I was sitting beside a priest at dinner and so I had to do that. I took one of my character details

anyway. What I wanted also to tell you is that my life was wonderful until I was 2. And so that's why I wanted to be comfortable in your chairs. And if you need to go out and have a smoke, you can do that

because this is a long story. And when I was two, what happened for me was my sister was born and for some reason, my parents being Irish and Catholic, they didn't ask my permission. And I will never understand. I still don't to this day why I move around this universe called life, you know, and people don't ask my permission for lots of things, you know? I just wonder why the rest of the world doesn't consistently shape up and behave so that I could fit into it a little bit better.

Well, this has been happening to me since I was two. And this if regard was brought into the family. And she didn't have freckles and she didn't have red hair and it seemed that my parents spent a lot of time adoring at her crib. And then my my parents went on every year having another baby. Like they had a boy and then they had a girl and then they had a girl. And it seemed like every time a new child came into the family, I felt like I didn't sit. Now, nobody ever told me that I didn't

there and I believe I was well taken care of, but I just didn't see like I said it. And I was on the periphery of life right from those early years. And to top all of that off, when I was eight years of age, my father went to work one day and he never came home. He was he was killed in an accident. A tree fell on top of him and killed him instantly. And I didn't know how to do grief or loss or mourning or all of the things that the opportunities that people get to do

day to take care of those feelings. But what I do remember was that on the day of my father's funeral, my mom said to me, he I want you to help me to raise these children. And I put away my dolls and my playthings And I started about this big event, which has not occurred for me yet. This big event called growing up. And I remember well, exactly, you know, just the feeling of now I was little and I was playing, it seemed like. And then I wasn't I, I suddenly

assume the responsibility of these children and my mom and my mom, you know, she just taught me everything she knew. She taught me how to clean and cook and babysit. And she was a school teacher and she taught me how to do all sorts of school teacher kinds of things.

In fact, my mom taught me when it refers to in our big book, the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous on page 60, where it says, is she not a victim of the delusion that she can rest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if only she will manage well? And I thought my purpose in life was to learn how to manage well and to become efficient. And so when I got into my teenage years, I did what most people do in those years. I started thinking about what I would want to be doing for the rest of

life and what I decided to do was to become a safe. Now when I go to a meeting say read a piece out of the book there on page chapter 5 and they say we are not Saints. So my feelings used to get hurt immensely

and in trying to become a St. in those years, what I decided to do was to become a Catholic nun. Now, I can tell with an audience as large as you are

that there might be at least one or two people out there who have a resentment against somebody like me.

I just want to clear the air immediately. And what I need to tell you is that I didn't do it to you. Okay?

Maybe Donna did or somebody else here. I didn't do this to you,

and what I discovered since I get into Alcoholics Anonymous is that my sponsors always tell me not to be saying this in public. But I'm a far away from home. Some want to say it here and what I what I discovered was that they're assholes every place

I forgot that there are,

I discovered that there's some Catholic assholes and Lutheran assholes and

Methodist ones and one or two Jewish ones I've met and then and in Southern California where I live, there are one or two and Alcoholics Anonymous and I am I have not found any in Al Anon yet. So.

But then what? I I just, you know, when I got into Alcoholics Anonymous, I took it their wish and the responsibility of the entire Catholic Church and my shoulders nestled very heavy, low to carry around. But anyway, I started into this Catholic nun business, which I'm still doing. In fact, I've been doing this for 41 years, seven months and three days. And then, well, you'd be counting if you were celibate for that long, wouldn't you?

What can I tell you?

Yeah. So maybe you got that. I'm glad to hear.

So

started into this deal on the 16th of July 1950 and before a lot of you were born and, and I loved it and I love it and I enjoyed this lifestyle more than I can tell you. I love my vocation and I love everything about it. And what happened to me was with my superiors. I was living in Ireland and as you can tell, I was born and raised in Ireland and my superior sent me over to England to finish my education

and I did that rather successfully. And I was assigned to teach in a school in England.

And I loved teaching. I loved opening up children's minds and bringing them down the path of learning. And I just thought this was a very exciting thing. But a most unusual events occurred in my head. And I know that you won't know what I'm talking about, but I need to be honest with you. And what happened in my head was that on a regular basis a voice would go off and the voice would say, if only they would shape up, I would feel better.

And it didn't matter who they were. It could be the people with whom I lived, it could be the parents of the children whom I taught, it could be the government, it could be anybody.

And this voice kept going on in my head, and I started feeling some of the feelings that I didn't know what they were until I got into alcohol. It's Anonymous. The grief and the loss and the pain and the loneliness that I'd never done, never taken care of some of the causes and conditions. I believe I know today that alcohol is but a symptom of my disease.

And so I finished that. And one day I came home from school. I was teaching hard and I was trying to be very successful. And when I came home from school one day on our bulletin board, there was a letter from our major superiors back in Ireland. And the letter said, would any of you like to volunteer to go to Southern California because we're starting a new place there. And of course, I knew I belonged in Hollywood. So I signed up and I volunteered and I thought I would go.

And so I got picked and when I was leaving

my superior said to me and sister, we're going to put you in charge. Now there is nothing that a potential alcoholic likes to hear better than they're going to be put in charge. Now we may not agree with this, but certainly for this alcoholic, I love to be in charge. It's one of the things I do the best and the and the easiest. And so I came to Southern California on the 16th of August 1964. And I was, my first memory of coming there was I know it's going to be OK because I'm going to be in charge.

And I knew that everybody would have to shape up because I was in charge and they would, I would then feel better. And I was starting off this new whole deal. I was going to be the principal of the school and the mother superior of the nunny bunnies. So we're all there running around, you know, hundreds of them in those days. And,

and what I recall most from the 16th of August 1964, that it was very hot. We were wearing all those nutty clothes for those of you who remember somebody like us. And we were well dressed, you know, very heavily clad. And we had just swipe stuff all over our faces and we had this long black search

world, you know, it was really hot. But I knew that I was going to be OK because I was going to be in charge. In fact, here, for those of you who have never seen people like me dressed up in those nightclubs, were on the outside of the bottle of blue non wine.

She's blue and we were black,

but everything was wonderful in Southern California for several days. I think it was four or five days until I was to meet somebody who was to become my arch enemy for many years afterwards. And he was known as the pastor.

He had this problem. And his problem was that he thought that he was in charge. And I knew that I was in charge. And immediately our horns locked, you know, we just, and I started planning his demise and we started to try to fight nicely. Now, I don't know if you've ever tried to do that where you tried not anyone to know that you're killing, dying, that you're planning murder, you know, in your mind. But we were trying to act like we were very nice in public, but we were really, oh, we're having a lot of problems.

And this went on and went on and I was in a new culture, new system of education. Everything was new. And one day I was in my office after school and a lady came to my office and she said, Sister, would you like to have all the sisters come over and swim at our swimming pools? And so after school, we pies all the money bunnies into the station wagon because in those days, all nuns with station wagons. And we got over there to her swimming pool and we got into her swimsuit, had a wonderful time and she came

sight of the pool and she had a tray and there was a large picture and some glasses.

And on the top of the glasses there was salt.

And at one or two you might know what was in the picture. When I, when I talk about this in Australia and in England, they, it goes right over their heads, you know, they have no idea what was in the picture. And my personal opinion is that this is all it is. My personal opinion is that if you haven't had a Margarita, maybe you don't belong yet.

My sponsors always tell me not to say that too, but anyway,

gosh, this stuff was wonderful. I will never forget this. It went right down into my innermost being. It was like a virtual awakening.

And I knew that I need, I needed to have more of this to help me because I was too pressured and I was very stressed and I worked very hard and I was in the strange land to work my family. And it was just really hard. And I just knew that I needed to get more of this stuff. And I asked the lady, would you please give me the recipe? And she gave me the recipe to take home. And I just thought the nicest thing that I could do for these nunny bunnies was to put this up on a regular basis so that they'd all feel better because it worked for me

and they work very hard for me because I was just one of these more active alcoholic personalities. There are some people in alcohol who some alcoholic person have just heard. It was kind of on the procrastinating side and who sort of are a little bit laid back and all. I wasn't one of those people at all. I'm a very active personality. And so I believed in a lot of activity wherever I was. And I would say to them on Fridays often, I would say, let's change all the classrooms.

Let's put the 2nd graders into the 4th grade. Let's put the 6th graders into the 8th grade. Let's put the first graders into the 7th grade and just push chairs and throw books and throw tennis shoes. And we just do general chaos. I love chaos, I really do. I think this is very exciting, very nice given. But anyway, these girls work very hard because they work for me. So on a regular basis, I would say to them, are you tired? They were always tired. And they would say, yes, we had report cards last week or we had parent teacher conferences.

And then I would say was next celebrate this evening. I would never say, girls, let's all get drunk this evening. It never occurred to me to say it like that. I talked with the word celebration had a kind of a liturgical note

like, you know, sort of holy. And but when I still learned was a fair idea of celebration in mind were entirely different because when they would come to this little celebration we would have, they would say such things as

let's have the little glasses. Now I need to let you know that I was never interested in little glass. I was interested in large containers, like maybe a flower pot, maybe if I could get it. I was interested in large draft. So I just never could understand why they would sip this sip. So I never knew how to sip and they would sip and they would let it go down nice and slowly and then they would never finish their alcohol. I never can understand people who don't finish their alcohol.

I notice people on airplanes every weekend because I guess to travel most weekends. And I noticed that on airplanes that people don't finish their alcohol. I never understand that because I'm a golfer and I would take large draft and would soon be gone. And so I started into my drinking career in the most in a wonderful spot called the Convent. And I was very smart because I knew that if you drank on the job that you'd be an alcoholic. And I fought for many years trying not to be.

I was trying to do what chapter three of the Big Book says that we can do. I was trying to control and enjoy my drinking. Some of you might have tried that. And what my experience was is when I controlled my drinking, I could never enjoy it. And when I enjoyed my drinking, I could never control it. It was really strange. And I just thought that there was some little magic trick to this, and I never could get back down to a science.

So I was kind of smart and I knew not to drink on the job, and I knew not to drink in the morning and I knew not to drink and drive. So I had to pick my spots.

So we had this one man who had a, he had a place down in Mexico, which was two hours away from where I live on the border. And he had a little trailer. And he said to me one day, you know, we hardly ever used this anymore. Why don't you take the keys and go down there and relax sometimes. And he hadn't made the keys. And he, there were three keys on the key chain. And he said, this is the key at the front door. And this is the key of the cabana. And sister, this is the key of the liquor cabinet. Help yourself.

And I said, praise God, from whom all blessings flow.

And I, I said to the sisters, you know, pretty soon more than 50% of Southern California would be Hispanic. So what we need to do is to go down to Mexico often so that we can learn Spanish.

So on a regular basis we will pile all the money bunnies into the station wagon and we'll go down there and we try to learn Spanish with all the Americans and the Canadians who are down in the SATA beach. And that's how my drinking career really started. And I joined things, you know, I joined committees. I was in charge of everything. I didn't know. I'm sure some of you were in charge of the United States of America too, but I didn't know about him. I wish I had known, but it was real hard work. And I, I joined all

different task forces and I was doing so much work because I knew that if I I could overcompensate by working hard, eventually I could get to reward myself with some drinking. And drinking was like their song Willie Nelson sings. It was always on my mind, always on my mind. And I would wake up at 2:10 in the morning or two, 12 on the digital crop. And it would always occur to me,

oh, I would like to have a drink. And I knew that if you drank a 212 in the morning that you would probably be an alcoholic and you weren't supposed to do that. And also it was really hard to procure it in the world that I lived in.

And I'd have to, you know, just find Ways and Means of doing this. I can remember just the pain of not going what to do. One of the things I used to do at 2:12 in the morning was I used to get up and walk the halls of the convent and I would go down to our food Chapel. Do we have there? And I would get, I don't know of any of you ever experienced anger with God. You look like you're really holy here. But I, I, you know, I just did. I had a lot of terribly deep angry feelings at God. In fact, what I did was I used to go back to the Chapel and I used to

the finger. You probably don't even know what that is, but the iterators taught me that when I was teaching in school. And I used to do that a lot. And I was just really upset with everything. And it was just awful. And then I thought, well, you know what I'll do? I think I'll stop drinking. And so I stopped drinking for a while. And what I started to do then was to shake and sweat and get really upset. And I went to the doctor and the doctor gave me some stuff called Elavil and Selena.

And then he graduated me after a couple of weeks into another thing called Valium and Librium. And I have these four prescriptions. And he thought I would be good in follow directions, but I didn't still have a great trouble in following directions. And but what I found out about taking prescription drugs for me was that they made me feel like the music on the Twilight Zone. It made me feel like,

you know, the lights are on, but there's nobody home. And it was just really strange. And so

I went back to drinking again because alcohol was the drug of my choice for sure. And then I, I found what I know what I do so that I can get this thing done. I pray more. I do some more praying. So I went up to Northern California and I made what was called a 30 day retreat. And on this I did a lot of praying every day and a lot of fasting. And on day fifteen of those 30 days, we were told that we were going to have what was called a break day, that we didn't have to do any.

Exercises And the other people said to me, what would you like to do today since you come from Southern California? And I said I would like to go and visit the Napa Valley, please. And so we went and we visited all the wineries. And I can remember just feeding, no pain at all that evening and waking up the next morning and wanting to drink more than anything else in the entire world. And what I would drink when we could drink. And we had celebrations, the sisters would say always hit me the next day.

My but you were something last night.

Now I was their boss and I I never wanted to ask them exactly what something was I should happen. To this day, I'm not sure exactly what happened. But what I need to let you know is and I can stand here for many hours to tell you some of the shenanigans that I got involved in with my drinking. But it's interesting for me that when I see a group of you and many of you in this room this evening, I understand are in recovery. And if I were to meet you on a one-on-one, which I won't have time to do with this short stay I have. But if I were to meet those of you,

and if I were to say to you as I look right into your eyes, if I were to say to you, how did you die? Do you remember where you were? Do you remember, you know, were you in a hospital or in a jail? Were you highly functioning on a job? Were you at home trying to raise your children? Do you remember where you were?

And when I say that, I recall the words of Bill Wilson, our founder, our co-founder, when he writes his story on page eight of the Big Book. And he says that no words can tell of the loneliness and the better morass of self pity that he found himself in when he knew that alcohol had overwhelmed him, had overcome him, and he had met his match. He'd been able to do many successful things in his life, but alcohol was the one

thing that he could not overcome.

And that moment, I think that moment of clarity, where we come to that is a very sacred moment in in our lives of those of us who are in recovery. And in my life, I was in a convent when that happened to me. And I was standing there and I didn't know who to ask or who to talk to or how I could tell this to anybody. How can the boss of the world tell the people in the world that she needs help? I mean, how can you do that?

How can you move out of being his victim of the delusion that you could rest satisfaction and happiness if only you learn how to manage well. And I had learned how to manage well. How can somebody like me admit and surrender to the whole idea that you need help really, really something. And I was standing in our living room, it's called the community room. And I was looking through this little tablet. There's a little booklet that's put out in the monthly basis for nuns and

sisters today. And on the very Backpage there was an ad and the ad said, sister, are you concerned about your drinking? If so, please call the following number. Collect. Well, as far as I'm concerned, that was a miracle, because out of the thousands of sisters in the United States, being as unique as I am, I thought it was the only alcoholic none in the United States, or the only none who had a problem with drinking.

And so I made this telephone call to Massachusetts, as it turned out to be,

and I told this lady I wasn't able to tell her the truth because I was in a capable of doing that. I told her, first of all, I thought I was changing jobs. So that part was true. I was moving from being a school principal into working in the diocese where I worked for many years afterwards. But then I told her that I was going to be working with a lot of priests who were drinkers and a lot of nuns who were drinkers, and I didn't know how to deal with them and I didn't know how to counsel them. And could you please help me?

And she told me she would have me, she would send me some literature.

She told me about recovery centers all over the United States. And she told me about alcohol Synonymous and various other programs that I get help for all of these people about whom I was very concerned.

And she promised to send me some literature. And I was just about to hang up the phone and bid her good evening. And she said to me a most extraordinary thing. She said, sister, would you like to tell me a little bit about your own drinking?

Because I can hear pain in your voice. I'm always amazed at the people in Massachusetts there. Must be awfully smart. But she could hear this pin in my voice. And I think that that's one of the miracles of the program. I think that we get to hear the pin in one another's voices and we get to see the pin in one another's eyes. And because we get to know that because of our own experience and our own pain, we then get up to reach out and have some healing process of one another.

And she was able to say that to me. And for some reason, and I believe it was a moment of God, it was a moment of grace for me. I was able to break down into the telephone and cry. And I told her I did not know where to turn and who to ask and where to get help. And I knew I could never go to a recovery hospital. And what could I do? And I was dying and what was going to become of me at all? And she said, well, you might want to try to go to Alcoholics Anonymous.

Well, the following day I called Alcoholics Anonymous in a tongue, which was quite a distance from where I live because in those days I used to be very important.

And she, I called his phone number in a place called Whittier. And I went to Alcoholics Anonymous my first meeting. And in those days we were wearing kind of a, a modified nunny habit. And I can recall exactly what I did. I told everybody in the school that I was going to a meeting, which was true because I was going to all sorts of meetings. I was in charge of everything and

so I was going to this meeting. So I changed into regular toes and I remember exactly what I did. I put on a whole bunch of eye makeup

and I went to an A meeting in a place called Serenity Hall in Whittier, CA. And it was, it was like one of these little tiny clubs. I don't know if you have them here, you probably do. It was like an Alano club. It was very small and very smoky. And I went in there and there were a lot of little old men and they seemed like they were all shuffling all around Serenity Hall, quittier. And there were two women, one left and the other stayed. And the one who stayed was as we

she was not the full shilling,

she was laughing at the wrong time when she was clapping at the wrong times and she was absolutely crazy. And I can remember sitting hard without in the corner, just petrified. And then there was a man got up to the podium to share his experience, strength, and hope with us.

And he was interesting because he had been to jail and now he'd gotten his family back and he was sober and all. But he was fascinating to me because he was using words that I used to punish the 8th graders for writing on the bathroom walls. You probably don't know what they are here, but that one of them begins with. Sure. And then he graduated into another one that starts with

Pho. Now what was really interesting to me was he was using the sub word in sentences.

In fact, he was using the first word in various parts of speech like a noun and adverb preposition of construction,

and he was using the spoke word with ING on the end of Ed at the end. And on one occasion he used the sub word with the word mother before

and I remember saying to myself and this is going to be vice versa.

And then when it was all finished he said keep coming back. It worked.

Oh, I was very upset.

What I recall about that, though, was that I get into my car and I was very upset and I was crying. Oh, I didn't want to be there at all. And this eye makeup that I put in my eyes was running down my face and I looked at myself in the mirrors. They sometimes do it, the stop sign, and

I remember I said the short word and the front word all the way.

There was something in the meeting that drew me back and I found other meetings and

I kept going to meetings. Now I know just looking at some of your faces, I know by looking at you that the minute that you came into a program of recovery, whatever you came into, that you just fit it in immediately. You look like you all fit it into everything. Well, I need to let you know that I was not one of you like that. I just couldn't do that easily. I was a fighter. You see, I come from Ireland and I come from the northern part of Ireland. And the graffiti that we put in our walls, there is no surrender.

And you come into a program called Alcohol Synonymous. Nick tells you that you have to let go

and you have to surrender or as you want to win. You know, that doesn't make any sense to somebody like me. It's it's way down these my bones and in my blood and in my caution MyHeritage. But I'm supposed to fight to the death, you know, and I come to this program and they said you have to let goby. You have to stop fighting. I couldn't get this thing at all. They were saying really strange things to me. They were saying don't drink.

That was very strange. And then they said go to meetings. Now I just have all of these pieces of paper in my bottom drawer that tells you would tell you that I know some things

and I didn't think there was anything at meetings that would enhance me at all. I thought that I knew all the things that the were supposed to be known and I could read about and I would find out enough

Dennis the book. Now I took this book and I read it. And what I discovered when I read it was that the syntax of the grammar offended my sensibilities of an English major coming from the University of London. And I told them this, Mr. Andy Hall of Whittier, and they said that keep coming back, please.

They were really kind

and then they told me that I had to get this thing called a sponsor. I would love to know how people just say that. It's just like, it's an easy thing to do response to when you don't have to anybody, you know? So what I did was I interviewed people and I hired them on temporarily when I didn't care for what they were telling me. I would get rid of them fast

and I didn't do any of this stuff. And then they said I was supposed to work the steps and I was in a for quite some months. In fact, I think I was just a year so and I was very uncomfortable in the program. And the only thing I didn't do was I didn't drink. And the reason I didn't drink was because I knew that the people in alcohol synonymous there would know because we're very nosy people, very curious and look into your face and they know. And these women would say those things. She would know if cereal didn't know what brand. It was like 4 days ago, you know, they just were so strange.

And then we're always trying to find things out about me and there were always wanting to touch me and hug me and stuff. And I, I was very private and reserved and I didn't want to do any of that stuff. And I just didn't know how it was going to stand Alcoholics Anonymous. So one day I went back, kept going back to these meetings, thinking one day something is going to happen, is going to be different.

And I was in Serenity Hall this one day. And I like to share this because sometimes I find as I go around the country that there is a chance of what happens to us as we are in recovery for a while. I think sometimes we can get stuck, We can get stuck in our recovery. And that means that we we get to a sort of a plateau where we don't know how to move on to the next place. And this is a recipe. But this little man told me has always worked for me. So I want to share with you. He said to me

be you know, you're always miserable

in the program. And I said, yes, I am. I don't care for this. And I told him all the things I didn't like. And I said, you know that this program is supposed to help you to be happy, Joyce and phrase, but I hadn't caught out of that part at all yet. And he said, you know, I'm going to tell you something that might work for you. Why did you go home, hear condense and kneel on your knees and

pray and ask God to give you the willingness to change your attitude?

Now with all of the information that I've been given and I've been given lots of opportunities and for enlarging my Groves and so on. And I've never heard anybody saying that to me before in those words. And I was in such emotional pain that when I got home, I Nets down and I,

I prayed and I asked God to please give me some willingness to change my attitude. Now, what I'd like to tell you is that God appeared to me and that there was a burning Bush and there were angels and there was a rainbow and off. And none of that happened for me at all. But what I do need to share with you is that God only does Saturdays. You know, God just gives me enough willingness to do today. He doesn't do March 1st before March 1st.

And what I discovered also was that

anytime I get stuck when I have to move from 1 surrender to the next, which as somebody mentioned here earlier, if if I had known that it was once surrendered to the next, I don't think I would have stayed. But what I discovered that when I prayed for this willingness to become unstuffed, it always happens for me, and that's a magnificent thing.

When I began to understand, though, was that little by little by little, the craving. Or is the book tells us the phenomenon

cravings has been removed from me and has been for many years now. And I got to understand something about the joy of program. And typically what would it be happening for me would be I would go to most of the meetings in my early meetings and I would be crying. I'd be crying from fear and anger and frustration and does not knowing what to do next. Just complete frustration. In fact, in Serenity Hall of Whittier, he used to call me the crying nun. I didn't know that, but they told me that afterwards.

Never would have come back if they had. But anyway, what I discovered was the business that is a serious, magnificent program. And when Doug was talking earlier, he commented on the magic of the program. And I think the magic of the program comes for us when we can discover what this big secret is. And there is a big secret for us. And the big secret is that we discover. So this thing, you know, we have this disease that we're totally powerless over that

and we get to understand that we're proud of over that and everything else and that we get to latch on our glom on to this being in a new and different most wonderful way called a higher power. And then we we let go finally. And we we let go little by little. And sometimes we take back and sometimes we let go and sometimes we take back and sometimes we let go. But what the book talks about in Page 62, it says that

selfishness and self centeredness and wanting to be in charge and do all this stuff is our problem. That's really what our problem is

and it's interesting to me how it mentions the word South and Cesarness and self-centered 13 times in pitch 62, which I'm sure many of you know, but this is what it says to me. It says to me, it says to me at the bottom of that page it says D. This is the how and the why of this. You have to quit playing God because it doesn't work.

And hereafter in the drama of life, God is going to be your director. He's the principal, and you're his agent, and he's the father, and you're his child. And you know what? The most good ideas are simple. In fact, they're so simple that you might not get it. You know, you just might be too complicated to get this. But this, this concept that God's in charge is the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which you will pass through freedom.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, all I've ever wanted in my whole life was this inner freedom, this wonderful inner freedom that I came tonight as I stand before you without a nerve in my body. This inner freedom that I've been feeling for a long, long time now, where I can look the words in the eye and what the discoveries that I have made is through the working of the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. That there are all these other promises that are caught in there in the steps that I'm sure you are very well aware if those of you who are working the program.

And you will know that as well as the promises that we usually allude to on cases 83 and 84. That there are promises caught into most of the steps. And you probably know that in Step 3 for return completely turn our will and our life over to the care of God. That there are 13 promises all caught in there at the top of page 63. And the first one is B. You know what, when you sincerely take this position that God's in charge

all sorts of remarkable things with a bottle

pause sort of remarkable things with autumn, you're going to have a new employer from now on date. And this new employer that you have is all powerful and will provide everything you need as long as you stay close and do his work well. And the miracle for UV is that you are going to become less and less interested in yourself and your own little plans and designs, and you're going to get more and more interested in what you can contribute to life.

And as a result of that, you're going to feel new power flow into your life.

You're going to see God's presence. You are going to discover that you can face life successfully. And above all things, see, you are going to lose your fear of today and tomorrow and the hereafter. In fact, be what's going to happen for you is that you are going to be reborn.

You're totally going to get started all over again.

Well, this is to come a fascinating study for me. These promises that are caused into the steps. In fact, as I was sharing with Ron and Donna and Diana earlier was that one of the things that I do when I don't do this, I give retreats on the promises and other topics from the big vote. But what I discovered was that there are 84 promises all caught in there in the steps. And I love when I when I get I do receipts with men and women and some makes them. Sometimes I do with all men and all women and I

when I get them involved, I said to them, you know, I bet you didn't know that there were six promises for step four. And they look at me like no, they didn't say to them there are two for assessments and two frontier and two for sex. So please come back after the break that all I do is we all come back after the break and see what I have to say. And what I what I discovered is that there are 6 promises instead for and there are 10 in Step 5