Chris R. from Ingram Texas

Here in Texas,

y'all seen this coat? OK,

it's a little hot.

No, I gotta say my hair will follow. I don't know about these lights.

My name is Chris Reimer and I'm a drug addicted alcoholic.

In fact, I don't like these lights at all.

Maybe they can raise the house lights just a hair. I can't see them. I can't. I can't see. I can't talk to people I can't see,

You know, We got a guy down the Hill Country where I come from. There's always talk. When he speaks, he always talks about nuts. There's no big deal.

I wish he could be here tonight.

It's this is as tall as the cotton gets right here.

I know. No pun intended.

You can't hear it. How's that? Oh, you don't. I'll get cranked here a minute. You don't have any problem.

These four people up front will be moving back quick.

This is absolutely the coolest. I want to thank everybody that had anything to do with getting me to come up here and do this. I was asked about a year ago to do this and it's it's it's been an honor, something I look forward to continually. Tony has been my host this weekend and he's carted me around and took me rock cutting this morning, and

I know we got some good minerals. Phoenix is great for minerals and it's a neat, neat, neat honor to be here. I want to thank all the Little Texas, but all the Texas buckaroos. Give it a big high, huh?

I got to tell you, CA is alive and well in Texas. So,

like, say hi to everybody outside that didn't get in and welcome, welcome to the coolest thing I've ever done.

I need to share with you also real quick before I forget, I want to thank the family members for coming to this, you know? Yeah,

some of you guys can't imagine, you know, Alcoholics and addicts, we have a tendency to bond. But you know, some of our significant others that aren't one of us, you know, they put up with a lot of horseshit with us. You know, and I, I had the opportunity

last year to finally get a chance to make amends to my first wife who I

flat put through the wringer folks sitting across the table from her in Houston, TX. And first time I'd seen her in about 15 years and was able to do as we are taught to do, make amends. And I told her what I thought I owed her amends for and she just sit there with tears in her eyes and said, you don't got a clue, do you, buddy?

You know,

I didn't realize that she'd been taking in an ambulance to a psych ward is the direct result of a nervous breakdown that I caused with my drinking and drugging. And I didn't know it for 12.

Thank you families for sticking with us. You know, the miracle of this program is that if we do the things we're supposed to do, the desire to use will leave us and we recover from cocaine addiction and alcoholism. I mean, that's a given. The problem is, is that so many of us don't get it. It's got to be very despairing for us. You know, I was, I'm a chronic relapser, folks. I'm eight years in and out of the fellowship and I could not get sober. And a lot of people put up with a lot of my shenanigans. And I'm and I'm eternally grateful

they're still putting up with my shenanigans. I need to take. I've said this before and I've got an irritating some people. What did women's deal in Phoenix? I mean, what is this with these women in this play? I mean, I need to get out of Ingraham more often. I can promise you that this is the best looking women I have ever seen in my life.

I've been caught more than once out by the pool catching flies, you know, and it's like, you know,

Ingram kind of a small little town. We got a lot of we a lot of sheep in Ingram and you know,

there's a 12 step program for that too. I need to tell you

some of y'all may ask to be asked to speak at that conference next. No, but I tell you I've called my wife about 10 times and I told last time I just listened, you know, we're about an hour from the airport and she's got to come pick me up and I says Jeannie, come pick me up. I told her the time I said and

and lose the boy, you know, hungry. This is going to be something else. I tell you I miss her. I miss her.

This is the coolest.

Some of you are going to love what I've got to say tonight.

Some of you are going to leave this room feeling like you've just had a spanking.

I, I love Cocaine Anonymous and I love alcohol. It's Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous. I love the 12 steps. They saved my life and I am as passionate about them as anybody I've ever known. It's been an interesting thing coming to Cocaine Anonymous this weekend, coming for the workshops and getting them to meet so many of you. A lot of times when I speak in public at CA conferences or in a, a groups or whatever,

you know, there's a lot of middle of the road stuff out there and we all know that. And a lot of stuff disguises recovery. This that's horseshit. That's not. And and so, you know, I come to these big conferences and if you're gonna, if you're gonna hear horses, you're gonna hear at a large conference because there's a 15,000 people up here that everybody wants to be entertained and that's what you're doing. I gotta tell you, we didn't hear it this weekend. I say we didn't hear it this weekend and you are here for that

from the first speakers that I heard and through the workshops and I guarantee you everybody was on the page and everybody's talked. So really the truth of the matter is the very few people that I'm going to piss off. I mean, I I'm everything I don't know why they introduce me all the time all over the country when I speak is all this is Chris Raymond this fact controversial speaker from Texas. You know, and Chris Ramers always the controversial I'm controversial for two reasons because I don't I don't make any bones about cussing from the podium. I do that I

so to some of you, so I heard this weekend I don't have a but

controversy ones, you know, because I'm going to talk about what comes out of the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. I believe that I believe that we have the power to help others. The book says that we have recovered and been given the gift. Being able to help other Alcoholics and addicts gets over. And I believe if we do what the book says that we can turn the tide on this terrible thing called cocaine addiction.

I'm just passionate about it, folks. And I got to tell you, I hear somebody watering it down, you know, trying to ease it in underneath the newcomer. You know, we don't want to scare anybody off. We don't. We need to. Come on, baby, I know

they're like this. You know, I'm going to talk about it. Sunday night. I finally, and after a suicide attempt in 1987, landed in a room full of people that loved me enough to tell me the truth. They loved me more and they cared more for me and my sobriety and my relationship with God and they did my sensitive God damn little feelings.

See

is this mine? Is this is this one with a Spanish fly in it?

I love Spanish wine.

I, I was eight years trying to get sober folks. And I got to tell you today, November 13th, 87 was my last drink and my last drug. And I'm, I'm tickled to death to have that.

I need to give a couple of second disclaimer here for any of those that are not buying the controversial stuff. I'm here for one reason only to share my experience, strength and hope with the drug addict or the alcoholic that's in this room. If the family members are here and they want to be entertained by this, that's wonderful. But I'm not going to be, I'm going to just tell you straight, AA and Cocaine Anonymous today are full of people that don't need to be here. And we've heard some other speakers this week talk about this. I I You're welcome.

Yeah, you're welcome.

Just be careful what you say in my meetings

because there's a lot of people dying because of your flippancy.

You see I am the person on page 21.

I am the real cocaine addict. I am the real alcoholic. Let me let me try to run something by you here because some of you guys are not going to be relate to what I got to say. Chris Raymer. He's too passionate. He got him. If I walked in my first meeting and he's been yelling at me like that, I'll walk that. I don't do this in an A a meeting. I do this at a conference to try to explain where I'm coming from. But y'all need to hear where this is about perspective.

For years in the fellowship before I got sober, I I would come into the fellowship, I would come into these rooms. My first attempt in about 1980 to try to get sober up in North Texas. They didn't have CA at that time in North Texas, that's for sure. But I'm trying to get sober from cocaine addiction and alcoholism, and I'm walking into these rooms and, you know,

lot of people were in there talking about their kids and stuff. Now, I can appreciate this, but they're talking about the kids. It's talking about the kids. And I couldn't relate because I've never had kids. And for years in adulthood, basically it's been, you know, if you've got kids, just remember who's the adult, spank them and everything is going to be OK.

But I've never had kids, so

you know where I'm going with it. It's about seven years ago. God sees fit to reunite me with a girl that I dumped in high school. Right then my high school sweetheart, I laughed for alcohol and cocaine. Not that any of y'all have ever done that. And and and and onbelievable, unbelievable. And 20 years later, we end up getting married. Can you believe that? And there's a little 5 year old boy in the in the deal.

Yeah, and that's what I said. Oh, I'd make cute.

Where do you wind it up? You know where? What do you feed it? Oh,

two months after I moved into the House of Jeannie back down in Ingram, I moved from the big city and moved into Ingram. And two months later, after being with that, that, that family for a short period of time, I, she comes out looking for me. And I'm, I'm a big bicycle enthusiast. A lot of y'all know that. And I'm out there underneath my work bench. And she comes up, she says, Chris, what are you doing under there? And I says nothing. I'm in a fetal position underneath that work bench.

That kid is pushed ever

freaking button. I've got

five years old. I know who's wearing the pants in that family and I don't know what to do about it. You with me. It's about perspective. I'm going to tell you one more quick one, you guys. Couple years ago I talked over the edge and I told you about a little bicycle mishap I had with a deer right.

I'm the only guy I know that has ever run into a deer on a bicycle. I just

I can't I can't believe I'm telling you all y'all this story. I mean, I got given y'all ammunition to shoot me with later, but I got to tell you up to the moment of impact and I hit the asphalt. Let me tell you something. It was a terrible thing. Up to that point, I loved Bambi. I mean the deers. I mean we just,

I now own a hunting license. I mean, I, my whole,

my whole attitude, George dear, has changed. I'm going to tell you it's about perspective folks, you with me and a lot of the cats that are sitting in these rooms in our fellowships. They don't come from the from from with alcoholism and drug addiction from the same point of place that I come from.

They got the power of choice. They are not the person on page 21. They given sufficient reason. The little wifey food got tired of them coming home and spending all the money got little trouble. Whatever they said. Look, that's it for me. I'm going to put the plug in the jug and everything is going to be OK. And listen, folks, if you can do that, you're again, you're welcome and our fellowship come, come visit. But but understand newcomers, please. Who you're listening to in these meetings may not be one of us,

but the real alcoholic or the real drug addict you're like. Depends on a spiritual experience,

Yes,

Oh Lord, I tell you. And I guess, and that's probably the most controversial thing I'm going to say from the podium, you know, everybody says everybody's welcome, you are welcome. But I'm just saying be careful as a newcomer what you're listening to in these meetings, because if it's not coming out of the big book, it's horseshit.

Our fifth tradition says that our main object, our primary requirement, is to help other Alcoholics stay sober by carrying one message. This message, page 17, says that we've got a common problem, folks, alcoholism, drug addiction. We got a common problem, but we also have a common solution.

You see, and what we've done over the years is not qualify the member when they got here. Oh, you're having trouble with cocaine. Welcome. Well, we need to take it a little step further. Are you just a hard cocaine user? I mean, folks, there are those those idiots out there. I mean, I, I see them. I work in a treatment Center for heavens sake. I do clerical work for a facility and and we get to see thousands of people come through there and I get to see a lot of cats that don't need to be there. Why given Here's what Here's what the big book says an alcoholic or a drug addict is, he says. It says

we got a thing called a moderate drinker or driver. I won't even take time to talk about that. We got nobody moderate any anywhere in here.

We got, we got these cats, that's called hard drinkers, right? Hard druggers. These, these cats, they drink a lot. They're party animals, you know. But given sufficient reason, they can walk away from this crowd.

You're with us. Got a little problem with the health, that little problem with the job, that little problem with a little Waikiki. Again, they can walk away from it. And then it says, the next paragraph says, but what about the real alcoholic? What about the real cocaine addict?

I I'm hip with your third tradition, but now listen to me. Now listen to me. The only requirement to come into these rooms is a desire not to use. I'm hip with that. But if the guy, if the guy sitting in your meeting doesn't want to use, but he's not want to use, he's not going to come at you with the same perspective.

That's the only point I'm trying to make. I'm not saying anybody is not welcome. Everybody is welcome,

but be careful what you're listening to. We got people killing people on a daily basis in our fellowships. Folks. Let me let me just talk about it a little bit. Here we go. Really. Get right down the the pipe.

I'm speaking in fucking tongues already. I don't know,

going to be a long night

in the next couple of weeks, I'll call it synonymous. Will celebrate its 65th birthday.

Yes, yes.

And I got to tell you from a historian standpoint, from somebody who loves the history and he's had good sponsorship and studied this stuff. I need to look at, I need to look at the archives and we live. Look, we did some workshops this weekend. We talked about a lot of this stuff. But let me just tell you straight, in the early days of Alcoholics Anonymous, we had a lot of people getting sober. If you're reading the preferences to the first, the 2nd edition, it talks about, it talks about a 75% success rate. Y'all with me

in January? Dig a little deeper. You'll find that there are areas in the Midwest that had nearly 100% success rate. People getting off the alcohol on the drugs

by coming in and working these programs. Great success rate back then folks. I guarantee you right now in the state of Texas to date success rate hovers around 8%,

8% of the people coming into Cocaine Anonymous, Alcohol is anonymous be are staying sober a year. The rest of the cathets are revolving door. You know, guys, we, I guess I've done this on every tape I've ever done, every talk I've ever done, I've talked about it. Everybody wants to let everybody off the hook and look the other way. Well, do you know what for years we heard it. It's that damn crack addict. Oh, it's a it's a breakdown of the family unit. It's this, it's sad. Oh, it's the welfare system. Oh, it's this, oh, it's them damn court system sending this thing. You know, everybody's got a reason why they think

rates are so low. But I'm going to tell you, as early as 1976, delegates of Alcoholics Anonymous understood and talked about it from the podium. The fact that the message that the newcomers early on were getting is not the same message we're getting today.

Yeah,

I need to tell you straight that 60 years ago you would not have found one of those Alcoholics telling some guy coming off the street who's absolutely burnt from the drugs and the alcohol that he needed to go take a nice warm bubble bath and light a bunch of candles.

That may be a wonderful, wonderful thing. I can assure you that that there wasn't one of those buckaroos out there in the train station looking for drunks and addicts. Listen to me. That was telling them when they got back to the clubhouse to stand up in front of a mirror and do some positive fucking affirmation.

What they were saying was, Are you ready to go find God? Because we need your help in the trenches and Oh yeah, you're sober 24 hours. It's time for you and me to go out there and try to get another, get another drunk to work with. We were all staying sober folks, because we didn't have time to worry about this other stuff. We understood that, that it wasn't us fixing our let's just get this straight right now. Alcoholics Anonymous and Cocaine Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, our sister fellowships. Let me tell you this, this is not a self help program.

We don't. We don't keep ourselves sober. If I could keep myself sober, by God, I'd have done it years before I lost those businesses

before I harmed all those women and scared all those kids and damaged my I'd have, I'd have gotten myself sober. Now I'm going to tell you right now from the podium, I love therapy. I'm a product of some great therapy. And if you've got the time and the money and you can afford it, if you can't, you come see me and I'll try to figure out a way to get you there. A therapist can fix what's wrong with you in lots of areas, you with me. But let me tell you this, this fellowship,

therapy, treatment centers, the church. No human power can get me sober.

Oh, it took me 8 years to figure out, folks. Eight years in and out of the fellowship, trying to get sober, wondering how comes you could get sober and I couldn't get sober. Why? Because you were doing the damn work and I wasn't. It's just as simple as that.

Man, oh man, oh man,

I do clarify work for this treatment center, right? And we get the chance that gets come in and we get to do a little big book with them on the side. But but one of the things that we get to do, we track them when they leave treatment, we get to monitor them and we get to see who stands over and who's not. One of the reasons that I get so passionate about this is because every patient that comes through there, I get a chance to sit down and drink coffee with and visit and I get to talk to him. I say, hey, listen, let me ask you a couple of questions. Did you ever try Cocaine Anonymous?

Well, yeah. Did you ever try Alcoholics? And I'm. Yeah. Well, yeah. Narcotic. Yeah, yeah, I tried the 12 steps. It didn't work.

Will it be the hell out of me? You know, 'cause I sobered up in, in a, I mean, I just walked in the doors and somebody and I mean, I, the 12 steps worked for me, he says. Chris, I know it'll probably work for some people, but you guys stick with me.

But I can't stand going to the meeting,

he says. Come on, brother, like I hadn't heard it before. Tell me why you can't stand going to the meetings

without exception? War stories

and people pissing and moaning about their problems.

Folks, the problem is not getting people to our fellowships. This is the only game in town. The only thing that we know that works is the 12 step movement. The only thing that we know from from my from my standpoint in that treatment center, it's going to work for a crack addict is Cocaine Anonymous. Now you need to hear me tonight.

The only thing that will work for a real crack addict is the 12 steps is Cocaine Anonymous. Now we know that.

We know it works. The history shows the success rates. We know that the people come in and do the work. They stay sober. So why won't they stay in the fellowship that we love so much, guys? And here, and here's where the grind comes in. If you can get through this little rough spot here, all the controversy will be over. This is the grinder right here

because we're the most selfish, self-centered sons of bitches in the world and we don't want to piss anybody off and we want to continue to come to the meetings and use them as a dumping ground for our God damn problems.

Let me, let me run some Maya. Let me, let me ask you a question real quick. We just talked about it in a little preamble that the nice lady read. You know, we talk about it in every CA meeting. You know, we thought we were drinking because of the husband and the wife, but that's not the truth, is it? How many you guys in here get a whole bunch of cocaine when you were in a great relationship?

How many when you were in a shitty relationship?

How many with a skinny woman?

How many with a big old beefy one? Yes, I love them. Yeah. How many? How many when you had a great job and like made a lot of money? How many of you had pitched for and didn't have no money?

How many when you had that big Lincoln Town Car? How many when you is riding a bicycle?

Well, we just determined that your external circumstances doesn't make a goddamn bit of difference whether you drink or drug or not, haven't we?

So why? Dear God

family, do we continue to do it?

Piss poor sponsorship comes to mind.

All through this weekend I have been tapping some of you real big beefy boys on the back telling you could come up real close to the as soon as I gave you the high sign y'all move real close. OK? I don't. This group would turn on me in a heartbeat. I can tell. I think

listen folks, I'm not speaking from any spiritual mountain outside, but so you guys have gotten your fucking things. You think, Oh look, who does he think he is? I, I'm an alcoholic, an addict, even nearly died in this fellowship by walking in these. Let me let me give you a little rundown of my story real quick, but let me tell you this. I have pissed and moaning more means than I can count. I'm not killing you not to do something I that I myself am not guilty of doing.

But let me tell you the same story that I hear from thousands of Alcoholics and addicts out there, and it applies to me so succinctly.

I started drinking, you know, the old story when I was a kid drinking some brew teas and and I was a functioning alcoholic for years. I was in the food business. I was a cook and and that didn't the cooks. I wouldn't have cooked because I like to cook. I was a cook because I like the drinks for Christ sake. And they let you drink on the Jack and the women are babes. And that's this is all that's the truth.

Then I cook for 15 years, but I said somewhere around 79. I'm not. I'm back in Kerrville trying to get sober, sorta. I'm drunk and and a merchant Marine friend of mine that I cooked with, he was waiting tables when he was off the ship. He called me coming from from San Diego, San Diego where he said, he says, Chris, I'm coming across the country. He says, I've got some stuff I want you to try. And I said, what is it? He said, Chris, I can't talk. But it's cold here in San Diego. It's like if our lives are in buses, like they wouldn't know what we were

about, right? And so

he got the curve, Ellie, and said, Chris, you got to try this, that this is cocaine. Now that I've done every I've done LSD either every drug in the world I've done, but the cocaine kind of

I got guys, I got hair standing up on my arm. I mean, I'm just you know, he said there he didn't have a little line, a little bump and I just I yes, we snorted. I said, what are you doing? He showed me and I bumped it up and and he was sitting there like that had pretty good shit, isn't it? And I said that, like I said, God Dang, it hurt like hell, wasn't blurred my my nose. You know, what did you do act like I just snorted glass for Christ sake. What is this?

And then

I went numb, you know, and then and then what cocaine does took place in Chris Raymer. And guys, let me tell you something. I sat right there, that glazed look and he said, Chris, you know, I got to go. You know, I got my little I got to go, I'll see you. And I got out of my his van and got in my truck and I sat there and I,

and I sat there,

you know, I'd never felt anything like it.

And I went back to my apartment. I had a date that night says Hun, I can't make it. I I got something came up

and I went back to my apartment.

I took off all my clothes

and I got a plan, you know, I got a plan because I got to figure out how to get some more of this stuff. And I got to tell you within a month I'd, I'd talked to my telescope and my stereo and my key guys. I've been drinking for years and never did that. Never hawk. Nothing to get a beer, nothing, you know, but I'm,

oh shit, I'm off the page. You know, everybody saying Chris, you seem so different. What's up? You seem so changed. I, I am, I mean I started 2 new businesses and I'm doing this and I'm saying up half a night. I mean this stuff, man, alcohol so slowing down for me. I couldn't drink as much as I used to and now I can do and I can drink all night and it's just a wonderful life

and end up back in Houston,

in Houston and things got tough and

and I got married and I went to North Texas and things got tougher. I've got two businesses. I've had two little BBQ restaurants and a little catering company. I lost them all to on the on the books. It was poor business stuff.

I snorted them up

and I got to tell you my story is not as bad as a lot I heard and I guarantee I didn't go as low as some of you guys did, but I this was nightmare on hell. This was absolutely Nightmare on Elm Street.

I could not not drink and I could not, not do cocaine. And I'm out of money

and things are getting tough and end up in North Texas finally in an AAA meeting trying to get well. And I walk in the a, a meeting and I say, listen, guys, I'm having a little problem with cocaine. I'm having a little problem with alcohol. And can you guys help me? And they said, well, I'm absolutely sure. And what did they do? They tried to do the same thing that I see so many of us in the fellowship trying to do. They tried to scare me into their fellowship. And I was young at that time, guys, I was alive and they tried to scare me in with their war stories. Now they haven't they call them first step meetings in Texas. I don't know what they call them over.

What we were what what we were supposed to do is talk about the disease and qualify us and see if we're supposed to be here. But that's not what we did. What we did was get down to brass tacks and everybody wanted to tell their stupid goddamn war stories. Now, at the time I'm, again, I'm a functioning alcoholic and addict. I've still got a job and I'm still driving a car. You with me. But these guys get in there next door telling all their words. Well, I've had three DWI

next guy. Well, I've had 40 Wi's and

than the prison. Well, I beat my wife and I've been to jail and I've been in and I've you know and I it's like check I don't have the WI check I don't beat my wife, check I none of this stuff happening to me. So I can't possibly be one of you you with me. After a few weeks, I get up and leave

Trump's guidance the only it's the only place in the world that I can get sober. But I can't stay there because I can't identify. Why can't I identify? Because we won't talk about the internal condition. We're too busy telling the stupid ass war story.

What I want to know is, can anybody just wake up in the morning and not want to do a bump? Can anybody wake up in the morning and just know that tonight they're not going to have a beer in their hands? Can you tell me if the obsession will ever leave? Nobody ever talked to me about that. But I just keep coming back and I come back again and we're going to get another round of stupid war stories. Guys, there's no chapter in the back of the book called End is Scare. There's a chapter in the back of the book called A Vision for You. And what we're supposed to try to do is to pull the newcomer with a vision of how cool life can be in survival.

You don't have to, you one. You can't scare me. God damn it, I've eaten out of dumpsters in Houston, TX. What do you want to do, Tell me some chicken shit? Scary sort of Get out of my face,

the book tells me. I'm not even going to remember my own scary stories, much less yours.

Unbelievable.

I leave,

I continue to take antidepressants. I continue to see therapists, I continue to guys, I got to tell you, somebody was asking me the other day about this antidepressant deal. I, I started taking antidepressants when I was very, very young, when I was in high school, practically when I started first taking antidepressants, it was just just out of high school. And, and I got to tell you all the experimental, all the antidepressants that some of you guys in here are taking. I did the test stuff on. I can promise you that because my depression was so thick it wasn't even funny, and nobody ever bothered to tell me that the depression was a number one symptom of alcoholism and drug addiction.

You know, I got to tell you amazing things took place in my life when I when I got sober, a lot of a cool thing happened. The depression left. Imagine that

there was one antidepressant, though, that came in a form of a Suppository, and it was a pretty cool antidepressant. I got to tell you. I don't know if anything would. Well, never mind.

I went back into Alcoholics Anonymous because there was nothing else to do. The antidepressants weren't obviously weren't working. Suicide was on my mind on a daily basis. And I did the same thing that so many of you did. I spent the next eight years in and out of the fellowship. I go in, stay three months, pulling my hair out. I can't stand it. Leave, go back in. Jesus Christ, stay a month, leave. I couldn't. I couldn't stand it. Every time you go in. Why? Because of the stupid pissing and moaning guys, you know, I'm coming apart at the scenes and I'm so afraid that I'm going to use today. I can't.

And so I'm going to walk into this room and hopefully somebody's going to pull me with a vision, right? But no, we don't have time to talk about what's going on with me in this disease and how I can overcome alcoholism, drug addiction, because we're too busy talking about your God damn divorce.

You with me make some of you uncomfortable there, didn't you? Listen, guys, I want to say it now. I'm going to say it again before I finish here. This fellowship is not therapy,

alcoholism and we this is a spiritual program of action. Please,

well meaning therapists have sent you to us for years believing that we could just come into these fellowships and talk about anything we want to. And I'm going to just say this real quick. The goddamn arrogance of us to think that we can do that.

We've got one job on this earth to do and that's to help an alcoholic and addict sober up. What the hell are we doing trying to fix every problem in the world? You need to go back to that therapist and get your moneys worth. I'm telling you the therapy is the greatest. If you if you need a good lawyer, go find a good lawyer.

You with me? If you're having trouble with your PO, go take it up with a glue of a legal system. Go talk to your PO about it. But you ain't drinking because you're PO. And you ain't drinking because of your wife. And you ain't drinking 'cause you ain't got a job. And you ain't drinking because of any of this other happy horseshit. You with me. So why do you have to come into my meetings and talk about it incessantly?

I don't know

when we the early days of alcohol synonymous folks. AA meetings were a pep rally. We would get together with a with a buckaroos and we would get the newcomers and we would get together, We'd talk about the cool things that were happening. We would bear witness like the book asked us to do. We would share our personal testimony of how cruel life was as being sober. And then we would get together and we'd get them literature and we'd go after the bus station and the Salvation Army and try to carry that message to other Alcoholics.

Everybody wants to throw this bullshit, but this is attraction rather than promotion. Listen, you need to stop taking shit out of a big book, out of context.

Our 12 steps as we tried to carry this message to other Alcoholics. You with me, you, you look at the people in this in this on these service committees that have done this thing. You look at the little new guys that were just a couple of weeks, couple of months of body doing H and I out here pouring coffee and work of the coffee that service work folks and those cats are going to say so

yes.

And that's what I couldn't do

for eight years because I wouldn't do that shit. Because you see, you've got to understand my case is different.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like you said it. Yeah. But my case is different. I realized that they they can do the little service work. It's. Oh shit,

November 13th, 87. It's cold and hell up in Dallas, TX, but

dry cold. You know

what is this? What is this for? She is and is a dry heat

and I've got a stack of return checks and the beast that I'm, I mean the nice lady I'm dating is left.

That's your heart, you know. And you know it's just, it's just all that I'm working. I haven't. I have some employment because my brother has hired me and that's the only reason I'm not on the street and the depression is choking me to death and nothing will work and it stopped working for me. The cocaine won't work anymore. All I do now is get paranoid. Y'all know that

I'm too? I'm too afraid to go in the store and get food.

I'm convinced that the cat and Kroger are connected. You know what I mean? And I can't

shave is terrible and the alcohol won't work, but it's getting me too loaded and I'm not having a happy day and it's nearly Christmas and I know there won't be any Christmas stuff this year. Nobody's gonna send me any Christmas cards

and I take a bottle of pills and some alcohol and try to commit suicide like so many of y'all have tried to do. And the grace of God, I believe that divine intervention, that attempt failed. I heard a voice say yes it was. I'm sure in my head,

Chris, you never really gave us caps down the fellowships a chance. You know, you ran the fellowship for eight years. You never even bought a big book, for Christ's sake.

Once you try it one more time, if it doesn't work, you can go ahead and kill yourself.

The next day I walked into a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous at 6:00 in the evening. I sat outside the club and watched the cats go in and I was so sick to think that this is where the Alcoholics and them for Christ sake,

I owe everybody in the world. I'm driving an OB, that pickup truck. I haven't got an inspection sticker. I've got no insurance. My life absolutely sucks big ones, but I'm embarrassed to go to Alcoholics Anonymous.

Unbelievable. And I walk into the I walk into that meeting and something different and they're all carrying big books. I said, what is this a big book Study says no, this is this is an open discussion, but we bring the topic out of the big book. What a concept. And and and they all have big books and they were talking to me about the set now guy. They said it right in there. And absolutely sometimes when I speak with the podium, y'all think, Oh, well, you can't be that harsh with with with the newcomers. They weren't harsh with me at all. They sat down there and a good looking woman laid up next to me and she got, she put her arm around me and they loved me.

I stunk I hadn't bathed and I did. And she cleaned up my coffee as I spilled it. I sat in that meeting and detoxed that night and they took care of me. And the old timer said, Chris, Are you ready to get sober? And I made the mistake of saying something stupid like, well, you know, one day at a time.

So, Chris, old buddy, next time I ask you a yes or no question, I want a yes or no answer.

See buddy, that's another thing we've taken out of context.

Book says we live life one day at a time. It says we make a commitment that we want to stay sober. And they asked me finally down to brass tacks. Do you want to do this deal or not? Are you ready to have a different life? Are you, are you trying to live like an animal? I mean, Jesus Christ, Chris, you want one month to eat out of dumpster the next month you've got a great job ahead of you and everything's going great. You pull it all down on top of you.

Life is absolutely not fun. Are you ready to have something different? And I said yes, and I had me crying there. And they were right. They were so kind about it. But at the same time, they were very forceful. They were very understanding.

What we do here in this group is we work the steps. And if you're gonna get a sponsor and you're gonna work the steps and we can promise you that you're gonna have a spiritual experience that will change your life forever. And I said I think you're a liar. They said we don't care if you think we're alive. We don't give a rat that